Monday, April 29, 2013

Spring Fling Challenge, Week 4

I have to admit, this week has been hard.  One, I was fighting something for part of the week and weekend.  But the real reason it was hard was because I have a huge split in my left heel.  No matter how much I have filed down any rough skin, or put lotion on it, it is still ripping open.  So for most of the week I would do house work, and laundry, and then rest because of how much my heel hurt.  Now, as I said before, laundy is a work out on it's own because I'm so short.  Bend over, lift, reach way over your head, tip toes, stretch, and repeat.  It can take 15 minutes to hang a load if there is a lot of items in it.  Blanket and towel loads can take 5 minutes or so.  Sometimes I put three loads on a line, and since I am spring cleaning all the clothes we haven't worn recently, and all the quilts and bedding, there has been a lot of loads.  So I do count that as a work out. :)  But I am sorry to say that I had to stop my step work outs and jogging for the week.  I honesty don't know how the crack happened, the rest of my heel, and right heel, are perfect.  I don't understand.

It is still pretty sore, but I can do more on it now.  I did not get to work out today because I'm having to finally rearrange rooms to get an office set up.  I finally heard back that all my paper work cleared, and I have a week to get everything ready.

So, with all of this, I forgot to weigh in this morning.  But I really don't feel bad about that.  WHY?  Because the other day I wanted to wash ALL my casual pants, so I decided to pull out my work pants that I wore at my last job.  Without realizing it, I pulled out the tightest pair, and just before I went to button then, realized what I'd done.  I was about to take them off when I realized they fit different.  Before, I had to suck in to button them.  On Friday?  They were too loose!  And it's only been about a month since I wore them!!!! 

So this is working.  Me being more active is working. :)  I will try to weigh in tomorrow, but even if I forget, I'm okay missing a week of weighing in as long as I'm still seeing results.  If you'd told me that in only a few weeks my pants would go from too tight to too lose, I would have literally laughed at you.  I am so glad they were the pair I grabbed by mistake!

How are you all doing?  I'm loving seeing the posts that come up. :)

Have a great 4th week!  After this week, this is when I'll really need to work on it.  I'll be back to work, and it'll be so easy to go back to being lazy.  And that is really what I want to avoid.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Domestic Discipline Boot Camp - Finale

When I say the Duke is awesome, it doesn't seem to cut it.

As you all know from my post yesterday, I was having a hard time.  I did really well throughout the day until the final punishment session.  And then it was over the top.

So today?  The Duke decided that even though we still needed to go through with the rest of the bootcamp, he found a way to make it easier on me.  My stomach was still bothering me, and I didn't want to break down again, so I let him.  As you saw earlier today, the Duke wrote his first post, and has committed to writing the occassional post now.  That is one of the possible homework assignments, to start either a journal, or a blog.  The Duke said since this is already something I do, I could just relax as he started doing the same.  We had talked in the past about him writing on here from time to time, so he decided to take me on that offer.  He said because I already do this, I could relax while he did it. 

Today we got to watch a movie, go mini golfing, get smoothies, have several discussions, and then ended the day with some wine and a short movie.  Oh... Did I forget to mention there were THREE spankings today????  I could barely take the last one, and when the Duke saw how much I was struggling, he easied off a bit.  I don't know that I've ever been able not sit down after a spanking, but tonight, after spanking three, my butt was so on fire I could not sit down. 

So, here it is the end of day two.  And the Duke and I have decided that since so many people seem to be wondering about the boot camp, we'd answer a few questions for you.  I am putting my answers in pink and the Duke's in blue.  Now, we used the general idea and outline from the book we got in February called Domestic Discipline Boot Camp for Beginners.  If you are thinking at all of doing the boot camp in the future, you may want to take advantage of the fact that the book is currently on sale right now at the Learning Domestic Discipline site.  We also used their workbook a bit for this.  We didn't print out the pages, but they did help us in doing the homework assignments.  Here are our answers.  Remember, Es May in Pink, The Duke in Blue.

What did you like about the boot camp?
First of all, it's two days, uninterrupted, with the person you love.  We even unplugged the phones so that they wouldn't distract us.  Having the Duke's undivided attention for two whole days was amazing.  I also liked the number of homework assignments.  We really got to talk, A LOT.  And I loved it.  It really was like our own private couples retreat, and having the schedule really helped us feel like we were doing this great couples weekend of learning and growing, and really, we were. :)
I liked that the boot camp gave me a chance to practice my HOH skills. I liked being able to try different punishments, and I like how a lot of the assigments and exercises helped me to connect with my wife.

What did you not like about the boot camp?
I really found the punishments in the evening to be hard.  I was just over tired I think.  You do so much good processing throughout the day, but it does leave you a little less able to deal with punishments, even though they aren't supposed to be actual punishments, it can be hard to make your brain and heart believe that when you're tired.
I thought day 1 was a little too heavily packed, especially towards the evening where it felt like it was going on and on. I don’t think the additional punishment exercise should be the last thing you do in the day.  {This opinion is probably a lot my fault for breaking down, he really did worry about me.  Gotta love a guy that worries about you!  Yes, my heart is melting. When did I become such a sap?}

Would you ever do another one again?
Yes, the Duke and I even talked about doing this again once a year.  Changing it up as we'll be further into our DD dynamic, but we like the idea of the reconnection time, reevaluating goals and such. 
I am not sure we would do this specific boot camp layout again, however I would like to do a similar kind of boot camp or retreat type experience with my wife again.

What would you change next time if you were to do it again?
I think I would ask the Duke if we could have all the punishments done before supper time.  We also could take out some of the beginner punishments because they say to try them if you never have.  Well, we've done them now, so no need to needly repeat. :)  *RIGHT DUKE???*
I would probably modify the punishment exercises. I don’t think there is a need to practice so many of the non-spanking punishments except the lectures. I lot of the non-spanking punishments require the wife to think about and process the rule they broke, however if they have not broken a rule they are just wasting time literally in the case of the corner and bedroom time. Also, I probably would not do all 3 spankings on the same. Also, I think I would pick different homework assignments for the most part. {He means different ones in the book because there are 25 to chose from, and you only pick so many to go over the weekend.  His ideas on trying out so many punishments is probably my fault too... }

Do you think the boot camp has changed your relationship?
I see a difference in the Duke already.  When he worried about standing up for himself, I tested him to prove he could do it. ;)  I told him to go sleep on the sofa for the night.  He would put his foot down and say no, and give me reasons why he was sleeping in the same bed as me.  Then I really pushed.  He didn't give in.  Then I smiled and told him I wasn't worried about him backing down. ;)
Yes I think we are closer because we have been through an interesting experience together. I think I am more in charge now then I was before the weekend, and I think out of some of the exercises like the lecture exercise, the rules and budget assignments, and the spanking exercises I have a better idea what to do in certain situations in the future. For example I know the kinds punishments I need to inflict for certain rule breakings, I know how much money we have to spend so I have a better idea on if I should spend money on something or not, and I have a better idea on how to handle my wife in certain situations.

Would you recommend the Beginner’s Boot Camp book?
I would, but only if you honestly feel it's something you would benefit from.  Also, play the weekend by ear, if you find your schedule isn't doing what you hoped, change it.  I would recommend the workbook as well.  I learned things about myself this weekend I didn't even know.  It really helped us to dig deep.  How can I expect the Duke to help me if I don't even know why I do some of the things I do?  This book really helped us with that.  I was so shocked.  If you decide that a boot camp would be right for you, bring a box of tissue with you if you're prone to crying! ;)
Yes I think it would definitely help their relationship and it really lays down some groundwork for the DD lifestyle to follow.

So there you have it.  We did it, we survived boot camp!  My bottom may not quite agree until tomorrow, but luckily it can't talk! ;)  I feel so much closer to the Duke now.  There are so many times it suggests cuddling, we took every advantage of that.  That man LOVES me.  I really did question it at times before, not now.  This boot camp really asks you to be honest, gut wrenching honest.  Trust me, I found it worth it! :)

If you have questions about it that we didn't ask ourselves, please feel free to ask in the comments and we'll try to answer them.  Feel free to ask us anything, this choice isn't right for everyone, and if you decide you think it is, we more than happy to tell you more about what we learned from it if it will help you make the right choice for your DD marriage.

First Post from The Duke

Hello. Allow me to introduce myself. I am known as The Duke. I have been EsMay's husband for the past few years, and in the last few months I have also became her Head of Household in the DD lifestyle. This is my first post in Blogland and I am doing this as part of an activity from Boot Camp Weekend.

This particular homework assignment is to start a DD journal and you can post it on line if you want to. As EsMay already has hers, I have decided to start mine, and EsMay has allowed me to be a co-poster on hers so that I can get all her viewers right away ;) Boot camp has been a lot more fun and exciting than I had expected it to be. The lecture time I think was very helpful to us as a couple, and these homework assignments have allowed us to start some things we have been meaning to like a budget, a set of rules, a contract, and this here Blog post you are reading.  Also, I really enjoy planning and leading these sessions, even though it is just the two of us. I like the feeling of being charge, and that people (well, just me and my wife really) get to do the things I would like them to do. Today is when the real fun of Boot camp starts, the spankings! :)

When EsMay first came to me with the idea of DD, I was curious but also scared, as I did not want to do anything that I thought might be "weird" or "dangerous". However, as I learned more about it I found that it was not anything too out there, and also realised how much it could help our marriage. I feel that as a husband, I was not much of a leader because of a lack of self confidence. However, the principles of DD, including the spankings, and being able to tell my wife what to do, I feel this has "given me permission" to practise being a leader and has built my self confidence, where I can now do things like Spank my wife and do this Boot camp weekend. It also has made our bedroom life more exciting, I think because I enjoy the feeling of being in control.

I haven't seen a whole lot of John Wayne movies, but I have liked the half-dozen or so movies I have seen him in, and thought the user name was also appropriate because of the famous scene in McLintock. Also, I respect the man and what he stood up for. Also, I liked the old GI Joe cartoon as a child (showing how old, or how young I am), as well, I played a Duke in a couple of Shakespeare plays (yes I am an amateur community stage actor as well) making it all around an appropriate screen name. Anyway, I hope today goes as well as yesterday. Have a good morning everyone!

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Domestic Discipline Boot Camp - Day One

I am exhausted.  So tired. 

Am I allowed to hunt down Clint and Chelsea and BEG them to change the book???? ;)

Would it be terribly wrong to change the copy of the book the Duke owns?  Or delete it and say the computer must have had a glitch????  ;) ;)

Okay, so boot camp isn't that bad, it really has been great, but I really do feel that some things in the book are to an excess.  Okay, only one, but still, when you're this tired, one thing can seem enormous.  The punishments.  At least with spanking there is a release.  But when you are given a lecture, later on a corner time, later on a 30 minute bedroom time, and then after that an hour of lines, mouth soaping, Bible reading, and a chore.  I just... at the end of the day, I was bawling while writing the lines.  Even though I'd done nothing wrong, it was just too much at the end of the day.  I think the fact that I didn't feel well did not help.  Been running to the bathroom all day. :(  Also, with all the punishments, even though I know they're just to get used to them, and the book does say to try them all that you plan to do, except things like grounding, I felt beaten down.  It's hard to take punishment after punishment when you have done nothing wrong, even if it is just to push your submission.

But the day wasn't all bad.  The lecture time we worked through some issues I didn't even know I had.  We talked, and talked, and I bawled like a baby.  It was so good, we needed to do this, see why I did the things that I do.  I didn't realize why I act the way I do when I'm close to throwing those hormonal tempertantrum.  After talking, the Duke really did see how much I struggle not to get angry, but that I just can't seem to win.  We also realized I do the exact same things my mother used to do when she'd throw a fit.  I was never taught how to handle my anger, so I to this day don't know.  So, I will research that, and he will help me.  We sat down and worked out steps for both him and I to try over the next year to help cut off the anger before it builds.  If in two years we still can't make the hormonal tempertantrums easier, we will look at the antidepressants that I could be on.  For now, we don't see the point of a medication that I have to take 365 days a year for the 4-6 breakdowns I'll have a year that only last an hour.  But they are severe, I get near suicidal, but then an hour later can be completely calm and back to my old self, so we'll see.

The homework assignments are really great.  And we made up a contract.  I wasn't going to, but then I read somewhere this week that it can also be a good idea to protect your husband.  If a healthcare professional, or law enforcement were ever to find out I was being spanked, or see the bruises, it is good for my husband's safety to have a contract drawn up to say that I do want this lifestyle, and that I do give him permission to discipline me, and spank me.  This way, if in the moment they think I'm afraid to tell them the truth, I have a signed copy for both the Duke and I of our commitment and roles to this lifestyle, mine even promises I am not signing it under force or coercion, just in case.  We took the short sample on the LDD site and then added our own things.  It did take an hour and a half, but it says just what we want it to say, and it proves that I want this lifestyle, and go into it with my eyes wide open.

Over all, this was a GREAT day, and so far we would really advise any couple thinking about the beginners boot camp to go for it.  (But really consider first if this is for you.  It is not for everyone, it is just what we felt was good for us.  Every marriage is different, and so every couple that does DD needs to do things their own way as well.)  The only thing I would change so far is the grouping of punishments at the end of the first day.  If you do this, maybe think about doing this earlier in the day.  I just was already so tired, and emotionally exhausted from all the work we'd already done that day going through my past, reasons for doing things and such, that I really was too tired to do these without breaking down.  I just felt, well in my past I used to be punished all the time for things I hadn't done... mom would make up lies to tell dad, she'd punish me, and then he would hear her side and punish me as well, I guess I felt a lot like that again today.  So if you don't have that in your past, it probably wouldn't be as hard for you.  For me, I broke down crying at one point, and left the Duke completely baffled.

So I am off to bed.  The Duke has given me more of an idea of what to expect tomorrow.  I think that might have been part of it too.  I left all the planning to him, purposefully didn't read the book so that I wouldn't make a mistake and say "HEY!  The book didn't say to do that!"  Yeah, I don't need more ammunition for punishments this weekend!  LOL  But... because I did that, I thought there were only three punishments a day, so the final one took me completely off guard.  So he's told me tomorrow is only spanking ones.  There are three, but I can do that.  And the great thing about the spanking ones is that at least there will be a release.  That will help. :)

So, I am still alive, and looking forward to tomorrow.  Not sure if it's because at the end of the day we'll be done, or that we really are getting closer already.  And I'm now completely sure that this lifestyle is what the Duke wants, and not something I pressured him into doing.  That weight off my shoulders is great.  Hearing the Duke tell me why he hopes we never go back, really touched my heart.  Hearing him praise me, and love on me... so wonderful.  I love that man! :)  And this bootcamp has been so great for seeing that so far. :)  I really do feel this boot camp was the right thing to do for us.  Yes, it has been hard at times, like I stated above, but there is also so many great things that happened today as well.  :)

If I have the energy, I'll write tomorrow night as well.  Night all! :)

Friday, April 26, 2013

Domestic Discipline Boot Camp Starts

Tomorrow we will be starting boot camp.

I have 3 meals all precooked, they just have to be nuked to warm them up.  One meal will be poutine, all I have to do is cook the fries and pour cheese over top.  We're fending for ourselves for the breakfasts.  I picked up snacks, the Duke's favourites, to start my extra submission early.  We decided not to worry about healthy snacks for this weekend.  I made his favourite cake.  Bought chips (I don't like chips), bought pop.  The house is clean.  About to bring in the last load of laundry, and then there will be nothing we have to do all weekend......

EXCEPT toast my bottom, give me rules, give me tasks to help test and form my submission.  Did you hear that hitch in my voice?  Do you see my hands shaking?  Do you feel the ground shaking because my heart is beating so hard and fast???

I have been a wreck here or there throughout the week if I think about boot camp.  And I don't know why.  I trust the Duke completely.  I know he won't hurt me, we'll besides my bottom! ;)  I trust him to take care of me.  I know he would never humiliate me.  He does at times ask me to go outside of my comfort zone to show submission, and at times that embarrasses me.  But he only ever does that in the comfort of our own home.  Never with any chance of anyone seeing or hearing.  And we both see the benefit from this as well.  He doesn't do it to embarrass me, but to show me how much I truly can trust him.  He takes such good care of me.

You know what... writing all that is just what I needed.  Why didn't I list this all to myself earlier?  I do trust him.  I can already feel the worry leaving my body.  He's only ever asked things of me since we started DD that make me trust him more, things that are better for me than I would choose.  He has never once selfishly asked me for anything, or made a rule selfishly about anything.  Even a clean house is a rule because I freak when people come by unannounced and the place is a mess.  He hates seeing me stressed.  This way I can relax a lot more.

Okay, good. :)  Wow, thanks guys, you already helped! ;)

So tomorrow is boot camp.  I really feel good inside when I can submit.  I feel humility (the good kind) surging through me, this warm feeling of putting myself second to the Duke's happiness.  And the funny thing about that?  He always puts my happiness before his own.  And I mean always.  Those times it's a struggle for me?  Is because I'm learning to let go, learning to trust that I can be at absolute ease with someone else. 

When I submit, I feel owned, I feel loved.  When the Duke tells me "good girl" with that gentle smile, his voice full of pride and love, I just melt inside.  I have never loved, or been loved, like this.  I had been told all my life because I was not shown love as a child, I couldn't ever really love.  I believed it. :(  Maybe I can't reach the level of understanding that others can, or the depths, but what I feel right now is love like I've never known.  I have value, that SCARES me, but it also excites me.  The Duke has been letting me know this week that I am a prized possession to him.  I'm starting to feel beautiful.  *blush*  How did he do that so fast?  Wasn't it just this week I was fighting that tooth and nail?

I can't promise that I will be allowed to get on in the next two days, but if not, I'll write all about it on Monday.  We are going to try to limit my interactions with the outside world, the Duke says he'll see.  He might let met get on to at least blog about my thoughts.  I told him I feel I would better learn from this weekend if I didn't talk to too many people.  So we wrote our friends and loved ones an email telling them we were not going to answer phone calls, or knocks at the door all weekend.  This will help me stay focused on him. 

I really feel this is going to be good for me.  In talking about ways I need to let go, I've realized I have more walls built up than I thought.  I know there will be a lot of crying as I let them come crashing down, but I want to be vulnerable to the Duke.  I want him to have all of me.  Not just the parts I deem safe to give.  Yes, this is scary... but I have to do this.  I have to stop protecting myself, and let him do it for me. 

See you all Monday, if not before! :)  If I get any comments before bed, I'll try to reply to those at least. :)  Off to have a date night. :)

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Playing And Two More Rules

Playing around in DD is AMAAAAZING!

So, last night I start joking around with the Duke, basically poking the bear. :)  I was pinging him.  I don't know what it is, but I like to jokingly ping him.  So, he flipped me over, me fighting, me LOSING, and getting ten playful, but firm, swats.  We were on the bed, no, not telling any juicy bits! ;)

This happened three times, me pinging him, him playfully turning me over (against my will, lol) and giving me a series of playful, but firm swats, they kept getting harder.  Ouch.  Me, oh so respectful wife, of course was NOT laughing her bottom off, I was the picture of respect and composure.  *cough*  *coughI'm actually offended that at this moment some of you don't believe me!  ;)

And then I got turned over one more time... more seriously, though not much longer.  The Duke called me his "Little One".  One of the reasons I'm doing the Spring Fling Challenge is because I'm over weight.  I'm not small.  So I said so.  *SMACK*

The Duke: "Yes, You ARE."
Me: Timidly, almost with tears in my eyes "No, I'm not.  *SMACK* *SMACK*
The Duke: "Yes, You ARE."
Me:  "I have a mirror!  I know what I look like!"  *SMACK* *SMACK* *SMACK*

The Duke turned me over, I fought to win, he won.

The Duke: You are my Little One, and I want you to accept it.

See, I think part of the reason I can't, is for some reason growing up, and I can't even remember where I heard it, I hear someone being called Little One, and it sent off a craving in me.  I wanted for so long for someone to call me Little One.  Now all the sudden the Duke does?  I was thrown off my rocker.  I was told to get used to it. 

Let's just say that after that the playfulness continued and I woke up this morning feeling more loved than I have ever felt in my life!  Literally, my limbs were even smiling!

Then tonight happened.  I don't usually swear.  I grew up in a Christian home (My Dad was the Christian leader) where swearing was not allowed.  So it was not something I was accustomed too.  But on a bad hormonal day when I'm missing our son, upset that I'm not a mother, and wondering why God is blessing everyone around me with kids, and I'm still left with empty arms, I tend to say the f word. :( :( :(  And then I call myself some really bad names, my mom did not lead as my father did.  She called me the b word all the time, (never in front of dad) and so I find myself calling myself that on really bad days, feeling she is right, that if I was loved, and worthy, I would have kids by now.  I know this is NOT true.  But when my hormones are out of whack that bad... I really believe it.  I think this was all brought up because of my being down the other day.  It so easily could have ended like this, but thankfully didn't.

So... my new rule to make sure this doesn't happen again?  I'm not ever allowed to swear.  This is going to be so easy... normally, but when I'm alone and the hormones attack... ACK.  Not going to be easy.  :(  The other rule is that I'm never allowed again to say anything negative about myself.  I can't say I'm fat, ugly, a b... what have you. 

So... tonight I got a spanking, to cover the past, with the heavy wooden spoon, it had me bawling.  And I got a lecture on how I am telling myself lies when I talk about myself like this, and the Duke will not put up with lies.  Great, I'm honest in everything else, I never lie to him... why does this have to such an issue... I guess I see it, I wouldn't want him doing the same to himself... but I can't say I'm beautiful like he wants me to.  I can't.  It goes against all I was taught as a child... I didn't really think I had a lot to work on... bootcamp is going to be so hard!!!

I don't know what's come over him, I think I like it... a bit scared... in that I'm not ready for those last walls to come down... but I guess they must... *gulp*  I thought I was ready for this... but I never thought having to call myself beautiful was going to be a rule... This is it, when DD/TTWD goes in a different route than planned, and I have to trust the Duke with it, I can't top from the bottom... and all the sudden, losing the control to do so is scarier than I thought... and exciting... and well, sexy, and SCARY.  :)  Yep, that is me right now.  Why is there no breaks installed on this ship!?  Anyone got an anchor I can drop??? :)

Monday, April 22, 2013

Spring Fling Challenge, Week 3

I lost another 1 3/4 pounds!  Yep, this is me, doing my happy dance. :)  So I wanted to lose 2lb a week, but 3.25 in two weeks is still good, especially when wrestling with PCOS makes it so hard.  I will take it. :)  I do have a confession though... I had to use the note pad I wrote my measurements down on for something, and now I can't find it! :(  But I'm so glad with the weightloss that I'm not too disappointed, but I did promise you my measurement changes this week... and I can't give them to you, sorry.  Thank goodness I've been doing my weight on the wii and it records it for me!

SO, here is my honesty journal.  We tweaked some things, and one day I was told that all the house work I did was my work out, and not to do more... so here is what my week looked like.

Monday: Did all my squats, crunches, physio, but had a migraine and could not do my couch to 5k.
Tuesday: Did my couch to 5k from the day before, my reverse crunches and walked 10 min
Wednesday: Cleaned for a couple of hours, did 30 min of jogging on the spot.  DID NOT want to exercise this day... sadly the Duke had to issue it an order. :(  Sorry ladies. :(
Thursday: 23 min of stepping on the wii fit plus, cleaned for two hours, did some dancing (alone, in my livingroom and kitchen while doing some stuff around the house) for probably 20 min, made sure to work my hips, abs and arms a lot. :)
Friday: Washed and hung on the line 4 loads of laundry, then later brought them in and folded, also tidied the house and spring cleaned one area of a room.  I was told that was enough, the Duke doesn't want me to hurt my shoulder more, especially with how much I have to reach to get the clothes on and off the line.
Saturday: 20 min of stepping on the wii fit plus, also 20 min of yoga on the wii fit plus
Sunday: 6min box, 10min steppin, 11min hola hoop, all on the wii fit plus + 10min walk

As you can see, on the weekend I switched to the wii fit plus.  And I may be switching to that we think.  The reason is that I haven't been building up a sweat while jogging, but I do pretty quickly on the wii fit.  Because my shoulder is starting to get better, but acting up if I use it too much, I'm not allowed to attempt the vidoes again at this point.. :(  Also, with the wii fit, I was way behind a few days ago on the weight loss, and then the last two days is when most of it came off.  So that is another reason we are thinking of me staying with the wii fit for now.  I think I'll try to keep the squats and crunches though on top.  The other great thing about the wii fit is that it records what I did for exercise, which is great.   (No, I have not been paid to brag about the wii fit) ;)

This week we also started, a few days ago, at having a large salad before supper every night.  I HATE salad.  Sorry, I don't think I said that loudly enough.  I HATE salads. :(  Sometimes I can dress them up nice, and make them taste good, they still upset my stomach.  I don't know if I've ever admitted, but my stomach does not like veggies.  I get nauseated, crampy, gassy, and just want to lie down.  But... they are good for you... so, we will keep eating them.  I do eat some veggies, but probably only 2 servings a day compared to the 4-7 you're supposed to have.  We also have decided for the Duke and I, that no junk food will enter the house except on Saturdays, and then, only a small portion as a snack for that day only.  If what we want cannot be bought in a smaller form, then it is saved for the next Saturday, and NOT to be eaten before.

I am not going to change our diet much more than this for this coming week.  I don't want to make overwhelming changes.

So, my question is, how are you all doing with your Spring Fling Challenges?   Have you had to make adjustments that work better for you than you thought at the beginning?  Are you struggling and need some encouragement and cheering?  Have you fallen off the bandwagon but want motivation to get back on?  I'd love to support you in any way I can.  :)  Thank you to all of you who have been supporting me.  :)

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Learned Not To Say "No"

I PURPOSEFULLY said no to the Duke yesterday.

Yes, you read that right.  Me, usually submissive to a fault, flat out said NO.... REPEATEDLY.  *gulp* 

You see, the Duke hasn't been following through.  But he does want to do our first boot camp next weekend.  PRAY FOR MY BEHIND!!!  We bought the book in February, the beginners one, but couldn't do it then because I worked weekends.  Then I was sick... and the Duke waited.  Now apparently I'm all better and in fine form for bootcamp.

Anyone have any contagious colds or flus they want to send my way!???? :)

So, anyway, I was catching up on blogs yesterday and came across Christina's post about the same book we were looking at.  In her post she has a link that goes to her posts about the bootcamp she and Jim did about a year ago.  I decided to skim through them, and then saw the schedule they'd hope to keep during it.  I then curiously STUPIDLY asked if I learned things that might help us with DD, did I have to share?  He said yes.  But then I chickened out.  There schedule has a LOT more spanking than the beginners book has, according to the little the Duke has told me. 

Soon he demanded that I show it to him.  I said no.  He told me again.  I said no.  Then he said "Please?"  Okay, so see, I could see I was winning.  I said no again.  I didn't want my behind tanned more than it needed to be.  :(  But over the course of the next half hour he kept telling me to send it, but sort of laughing.  Since he's had no follow through the last few weeks, and he didn't really seem serious, I brushed it off.  I mean, this was all for my own good... right?

So then he told me he wanted to do maintenance.  I told him that with all the inconsistency lately, I just didn't feel I could honestly be submissive with him.  I felt confused.  I was getting mixed signals.  Some days I'd have to step up and get things done, and then the next, he'd take over and back again.  I told him I needed to know, was I in charge, or was he?  I went about my business.

But then five minutes later I'm being forced into the bedroom.  Told to sit on the bed while he closes the windows in the apartment. I really did think about running off, but as soon as I opened the door I chickened, so I closed it again and plunked my bottom right back on the bed.  He came back and gave one tough spanking session.  Even the warm up was hard.  He told me that when he tells me something, no matter if he seems serious or not, if he tells me he means it, he means it.  So it wasn't a maintenance spanking, it was a full out punishment one.

It actually hurt today when I sat down on a picnic table. :(  But it was so worth it.  And let me tell you, the man that didn't know how to lecture?  SURE got his groove on yesterday!  I felt so chastised in the end, so scolded and so disappointed in myself for disappointing him.

I think this was good.  Not just for me, but for him.  It's the first time he's stepped up when I fought a punishment.  Okay, so I haven't fought them up until now.  I told him I wanted him to work on this, not that I plan to fight him often, or hope to not at all, but if I do, he has the right to take over.  He is always so worried about pushing his way.  I told him when he's a parent, there will be times our kids will try to talk him out of punishing them, and with how he is now, they might win.  So if this helps him, then I'm glad. :)  But my poor bottom in the mean time!

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Alpha Males Hated?

First of all, THANK YOU to everyone that checked in on me after my last post.  The comments, emails, and google chats were so helpful.  I won't make you blush by mentioning you by name, but you all know who you are. :)

I especially loved when you each shared your story.  I had no idea how not alone I was.  I hate that so many of us are hurting, or have hurt in the past, but I'm so glad that we can talk about it here.  {{{HUGS}}} to all of you out there that need one. :)

So, yesterday Missy admitted to wanting some good books to read.  I won't lie, I'm ALWAYS on the look out for good books.  My kindle has over 1,500 free books on it.  A lot of those though are for later in life, and a lot on parenting, children's books, recipes and so on.  But I LOVE a good clean romance book, but usually only if it has a good alpha male in it, unless it's a comedy.  But a real romance?  I want an alpha male to read about.  My friends will always tell me to read such and such a book, and know the next question I'll ask is if it has an alpha male.  Some even know now not to suggest unless it does.

For me, a book is a place to escape, and I like to escape into a world where the men know what they want, will fight to protect those they love, and who will stand up to the women if they're making mistakes, to the point of telling her what to do.  I don't want to read about a man who doesn't know if he can do this or that, wants the girl or doesn't want the girl, and is all wishy washy.  Yes, they can be unsure of the next step to take, need time to make a decision.  But being a coward, and constantly changing their minds?  NO THANK YOU.  I want to read about a man that goes after what he wants.  Knows right from wrong and doesn't waiver on it, even if it means self sacrifice. I just find that... great, sexy, endearing, what have you. :)

So I decided to look up "Christian Romance Books with Alpha Males".  It doesn't have to be Christian, I just find if I put that in when searching, I'm less likely to find books with sex scenes.  (I'm not a prude... but I have to admit I have a weakness, I have a very hard time with reading and seeing sexual stuff and it not coming up in my mind in the bedroom.  When I'm with the Duke, I want it to be him and me, not also something I remember from what I read or saw that comes up and distracts me during the moment and takes my attention off the Duke.  I know I shouldn't have this problem, but since I do, I'm very careful at what I read and watch.)  Anyway, what turned up when I was searching for a clean romance with an alpha male was disheartening.  Article after article about how ungodly alpha males in novels are, how abusive they are, and how they set women up with unrealistic expectations.

See, the romance novels I like have alpha males with real problems, they do struggle, they do make mistakes, they are human.  But they aren't abusive, and they are upright, putting the needs of others before themselves.  When did it get to be that to be an alpha male was all bad in so many eyes?  This isn't even putting DD into the equation.  Just a man that likes to lead and take care of others.  What is wrong with that?  I can understand why some people have an issue with DD, I see the misunderstanding, or what have you, but to be against alpha males altogether?  WOW.  I don't see the sense.  Men are meant to lead in certain areas of their lives, anthropologically, biblically, socially, it just seems most men feel the need to lead, to assert their masculinity, I have always found this beautiful when done in respect to those they wish to lead.  It amazes me that so many are against even the idea of an alpha male.  And some of these articles were written by men!  (Okay, so this is me being snarky, but probably men who aren't alpha males, wishing they were.)

Or maybe its just me, maybe I have the idea of an alpha male all wrong?  Which, if I do, please feel free to correct me. :)

So anyway, I keep up my search for books with good alpha males, without sex scenes, and maybe some DD ones thrown in.  I admit, after reading the talk around Missy's question for good books, I finally got a blushing book yesterday, the one that is free right now.  It did say one to two sentences about a sex scene, but that was it, and that was great.  I was worried I'd have to put the book down, but it surprised me by ending there, and I was very thankful. :)

Thursday, April 18, 2013

A Little Overwhelmed

I was so upset with the Duke last night.  Not angry upset, but, keen disappointment upset.

Last night was Prayer Meeting.  Except for one other week, I have not been able to attend lately.  Last night two ladies had their new borns.  A 3 1/2 month old, and a 3 week old.

The mother of the 3 1/2 month old let me hold her daughter twice, for extended periods of time, I probably held her an hour in total.  I loved every minute of it.  My heart longs so much for a baby that at times it literally drives me insane.  I have wanted a baby for so long, even more so when we got married five years ago.  Since losing him, I crave a baby with all I have in me.  Holding that baby last night brought me so much peace, I couldn't stop smiling.  Holding a baby just feels so right to me.  I know this sounds so pathetic... but I honestly feel when I'm holding a baby that I'm complete.

Now don't get me wrong.  I don't sit at home and pine and whine because I don't have a baby.  I'm not that obsessed.  But there is the occasional day every few months when I feel my dream slipping away, and I do have a good cry.  But other than that, I don't talk about it often, or make it my whole life.  But I also won't lie.  This is my deepest heart's desire right now.  It is something I yearn for with every ounce of my being.  And just when I think I don't anymore, I'll hear of yet another friend who is pregnant *almost all of them are right now, or just delivered* and my heart will break, no break is not the right word, shatter is more like it, because they will have the joy I have been denied so far.  I do my best to be happy for them, and supportive.  I offer to babysit other kids on days they find rough during pregnancy.  I make each one of them a knitted gift for when the baby is born, and I bring each one a meal when the baby comes.  I do this out of ove, but also selfishly.  Hoping that in trying to be happy for them, I can let go of the pain and be truly happy for them.  Even typing all that here there are tears in my eyes, that is hard to admit, but I want to be honest.

So anyway... When my husband picked me up after prayer meeting last night, I told him that I got to hold the baby.  There was a shake to my voice that I could not hide, no matter how much I tried.  He asked me, kind of curtly, if I was upset.  I could tell that he wasn't going to be pleased if I was hurt.  He really hates to see me sad because he feels he should be able to make everything right in my world, no matter how much I tell him that isn't his job.  When he asked if I was upset, I couldn't talk.  Yes, I was hurt.  There were three women there besides me last night.  Two had new borns and one is 20 weeks pregnant.  I keep waiting for my turn to be pregnant again, and being a month shy of 35, fear my time is ending.

So I felt really hurt last night when the Duke asked if I was upset, because I felt I needed to talk, to process... and I felt with him asking me it in the way he did, that the door was closed for me to do so.  Normally I would have gotten defensive and flung accusations at him until I was mad.  But since DD... last night I just stopped talking.  I'm not sure this was the right way either, but for our 30 minute drive home I was either quiet, or made small talk about things I needed to get done around the house, and if he needed anything done. 

I love holding babies, and don't get to very often.  With so many of my friend's I'm afraid to ask to hold their babies because it is weird between us since we lost our son, and so I wait until there is a chance to offer to help if they need their hands free, or wait for them to offer... which they normally don't...  So I only get to hold a baby a few times a year.  When I get the chance, I really want to take it.  The hurt I'll feel later is so little compared to the joy I feel when I'm holding that baby and making it smile.  And when they fall asleep in my arms, I'm in heaven.

Why was that so hard to communicate to the Duke last night?  I finally did at bed time, I told him I needed those times.  Yes, they would hurt afterwards, but I still wanted to enjoy in babies still whenever I can.  After some talking, he could see my side.  I told him I don't want to give these chances up just because he doesn't ever want to see me upset. 

What I can't figure out is... if I was wrong to tell the Duke this?  Was I wrong to tell him how much this means to me when my pain is at his expense?  I also feel I could have handled the car ride better.  I do not feel silence was right, though I do feel it was a lot better than accusations and then anger.  But in what is right for us, and what is right in DD... I can't for the life of me figure out how, while being a bit sad and shaky... what I could have done better.  I don't want to disrespect my husband.  But at that moment, I really am not sure if there would have been a way for me to calmly talk with him.  Does anyone else have times where they just can't talk?  But need a time to process first?  I do this in our marriage with other things too, but wonder now if this is disrespect as well?

Sorry, just processing through a lot because of last night.  I want to show the Duke all the love I can... and want to make sure I'm not disrespecting him as well.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

What "Bones" Taught Me

So, the Duke comes up with these one liners all the time that just crack me up.  I thought that you might like to get to know the Duke a bit more before I head off into what "Bones" has taught me about submission.

The other night when my parents were over, we gave them our bedroom and we took the futon in the livingroom.  We were joking about after they'd gone to bed, and for some reason, like in my last post about pinging the Duke, I got the urge to do it again!

So... I pinged him... right squared on the nose!
Duke: I’m not a cat
Me: That doesn’t mean I can’t punish you like one *failing miserably at not laughing while saying this*
Duke: Yes, that’s exactly what it means

A little bit later the Duke was trying to jokingly smoother me.  I wanted to sleep.
Me: *complete with sleepy whine* I just want my space
Duke: My space? Isn’t facebook enough for you? *complete with laugher*

So, as you can see, I'm married to a stinker! :)

Anyway... I promised to tell you what I'm learning about submission in the show Bones.  First of all, let me just say... the character of Booth, SO SEXY.  Not because of how he looks, but because of how protective he is of the female lead, Bones.  She is independant, has had to basically take care of herself since her parents disappeared when she was 15.  Booth is an FBI agent.  He is alpha male, protective, can be demanding, and has these cute goofy quirks.  But every once in a while he makes a demand of Bones.  Usually this involves her fighting for her independence and him fighting to protect her.  But all he has to say is five little words for all of this to change.  He will look at her with pure worry in his eyes and say "Can you just trust me?"

Five little words that turn her from defensive to submissive.  Her whole face melts, and her eyes, you can actually see the submission filter in to allow him to take control.  Once she does that, she lets him lead, she lets him take care of her, she does what is asked of her, because deep down, even though she doesn't trust the world, she knows she trusts him.

There are times when she's in danger, and she is told not to believe that Booth will come through, but she does.  He's been there for her, he's protected her at the risk of his own life.  She knows to trust that he won't give up until she is safe again, and that in itself is a submission to not worry.

Now, don't get me wrong, there are still times they fight, there are times he doesn't ask her to trust him and do as he asks and she takes off on her own, but seeing the times she does give in, the times she does trust, it's just beautiful.  She comes to depend on him like no one else.  She knows he will take care of her, be there for her, and help her sort out the things in life that she can't.

I just realized this while watching Bones on Sunday.  And it's something I'm going to talk to my husband about.  Five little words, but I think if he can remember to say them to me at times, it will mean a world of difference to us.  She knew she could trust him, but sometimes the heat of the moment makes us forget we can let go, and she needed to be reminded.  Sometimes we just need the right words said to us to change everything.  When I'm worried, and the Duke can take care of it, I need to be reminded if I'm caught up in the heat of the moment that I DO trust him. 

Monday, April 15, 2013

Spring Fling Challenge, Week 2

I'm here, I survived Week 1!  Now, we did some adjusting to my routine at the end of the week, and have realized we will have to make some adjustments to this weeks as well.  But not majorly. :)

Monday - Did all my work outs, Cleaned for an hour
Tuesday - Did all my work outs except when the Duke said to stop 2-3 minutes before the end because of my shoulder.  Cleaned for an hour.
Wednesday - Did all of my work outs.  Cleaned for two hours.
Thursday - Went hiking for an hour and a half with friends, and also quite a bit of walking while site seeing.  The Duke and I agreed that because I barely sat down all day, that that counted as work out and I wasn't to do more.
Friday - Did five hours of spring cleaning.  Literally gutting out book shelves, reorganizing areas of chaos, getting right down on my hands and knees to areas I can't reach on a daily basis and gutting them out.  I did so much bending, moving and lifting that I was completely exhausted when my parents showed up shortly after that.  The Duke told me to consider that a work out as well.
Saturday - A lot of running around with the parents, was told to also consider this a work out.  Also kept up with housework.  Did dishes several times, made meals from scratch, sweeping, all the daily stuff, even though my parents were there.
Sunday - Took a walk.  Cleaned up after parents left.  Relaxed.  (Will have to tell you what I learned about for submission in some Bones episodes yesterday in my post tomorrow!) :)

Weight Lost - 1.5lb (Not the 2 I wanted, but still, I already feel firmer in certain areas, and stronger, so that is good.) :)  That leaves 18.5lb I hope to lose. 
I will only check my measurements every two weeks.  I hope to lose 8 inches in total from 7 measured areas. (Each bicep, each thigh, hips, waist, bust)

So... as you can see, on Thursday my schedule stopped being followed.  And this is what the Duke wants me to consider.  Up until now I've been quite stationary since I got sick.  The goal of this Spring Fling Challenge is to get active again and back in shape.  We will be using the exercise schedule on most days, but on days I've already been very active to the point of exhaustion, then I am to skip the scheduled exercise because I've already worked out my body.  On days I don't have anything physically demanding (more so than a workout) then I am to strictly keep to my routine.  As I get in more shape, I'll be able to add workouts on top of the running around and house cleaning, but probably not on days like Thursday where I literally was in motion all day including the hiking.

I think this is good.  At first, this REALLY bothered me.  But it's true.  Even if I didn't do the set scheduled exercises, I still REALLY worked my body on Thursday and Friday especially, and quite a bit on Saturday.  The proof above all?  Those three nights, for the first time since I can remember, I slept through the night!  I mean, I had 2-3 times each night where I turned over and was awake for about 10 seconds.  But that is way better than before when I would literally wake up every hour for several minutes at a time, with a 1-2 hour wide awake session sometime in the middle of the night.  I think that is more of what the Duke is impressed with.  I'll have to ask.  It has been so good to sleep through the night every night since Thursday, even though I didn't do as much yesterday, because my body was so worn out from the other three days, it slept really good last night too.  I remember NOTHING from midnight to 7am, and then I feel asleep for another hour and a half!

So anyway.  This is how my Spring Fling Challenge is going.  A bit different than I had hoped, but in all honestly, probably better for me. :)  I hope you too, those of you doing this, are finding what works best for you, even if it means going off your schedule a bit, or totally altogether to find what actually is helping you. :)

So this week I'll be finishing my spring cleaning.  Doing my exercises as much as the Duke sees fit depending on what I done that day already.  I have decided that even if I wear myself out on a day, and don't need to do cardio, I will still keep up with my arm, squat and crunch exercises to continually build up those muscles..  And I'll also be setting our spare room up for being able to work from home.  It has become a storage/collected baby stuff/kids toys for when friends visit with family, and crafting/scrapbooking stuff, type of room.  I have to figure out how to take some stuff out and either get rid of it, or find some other place for it.  Then I have to figure out how to fit a desk in there comfortably.  So that in itself will be a workout!  lol  I see a whole day just around that.  *gulp*  Maybe two if I really make it look good and sort through all the scrapbooking and toys that really deserve a good going over. :)

And after all the spring cleaning is done this week, I will be put on a daily cleaning schedule so that it doesn't build up like this again. :)

Have a great week! :)  And hopefully I didn't disappoint anyone this week by going off schedule a bit. 

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Holding Back?

I am going to try to write this on the sly.  The parents are visiting. :)

So, I meant to get on yesterday, and write to you about the last few days, but then I got into deep cleaning the rest of my house, and once I started, couldn't seem to stop.  And since I so rarely am like this, decided to keep with the motivation as long as it lasted!  :)  I gutted out areas I haven't in a while, reorganized areas that weren't really bad, but weren't as neat as I would like, and so on.  My place has not looked this good in years! :)

Anyway, so in the midst of that, I had an hour between finishing up and them arriving here, and so I spent it putting fresh bedding on their bed, and then I just relaxed.  So I am sorry I lied and didn't write yesterday as promised. :)

So, the thing that I was going over in my head the other day was the sudden, and shocking, want to take control.  Ever since we married, I tell the Duke every time I spend money.  Be it even a dollar, he knows about it because I tell him the next time I see him.  He's never asked me to do so, but I once was with a woman shopping, and she bought a bunch of stuff.  She told me not to tell her husband because she'd already maxed out the credit cards, and she'd hide the clothes she'd bought during that trip and slowly start wearing them.  That REALLY bothered me.  So I tell the Duke now every single time I spend money.  BUT, on Thursday, I didn't want to do this.  I really didn't want to do this. :(  And I'm still not sure why.  I had gone to a local 50's diner and told him about that.  But then the friends going back to the UK had the afternoon free to hang out with me, and the husband of the couple really wanted to get an ice cream at Dairy Queen, so we went there.  I only spent a few dollars, but I didn't want to tell the Duke about it.  He actually called me on his break (I had his cell for the day) and wanted to see how I was doing.  I was at DQ and didn't tell him!

Also, I made another purchase that day that I didn't want to talk to him about.  The Duke's birthday is in March, and mine is in May.  So my parents give us money for our birthday's in the middle.  So, we already had the money, and the Rival 16q Roaster was on sale for $40!!!  I didn't even know such a thing existed.  How much easier would cooking holiday meals be if I could have the oven free of a bird???  I wouldn't have to time making dressing that takes an hour, around making sure the turkey/chicken was still warm!

So I saw it on sale on Saturday.  I thought and debated about it all week.  One, to keep my rule of thinking things over before I buy them, and two, I usually don't spend my birthday money until it's actually my birthday.  But when something is like 70% off, you sometimes have to bend the rules. ;)  So I bought it, but when the Duke seemed all surprised, happy, but surprised to see it in the car on Thursday when I picked him up from work, I didn't want to talk about it.  So two things in one day that I didn't want to let him in on. 

Why?  Not that any of you will have an answer.  I just, still don't know why that was.  In fact, I felt like he has NO RIGHT to know.  That is so against everything I have thought since the very beginning of our marriage.  I wonder if part of it is that the Duke wasn't stepping up to the bat as much this week.  He kind of backed off quite a bit... and maybe that was it.  I understand emotionally he was feeling distant this week, but it was also pushing me away.  But still, I don't think that was it.

I did finally, about five minutes into our trip home, did admit to the DQ ice cream and to buying the roaster.  But I still don't know why I was hesitant.  Once I admitted these to him, I no longer felt he had no right to know, but until then, I did.

If any of you have any idea of what is going on, PLEASE feel free to share! :) 

Okay, so Dad is ready to do some stuff, so I have to sign off, but I promise tomorrow or Monday to catch up on all your blogs!  Thanks for being such a wonderful community, I have made so many great friends on here!  See you all later. :)

Thursday, April 11, 2013

F.ree by Linda Dillow

Hey guys.  Hung out today with friends returning over seas tomorrow, and am SORE from all the climbing and sight seeing we did.  I'm also processing something today, trying to figure out why I thought a thought I thought, so once I have it more figured out tomorrow, I'll share. :)

But I saw this book today, and thought some of you out there might have heard of Linda Dillow before.  I read one of her books, and found some interesting points, so hoping this one will as well.  She has a book today, free on Amazon, for North America for sure, not sure about outside or not.  Just remember to check that it's still $0.00 if you want it for free. :)

What's It Like to Be Married to Me?: And Other Dangerous Questions - by Linda Dillow

*The site just updated to say it will be free all day tomorrow as well, April 12th, in North America.  For those outside of North America, it may be free for you as well, but it won't let me check, sorry. :(

I'm not doing the direct links anymore sorry because those posts were generating a lot of spam mail, but hopefully you all know how to copy and paste. ;)

Have a great night! :)  And I promise to catch up on cyesterday's post's comments either later tonight, or tomorrow. :)

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Exercise, Cleaning, and Parents

Sorry, bit of a longer post than normal, probably will take 3-5 minutes to read. 

For about two months now my right shoulder has really been bothering me.  I had thought all along it was the muscles going across the top of my shoulder that stretch to my neck.  But last night, when working out, it was actually in the joint of the shoulder that really hurt.  At one point I could no longer even rotate the shoulder.

Now, imagine my shock when the Duke looked at me and said I needed to stop.  :(  I was still doing the workout for about a minute without using that one shoulder, but he said to stop.  I was disappointed.  I want to lose weight, I can't be skipping parts of my workout.  I thought I could just ignore the shoulder.  So a minute later came the last exercise in the video, only about 2 minutes until the end, so when it came I thought he'd let me do it since it wasn't rotating my shoulder.  I started getting into position, and was told "No" again.  I was even more shocked.  I seriously thought he only meant for me to stop doing the one exercise that caused me pain.

He let me know that he doesn't want me to be in pain, and he does not want to risk causing damage.  I was disappointed at first, and won't lie, this morning I am a bit disappointed still.  I have been doing really good at keeping up with my exercises up til that point.  I want to do good at this, I want you all to be proud of me, I want to be proud of me, and I want the Duke to be proud of me.  I know he was only looking out for my best interest, but a part of me also felt like he was keeping me from my goal.

After that feeling passed though, I felt great relief.  I was in a LOT of pain in my shoulder, and it wasn't me that quit.  I didn't stop, I kept going, pushing myself.  I can be proud of that.  I can also be proud that I was even exercising at all for it to hurt.  Had I not started this challenge, I wouldn't have even been exercising last night probably.  And I can be proud of the fact that I listened to the Duke, and I can be proud in him that he stepped in when he had to.  Yes, I wanted to keep going, but because he stepped in, it may have kept me from hurting myself more, and I can take the blame off my shoulders for cutting my routine short by 2-3 minutes because it wasn't me that said to stop. :)

The good news about this week as well is my apartment!  And that in itself has been a fully body workout! :)  I got quite behind since being sick.  Not horribly, but I just had clutter piles to deal with, clothes folded but not put away, bathroom needing a good scrub down, getting rid of other clutter that I've had for a while.  I just have too much of some stuff and have to figure out what of it I can give away. 

I love my parents, but they were hoarders.  When I was younger it was not quite as bad as you see on the show, but every year it got worse, last time I saw it, it was as bad as the show.  I have not been home in 11 1/2 years because my dad is worried about my safety on my mother's turf, but I hear it's gotten worse since then.  Now, coming into my house you'd never know I struggle hoarder tendencies, but I really do because of how I was brought up.  I have to force myself twice a year to go through and get rid of the excess I may have accumulated.  Most of this is not bought, thank goodness, but given to me.  And every year I get better at giving stuff away.  My house is NOT where I want it clutter wise, but it is sooooo much better than it was five years ago, each year I learn to give more and more away.  I'd say in the next declutter or two I'll have gotten the skills to get it right where I want it. :)  And even now, is not bad at all, just more than I want.

My main rule in decluttering is this "Have you used it in the past 6 months?  If not, do you REALLY see yourself using it again?"  I used to say in the past two years, but now I don't even do that unless it's a holiday/seasonal item.  And you know what?  I usually never miss what I got rid of.  Once in a rare while I will miss one thing, but only for a minute.

And when shopping now, I have some rules that REALLY help me.

1.  I learned on a show once that you should never spend money on something that you got to enjoy less hours than it took you to work for it.  ie, if it took you 5 hours to get $50, and it costs you $50 to enjoy a toy for 2 hours, it's not worth, but if it took you 5 hours to get $50, and you bought a toy you could enjoy for 20 hours, then it would probably be worth your money.  So now I double, triple, and at times 10x this rule.  I only spend money on something I can get at least double to 10x the time of enjoyment verses time it took to earn the money.

2.  I think while looking at the item "Do you really need this?  You want it, but once it's home, will you actually EVER use it, or will it sit on a shelf or in a bag until you just end up giving it away later?"

3.  If I'm still really wanting it, I walk away and go looking around the store, if at the end of my looking around, I still want it, and it's passed the two previous rules, then I'll get it.  There have been times when I get to the cash, and turn around and take it back.  I've never regretted not buying something to my recollection, but I have regretted many times buying something too quickly.

Adding these three rules to my shopping life has saved me so much money!  Saved me so much guilt.  Saved me SOOOO much clutter! :)

So anyway, I'm catching up on doing house work, probably why my shoulder is sore, put up and took down laundry for the past two days, and the line is WAY over my head, tip toes and stretching over my head high.  But my house looks much better, the Duke is proud of me, and I was not embarrassed last night when company dropped by.  Oh my goodness, if I hadn't cleaned some over the last two days, YIKES, I would have freaked!  This is the main reason the Duke is glad it's clean. :)  He hates seeing me frazzled.

My parents come on Friday for the weekend.  This is part of the reason I want clean besides the fact that I like it clean.  I always try to show them how much fun, how relaxing it can be in a clean space.  They're moving to a smaller place now, and trying to learn how to declutter themselves, and Dad has actually been asking me for some tips, so I'm hoping that while they relax here, they can understand that having all the excess just isn't peaceful.

Anyway, off to see what I can do today with my shoulder now hating me. :(  Thankfully only the bedroom is left, and that is only putting clothes away! Then I can rest until supper needs to be made.  I will be able to do today's exercises because they do not require me to over rotate my arm. :)  The clothes on the line today though... might have to get the Duke to take down for me so that my arm is ready to use again with the videos tomorrow.  0.1kg gain since Monday.... grrrr. lol  *it's muscle... it's muscle... it's muscle*  right?  lol  Hopefully the Duke will not stop any other workouts, hopefully he won't need to.

Monday, April 08, 2013

Ready, Set, Go! - Spring Fling Challenge!

Welcome to the first day of the SPRING FLING CHALLENGE! :)  I am actually writing this the night before and post dating so that it's up first thing in the morning for those of you in an earlier time zone. :)
If you have not heard about this yet, and wish to participate, here are the rules. (you can also look back over my posts on Thursday and Friday.)
Starting today, each person participating is picking something they wish to work on that they normally would struggle at doing.  I'm picking exercising, some other people are picking things like physio, chores, and other things.  It's whatever you decide. :)  Next we are planning on working on these for the next ten weeks.  So if you'd like to join, just let someone here in blog land know you're doing this so that you have someone to keep you accountable, or just write it on your blog. 
Every Monday I plan to make a progress report, and welcome anyone else that wishes to do so as well. :)  I will be honest.  I will let you know if I succeeded on all I hoped to, if I failed and had to be punished, and what my weekly reward is if I do succeed.  I will also let you know about how many inches lost around my arms, waist, hips and thighs, and also how many pounds lost.  I am writing all this down today so that I can keep you updated on the actual numbers lost.  I'm not quite confident enough to admit my real weight and size, so I'll tell you how much I've lost.
I won't lie, I know I shouldn't focus on weight, but I have to be honest, I hope to lose 20lbs in the next 10 weeks.  Which, at my weight, it would be safe to lose even more, but that's my goal.  But more importantly, my goal is to build up my muscles again, and how long I can exercise. :)
This is my exercise chart.  I'm putting it here so that I have to be honest with you.  Now, I plan to do the videos and Couch to 5k in the evenings, and the other exercises in the morning.  When I start my job, I'll see if I can still work like this, and tweak if I can't.  But this chart will end just as I start work, so when I fill out the next chart, I'll know my work hours and be able to plan from there. :)
Now, I have to put this chart up on a wall so that the Duke can see it and I have to mark it off as I do the tasks.  *GULP*  And if I don't complete the tasks, then I have to deal with whatever punishment he sees fit.  If I do all my exercises for the day, I get a sticker.  LOL  I feel so funny about that now!  Now, if I'm really sore from exercising, and seriously can't do all I had planned, then we will talk about it, and after a couple of days, if I still can't keep up, we will see if we have to reevaluate a more realistic goal, but I really believe I can do this.  If I am able to do all that is on the chart for the week, I get a prize from the Duke!  I'm hoping the first week it's something like a foot or back rub!  I'll probably need it!!! :)  - The photo here of the Metabolism Boosting Moves, I thought I'd put up as I didn't the other day, so that that entry on the chart makes sense. :)
Here is a copy of the blank chart I made up if anyone wants to use it for themselves.  You just fill in the number of the week you're on at the top of each week, fill in the exercises you plan to do at the top of the page like I did, and then fill in what you hope to do each of the days.  Just right click it and click to open in a new tab to be able to print the full size, it will fit on one page.
So everyone, here I go, to meet my goal.  Between the Duke, you guys, and my hope to get thin, I feel I have quite the support system.  Thank you so much for all your support! :)

Saturday, April 06, 2013

Bed Time Spanking

Last night did NOT go as planned.

I had to drive a friend this morning to a visit, and so I had to leave the house no later than 7:45am.  So the Duke and I agreed that I'd have to be in bed by 10:45pm last night.  I was already.  I was crawling into bed.  I was settling down, and then I remembered that for my new job, I had to have something done.  Augh.  But in order to do it, I had to have email addresses from my last three employers.  I have addresses, I have phone numbers, but I do not have email addresses for them.  So I was able to find one email address, one boss got back to me, and the other I have not heard from yet.  Yet, the email says I have only two days to get the info, and then take my ID's down to the post office for verification for a criminal record check.  Yet, I can't get the info for the check until I had the emails.  The email I got Thursday night from the company I will work for said I only had two days to get everything done.

So here I was last night, knowing I had to get it done last night as there was no way I'd have had time this morning to do it, trying to get things done when I needed to be in bed.  One thing kept frustrating me after another.  I had to fudge an email address, letting them know what I had for contact info, and that I'd get her email as soon as possible.  I still haven't gotten a hold of her. :(  It took over half an hour, because the pages kept blanking out info I put in, kept back tracking, pages closing without me telling them to, and I was so not in a good mood along with being tired.  At one point of frustration the Duke told me to calm down, and thank goodness he did, because if he hadn't, I probably would have flown, but still, I was cranky.

Well, once everything was done and ready to be checked today at the post office I got a spanking for everything.  I was spanked for a bad attitude, putting things off, and for not being in bed when we'd agreed.  He also lectured me about how it wasn't his fault, or the cats, that I was in a bad mood, and when I yelled around the apartment, they were the ones that had to take my wrath. :(  I told him that he had kept me from loosing my cool.  And I was told that this was just a reminder to think about next time I am angry.  We also talked about how I couldn't really move forward without the other email address, and really couldn't have come up with a way that would have been better.  I would have done it early had I had the information.  And for the last hour before bed I was doing other stuff and so forgot all about it until my head hit the pillow.  I do realize now I should have had something to remind me to do it at least an hour before bed had I had my other boss' email or not.

Because it was so late, and he wanted me in bed, this was not a long spanking that he gave me, only 15-20 hard swats I'd say, but still, I needed it.  He also asked me a question, but I didn't register it, and so I got a few more swats, each one harder than the last until I realized he expected an answer.  He's never done that before, so it really did take me by surprise, and it took the third smack for me to realize what he wanted me to do.  Yep, I'm either that stupid, or was that tired. ;)

Today was good, was really busy, but everything was right between us.  It's not always so the next day if I get frustrated, because there is that thing in the air, that things are unsettled, that I crossed a line I can't as easily go back over, I rang that bell that can't be unrung.  But because he kept me in line, and then corrected me, I had nothing left today to try to fix.  I had nothing today I had to make up for, or apologize for.  There was no guilt weighing me down.  I hadn't said things that would make the Duke question his worth, or question whether or not he could do things right in our marriage.  It was great that we got to avoid all that!  Thank goodness for DD.  It surprises me all the ways it's changing us.  Thank goodness! 

Btw, while taking my friend to her visit we talked.  She is the friend I talk about sometimes that I really wish I could tell about DD, but can't.  She's noticed him stepping up, telling me to do things, and she's so proud of him!  LOL  If she only knew about the spankings, I think she's punch him in the face!  So, KEEPING that quiet!  But glad she's proud of all the rest he's doing.  :)  She does say I need to be taken care of, and is very glad he's doing that.  She's so funny... so odd to be so against the idea of DD, yet loves that he's leading me and telling me what to do.  Go figure.

Now off to bed tonight before I get into more trouble!

Friday, April 05, 2013

Spring Fling Challenge - Prep

Wow, I am so honoured and humbled by the response about doing the Spring Fling Challenge. :)

Now even though this blog post talks about exercising because that is what my challenge is, anyone that wants to participate, just read my last post to see what it's all about. :)  It doesn't have to be about exercise.  It can be about chores, personal improvement, what have you. :)

So, I've put together some work out items I found online in case they will help anyone out there.  Also, Lucy Lou also put up a great one as well about doing squats.  To find that one, she said you can "My Fitness Pal...just google 30 Day Squat Challenge".  It looks intense, but I do want to try to accomplish the 250 squats by the end of my tenth week. :)

So, the first one I really want to try is the Couch to 5K.  I have bad ankles and so have a really hard time running on uneven terrain.  I also don't own a treadmill.  So when I do jog, I jog on the spot.  I talked to a physiotherapist about it once, and she said it was still good.  It'll work different muscles, but it still burns fats and gets the heart right up. :)

I already can jog at least 15 minutes on the spot, even though I haven't been able to work out in almost three months of being sick. I tested it out last night.  So I might just start out at week six on here and work back up to 30 minutes of jogging.  Not sure yet.  But if I do, I have to get to jogging faster as well.  Last night may have been 15 minutes of jogging, but someone in their 80's probably could have outrun me had we been on a track! ;)

I also want to add in on alternating days "The BodyRock Absolute Beginners Workout Routine"  Now this starts out with a lot of squats, so seeing the info that Lucy Lou provided, I want to work them in together. :)  Because I don't do well at squats, I'm going to start out small and only do a few of the 6 videos in this series, and then add a few a week.  The link to this work out is, and this is on youtube.  Each video is about 6 minutes long, and they are all together in a play list. 

So this is my plan for the next four weeks, I'll put up a daily list on Monday so that you can see what I'm supposed to do each day for the next four week. :)  After the four weeks I'll be at a new job, so once I found out that work in that, I'll be able to plan a workout routine around that as well for the final six weeks of this plan. :)  I am sure it'll be much the same as building on what I've been doing for the four weeks, but it'll also give me a chance to reevalute and see if I need to challenge myself more than I have already being doing up to that point. :)
Here are some other workouts that I'm not planning on using, but in case they help anyone out there, thought I'd share what I found.  Just right click them and open in new tab, and they'll load up larger for you and you can see them from there.  The weekly ones can be printed out as five pages, and the three level one will fit on three pages.  I just put them all together so that they'd stay together on here.  I do plan on looking at them later, but right now I feel that in doing the videos above, it'll work out all the same muscles. If you find you can't get a good view of these, and want a copy, just email me and I'll send you out the actual file. :)

So excited guys!  Two days and I then have to be accountable, and with the support, I actually feel VERY motivated.  I even did 15 squats today just to get me ready a bit as I know that's where I'll struggle the most.

Thursday, April 04, 2013

My Spring Fling Challenge!

So, I'm making myself a challenge, and I'm inviting you all to join in! :)

I never thought of myself as a quitter, but I am. In so many areas of my life I push forward, no matter what. But I have found two areas in my life where I do not do this.

I am a quitter at chores.
I am a quitter at exercise.

I am, and even if I get done the amount expected of me in my chores by the Duke, I still don't come close to where I know it needs to be. If he says clean the living room, I'll do a quick tidy some days, knowing that is okay with him. Me, I see the dusting I left undone, the pile of papers on the desk that should have been sorted, the three bags of knitting I should have put away. He'll see that I swept, tidied, put the pillows in order on the sofas, folded up the blankets and put them over the backs of the sofa. But I know I should fully do the job.  I am working at this, and getting better. :)

But exercise? I'm so much worse. I'm feeling sick, I skip it. I'm tired, I skip it. I feel down, I skip it. I have a headache, I skip it. I'm busy, I skip it. So, as you can see, basically if the sun is out, or not, I skip it. I'm breathing or not, I skip it. :( I am SOOOO bad at exercising. I used to be really good. I'd walk two hours a day regardless of anything else. Since losing my son, no. I hate exercising. I need to change.

So, I'm giving myself a challenge after talking with Willie tonight. (Thank you, Willie!)

So I told her about needing to exercise, about how bad I am at getting motivated, and she told me about a program she'd done where you let other people know about your goal. So, I'm stating my goal here. We also tossed ideas around on how to stay motivated, and I'll share those too. :)

Calling this My Spring Fling Challenge

My Goal will be to get serious about exercising and I will have a set goal of weight to lose.

1. It will last for 10 weeks starting this Monday.
2. I will have certain exercise goals each week to accomplish - aiming for five goals a week
3. The Duke wants me to have a chart to keep track of my progress
-Willie suggested I ask for stickers if I have to have a chart, he agreed! hehehe
4. The Duke will give me a reward if I accomplish my tasks each week, his choice of reward
5. Each Monday I have to put down what my goal for exercise and weight loss is at the end of the ten weeks, and tell you all how far I've come in meeting both, and be honest if I've cheated, or missed any exercise days. I am holding myself accountable to myself, to the Duke, and to all of you! :)
- The Duke will also punish me if I cheat. I was going to get him to punish me on weeks I don't lose weight, but he did not think that was fair. So it'll be for days I cheat or don't exercise.

I want to invite anyone out there that has been meaning to meet a goal in their lives to join me. We can all have our own "My Spring Fling Challenge" or just "Spring Fling Challenge", and have ten weeks to meet it. This also gives you the weekend to think over how to execute this goal. It can be for exercise or weight loss like me, or it can be for something else in your life you are struggling to over come. We as a community can be here behind you to help you meet it, to support you, and cheer you on.

I'd really love to have anyone that wishes to join me in this to let me know. :) I'd love to be supporting you as you support me. Or I hope you'll help support me. ;) So if you want to join, I can't wait to see what you write about on Monday. Please invite any and all DD blog friends to join along. :)

We can do this, and I can't wait to do it with you all. :)

So, starting on Monday I'll tell you the exact goals I have to lose weight and exercise, and then I'll write every Monday to tell you how far I've come. I hope you'll all help cheer me on when it gets tough. Yep, I'm that selfish. :) But honest, I'd love your support. Truly.

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

Still Getting His Groove On

So the Duke is still getting his groove on.

I was ordered to bed early last night.  Was told to make his belated birthday cake a certain way, and then changed his mind. LOL  We've been doing devotions again for a few weeks, and have committed to sticking to it this time.  So when I got into bed, I figured he'd want me to go straight to sleep.  Nope, he told me we WOULD be doing devotions.  I laughed, and asked if I could challenge him on it.  He said "NO".  LOL  He's putting his foot down a lot.  And I love it.  I hope I still love it in a month or two. ;)

I have yet to have a punishment spanking throughout all this, but I did fall through on one of my chores today.... so that might be happening?  But I was just so tired today, and had no energy, I'm still fighting this cold, and even though I'm doing better, have a hard time over exherting my body still.  But I think with all that, he'll understand, and I got to do computer work because of it.  I'm actually a bit terrified now of my next punishment spanking.  He's so confident now.  That's going to REALLY HURT!!!  I am going to be on my BEST behaviour for sure!

Been playing around with my blog background for weeks, and tried like 10 of them out today.  None felt right, this one I have up now felt that best, but still, it's not quite what I want, so it will change some day.  So if you were on today and my background kept changing, sorry. ;)  I make all my backgrounds, graphics and title bars from scratch, so I wanted to test them out to see how they really looked on the blog.  I do believe I have the title bar EXACTLY how I want it though. :)  The fun thing was, I'd never tried to make buttons before, so it was fun to make some for the page up now. :)

Monday, April 01, 2013

Good Days

It's all too good.  I don't want to get my hopes up.  I know rough days will still come.  I know that rocky times will still shake us.  But right now, I FEEL SO GOOD.

The Duke has really stepped up.  I was visiting with family today, and wanted more time with them, and that meant he'd get less time with me.  And he let me.

Our landlord was causing a bit of trouble, and I was feeling guilty.  But the Duke told me it wasn't anything I did, and he didn't want me worrying about it.  He was firm about it, and I was so impressed, and I listened.

The house hasn't been kept up, and I've been freaked out that I've been too sick to clean.  Now the last few days I'm actually feeling better, but had too much to do to be able to clean.  So when the landlord wanted to come in today, I was too embarrassed and said I'd rather he not come in.  The Duke asked afterwards how he could help when I'm sick.  That he doesn't like when I'm stressed over how the house looks, and so he wants to do more when I'm sick.  I told him he already does a lot, but he told me he is in charge now, and that also means helping when I can't.  WOW

He also gave me a chore list for tomorrow.  Hugged me through out the evening like crazy, joked with me, and pretended in front of family after a joke that he was taking me into a bedroom for a quicky!!! *BLUSH*  He's so much fun and showing me so much love.  He's never showed me so much love, so much enjoyment just to be around me.

I don't have much to share about what I've learned over the past few days, but I've been doing more studying, reading a new book actually, and am excited to see where this goes with the Duke and I. :)  I am so blessed. :)

 I hope you had a good April Fool's Day.  I didn't do anything, but got to hear about some good pranks that happened this morning. :)