Wednesday, October 26, 2016

An Emotional Wreck

I can't tell you how great it is to have the Duke back me up.  The more we do our marriage, the more we come to depend on each other.  I have a sinus infection, it's been here almost two months, I am on my third round of antibiotics.  Someone suggested on facebook I use a netipot.  But I can't use them.  When I was in grade one, I drowned in a pool, and was revived by a lifeguard.  This happened during school hours, a class trip. 

The thing is, I guess my parents were never told, and the kids in my class made fun of me so much that day, that I never talked about it until I was grown up.  So I can't use the netipot, because when I try, all the sudden, I'm back in that pool, sitting on the bottom, looking up at the kids above me, wondering why they don't see me to help me, with my world going black.

I didn't think anything of admitting this to my friend on facebook, until I got a call from my sister this morning.  She told me no one in the family had ever heard this story, and wanted to know if I had maybe dreamt it, and if not, she wanted to know why I was lying.  I was so hurt.  I don't even know why someone would make something like that up.  My mother used to lie all the time when we were kids, and she asked if I wanted to end up like her with my own daughter.  That hurt A LOT!  I mean, I couldn't even breathe at that point.  She finally said it was between me and God, but I could tell she still thought I was lying.

I spent the morning crying.  I don't even know why.  It just REALLY bothered me.  So when the Duke could finally call on his break, I asked him if he believed me.  And without question, he told me he knew I wouldn't lie to him.  He told me he knew I would only say it if I fully believed it happened.  It was sooo good to have him behind me.  I finally realized that was all I needed.  I didn't lie.  I can't change the past, and to say it didn't happen would then actually be a lie, and it would eat me inside.  I did all I could do in telling the truth, and I can't do more. 

DD has brought us to a place where we can have complete trust in each other.  Yet another way I am so thankful for this lifestyle.  All the communication, it just helps us be honest, and keep honest.  Thank you, Duke, for never having doubted for a second.

Saturday, October 01, 2016

Our New Implement

Here is our new implement... and I have to admit... quietly, that I'm glad we got it.

It is a small dowel, thinner than my pinky.  We got it because my parents are here again and the Duke determined I needed a punishment.  Yet, all we had were paddles.  LOUD paddles.  So, someone online told us on the weekend that their husband uses a dowel on them.  We decided to try it.

Here it is. I cut it down to 15 inches long, and then sanded it down, and added a hockey grip to it, because it was too slippery otherwise.  I figured the last thing we needed in a spanking we needed to be quiet was to have it flying out of his hands and through our mirror or door, and then having to explain that instead of a beating noise. ;)

So my spanking was over my daughter's medicine.  We are now down with ear infections as of June... so of course, she had to go and get tonsillitis.  :(  I forgot two days in a row to give her one of her three daily doses.  On Sunday night I didn't sleep, AT ALL.  I mean it, I feel asleep from 4:30-4:35, and that was it. :(  So, then baby girl was up every night being sick, and I was just trying to function.  I felt horrible.  I bend myself over backwards to take care of her, and I did this.

So the Duke decided I needed a spanking so that I didn't forget again.  Insert bawling, because I was already emotional from being so tired, and I couldn't handle being told I wasn't taking good care of my daughter, who means the world to me.  He then said that even if I'd beaten myself up for missing the two doses, and would never miss again, that he felt I also needed the spanking to let go of all the guilt. 

With parents so close, he didn't even do a warm up with his hand so they didn't hear, he did his best to do a warm up with the dowel.  He spanked just hard enough for this to leave a lasting impression, plus two welts, and put me in the right head space.  I cried, and then needed time to process afterwards.  Which, I am glad I had to take time to process, because the Duke just sat there talking to me while I was over his lap, rubbing my back and bottom in gentle strokes.  I'm not sure I've ever felt that cherished.  It was so nice.

At the suggestion of several people in a chat room I like to go to, we also got a five gallon paint stick to add to our now small collection.  I think they must have different ones than the ones we got here!  LOL  Look how long it is!  It's the one on top.  :)  So this is our collection now.  I think we have ALL we need.  I hope the Duke agrees! ;)

The Duke's Deductions:
Yes, we hadn't spanked in a while and I wasn't planning on it. But I realized talking to EsMay that our child missing her medication was important to me, so I felt like it was my responsibility to do something. I knew that it was a bad week for her and it didn't seem fair to add to it, but I also realized that sometimes it can help to know there are boundaries and consequences, and I thought it would help her to know I did care what happened to our daughter. Anyway, we had already been thinking about how to handle spankings with other non-DD people in the house, and the dowel and paint stick seemed like 2 really good ideas. When I had them in my hands the paint stick still seemed like a paddle, while the dowel seemed like something I hadn't tried yet and I am glad I did. The results of the dowel seemed a bit harsher then I would have expected, which isn't a bad thing. I did want to make sure EsMay wasn't left feeling wrong after the spanking so I tried to make sure she was taken care of after. Anyway I think overall it was a good experience for us so I am glad I tried it.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Accepting "No"

Money is tight right now.  I don't make much money, and the Duke's job is all the sudden not certain.  Due to this, we're trying to be even tighter with money than we already are. 

I don't believe in spoiling my daughter.  She does have a number of toys, but we are very picky about how many, that they are educational, help develop hand eye coordination, manual dexterity, encourage imagination, etc.  Because we don't want to spoil her, I don't ask often to buy her things.  But the other day I saw something I wanted her to have.  We had just bought a used Little People Disney castle with a handful of princesses and princes for a really good price.  I didn't expect her to really play with it yet, but we have a little girl over often that I thought would like it in the mean time.  But baby girl spends a couple hours a day playing with this castle and Little People.

Last week someone was selling the Little People Snow White and Seven Dwarfs set used.  The Duke said no to my getting it.  He knows I want to get more characters for her because of how much she's playing with it, and he's alright with that, but he thought the price was steeper than we should go.  So he said NO.  NO.  He said NO...

It hung in my heart.  I'm not sure why.  It sat there heavy, hurting my feelings for some reason.  He's said no to me dozens of times.  I remember the first few times had hurt similarly, but that hasn't happened in a while.  This time it did.  I felt my need to be submissive WAR with my want to provide this toy to my daughter that I knew she would love.  It hurt to not get this for her.

I know I'm doing the right thing in accepting the Duke's answer, but I am surprised at how much it's still bothering me.  I mean, it's just a toy.  She doesn't even know we were thinking about it, so she won't miss it.  Maybe it's a sadness over money needing to be so tight as well.  Not sure.  I know that if it were a need, he'd probably be more open to me spending the money. 

So here I am, learning how to immerse myself in submission more.  Even though submission can be hard, I am enjoying the beauty.  The Duke is definitely giving more to me time and attention wise.  He's seeing to more of my needs.  He's challenging my submission, and helping it grow.  I spend as much time blushing as I do smiling, but I still am thankful.  Maybe I'll share next post some of the things he's doing... maybe I'll even be brave enough to share some of the ones that make me blush!  Blushing just saying that!  lol 

Monday, September 12, 2016

Bedroom Dynamics

So, I've found that bedroom dynamics really play into our relationship.  And not just in the sense that I find the Duke so incredibly sexy when he leads. :)  Or that I find it hard to think about other things when he has so much of my attention.

What I'm finding about bedroom dynamics is that it helps us when the Duke has lost his stride, and has forgotten to lead.  All it takes is a day he wants to be extra dominating in the bedroom, and then he likes that feel of control and power, that dominance tends to pour out into other areas.  Sometimes just for a day, sometimes for a lot longer.  It's always nice to see him leading by his own devices without my asking if he could help.

Do you find that in your own relationship?  That if you can get your spouse/partner to sink into their role in one area, they'll start doing so in other areas as well?  What seems to naturally spark their interest to return to their role?

Friday, September 09, 2016

New Post - Quick Update

It's been forever since I've been here.  I've missed everyone. :)

First, the reason I've been away is life has just been so busy.  Mostly with a little one who had constant ear infections.  We now have tubes and life is getting so much better!  I have caught up on my house work, and projects in my life that needed tending, and am ready to get back to life. :) I now can sneak some time in while little one plays.  She can play on her own for periods of time, and I actually like to encourage this.  So here I am.

Life has been interesting, and the Duke has been slow getting back into his groove. You know, sometimes it just takes one thing, and that was one day when I sat down to have supper, and couldn't believe how starving I was.  I then said aloud that I couldn't remember if I had eaten yet that day.  I quickly did recall I had a bowl of Mini-Wheats for breakfast, but the Duke was less than impressed.  So now when he calls on his breaks, he checks to see what I've eaten, which is now a rule, along with what I've done around the house for the day.  Spanking is still a bit off right now, especially since my parents are staying with us at the moment.  But I feel his leadership growing again, and feel I'll be feeling my butt a bit more in the near future!  His observations and attention have been very welcome, and I'm enjoying watching him grow into his role again.  He's also smiling more, and I love that. :)

So I'm looking forward to the future.  More time to visit here.  More time to be with the Duke, and enjoy life. :)  More time to have fun. :)  I was catching up on past posts that I had taken down, I realize I'm down to less than fifty to go through, once those are up, I'll feel like I've caught up here too.  I have been processing some things on submission that I'm eager to share in the near future.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Feeling So Contented

(Wow, I guess people liked this page... it counts for over 9k views alone... not sure why it got so many hits, but thank you.)

I sit here feeling so contented.  The Duke has been straying.  Hmmm, not the right word... he's been struggling to get back in control, hesitant like.  He's struggled since his accident almost a year ago.  Literally, in less than a week it'll mark the anniversary.  He's said he wants to do DD, and then doesn't.  He's tired from the baby, and work being stressful, and being on his third cold in a couple months.  He just hasn't wanted to put more onto his plate.

Today he came into our room while I was catching a few minutes to read while baby slept.  He picked up our paddles, and asked what I thought of one.  I looked at him and humbly told him I wasn't ready for that one.  It's a slender one that's meant to inflict a LOT of pain.  Then he picked up our large one, and asked if he could use it on me.  I told him very gently him that if he did, he had to understand he wasn't just spanking me once.  He was stepping back into a lifestyle.  I told him I loved him, but that we either were going to do DD, or we weren't, and it was too confusing to my head to go back and forth.  I made sure to be very respectful, and kept my voice very low and humble, but I needed to be honest.  He put the paddle back away, and I teased and asked if that was his answer, my heart a bit numb trying to process what the symbolism meant.  That is when he picked up our pocket paddled, sat on the bed, and told me to climb over.

So, I want to lie, and tell you I climbed right over with a smile on my face. :)  But, I have never lied to you before (other than to give you a fake name), so no since in starting now.  I didn't panic, but I needed him to talk for a minute.  I couldn't just go from no leadership to a spanking to start us off without at least a few seconds to digest.

Going back to DD is what I've wanted to do, but unlike the first time where it was a need so deep inside myself I couldn't breathe, this time we need it more for him.  I find I do best with leadership, I find I need to live in submission to be my best self, but I don't know if I need the spankings anymore, at least not like I did in the past.  But He does.  He needs to be back in control.  He needs to lead again.  He's gotten depressed again like before we did DD.  Things are chaotic at work, and he needs a place where he can have control. So it wasn't that I didn't want the spanking, I just needed a few seconds to understand this was really happening.  And that is all I needed.  10 seconds, probably not even that.  I did ask him to remember I hadn't been spanked in a while, and so probably couldn't handle the pain level I used to. 

There were a few times it really hurt, and without meaning to, I guess my feet kicked some.  Which was never an issue in the past, as long as I held my position and didn't kick my feet in the way, a little kicking was allowed.  Guess that's gone... :(  It was hard to remain completely still, but I was able to do so after a few painful swats. :)

And then there was a moment where I just felt this deep peace.  All the sudden, during a time I was struggling to accept the pain, the Duke said in whistful tone "This is nice, I like controlling you." and I felt my heart smile.  This is exactly what he needs right now.

He followed up our time with some other demonstrations of his control over me, and then some time with intimacy and cuddling.  I sit here now, baby now up from her nap and playing beside me, and the Duke happier than he's been in a while, and I'm just full of contentment.  Don't get me wrong, we have some real worries right now.  Money is really tight, I won't be able to get the Duke a gift for his birthday afterall, the first time we've ever had to do that.  His job is really stressful right now, and he is in danger of losing it.  The new house needs repairs sooner than we were told or had anticipated that we can't afford right now.  But it'll all be okay.  Life is still good. 

While reading my post, the Duke decided to write again. Yeah! :)

The Duke's Deductions:

Hi guys. I haven't written in like a year on here. There has been so many changes in life in the last year and a half that it is hard to keep or to reach a place where life feels in balance again. Also, we have had family with us so much in the last year and a bit that it feels like  my wife and I never get time alone any more. Anyway, my wife has been so supporting and encouraging between my car accident and all the changes with my work, and I have been feeling a little more HOH-eee since we last had family leave, although up until today it had not come out like this. I had thought about giving a spanking for a while and decided there was no time like the present. Anyway, it's true. I feel like I have so little control in my life, so having her OTK paddle in my hand I felt I had control over her and it felt good. I knew I could stop right then and give her relief, or I could keep spanking and give her pain, and that it was my choice. Anyway, it was an interesting experience and I am glad it gave her peace and contentment.

- PS  Sorry if my old posts are showing up in your feeds as I repost them.  I still have about 80 left, so will try to do 5 or so a day over the next two weeks.  Keeping it to five so that I don't overwhelm your feeds.  I didn't realize this would happen when I took them down.  I apologize for that.  And I'll probably skip weekends to give you a break, and myself as well, as I'm going through every post and comments to make sure we didn't over share personal stuff that didn't matter as much before we had baby.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Your What's Comin To You

I found this the other day on the internet when looking up spanking photos for a future blog post. :)  Wonder if I should try to print it and laminate it on a piece of wood for his birthday coming up?! :)

Maybe I can make the tag line a bit more personal. ;)

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Valentine's Day Fun

I hope you all had a Happy Valentine's Day. :)

We all were sick, with my parents still visiting since Christmas and a few other wrenches into the day, but we still made the best of it. :)  We got Swiss Chalet take out, a family meal, and all ate together in the living room.  Baby girl loved eating picnic style.  We exchanged cards with each other, every year for our Anniversary (January) or Valentine's Day, and we agree upon which before hand, we enchange cards that list at least three reasons why we love each other, are thankful for each other, or to encourage each other.  It has become such a special practice.  We keep them to read through the years.  We hope we never have a really bad year where we question each other's love, or wonder why we even love the other, but if we do, we hope these will come in handy to remind us why we do really love each other, and how we've built this love to last. 

We also exchanged these gifts with each other.

The Duke got me this puppy dog to add to my collection.  I now have four, all from him.

I made these two sets of cards for the Duke.  The love ones had things on them.  One was a night to himself, one is a date night in, he chooses the movie, one is picking out a gift for himself, one is a free wish, and so on. :)  I did 8 of each this time, and made up extras for another time.

I did a set of naughty cards too. ;)  I was going to write things on these, but in the end, decided to leave them blank so that he can fill them in as he likes. ;)  He seemed happy with these. hehehe

These are books we'd found by mistake on amazon, and we decided to order them because they had really good reviews.  The Leading and Supportive Love only came in today, and we wanted to start with it first, so I am excited to read them together. :)  They are about D/s type marriages, which we find we do along with DD, so I am very excited to see if they are any good.  I won't lie, I'm also looking forward to the one on one time with the Duke to read together, and pick each other's brains on hopefully some new thoughts and ideas about this lifestyle. :)

I hope you all had a great Valentine's Day too, even if things weren't perfect. :)

Friday, February 05, 2016

Feeling Giddy

My heart longs to be led.  I can't tell you why.  I can't explain this deep need I feel, or the happy comfort I feel when it happens, but it's there.

Life never stops.  Each time we try to restart DD, something comes up to stop us before we even start.  But now, it looks like we finally are going to be able to take flight.  Baby is starting to sleep through a few hours at a time.  Baby has had a rough go of ear infections and having just turned one, already has 10 teeth with four more trying to come through to torture her.  So hopefully when that is done she'll do even longer sleep stretches. :)  We've also had a steady stream of family staying with us.  Sometimes multiple family members.  And the winter will probably ensure a good couple of months for us to work on getting our groove back.

I am getting excited to try again!  The Duke has started flirting a lot lately.  He's already bought my vday gift, another puppy to add to the collection he started me. :) He's spending more time with us as a famiy, and I feel my heart hungering more each time.  I feel so giddy with excitement. :)  I'm starting to feel that old love again. :)