Tuesday, June 04, 2019

I Am Worthy

First of all, thank you for all the wonderful emails, and checking up on me.  I am okay.  A lot happened this month, and I just couldn't get on. I had four posts I wrote, but none got out in the month of May.  There was a major crisis and several other things going on, and I just couldn't concentrate to post, or visit.  I am terribly sorry.


I Am Worthy

Not words I could have said before, but, right now, I am starting to be able to say it.

I Am Worthy.

These should be simple words to say as a person, but I have struggled with self worth my whole life.  I was abused as a child, the words I heard was that I was hated, unwanted, that I'd ruined my mother's life.  It gets so much worse, and I will spare you the details.

I love the Duke, but he's never really given many compliments either.  They just aren't something he thinks on.  He thinks the world of me, and loves me very much, it just isn't something he thinks of.  The few I get, I've hung on to like a dehydrated man holding onto a newly found jug of water.

The chat room I told you about, about a month ago, and I'm so sorry to have been away so long, this room has been so wonderful for me.  They really love people there, just as they are, without trying to change them.  Well, me they're trying to change, on one thing.  My self esteem.  They wish I could see myself in a better light.  So, one Master took it upon himself to start that change.  He started telling me I was worthy.  Then last week I said to him that for that one moment, I could say it.  I wrote "I am worthy".  I thought it would only be a moment.  Just a blip.  But he asked me to say it again.  So I did.  He asked me to say it louder, so I did in capital letters.  He then asked me to shout it, so I added several explanation points after it. *giggles*

And then came the challenge.  "Go shout it in the main room."  I choked for a few seconds.  Being able to say it to him, and being able to say it in a room full of people, granted I've never met them, but still, were two totally different things.  But I did.  I went into that room and said

"I AM WORTHY!!!!!!!!"  

Let's just say, when a whole room knows you have self confidence issues, and you go in and do that... you get A LOT of compliments, and finallys, and thank goodness you see it now. *giggles*

Then, in that same room, that Master came out and told me he wanted me to make a sign to put up that I would see every morning when I wake up that said those words.  Because baby girl still has a lot of bad nights, and I often am in there, I made a sign for her room, and our room.  He also told me to go to a mirror 2-3 times a day, and say those words to myself while looking at myself.  This was at the beginning of last week, and let me tell you, it's working.  It's really working.  And it's also helping because the people that were in the room that day, if they see me on another time, they tell me again that I'm worthy. :)

This Master says every submissive has a wonderful gift to give in their submission, that they are strong, beautiful, worthy and so much more, and that he wishes every submissive could see this about themselves.  So, I'm submissive, and in that, I'm learning I am beautiful, smart, strong, worthy, and I'm told by many that I make the room smile and light it up... those are hard to say, but, I'm going to work on embracing them all.  I have decided to start a compliments journal.  A small book with compliments I get, so that when the lies of the past start to overwhelm me, I can pull it out and remind myself how others see me. :) 

The Duke is LOVING how my confidence is growing.  He and this Master talk, they are becoming friends too.  When I was told I was no longer allowed to say bad things about myself in the room, the Duke made it a HARD rule at home too.  Like I can't even say "I can't believe I was that stupid." or "I made a pathetic attempt to do (insert thing).  I am not allowed to use any sentence that talks about me and says the word stupid, pathetic, unworthy, or idiot, even if I'm not talking about myself.  I stand no chance at bad self esteem anymore if everyone has a say about it.  It kind of makes me feel really loved. *blush*

I am not an artist by hand, I love to do digital art, but to draw, hahaha.  That eye I did a few months ago was only because I followed a youtube video, all 30 plus minutes, bit by bit.  So, these aren't works of art.  Still, they're my saying, ready to go on the walls. :)  If you struggle like I have, I hope you can take this task I was given, and try it on yourself. :)  You are worthy too. :) :)

I got the ideas for the doodles by looking up bullet journal doodles. :)  As you can see, baby girl got a hold of the one for her room and wrinkled it a bit. hehehe



Monday, April 29, 2019

Some Knowledge Help, Please?

Hello.  I am still here. ;)  Haven't found a gang of gypsies to join and run away with just yet. ;)

If you've been reading my blog for years, you know this time of year is especially hard on my allergies, and I often get sick, so I decided to get a sinus and bronchitis together. ;)  You know me, I can't do anything half way. lol  But I am almost completely done the bronchitis and over half way over the sinus infection, and feeling sooo much better. :)

SOOOOOOOOOOOO.  After ignoring you all for a couple weeks, *hangs head*  really sorry about that, I have a favour to ask... and I know that is greedy.  But I need your help, opinions and knowledge, if you'd be willing to take a few minutes sometime this week?

On Sunday, May 5th, I am going to be hosting a chat on a BDSM chat site about DD.  I am almost done my chat outline, but I wondered if any of you guys would be willing to take a look over, and see if I'm missing out on any key information?  Or if you find something isn't true for you that I can add as a note that other couples see such and such a thing a different way?  I am going to share that just like each BDSM couple, each DD couple is different as well, and the dynamic can look very different between two couples.  I just really want to give an accurate portrayal while showing the beauty of DD.

If you would like to join this chat, it will be Sunday, May 5th with a topic time of 1pm EST and one at 8pm EST with the same notes.  It just allows people from different time zones to attend.  Just send me a comment here, or write me at esmayslife@gmail.com to let you know where. :)

I will warn you though, if you go, I'm a submissive in the room to the Duke, and answer to a few people the Duke has asked to watch over me if he's not in the room.  I don't show much of that on here, this is a DD blog, but I am finding I identify very much as a submissive.  We are still very much keeping our DD roots, we need them.  I need the structure and security DD provides.  And that is partly why the site wants me to do this chat.  To teach people in the BDSM world the treasures that can be found in DD if they think it would work alongside what they do. :)

I'd love to be able to share my notes with a few of you if you'd be open to it, to get feed back to better be able to share and teach this Sunday. :)

And I hope to have a post or two out this week now that my health is returning. :)


Saturday, April 13, 2019

Another Line That Helped My Marriage

If you remember, about a month ago I shared a line that helped save my marriage.  And thank you to everyone who commented, we felt very supported. :)

"Once Does Not Equal Always".  Is a line that perhaps did not save my marriage like the other, but it definitely helped change it, and any marriage I have shared this tip with, vanilla and DD, D/s marriages, people in person, and friends out in blogland.

So where did I get these absolutely wonderful words of wisdom that I will explain in a minute?  Well, from a slots game of course. :P  This one is called Rome & Egypt from Jackpot Party.  The woman, she looks sweet, submissive, calm, obedient, and to be honest, maybe just a bit nervous.  Ah, a place I've heard Doms and Hohs like their subs and tihs to be. ;) That girl looks like she's about to be spanked. ;)  Look how she's nervously clutching her stomach, and she may even be a little bit frustrated. ;) The man, he looks strong, in charge, determined and focused.  She IS his.  When their reels come up together, he looks like he's looking at her with pride, and a look of "you better behave".  And that fist, yeah, she's so getting spanked.  lol  I know, silly, really silly, but I loved it, and is what it reminded me of every single time. :)

They're slots, so sometimes you win big, and often you lose big, way bigger.  I played this game when I needed to relax, but not think.  When I'd win big, sometimes I'd raise my bet (not real money, just play money) hoping to win more, and lose all my winnings.  It annoyed me, and sometimes made me angry that I could win a million, and then proceed to loose a hundred million time after time, some nights it was not the relaxing tool I'd hoped.  I felt the game was rigged.  Way To Go, EsMay, of course the game was rigged.  Augh.  Once in a while I'd keep winning, but it was rare, usually it was the one win and I'd go broke trying to get another.  One day I told myself.  Stop. "Once does not equal always" and to not expect to keep winning just because I had once.

The Duke and I were in a very bad place before DD.  I was invisible.  We'd come home each night, eat in the living room doing different things, and the Duke would get on and play video games.  He'd come to bed a lot later than me, and then be too tired in the morning to communicate.

Then we started DD.  And the Duke really tried, but I still had so much hurt and anger to deal with.  There were times he'd do something he'd done in the past that would really hurt me all over again, like ignore me one night, not talk to me, do something he knew annoyed me.  My first words would be "Why!  Why does he always do this?"  But he didn't.  Not anymore.  His times of hurting me were getting less severe, happening a lot less often.  He REALLY was trying. And that is when I realized I had to start quoting the line I used in the game.  "Once does not equal always."  Just because one night he acted like his old self, didn't mean he did on the whole, or that he would continue to.

I could have let those moments that still hurt me, rule me.  I could have railed at him and tore him down and become a real horrible wife.  But that was my issue.  He was making progress.  I couldn't expect him to become a new man over night.  So, I decided to do the right thing.  To count those nights as off nights.  Not make a big deal about them.  Not make him feel that I was waiting to pounce on every single thing he did wrong.  He didn't need that.  He was in unchartered waters, learning to lead our marriage, something he never thought himself capable of.  If I'd given into the mentality that one bad night was all the time, and tore him down, I might have made it so that we never could have done DD, because he would have been a fearful mess.

So, this line came up a lot in my life for a while, when my first reaction was to ask why this or that always happened.  It usually didn't.  It's taught me to focus way more on the good than the bad. :)  Do I always succeed in that?  No, but I really do try, and most times succeed.  My marriage and life are way better because I focus on the good.

Have you found you've had to do the same in your marriages/relationships?  Now that I've shared the two lines that have helped my marriage, do you have a quote, or thought, that has gotten you through, or improved your marriages/relationships?  I'd love to hear them if you're willing to share. :)

The Duke's Deductions: 
Yes I still struggle with this at times. It's good to have some grace, to realize once isn't always. One thing marriage has taught me is that my natural instinct is to be alone, so it is still hard to fight against my natural instict, but I realize I have got to keep trying.. I love EsMay so much and am so thankful that she has shown this grace to me and has stayed with me all these years and been willing to fight for our marriage. She has grown so much as well, and I am so proud of her for that. 



Thursday, April 11, 2019

Thriving To Please

I had a compliment this week that I can't get out of my head.  It was from a Dominant that I have not known long, but who has taught me a lot in the time I've known him.  He said I was "A submissive whom thrives to please".  And it is so very true.  I did not ask him if I could share this compliment...

Now I know he meant it in more of a different way than I'll share here, and the compliment as he meant it touched my heart, but also, something inside me unfurled.  This lie I had let build up around me for many, many years.  I've been called a people pleaser my whole life, not in a good way.  Friends would try to rescue me, change my way of thinking.

Here's the thing, I like to help people.  Someone in grief?  I don't have the answers, but I can be there to cry on, so they're not alone.  I can come over and look after children, or help clean, or bring a few meals.  I can fight on their behalf when people around them try to rush their grief, or try to rob their right and need to go through it.

I have a friend who's having a hard time.  Twin babies while her husband is out of town, and older children as well.  Sure, it would be easier to stay at home, but I pack up baby girl a couple times every week to help her.  I can't sit at home, especially when I'm not working, and not offer her help.  That isn't who I am.  I can ease her load, give her a few hours to herself or to sleep, help with housework.  That's the person I want to be.  To make her world a bit easier, even if for only two days a week.  The Duke and my Dad know I help this friend because they give me drives since they both need their cars.  Two blogger friends also know because I tell them I'll be gone for the day and can't chat, but that's it.  But now, I know I don't have to hide it.  Don't get me wrong, I won't be sharing with people that I do, it's not their business, and I sometimes get nervous with compliments because so many people are insincere in my life, but it's nice to know I also don't have to worry that people will find out.

I love to help people with their marriages and their relationships and watch them flourish when they were struggling before.  I love coming along side someone who is crushed by life, and helping them see they can get back up again, etc.  I don't do this for me, but because I've learned I can come along side someone who is hurting, and offer them comfort, something I wanted so many times in my life, and didn't have.  If I can help keep one person from feeling that pit of despair like I did so many times, I want to do that for them.

Now, don't get me wrong, there is a line.  I really do not like being taken advantage of.  I flat out hate being forced to do something under threat from someone who should have no authority over me.  There are lines.  I can, and do say no... need to do it more with my parents... but I'm learning.

So, I'm a submissive, and I thrive on pleasing, and I really thrive on being able to please someone's spirit by helping.  I'm never, ever going to be able to be that person who sits to the side while someone needs help, not when I can help.  Sure, I can't always, I might not have the time, money, skills, ability to relate, but I will when I can.

Just something I'm thinking on today.  (The Duke usually checks my posts to approve them in the morning, so these ramblings are actually from yesterday, he'll post after he reads)  I might not be able to talk to this man much longer who gave me the compliment, but he's taught me a lot about myself.  He's helped me face truths that I've buried deep because I've been taught to be ashamed of them.  Things about me that are actually beautiful to have in a submissive personality.  He's been really nice to the Duke as well.  I'll miss learning from his wisdom, but I'll carry what he's taught us with me for life.

This isn't one of the posts I promised on learning about submission, just a post about me.  Those posts are almost ready though. :) :)  And there will be more after. :)

The Duke's Deductions:
This is one thing I really love about EsMay. She cares so much about other people. I love that she is willing to help her friend in a tough time. I am proud of EsMay for being so caring and so helpful, and I love her for it.

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Good Bye Old Insecurities

A book title caught my eye tonight while I was looking something up.  "What is it like to be married to me?"  and from what I understand, it's about questions we ask our spouses.  To be honest, I didn't stop to look it over.  This book would have really interested me 5 -7 years ago probably.  But it kind of made me chuckle tonight.  How different I am now.

Have you been there?  The questions?  The self doubt?  The needing reassurance?  I have, but I was finding it in all the wrong ways.  Having my questions answered helped me for a minute, but within days, sometimes hours, or less, I'd be back to feeling insecure.  Some of these might sound familiar to you.
- If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
- Do you think I'm as pretty as so and so?
- Do you think I'm sexy?
- Do you ever think about your ex?  And how they....?
- Why do you love me?
- Do you ever wish you could do it over again and choose someone else?
- Are you still glad you married me? (okay, sometimes I cheekily ask it now after I've made the Duke inordinately happy)

I don't know exactly when, or where, those stopped mattering, but I think it's because I started having real value in myself, even when my marriage was falling apart last year.  I'm important.  The world has tried to prove to me over and over, and heck, OVER again, that I'm not.  But I am.  I matter.  I can make a difference, even if it's only in a life or two of those I love.  I have value.  What I want, what I need, IT MATTERS.  No matter what anyone else says.  No matter that someone else may have needs that are more pressing than mine at the moment.  I don't need to pretend I'm someone I'm not.  I don't need to push my needs aside just because someone may try to tell me that they don't have value.

DD, D/s, they've given me the strength to find me.  To embrace me, and like me.  Fighting for our marriage last year taught me just how much power I actually have.  That I have influence, and I am capable.  I can effect change.  The Duke doesn't need to know why he loves me, he just has to know that he does.  I don't have to try to be better than any ex girlfriend, I'm happy, and I do all I can to make him happy.  If that isn't enough for him, that does not fall on me at that point, he has to take it from there.  (He has never compared me to an old girlfriend, it was my fear, in fact he told me he never thought about them unless I brought them up, that was a quick lesson)  Does he think I'm sexy?  Oh, ladies, in case you're wondering, confident women, who also can be submissive and say seriously mean "Yes, Sir" is pretty darn sexy to many men. ;)  I wish I'd realized that sooner, I might have worked harder at it. lol

So, do I not have any questions anymore?  Sure.  But they're different now.  They're not about having it proven to me yet again that I have value.
- What can I do for you today?
- How can I make things easier for you?
- Is there something you'd like me/us to try that we haven't before?
- You seem stressed, would giving me a spanking help you?
- I would love to do this certain thing, how do you feel about it?

Do you see the shift?  I didn't, not until I read the title to that book tonight.  I didn't see how IMMENSELY far I'd come.  Sure, crappy days happen, I will still have insecurities, I really, really hate disappointing people, especially those I look up to, but I'm growing.  In a direction I like.

Maybe the freedom in all of this isn't just that someone else is in control now.  Maybe part of the freedom is that I've finally found me, and to me, she's pretty great.

The Duke's Deductions:
I am glad EsMay has had this change in perspective. It's true that if you rely on other people to tell you that you are okay, well, other people are fickle. They have their own issues and insecurities, and may not always provide the encouragement you need. I know that I have low self esteem and put too much weight into my fears about what other people might be thinking about me. So, I am so glad for my wife that she is going through this and finding confidence from within.   

Tuesday, April 09, 2019

Researching

Hello.  I am still here. :)  I just am doing a lot of work on my book, almost finally finished... two months past when I wanted to be. :(  And, doing a lot of research on the different types of submission, what we as a couple can learn from it, and just where I/we best fit in it all. :)  I am learning a lot and making some amazing friends in the process.  I hope to have a meaningful post in a couple days. :)

Sunday, March 31, 2019

Questions Answered

Here are three questions we got, and the answers to them. :)

Roz: How did you and the Duke meet?
We met at church, actually.  He was going to a small church that they wanted to have a children's program for.   Instead of having two people out every week, they hired me to look after the kids, and only one church member had to help me each week.  Even though the Duke didn't have children, he started visiting the children's area more and more. ;)   I ran a group for Christian singles in our area.  One a month we did gym games night, one night a month we did a book study or board games night, and one night a month we went out to do something like bowling, bumper cars, mini golf, etc.  So I invited him to come to that.  We became friends, and out side of singles nights and church, we started chatting on MSN chat.  Then he showed up at my door one evening.  My door bell that NEVER worked, EVER, all the sudden rang.  And it was him at the door.  We were both so nervous to be alone, that we spent 4 hours talking about my cat, and the dog he grew up with.  4 hours, people.  4 hours.  I thought we'd never talk again.  It was sooooo embarrassingly painful.  But, the next time it was easier to talk about other things.  Yes, the poor man came back.  lol  18 months or so after meeting, we started dating. :)  When we started to get serious, I talked to two couples I knew, one where the woman is four years older like I am, and one where the woman was ten years older.  I wanted to know how that affected the relationship.  I also talked to my friends.  I'd dated and almost married another guy, only to find out everyone hated him.  EVERYONE.  I needed their feedback.  They all loved the Duke.  And I could tell they were sincere. :)  Not quite a year after we started dating, we were married. :)   And here we are now, 11 years married. :)

Roz: What is your favourite thing to do together (non sex/spanking related lol).
Sure, Roz, go ahead, take all the fun out of the question. :P  No spanking or sex.  :P  Hmmm, that is a good one.  I'm not sure what my favourite is.  Probably cuddling up to him so that we can watch a movie together.  I love when his arms are around me.  I love it.  But I also love going out with him to just sit and talk over a nice meal, which we don't get to do often.  I love hearing what he thinks and feels on things.  Oh, and we're recently studying some books together, we did this much earlier in our marriage, and I'm finding I'm really liking it. :) 

Ella: How do you and the Duke deal with one or the other of you being sick? It always seems to let us slip back into bad habits.
We have learned, the hard way, that letting the dynamic we live slip to the back can be very bad for us too.  The Duke used to think that because I wasn't feeling well, I shouldn't be held accountable, but then we'd see how I'd spiral out of control, feeling lost, and not sure what to do with myself.  I made this list, and even though we don't really look at it now, getting the ideas into our heads really helped.  Submission Exercises - When Sick. We still aren't as on with our dynamic when we're sick, it's just too tiring, and we have things that need our attention more.  Like, sleeping. lol  We do try to keep checking in with each other every few days, but by the time we're both better, we usually need a reset/reconnect spanking and talking session so that we're back on the same page quickly.  I hope it was okay to share the link with you, instead of printing it all back out here. :)  Sometimes the best thing the Duke can do for me, and for us in our dynamic, is to look at me, and tell me "I don't want you doing anything right now.  I want you to rest.  I'll even grab supper on the way home."  So then rest isn't just an option for when I've tired myself out, it's an order. :)  I don't have to worry about what's not getting done, I just have to worry about obeying. :)

Thank you guys for the questions, and to all my readers, please know, you can ask me/us questions any time you like. :)  Comments on here are easiest, but you can also write us as esmayslife @ gmail.com.  Hopefully I will know it's not spam, but just in case, please feel free to put the following in the subject line so I know for sure. :)
EsMay-A-Question?? ??