As many of you know, the Duke has a weird rule for me. If I'm turned on... aka so horny I can barely focus on anything else... I need to tell the Duke, regardless of the time of day. This is mostly because it will keep me up at night if it's not dealt with, literally, not a second of sleep will happen. I hate and love it. Well, 3am, and I couldn't sleep because of it, so I go and tell the Duke. He takes care of me... a few times. *blush* And then asks me to go down on him. For the first time ever, I had to say I couldn't swallow. I had a horrible headache, one that made me really nauseated, and I was afraid I might throw up on him. I barely ate the whole day because of it. So, I asked if that was okay, and he understood. (The Duke said I should add some comments about how I love and am so overly obsessed with that part of him when giving oral, but I want you all to still talk to me afterwards, so I will be a bad little subbie and not write his horrifically graphic, joking comments. lol They were sooooo naughty! lol)
During it, for the first time ever, he grabbed my hair in his fist, and kept me close to him while I took him as deep as my upset stomach would allow. He guided me, he controlled me, he gave me very little room to move how I wished. I was his, and he was making sure I didn't question that. And yet, as firm as that hand was, he was using the other hand to stroke my head like a gentle caress.
Um, when did having your hair pulled and grabbed become so sexy? I mean, I've seen it written in books, it always seems hot, but nothing prepared me. It was wonderful, and I was amazed it did not bother the headache at all, in fact, it might have helped. We cuddled afterwards, and I felt especially needy because I was a bit upset that I didn't swallow for the first time. I felt like I failed a little even though he assured me I hadn't. I don't remember needing to be cuddled that much in the past for any reason. Then all the sudden we're bear hugging each other, and I whisper, "I'm scared". I don't know where it came from, I wasn't thinking it, but there it was, and I realized, it was true. He held me, and told me it was okay, he had me, he was there. He said it a few times as his hold got tighter and tighter around me. But still, the fear wiggled it's ugly head at me, and destroyed my peace. My chest felt tight, and my upset stomach was at a full rumble by this point.
We're in a new place in DD and D/s that we've never been before. The Duke is finding what works for him in DD without my suggestions. He's getting ideas that I never told him about. He's leading in ways that shock and surprise me, and wow me. I love that he's making it his own. I hated giving him ideas, felt like I was still not submitting. He's really liking leading, and wow, I'm amazed. And I'm scared because it's now getting to be more than I thought we'd do. Can I go as deep as he'll lead? I crave it and fear it all at the same time. Will he protect me as much as I'll need when we go deeper? Will he realize just how vulnerable that will make me? And what if life gets in the way again, and he pulls back completely? I broke down and asked him that, what I would do if he backed away completely, again. Last time he backed away I felt so unloved, I was ignored every single day and felt very unwanted. This time would be worse, we're going deeper, I'll be learning to depend on him more. And then he promised, he promised he had me, and he wasn't doing that to me again. He seemed really convicted of it, and I choose to believe he will do as he says. I think I would find it extremely hard to go deeper, and then pull back completely.
This is where I show my faith in him. I am not going to focus on the hurt from the past, I'm letting it go. I've changed, and so has he. This is where I push the fear aside. It's not doing me, nor us, any good. This is where I leap when I want to stay on solid ground, because at least I know what is here and what it is like. I don't know where my feet will land if I take the jump. But the other half of me is almost pushing me off the solid ground, begging me to dive head first and see how deep the rabbit hole goes. The daring side of me will win, because I want my marriage to win. I started us down this path, and I have to be brave enough to see how far he'll take us down it. I just may beg for a parachute a few times along the way until we land though... lol. Is it weird that in the fear and excitement and yearning, I just want to cry? (Did I mention I didn't really sleep last night) It's overwhelming, yet I feel safe at the same time? I'm so utterly female. Augh. So undecided and unsure of what I feel. I do know this though, in the midst of it all, I want more of him. Always, more of him.
To end on a bit of a bad note, we're about to be BLASTED with 8-12 inches of snow and 1-1.5 inches of freezing rain if predictions are right. Soooooooo, if I disappear for a few days, that will be why. As soon as I can get online again, I will. :)
Sunday, January 20, 2019
10 comments:
Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)
Troll comments and spam will be deleted.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hi EsMay,
ReplyDeleteOoh, yes, there is something about having the hair grabbed, it's hot! lol.
Wow, sounds like the Duke is really finding himself in his role and that he know what you need.
I love that you are going deeper and do understand the fear. Lots of communication.
Hugs
Roz
Roz, wow, yep, hot. LOL Yes, he really is finding himself. I don't know this man that is emerging, but I'm loving him. :) Thankfully, he's very good about talking when I want to. He doesn't usually think to come and talk to me on his own about us, but he's usually very willing to when I want to. :) I just have to remember to be brave when part of my shies from sharing.
DeleteHugs, EsMay
I love this post Esmay. I am so grateful to you and Duke mentoring me (and the Sheriff by default) through this wondeful place. This post shows me that you will be ok. I am so glad that you are taking this leap of faith with Duke. He has you safe my friend.
ReplyDeleteTake care with the storm (we basically got missed by it, their predictions were wrong). I hope it wont be that bad.
Be safe
Love
Boo
Boo, it has been such an honour to have your trust. :) Thank you for saying that. He does have me, I just have to push those fears back and tell them they have no ground to stand on. :) Thankfully since last night, a lot of the freezing rain has apparently been called off. So, hoping we don't lose power. :) :) In the summer it's not so bad, we can keep busy, winter, cold, freezing, eek. I hate being inside, dressed in outer clothes with my nose still freezing. :)
DeleteHugs, EsMay
Thank you for all that you share. We are also finding our way and I understand your concerns and fears so so much. Guess we both need to learn to trust just a bit more, yes? Perhaps this is part of the dynamic. Trusting the unknown ;)
ReplyDeleteYes, Deena, trust is good.... and hard... lol. :) :) hehehe Oih. lol It definitely is part of the dynamic, trusting the unknown. In fact we've done submission exercises a few times where I've been left in the dark in a situation that leaves me nervous (not flat out scared) to see if I can trust. It's always hard, but I always do, and we don't stop until I can get to that point. :) I wrote a post about one of them... I should share that sometime on a throwback. :)
DeleteEsMay
I was amazed that you were able to articulate your joys and fears so well, Esmay. It gives me the feeling that you and the Duke will do well wherever the journey takes you. And yes the hair thing is always sexy.
ReplyDeleteHugs From Ella
Thank you, Ella. :) You know, I never thought I was good at articulating things, there is so much I want to share, so much I feel, and words seem so limiting... but a few people have said that lately, so maybe I'm getting better at putting my thoughts and feelings down to share. :) And I think you're right, I think we'll do well, I just have to be open to the journey that gets us there. :) Eek. :) Excited and slightly nervous.
DeleteHugs, EsMay
Hopefully my comment will make sense. I am under the weather, and like you based on my province currently that is saying a lot! lol.
ReplyDeleteBack in Feb 2014 I wrote about fear as well. I arrived at a similar spot, though not identical as we are all different and arrived at it through different means- B was indeed part of it, but so was self reflection and the help of a couple of good friends. The how 'we' get there though isn't always that important.
I want to address your fear factor concerning: " Will he protect me as much as I'll need when we go deeper? Will he realize just how vulnerable that will make me? And what if life gets in the way again, and he pulls back completely? " <- most likely ALL of these things will indeed happen again, or won't depending on how you worded the question. Not to be doom and gloom, that isn't my point. Life, them, us, whatever does indeed get in the way, there is no escaping it. Even the most entrenched D/s couples end up with these issues from time to time. *BUT* that isn't meant to scare you. It isn't meant to make you fear- it is to let you know it is normal.
There are various other reasons why you will feel hurt again because as you go deeper, your emotions become more heightened. Your need becomes more finite. The best way I can describe it is through an analogy. When we start (or restart) Dd/D/s it is similar to painting a room a different colour. The brush strokes ( needs ) are vast, and wide, and the change is quite noticeable quickly. As the walls ( no not THOSE kind of walls) get completed in with the roller, it is time to switch to a paint brush for the areas around the trim, and even sometimes a craft brush for near the ceiling. D/s is much like this. You reach a point where needed to be 'spanked' or 'dominated' isn't the same. You need him to notice very minuscule details ( sort of ....difficult to explain). The exchange of emotions, details, information becomes far more microscopic. Unfortunately it is difficult for every detail to be seen by both or felt the same way. And that's okay...but hair trigger emotions to come into play during those times.
The good news is, the deeper you go you tend to set a bench mark if you will. Think of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire- once you answer enough questions correctly you can't 'drop' beyond $250 000, and then $500 000 etc. So while you WILL drop, you won't have to start all over again, even though trust me it will feel like it. LOL. Once you allow yourself to go deeper, you are able to get back there or close to it much easier.
My unsolicited advice to you during this time is to delve deep within yourself ( I know you have before but again this is different). Discover who you are and why outside of the D/s realm- in my experience and those of my closest friends these were discoveries that aided us in abating the fear and embrace the depth. This is the part where the rubber meets the pavement so to speak. D/s helps breakdown walls but I feel it is self awareness that helps keep them down. As a very wise friend of mine once told me, " Fear is the mortar that keeps the bricks together" when we were discussing walls we build. D/s alone can only do so much to keep the mortar from collecting.
This article is interesting ( the first half is about dating - the latter is what was intriguing) I posted excerpts from it on my post concerning Fear. It helped me gain clarity over time.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/finding-love/201109/how-our-insecurities-can-reveal-our-deepest-gifts ( start at Core Gifts are not the same as talents...)
Good luck.
I am going to read that article tonight. :) Can't right now. :) I like what you said about it will drop. That I can handle. The sad thing is, and I didn't share a lot of it on here, not because I was hiding, but it was too hard to share back then... was that when DD went away, the Duke forgot about me. Then my family moved in. And he, my parents, and our daughter, all they did was take. Now, with our daughter, that is how it should be. The others, I was exhausted. I was feeding into people all day, and no one would let me talk. They would dump their problems on me, and then walk away if I tried to share. It hurt, again and again. Over months, I got very sad, withdrawn, and I felt so rejected, so deep down to my core hurt. I wasn't wanted. I was a cook and clean, and nothing else. It got to the point if I opened my mouth to talk, everyone left. I stopped talking altogether. I looked after our daughter, had suppers ready, house clean, and then holed away from the world because if I didn't, I was complained to all day long. I can't go back to that. We had to put our foot down with my parents, and the Duke had to remember he had a wife. That is the level I meant, sorry. :)
DeleteThe ups and downs are actually good, I think, they make us step back, reevaluate, and enjoy the ups more. And life does get in the way. Health, busyness, friends, loved ones, work, etc. I love what you said about the paint brush, going to show the Duke this comment. I find we are noticing more and more as we go deeper. And the ability to be hurt, like you said, grows. It really grew the first time, and it's really growing again, especially now that we're deeper than ever before. And wow... that is so true, about fear being the mortar... I never thought of it that way... and even the walls to myself, keeping me from what I want, from how I feel.
Thank you for sharing so much, you've given me some great things to think over. :)
EsMay