Sunday, March 17, 2013

An Interesting Question

I want to first of all apologize.  I am still quite sick, and this week with company, I just fell way behind in keeping up with blogs.  I went to the clinic again yesterday, I'm still really sick he said.  I was put on another two weeks of antibiotics, and six weeks of a nasal spray.  Have I mentioned I HATE nasal sprays?  And this one has so many warnings, one of which is that it can cause it's own infection... YIKES.  Really???  I am kind of glad I am sick though.  Not because I like being sick, but I've just been so darn tired, and was worried I was getting old or something.  But still having a serious infection means that yes, I'm tired, but it should pass once we can find a way to make me better.  I'm beginning to think it's the building at work, a woman had to leave last week for similar problems.

Anyway, so I promise that I plan to sit down on Wednesday, noon at the latest, to catch up on as many blogs as I can! :)  In the mean time, I'll get to a few of you at a time, but please forgive me if I get to some before others.

So Bas had a great question today, I had started to answer it in the comments section, but felt this deserved it's own blog post. 

Es May,
Since a female led relationship formed both your youth, I wonder why it is that you became the submissive.
Why are you not spanking the Duke in a DD relation?

Duke's Answer:
I feel that from a Christian perspective, God really has meant for the man to be the head of the household, and the wife to submit to her husband. I am not sure how that always works out in other marriages, but in ours it was really not working out that way, as I was too afraid to step up, and I think we were both falling into the gender roles the way we witnessed our parents modelling them growing up. I have looked at different marriage books and devotionals and none of them seemed to work for me, but trying DD with my wife seems to click better for our marriage. I think it’s because it sets a clear path as to how the husband can implement his leadership and how the wife can submit to the husband. A female led DD relationship just would not fit into the picture for us.

My Answer:
I cannot believe how much this question has made me stop and think.  and even as I come to some ideas, I can't even tell really if my conclusions are accurate or not.  But here is my best guess.

Now, don't get me wrong, I totally love Duke's family.  They are great, and so great to me.  But I wouldn't want my marriage to work like that.  But, to be honest, for the first five years, that is exactly what happened.  Duke's mom rules, his dad always does as asked, or told, and asks for permission to do things a lot.  And that is how we lived too.  I didn't want to, but after Duke kept treating me like I was a mom, and not a wife, that is the roles we slipped into.  I can't tell you how many times I told him I didn't want to be a mother to him, but it was a lot.  

With my family,   my mother used to run the whole family, and not nicely.  She would terrorize anyone that would not bow to her commands.  Our whole family fell apart because of it.  When I moved out, I noticed how much it attracted me when a man would take ownership of a woman, and tell her what to do, always out of what was best for her and because he loved her.  I found myself being drawn to those men. The Duke does not naturally lead, it's not in him, but he's growing in it, and becoming more self assured in the process, and it's beautiful.  Both he and I are liking the changes in him. :)

Women leading our parents' marriages does not work, so we decided that isn't what we wanted.  I want my husband to have a say in how our marriage works.  I want him to be able to stand up and say what he thinks, and not feel he has to cower below me.  I also don't want to lead.  I don't want to be totally responsible.  As much as my mother was the alpha when I was growing up, she also never did anything with us kids.  I raised three younger siblings, helped take care of all my friends.  I've always been in charge, always had to be the responsible one.  I can't do it anymore.  I need a break.  I need to be taken care of for now.  At 34 I feel like a wuss for saying that... but that's how it is.

And thankfully for me, Duke sees this, and is meeting me half way. :)


  1. Glad your dynamic is working for you and I hope you get better soon.

    1. Thank you. :) I hope so too. :)

  2. Es May...20 lashes with a feather for apologizing for being sick! The blogs don't matter...your health does so concentrate on getting better and catch up when you can as you can.

    Thanks for the lovely answers to Bas' questions.

    Sending lots of prayers and healing energy your way.


    1. *trying* to be frightened of the feather. ;) Thank you, I will do what I can to get better. :)

  3. Hi Es May, I'm sorry to hear you are still feeling unwell. I hope you are feeling better soon.

    A very interesting, thought provoking question and I enjoyed reading both of your honest, heartfelt answers. Thank you for sharing.


    1. Thank you, Roz. I am glad you liked the answers. It has been great having him write too. :)

  4. Hi hon

    Just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're still so poorly. Don't worry about people's blogs, just concentrate on getting better :)

    Hugs x

    1. Missy, thank you, I promise to try to do that. :)

  5. Hi Es May and Duke,
    Thank you both for answering my question. It is something I wonder about a lot.

    Now stop apologising for being sick.
    Sets a very bad example!


    1. I hope that our answers helped a bit. I still feel like I don't know how to give an honest answer, but hopefully the further we go into the journey, the more we'll understand this. :)

      Okay, I'll try to stop apologizing. ;) {{HUGS}}


Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

Troll comments and spam will be deleted.