Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Finally Found A Way To Connect

I've helped my friend collect sea glass for years, and usually we just get plain semi flat shards.  But on vacation last week, while out scouring with her, I stumbled upon this guy.  I'm guessing it's part of an ash try or something, but it kind of looked like a butt to me, lol, so I thought I'd share. :)

So the Duke and I have finally found something that works for us, as in we've tried it two days now. :P  And have set it for a goal.  It was the Duke's idea.  He came to me over the weekend while I was putting little one to bed, at almost eleven pm.  Yeah, you read that right, all the sudden little one is up until at least ten at night, though this was done in the past as well, but now it's making me super tired, and having no time for the Duke.  But now, no matter how tired I am, we are going to take at least ten minutes each night, aim for thirty, and spend it together.  The first thing we will do is go over the list of rules the Duke and I just put together.  Six rules, eating, cleaning, exercising, etc, but I think they're going to help a lot as we've basically been without rules for a while now.  The Duke says having an actual list he can check off every night will help him focus more... that's a good thing... right? :)

Pray for my bottom, I have a feeling with rules it might be more sore, more often.  Eeek!  Have I almost mentioned the Duke is SEXY when he has his HOH/DOM hat on tight? ;)  

Thursday, June 21, 2018

A Month Already?

I was going to try to write more often, and here it is, and I check the date of my last post, and it's a month to the day.  I've debated several times what to write about, and I'm not sure.  Things are going good.  I've gone full steam ahead in starting my novel, and reading some writing craft books to make sure I have an idea of what I'm doing when I have a few minutes to myself.

I PMSed this week, and I told the Duke I needed some alone time, and he didn't give it to me like he usually does.  Maybe because he was the person I was mad at this time.  He had bumped into a telephone pole, and it dented the car and popped one piece of the siding out of the car above the back wheel.  I didn't care about the dent, but I knew the plastic piece could easily be popped back in, I just didn't know how to do it.  So I called and booked the appointment, and then the Duke took the car in on Tuesday.  He told them it was making a scraping noise because of the dent, etc.  So... all they fixed was the scraping sound, and did nothing with the side panel to pop it back in.

The Duke comes back, I check the car, which he didn't before he left, and nothing was done to the outside of the car, the whole reason I'd booked the appointment.  I was D.O.N.E. DONE.  I take care of everything around here for quite a while now.  Everything.  All the house repairs, all the car repairs, all the finances, dealing with his parents and mine, everything to do with baby girl, everything.  The Duke has been stressed and so he's stepped back and I had to take it on, more and more to help him, and all the sudden I realized I was in charge of everything, and the only thing I asked him to do was make sure this piece of plastic got popped back in, and $57 later, it still wasn't done.  I made him take it back, and they then told him they didn't know how to do it, and to take it to an autobody shop.  They gave him a number.  Which he placed on top of our laundry hamper, and two days later, I still haven't touched it.  I just wonder how long it will take him.

Yet, after all this, and I finally had my hour (if you've been reading a while, you know I have this one hour every month where I feel CRAZY no matter how hard I try to calm down, and the Duke usually respects my need to be alone during this hour)  So after the hour, I calmed down and said I was now 40, and "the change" may come soon, and half heartedly suggested maybe I should move out for a few years while it happens.  Boy, did he EVER put his foot down.  I mean, he was almost mad at the suggestion.  I told him it might be best, especially if I was like that for a few years.  He got even more stern, and told me I would never be moving out, even for a brief time to save him from me.  Well, sometimes he can't find that darn HOH hat, and other times it's so firmly on his head, the change leaves me dizzy.  In the mean time I told him he has to stop expecting it's up to me to take care of everything.  He'll pick things up for a while, but it won't be long before he leaves everything up to me again, and I just can't do it anymore.  I'm hoping he'll see now how serious I am... I just don't know how to make him take on more responsibility and stick with it... I feel so... unsubmissive when this happens, and then I feel so... unsexy. 

He asked me the other day if I was not liking kissing him all the sudden.  How do I say I love him, but at the moment I had no energy to find him attractive while getting the roof replaced, the washer and dryer replaced, being really sick from sinus infection and really bad allergies, up all night every night with a child that has terrible gas all night long no matter how much I alter her diet, working every day, and not having a minute to myself until five minutes before bedtime.  I love him sooo much, and still find him attractive... but doing anything that shows it lately... I just seem to not have the get up and go like I used to have.  I used to not be able to keep my hands off this man.  Here's hoping we find a good balance soon.  His work is all the sudden getting less stressful, so really hoping that helps.

Things really are good in so many ways, don't get me wrong, we have been so blessed, I just feel we need to work on a shift as I'm just so tired.  Loving suggestions would be welcome. :)

Monday, May 21, 2018

Better This Week :)

You'll be glad, this post is pretty short. :)

Thank you, everyone, for writing last week.  You are an amazing group of people, and were just the encouragement that I needed.  Seriously, you know how to make a girl feel loved.

So, my birthday is this month, I hit the big 40.  EEEEEEK!  Which isn't that big a deal to me, except it marks the end of having children.  Having only one that lived, I had hoped to let them have siblings, but oh well.  I have many friends wand siblings with young children, and they often play together.  So I am blessed by that.

So, for my birthday, I had money given to me early, and I bought two things.  One is a set of writing books I've been drooling over.  I have been writing DD books since 2012, and never brave enough to actually publish any.  So, armed with writing advice from several blogs I've been reading, essays, and the like on how to be a good writer, and now armed with these new books, I'm trying to get a book I started in 2012 that was only half written, though the scenes mostly sketched out, ready for publishing.  It might totally suck, I don't know... but I'm going to try.  Freaking out nervous, it's a story I have day dreamt over and over for the past six years, and to put it out there for people to share in my daydream, is a bit scary.

The other thing I bought was some things at pinkcherry.ca. :)  They are having a 40% off sale, so I got about $90 in stuff for only $52 plus taxes.  I got one especially that I think the Duke will like, though he'll like them all.  :P  But there is one especially that I hope he'll like. :)

Other than that, things are going better.  The Duke and I will finally get a date this afternoon, haven't had one of those in a while.  I PMSed this weekend, and the Duke chased me into the kitchen when I was having a fit, and let me tell you, he wasn't putting up with it.  My hands were pinned, I was immobile, and he was literally in my face telling me to CALM DOWN.  And of course, as the timid, quiet, shy, obedient, submissive, and always compliant girl that you know me to be, I gave in without on little bit of resistance.  I did "not" get upset, or up in his face, or physically fight his hold on me until I saw how serious he was.  No, no, no, not me.  *whistling innocently*  Okay, so he had to help me calm down.  *SIGH*  But I'm glad he did, because when he does, when he cuts my monthly tantrum off at the knees, I have nothing to apologize for later.  I am so thankful he's stepping up and doing that for me again.  It makes me feel loved, and like I am worth his time.

So that is my week, aside from work and family stuff.  lol  How are you all this week?

Friday, May 11, 2018

Sorry, Sad Post

I'm still here... I've been hurt and emotional lately, and haven't known anything good to share, so I'll just be honest.  And you should know I am PMSing, exhausted, overwhelmed, and possibly getting the flu, so I'm sorry I sound so sad.

Life is hard right now, and no one thing makes it hard, but a lot of everything.
Please know I'm not trying to bash anyone in my home, just sharing what my life is like, and welcoming prayers if anyone wishes too.

I walk on egg shells all day.  One thing is that I can't just share how I think and feel.  I'm all the sudden VERY alone in a house full of people.  My Dad gets upset about things and he shares why he's upset, he teases like crazy, and is always quick to point out if I am wrong.  I am not allowed to do anything of these things.  If I do, I have a very cranky Dad.  My mom is in her room all day long, and then wants me to do things for her.  I'm not kidding, it's not rare for her not to come out for six weeks at a time except for the bathroom, which I often don't see, so I don't see her for weeks unless except for when she's yelling her head off for things she can do herself.  The Duke has always been hard to ask questions to, it comes from his mother always having ulterior motives in wanting to know what was going on in his life.  But I'm the one who pays for it.  So if I make a mistake and ask him a question, he either flips out, or tells me nothing is wrong, and then when he finally sees I'm upset after weeks and months of this, and we talk about it, he tells me that of course I can ask him things, only to have the same behaviour repeat the very next time for over 10 years now.  Things are still stressful at the Duke's work, and I spend at least three to five phone calls a day encouraging him, and I think he's getting depressed, but he won't seek help.   

Dad is always worried that I can't take care of myself because I have headaches, and I get that since Mom says she can't do a thing for herself because of them, but I can, and I refuse to let them rule me.  All three of them and my daughter need me to be emotionally strong for them, to encourage them left, right and center, and in return, no one is around encouraging me, or just letting me share.  I all the sudden feel very lonely.  I want one person to listen without it being used against me later.  If I share with the Duke that I need his help, he all the sudden thinks I'm the enemy, and I'm not sure where that is coming from. :(  And of course, asking him is a question, and so impossible. :(  He's a great man, please know that, just, I don't know what is going on with all the people in my life.

Don't get me wrong, Dad helps a lot with dishes and laundry, and will take our daughter once in a while if we can find date time, which with me working days, and the Duke working evenings and weekends, is rare.  The Duke also will take our daughter when he can, but mostly he's home at bedtime or later, and she doesn't go to bed before 10 or 11, trust me, I'm working on that like mad, and she won't budge.  So by the time she's asleep, I need to be asleep for work the next day.  I just, am exhausted, need some alone time, and with I could just talk to someone in my household about anything on my heart.  :( 

And in crisis mode, I feel so alone.  Like today, my daughter said her belly hurt, I knew she was going to throw up, Dad was in talking to us, I was trying to get him out of the room quickly, but he moved so slowly to stay right with her.  I needed to get a towel, and he wouldn't move.  So I finally had to go to her room to grab one from there instead of the bathroom which was only 3 feet away because he wouldn't move from in front of the door once we got there.  So then she threw up on my carpeted hallway, and not into the toilet bowl which I could have gotten her to in time had I been allowed to move.  I was so frustrated.  I mean, come on, think.  The Duke is the exact same way in a crisis.  Are all men like this?

I do want to write here, but I don't know what about right now.  Life is just spinning out of control, and I fall into bed exhausted every night with so much that didn't get done, and I'm not even taking on anything extracurricular right now.  This is stuff around the house, for my family, and for my job that have to be done.  I get to church on Sundays, and that's it right now. :(  My friend has offered to kidnap me for yard saling a few hours many Saturdays over the summer, and I'm going to try to find a way to go, just to get out of my house.

So I'm sorry for the depressing post, but wanted to explain why I haven't been writing.  I'll try to get back to it soon, once I can find more of a balance.  You all mean so much to me, thank you for following along.

Sunday, April 08, 2018

Shifting Pride

Tonight is the Wrestlemania.  The Duke doesn't watch other sports, though sorry to any fans, I'm not sure I can call WWE sports. :P  So he and a friend get together once a week to watch on Tuesday nights, and then special events once a month, usually on Sundays.

Tonight is the biggest night of the year.  I wanted to make it special for him, and he absolutely loves the Spinach and Cheese Dip I make.  It's a bit of money, but I wanted to spoil him.  Now, something like that, I'd used to usually only make if I really wanted to impress someone.  But my focus is changing lately.  I knew the Duke would like to have some, so today I made two.  They're now waiting to go into the oven later tonight.  The men have pizza for now. :)

Before we got stronger in DD, and even in the early days of DD before my respect really got to be formed, I would have still made the dip, but so that I would look good to our company, I am ashamed to say.  Tonight I made it for the Duke, and the Duke alone.  There wasn't a thought at all if the friend would like it or not.  I was surprised that I honestly don't care if his friend has any.  The Duke may never notice the difference, but my heart does. :)

We talked last night about starting a weekly maintenance again, wish my poor bottom well. :P

Saturday, April 07, 2018

What I Want, What I REALLY Need

I know why I can be confusing to the Duke. I'm a constant war, two sides of me constantly fighting, even I get dizzy from it at times. I sometimes really make him question his ability to lead.  Tonight even. So I've sat here thinking about how I seem to send mixed signals at times...and how can I do or say something one time, and the exact opposite another, and yet both feel so much like who I am. I think I'm starting to figure it out, I think it's the difference between want and need. I don't like this about myself, and I've been working on it a bit in some areas, still not being able to put my finger on it before tonight, but I think seeing tonight how much I am at war with myself is really going to help me clarify how I want to act and feel.

My wants and my needs, and you will see how they seldom agree.

In making this list, I felt I remembered a similar post from someone before? So even though what I write here is from my head, the idea might be from a memory. :)  I found it, it's on God's Gift To Him Blog from 2010. :)

I wrote out like 30-40 wants/needs, but didn't want you having to read all night, so I tried to get it down to about 15-20, and some got combined as well. :)

I want to obey when I feel submissive and healthy and when it suits me
I need him to demand my obedience and submission at all times in all ways

I want to have freedom to test the limits, to decide some of the rules
I need him to remind me that showing him respect means obeying what he decides

I want to feel safe and cherished and comfortable
I need him to sometimes push past my limits for my own good

I want to hide from him, ashamed of my body
I need him to demand my nakedness, even when embarrassing, and to reassure he loves all of me

I want to run away when we fight, I want time alone to fester, time to focus on my hurt
I really need him to keep me with him, or go after me, and not let me build up walls and fears

I want to remain strong, and keep some independence
I need him to demand I let go, let my little out, my fears out, and my longings out and FULLY depend on him

I want to hide when I'm embarrassed
I need him to expose all of me so that I am utterly vulnerable to him

I want to nurse my hurts and fears alone
I need him to make me share everything so that I have nothing to hide

I want to be able to scream my head off during the rare times I'm hormonal
I need to have him step up and tell me that's enough, and to end it if need be

I want to give excuses for why I don't get things done
I need him to hold me accountable

I want him when I'm aroused
I need him to remind me that my body is his and that he's allowed to use me when and how he wants, even in the middle of the night

I want to hide from him how often I'm aroused at times, especially if I feel he isn't
I need him to keep his rule that I must always tell him because it humbles me to have to be so honest, which usually gets him in the mood if he wasn't before ;)

I want to talk him out of some of the rules
I need him to step up and tell me I will be following the rules, or else, and follow through

I want to decide when spankings happen, and how hard, how long, and for what reasons
I need him to decide, I need him to make me trust he won't hurt me, and not turn back if I make excuses

I want to self bash and tell myself how horribly I'm doing
I need him to stop me from hurting myself, and dragging myself to a dark place, to show me how special I am and force me to see the good

This list could go on all day, and I did cut it in half.

I'm such a walking contradiction.

Err... I mean, I don't know why the Duke is so confused. It's not like I'm inconsistent as a woman. :P None of you struggle with your needs vs your wants... do you? :P Of course not, we're all too perfect to have such an obvious flaw! *WHISTLING WAY TOO INNOCENTLY* Way too perfect. :P

The Duke's Deductions:
Thank you for writing this Esmay. This list is really good. I think it is encouraging for me to have this to look at. My natural instincts are oftentimes to think that Esmay is going through a hard time right now or is not feeling well so I should let things go or go easier, Or I think that I don't want to hurt Esmay's feelings, when really she needs me in that moment. So yes, its good to know that in those moments I can still push forward and push Esmay in that way. It is funny how sometimes the best thing you can do in a situation can be to do something that can hurt in the short term but overall can help the most in the longterm.

Thursday, April 05, 2018

A Little Bit Of Everything - Closing Thoughts

This is post 5 of 5. :)

First of all, thank you guys soooo much for how supportive you were in my last post.  I can't tell you how much it's helped me.  I feel freer to try now, freer to be me.  I know I will probably still struggle, but it helps not feeling alone.  You are wonderful people. :) 

And sorry it took so long to get this out, I've had it typed for weeks, but got sick again this week.  Is cold and flu season over soon??? :)

So, in conclusion, we are many things, and maybe even more things than we've shared in the past four posts.

Domestic Discipline (DD)
Dominance/Submission (D/s)
Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism (BDSM)
Little - But Not Age Play

I write mostly about DD, but am finding the more I settle into myself and can be honest with myself about what I like and don't like, and about what I want and don't want, I'm finding things about myself that I never knew, or have been learning along the way bit by bit.  And the more I learn, and the more I seek inside myself, the more happy the Duke seems to be with the changes.  Changes I thought would have him running for the hills when we first started on this journey over five years ago.

He gets turned on so quickly now.  He is so quick to use my body for his pleasure, and yet at the same time, he gives more pleasure than he takes.  He also uses my body in ways I used to hate, and now love.  Nothing that hurt me mind you, just ways of pleasure I used to not like, but now I love, and now he tells me how proud of me he is for being willing to try.

He guides me in ways I always dreamed of, like being told when to go to bed, being told when to sit down because I'm so exhausted and wished someone would just see how much I need help.  He even steps in and takes over decisions I wish I didn't have to make.  As some of you may recall, I had a sister that was saying very hurtful things to me a year and a half ago.  I kept putting up with it in love, crying my eyes out over and over again because her words hurt so much.  Finally the Duke put his foot down and said I couldn't talk to her anymore.  What a relief.  The choice was no longer mine.  He was protecting me, and I could rest in knowing the abuse was ending because the Duke was putting an end to our communication until she could treat me kindly again.  She is in our lives again, but the Duke is very cautious, and could take that away again at any time, and it's great to know I don't get to decide, he'll take care of it for me if it needs to be.

So... some things about me that make me who I am, and make us who we are.  A collage of many things, and still, as I keep learning, there will probably be more, and I'm loving every minute in the discovery.  What makes it more beautiful is that like I said, the Duke is loving every minute as well.  I don't know if I am like any other woman out there, and that is the simply beautiful thing about TTWD.  Picking and choosing what works for you, what makes you tick, what makes you crave, what makes you feel complete.  It's different for every person.  I love being unique.  Sometimes I fear that, but then I look at the Duke, who is so utterly fulfilled and loving in our marriage, and I know I'm doing something right.  He never looks at another woman.  Not in real life, not in a magazine, not on TV.  I can't wait to keep finding the things that make him happy and keep his attention.  He says it best when he says there is no reason to go looking elsewhere when I keep him so happy at home. :)  Those words just make my heart swell.

(This is not to send judgement to any marriages where the husband's eyes may stray, and that doesn't mean you haven't given your all.  And if that is your story, I am so sorry.)  {{{HUGS}}}

The Duke's Deductions:

I just want to say that Esmay has been very patient with me over our marriage. There has been lots of times where I have been tired, I have been selfish, I have been uncaring, or stubborn. And she keeps giving, keeps putting herself into this relationship, and keeps believing it can be better. So I am very thankful for that. I was immature when we got married, and in many ways basically acted like a kid, and in many ways there are still ways I need to grow up more, but we are going through this together. I feel like her submission since we started TTWD has really grown, and she has really learned to accept my leading in that area. As a result of her submission, I believe I have grown in my confidence and in feeling more secure in our marriage. I think early on in DD I was a lot less confident and so was more anxious about whether I was doing DD correctly or whether I was messing DD up, and so was not as comfortable as I am now with it. Due to her being submissive, I can now look at her and see that I can do what I want with her and that she is willing to listen to me. 

EsMay again - Sometimes he just makes me laugh.  Everything so sweet, and then that last line, like he's some kind of animal. ;)  LOL  But there is much truth in it too. :)  The beauty is in the fact that often what he wants to do with me is just to take care of me... or... well, ravage me. :P  Love this man of mine. :)