Sunday, September 22, 2013

A Lie Fixed

I have been so behind in blogs that I thought news I have would be one of a kind news, but after catching up today, I realize I am not the only one celebrating this today. :)

Last night I told my best friend about DD. :) If you remember, a month or so ago, she'd flat out asked me if my husband paddled me, and I lied because I could hear the panic and disgust in her voice. But last night we were hanging out for hours, and I finally had to break down and tell her. I hate that I told a lie, and I had to set it right.

After talking for about ten to fifteen minutes, she understood a lot more. It's not for her, but she does see how happy we are. She did joke though that she will now have to tell me the occasional paddle joke just to tease me. :) I double checked with her when I left that she was okay, and when I got home and called her to let her know I got home safe, I rechecked again, and she said she was totally fine.

So now my two best friends know. My other friend gets it a lot more the one that is now moved and I never ge to see, but at least I have been honest with this friend now and the lie is gone between us. I feel really good about that. And I'm glad that she sees how happy I am, and she even sees how much more sure of himself the Duke is.

I'm glad I don't have to be so censored now in my comments, I think it will really help my stress levels when I'm with her because before this we didn't keep secrets.

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. :)

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Cuddling Can Fix So Much

First of all, THANK YOU to everyone that replied to my post last night.  I was really in a bad place and I can't thank you guys enough for your support. 

Well we went to be just after midnight last night.  I usually go to bed at 11:00pm, but it has not been happening this week.  So we went to bed... about as far apart as we could be.  Not because we were upset, but because that's just where our headspace was.  We used to sleep like that all the time, it's just what became comfortable.  But I needed him.  I needed to make things right.

I can't remember who made the first move.  If he did, I was already thinking it, if I did, I think he was already thinking it.  We just kind of came together, and he held me, I mean, really held me.  That alone broke down so many walls for the both of us.  And once we were touching, I curled right into him, needing all of this strength to surround me, and he did not disappoint. 

We talked, and talked.  I said I was sorry, I told him how glad I was that he is stepping out and that I still know he is great, and doing great in this new lifestyle we have chosen.  We talked about what had happened, he looked over my butt to make sure I was okay.  We talked about how if this is becoming too much for him, we can step back, but he said he didn't want to.  He really likes how our dynamic is growing, and does not want to go back.  I was glad, even with all the hurt from last night, I don't want to EVER go back, and it's always good to hear him say the same. 

I realize I'm becoming very soft towards him.  I don't know how to explain that right, but just, over all, feeling soft.  Not soft like I'm weak, or that I'm being walked all over.  But soft as in a softening towards him, a softening of being able to become more feminine, more gentle, more loving, more open.  If any of that makes sense.

It was after one in the morning before we were done talking and cuddling, and I fell asleep happy, not caring that I'd get only 6 hours of sleep.  The Duke was so quiet this morning that I got another half an hour sleep before I had to be up.  It was so nice.

There is still a little difference today, but  unlike normal, I'm not going to dissect it.  I'm just going to let it be, and keep heading it in a good direction no matter what it turns out to be, and the Duke will be there with me to help and do the same.  Though to be honest, I think it honestly is just that I'm tired and feel an early bedtime will be enforced tonight.  ;)

Now I'm off to play a video game on the wii with him for a bit before bed. :)  He got one he knew I'd like so that we can play it together and have been playing it off and on together for the past few weeks.  It's nice, we haven't done that in years.  :)  And how often do you get to say to your husband "No, I don't want to go to bed yet because I'm not done fighting with you." and it be about a game where you fight together against bad guys and not in real life when you're fighting against each other. ;)

Have a good night everyone.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

One Bruising Spanking

Right now I am sitting on a bruised behind.  If you remember correctly, you'll know I don't easily bruise, so you'll sadly know how bad this spanking was.  I disrespected the Duke.  I know... I already feel horrible, so no worries that I didn't learn my lesson.

Last night we did maintenance.  I was away for the weekend to a ladies retreat, and on Saturday evening when I got back, I was just plain too tired for him to do it and begged him, with paddle already in his hand, to please do it another night.  Well, by last night, I was off kilter, I already was from the emotionally over charged retreat... hmmm why is it call retreat when you go to grow and learn and push yourself?  Anyway... so he spanked me, but with no talking.  Literally, up and over his lap and paddled.

I needed talking, I needed something, we hadn't connected for a few days before I left really, and really hadn't after I had gotten back.  I just was not in the headspace to take a spanking.  So, I ragged on him for not talking to me, and trying to make me submit to a spanking when I felt there was no real connection between us.  Ugh, I know!  It wasn't as bad as it would have been when we started, not as bad by far, but still more disrespect than I should ever show him.

He lost all confidence... YIKES. :(  I hated that, so we talked, and talked, and talked.  And then, I got paddled harder than I ever thought possible.  I never understood when it was said that within three strikes your bottom could literally be on fire, well let me tell you, I SO UNDERSTAND NOW!!!  I'm not sure I made it to three before the fire was burning so hot I didn't know how I'd stand it.  Another 20-40 or so rained down on my bottom and I could NOT hold my position, something I've been doing really well at lately.  I was so upset with myself for that.

We talked and cuddled, but some things are still off today, and that really bothers me.  He is such a great guy, and I went and made him question himself.  I'm hoping and praying we can get back to the rhythm we had going just two weeks ago, maybe even better, but I'd settle for what it was.

So now to see how we can get back... I think I need to catch up on some rest before I can get back to my happy, submissive self again.  Too many late nights from everything being so busy.  And here I am again, an hour late to bed... but I had to write... ok, I guess it could have waited, but I feel so... unsettled and had to get this out.

This post may not make much sense, sorry, I really am that tired, so if it doesn't, just disregard all I said and chalk it up to "EsMay's crazy".  I hope you all have a good night.  I better hit they hay.

Sunday, September 08, 2013

Quick Save!

So, as I said a few weeks ago, I was going to start asking the Duke open ended questions because I get no where when I ask closed ones.  So today I was asking his opinion on something, the Duke had said something in church that made everyone, and I mean everyone, laugh.  He told me at home that he didn't mean for it to be funny, so I wanted to make sure his feelings weren't hurt.  I asked him if he felt made fun of or that everyone was laughing at him.  Woops.  So when he said he didn't really feel either, I remembered my promise about open ended questions

EsMay "How do you feel about it then?"

The Duke "I actually feel okay about it.  I didn't feel bad about it or anything."

EsMay "Forgot that I have to start asking you open ended question."

The Duke  "If you keep asking me open ended questions, I think I'll start answering 'good' for them all."  Insert sarcastic grin.

EsMay "You do that and I'm going to beat you with a stick!"  OOPS Quick overly serene grin.  "In love of course." LOL

Oh, that could have been so bad for me!  lol  Thankfully he let me go at that and he didn't call me out for it. :)

Also, cute thing happened today.  It was raining a deluge today, and we were out with a number of families with our church for lunch.  When we went to go home, the Duke ordered me to wait at the door of the restaurant so that he could pull the car around for me.  Usually I drive, and usually I get the car with him.  It was nice, I felt so protected. :)

And the wooden hairbrush?  The Duke tried it last night for maintenance, and he was not a fan, so for my hair it is! :)  Tried it this morning, might be the best hairbrush I've ever had.  It has two different types of bristles, and I'm so glad it's not for my bottom. ;) 

Hope you all have a wonderful week! :)

Saturday, September 07, 2013

Enjoying When It's Good

You know, a few weeks ago, Callie M had a post about televisions in the bedroom.  I really liked the post.  I have to admit at the time I could freely say that we had one in the bedroom, but that it never got watched.  And I mean never, I could probably give you an accurate count of the times we needed it in the five and a half years we've been married.  But this week?  That totally went out the window.

I've been sore this week, so after a long day at work, I've wanted to lay down.  So I'd grab my laptop after supper and head to lay down on the bed.  I'd have my feet up near the headboard, and my head down near the foot of the bed with the laptop in front of me, I'd be propoped up with a feather pillow under my chest and slightly up on my elbows.  So... the Duke, wanting to be close to me as much as I want to be close to him lately, came into the bedroom those nights, and turned on the TV, got netflix up on the wii, and watched some TV.  {Had the wii in there while my parents were visiting and haven't put it back.}  Now, we looked so much like the picture on Callie's post, well I was laying down, but the Duke is up against the headboard and I'm spread out.  BUT our difference is that the Duke sits there and rubs my bottom.  *blush* hehehe  He will at times give a smack or two and laugh.  I pretend to be indignant, lol.  If I sit up more towards the head of the bed, he sits and rubs and scratches my back.  I keep turning around to show him what I'm doing on the computer, and we talk.  It's amazing how much we can do two different things, and still be so engaged. :) 

This was NOT us a year ago.  If I was sore and went to lay down in the bedroom, the Duke would have stayed out in the living room on his computer or watching the TV there.  We would have had nights and nights, weeks and weeks, heck, months and months of little to no communication.  It was killing me.  Now, even a night we're not setting aside for just the two of us, is becoming great bonding times. :)  I got to share a lot with him too about what I'm learning in other blogs that I'm reading, and get his opinion on church work I do on my laptop, and just chat more.  It's amazing how many small little areas this lifestyle has blessed for us.

Have to say, as much as I never used the TV before, I'm so glad it's in the bedroom now.  lol  I won't be in there often, hoping the soreness in my body leaves soon, but so glad it's there for now while I need to rest. :)  He is so good to me. :) 

Last year I was crying, wondering how I'd survive another year of marriage, my heart dying inside of me feeling so unloved and not wanted.  Now, I want to shout my love from the roof tops.  I know there are many spills and mistakes a head, we'll both hurt each other, and outside things will hurt us, and I want to tame my joy knowing that.  But I'm realizing something.  The good times come, the bad times come.  Do I really want to diminish my joy when it's good?  Right now I could be focusing on the fact that it's another month I'm not pregnant.  Another month the tenants next door are complaining.  Another month we don't have our own house.  Another month I still am not at the weight I want to be.  Another month the apartment is not as decluttered as I want.  But I'm not, I want to revel in the good.  I want to revel in what is going right right now.  There will be hard times, but maybe if I fully enjoy the good, and not sit and wait for the bad, the bad won't be so bad.  I've never let myself truly enjoy the good, because every time I tried, something HORRIBLE happened next.  Here's hoping nothing horrible is around the corner, but if it is, not enjoying right now won't stop it from coming.

Oh, and found a wooden hair brush yesterday.  I'm in desperate need of a new hairbrush... so it's yet to be decided if this is for the Duke, or for me. I'll let you know how that turns out.  I guess either way, it'll be used on me.  lol

Thursday, September 05, 2013

Is This Normal?

I have a weird question... and no one out there has to admit if you're in the same boat as me or not... but thought I'd put it out there in case anyone was willing to share.

As DD progresses, I find I'm dealing with issues I never knew I had to deal with.

I have a complex all the sudden, I wouldn't call it a father complex... but that is probably the closest thing I can think of.  I was never cared for as a child.  I was the eldest of four children with a bed ridden {by choice} mother and a work-a-holic father.  I was always taking care of everyone else, I literally raised my younger siblings in so many ways that I shouldn't have had to.  I love my dad, love him to pieces, but he is very passive, and never did he believe me to rescue me from my very abusive mother.  He believes me now... but it wasn't until my mid 20's that it clicked in his brain all that wasn't right when we were kids.

The whole time I was growing up, I never felt cared for.  Now that the Duke is stepping up, I just feel this yearning building inside of me for more, a craving I never knew I had.  I feel cared for now, I feel important, I feel like he'll step up and protect me from the dangers out there.

So all the sudden, I have moments where I feel a lot younger.  I don't think I feel like a child in these moments, but not having a childhood, I can't say for sure.  But all the sudden I feel a lot younger than my 35 years at times.  I cuddle into his chest almost like a child would and just desperately want him to hold and cradle me.  I have this need to feel cared for and protected.  I grin like a love sick teenager when I know I get to see him again.  I crave his guidance and almost am tempted to push the limits like a teenager would, but I don't... well usually. ;)  There are times my voice even softens.  I swear, anyone watching would groan.

Yet at other times I feel my age, I feel my maturity, and wonder why those moments happen.  I don't feel bad when they do, and I don't feel stupid or anything, but they do surprise me.  Well I guess at first I felt stupid by these moments, but the Duke likes the innocence and submissiveness that this fosters, and likes how much I depend on him in these moments, so he helped chase my fears away.  I do feel all this is because I never had anyone take this role in my life to actually take care of me, but I could be totally off too. 

So I guess, I'm just wondering... does this happen to others as well?  Or am I in more need or therapy than ever?  lol  Btw, I have healed from my past, God has been very good to me that way.  I only wrote it down to show how being cared for is so very foreign to me.  I have to admit, now that I know what it's like, I'm not sure I could ever give it up again.

PS  Haven't gotten to blogs in a few days, but aim to this weekend.  Totally swamped this week, but did want to get this post out while it was going through my head.

Tuesday, September 03, 2013

It's Clicking

There hasn't been a lot of eye opening revelations for me this week, but I think the Duke is finally stepping into his role, and not just stepping forward.  He's becoming the Head of our Household, and not just trying to be.

Some things he's done lately just because it's becoming who he is.

1.  Taken over driving when I was having a hard time

2.  Told me not to swear when a bad word came out of my mouth... in all honesty, I'd just made this huge salad, it took a while, I was flat out exhausted, and then when I went to put the lid on, half the salad up ended into my silverware drawer... I mean... come on... you guys see my side in this... right??? ;)

3.  He's getting unbending in my bedtime rule, which is allowed to be made earlier apparently if I'm showing signs of fatigue... I do not consider not being able to walk in a straight line a show of fatigue... just saying. ;)

4.  I was getting sick one night and wanted something from the store, it was pouring outside, I was told I wasn't going, he was.  But it was me that wanted something, so I told him it was okay, and I'd be right back.  Boy did he put his foot down fast, telling me I was already sick and he was going to see to it that I didn't sicker.

And when I look at the past month, it's been growing and growing.  Here are some things that happened throughout the past month.

5.  A friend asked him and I over to hang out, only to find out at the end of the phone convo with me it sounded like we were going to some kind of sales party, but for some weird reason my friend wouldn't tell me what he was selling.  My friend has bipolar, and is sometimes an easy target for those wanting to take advantage of the weak, and this REALLY bothers me.  The Duke talked to him, sounds like some kind of pyramid scheme, and so the Duke spend some time talking to him, and also saying we wouldn't be interested.

6.  The next door tenants were giving us a lot of grief, and so the Duke went over and handled it all for me.  They'd manipulated a situation and said I'd said something that I HAD NOT said.  They asked to talk to me apparently, and the Duke said they weren't going to talk to me about it, and told them exactly what I had said.  When the Duke confirmed with me later to make sure I remembered right what I had said to them, I told him I could do one better, I showed him the email I had sent all the info in.  It was so good he backed me up.  I did feel hurt slightly that he had to check back with me, but I understand his doing so as well, and he never once let that on with the tenants, thank goodness.

7.  I have been getting more quick spankings, like 10-20 on the spot spanks to show he's serious about something when I don't quite think he is.

8.  When we were camping, something upset him, normally he'd never tell me, and I'd never know, but this time he did.  I felt bad, but it's showing me a way in which I can help avoid frustrating him again.

So nothing major to report, but it is nice to see the Duke settling in, and not just trying to live this lifestyle, but actually living it and it becoming something we just do, and don't have to work so hard at now.  He even told me today he's feeling more like it's who we are now.  This week or two, the Duke has really had a lot click in his head, I can see it.  He's also hugging and cuddling me more... so not complaining about that. :)

Hope you are having a good week. :)