I Am Worthy
Not words I could have said before, but, right now, I am starting to be able to say it.
I Am Worthy.
These should be simple words to say as a person, but I have struggled with self worth my whole life. I was abused as a child, the words I heard was that I was hated, unwanted, that I'd ruined my mother's life. It gets so much worse, and I will spare you the details.
I love the Duke, but he's never really given many compliments either. They just aren't something he thinks on. He thinks the world of me, and loves me very much, it just isn't something he thinks of. The few I get, I've hung on to like a dehydrated man holding onto a newly found jug of water.
The chat room I told you about, about a month ago, and I'm so sorry to have been away so long, this room has been so wonderful for me. They really love people there, just as they are, without trying to change them. Well, me they're trying to change, on one thing. My self esteem. They wish I could see myself in a better light. So, one Master took it upon himself to start that change. He started telling me I was worthy. Then last week I said to him that for that one moment, I could say it. I wrote "I am worthy". I thought it would only be a moment. Just a blip. But he asked me to say it again. So I did. He asked me to say it louder, so I did in capital letters. He then asked me to shout it, so I added several explanation points after it. *giggles*
And then came the challenge. "Go shout it in the main room." I choked for a few seconds. Being able to say it to him, and being able to say it in a room full of people, granted I've never met them, but still, were two totally different things. But I did. I went into that room and said
"I AM WORTHY!!!!!!!!"
Let's just say, when a whole room knows you have self confidence issues, and you go in and do that... you get A LOT of compliments, and finallys, and thank goodness you see it now. *giggles*
Then, in that same room, that Master came out and told me he wanted me to make a sign to put up that I would see every morning when I wake up that said those words. Because baby girl still has a lot of bad nights, and I often am in there, I made a sign for her room, and our room. He also told me to go to a mirror 2-3 times a day, and say those words to myself while looking at myself. This was at the beginning of last week, and let me tell you, it's working. It's really working. And it's also helping because the people that were in the room that day, if they see me on another time, they tell me again that I'm worthy. :)
This Master says every submissive has a wonderful gift to give in their submission, that they are strong, beautiful, worthy and so much more, and that he wishes every submissive could see this about themselves. So, I'm submissive, and in that, I'm learning I am beautiful, smart, strong, worthy, and I'm told by many that I make the room smile and light it up... those are hard to say, but, I'm going to work on embracing them all. I have decided to start a compliments journal. A small book with compliments I get, so that when the lies of the past start to overwhelm me, I can pull it out and remind myself how others see me. :)
The Duke is LOVING how my confidence is growing. He and this Master talk, they are becoming friends too. When I was told I was no longer allowed to say bad things about myself in the room, the Duke made it a HARD rule at home too. Like I can't even say "I can't believe I was that stupid." or "I made a pathetic attempt to do (insert thing). I am not allowed to use any sentence that talks about me and says the word stupid, pathetic, unworthy, or idiot, even if I'm not talking about myself. I stand no chance at bad self esteem anymore if everyone has a say about it. It kind of makes me feel really loved. *blush*
I am not an artist by hand, I love to do digital art, but to draw, hahaha. That eye I did a few months ago was only because I followed a youtube video, all 30 plus minutes, bit by bit. So, these aren't works of art. Still, they're my saying, ready to go on the walls. :) If you struggle like I have, I hope you can take this task I was given, and try it on yourself. :) You are worthy too. :) :)
I got the ideas for the doodles by looking up bullet journal doodles. :) As you can see, baby girl got a hold of the one for her room and wrinkled it a bit. hehehe
