A Gut Wrenching Confession

So... since I've been confessing all sorts of things this past month... I might as well admit a secret that I shared a bit back when I started this blog, but not sure I've shared since...

This post is heavy, and a bit long, so ending it with a single paragraph funny story so you don't walk away totally depressed. :P

This won't sound DD at first, but I'll show you in the end how it helps me. 

I suffer from PMDD, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.  Oh boy, even typing it makes me cry... because right now I'm in the middle of it.  A friend shared on Facebook this month about her struggle, and it helped me sooo much, that I felt maybe, just maybe, if anyone else out there suffers, I can help you by making you feel less alone.  So, in case I can, here I step out of my safe little box, looking around frantically, waiting for attack, but finding you worth braving the outside world for.  Please know, this post is not to gather sympathy, please don't feel sorry for me.  We get through, and make it work. :)

If you don't know what PMDD is, it's like PMS on steroids.

Here is something horrible, the Duke knows I've struggled with it, but it wasn't until my friend admitted how bad hers was last week, that I could admit to the Duke how bad mine is.  Mostly because I couldn't find the words to explain it to him, and I didn't realize some of the things I struggle with during my cycle are related to the PMDD, and not just random things.  My friend shared a lot of info that was eye opening to me.

Here is the list of symptoms I found online today.  I put a * for ones I deal with, ** besides ones that I find really hard but can manage, and **** beside the ones that are quite severe and no matter what I do, I can't control them on my own.
*  Mood swings
****  Depression or feelings of hopelessness
****  Intense anger and conflict with other people (anger is usually quick, thank goodness, and I tend to hide away then so conflict is rare)
**  Tension, anxiety, and irritability
*  Decreased interest in usual activities
**  Difficulty concentrating
**  Fatigue
*  Change in appetite
**** Feeling out of control
**** Sleep problems (as in some nights I don't sleep at all, not a second)
**** Headaches
Joint or muscle pain
Hot flashes

So what does PMDD look like for me?  I don't get suicidal, though some do.  But, I have prayed very strongly that God take me from this earth at times, and over the stupidest things.  Like, tonight.  Earlier, my daughter wanted to buy a game on google play.  Okay, no biggie, I had a bad headache already, and I've only ever bought a google play game once, but I'm a capable woman, I can make an internet purchase.  Seven attempts later because the screen kept resetting half way through, my blood is boiling, I'm near tears, the tablet hates me.  It doesn't matter that it is an inanimate object, it hates me, and that feeling is very real in that moment.  I'm shaking, the anger boils over.  I keep trying, the Duke looks at me and tells me to calm down as I'm hitting the buttons harder and harder.  I try.  I'm breathing in and out, telling myself I can control this.  A dozen attempts and I want to snap the tablet in half.  Why won't it just work???  The screen turns in wavy colours as I fight to not actually break it to pieces.  I want to hit something.  I look at my innocent daughter, and my sweet husband who still has no idea what I'm feeling inside and tell myself to not let the beast go.  But it's smothering me.  I'm literally fighting for my breath at this point.  I finally get in to buy the game, but now it wants a different account and a different password, and it won't let me do it.  Attempt after failed attempt.  I finally have to get another device, and do work from there to be able to get my password to work where I'm trying to buy the game.  It makes me reset the password, and then won't take the password I always use because that is the last one I had... if it was, why wouldn't it take it?  Then I want to remove my payment option from google play afterwards so she can't buy games without my knowledge.  But I can't.  It keeps taking me to the wrong email account.  Again and again.  Finally I close all other emails and get into the right email account.  But then it tells me I have no payment information, and no buying history.  Of course it does because I just bought the game and used my card on it.  I pinched the device so hard I actually hurt my thumb as the screen again goes into a wave of colours from the pressure.  I look at the Duke, and my daughter again.  I'm dying inside, and I can't show them.  I can't let them see the beast, because it'll rip them apart.  I finally get it all sorted after several more attempts, needing to reset some internet stuff first.  This lasts all of five minutes.  Five little, seemingly insignificant minutes. The Duke had to tell me 2-3 times to calm down during it, but other than that, I look normal.

As I hand the device to my daughter, she is filled with glee.  The Duke looks at me, and smiles, and tells me how proud of me he is.  How calm I stayed.  How much better I was doing with reigning in my temper.  (it only comes out with PMDD)

And I broke down.  My elbows landed hard on the edges of the keyboard to my laptop, and my head fell into my palms, and I bawled.  I told him I was anything but calm.  I told him I felt totally out of control, and completely defeated by it all.  That even though it was stupid, even in my own ears, that at the moment I felt there was someone or something behind the tablet that hated me.  That it was trying to ruin my life.  I said that at that very moment I wanted God to take me, it was so overwhelming.  I felt nothing but despair and like that tablet had ruined my life.  Trust me, even while going through it, I could hear how pathetic those words were.  I could see how stupid I was being, but in that moment, those feelings were very real.  My friend described it perfectly.  It's like watching a movie, and you yell at the character who's about to do something ridiculous.  "Don't do it, that's stupid, get a grip!"  And it's like you're yelling all this at yourself, and watching in horror as you don't listen, as you act in a way you are telling yourself not to.  It's a very detached and overwhelming feeling.

DD has helped sooo much.  On my own, I can't stop any of this.  I have tried, tried until I was a bawling mess, and still, I felt so lost, out of control, the anger demanded release in very bad ways and wouldn't stop, even for days, until I let it out.  The Duke has learned my warning signs and steps in, and somehow he can make it so that I don't explode.  He gives me a sharp order "EsMay, I need you to calm down.  I mean it, calm down, right now."  The anger is still there, but somehow he gives me the strength to not let it let me say things I'll regret, or hurt myself by mistake by punching something I shouldn't.  And he'll get stern enough so that I cry, and that is when the anger breaks.  Thank goodness.  He makes me not feel alone in the sea of craziness and that helps so much.  He already knew, besides the anger, that I'm more insecure, I'm more easily hurt by people's words, and fears that usually don't plague me can be very big during this time, and normal situations can be scary.  So he wasn't totally in the dark.

It's been an hour now since the password fiasco, and I'm fine.  I'm me again.  This can last anywhere from an hour, to off and on for a few days.  But right now, I am calm.  The beast has passed, and all is right with my world again.  It might be the last time this time, but it can last off and on for up to 3 or 4 days.  The feeling lost and out of control, and not able to sleep, can be constant for those days as well.  I also suffer PCOS, as sucky as it can be, and how hard it made getting my son (it will be 8 years next week, can you believe it?) and my daughter, the good thing is that I only have a cycle 3-6 times a year usually.  I can be put on very strong medication to help, but because it happens only a few times a year, so like only 6-15 days a year I'm guessing, and I don't get suicidal, we have decided against it.  If I did take it, I'd have to be on the medication every single day, all year long, with side effects, and it just didn't seem worth it.

Normally I'm very calm, and gentle, but PMDD changes all that in a heart beat.  And after I shared everything I could think of with the Duke, and waited for the look of "My goodness, she really is crazy," he looked back at me with eyes full of love and pain, and thanked me for telling him.  I cried, so hard.  It's so emotionally exhausting to have these episodes.  I feel so lost, like the world is against me, and scared.  And to have him be there for me, to finally be able to voice it all in a way I felt he might understand...  I am so thankful my friend shared so that I could figure out how I could share.

So, I'm leaving this post feeling as vulnerable as I did in my last, but I really felt I should share.  I feel an amazing oneness with the Duke, I can finally give him a glimpse, he said he's so thankful for that.  I never thought he'd be thankful.  I am sorry if I lose anyone's respect, if I could change this, I would.  I am sorry if I lose any readers, I have loved sharing with you.  But, since I'm being so raw and open lately... well, this is another part of me.  I just wanted to share that you aren't alone if you too suffer.  Whether yours is less or more severe than mine, you aren't alone.

I think this is my last surprise for you all for a while. :) lol

Let's end this post on a funny note.  A chance for you to laugh at my expense. :P

If you read my last post, you know I shared a very personal moment with the Duke while he helped me with a health issue.  Well, imagine my surprise when the next day my Dad comes down the hall and tells me the toilet had a good cleaning out.  I looked at him, confused.  I asked what he meant.  He told me it had a couple enema's go down it.  I panicked.  People, I couldn't breathe.  How the freak had he found out!?!?!  The Duke did everything he could to protect my privacy while helping me with my health issue.  Thankfully my Dad took my silence as a reason to explain.  I guess with the Colitis my mother has, she has to have these little one or two cup enema packs on hand to use when she has flare ups.  He showed me the three boxes.  He said they'd expired and he'd emptied them into the toilet.  He laughed and went on his way to throw out the boxes.  It took me over half an hour not to feel like I was going to throw up, it had scared me that much.  And the day after I share with you guys about our weekend!  What are the odds?????  360 other days of the year he could have shared that with me and I wouldn't have thought a thing about it.  Augh.  And, I promise, I couldn't make this up, this really did happen.  I told the Duke when he got home.  He, of course, thought it was funny.  lol  And I do now.  I DID NOT then. lol

I hope you have a good night, or day for my friends on the other side. :)

When He Takes Care Of Me

Man, this man loves me.  He really loves me. 

After the personal post last week, I feel this post about something else very personal is way too soon, as my blog is usually pretty tame and I don't want to scare you guys away.  I will not be doing these posts often, I promise... but, the Duke says, quite determinedly I must say, he wants me to write this post because he believes it might help other women out there, and it will help me to process.  (Adding this after finishing the post, it really helped to write it out.  I really do hope you will read, despite my begging you not to in a minute, lol)

Let me say before I start, I will be sharing NOTHING descriptive in this post at all.  What I will be sharing is the dynamic that happened because of it. Let me also say, this is embarrassing to share, so please, feel free to skip over! :) :) :)  I told the Duke I would post because he told me I had to, I didn't say you guys would actually read it. :) :) :)   So trust me, nothing more to read here. :P  Nothing at all. ;)  Just a bunch of gibberish down below. 

Wait.  You're still reading?  What?  You've never known me to lie, and you're wondering why I am now?  Eeek, okay, okay, you caught me.  *GULP*  Here goes...

The Duke loves me.  Sometimes he doesn't always show it well, but he loves me, a lot.  Before Christmas, the acid reflux I struggle with at times reared it's ugly head when I had pork ribs.  I thought just having them once would be no big deal.  But it was bad, really bad, and set off a chain of events where I have been bloated since then, and not able to each much.  I lost 12 pounds in two weeks, and even though I can stand to lose the weight, that's a bit fast.  The pain was keeping me up at nights, and the Duke was done with it.  My medicine, plus over the counter, plus tums was not helping, diet, exercise and less stress was not helping.

We had a date yesterday, and the Duke said we'd be staying home for it and hanging out in our bedroom.  I jumped into bed, all ready for whatever fun he had planned.  Whether it be a spanking, to have his way with me, ;) or just watch a movie on MY new TV.  Yes, I am now the owner of my VERY OWN TV. :) 

Then he climbed in beside me, looked straight ahead, and delivered the shocking news.  He was going to give me a cleaning out. (Remember, NO details will be shared)  I was shocked, scared, was he kidding?  He had to be kidding.  We didn't do that.  That was a kink we'd never talked about.  So we couldn't do it.  Right?  Nope, he'd looked into it, and it would probably help the acid reflux.  What?  NO! 

Still, when I saw how serious he was, I let him, reluctantly.  I was embarrassed, feeling small, feeling embarrassed, feeling vulnerable.  Did I mention embarrassed?  But, he took very good care of making sure I knew he had me, and that he was just trying to take care of me.  After everything was done, I looked it up online.  Darn friggin tootin google, he was right, it could help acid reflux.  If ever there was a time when information shouldn't be so readily available. 

He came back after cleaning up and held me and told me how proud he was of me.  He told me that I didn't fight him once, and he was very proud of how well I obeyed.  Wait, I didn't fight?  Wow, I didn't.  I hadn't wanted to do it, I had wanted a real date, I wanted my body left to my own devices.  I drug my feet a time or two, but I obeyed his every command.  Why?  Where was my fight?  Where was my voice that said no?  I don't know.  Have I gotten to a better place in my submission?  Was it his determination?  The look on his face that said he was more serious with this command than he ever was before?  I don't know.  I just don't know.  We had a nice loving time afterwards before it was time to go back to our family, back to reality.

I spent last night blushing every time I thought of it, going to him for lots of extra hugs, and emailing about it with two blog friends.  I can't thank them enough.  The Duke was so happy.  I couldn't figure out why.  So I asked.  He said I looked and acted so submissive, he loved that.  That, and because I couldn't do as much as I was supposed to be able to, he was going to make do another one today.  What???

Today I was more embarrassed for some reason.  I was nervous, but the Duke was so patient with me and kept telling me how good I was doing and how proud he was of me.  I kept hiding my face.  Finally, he wasn't having it anymore.  "I want to take care of you.  Don't hide from me."  He pulled my hands down.  I scrunched up my eyes.  "Open your eyes, I don't want you to hide from me.  Do you trust me?  I am only doing this because I want to take care of you."  I looked away several times, forcing myself to look back, but not able to keep eye contact long.  Finally, he put his hands on the sides of my face.  "Don't hide from me.  Do you trust me?"  Yes, yes I did, it just was so hard.  I had to force myself to look, force myself with every bit of strength I had as the rest of my entire body wanted to cave in on itself and pretend nothing was happening to it.  I looked into his eyes, and he held my gaze for several LOOOOOOOOOONG minutes.

After everything was done, the Duke was turned on.  The brat. :P
I offered to please him.
Do we have time? I look at the clock, we had 8 minutes until Dad said he'd look after our daughter for us.
Of course we do.  I demand you go quickly.
Deep chuckle.  Yeah right.
I'm the boss.
No, you're not.  
3 minutes later.  I look at him smugly. 
Told you you'd obey me.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, that's not fair.  I am not obeying you.
Sure looks like it to me.
Hehehe, I'm never bratty, look what he unleashed!

And, the acid reflux is almost gone, the bloating is gone, and surprisingly the constant headache I fight is a lot less.  Darn tootin google.  He asked me to tell him how I felt, demanded I tell him, and I had to tell him it helped.  Augh.  The Duke refuses to promise to never do it again.  He says he's going to help me from now on if he thinks I need it.... and so, I tell myself, he loves me, he's just trying to take care of me.  *GULP*  I used to hate when he ignored me... isn't there a balance in the middle???  And yet, I feel so loved, so cared for, so happy, why am I happy after all that?  I feel free, and safe, and giddy.  Giddy?  Frig.  He made me feel so special despite it all, I don't know how he did it, but I am some submissive goo right now.  He really was just trying to take care of me, and in the middle of the not wanting to, and the embarrassment is this super soft feeling that he put his foot down, and took care of me, no matter what, because he believed it was best for me... and darn it, if that doesn't make me feel safe and good.

The Duke's Deductions: 
I am so proud of EsMay for being able to take this and being so obedient. I knew this week was hard on our relationship because of other stress, and I wanted to do something during our date that would not just be something fun but would be something that would help her and make her feel cared for and loved by me. I also felt bad that she had been having such trouble eating and sleeping for over a month now and wanted to find some way to help her. I really thought this would help. It has only been 2 so far and so she may need some more, but I really hope she will be able to eat and sleep more normally now. I love her so much.

The Critique On My Writing

The critique came out today. :)  It wasn't the blog author, like I hoped, but still, it's great to get a review from an editor. :)  The only reason I hoped for the blog author is because I've read some of her books, they have helped me A LOT, and we've emailed back and for a few times.  She's really nice and helpful.

I liked getting the feedback.  Most of the edits I really liked, and will be correcting them in my draft.  There were just a few sentences that she suggested I reword that I actually didn't like how she reworked them, so I'll have to think on those, but the rest I liked.  She talks about needing to know where they are, I describe the setting a few paragraphs before what I shared.  And needing to know what they are wearing, in the middle of this scene in my actual draft, I share what the guy is wearing, and the very next line after what I submitted I describe what she is wearing.  With only being able to submit 250 words, I couldn't fit all she suggested into it and keep it that short, so I cut parts out to submit. :) I mostly wanted feedback on their interaction.  She also mentioned that any man would notice the sex toys, but in the draft I've done, she's lied to him a few times already, and he calls her out on them, so her talking about three billion men has to do with how observant he is to her lies, not the sex toys, which in my novel is actually spanking implements. :P  I didn't think saying spanking implements would go over well on a normal blog. lol

Anyway, here is the link.  It's actually three pieces of a scene that I cut out and pieced together to fit the word limit, so more is going on in the actual book I'm writing.  If I could have submitted a thousand words, I could have got it all in, but that's okay.  :)  Either way I am very grateful for the review, the time she took to look it over, and will be making several corrections according to her suggestions. :)

http://blog.janicehardy.com/2019/01/real-life-diagnostics-can-you-feel-any.html

In this scene, the heroine is moving, and the hero is helping.  It's a first meet, he was brought to help by one of her friends who is inside the house in this scene.  She forgot about her box of implements, and tries to move them to her car without getting caught.  But she trips, and the box rolls down the stairs, popping it's lid, and dumping all the items to the ground, and this guy sees them.

The editor says the question before is important, but I didn't share it in the submission.  I didn't know how else to reword "You liked being spanked?" to make it work for sex toys instead of implements without it sounding graphic. lol

So now I have her notes on what to edit, and hopefully it will help me with the rest of my book. :)

The blog author, not the one who did the review, is Janice Hardy.  If you're looking to learn about writing your own book, her book "Understanding Show, Don't Tell" is AMAZING.  So many examples, and she breaks everything down so that even I, who just couldn't seem to get the difference between showing and telling, understood it in the end.  It was the first time I wrote her, to thank her for making me finally understand. :)  I looked at several books and blogs about show vs tell, this is the absolute best one by far.  The others don't come close, at all.  Her "Understanding Conflict" book is great too.  Was harder for me to get through, because she packs in so much useful information.  My brain was fried by the end. lol  In a good way. :)  Ended up with 40 pages of notes, there just was so much useful information.

Throw - A Duke Post - Beautiful Tears

This is my absolute favourite Duke post.  He used to post from time to time, and I think I should ask him if he'd like to do it again sometime. :)  This one was written February 24, 2014.

Beautiful Tears - By The Duke

Good evening, everyone.

I wanted to write a post tonight about tears. Tears can often be the end result of a spanking. Spankings are a painful thing I am assured, but these tears that come with correction are not necessarily only about pain. I find the tears that come with a spanking beautiful. Does this make me sadistic? I don't believe that is the primary reason I find them beautiful. I am not looking to hurt my mate for the purpose of pain itself; it is part of the disciplinary process. No, the reason tears at the end of a spanking can be beautiful is because of what they represent. 

Tears at the end of a spanking are beautiful because they show the beauty of what is going on in the heart. Sometimes before a spanking, a sub may be bratty, they may be acting selfish, cold, indignant, or what have you, perhaps not all the time, but that can be the case. As the HoH, it is your job to discipline them; to correct their behaviour. This involves spanking, this involves lecture, and this may very well involve other disciplinary practices. However, this is about more than correcting the behavior, this is about changing the patterns that led to the behavior in question. This is about changing their heart.

Before the spanking, before the discipline has been administered, it is possible that the sub may have an attitude of rebellion towards her husband, not all the time you understand. As mentioned, she very well may have for whatever reason felt the need to break a rule or do something against what she and her husband both agreed on. However, as the discipline proceeds, as the lecture and the spanking are administered, something changes inside the wife. I really feel like the tears are a symptom of this change. The heart has been broken ever so slightly, and made stronger than before. The wife has had a change and become more submissive. The tears rolling down her cheeks are the tears of surrender to her husband. She has given up her need for control at this point, and the control has passed to the husband. At this point, I am realizing I am back in control of the situation, and in control of the marriage. This is why I find tears beautiful in a spanking, because they are showing the beautiful process that is going on behind the scenes. You may disagree with this, but I thought it would provide food for thought.

A Funny Story & My Writing

Hello everyone.  I'm hoping I didn't traumatize anyone with my post yesterday. :)  I hope you'll accept my apologies if I did. :)

So, a funny story.  It's funny how the things that change in your life, spill out into other areas, whether we mean them to or not.  We find this the more we live our dynamic.  Like, something as innocent as letting our daughter play with my electronic scalp and face massager.  She kept putting it on the soles of her feet, and she would giggle so cutely, that I called the Duke in to see how adorable it was.  I almost yelled out for him to see what she was doing with the vibrator!!! lol  I caught myself, realizing my mistake before the words came out and my parents heard.  Thank goodness. lol  But when the Duke came in, he said (quietly thankfully) "She really likes that vibrator.  Um, stimulator, um?"  And I had to laugh and remind him that it was called a massager!!!  HAHAHAHAHAHA  Sooo funny.  And that we both thought it.  Oh the way our dynamic spills over.  lol!

Now, I never thought I'd say this, but you guys have to stop visiting my blog. :P  The Duke looked and saw I'm getting about 4.5k hits a month and said he should spank me for every hit.  Never before have I hoped people wouldn't read. EEK!!!  lol  Okay, seriously, just kidding.  Please keep reading. :) He wouldn't really follow through on the threat, thank goodness, or else I'd never be able to bear sitting down on my poor bottom to write another post again!  lol  He was just teasing. :)

Now, before I share this next snippet, please know I never intend to turn this into a Writing Blog. :)  If I ever get published and do one, it will be separate.  Though I may share a post or two with you here if I get my first book published. :) :) 

Last year I shared here that I was writing a book.  But as I wrote, I realized how much I didn't know.  So, I took 7 months to do 8 book studies/courses on the writing craft.  During that time I kept working on my book and into the second book.  At the beginning of January I started my final edit.  Which is taking longer than I thought because I have learned so much, and have to change so much and it may end up being a before final edit, edit, lol  One writing blog of an author/editor I really like does a segment on her blog where she will review/critique a 250 word snippet of your book for you in a post.  On Saturday, I got an email saying she picked mine for this coming weekend!!!  250 words may not seem like a lot, but the feedback from professionals will be so welcome, as other editors join her at times, and others review in the comments.  The scene is to do with spanking tools, but I changed it to sex toys to make it a bit more socially acceptable, but in the book it will most definitely be spanking tools. :)  If the review doesn't freak me out tooooo much, I'll share it with you all.  :)  If they rip me apart and say never write another thing again, I will probably pretend it didn't happen.  Just kidding, I have shared with three people the first scene, and one person a couple scenes, and they really liked them. :)  But hopefully the editor(s) can give me some advice where I'm lacking, even from a short snippet.  I hope to have my book done in the next 6 weeks, but with how much I have to rewrite scenes, it may take a bit longer.  Still, I'm making really good progress. :)  And as I said, I will not make this a writing blog, I promise. :)

An "Oral" Question From Another Blog

I haven't been able to get around to blogs, but one stuck out to me today.

cunnilingus - dominant or submissive?

Of course, the title drew me in, and I had to see what he had to say. :)

He shared a story about a woman who was the head of her relationship, and how she would get her man to give her oral as an act of submission.  But he himself didn't feel giving oral was submissive.  He uses oral on his wife as an act of dominance.  He says in the post about oral "in that activity the pleasure giver is the one in control..."  and he also says "Personally I love that feeling of power and control that to me is greater than of the one receiving it. They are the passive ones."  And he wanted to know how we felt about it.  Click the link above if you would like to see the whole post. :) 

I really loved this post, and how it made me think.  It got me to think on our relationship, and how this plays out for us, something I'm not sure I have really stopped to do before.  At least not to the depth I did while replying.  Another reason blog land is so great for our relationships, that it makes us consider things about our relationships we might never have thought about before. :)

So, for his thoughts on oral, of who is submissive and who is dominant in the act, I guess I believe both the couple he wrote about, and his thoughts, that they are both right. :)  Here is what I wrote for a comment.  If you're not into reading about oral, I don't get graphic, or name parts down there, but it is a post talking about oral, just to warn you in case you want to abandon ship for now and rejoin in the next post. :)  As you know, I don't usually do posts like this, but it does have me thinking, and I hope you guys don't mind the change for today. :)

Here is how I replied to that post:

I guess it all depends on who's deciding. :)

In our relationship, I am the submissive. I am overly sensitive down there, so I actually would rather not do this, it's too much. But, my husband decides when we will, and won't do it. He decides for how long, if he will suck, lick, blow, etc. I have no control. To help emphasize this, he will often hold my legs down so that I can't fight, I can't turn away. I am there, and he will do with me what he wants, and I have no power to stop him. My words of begging are often ignored. He decides when I will orgasm, I am not to go before, and I'm to go when he says. He decides how many I will have, no matter if I say I'm done or not.

But, I give him oral as well. Flip the roles since I am female and he is male for the couple you are thinking about. But in my giving him oral, he is still VERY much in charge. He tells me how deep to take him. He tells me if he wants me to go slower or faster, suck harder, to use my teeth or keep them tucked away. He is giving me instructions every step of the way. And recently he holds my neck or fists my hair close to the scalp to keep me in place, he used to just hold my head. I feel even more of his dominance now.

Because of all of this, both are very submissive for me, but giving oral is actually more submissive because it's my head, and his hands are on my head, and he's controlling my head and so controlling me. I feel more owned when he does things with my head than other parts of me for some reason... maybe because it's so close to the brain? Also, he's talking to me, where he can't much when he's giving oral to me. With the words, he's way more in my head. Telling me how things are, how I will do things, how he controls what happens to him because he owns the body that is bringing him pleasure. I'm called his good girl, told yes, I'm doing it right, or to move or do more of this or that. He controls the whole thing, and I just obey every command to his satisfaction.

Anyway... just my thoughts. :)

I never thought to share in the comment on the blog that sometimes I hang over the side of the bed, and that definitely isn't me being in charge.  He doesn't have to give me many orders because he's pushing into me any way he wants.  *blush*

What do you guys think?  If you do oral, which do you find is true in your relationship?  I think every act probably has the potential for dominance or submission for both parties, it just depends on who's leading and who is following.

The Fear Of Losing And Going Deeper

As many of you know, the Duke has a weird rule for me.  If I'm turned on... aka so horny I can barely focus on anything else... I need to tell the Duke, regardless of the time of day.  This is mostly because it will keep me up at night if it's not dealt with, literally, not a second of sleep will happen.  I hate and love it.  Well, 3am, and I couldn't sleep because of it, so I go and tell the Duke.  He takes care of me... a few times. *blush*  And then asks me to go down on him.  For the first time ever, I had to say I couldn't swallow.  I had a horrible headache, one that made me really nauseated, and I was afraid I might throw up on him.  I barely ate the whole day because of it.  So, I asked if that was okay, and he understood. (The Duke said I should add some comments about how I love and am so overly obsessed with that part of him when giving oral, but I want you all to still talk to me afterwards, so I will be a bad little subbie and not write his horrifically graphic, joking comments. lol  They were sooooo naughty!  lol)

During it, for the first time ever, he grabbed my hair in his fist, and kept me close to him while I took him as deep as my upset stomach would allow.  He guided me, he controlled me, he gave me very little room to move how I wished.  I was his, and he was making sure I didn't question that.  And yet, as firm as that hand was, he was using the other hand to stroke my head like a gentle caress.

Um, when did having your hair pulled and grabbed become so sexy?  I mean, I've seen it written in books, it always seems hot, but nothing prepared me.  It was wonderful, and I was amazed it did not bother the headache at all, in fact, it might have helped.  We cuddled afterwards, and I felt especially needy because I was a bit upset that I didn't swallow for the first time. I felt like I failed a little even though he assured me I hadn't.  I don't remember needing to be cuddled that much in the past for any reason.  Then all the sudden we're bear hugging each other, and I whisper, "I'm scared".  I don't know where it came from, I wasn't thinking it, but there it was, and I realized, it was true.  He held me, and told me it was okay, he had me, he was there.  He said it a few times as his hold got tighter and tighter around me.  But still, the fear wiggled it's ugly head at me, and destroyed my peace.  My chest felt tight, and my upset stomach was at a full rumble by this point.

We're in a new place in DD and D/s that we've never been before.  The Duke is finding what works for him in DD without my suggestions.  He's getting ideas that I never told him about.  He's leading in ways that shock and surprise me, and wow me.  I love that he's making it his own.  I hated giving him ideas, felt like I was still not submitting.  He's really liking leading, and wow, I'm amazed.  And I'm scared because it's now getting to be more than I thought we'd do.  Can I go as deep as he'll lead?  I crave it and fear it all at the same time.  Will he protect me as much as I'll need when we go deeper?  Will he realize just how vulnerable that will make me?  And what if life gets in the way again, and he pulls back completely?  I broke down and asked him that, what I would do if he backed away completely, again.  Last time he backed away I felt so unloved, I was ignored every single day and felt very unwanted.  This time would be worse, we're going deeper, I'll be learning to depend on him more.  And then he promised, he promised he had me, and he wasn't doing that to me again.  He seemed really convicted of it, and I choose to believe he will do as he says.  I think I would find it extremely hard to go deeper, and then pull back completely. 

This is where I show my faith in him.  I am not going to focus on the hurt from the past, I'm letting it go.  I've changed, and so has he.  This is where I push the fear aside.  It's not doing me, nor us, any good.  This is where I leap when I want to stay on solid ground, because at least I know what is here and what it is like.  I don't know where my feet will land if I take the jump.  But the other half of me is almost pushing me off the solid ground, begging me to dive head first and see how deep the rabbit hole goes.  The daring side of me will win, because I want my marriage to win.  I started us down this path, and I have to be brave enough to see how far he'll take us down it.  I just may beg for a parachute a few times along the way until we land though... lol.  Is it weird that in the fear and excitement and yearning, I just want to cry?  (Did I mention I didn't really sleep last night)  It's overwhelming, yet I feel safe at the same time?  I'm so utterly female.  Augh.  So undecided and unsure of what I feel.  I do know this though, in the midst of it all, I want more of him.  Always, more of him.

To end on a bit of a bad note, we're about to be BLASTED with 8-12 inches of snow and 1-1.5 inches of freezing rain if predictions are right.  Soooooooo, if I disappear for a few days, that will be why.  As soon as I can get online again, I will. :)

Throw - Domestic Discipline Blessed Me And Our Marriage

This post is the beautiful thing I learned in the midst of something very dark.  For anyone that got into DD after the summer of 2013 you may not know this.  Back on June 19, 2013, the DailyBeast did an article on DD.  Well, they wrote about CDD, the article was called "Spanked for Jesus", but it was DD blogs in our very community that got linked in the articles and were called CDD.  The journalist's point of view was very negative to those who practice spanking.  The response was explosive.  Several publications reprinted the article or wrote their own take on it.  It was in the news, youtube channels jumped on to give their opinions.  It seemed to be everywhere, and so did the hatred.  It was a hard time for those of us in blogland.  Some bloggers got some horrifying comments on their blogs.  Some took down their blogs, and we haven't seen them since.  Some went private.  I remember the fear. the feeling dirty and exposed.  BUT, this is the beautiful thing I learned and shared during it.  This moment really helped me in our becoming who we are.  If anyone ever questions why we practice, I will show them this.  In fact, when my best friend learned we practiced, this was the post I showed her before we talked further.  This is a bit long, but if you want reasons why we practice, why this works for us, why we thrive, this is it. :)  I can't live without DD in my marriage, it just doesn't work.  We tried later on for family reasons, but had to go back to it.  We just don't do well without it.

This was posted June 25th, 2013

Domestic Discipline Blessed Me AND Our Marriage 

I have spent the week processing, and I'm sorry that I haven't written.  I know many felt attacked by the article that came out last week, which is now being reported by dozens of news sources.  I hate that we all have felt violated and threatened.  At the same time, I am so proud of the fact that a community that is wounded and some a bit frightened have rallied behind one of our own to pray for their family.  There is so much love here.  I am so thankful for this community.  I have been since I found you, and still am.

I won't lie, part of what kept me silent this week was the sudden rush in traffic on my site.  Like four thousand hits in a couple of days.  I thought that happened for everyone, but when I mentioned it to a few of you, you had no influx of visitors.  I couldn't figure out why.  So on Sunday I looked up my traffic reports.  A huge chunk of them came from the LDD site.  I just could not figure out why.  So I looked.  I had been linked in a post of theirs just before the articles came out... so I'm guessing that is how my numbers went so high.

I don't know why I didn't get bad comments, but after hearing what some got, I am thankful.  To those of you that received mean comments, I am so sorry.  You are so special, so loved.  You do not deserve their scorn or judgement.  We are all behind you.  We know the truth about you, and are sorry their lies and confusion was so blind and hateful. :(

I won't lie, it freaked me out that my numbers were going high, and others weren't.  But the next day I made a decision.  I don't care what they think.  I did, I really let it bother me this week, that article nonsense.  But not anymore.  I hope it's okay to share why. 

Before DD I cried myself to sleep so many times.  I felt so unloved.  The Duke never noticed anything I did, and never seemed to care about me.  Yes, he loved me, but he never showed it to me.  I was literally dying inside.  I was desperate, I started looking online on ways to save my marriage.  I just wanted the Duke to step up, take over some, relieve me of some of the burdens I was carrying.  Essentially, I wanted him to take his role of head of our house.  When looking up info on how to do this, I found Domestic Discipline.  I had wanted a marriage like DD, but did not know what to call it.  It was a hope for something I thought didn't exist.  Now it was real, now it had a name.

My heart started yearning.  Not only was there a lifestyle out there I could learn from that might help guide the Duke into stepping up, but it also was a lifestyle that would help us learn to take my control, and give him control.  Better yet, here was a lifestyle that also had ways to help me become a better person, help me learn boundaries as I'd never had any before, a lifestyle that would help me learn to control my temper, and best of all, a way to let go of guilt.  I carried around guilt so much, and having a temper that made me regret everything I would say and do did not help.

It took MONTHS to show the Duke I was serious about this.  He is shy, and passive, this took some talk. Domestic Discipline is not about punishments.  It's about helping those of us that need it finding a structure base to live in.  I needed to start having consequences.  I was self destructing with nothing to stop me.  I was getting unhealthy, I was getting depressed, I was getting a low self esteem, I was getting angry, I was not dealing with the grief of losing my son in a healthy way.  I wanted to lash out at the world.

This is what DD has done for me.

I now keep my house in order.  This has become a rule in my home.  For the Duke?  Not a chance.  He does not care one iota what the house looks like, and he never did.  Why then the rule?  Because clutter stresses me out.  Hearing people outside my door REALLY stressed me out that they may want to come in, and then they'd see the mess.  The Duke hates seeing me stressed.  He likes seeing me happy.  So the clean house is so that when I sit down, I can relax, and not be looking out of the corner of my eye at all that needs to be done, and stressing about not ever being able to catch up.  It now takes me 20 minutes twice a week to clean up my house.  That's it.

I now exercise and eat better.  Not to deprive me, and make me lose weight, but because I wasn't feeling well.  This one was the hardest to ask the Duke to enforce, he loves me the way I am, the size I am.  He does not believe I need to change.  I however do.  When he started to see that I was feeling better with this rule being enforced, it became a rule that would stay.  I no longer have as bad of headaches, I have more energy, I'm sick less days.

I now look at myself and can smile at myself.  One reason is that I have only had one blow up in months.  One.  And even then it wasn't bad.  Why?  Because the Duke knows when to cut me off now. He knows that line I cross where it's okay to share my opinion, and when I start to get angry and can't stop.  I still get to share my opinion, but he reminds me to calm down, take a breath, not to let the anger over rule me.  This has saved me from so much guilt.  I don't have to apologize to him for raking him over the coals, for swearing, stomping about the house, and I don't have to apologize to God for railing at Him as well, as that is where I would go once I was done with the Duke.  It is so great to not have to carry that burden around.

I can also look at myself and smile because the Duke does not allow me to self bash either.  I am no longer allowed to tell myself I am worthless, that I don't matter, that I'm ugly.  I am not allowed to have pity parties that lead to dark moods and depression.  If they threaten to come, the Duke is there, to love me, praise me, and show me how much he loves me.

EVERY single rule I have is for me.  It took me a while to see that.  But it's true.  Not one of those rules are a selfish one made by the Duke.  Even my bedtime rule is because if I don't get enough sleep, I am useless the next day with a major migraine, sometimes so bad all I can do is sit in the quiet, with tears running down my face.  He HATES to see me in pain.

DD is done out of love.  It's done out of respect.  Yes, sometimes I get spanked, but you know what?  If I get to the point I need a spanking, I also need to a good cry.  A spanking helps me cry, it helps me let go of all I'm holding on to.  It helps erase the guilt, it helps me know I've dealt with my mistake and can move on without having to worry about it anymore.  Spanking frees me.  You think I'm crazy?  I smile after EVERY spanking.  Not always right away, sometimes it can take ten minutes.  Never longer.  The Duke always pulls me to him right away and holds me and comforts me and lets me know how much he loves me, tells me to let it all out, and that he is there for me.  And then I smile.  Because all the garbage I was feeling is gone.  I cried it out.  No more baggage, I'm freed.  And I have my best friend there, supporting me.

I can't go back to how our life was before.  I can't.

Before, my husband never touched me, he never talked to me, he lived in his own little world.  We shared a bed, we shared a home, but that was it.

Now he LOVES to be with me.  He can't wait to talk to me each day.  We spend hours sometimes just talking.  He can't keep his hands off of me.  He's always wrapping his arms around me, holding my hand, putting his hand on my knee when I'm driving.  He asks more about what I think.  He checks in more to make sure I'm doing okay.  He asks more what he can do to make sure I'm doing okay.  He takes over more things when my daily headaches are harder to bear.  He's more ready and willing to help me with chores around the house and to run errands.  He steps in to protect me now.  He stands up when friends try to take up too much of his time now and tells them he needs more time with me.  We joke around way more, and tease each other.  We now do nightly devotions together and pray together more often.  I have not felt this loved, ever.  This is better than when we were dating.

I can't go back to how our life was before.  I can't.

DD is one of the best gifts God has brought to my marriage.  I am so happy now.  I feel freer than I have ever been.  I feel more loved.  I feel special.  I feel important.

Anyone that wishes to judge me can.  I've realized I just don't care. :)  I'm happy.  The Duke is happy.  That, I do care about.  That is what matters.  That article made me feel dirty.  But HOW can I feel dirty about something that has brought so much love, joy and peace?  Shame on the author for trying to destroy something so beautiful.  Shame on her.

To all you fellow DDers out there, whether you write blogs or just lurk, I am so proud to belong to this group of WONDERFUL people.  It is so rare to see love given so freely as it is here.  This community means so much to me.  Had you not been here, I would have never known.  I might still be crying myself to sleep every night, fighting for a way to survive.

I know some of you are taking your blogs down, some going private, and some taking theirs off of being able to be searched for.  I really feel that you are right in doing so.  Each person is different, and we all need different things, especially if you feel threatened at all.  Always listen to that voice if it tells you to pull back.  I thought about each of those for the Duke and I, and wondered which I/we should choose for us.  After some long thoughts, and as long as the Duke stays okay with it, I'm not changing anything for now.  I want to still be here for others to find who may need DD as much as I did.  That may change as our life changes, or if kids come into the picture, but for now, I feel peace about this decision.  I hope it is okay to ask those of you that go private to send me an invite. :)  I really still want to stay in contact because you have come to mean so much to me, and I have learned so much from you guys. :)  I love you guys. :)

And The Calm In The Middle :)

Well, since I shared the ups and downs of DD this past week, might as well share about the middle ground. :)

That is where I am right now.  That safe spot.  That place where I'm very content, and loved, and special, and just, ah, it's nice. :)

There are no fireworks right now.  There are no marching bands playing in the background with loud cheerleaders reminding you of how wonderful this is and baton twirlers with a showy display.  And thankfully, there are also no crying tears, no lashing out, no dark holes you have to fight against to keep from being sucked in.

No, today, I just am in our relationship.  I'm letting him lead, I'm obeying what he asks of me.  I'm fully content.  This man loves me.  This man has me.  This man wants to protect me.  And I'm thankful.  Blissfully thankful.  No spankings in days, no real chances to be intimate, but still, he's there, giving me his leadership and strength in a million little ways.

I like the calm.  Don't get me wrong, the highs are wonderful, but I also like this place of just being as well. :)  The happiness.  Being thankful.  Knowing he's there.  That I can rest because he has me.  That I'm not alone.  Just being us. :)

I really like this place too. :)

My Shocking Struggle With Submission

After my gushing post the other day of how much I love submission, how needy I become, and how much I thrive off of giving myself to the Duke, last night was a COMPLETE surprise.

My cycle was SUPER weird this time.  My body and emotions were way different.  Okay, I'll say it, I was very turned on, all the time, even after my cycle finished and I thought the hormones leveling out would have made it stop.  Even if the Duke pleased me three or four times before bed, I still couldn't sleep.  It wouldn't stop.  It was insatiable.  I have not been falling asleep until 5am most nights, or later for two weeks because of it.  And then yesterday, I just lost it.  I was tired, needed release, again, and in trying to move an intricate lego house, dropped it by mistake and it fell to pieces, everywhere.

I wanted time alone.  I felt like I was going crazy, needing out of my skin.  I wanted to claw my way out of my own body.  I pulled out the instructions and put the lego house back together.  It was calming, to a degree, but the second it was done, I was crazy again.  The Duke said I needed a spanking because I was cranky.  I said no.  Yep.  I said NO.  Hanging my head in absolute shame here.  And what is worse?  I kept saying no.  He kept saying I needed one, and I kept saying there was no way I was going for one.  I wasn't loud, I wasn't mean, but I kept saying no, quietly but firmly.  Where was Miss Submissive? {Now I have Miss Independent by Kelly Clarkson in my head, lol  And you're welcome to all of you that do now too. lol}

I didn't want to submit, it felt wrong, it felt weak, and I didn't like it.  All the beautiful aspects of submission that I usually love, they were escaping my mind.  I couldn't think of one. 

The Duke stood directly in front of me, grabbed my chin firmly, and against all my effort, raised my face to look up at him from where I sat on the floor having just finished the lego house.  He leaned over me, his face close to mine, and told me I could say no all I liked, but I was getting spanked because he thought I needed it.  I tried to look away, and he wouldn't let me.  I started to cry.  All the hormones, stress, exhaustion, being cranky, it all came together in a blob of mess that made me feel like I was someone else, and I didn't like it.  I was so out of control, it was scary, It was like free falling with no net to catch me.  My net was looking me straight in the face, but I couldn't see it that way at the time.  I finally was able to look away, and he grabbed my cheeks in both hands, and forced me to look at him again.  He told me he loved me, that he was going to help me, and again told me he loved me, that he was doing this for me.  I should have felt cherished.  Isn't that what we all dream of from our men when we want this?  That firm, take charge attitude, done because they love us and want the best for us?  And all I felt was this rushing feeling of frustration, feeling so lost.  Literally, who was in my body at that moment?  It certainly didn't feel like me.  It certainly wasn't the same woman that felt safe and cherished as she cuddled in the Duke's arms several times this past week.

A few hours later we were able to do the spanking with the new carpet beater from Christmas.  After the spanking to help me let the crankiness go, the Duke gave me 12, VERY HARD, swats for having fought him by saying no repeatedly.  One swat was so hard I actually rolled out of position on instinct.  I thought I was past that.  I was so disappointed in myself, and rolled right back as soon as I processed what I had done.  During it he told me that next time I won't be able to argue, he'll put his foot down right away and put an end to it.... which to be honest, I think would be best.  Since I have no idea what got into me, having him curb my behaviour before it gets out of hand would be better than how I spiralled last night.

Is this the womanly change?  I am 40... but that feels young, but maybe it's not?

The Duke is stepping up, and apparently I'm going to be getting away with a lot less.  The Duke usually can't find much to punish me for, but it looks like I'm going to have to be extra diligent to keep it that way.  Today I feel a bit lost still, but no where near as lost as last night.  I feel submissive again, thank goodness.  He's doing an extra long shift at work today, and I miss him.  I can't wait until he's home and can give me a snuggle.

After writing all this, I think I realize part of the problem. (If you are new to my blog, over two years ago, my parents had to move in with us.)  In all this submissive and needy feeling lately, my Dad, who I love, don't get me wrong, but he's been pushing in a lot, trying to get into my space, making me feel smothered.  I actually had to go to the Duke the other night while I was cooking because Dad was so much in my space.  I felt bad, he was only trying to help with supper, but smothered I felt.  I got the Duke to hold me tight, my chest pressed tight to his, to feel his presence and power before I could go back to the kitchen to do supper.  Dad was completely overwhelming me, and I was feeling so vulnerable, that it was freaking me out.  He was really in my space again today, and I just want the Duke here to hold me, and make the vulnerability not so scary... being turned on all the time for the past two weeks, (man, I should see a doctor about that) makes me also not want my Dad in my space.  AUGH.  It's horrible. It makes my skin crawl.  I want him no where near me.  Not his fault, but augh.  Wow, going to have to think on all of this.

Throw - In Case You Need A Good Laugh :)

This is from February 7th, 2014, and oh my, it was a funny one. :)  Thought I'd try another Throwback Thursday.  Let me know if you like, have some deeper meaning ones from my early blogging days I think I might start posting once a month, as I really liked what I learned back then. :)

No! I'm A Good Girl! ;) 

So, I sing at random times.  When taking a shower, when doing house work, and as was the case today, when getting dressed.

So, one line of the song I was singing is {scratchy like because of my cold}, "You rinse and you spit, but you don't swallow it."

The Duke's head whips around.  "What are you singing???"

I repeat the last line I'd just sung, laughing as I realize how it sounds.

"Are you being a bad girl?"  He's half shocked, half amused at me as I only listen to clean songs.  He was probably wondering where I picked up such a song.

So I rushed to answer.  "No, no, I'm being a good girl!  It's a Bubble Guppies song!  About brushing your teeth!"  Hey, I work with kids, one who loves the show.  It's not my fault!  Those songs are horribly catchy. lol

Later on, I asked what had shocked/bothered him more.  The idea of being able to spit it out, or that he thought I was singing a song about oral sex.  ;) ;) ;)  I'll leave you to guess his answer.

And in case anyone questions my honesty, this song is in the "Tooth On The Looth" episode. :)

Submission and Neediness

Many of you have been here.  Many of you know that sometimes submission and neediness go hand in hand.  And right now, I'm there.

The Duke has majorly stepped up in the past few weeks, and that has in turn caused my submission to grow by leaps and bounds.  At the same time, it's created this huge neediness in me.  Almost all encompassing at times.  This need and deep desire to please him, to do things to help him, to obey him, to be around him, to hear him say "Good Girl", to make him proud, to have his time when he can give it, to feel his arms around me, to feel him pleasing me physically because he wills it or demands it.  Just this need to be more his.

I sit here, while he's at work, with this yearning for him to be home, to be here, with me.  To sit and cuddle, to have him give me a command, and have to obey it.  I even would beg for a hard spanking right now if it meant he could be here for the day.  And as much as I'm uncomfortable at times with my neediness, fearing of coming across as pathetic, or being rejected, I love it too.  I feel in love with him in a way I haven't in a long while.  I feel giddy thinking of when he'll get home, and excited when he all the sudden touches me, even if it's the most innocent of touches.  I long for when he holds my face firmly in his hands so that he can tell me something important or make sure I take a command seriously, I long for the next time he grabs my neck firmly (usually the back) and just holds me in place because he knows that my whole body and mind submit to him in that moment, it's a very heady feeling. 

I just... need his strength, his care, his control, his will over mine.  I love when that happens.

So here I am, submissive as ever, and needy. :)  In a good way.

And thank you, everyone, for all the anniversary wishes. :)  They meant so much. :)  I don't know if you know that, but I try to make sure to reply to every comment I get.  Sometimes I get a few days behind, but I always try to respond because the fact that you write a comment to me means so much to me.  Thank you.

Happy Anniversary, Duke :)

This week we have been married 11 years.  First of all, I'm pmsing.  Not to complain, or tell God how to do His job or anything, but shouldn't there be some rule about having your cycle on your anniversary?  Like, as in, it's not allowed to happen?  Just saying. :P  

I don't share my faith on here often, you come here to read about my marriage, and how we live our dynamic in it, and I want to respect that.  But being our 11th anniversary, I want to share a story with you because the number 11 is very important to me when it comes to our marriage, and sharing the reason why means sharing about a prayer I had many years ago, and how it was answered. :)

Two decades ago, *GULP* does that ever make me sound old, but there it is, two decades ago I was in my dorm room, alone, crying.  I wanted to be married so bad.  I wanted a man that would love me, lead me, spank and correct me when I needed it, (yes, I knew from about 19 I wanted this type of marriage).  I wanted all that, but all I prayed for was a man that loved me to marry me because I honestly didn't think I could ask for the rest.  I told God I didn't need to have my husband right then, but that I was so lonely, and could He just send me a sign that said I would be married someday, no matter how far away.  Many friends of mine loved the time of day of 11:11, it meant nothing to me, but every time they would call it out, I'd look at the clock and it would be 11:12.  It had happened earlier that very night even.  So, I asked God that if I was going to marry someday, to please show me 11:11 on the clock the next day.

Now, please don't think I do this kind of thing often.  In fact, I think it is the only time in my life I asked God for a fleece prayer (asking God to show through a physical sign how He will do things).  I forgot about it the next day, to be honest.  Like, it didn't even enter my head at all.  I had a paper I had to write and I had to get to it, and that was my only thought.  All the sudden, as I'm writing, someone threw a snowball at the window, I went to see who wanted me, but they hit the wrong window and wanted the person in the next room.  I sat back down again, wondering if was lunch time yet.  11:11 stared back at me from it's little box at the bottom right of the computer screen, and all the sudden I was transported to my prayer the night before.  I couldn't move.  I was just in awe.  That night, again, 11:11 came without warning and stared me in the face while in a mini van.  Over the years, when I would doubt, 11:11 started showing up everywhere as a reminder.  And then, about 7 years after I prayed, I met the Duke and we became friends.  Two years after that, after late night computer chats, and hanging out, we started dating.  A year later, and we were married. :)  About a decade after that prayer alone in my dorm room.  To this day, I love seeing 11:11 and being reminded of God showing His love to me through answering that.

So, this is our 11th anniversary, and it has been so special.  We hit a really hard time this summer, and I questioned a lot of things.  I even wondered if we'd make it.  But we've come out the other side, so much stronger, and so much more in tune with each other.  Now, my bottom may not love it as much, lol, but I sure do.  I currently sit on a sore bottom, but just as I was hoping last night, all the guilt is gone from what I was carrying this week.  We had a lovely time of connecting afterwards, and the Duke has been smiling since.  I told him it was because I sucked his.... afterwards, *blush* and he said "Yep" with a cocky grin. lol  (I don't usually share that much intimate info, hope I didn't shock anyone.) :)

So thankful we're back on again.  Not all marriages need DD, most don't, even ones that thrive with it.  We have found though that our marriage needs it.  Without it, I get forgotten, and most of the responsibility shifts to me.  I don't do well with all of it.  I can do a lot of responsibility, but with daughter, parents moved in, job, house, bills, health issues, etc, I can't do it all.  I need one person in my life to notice me and help me with my needs.  I meet his, and now he's meeting mine again.  He's seeking me out again, checking on me, stepping in when I need it, and just showing me so much love and that he has me.  I love him so much. :) So even though I didn't pray for the spanking and leading when asking for a husband, I still got it.  I got it all.  This was the best anniversary yet.  No gifts, no cards.  Still recovering and so behind, and it was still the best anniversary yet. :)

Duke, thank you for choosing me, thank you for chasing me, even when I didn't want you to at first all those years ago. ;)  Thank you for loving me, and figuring out this crazy ride of DD and D/s and the rest with me.  Thank you for fighting for our marriage, and most of all, fighting to do right for me so that I feel cared for.  I love you so much.  Here's to many more anniversaries together.

Waiting On A Spanking

Depending on how you feel about spanking, the words to the title of this post will usually instill fear, or stir excitement.  Today I just feel kind of disappointed in myself.  We have yet to do good girl spanking, (hope we try one soon) so that isn't what is happening tonight or tomorrow.  No, I have a lot of guilt over something, and the Duke has decided a spanking may help me let it go.  He's right, I know he is, it always works when I carry this level of guilt, but I still hesitate.  The Duke has a strong hand, and he should, too light a spanking, and I probably wouldn't cry my guilt out.  Yet during a spanking, that is exactly what I'm hoping for, a light spanking, just to the point of starting to hurt, something I can easily handle and then smile about afterwards.  And any of you that need spankings know how effective those kinds of spankings are in the end.  Eeek.  lol  We might as well not have had one.  *sigh* lol

So, I need a harder spanking.  Where I cry, where he doesn't give into me the first or second time I tell him it hurts.  Where he's in control, and I'm not.  The kind of spanking that will make him pull me into his arms afterwards and cuddle me to make sure I'm okay, and ask if I got the release I needed.  The kind where I hope to feel it the next day, because as hard as it was, feeling a reminder later on of him showing his love to me in this way makes me feel so special and cared for.  He is never okay with me carrying around guilt.  He hates seeing me down, and beating myself up.  I try not to, but sometimes, I just feel so disappointed in myself about something.  Something usually out of my control, and that's why I can't fix it, and it just hangs over my head.

I hope it happens tonight.  I hope he uses both new implements I made him for Christmas, though we've already tried them both out just for fun and reset. :)  There is a picture of them in my last post if you missed them.  Usually we wouldn't wait on a spanking, but my cycle was horribly heavy this time, and I just couldn't see a way to do it.  So it will probably happen tonight as long as circumstances allow because my cycle has finally slowed down enough.  I long for the cuddle afterwards, after I've cried my guilt away.  I feel free, his arms around me make me feel special, his words make me feel loved, his touches make me feel beautiful, and his kisses make me feel desired.  He will do all of those anyway, he does often, spanking or not, but there is something extra special about being so open and vulnerable to him after a spanking when he does them.  I feel free, cleansed, very exposed (many of them happen naked or half naked), but I also feel exposed because we've laid bare everything I feel guilty over.  My face feels fresh from all the tears, and my mind feels opened and all the bad feelings and confusion are gone.  I feel vulnerable because he's broken down my walls, yet so safe because he protects me in my vulnerability with him.  He's there, taking care of me like I'm the most precious thing in his world.  Those are my absolute most favourite moments ever.

So I wait, for a spanking I know will hurt, but then all this guilt will be gone, and I so look forward to that.  This week we celebrate 11 years of marriage.  November was six years doing DD.  It's been off and on, but it's always better when it's on.  I do so much better being held accountable, and the Duke does so much better when he's leading.  He's happier, more confident, more relaxed, funnier, more teasing, more carefree.  I love it. :)  I love that man of mine.

Note - Sorry I was gone for a few weeks.  We were so sick here, it took some time to heal.  Also a lot of family dynamic stuff going on, and I just couldn't get my head around blogging.  Thank you to everyone who checked in on me.  You sure know how to make a girl feel loved. :)  I hope you all had a Happy New Year. :)  I want to promise I'll get to your blogs this week, but I have to be honest.  I have a house that hasn't been cleaned in a month from all the sickness.  I finally got the tree down just today.  I NEVER leave it to January.  Gift bags and packaging from gifts were still in a pile in my living room, I never do that either.  Our bedroom looks like a tornado hit is.  So I have a lot of catching up to do, and I want to get at it.  Hopefully I'll catch up with everyone soon though. :)