Wednesday, November 04, 2015

I Read Somewhere That DD Was Bad, BUT...

It can be interesting while you are looking up new things on DD to see the opinions that are really out there.  Today I came upon a post that a couple had written about how bad DD was.  They then said that the people that practiced it called it a need in their marriage.  They then went on to say how ridiculous that was because then what would we say about single people and widows?  If it was a need, then how would singles and widows every get any help?

I might be a little out of it here... but aren't there always going to be needs in marriage that you won't have fulfilled outside of marriage?  Sex?  Constant companionship?  Being help mates?  A man around the house to kill the spiders in the shower?  The lists could go on and on.  Do we just abandon these needs because they can't be met in the same way when one is single or widowed?  I had needs when I was single that weren't met then that are now, but that doesn't mean I said they had no value.  I just had to wait for a time for them to be met.  Just because I wasn't married didn't mean they didn't exist.

I don't know about some people, I can't speak for any other couple, but I will speak for us.  I can say that at one point, we NEEDED DD.  Needed it with our very breath.  Now we still want to practice, but it isn't so need driven.  But, I really believe our marriage would have died without it.  Was it the fact that the Duke spanked me that saved our marriage.  Psshhh, not a chance, and in a way, YES.

Spanking means the Duke needed to take responsibility, he had to hold me accountable, and to do that, he needed to step up and learn to lead.  I had to learn to submit, I had to learn how to take a punishment, I had to learn how to follow.  And in that, we had to talk, A LOT.  Still do.  If DD taught us nothing else, it taught us to talk, about everything.  Our communication had completely died.  If I had to give up DD forever, I'd still be thankful for the communication skills we learned because of it.  We learned to not only talk about everything, but to do so without judgement.  To know we could share everything, no matter how seemingly bad or embarrassing.  Secrets, even things that didn't seem to be secrets, were no longer kept.  Everything came out in the open.

There will always be people that look down on this lifestyle, which is too bad. Even though I fully believe DD probably isn't for even half the marriages out there, it's sad that people may close off a door that could bless their marriage before even giving the idea a real chance because they look at one aspect they don't like, and so figure the whole practice is garbage.  How much we miss in life if we live that way.

DD may not be such a need now, but we NEEDED the lessons it taught us.  Whether we would need those being single or widowed, doesn't matter right now.  We're married, and so we base our needs on that fact.  And so we practice DD, because it's what our marriage needed to survive.  I will not be ashamed of this fact.  In fact I'm happy, proud, humbled, and so thankful to have found this great tool to help solidify our marriage.  The Duke read this too, and he agrees.  We needed this, and there is no shame in that.

Sunday, November 01, 2015

It Ebbs and Flows

This year is so different than I thought it would look like.

First we had a baby.  Then Duke had a horrible accident.  Only a few of you knew before now, but we just bought and moved into our first house.  The Duke's work is changing and moving.  My best friend and I said that 2015 was going to be our year because of how many bad years we'd had leading up to it.  Boy, BECAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR.  Such a blessed year, but overwhelming at times, and exhausting.  I wouldn't change a thing, well maybe that the Duke hadn't crashed, but even in that there were numerous blessings that resulted.  A beautiful, loved filled year, but none the less exhausting.

DD is getting back on track.  I've not stepped away from the online world, even though I haven't been blogging.  I have been on a forum, and have been leading a chat night each week again.  I find myself craving talking to other couples, and this way there is so much feedback. 

We have decided to start to read some DD articles and blog posts over the next bit.  It would be nice to get other prospectives again, and to see if there are ways we can be growing that we're currently not working on.

One area to work on is my pain threshhold.  I cannot take near as painful a spanking as I could before the baby.  It amazes both the Duke and I how much I struggle, and then flat out break down because the pain is too much.  I feel a wimp, I feel a failure at times that I used to be able to stay in place, and now, I flail all over the place.  I will continue to work at it, but as I do, the Duke is compassionately using less force in his spankings as well.  I still get the message LOUD and CLEAR when he goes lighter. :)

I am so thankful for this man, that you know only as The Duke.  He completes me.  Part of me feels that might be wrong to say as I have a strong belief in God, and truly, He completes me.  But I feel He's used the Duke to do so as well.  Things have been hard this year, we are not at our best, and are not loving each other at 100% capacity, but still we work together, we help each other, we exhaustingly make sure each other is cared for at the end of each day.

This beautifully exhausting year has made me so very thankful for all that I have.  DD ebbs and flows, it changes week to week.  Sometimes it is strong, and others it might have to sit completely on the back burner.  But it's always there.  It's always a tool that helps us get through.  We are working on making it a bit stronger, a bit more present, but I also can't deny that without it in the past, we would not be where we are now.  Even on weeks it's on the back burner, we learned a lot of other things that help us get through the day to day.

We have learned to talk.  We did not do that since our dating days until we started DD.
I have learned not to think of my needs first because he no longer ignores them.
We still struggle on admitting when we need help, but we have grown.
I am much less likely to be disrespectful in my thoughts.  If I think something disrespectful, there is a voice in my head that instantly says that isn't true, and if it is, to give it context.
Even when I am exhausted, I still try to find a way to bless the Duke each day.  Whether with a great kiss, a meal he likes, doing a chore for him, or what have you.

We plug along, and as I always hope, hopefully soon we'll have more time to commit back to this lifestyle because with it, I am so much stronger, and in honesty, so is he. :)

Friday, August 07, 2015


I didn't realize while updating that to reposts my posts, would literally fill up your blogroll reader feeds! :(

I am so sorry.  So instead of going and approving several posts several times a day, I'll preview a bunch each day, and early in the morning post them... hopefully this will keep you from missing  your posts from other blogs. 

Again, I am SOOO SORRY about that. :(

Wednesday, August 05, 2015

Under Construction

It seems only fitting as we are reworking DD that our blog get a makeover.  But it won't show up in the look.  I just have been feeling that I need to edit some posts, and completely delete others.  I used to be very open about who we are.  To the point people who know us would know this is our blog.  So I'm going to go through every post and repost what I feel is safe.  It might take a few weeks, but I feel this is necessary for our family.  I will try to do some of our most popular posts tomorrow, and then work my way back from the beginning. I hope you can be patient while I do this. :)

Thank you.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

We Finally Did It

We had to end up waiting until this past Monday night, but we finally got that first spanking out of the way.

I should have remembered that what I think and what the Duke thinks can be two totally different things, even if we're speaking the EXACT same words.  I thought we'd be going into an easy spanking, just to get us back into the swing of things.  The Duke thought it was an easy spanking, but also wanted force behind it so that I'd take our new start seriously.  I was surprised that I was trying to climb off his lap within the first five seconds.  I can hold my position, we worked hard at that.  But that night, I couldn't have been paid enough money to do so.  I tried, I told myself to behave, to handle it, but I couldn't.

And so you can probably guess that it wasn't long before the tears were coming.  I don't think I got the full emotional release I probably needed, but it was a good start.  Afterwards I wanted to get up and walk away.  But I forced myself to stay and to crawl into the Duke's lap.  It felt odd being there, and showed me just how much things have changed for us over this past year.

I am so looking forward to getting back together as we were, even with our household being different now.  I look forward to more conversations.  To the Duke learning to lead again.  To me learning to let go again.  To us learning to work together more as a team, something that seemed to fall apart when the accident happened.

I have so many hopes, and am so excited.  Through it all though, I'm trying to keep my expectations realistic.  I love this man so much, and am glad it's him I get to go on this journey with as we get back into DD. :)

The Duke's Deductions:

Hi guys.

Yes it was our first spanking in a long time, and this is my first time blogging in a long time. I imagine it is going to take a while to get the cobwebs out and get used to again. Again, I thought I was doing a light spanking, but EsMay started jumping at the warm up lol. I hadn't even moved on to the paddle yet. I got her to settle down and cooperate again. It was good being able to spank her again and feel that feeling of being the one in control. We went to the paddle after the warm up and I thought I was being pretty light with that. It felt good in my hands and good to have my wife submit to the the spanking. I know she found it too hard so it seems we have a few things to figure out in terms of spanking force and quantity I suppose but that is ok, this lifestyle is partly about figuring things out together. Life has been stressful this year so I am hoping this will take away some of the stress. We also went away from home together for a few days this past week so I am hoping this closeness and bonding time will help with the spankings. Anyway, have a good evening.

Friday, June 19, 2015

Starting Anew

I feel like I've dropped off the map.  I didn't mean to stay away, but literally, there was never a moment to get on.  And in all honesty, I have inlaws coming in the hour, and the house needs a run through, but I feel I want to say hi, and just say where we're at.  I'm hoping to be blogging again, and I'll actually probably need to as well.  The Duke and I are starting talks about what we want DD to look like.  We weren't able to really practice while I was pregnant, then had to wait until I was healed, and then the Duke needed his healing after the accident, and we now finally feel in a place where we can look at getting back.

And with that I feel some fears.  How do I want to live this lifestyle now that I have a baby in the house.  She has had some health issues that have made her clingy.  I want to set goals for myself, but sometimes, no matter how hard I try, they have to be unmet so that I can make sure she is physically and emotionally cared for.

But deep down, my biggest fear is letting go again.  I've had to be so strong this past year, I've had to be in control, I've had to lead, and especially so since the Duke's accident.  He's now in a place to take back control, and I'm scared.  I crave so much to be led, and am terrified by it all in the same breath.  I'm not sure I remember how to let go, how to step back, how to follow.  I want to, but some part of me is warring against it inside.

So I foresee many blog posts once we try to restart in a couple of weeks.  Our baby is being dedicated this weekend, so lots of family will be coming and some not leaving for a few weeks... I never thought my little apartment would be so busy, but we are never alone now.  And I don't mean baby wise.  There is always family wanting to visit now.  That too will put a damper for now on how we move forward because we want to be alone when we really get back into the swing of things.

I pray I can get over the fears.  Fears the Duke will have to start over from the beginning on trusting he can lead.  Fears that he'll be inconsistent and leave me hanging.  Fears that I won't be able to submit when he asks it of me.  Fears that I will panic at our first few spankings.  Fears that I won't know how to let go and follow.  They are all silly, I hope... I hope we can just get back into things soon, I hope company does not stay long this time.  I wish circumstances would have allowed us to try before now.  But this is where we're at, and maybe the waiting has been good, and needing to wait.  I know there is still more we need to talk about... like me needing to admit I'm afraid... which I'm afraid to admit.  LOL  I just feel the Duke has been so overwhelmed already, and I want to protect him, and yet in the same breath... isn't that just a great start to wanting to be submissive?  YIKES!

So here we go, I'm excited, I'm scared, I yearn, I fear, but I definitely want.

Monday, March 30, 2015

Thank You & Update

First of all, my little one is sitting in my lap, hands just a winging around, so she says hi, but please forgive any spelling mistakes she may help me make. ;)  She's quite active today. :)

I want to thank you all for your prayers, messages and emails.  You sure know how to make people feel loved.  And you'll be impressed, I actually, for the first time in months, got back to comments. It took days though, but I did it.  The Duke is healing very well.  Amazingly well, and so now I feel a bit stupid for how worried I have been.  He still has double vision which is a worry since the accident was almost two weeks ago.  His doctor told him at two weeks to see his eye doctor, so he is tomorrow morning.  I've been considering a different eye doctor, but we can't for this visit because his eyes have to be tested and compared to what they were at his last year visit.  I'm praying they can find a way to help him.  For now, he's still not allowed to do anything.  This caused quite a bit of trouble up until the weekend, with the Duke getting more and more cranky as his body was more and more healed.  But finally he realized what a strain he was putting on me, and apologized last night.  His confusion is totally gone, and except for a dream like moment on Friday because he became overwhelmed with being in public (we had to go to his work to fill out Leave of Absence forms) he has not had any more dream like moments. 

The only other thing that the double vision is that one of his thighs feels numb.  I know from several friends that this can heal itself, or it might remain for life.  It isn't hurting him, so if that stays that way, I'm not too worried.  We have let the doctor know, and she's going to look into it, but there seems to be nothing to be too concerned about.

The one thing that was hard especially this week was Wednesday.  I had to take our daughter for her two months shots, take the Duke for another doctor's appointment, then take him to the hospital to have the staples in his head removed... all before needing to go see our car.  You know when you see a car all smashed up and it sends shivers up your spine?  It feels like a ghost of a car, and you're filled with this sort of dread?  I really expected that.  Maybe it's because I'd seen photos first (which I literally broke down bawling and couldn't breathe for a minute when I saw them) but when I saw the car, my mind was just trying to process that it was all real.  My trunk and back seat are basically non existent.  Yet the 12 inches of the backseat that did not get crushed in, right behind the driver's seat, was the baby seat.  Which is always in the middle seat, yet somehow ended up in behind the driver's seat, scratched, but amazingly not broken.  Don't worry, we still know not to use it again.  And glass.  Did you know car windows shatter into miniscule little pieces?  I didn't.  It was like someone had emptied a snow cone machine into my car.  And then when I was finally brave enough to go around to the back passenger side, I just stood there, numb.  I'm sure the owner of the lot thought I was crazy.  Or maybe other people do the same, and just stand there, and process.

As a lot of you suggested, we put the ideas of leading and submission on the back burner.  Which is good, because today I caught the Duke texting on his phone, which was a major no no from his doctor.  I didn't lecture him or anything, but I did admit how severely disappointed I was in him, and took the phone away.  I felt HORRIBLE doing it.  But knowing his behaving now helps determine how long he'll have the double vision, and I don't want it for life, is what drove me to act.  It is so against my nature, and I still don't feel good about it, but I know it's what had to be done.  He said he understood.  He even said I could punish him.  Yeah, that was WEIRD!!!  Though I know he didn't mean a spanking, still, way out of my comfort zone.

I took a picture, purposefully putting my ring finger in the picture to show you this was a real accident, knowing it can be hard to trust people you don't know.  But then I changed my mind and realized those of you that know me know I'd never lie to you.  But when the Duke found out I'd taken the picture, he wanted me to show you, to show how thankful he is to be alive.  So I'm putting it below.  Please, only look if car crashes don't bother you, because this was scary. :( At least for me, knowing the man I love was inside.


In some ways it is better than I'd been told, and seen pictures of, and in some ways it is worse.  The fender through the back window was tossed in after the accident, that is not where it landed during it. Even still, no part of the back seat or trunk is accessible.  The only door that opens is the driver's door. The only thing in the whole car that does not look broken to pieces is the Duke's seat, and even that, the head rest is snapped back.  God really sent an angel to protect him that day.  It could have been so much worse.

{Sorry, I'm sitting here in the middle of the night feeling very strongly that I needed to pull the picture off.  Sorry.}

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

A New Form of Submission

I had hoped to do a post this week about our journey back into DD.  My parents have been here since our little girl was born.  They were only going to stay two weeks, but one thing after another has kept them here.  So they were going to go home this past Friday and the Duke and I were going to get back to DD this weekend with a reset/role affirmation spanking.

But one evening last week the Duke didn't come home.  Let me say first that the Duke is okay and alive.  But after him being late by 45 minutes, something told me I had to call the police to see if there were any reported accidents.  Something felt very wrong.  Ten minutes later they called me back with one of the calls you NEVER as a wife want to get.  A constable called to say the Duke had been involved in a major car crash, our car would never be driven again, and that the Duke was being taken by ambulance to hospital.  For hours they would tell me nothing else, they would give me no indication on how he was doing.  My world stopped.  For an hour the hospital had no information on if he was even going there, I kept calling every 10-15 minutes, I'm sure they hated me, and I kept worrying that he was dead and was just being taken to a funeral home since they didn't even have any information on him being sent to the hospital.

That was the worst five hours of my life.  The Duke is alive, and will heal.  He has over 15 staples in the back of his head, he is literally black and blue throughout his body, his chest and stomach is one wall of yellows, reds, blacks and blues, and is in such a lot of pain. :(  He couldn't move at all without help for days, now he can do a very little bit.  He has a serious concussion, and has to miss weeks of work for it.  He's not allowed to do anything but sit in a dim or dark room, and can have soft music.  He is to do nothing that requires focus.  No tv, phones, tablets, computers, gaming, not even reading or listening to heavy music, podcasts and audio books.  Nothing, his brain is to have complete rest for at least another week, probably two, and when he goes back to work, the doctor says it will be done in stages, starting with only two hours a day.  I didn't know a concussion could be so serious.... but he was unconscious for several hours, and made no sense for another day and a half, talking about things that weren't real.  If he doesn't follow the doctors orders, they tell me he could stay in the dream like state he's in, with the headaches and double vision, for the rest of his life.  As it is now, he's already had them for about a week.

So this leads me to a new way of submission.  I had worked over the pregnancy on being submissive, even when the Duke couldn't be leading, even when there couldn't be consequences.  I wanted to really dig inside myself and keep growing.  But now, I have to find a new form of submission.  I have to find a way to take care of the Duke without overstepping him.  I have to find a way to follow the orders that doctors have given to me without taking the lead.  I need to find away to take care of him, and do what is needed while respecting him.  It seems so weird to be making the decisions right now.  It seems so horribly wrong to make sure he's following instructions.  Not because he's not trustworthy, but because he's so confused at times, he could literally forget instructions, and already has at times.  It feels horribly wrong to be checking up on him.  I feel more like it's showing that I don't trust him than it is that I'm taking care of him.  But I'm working to find the balance.  My parents stayed longer to help me take care of the Duke, the baby, and until we get a new car.  My Dad really respects my want to be a submissive wife, so it's been great to have him to talk to at times when I'm really unsure if I'm doing the right thing.  I just really want to do the best I can for the Duke.

So as we go through this new stage, which I'm hoping and praying is only the few weeks the doctor expects, I'm praying I can keep being submissive.  But above all, I'm praying for the Duke's well being.  It is frustrating for him to be so confused, and not being allowed to do anything.  Insurance people and police keep calling to find out details about the accident, but he was unconscious, he can't remember a thing, and not being able to remember when they need him too only adds to his stress.  Our car is destroyed, half the car is literally crushed in.  I've heard that said before, but never really seen it.  It is terrifying to see when you realize someone you loved was in all that.  I've only seen pictures so far, but tomorrow I go to see the actual car to make sure we need no more of the personal possessions inside.  I'm praying I'm brave enough to see it in person.  I've decided to not let him see it himself since the pictures alone bothered him so much.  Another way I have to make a decision that feels so wrong for me to be making by myself... but I literally don't know what else to do, I really don't think with his mind the way it is right now that he can handle it.  He already blames himself for the whole thing, when none of it was his fault.  But he can't seem to process that right now.  :(

So for now, DD is still on hold.  The Duke can't even raise his arms due to all the bruising along his torso and arms.  If he tries, he can't even breathe through the pain, so spanking is completely out of the question.  But I'm learning and growing all the time, and I think finding ways to be submissive out of the box will truly help us in the long run.  But most of all, my marriage keeps getting stronger.  The Duke and I keep growing closer together.  Right now it's a bit harder since he's confused, but through this too we will get closer.

I thought my baby was my miracle, and that made 2015 so special.  But now I have another miracle in 2015.  The police don't know how he left that accident alive.  The doctors don't know how there wasn't internal damage through his torso with the amount of massive bruising.  Thank God he's alive.  I know God would get me through if we lost him, but I NEVER want to learn how to live without him.  I'm so glad that every time we part we kiss and tell each other we love each other, that we do the same every night when we say good night, and that we end every call with saying we love each other.  I kept asking the police officer if I was allowed to tell him I loved him, then the nurses once he was at the hospital.  No one would let me.  But I had the peace knowing that those were my last words to him, are always my last words to him.

PS, didn't realize the Duke was the last one to be logged in to our blog, and with all going on, I didn't even think to check who was logged in like I usually do, so this posted as his ID.  But this is EsMay writing the post.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

She's Here :)

I should have realized the other day when I wrote on here that I was way past normal hormonal.  lol  I should have remembered being told if that happens, labour is just around the corner.  But I didn't.  And it was. :)

She's here, she's PERFECT!  And oh so sweet.

Weighing in at just over 6 1/2 pounds, 19 inches long at 39 and a half weeks gestation. :)

It was a hard labour, so hard I don't even remember half of it, and apparently I kept blacking out from pain because she was in the wrong position.  There are entire stretches of hours I don't have any memory of.  But we did it. :)  She's here, and I am so happy to have her, the rest doesn't matter.

The Duke, who has been growing more and more in his role over the years, was a completely different man this time in labour than he was last time.  He was really there for me, he knew he could do it, and he was just my rock.  He told me when I needed to do things, encouraged me when I kept blacking out and said I couldn't give any more, and was just so wonderful.

And those of you that knew that we were praying against a NICU stay even though the doctors told us she HAD to go because I'd wrestled with gestational diabetes... she didn't go! :)

Thank you for all the prayers.  God really blessed us over and over again with this little one.  We are so VERY thankful. :)

I'm sorry I haven't responded to comments, but I have been reading them all as they come in over email. Thank you. They have meant so much to me.  :)