We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Sunday, April 30, 2017

A Little Bit Of Fun

Wow, I cannot believe how long it's been since I wrote.  I am so sorry.  We've been sick almost constantly, and it's amazing how time flies when that happens.  Here's hoping that spring brings about health! :)

So today the Duke was taking on guilt over a very small issue, and something he had absolutely no control over.  So I joked that he needed a spanking, and actually got a swat in before he grabbed me by the waist and spanked me.  I laughingly hissed a bit loudly that my parents were in house, and they'd hear!  He only laughed really hard and spanked me firmly three more times.  :)  Our daughter walked in and so the Duke let me go, and I jokingly told her to tell Daddy to be good.  So she obediently said "Be good, Daddy." with a smile.

Just a nice light hearted moment, but I love these moments. :)  The connection between us, the family dynamic, the light hearted fun, all of it.  We get less of these bonding moments together as a family with my parents living with us, so I grab a hold and cherish them when we do get them. :)

Saturday, March 11, 2017

"I do NOT want you to worry about this."

Those are the words that the Duke said to me yesterday when I started to fret over how to tighten up the budget when he got another warning at work for not meeting his sales target.  When his job switched between companies, he was told he would have the same position, which technically he does.  But now they care about sales, and not customer service.  A bad move for the company I think.  Not once in over a year has he been Q&A'ed over how he serves the customer. 

Anyway, I was worried.  He works so hard, his job is very stressful, and he still gives and gives at his job.  And in fact, there are many times he can't meet his quota because there isn't enough customers that meet the criteria for a sale.  Which REALLY bothers me!  How can he be held responsible for something that is impossible for him to accomplish?  Anyway... sorry, little rant.

So when I worried about what to do it if he lost his job, he put his foot down.  Plain and simple, and FIRMLY said.  "I do NOT want you to worry about this."  Of course, my worry got the best of me and I spoke to challenge him... :(  "But I am responsible for the budget, and I need to be working even harder to save us money right now, and..." "I DO NOT want you worrying about this."


Okay.  It is one command I will struggle to obey, but will definitely work on.  Since he is the bread winner in our family, that makes it even more stressful.  I make a bit of money on the side, but no where near enough to cover our expenses.  We do have money saved up, but just shy of the amount needed to replace our oil tank and furnace that have to be replaced in two months.  Actually we have enough for the replacement, but have decided to go $500 more and get a heat pump with forced air instead as it will be much cheaper in the long run.   We will have enough in two months for that, but that leaves no room for needing money for if he loses his job.  We've been trying to save all we can, and still, the house and car have needed repairs, we both missed A LOT of work in February because of winter storms, add a few other unexpected things, and it's all just set us so that our little emergency fund to get us through if a job was lost is now depleted.  But God has never let us go without before, so we just have to trust, and I have to sit down and trust that I can do as the Duke asks of me.  To NOT worry about it... Hope I can do it. :)

Tuesday, February 07, 2017

Last Night

I want to thank everyone that wrote to help calm me down.

All that work up, and nothing happened.  Our daughter got a fever, and with freezing temperatures outside, we decided we had to keep her home, and the Duke did not want me to go by myself.  So I ended up not meeting with my sister after all.  So now I just hope this is the end for now.  I am sad that things have gotten to this point, but the Duke doesn't want me talking to her anymore.  And that actually feels great.  This isn't my decision.  I would decide to keep putting up with the abuse, feeling I had to to keep our relationship going.  But the Duke sees that that isn't good for me.  I feel such relief that this decision is made for me!  I don't need to feel guilty for stepping back either, I'm just obey my husband.  It's out of my hands. :)

Monday, February 06, 2017

Terrified :(

Today my submission is being tested to a completely new level.  Today I do not want to do something with my whole heart. 

I think I mentioned it a bit ago about a sister that believes I have lied to her, and now has brought up more and more things she thinks I've lied about in the past.  It has been one horrible phone call after another.  Thankfully, the Duke says he no longer wants me to talk to her... AFTER he wants me to visit with her tonight because she's in town.  He is going with me... and my parents are supposed to be there... but I'm still TERRIFIED.  She says everything she's accused me of has been in love to help me bring the truth to light.  But I have told the truth, everyone in my family believes I've told the truth except for her.  She even went so far as to get her family to call and sing happy birthday to my daughter, and then ask to speak to me alone just to accuse me again.  It ruined the day for me, and I spent an hour in tears.  I don't want to talk to her anymore.  I don't want to see her. I have done all I can to keep the peace and still she attacks.

But, I'm going.  The Duke wants me to.  He feels we should show the more mature side in this.  I literally feel like I'm going to throw up.  Thankfully the Duke has also said if she tries even for a second to bring up all this garbage, or accuse me of anything, he will tell her we will not be discussing it, and that it is time for us to leave.  Part of me hopes she says nothing, part of me hopes she says something in the first two minutes so we can turn right back around and leave.

This is NOT going to be a fun night for me. :(  I really, really, REALLY would rather not go. :(  I have a broken toe... that didn't work as an excuse. :P  *SIGH*

Maybe afterwards I'll ask for a spanking to get rid of the stress.  We haven't done one lately, with parents now living with us, we get little time alone... but it might be a night to do it.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

An Emotional Wreck

I can't tell you how great it is to have the Duke back me up.  The more we do our marriage, the more we come to depend on each other.  I have a sinus infection, it's been here almost two months, I am on my third round of antibiotics.  Someone suggested on facebook I use a netipot.  But I can't use them.  When I was in grade one, I drowned in a pool, and was revived by a lifeguard.  This happened during school hours, a class trip. 

The thing is, I guess my parents were never told, and the kids in my class made fun of me so much that day, that I never talked about it until I was grown up.  So I can't use the netipot, because when I try, all the sudden, I'm back in that pool, sitting on the bottom, looking up at the kids above me, wondering why they don't see me to help me, with my world going black.

I didn't think anything of admitting this to my friend on facebook, until I got a call from my sister this morning.  She told me no one in the family had ever heard this story, and wanted to know if I had maybe dreamt it, and if not, she wanted to know why I was lying.  I was so hurt.  I don't even know why someone would make something like that up.  My mother used to lie all the time when we were kids, and she asked if I wanted to end up like her with my own daughter.  That hurt A LOT!  I mean, I couldn't even breathe at that point.  She finally said it was between me and God, but I could tell she still thought I was lying.

I spent the morning crying.  I don't even know why.  It just REALLY bothered me.  So when the Duke could finally call on his break, I asked him if he believed me.  And without question, he told me he knew I wouldn't lie to him.  He told me he knew I would only say it if I fully believed it happened.  It was sooo good to have him behind me.  I finally realized that was all I needed.  I didn't lie.  I can't change the past, and to say it didn't happen would then actually be a lie, and it would eat me inside.  I did all I could do in telling the truth, and I can't do more. 

DD has brought us to a place where we can have complete trust in each other.  Yet another way I am so thankful for this lifestyle.  All the communication, it just helps us be honest, and keep honest.  Thank you, Duke, for never having doubted for a second.

Saturday, October 01, 2016

Our New Implement

Here is our new implement... and I have to admit... quietly, that I'm glad we got it.

It is a small dowel, thinner than my pinky.  We got it because my parents are here again and the Duke determined I needed a punishment.  Yet, all we had were paddles.  LOUD paddles.  So, someone online told us on the weekend that their husband uses a dowel on them.  We decided to try it.

Here it is. I cut it down to 15 inches long, and then sanded it down, and added a hockey grip to it, because it was too slippery otherwise.  I figured the last thing we needed in a spanking we needed to be quiet was to have it flying out of his hands and through our mirror or door, and then having to explain that instead of a beating noise. ;)

So my spanking was over my daughter's medicine.  We are now down with ear infections as of June... so of course, she had to go and get tonsillitis.  :(  I forgot two days in a row to give her one of her three daily doses.  On Sunday night I didn't sleep, AT ALL.  I mean it, I feel asleep from 4:30-4:35, and that was it. :(  So, then baby girl was up every night being sick, and I was just trying to function.  I felt horrible.  I bend myself over backwards to take care of her, and I did this.

So the Duke decided I needed a spanking so that I didn't forget again.  Insert bawling, because I was already emotional from being so tired, and I couldn't handle being told I wasn't taking good care of my daughter, who means the world to me.  He then said that even if I'd beaten myself up for missing the two doses, and would never miss again, that he felt I also needed the spanking to let go of all the guilt. 

With parents so close, he didn't even do a warm up with his hand so they didn't hear, he did his best to do a warm up with the dowel.  He spanked just hard enough for this to leave a lasting impression, plus two welts, and put me in the right head space.  I cried, and then needed time to process afterwards.  Which, I am glad I had to take time to process, because the Duke just sat there talking to me while I was over his lap, rubbing my back and bottom in gentle strokes.  I'm not sure I've ever felt that cherished.  It was so nice.

At the suggestion of several people in a chat room I like to go to, we also got a five gallon paint stick to add to our now small collection.  I think they must have different ones than the ones we got here!  LOL  Look how long it is!  It's the one on top.  :)  So this is our collection now.  I think we have ALL we need.  I hope the Duke agrees! ;)

The Duke's Deductions:
Yes, we hadn't spanked in a while and I wasn't planning on it. But I realized talking to EsMay that our child missing her medication was important to me, so I felt like it was my responsibility to do something. I knew that it was a bad week for her and it didn't seem fair to add to it, but I also realized that sometimes it can help to know there are boundaries and consequences, and I thought it would help her to know I did care what happened to our daughter. Anyway, we had already been thinking about how to handle spankings with other non-DD people in the house, and the dowel and paint stick seemed like 2 really good ideas. When I had them in my hands the paint stick still seemed like a paddle, while the dowel seemed like something I hadn't tried yet and I am glad I did. The results of the dowel seemed a bit harsher then I would have expected, which isn't a bad thing. I did want to make sure EsMay wasn't left feeling wrong after the spanking so I tried to make sure she was taken care of after. Anyway I think overall it was a good experience for us so I am glad I tried it.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Accepting "No"

Money is tight right now.  I don't make much money, and the Duke's job is all the sudden not certain.  Due to this, we're trying to be even tighter with money than we already are. 

I don't believe in spoiling my daughter.  She does have a number of toys, but we are very picky about how many, that they are educational, help develop hand eye coordination, manual dexterity, encourage imagination, etc.  Because we don't want to spoil her, I don't ask often to buy her things.  But the other day I saw something I wanted her to have.  We had just bought a used Little People Disney castle with a handful of princesses and princes for a really good price.  I didn't expect her to really play with it yet, but we have a little girl over often that I thought would like it in the mean time.  But baby girl spends a couple hours a day playing with this castle and Little People.

Last week someone was selling the Little People Snow White and Seven Dwarfs set used.  The Duke said no to my getting it.  He knows I want to get more characters for her because of how much she's playing with it, and he's alright with that, but he thought the price was steeper than we should go.  So he said NO.  NO.  He said NO...

It hung in my heart.  I'm not sure why.  It sat there heavy, hurting my feelings for some reason.  He's said no to me dozens of times.  I remember the first few times had hurt similarly, but that hasn't happened in a while.  This time it did.  I felt my need to be submissive WAR with my want to provide this toy to my daughter that I knew she would love.  It hurt to not get this for her.

I know I'm doing the right thing in accepting the Duke's answer, but I am surprised at how much it's still bothering me.  I mean, it's just a toy.  She doesn't even know we were thinking about it, so she won't miss it.  Maybe it's a sadness over money needing to be so tight as well.  Not sure.  I know that if it were a need, he'd probably be more open to me spending the money. 

So here I am, learning how to immerse myself in submission more.  Even though submission can be hard, I am enjoying the beauty.  The Duke is definitely giving more to me time and attention wise.  He's seeing to more of my needs.  He's challenging my submission, and helping it grow.  I spend as much time blushing as I do smiling, but I still am thankful.  Maybe I'll share next post some of the things he's doing... maybe I'll even be brave enough to share some of the ones that make me blush!  Blushing just saying that!  lol