Monday, May 21, 2018

Better This Week :)

You'll be glad, this post is pretty short. :)

Thank you, everyone, for writing last week.  You are an amazing group of people, and were just the encouragement that I needed.  Seriously, you know how to make a girl feel loved.

So, my birthday is this month, I hit the big 40.  EEEEEEK!  Which isn't that big a deal to me, except it marks the end of having children.  Having only one that lived, I had hoped to let them have siblings, but oh well.  I have many friends wand siblings with young children, and they often play together.  So I am blessed by that.

So, for my birthday, I had money given to me early, and I bought two things.  One is a set of writing books I've been drooling over.  I have been writing DD books since 2012, and never brave enough to actually publish any.  So, armed with writing advice from several blogs I've been reading, essays, and the like on how to be a good writer, and now armed with these new books, I'm trying to get a book I started in 2012 that was only half written, though the scenes mostly sketched out, ready for publishing.  It might totally suck, I don't know... but I'm going to try.  Freaking out nervous, it's a story I have day dreamt over and over for the past six years, and to put it out there for people to share in my daydream, is a bit scary.

The other thing I bought was some things at pinkcherry.ca. :)  They are having a 40% off sale, so I got about $90 in stuff for only $52 plus taxes.  I got one especially that I think the Duke will like, though he'll like them all.  :P  But there is one especially that I hope he'll like. :)

Other than that, things are going better.  The Duke and I will finally get a date this afternoon, haven't had one of those in a while.  I PMSed this weekend, and the Duke chased me into the kitchen when I was having a fit, and let me tell you, he wasn't putting up with it.  My hands were pinned, I was immobile, and he was literally in my face telling me to CALM DOWN.  And of course, as the timid, quiet, shy, obedient, submissive, and always compliant girl that you know me to be, I gave in without on little bit of resistance.  I did "not" get upset, or up in his face, or physically fight his hold on me until I saw how serious he was.  No, no, no, not me.  *whistling innocently*  Okay, so he had to help me calm down.  *SIGH*  But I'm glad he did, because when he does, when he cuts my monthly tantrum off at the knees, I have nothing to apologize for later.  I am so thankful he's stepping up and doing that for me again.  It makes me feel loved, and like I am worth his time.

So that is my week, aside from work and family stuff.  lol  How are you all this week?

Friday, May 11, 2018

Sorry, Sad Post

I'm still here... I've been hurt and emotional lately, and haven't known anything good to share, so I'll just be honest.  And you should know I am PMSing, exhausted, overwhelmed, and possibly getting the flu, so I'm sorry I sound so sad.

Life is hard right now, and no one thing makes it hard, but a lot of everything.
Please know I'm not trying to bash anyone in my home, just sharing what my life is like, and welcoming prayers if anyone wishes too.

I walk on egg shells all day.  One thing is that I can't just share how I think and feel.  I'm all the sudden VERY alone in a house full of people.  My Dad gets upset about things and he shares why he's upset, he teases like crazy, and is always quick to point out if I am wrong.  I am not allowed to do anything of these things.  If I do, I have a very cranky Dad.  My mom is in her room all day long, and then wants me to do things for her.  I'm not kidding, it's not rare for her not to come out for six weeks at a time except for the bathroom, which I often don't see, so I don't see her for weeks unless except for when she's yelling her head off for things she can do herself.  The Duke has always been hard to ask questions to, it comes from his mother always having ulterior motives in wanting to know what was going on in his life.  But I'm the one who pays for it.  So if I make a mistake and ask him a question, he either flips out, or tells me nothing is wrong, and then when he finally sees I'm upset after weeks and months of this, and we talk about it, he tells me that of course I can ask him things, only to have the same behaviour repeat the very next time for over 10 years now.  Things are still stressful at the Duke's work, and I spend at least three to five phone calls a day encouraging him, and I think he's getting depressed, but he won't seek help.   

Dad is always worried that I can't take care of myself because I have headaches, and I get that since Mom says she can't do a thing for herself because of them, but I can, and I refuse to let them rule me.  All three of them and my daughter need me to be emotionally strong for them, to encourage them left, right and center, and in return, no one is around encouraging me, or just letting me share.  I all the sudden feel very lonely.  I want one person to listen without it being used against me later.  If I share with the Duke that I need his help, he all the sudden thinks I'm the enemy, and I'm not sure where that is coming from. :(  And of course, asking him is a question, and so impossible. :(  He's a great man, please know that, just, I don't know what is going on with all the people in my life.

Don't get me wrong, Dad helps a lot with dishes and laundry, and will take our daughter once in a while if we can find date time, which with me working days, and the Duke working evenings and weekends, is rare.  The Duke also will take our daughter when he can, but mostly he's home at bedtime or later, and she doesn't go to bed before 10 or 11, trust me, I'm working on that like mad, and she won't budge.  So by the time she's asleep, I need to be asleep for work the next day.  I just, am exhausted, need some alone time, and with I could just talk to someone in my household about anything on my heart.  :( 

And in crisis mode, I feel so alone.  Like today, my daughter said her belly hurt, I knew she was going to throw up, Dad was in talking to us, I was trying to get him out of the room quickly, but he moved so slowly to stay right with her.  I needed to get a towel, and he wouldn't move.  So I finally had to go to her room to grab one from there instead of the bathroom which was only 3 feet away because he wouldn't move from in front of the door once we got there.  So then she threw up on my carpeted hallway, and not into the toilet bowl which I could have gotten her to in time had I been allowed to move.  I was so frustrated.  I mean, come on, think.  The Duke is the exact same way in a crisis.  Are all men like this?

I do want to write here, but I don't know what about right now.  Life is just spinning out of control, and I fall into bed exhausted every night with so much that didn't get done, and I'm not even taking on anything extracurricular right now.  This is stuff around the house, for my family, and for my job that have to be done.  I get to church on Sundays, and that's it right now. :(  My friend has offered to kidnap me for yard saling a few hours many Saturdays over the summer, and I'm going to try to find a way to go, just to get out of my house.

So I'm sorry for the depressing post, but wanted to explain why I haven't been writing.  I'll try to get back to it soon, once I can find more of a balance.  You all mean so much to me, thank you for following along.

Sunday, April 08, 2018

Shifting Pride

Tonight is the Wrestlemania.  The Duke doesn't watch other sports, though sorry to any fans, I'm not sure I can call WWE sports. :P  So he and a friend get together once a week to watch on Tuesday nights, and then special events once a month, usually on Sundays.

Tonight is the biggest night of the year.  I wanted to make it special for him, and he absolutely loves the Spinach and Cheese Dip I make.  It's a bit of money, but I wanted to spoil him.  Now, something like that, I'd used to usually only make if I really wanted to impress someone.  But my focus is changing lately.  I knew the Duke would like to have some, so today I made two.  They're now waiting to go into the oven later tonight.  The men have pizza for now. :)

Before we got stronger in DD, and even in the early days of DD before my respect really got to be formed, I would have still made the dip, but so that I would look good to our company, I am ashamed to say.  Tonight I made it for the Duke, and the Duke alone.  There wasn't a thought at all if the friend would like it or not.  I was surprised that I honestly don't care if his friend has any.  The Duke may never notice the difference, but my heart does. :)

We talked last night about starting a weekly maintenance again, wish my poor bottom well. :P

Saturday, April 07, 2018

What I Want, What I REALLY Need

I know why I can be confusing to the Duke. I'm a constant war, two sides of me constantly fighting, even I get dizzy from it at times. I sometimes really make him question his ability to lead.  Tonight even. So I've sat here thinking about how I seem to send mixed signals at times...and how can I do or say something one time, and the exact opposite another, and yet both feel so much like who I am. I think I'm starting to figure it out, I think it's the difference between want and need. I don't like this about myself, and I've been working on it a bit in some areas, still not being able to put my finger on it before tonight, but I think seeing tonight how much I am at war with myself is really going to help me clarify how I want to act and feel.

My wants and my needs, and you will see how they seldom agree.

In making this list, I felt I remembered a similar post from someone before? So even though what I write here is from my head, the idea might be from a memory. :)  I found it, it's on God's Gift To Him Blog from 2010. :)

I wrote out like 30-40 wants/needs, but didn't want you having to read all night, so I tried to get it down to about 15-20, and some got combined as well. :)

I want to obey when I feel submissive and healthy and when it suits me
I need him to demand my obedience and submission at all times in all ways

I want to have freedom to test the limits, to decide some of the rules
I need him to remind me that showing him respect means obeying what he decides

I want to feel safe and cherished and comfortable
I need him to sometimes push past my limits for my own good

I want to hide from him, ashamed of my body
I need him to demand my nakedness, even when embarrassing, and to reassure he loves all of me

I want to run away when we fight, I want time alone to fester, time to focus on my hurt
I really need him to keep me with him, or go after me, and not let me build up walls and fears

I want to remain strong, and keep some independence
I need him to demand I let go, let my little out, my fears out, and my longings out and FULLY depend on him

I want to hide when I'm embarrassed
I need him to expose all of me so that I am utterly vulnerable to him

I want to nurse my hurts and fears alone
I need him to make me share everything so that I have nothing to hide

I want to be able to scream my head off during the rare times I'm hormonal
I need to have him step up and tell me that's enough, and to end it if need be

I want to give excuses for why I don't get things done
I need him to hold me accountable

I want him when I'm aroused
I need him to remind me that my body is his and that he's allowed to use me when and how he wants, even in the middle of the night

I want to hide from him how often I'm aroused at times, especially if I feel he isn't
I need him to keep his rule that I must always tell him because it humbles me to have to be so honest, which usually gets him in the mood if he wasn't before ;)

I want to talk him out of some of the rules
I need him to step up and tell me I will be following the rules, or else, and follow through

I want to decide when spankings happen, and how hard, how long, and for what reasons
I need him to decide, I need him to make me trust he won't hurt me, and not turn back if I make excuses

I want to self bash and tell myself how horribly I'm doing
I need him to stop me from hurting myself, and dragging myself to a dark place, to show me how special I am and force me to see the good

This list could go on all day, and I did cut it in half.

I'm such a walking contradiction.

Err... I mean, I don't know why the Duke is so confused. It's not like I'm inconsistent as a woman. :P None of you struggle with your needs vs your wants... do you? :P Of course not, we're all too perfect to have such an obvious flaw! *WHISTLING WAY TOO INNOCENTLY* Way too perfect. :P

The Duke's Deductions:
Thank you for writing this Esmay. This list is really good. I think it is encouraging for me to have this to look at. My natural instincts are oftentimes to think that Esmay is going through a hard time right now or is not feeling well so I should let things go or go easier, Or I think that I don't want to hurt Esmay's feelings, when really she needs me in that moment. So yes, its good to know that in those moments I can still push forward and push Esmay in that way. It is funny how sometimes the best thing you can do in a situation can be to do something that can hurt in the short term but overall can help the most in the longterm.



Thursday, April 05, 2018

A Little Bit Of Everything - Closing Thoughts

This is post 5 of 5. :)

First of all, thank you guys soooo much for how supportive you were in my last post.  I can't tell you how much it's helped me.  I feel freer to try now, freer to be me.  I know I will probably still struggle, but it helps not feeling alone.  You are wonderful people. :) 

And sorry it took so long to get this out, I've had it typed for weeks, but got sick again this week.  Is cold and flu season over soon??? :)

So, in conclusion, we are many things, and maybe even more things than we've shared in the past four posts.

Domestic Discipline (DD)
Dominance/Submission (D/s)
Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism (BDSM)
Little - But Not Age Play

I write mostly about DD, but am finding the more I settle into myself and can be honest with myself about what I like and don't like, and about what I want and don't want, I'm finding things about myself that I never knew, or have been learning along the way bit by bit.  And the more I learn, and the more I seek inside myself, the more happy the Duke seems to be with the changes.  Changes I thought would have him running for the hills when we first started on this journey over five years ago.

He gets turned on so quickly now.  He is so quick to use my body for his pleasure, and yet at the same time, he gives more pleasure than he takes.  He also uses my body in ways I used to hate, and now love.  Nothing that hurt me mind you, just ways of pleasure I used to not like, but now I love, and now he tells me how proud of me he is for being willing to try.

He guides me in ways I always dreamed of, like being told when to go to bed, being told when to sit down because I'm so exhausted and wished someone would just see how much I need help.  He even steps in and takes over decisions I wish I didn't have to make.  As some of you may recall, I had a sister that was saying very hurtful things to me a year and a half ago.  I kept putting up with it in love, crying my eyes out over and over again because her words hurt so much.  Finally the Duke put his foot down and said I couldn't talk to her anymore.  What a relief.  The choice was no longer mine.  He was protecting me, and I could rest in knowing the abuse was ending because the Duke was putting an end to our communication until she could treat me kindly again.  She is in our lives again, but the Duke is very cautious, and could take that away again at any time, and it's great to know I don't get to decide, he'll take care of it for me if it needs to be.

So... some things about me that make me who I am, and make us who we are.  A collage of many things, and still, as I keep learning, there will probably be more, and I'm loving every minute in the discovery.  What makes it more beautiful is that like I said, the Duke is loving every minute as well.  I don't know if I am like any other woman out there, and that is the simply beautiful thing about TTWD.  Picking and choosing what works for you, what makes you tick, what makes you crave, what makes you feel complete.  It's different for every person.  I love being unique.  Sometimes I fear that, but then I look at the Duke, who is so utterly fulfilled and loving in our marriage, and I know I'm doing something right.  He never looks at another woman.  Not in real life, not in a magazine, not on TV.  I can't wait to keep finding the things that make him happy and keep his attention.  He says it best when he says there is no reason to go looking elsewhere when I keep him so happy at home. :)  Those words just make my heart swell.

(This is not to send judgement to any marriages where the husband's eyes may stray, and that doesn't mean you haven't given your all.  And if that is your story, I am so sorry.)  {{{HUGS}}}

The Duke's Deductions:

I just want to say that Esmay has been very patient with me over our marriage. There has been lots of times where I have been tired, I have been selfish, I have been uncaring, or stubborn. And she keeps giving, keeps putting herself into this relationship, and keeps believing it can be better. So I am very thankful for that. I was immature when we got married, and in many ways basically acted like a kid, and in many ways there are still ways I need to grow up more, but we are going through this together. I feel like her submission since we started TTWD has really grown, and she has really learned to accept my leading in that area. As a result of her submission, I believe I have grown in my confidence and in feeling more secure in our marriage. I think early on in DD I was a lot less confident and so was more anxious about whether I was doing DD correctly or whether I was messing DD up, and so was not as comfortable as I am now with it. Due to her being submissive, I can now look at her and see that I can do what I want with her and that she is willing to listen to me. 

EsMay again - Sometimes he just makes me laugh.  Everything so sweet, and then that last line, like he's some kind of animal. ;)  LOL  But there is much truth in it too. :)  The beauty is in the fact that often what he wants to do with me is just to take care of me... or... well, ravage me. :P  Love this man of mine. :)

Friday, March 30, 2018

A Little Bit Of Everything - And A Little?

This is post 4 of 5.

Little - But Not Age Play

I shared this about myself a bit a while ago, well, parts of it... this one is a hard one to share, and I share some new things here.  I'm embarrassed, and vulnerable, and scared to death while typing this, but still feel I want to share so that you get a picture into who we are, so that people can relate to us better. 

Part of me gets scared sharing because I know how DD, D/s, and BDSM are generally accepted, but not littles, and I am not like any other that I've met, heard about, or read about, you'll see why below.  So I don't fit the mold at all, but I'm honestly not sure what else to call what happens.  Maybe little isn't even the right term, but it's all that I know to call it at this point.  I'll let you decide.  Maybe you have a better name for it for me? :)

***Before I explain this, I need to admit why I said we don't age play.  This is not against anyone who does, it just isn't what we do, and if you do, that is great. :)  We all have to make our lifestyles work for us. :)  For us, we don't make this a lifestyle, it's just something that happens or doesn't.  We don't immerse ourselves in it.  I don't usually like to sit and colour, I only watch young girl movies when babysitting, and I only play with toys when babysitting or playing with little one, not ever something I want to do on my own, etc.  It's more a personality that comes out when I say 'little'.  Let me explain.

So what happens to me is that sometimes I'll feel scared, unwanted, overwhelmed, lost, or even in good times when I feel extremely vulnerable or lots of joy.  That is when it happens.  I feel little, small, young, in desperate need of protection, of unconditional love, and being taken care of.  When I say need, I mean, down to the core of my being, so intense I almost can't breathe through it at times.  It in itself is overwhelming.  My voice gets small, I shrink, and I'm embarrassed.  I had noticed this of myself throughout life, and never let anyone know it was happening.  I'd hide away and tell myself to grow up.  But then one day it happened with the Duke during a spanking.  I hid, I hid it, spank after spank, until I was beyond thought, and then it happened before I realized the words were even out of my mouth.  "I'll be good, Daddy!"

I FROZE.  I had NEVER thought of him like that before.  I had NEVER thought of anyone like that before.  I panicked, and tried to scramble off the Duke's lap, but he wouldn't have it.  I started crying, and fighting against him for all I was worth, but he's way bigger and stronger than me, and told me he wasn't letting me go.  He then asked why I'd called him Daddy.  I couldn't answer, my heart constricted, my breathing choked in my chest, and I was in a complete state of panic.  He asked again, and then he demanded I talk to him.  I told him I didn't know.  I didn't, and I just wanted away from him to process whatever in the world it was that had just happened.

He held me, and comforted me, and let me know it was okay.  But then, not long after, maybe a few weeks, maybe just days, it happened again, this time while being intimate.  I know, I know, it's not supposed to, and so I was even more upset with myself because by this point I'd heard of littles.  The more comfortable I became around the Duke, the more easily it happened.  Don't get me wrong, it didn't happen all the time, but probably 2-3 times a month for about 5-15 minutes, if that, and over half of those times happened when we were intimate, even though I tried to tell myself that was wrong, bad, not socially acceptable, but it still happened.  We now know the things that usually make it happen, and I'd learned to not hate myself when it did, and then even thrive when it did.

Then, in the past few years, it stopped happening almost altogether.  When I was in labour, for the first time ever, I became a little in front of other people.  The Duke doubts everyone else knew, but I kept blanking out, I was still conscious, but there is about five hours I don't remember of labour.  The Duke said I'd ask several questions, get this look in my eyes of confusion, and then ask the same questions all over again.  He said this happened dozens of times, and that I was little through it.  He promises me he doubts anyone else understood what was going on, but he did.  He saw the fear, how lost I was, and he heard it in my voice, and how my speech had changed.  So if he saw it, I have this overwhelming fear that others may have realized it too. 

Also, my parents have moved in.  The reason I think it even ever happens is because of the abuse I had.  I think it's my mind trying to find a way to reclaim that innocence I was never allowed to experience, the unconditional love, the protection, the being taken care of.  With them around, I do not feel I can be that vulnerable.  So, when I wrote this a month or so ago, I had said it might be something that doesn't happen again because it hasn't in quite a while... but then two nights ago happened, and it was back, which is why I didn't post it a few days after my last post like I did with the others in this set.  When it happened, I was so upset, I couldn't even talk to the Duke.  He was floored when I called him Daddy in that little voice, and I couldn't deal.  I ran from the room, telling myself I was not going to cry, worried I was being rejected.  He found me, and told me he wasn't upset, just shocked because I had said I didn't want it happening again, he had tried several times to coax my little out over the past couple of years, feeling it was good for me to let her out, and I fought it tooth and nail.  I admitted I didn't mean for it to happen, and didn't even realize I was slipping until I called him Daddy.  I begged him to leave me alone, I was emotionally over wrought, and he finally did after trying to talk to me several times, and then I felt horrid.  I was so vulnerable, and I had pushed away the one person who would comfort me through it.  I'm still shaken up about it two days later, and feel that side of me hovering, begging to be let out until I can process through all of this.  I have been sick with bronchitis and really bad headaches for two weeks, that probably does not help my inability to deal with this.

In many ways, she is freeing.  I have had much healing when that part of me comes out because the Duke gives me extra love and care.  The Duke loves me when I go little, he says I have this excitement over little things, I am extra cuddly, I am extra sweet, and innocent.  When I'm little, for that brief period of time, I don't think, I just follow.  I just am super obedient, I never fight against him, I am so giving to him, and long to please him to the center of my being.  He says it's like I thrive over being told what to do and having to obey in those moments, that I get this look of peace when I have to do as he tells me.  There are even things I'm too nervous or embarrassed to do normally that that side of me begs to do.

So... a part of me.  I'm trying to embrace it again, I had in the past, but I'm finding it so difficult right now.  I'm starting forty in the face, and I just feel I should really be grown up by this point, and not in so much need of coddling when I feel like this.  I'm embarrassed by this side of me, the need that over takes me when it happens.  I do not like being that needy, to the core of my being.  I don't know how to feel that it happened all the sudden again.  I don't know if it's because I knew that this post was coming up and it's been making me nervous, or if it would have happened on it's own.  I just don't know. :(

I totally understand if this post turns people away... I am so confused by it all myself.  I had it all figured out at one point... or I was accepting of it at least... hoping I can find the balance so I'm not so uncertain.

The Duke's Deductions:

I like when the little side comes out. I don't think there is anything wrong with it, and I don't think it is anything to be embarrassed about. I remember a while ago when Esmay told me she had wanted to stop being little or calling me Daddy, and I didn't quite understand it, I just assumed she was no longer interested in it. I had been trying to stop treating her little since she had told me she didn't want to anymore and catching myself because it became such a normal part of our lifestyle together, so it confused me when she called me Daddy earlier this week after saying she didn't want to do that anymore. I feel Esmay is especially vulnerable right now, probably because of her being sick this week and our daughter being sick.

It can be hard because I want to do what is best for her, but it can be hard to tell what that is sometimes. What is best for her can sometimes be the opposite of what she wants in a particular moment, or can sometimes be something that can make her unhappy with me in the short term but will be better for her in the long term. Sometimes as an HOH I need to trust that she trusts me to try to do what is best for her. I also sometimes can have fear of making a bad decision, and need to trust that if I do make a mistake in this relationship that Esmay still loves me and will still forgive me and that I can learn from it.

EsMay again - Man I love this man!

Friday, March 23, 2018

A Little Bit Of Everything - BDSM

First of all, I finally got around to some blogs today, not all, but it was nice.  I'm sorry that I can't get to blogs often, and am so grateful for those of you that still read mine even while knowing that.

This post was quite risqué, and then I didn't feel comfortable sharing so much, so this is an abbreviated version of what we are in this lifestyle. :)  Hope that is okay.

This is post 3 of 5.

BDSM – Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism and Masochism.

I only like light or medium BDSM.  We are not so much into the S&M, though a bit, but I looked it up to make sure, and the first four of six still make us BDSM, though I'm no expert, so just going on what I know here. :)

I love having my hands tied, especially to something.  I like being blindfolded a bit, that one I never know how much I like.  I like being restrained in other ways than just my hands. Sometimes I like to be kept from talking by something, though have done it rarely.  Having it so that I have to fully trust the Duke, it brings a different level of submission, and definitely a new level of anticipation.  And as I mentioned a month or so ago, I love anal play.  There are other things too, but I feel hesitant to share, sorry.

I crave the things he does that makes me literal putty in his hands because of how much I have to submit to his control and fully trust him.  I literally feel this longing bloom in the core of my body, in the core of my heart.  I crave the anticipation of not knowing what is next and being able to do nothing to aid or stop what is coming.  Have I mentioned anywhere in these posts yet that I like giving up full control to my husband? :P  lol  Being tied means I don't have to think.  I don't have to decide.  There is nothing right or wrong I can do in the moment.  I just have to be.

I am not a huge fan of a lot of pain.  Many of you know that I suffer from a constant headache, and often suffer from other types of headaches on top.  But I do enjoy light to moderate levels of pain, and find they can even distract me from my headaches.  I guess maybe it’s the endorphin rush.

One thing I didn't anticipate about this lifestyle is how it got me out of my own head.  Some of you know that I struggled with a lust addiction when I was younger, and if I'm not careful, can still struggle.  Sometimes I'll be with the Duke, and all the sudden my mind can't focus, then I start recalling sex scenes I read in the past, or saw on TV, and all the sudden I'm in those scenes, and not with the Duke.  BDSM, the Duke is always talking to me, keeping me with him, training my focus with each thing he does exerting his control.  And then I don't feel guilty after we're done, because I really was making love to only him the whole time.

So, another aspect of who we are.  I love vanilla love making, and I love BDSM love making.  Both are wonderful, but I do find I come move alive with the BDSM stuff, even if it’s just a plug or tying my hands.  Just getting into that submissive mindset for it, just being reminded that I'm his, and I need to submit.

The Duke's Deductions:
There is something thrilling or exciting about feeling that I can do whatever I want to Esmay. I can tie her wrists up, I can play with different parts of her body, I can cause her pain. I like the feeling that she is willing to give up control for these things to me, to make me happy or to give me pleasure. I think I feel like I have so little control in other parts of my life, that I like the control I have here.  I think I go through my day at work feeling like other people ignore me, that its good at times to have somebody who can't ignore me, who has to give me their attention. Again, I guess it's a feeling of power that I like.