Wednesday, December 25, 2013


I am just so thankful to you all!  I don't have two minutes to rub together to reply to your comments, and can't promise to before Sunday, this week is about to go insane with Christmas, being maid of honour in a wedding, and many other things.  But you guys, thank you so much for your advice and support, they really helped me to calm down today and really get down to fixing all this. 

The Duke and I talked, it was good, and I'll share about it when I get the chance, you'll love the new break through we had... though I'm okay if we take a break from them!  lol  He said he might write a post himself.  Anyone want to encourage him???? ;) ;)

But just wanted to wish you all a MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! :)  And to show you how absolutely cruel the Duke is to our two cats!  This is J, the one that isn't diabetic.  The Duke does this to them both every year.  *shaking head*  Poor suffering animals.  Yes, it is a Santa hat and beard.  lol


I won't be around probably, but I'll try to reconnect next week.  Thanks for everything everyone, I so needed you today, and you were there.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013


I have a major headache... maybe that is helping blow everything out of proportion... or maybe I really should feel as angry and hurt right now as I do.

We have been insanely busy, with no time to get the things I need to done.  Then this weekend I was going to have some time, and my body crashed, hard.  I don't know what happened, I couldn't even use my legs. :(  I guess I should see a doctor about this, it's the second time this month my body did a full out crash after exhaustion.

So last night, I was scrambling, I had to wrap the presents for the Duke's family, I had to cut his hair, I had to hem his new tux pants for the wedding this week, get clean clothes to pack for him.  Things I'd planned to do in the week when we got storm stayed away for two nights.  Things that I really had no time to do now, but had to, and I was doing it all for him.  So I was up until one in the morning while all he had to do was sit still for a hair cut. 

We have had days of freezing rain, and I asked the Duke last night if we were all shovelled out, he said yes.  I told him we needed to leave by 8:50 this morning, and could he please go and start de-icing and heating and scraping the cay by 8:30.  He said yes. 

I woke up at 6:30 with a horrible headache, not a migraine, I've never had a headache like this before.  I decided to get my cat bathed then since I couldn't go back to sleep.  I had to bathe him today anyway, he's diabetic and will be staying with a friend over the holidays, but her brother who is visiting is allergic.  We find if I bathe my cat first, he's less likely to cause allergies.

So I went back to bed after at around 6:45, my head just throbbing, and asked the Duke if he'd remember to be out at the car at 8:30, he was already up and at the computer.  He said he would.

I woke back up at 8:37 with the Duke JUST THEN coming into our room to get dressed for the day.  I had my alarm set for 8:40 so that I'd just have ten minutes to jump into clothes and take him to work.  I was coming back home after, so I would shower and do all that when I got back. Well, he couldn't find the keys, then had me look everywhere for them, only to find them in his pants that I had to ORDER him to go look for because he was so sure I had them.

We didn't get to the car until 8:49, one minute before we were supposed to leave with literally half an inch of ice, over the whole car.  I was livid at him, and the driveway was NOT shovelled like he told me.  My head was still pounding, and I had to shovel hard and fast, I had to POUND at our car doors and windows to get the ice off.  The garbage he is responsible to take care of was still not out, he feeds the cats in the morning and gives our diabetic cat his needle, he hadn't done that either.  He also needed to get gas because with my tennis elbow and tendonitis, and being so short, I can't reach in and get the lever in our trunk very well to release the gas door, don't ask, it's a horrible system. :(  Needless to say, I had to get the gas on the way home.

He had been up for over two hours before he had to go out to the car... why hadn't he?  He had no answer but to say he was sorry, over and over like a chant.  Have I ever said how much I HATE THAT.  Hate it, who wants a husband stepping aside while things need to be done and chanting, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry?

I literally almost passed out three times from the intense pounding in my head while I shovelled and chopped at ice.  I wish I was exaggerating to you.  We HAD to get him to work on time so that he gets paid for having tomorrow off.  If he was late, he'd lose his holiday pay.

I feel so hurt.  My head is still killing me.  I have not been able to let go of the hurt and anger, I never hold onto anger, I don't know that I've ever been angry more than an hour.  Well now we're at four hours, and I still could have a go at him if he were here, which I did do in the car while driving him to work.  I have been working my butt off to get things ready for Christmas for weeks, that was the only thing I asked of him.  The only thing.  It hurt even more because he knew how much pain I was in when I was up earlier this morning, and because he knew how much we need his holiday pay this month to make ends meet. 

I just, feel a promise was broken, feel lied to, feel unwanted and unworthy.  I feel like it didn't matter that I was in pain, that I've been working my butt off, that I've done so much to help him out.  I feel like, he was punishing me for daring to ask him to do this one single thing to help me out.  He told me once I don't trust him with doing things on time, so it was REALLY hard for me to do so on this one, that is why I did a double check this morning with him, and did it very nicely and respectfully.  Once I did that, I refused to set my alarm to get up and check that he'd do it.  I refused to ask him again about it, I refused to check up and make sure he kept his word.  He promised, I was going to take him at his word...

Please ladies, I need your perspective, because right now, I'm so very hurt, and I'm sure the pain in my head is not helping me process.  If any of you have any advice, or point of view so that I can see this differently, I will welcome it.  I just... can't believe how hurt I am over this one thing... I shouldn't be... right?  Things have been going so good... I shouldn't let this hurt me... but it does...

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Your Questions Answered

Tomorrow I have the whole day off, and as long as the power does not go out with the storm, I should be able to catch up with comments here, and on your blog posts. :)

As promised, here are the answers to the questions you guys gave us. We answered them apart and without discussing them so that we could learn more from each other's answers. :)

EsMay's answers are in pink, the Duke's in blue.

Kenzie - I have a question for the both of you, what has been the biggest challenge so far when it comes to TTWD, and what do you want to work on the most this next year?

This year I really hope to work on gathering submission exercises, and apply them to my daily living. The Duke already knows this, so it won't surprise him, but I'm making a list of things he can ask of me too for submission exercises. I've been looking online, and doing a lot of thinking. Have not found much, but I think any ideas will be very helpful to him. He really wants to do this, but creativity is not his strong suit, and that is okay. :) These exercises are not for him to keep me constantly submissive, that is my job to work on, but they can help, but can also help him feel more in control as well. If any of you have any ideas I might be able to add to the list, I would SO LOVE them! :) I want to learn to be more submissive, more soft, more sweet.

I would say the biggest challenge for me this year was staying consistent especially at times where I was tired or stressed from work. I would just want to come home and relax and it is a challenge to work on TTWD when I do not feel that great. So I guess the next year I would like to work on pushing on when I feel tired or unhappy and still enforce rules as an HOH.

Jennelle - My question.. What's the one thing you wished you did differently? and what's the one thing you're most proud of?

On thing I wish I hadn't done was challenge and provoke the Duke. There were times I flat out challenged his ability to lead... and I am SO ashamed of that. And you know, of course, it back fired. My challenging him did not get him to step up and take the lead, no, it made him question the progress he'd already made, made him wonder if he was growing at all, doing any good. I made him question his masculinity, and his ability to step up. Instead of challenging, I took the rug out from under his feet. I wish I'd know that that could happen before... and to this day, I'll take the rug out from under him from time to time without even meaning to, but now we know how to get past that and keep working on growing.

The thing I'm most proud of is that I actually look for ways to please the Duke now. When we started, I was so low on love, all I could do was seek to take. But now after fighting to make our marriage work, using strength I didn't think I had, I now have love coming in so that it's much easier to give love out. I now am happy to go out of my way to do things that will help or please the Duke. I am eager to please him, and make him proud of me. I always hoped I would be, but part of me always doubted I would grow into that part of the role. I am very glad I have, so much so that sometimes the Duke will ask me not to help, and I'll fight to help, and then I have to remember to be obedient over helpful. Case in point, he shovelled the driveway last night, and I was not allowed to help, even though I wanted to, even if it would have made his job easier, I was to stay inside,and except for running up the street for some pop he wanted, that is just what I did. It was hard, but being obedient was worth it.

I guess I wish I was more consistent overall in enforcing rules in punishments since I did find it hard at times. I am most proud that we are still doing this after this amount of time. I was worried that it was just going to be one of those things that we would lose interest in as a couple over time but we have found it a lot more useful than I would have guessed.
Clara Baker - What day to day ways do you two use to keep your "roles" from slipping? Especially you EsMay, when you want to be in a mindset of obeying and following but you feel like day to day issues are pushing that aside is their something that helps keep you there?

Clara... that is a hard one. If I'm PMSing, no matter what I do, unless I have the Duke's help, I find being submissive on my own very hard, and when I try it, I actually feel like I'm the one in control, instead of feeling the submission sink in. During those few days, try as I might, the more I try to be submissive, the more I feel doing so means control.. go figure. Other than that, I try to put what the Duke needs ahead of what I need. When I want to blow up, I ask myself what I really want to get out of a situation. Does blowing up really get me closer to my goal? Not usually, so a reminder in submission and going about it in a more diplomatic approach is called for. I am starting to come home and change into a thong and a dress to help me feel submissive. I am a nanny who gets down and plays with the kids, so this attire is not suitable for work, but I am trying to remember to change as soon as I get in the door. I will also do my hair. For some reason, adjusting the physical on me changes my mindset a lot, which I never thought before, and so paid very little attention to how I looked. I'll also remind myself that I want to be submissive, that I want to please the Duke, that I want to give him control. I am still learning ways, and as I said in my first answer, want to devote my year this year to learning ways to do this better. :)

I have a hard time keeping my roles from slipping in the day to day, I guess because in my normal life I’ve always been passive and more of a follower. I guess just trying to remember how important this is and how hard it is to regain ground after you slip is the way I try to keep from slipping.
George K - If you and the Duke were magically transported back in time to say the 1840's, what occupation would the Duke have and if you also wanted a job, what would it be?

Perhaps y'all would be a couple like Marshall Dillon and Miss Kitty in Gunsmoke or maybe Hallie Stoddard and Tom Doniphon in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance? Or maybe neither!

Do you think that the DD lifestyle would be more accepted as the natural way back in those days?

Hmmm, what job would the Duke have? The Duke does not believe me, but he has an alpha male in him, it was just severely tempered by his mother while he was growing up. I honestly see him running a ranch, and having several hands underneath him. I see him knowing what he wants, what needs to be done, being sure of himself, and taking crap from no one, not even his brat of a wife. ;) I see him smiling, teasing, yet knowing when to be firm. I see him loving, and helping those less fortunate with his extra time and money. I guess I would see him a lot like McLintock! which is partly how he got his name here. He knew what he knew, and he did his best, and made mistakes, and grew, and loved, put his family above his worth, and did what he felt was right, minus the large amount of alcohol. Lol

And I'm not sure, from what I've read and seen in movies, a man leading his home, and discipling was more widely accepted, especially letting your man lead the home, but I'd have to actually be back then to see if the discipline side of it was more accepted. I would hope so... and really, hope that in the future, a future I can see, that it will be again. I think we should be striving as a society to make more types of marriages known, and finding what works best. Marriages are falling apart way too often, and we should be allowing the information get out there so that more people can find solutions that they had not known of before.

I am not a student of history but I would assume that DD was seen more often in the past, but possibly not the way we do it. I read Liberty Valance but have never seen the film adaptation. I would like to, I like both John Wayne and Jimmy Stewart. The 1840’s was a long time ago. Maybe I would have been one of those soldier’s making their last stand in the Alamo (I think the 1840’s was the time of the Alamo...). Actually, I had been interested at one point in studying the Bible, so in the 1840’s I probably would have been a preacher or teacher.

Leah Q - I always like to hear the husband's perspective: what does the Duke see as the advantages of DD?

Well, I'll leave this one to the Duke then. ;)

The advantages I feel is that it brings us closer as a couple, it sets more clear guidelines for the roles in the relationship, and I think it makes it so I know now what I can do in certain situations or how I can act that would help my wife. I think I have a better understanding of my wife’s needs through DD than I ever would have otherwise

And thank you all for your questions, we really had a fun time answering them. :)  Feel free to ask more if you have any.  :) - The Duke and EsMay

Thursday, December 19, 2013

1 Year - From The Duke and EsMay

Today is one year since I started this blog.  A year since we were starting out in DD, and I thought that it was stupid to start a blog, and that everyone would think I was being some kind of poser trying to work my way into a group that I didn't belong in.  I am so thankful I was wrong, and that this blog became a safe place to let out all I'm thinking.
The Duke and I did not get a chance to plan a post like we'd planned.  We got storm stayed for two nights with friends giving us no chance to work on this, and then we came home to a driveway full of snow.  So we decided to ask each other a few questions, making sure not to ask the ones you guys asked of us that we will answer tomorrow. :)  My words are in pink, his in blue. :)
So, Sweetie, what do you wish I had done differently this year in learning the DD lifestyle? What ways have you been disappointed in me? Been proud of me?

I don’t think there is anything I wish you had done different this year. I could say follow the rules more but you already follow the rules pretty well and besides I wouldn’t get to spank you as much otherwise. Maybe stop trying to take control back as much. I don’t really feel I’ve been disappointed in you at all. Maybe that I need to remind you of your bedtime every night otherwise you don’t go to bed on time. I have been so proud of you that you have been so submissive this year. I have been so proud of how you are so willing to submit to your spankings even though I know you find them painful at times.

Here is a question for you: How do you think our relationship would be different this year if we had not tried DD?

I think that may be the scariest question you could ask me. 13 months ago I wrote a counselling group, telling them I had no idea how to save my marriage, and I was at the end of what I knew how to do. I felt so unloved, and lost and alone. I don’t know that we would have had a relationship anymore if we had not started DD. Not that I would have left, we both know as much as I may have wanted to, I never could have, but... I would have wanted to, and in my heart, would have. We were on our way to roommates without a lot of love, and I can’t even begin to imagine what that would look like now. I am so thankful that we don’t have to know what we would have been like this year without DD.  I am so thankful that now, we are like we were when we were dating, but better.  More in love, more free, more fun. :)

What about this year surprised you? About me, about yourself, or about us together?

I think I was surprised by how well the spankings actually seemed to work. I thought spankings were for children, or were only for erotic play maybe. But they actually caused you pain and made you want to be submissive. I am surprised by how submissive you actually want to be, as I had always assumed from the prior years in our marriage that you really wanted to be the one in control. I am surprised by myself by how much I was able to step up in small ways since I always believed I was more of a follower. I am surprised by how closer and how much better we seem to work together now in our marriage than before we started DD.

Here is another questions for you: What do you think our relationship is going to look like a year from now with DD in it, especially if we have a baby with us?
Well, if God blesses us with a baby, I think we could picture it all we want... that little bundle will throw all our theories out of the window... if they're like any other babies I know. lol.  As for DD, I hope we're stronger.  I hope I remember to submit more often without you needing to remind me.  I hope that I can encourage you more and show you that I will not be upset if you become more consistent.  I know we will be even more in love, and have grown even closer together.  I think that is what this path has taught us, to keep working at everything, TOGETHER.  And I can't tell you how special it is to me that you're so willing to work along side me now.  {{{HUGS}}}
Tomorrow we'll answer your questions, so you still have time to ask one if you haven't already. :)  And maybe this weekend we'll actually sit down and do the post we meant to, but no promises, it's a pretty busy time of year. :)  I also have to get to the comments you guys left this week, have not had time, sorry.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Questions, Please

We are about to hit our one year anniversary of blogging, and just celebrated a year of DD a few weeks ago. We are already working on a post to do together for the blogging anniversary, but we also wanted to open up our blog to any questions you may have for us. They can be for me, the Duke, or for both of us. We'll put every single one we get into a post, and answer them all. They can be about DD, our marriage, or even just general interest questions, or what have you. Whatever you want to know, feel free to ask. I hope some of you will play along, it might even help us learn more about each other. :) I trust you all to be respectful in your questions. ;)

If you are anonymous and still want to ask a question, email me under a fake email at and I'll put it in if you like, or just email back if you'd rather.

And thank you all for the wonderful comments and emails I got from my last post. I plan to have some time to write back to them all. You are all so wonderful to me, thank you.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Fixing Bedroom Connections

Well, when you open up a bag of worms on your husband one night, you might as well wait for the rest to come pouring out over the next few days.  Things you might not even realize you still had to deal with.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it in the past… but I have a really hard time connecting during intimacy.  Three things really seem to get in the way. 

1.  I was abused as a child, to what degree we don’t know.  I only remember up to the point of it starting, and then I can’t remember.  My chest closes up, I can’t breathe, and I just can’t remember.  I tried to tell myself I made all this up in my head, but when I finally admitted it to my dad twenty years later, he said he’d known for years I’d been abused that way, but he didn’t know when or how, or even if he should force me to talk about it.  He asked me to tell him what I did remember.  Once I shared what I did recall, he told me he remembers the family get together it happened at, one of those ones where everyone’s kids are running around, and you think everyone is looking after your kids, and that all the kids are safe.  The man I describe was there, dad says.  It was the only time we met him, and it was around the time I describe.  My uncle was around 16, and the guy was a friend of his, so we guess he was the same age.  It shouldn’t have any power over me, especially since I can’t recall all the details… but for some reason it does.

2.  When I was an early teen, trying to figure everything out, I got reading more than I should have.  By the time I graduated high school I had a mind full of sexual garbage, and it got even worse in university.  I had a flat out lust addiction, one that I have to make sure does not return, even to this day.  There are things I know I can’t read or watch because they’ll tempt my mind back to that dark place.  But sadly, sometimes those stories or even scenes from movies will come back into my mind in the middle of intimacy, and once it’s there, try as I might, they won’t leave.  They just replay over and over in my mind like a nightmarish record.
3.  I don’t feel pretty.  I am overweight.  I am short.  I don't like my body.  All the larger women I know have a nice endowment of cleavage, I don’t have much at all, and when I lie on my back, look like I have none.  I feel like a man in bed.  I feel fat.  I feel inexperienced.  I also feel stupid for my reactions, and am always trying to hide my face.  I know I have grown in this… because the Duke was with another woman just one time before we met, and I used to always worry I did not compare to her, that I wasn’t as good at intimacy as her, and felt even uglier and fatter, but thankfully, for some reason or other, those worries are no longer here.  Now to get rid of feeling fat and ugly in the first place.  Wearing dresses for him has helped a bit, but I’ve still struggled.  I guess a lot of it is that the Duke is not an initiator.  It just isn’t something he does, and it’s made me feel very unattractive that I’m the one always asking.
So… I calmly… *cough*  *cough*  told him how I felt.  Okay, Okay I yelled, I cried, I just felt like a failure as a wife.  {I ended up spotting later that day, so maybe it is PMS???  Though with my erratic cycles, who knows.}  So I didn’t feel like I could attract the Duke, and and I was mad at myself as well, even if I could attract the Duke… I wouldn't be able to connect, for some reason I CANNOT just let myself be in the moment, I can't. I have tried, I can't... and I've hated it. HATED IT.

Well, let me tell you, the Duke found the cure the last two days for both of us. He decided to be completely alpha male in the bedroom.  We’d tried a few times in the past, nothing came of it.  But the past two days, he initiated, and then I was to completely submit to him. Yesterday started with a spanking to remind me who was in charge.  Then he would give orders, reminded me who I belonged to, force me to look at him, and on and on. There wasn't a minute he wasn't keeping my attention, and let me tell you, WE CONNECTED, both days, but today especially. It was wonderful!!! I've been praying and trying for years to figure out how I could really connect with him, really, deeply, and figured I was just broken and it was never going to happen.  I was really feeling a failure as a wife, even after all the ways we’ve grown in DD.  Even with intimacy growing with us in so many ways, and frequency, I still felt disconnected, like I was watching what was happening, and not experiencing what was happening.
I know, this may not stay this way, the newness may wear off, but for now, I'm going to enjoy, and be so thankful that at least for now, we're connecting, fully.  

I was going to say that maybe all this sounds a bit stupid and idiotic probably, but when the Duke read it, he said he didn’t want me calling it that… he doesn’t like me putting myself down at all anymore, nor my ideas….  But I guess I feel it is… I have not really heard of others that go through this… but maybe it’s something others don’t talk about, or maybe I’m the only one that has ever struggled with this… either way… it’s been an issue, and I’m glad to see a solution making it’s way into our hands.

I don't know that this is really a DD post or not... but it's what we're facing today.

Duke, your patience ASTOUNDS me.  I keep wondering when you’ll reach the end of it, but you never do.  Your rope must be endless.  Thank you for never giving up on me.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Spanking, Important Conversation, Tears, and Solutions

I have to admit, I have a very hard time going in for a spanking I did not know was coming.  Sometimes the Duke will come to me with the pocket paddle from Blondie's in his hand, and patting it against his other open palm, and I will have no idea why.  I want to tell you that I submit, and crawl over his lap like he asks. 

But if I told you that, it would be a lie.  When the Duke comes to me like this, I panic.  I can't breathe, and I can't climb over his lap.  It has taken me a long while to figure out why, but a few weeks ago I did, and even mentioned a brief part of it on one of your blogs, I cannot recall which at the moment, sorry.

To tell this, means telling some of my past... something I told myself I'd never do again on my blog as I feel I've bored you all enough with the details of my growing up... but to sort through all of this, sadly, it means a trip back in time.  I talked to the Duke about it tonight finally, but became emotional... and feel I need to sort it out here.

Please know that I have forgiven my mother my past, my father as well.  But I still need to process a part of it in order to heal.  When I was younger, my mother did not want me.  She made my life as hard as she could.  She is quite a bit shorter than me, and once I started being able to fight back against her physical abuse, she started telling my father lie after lie of things I had done, that I had not so that he would take me to task. 

Many times my dad would spank me, for reasons I'd never know.  He would just tell me when I asked that I knew what I had done, and to never do it again.  The one that still haunts me to this day is when I was fourteen I believe, and I hadn't been spanked for a few years.  I came home after school at 3:00 in the afternoon quite sick.  I saw no one as I climbed the stairs to my room.  I was so ill that I fell straight to sleep.  I knew of nothing else until around 6:00 in the evening I was woken to my dad flipping me over in bed and started spanking me.  He wouldn't tell me why, he just kept telling me over and over that I knew what I had done.  For some reason, whenever I recall this day in particular, I feel lost, unsettled, fear, unloved even, and quite small.  Maybe it was just because I was sick, and that leaves me unsettled too, I don't know, but it's something I wish I could forget.

I've realized all this is the same way I feel if the Duke all the sudden announces a spanking without explaining why.  All the sudden I'm that fourteen year old girl again.  I'm uncertain, I feel I've done something wrong, and I don't know what.  I feel unworthy, I feel fear, I feel being unwanted, I panic, I just need to know what I did, even if I didn't do it, I need to know why I'm there so that I can get through it.  I didn't even need to tell the Duke this.  As soon as I started to talk about being panicked when he'd spank me without saying why until we were into the spanking, he realized right away what it was, and voiced it for me.  I could see the lights go off for him.  Which is good, because I all the sudden couldn't speak.  My throat swelled and tears flooded my eyes.  I felt so stupid for having this fear, and there he was, understanding.

So he agreed, from now on, no matter what, if a spanking needs to be done, we will talk first about why it is happening.  Whether it be punishment, stress relief, role affirmation, maintenance, what have you, I will not climb over his knee and then be told.  We will talk about it first.  I can't tell you how much that meant to me.  He could have chided me for still having something linger from my past more than twenty years ago, but he did not.  He just pulled me to him and told me it was okay.

I still have to process this more, I want to heal from this and reach a day where I don't panic when he asks me to climb over his lap without explanation.  I trust him, I really do, and so why this feeling comes over me I don't know, and it really bothers me that it does.  But in the mean time, it means so much to me that he'll take the time to make sure I'm emotionally in the right place to begin a spanking before I even climb over his lap. 

This could have all gone so bad, I am so thankful he listened... er... I guess spoke since I really couldn't do much of the talking myself.  But I am so thankful he understood when I couldn't talk.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Thank You, Everyone.

First of all, thank you all for your understanding for needing to change my blog.  The emails you guys sent were so beautiful.  Thank you.

Also, thank you for the love and support that you gave to me in my post this morning when I was so down. 

You are all right, I am so blessed in the Duke.  When he found out, he sent me this email...

"Oh honey I feel so bad for you! I am so sorry that happened to you. I love you honey and can't wait to see you tonight"

He is so sweet, and him not being able to wait to see me, meant so much.  I had a meeting tonight, so he took me out to supper before hand, and gave me some of his dessert since I wasn't having any.  And then he took me to a second hand shop to find some clothes.  I got a pair of nice brown pants, which I really needed as with the weightloss I only fit two pairs of pants now, so now I have three.  LOL  Yes, I will be getting more, but am only trying to get a few pairs right now because I hope to keep losing weight, and don't want to keep updating my whole wardrobe every two months.  Hence also why the second hand shop... but to be honest, that is where I probably would have gone anyway... I don't normally buy clothes new.

Then I went to a church meeting, Children's Team, and asked him to pick me up at 8:30, but we weren't done at 8:30 like we'd hoped, but I still left, I didn't want him turning into an icicle or snowman out there.  But when I got out, he ordered me right back inside and said he would be okay.  When I got back in, they asked why I was back, and I shyly told them I was ordered back inside until we were done.  They all laughed.  I got another laugh when I was leaving AFTER the meeting when I said "I hope I'm allow out in the car now." :)

Then when we got home he wanted to know how I felt the meeting went.  I didn't really want to talk about it, some of it was quite hard to handle.  He told me that I needed to tell him how I felt about it.  I admitted I wasn't sure, and that I wasn't really in the frame of mind to sort it out right now.  He was okay with that, but I can tell with how he said it that once I do figure out how I feel about it all, he'll be telling me to tell him.  And for some reason... that feels kind of good. :)

I love that man SOOOO much.  He is so good to me.  I dreamt for years for this kind of closeness, really thinking I would never come close.  My dream for children may never happen, though I do believe most days it will, but my dream for my marriage DID happen. :)  I hope we keep growing, the Duke still feels so insecure in some areas, but seeing all he's done to grow, I know he'll over come those insecurities too. :)

I hope you all have a wonderful week. :)

Bit Of A Sad Post, Sorry

If you got here today, sorry about the change in my url. :(  I made a mistake and sent an email to my whole church from my google account, and when someone asked my why the new email, I knew I had to switch due to how many people there have google profiles.  If you wouldn't mind letting people know, or updating your blogrolls, I am really sorry about the inconvenience.  Thank you for finding me again. :) 

And sorry for the sad post I wrote before hand to greet you all with... :(  Here is the post I wrote before I found out about needing to change my blog.

This isn't really a DD post, so don't feel you have to read, and it's a bit depressing too, so don't feel you have to read that either.

Do you ever get the feeling that you don't belong?

I struggle with this, and even more so lately.  All the sudden the Duke and I really are in a class all by ourselves amoung everyone we know.  I have very little to talk about with anyone I know, and I feel so distant, and unconnected because of it.

At our church, there is only two couples that don't have kids, and multiple kids, there are more children right now than adults.  The other couple married last year and want one more year before trying as they are going on a long vacation starting next month and want to be hormone and child free for it.  So in that respect, we have nothing to talk about most weeks as mothers talk about potty training, and breast feeding, and pregnancy.  I'm not allowed to join in, I'm not a mother, I don't know what I'm talking about.  Forget the fact that I've been a nanny for 12 years of my life, that obviously amounts to nothing.  I also can't talk about pregnancy because then the room goes quiet, or I get talked over because my pregnancy didn't really count, I mean, a child that lives only 2 hours, why should it....

And then there are my friends.  One set, we applied for adoption before them, and were told we'd be in the next class, but now they're in that next class and we aren't, and I'm trying not to let that hurt, but it does, and so I have a hard time talking about it.  Another friend is having a hard time too, but with our schedules, it seems like we really can't get together.  Other friends are off buying houses and spending their money, and giving big gifts for Christmas.  The Duke and I don't make that much money, our gifts, compared to those we receive, are going to be so small, not even 1/4 of the price for some, 1/10th for others.  Then family, and they too only talk about kids and grandkids, and I really feel overwhelmed with children all around me all the sudden.  I wanted to step back as co head of the Children's ministry at my church this month, after being involved since 2005, but when I went to do it, one of the other co head, there are three of us, said he'll be leaving.  That makes me feel a bit trapped as well I guess...

And now, I almost made a DD slip the other day.  In a room full of people!  I am co head of several groups at my church.  It was our Christmas party the other night that I had planned.  Everyone seemed to have a good time... but for the first time, after a decade and a half of planning this thing, I felt disconnected, and just wanted the party to flow from game to game, and then be over with.  I didn't connect with people, I didn't feel their joy, or their ability to have fun.  I felt forced to perform.

I don't know if it's Christmas coming, and that always makes me sad, or if it's the fact that as soon as the party was over, I crashed, and I mean literally crashed.  My heart palpatated so bad I couldn't sleep that night, I was freezing when the Duke said the room was fine, and I didn't not feel good at all.  This went on for a few days combined with a major migraine, I think from the palpatations.

Now I'm starting to feel better.  I had to miss work yesterday, first time since I started back, and I don't feel ready to join the world.  I don't care what people think of me usually, but now I'm starting to really care.  I just want to fit in... somewhere.  I want to find people I can connect with.  Being winter, and us living in different towns, it'll be even harder to see the one friend I really do get on with, and I find that makes me miss her even more.

Sorry this is a down post, I just felt I had to get my feelings out there.  I really need to look around for a place to fit in... just right now, I don't have the time or energy.  Hopefully with the new year coming, I'll be more able to.

Hope you are all well out there, and this week is being kind to you.

Monday, December 09, 2013

What I've Learned This Year - Part 4 - I Can Let It Go

Tried to keep this one short and sweet. :)

I was the head of our household before DD.  I hated the role, but I did it, because someone had to be.  I have always had a lot of responsibility since I was but four years old.

Now?  Not so much, and I LOVE it.


- I do a lot less housework because the Duke steps beside me and helps
- I'm told when not feeling well to sit down and tell the Duke what I need
- I'm told to calm down when I'm starting to feel worked up
- I'm held when I'm frightened and know I'm not alone
- My tears are encouraged because the Duke knows they bring healing
- I've been encouraged to carry a less volunteer load to free up more time and cause less stress
- Told when to go to bed, so now I have to choose what is really important to be done, and the rest can wait, and it really can wait
- Am asked more often when stressed if what is bothering me really matters
- Am told to share what is bothering me, this is non-negotiable now
- Have started asking the Duke to take over/help on financial items and budgeting and such
- Am questioned often now if I've done the things I need to do to stay healthy
- Have someone checking on oil changes and gas gauges instead of just me
- Have someone that tells me when to say no to things
- Have someone I can ask permission to, especialy when I'm weary about something, and that doesn't make me feel hindered, it makes me think that I don't have to worry about the decision, he'll make it, I just have to follow it.

It's not all about what I can do.  It's not all up to me to get everything done now.  And with that, there is a freedom.  For the first time that I can ever remember, I'm barely dreaming.  I used to dream several dreams a night, every night.  More nightmares than I cared for, and a lot of senseless dreams.  But in the past three months at least, maybe longer, I don't know that I've dreamt ten times.  I think it's because my mind is less worried, less stressed, less full of things that need to be done.  I've got someone helping me now, and in a lot of cases, completely taking over.  I am learning to rest.  I'm learning to take time to just do things for myself, and it feels wonderful.

Duke, thank you for loving me enough to take care of me in all these areas and more.  {{{HUGS}}}

Friday, December 06, 2013

What I've Learned This Year - Part 3 - Goodbye Pride

First of all, in writing these posts of what I've learned this year, I really hope I don't come off as knowing it all, or what have you.  Let me tell you, I still have SO much learning to do, we both do, we both still struggle, a lot, but thought it'd be nice to share what I have learned in case it can help someone else out there...

Actually, I am currently waiting on a spanking that will happen later tonight for saying a swear word today... and it wasn't one of the tamer ones either, for being snippy, rude, basically on the verge of yelling, and well, just down right disagreeable.  When I told the Duke how much better I was doing in this area, and had spent an hour before coming out of our room to try to better get my bad mood under wraps, and would have stayed longer if I didn't need to get ready for work... he admitted he has seen major progress.  The times I'm like that are way less often, and a lot less severe... but he is right too, it needs to be dealt with so that it doesn't get out of hand.  He gave me a bit of a spanking, all that we had time for, this morning... the rest is tonight...

So, anyway, another thing I learned this year is that there is no place for pride in DD.  At least not in our DD marriage.  I basically have had to kiss my pride goodbye and send it packing... okay, parts of it, some parts I'm still not winning the fight over, but I'll get there, someday. :)

I won't lie, I am like many other women, I want my husband to be able to read my  mind, SOME of the time.  But to be honest, I'd be down right terrified if he could read it all of the time.  So, unfortunately, we don't get a say in this matter, it's not even an all or nothing, it's flat out nothing.  They can't read our minds... my husband included. 

And Duke, if you ever aquire this skill, we may have to start living in different zip codes! ;)

Because the Duke can't read my mind, this year has been a year in learning to swallow my pride.  Yes, it's hurt, even physically.  Lumps in my throat, heart pounding, palms sweating, shallow breathing, nothing short of panic at times.  I mean, DD is about communication, being open, and honest.  So, sometimes I need something... and I'm afraid to admit it.  I might need a spanking, I might need him to know I don't like how I just talked and want him to call me on it from now on, I might need him to see I'm doing something I believe is self destructive, I might need to admit to an offense he wasn't around for.  The Duke might not have seen the signals to any of these, and in all honesty, sometimes I show too well that I'm doing quite alright when I'm literally about to fall to pieces, or am painfully hiding something.  He can't read my mind, waiting for him to do so means I could be waiting for days, or weeks, all the while, spiraling out of control.  This is not good for me, since my PTSD and Post Partum with Grief, I am very susceptable to getting into dark moods, fast.  I am told because of how both rearranged the chemicals in my brain, I'm always going to wrestle with fighting the dark days... I think it helps to know that so that I'm better prepared and not beating myself up when a few years later, I still struggle at times.  My best friend's fiance says "She can go from happy to dark in 0-60."  That is why when he found out we do DD, and my friend was panicked, he was over the moon about it.  He saw right away that this would be good for me.  Yeah, that was embarrassing.  Nothing like another man saying, "yeah, she needs to be spanked".  lol

Anyway, the best way to fight off these dark moments that threaten to overwhelm me is to be honest with the Duke.  Sometimes just talking is all I need, sometimes I need a spanking, usually I need both.  I'm used to trying all I can not to bother the Duke, at least over things that take time.  But talking and spanking both take time.  The Duke likes to have time to himself each night, knowing I could be keeping that from happening was really scary to me.  But when he found out I was holding back, he told me to tell him.  Now I do, sometimes it means the Duke ends up with no time to himself one night here or there because dealing with me has taken all night... but he's letting me know I'm worth it, and in all honesty, when we look at it, it's only maybe one night a month month, sometimes not even, and in the whole grand scheme of things, that isn't too often.  I also worried in sharing that he'd get panicked and think that being dark meant I was suicidal, too much to handle, or not worth the effort anymore.  But he doesn't think that.  He knows this isn't my choice, and he knows I really fight on those days to be okay.

I've also had to learn to be more open because of some of my rules.  One rule that had to be made is that I'm to let him know whenever I'm in the mood... I have a much higher drive than the Duke, and sometimes if we have a busy week, and I'm struggling for days, I end up physically frustrated, and we've noticed that leaves me feeling lost and insecure and even frightened for some reason... it has been an embarrassing learning time to have to tell him exactly how often I'm actually like this... REALLY EMBARRASSING!  I know, it shouldn't be.... but it is really hard for me.

I'm also to not hold in my feelings anymore.  No holding in anger, hurt, fears, needs, he's to know them all.  There is nothing like sitting there, in front of the man you love, afraid that all the changes you've needed from DD already might be too much, and yet you have another need, and will this be the one that drives him over the deep end?  But I'm not allowed to hide these inside anymore.  And in truth, it's not good for me to do so, but man, is it ever hard to share some of these things.  Sometimes I feel quite stupid or childish for my needs, fears, and what have you.  Sometimes I wonder how many sharing times am I away from him having me committed.

And lets not forget the fact that spanking in and of itself is saying goodbye to one's pride.  Here, it may not start bare, but it always ends bare.  I mean, seriously?  I am not friends with my cellulite!  I don't want the Duke to be either.  But, there you have it, they have become friends, and the Duke has become very fond at paying attention to that part of my body.  It's hard to admit I need a spanking, at first it was even harder climbing over his lap.  I felt ridiculous, and who in their right mind wants this, let alone feels they need it?  But need it I did, and I had to be willing to swallow my pride to get what I needed.  And so, being spanked was me having to swallow my pride in several different areas.

Each time I said goodbye to another piece of pride, it was really hard... but I wouldn't take it back for the world.  Yes, I'm very open and vulnerable to the Duke now, times he hurts me by mistake hurt way worse now, but that's okay.  Because I'm also more carefree, I trust more, I grew up never being able to trust anyone, it's so freeing to finally be able to let go.  No secret needs, fears and what have you mean I'm always being checked on, and taken care of.  I worried that at some point the Duke would make fun of me for something I shared.  To date, I cannot recall a time that ever happened, and now I realize it won't happen.

Saying goodbye to parts of my pride has meant a new level of communication, a new level of us being one together.  My walls have come down, and if there are more I don't know about, we'll work through them too. 

Now don't get me wrong, I still have pride, it does STILL get me into trouble, but I'm learning more and more how to let it go.  Each time I do, I feel more submissive, I feel more softness entering, I feel contentment rising up in me, I feel joy surging through my veins.  If you told me last year one thing I'd learn to do is give up pride, I might have walked away.  Now, it's one of the biggest blessings I've gotten from this lifestyle.  The Duke wants me open and receptive to him, and I'm finding that's just what I want too. :)

I hope in sharing all this, I have not frightened anyone off, it really is a huge blessing to me and the Duke, and I definitely believe it was worth every awkward moment.  Our marriage is getting good now, and the more I get a handle on my pride, the more amazing it will grow. 

This post was really hard to share, and it too was letting go of some of my pride, but this is good for me.  I hope I didn't over share, and I'm really sorry if I did.

The Duke just came in and told me it's time for my spanking from this morning... perfect timing I'd say... except now I wish I had more to say so that I'd need to write longer. ;)  J/K... see you all later.  Let's hope I can actually sit to read your comments later...

Wednesday, December 04, 2013

What I've Learned This Year - Part 2 - Room To Grow

I am posting this a head of time as I'm out all night, but don't want to forget the things I'm thinking about right now.  So if I haven't gotten to my last night's comments before this comes out, I will do my best to get to them before bedtime. :)

So, when I started out DD, I had all these dreams of grandeur, you know, the Duke would of course want to step up right away, he'd want to take control, I mean, what man wouldn't want to have a woman bowing to their every wish?  ;)  And part of this dreaming was of him forcing me to take a punishment when I would fight.  It was naturally in me to fight, but I thought of how romantic it would be if he told me I had no choice in the matter, and if need be, grab and pull me over his lap himself, being the true alpha male.  {yep, a swooning scene from a novel}

As you can guess, that didn't happen.  On the times I did fight in the beginning of DD, I sent him two totally opposite signals.  My mouth was saying I wanted this, my actions were fighting him every step of the way and saying I didn't want this.  {can't you just hear the men saying we act like this on so many things as women? ;)  *groan*  They'd be right.  lol}  It didn't take long for me to realize that him not being a natural leader meant I had to give him room to grow into his role. 

What did that mean for me?  I had to stop fighting, I had to crawl over his lap without question even when everything in me told me to run, because when I did run, I could see his frustration.  I was asking him to step up and lead, and yet was doing all I could to make sure he failed.  YIKES.  That was scary.  It was a constant fight for a few weeks of him trying to do what he felt I wanted, and me making him feel like a complete and utter failure.

So when I started to cooperate, and when I started to listen to him without question, his confidence grew.  And as his confidence grew, then he could handle the times when I really was having a hard time submitting.  Now, if I fight, which I still try not to do, but lets face it, I'm human and FEMALE, it happens, so now when I do, he's got the confidence that he's got this, and he can lead me, whether I'm in the mood to follow in the moment or not.  Now he really can take me over his lap without question, even if I fight... which I won't tell you the last time that was... *cough* *cough*  Yes, I'm still growing on the submission, I'm working on it. ;)  Let's just say I'm way better than I was, and still have room to grow. ;)  Does the fact that I think I was hormonal make me any less guilty in this situation???

So, it took months and months of work for him to get this confidence to take me over his knee, whether I was willing or not, to force me to do what was right, whether I was a happy camper about it or not.  I had to be patient.  I had to remember that I'd wanted this, DD, for many months before we started.  He needed time to process and catch up.  I had to remember to congratulate him sincerely, or thank him when he did stand up, and explain to him how that made me feel loved, secure, and even more attracted to him.  I also had to encourage him on his down days, to let him know I believed in him, that he'd make mistakes and it was okay, we'd work through them together, and that he didn't have to be perfect.  I had to invest in what was best for him, and not spend all of my focus on me.  I couldn't push him.  Oh, I tried here or there... want to talk about another confidence buster!  Yeah, "Honey, can you lead me?  But I want you to do it this way, and this way, and this way.  Don't deviate from the plan, okay?"  Yeah, like I said yesterday, I did a bit of this.  How can they have confidence if we're the ones giving the orders?

So I guess what I'm saying in all of this is, if you're new to DD, and struggling, maybe make sure you're giving him the room to grow in his confidence.  If you're not, don't be afraid to step back.  Don't be afraid to work on his confidence.  Yes, you might be at the end of your rope, I was.  I was ready to give up on having a good marriage and had nothing left to give.  But I had to.  I had to say thanks even if I didn't feel it, I had to encourage when I wanted to throw in the towel, but the more I did, the more I honestly felt truly thankful, and really like encouraging him. 

The Duke had been taught his whole life that he couldn't be trusted to lead.  He had been taught to be submissive to women and not fight them.  A friend even joked with him constantly to learn how to say "Yes, Dear." and say it often.  Yes it was joking, but yet another way in which men are told that women get the final say.  I had to fight his whole upbringing, and that doesn't change over night.  On days I had nothing left to give, I just asked myself what I really wanted, and what were the steps to get there.  And more often than not, helping the Duke believe in himself was the answer.  It took many months for all of this, almost the whole last year, but that's okay, we're talking about having rewired most of our marriage in a sense.

If you find you're struggling like we did, talk to us {blogland} about it.  Anyone here in blogland.  They gave me the support I needed to keep fighting to make my marriage work, they can help you too. :)  You can seek help, vent if you need, or just find strength from those who have been there before.

Tuesday, December 03, 2013

What I've Learned This Year - Part 1 - Letting Go

As my first year of blogging approaches, I wanted to share some things I learned along the past year.  If you are new to the journey, maybe they can help you out.  If you've been on the journey for a while, well, you might just be able to sympathize because maybe you made some of the same mistakes, or triumps. :)

Today, I look back, and see how idealistic I was.  Now, don't get me wrong, I think in order to start this journey, it has to be that way.  But in my idealistic view, I had it in my head just how the Duke would act, think, and speak. 

Yep, laugh.  I'll stop for a minute.

Done yet? ;)  Still need more time?


So, when the Duke did start stepping up, it did NOT look anything like the vision in my head.  Please, DON'T ask him how many times I said "But you're not supposed to do it this way!"  Yes, I am hanging my head in shame, it was more than I can probably count on BOTH HANDS!  *so embarrassed*  Okay, not so much, because I needed this growing experience.  I mean, honestly, if he acted just how I wanted... who really would be in charge here?

This is when real submission can start, when your husband goes off "your" course and onto his own.  Now he's really leading.  Now manipulation, little hints, suggestions, flat out begging, they no longer work.  He's figured an idea out in his head, and he's going to go with it.  And that is SO OKAY! :) 

Yes, there are times I don't like what the Duke is going to do... but to be honest, I probably need the correction even more in those moments.  I probably need the words of correction, the tone, THE LOOK.  Oh, none of you get the look?  *whistling innocently*  Um... me neither then. ;)

DD is so different than I dreamed.  Bad?  Not a chance.  It's SO MUCH BETTER. :)

I think I'll try every couple days to write something short that I've learned this year until my year marker. :)  That is if I don't bore you all before then. ;)

Sunday, December 01, 2013

A Lot Going On

I don't even know where to begin about this week.  It's been hectic, crazy, many meetings, and things to get done, and it's been AMAZING!!!!  {Sorry this ended up being a bit long, feel free to skip if you'd like.}

We hit a year of doing DD, I can't tell you the day we decided a year ago, I don't know, but I know it was sometime in November.  But let me tell you, a switch went off for the Duke around the year mark, and OH MY GOODNESS!

After losing 30lbs this year, I was DEVASTATED to see the scale start going up in the past two weeks, and not just a little, but 7lbs!  The last day it happened, I was having a hard week, was really down for some reason, I just couldn't get out of a funk, and started beating myself up over the weight gain.  I called myself stupid and a few other things I can't even remember, and then went off to get ready for work.

Well, that night, it started.  We were out running an errand and I picked up a couple of chocolate bars.  The Duke told me to put them back.  I looked at him shocked.  I have been eating really healthy, but I do like to have a few chocolate bars around to nibble on.  I figure nibbling here or there is better than an all out binge when I get a bad craving.  But he wouldn't have it.  He said I could get one because it was a while before we could stop to eat, but other than that, to put the rest away.  I was shocked...and slightly hurt.

When we were at the counter, I saw bite sized bars, packs of six or eight.  I asked if we could get one of those then.  He said no.  I was shocked again.  Seeing how many people were around us, I didn't make a big deal, but was struggling with how I felt.  Once we were in the car, I asked him why he hadn't let me get the bars.  He looked into my eyes with so much love and care that it got hard to breathe.  He reminded me that I had been very upset this morning, and it hard hurt him to see me so upset with myself.  He also didn't want me putting myself in situations in which I would feel like a failure, and then beat myself up.  So he said starting now, he was going to pay more attention to my diet and exercise so that I can be happy when I get on the scales again.  I miss my chocolate, I do not miss the 5 or so lbs that have already come back off! :)

I want to tell you that that is our week.  Oh, but that is so little!  All the sudden I'm getting away with NOTHING.  Oh, and I DEFINITELY mean nothing. The other day we got his test results back.  They were what I thought, there is absolutely nothing in him keeping us from getting pregnant.  I knew this, or assumed it... but when I was told, all the sudden I couldn't breathe.  My heart hurt so much I just couldn't take it.  All the sudden, the reality of it all sat on my chest, smothering me.  It REALLY IS ME and my body that is keeping us from having kids.  I knew it, or thought I did, but all the sudden the reality was too much for me to bear.  I shut down.  So many things have been going wrong lately, so many things that if I was a different person would be better, so many things I can't change, that would be so simple for other women, and this was just icing on the cake.  I was lost.  The Duke asked what was wrong, and I couldn't tell him.  I mean, what was I going to say?  "Sorry Sweetie, I'm devastated that you're healthy and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you."  Yeah, that wasn't going to go over so well in my head.  He kept asking, I wouldn't talk to him.  I mean, physically, at times, I couldn't even get words out if I wanted to.

Finally he was done asking, and put me over his lap and told me that I was going to tell him what was wrong.  I was no longer allowed to hide how I felt from him just because I didn't want to hurt him.  And spank he did.  And spank, and spank.  Still, I couldn't talk.  Finally, after my bottom was on fire, I admitted to him.  Not because I was in the mindset to talk, but because I was getting bored of being spanked.  I just wanted to do something else.  Not because I minded the pain, but I needed something to distract myself.  I told him how much of a failure I felt all around.  I told him that nothing I was doing was turning out right, and how hard I work to fight this disease, and yet it's still winning. :(  And then it happened, I don't know why, I feel so stupid for it now, and did as soon as it was over.  I started hyperventilating and fighting him.  He wouldn't stop holding me, and I was suffocating.  I fought, and he ordered me to calm down while holding me tight to him.  All the sudden I was no longer in control, I can't even begin to tell you why, but my breath got shallower and shallower, and I couldn't stop panicking, by the end I was literally choking from my throat closing.  Finally he spoke forcefully enough for me to hear.  I fell to the bed behind me, and just fought to get air in, the whole time he kept holding me.  I admitted later that his holding me actually hindered my ability to breathe because I felt so closed in.  But I saw also his love and concern in the moment.

I didn't know I could do that, and it scared the life out of me.  It's forced me to come to a lot of decisions this week.  Some hurt, but they have to.  I can't let my want for children be this strong.  I have tried for a long time to not want children, and have never been able to over come it, but now I have to focus on finding ways to be happy, even if this never happens.  Yes, there have been many tears in this decision, even writing that this is the plan now has tears in my eyes, but that also shows how exhausted I am right now from everything that has been dragging me down.

The Duke stepped up yet again when yesterday morning I woke up in a bit of a funk.  I don't know why, I think it's just all that has been going on, we have not had a night in weeks where we could just hang out.  It was wearing on me.  So he tried to hug me and get me to talk to him, you'd think I'd learned after the bottom roasting the other night, but I didn't.  So right there in the kitchen he wrapped one arm across the front of my shoulders, and spanked me with his free hand.  I think this needing to talk about things right away might be good for me.  I used to always need time to process, but with being so overwhelmed right now with everything, taking that time has been meaning me getting into some pretty depressed frames of mind.

Also, we found out I have a severe case of Tennis Elbow in my right elbow, and moderate case of Tendinitis in my right shoulder.  There were days it was becoming literally useless.  I couldn't even wring out a wet cloth, hold a pack of paper, or even get through a nights sleep with the pain.  I didn't want to worry people, so very few people knew unless they caught me trying to do something and failing.  Well after a few months the Duke ORDERED me to go last week to the doctor.  I've been put on advil 3x a day, and voltarin rub 3x a day.  The Duke has been making me let him put it on for me at night.  Well yesterday morning he took my sweater and unzipped it, now him putting on the cream was not my first thought. ;)  But when he slipped my arm out of the sweater, that is just what he did.  When I went to put my arm back in, he did that for me, and when I went to zip back up, he removed my hands and did it for me.  I have never been taken care of save for the week in the hospital before we lost our son.  No one raised me, I was the older of four and had to raise them.  I don't know how to be cared for, and my heart just melted.

And then last night happened.  Showing you the bear jars last week might have given you a hint into this, but there are times that I don't feel or act 35.  Sometimes I'm told I act very innocent, naively, uninhibited.  Sometimes I'm overwhelmed in situations I should be able to handle, sometimes I get really excited over little things, the bear jars a prime example.  lol  The Duke and I have been talking a lot about this lately, and some of you in blogland have been helping me figure out the whys of all of this too.  THANK YOU!  And then last night happened... the Duke was sitting there smiling the biggest smile I've ever seen from him.  I asked him "What?"  Just one word.  His eyes which were already tender turned even more so.  "You're looking at me all sweet and child like.  All peaceful.  I like it."

I thought about it, and figured he must have been right.  I was finally feeling carefree, I was letting go of the stresses of the past weeks, and years.  I was burying some dreams, and ready to create new ones.  I was loving his stepping up to rescue me so often this week.  In that moment, for maybe the first time ever, I didn't have to worry about something.  He had me.  God has me, and we've been having a lot of talks as well.  I'm learning new trusts in Him that I didn't know possible.  And in all that, I was finally able to just let go, relax, and just be the me I've craved for for so long.  The me that can let go and let someone else take care of me.  I've wanted to be cared for for so long, and there was no one there to do it.  I am feeling so loved right now.

But in that, I've also noticed changes in me.  I'm asking permission for everything.  To the point I asked for something today that was only five dollars, and the Duke flat out said no.  I didn't understand why, but he said no.  Now the Duke is not often cautious with money, even when we need to be, but he's been stepping up in that department too, and I guess I'm shocked, as a year ago, I could have anything I asked for.  So I could chose to pout, which I highly entertained the idea for a moment, or move on.  We were in the new target the other day, the Duke wanted to look around.  I thought that meant a look around.  To him it meant look at every aisle in the store.  I was so tired, I'd worked a long day, and wanted to go home after the first twenty minutes we'd looked around together.  But I wanted to be respectful for him, so I kept wandering around the aisles around him to kill time as he'd stand in front of some displays for several long minutes and I'd get bored.  I realized after a bit that I wasn't being very respectful in doing so.  So I instead went to stay by his side the rest of the time.  But literally two minutes later, he ushered us to the check out and then out of the store.  I told him I was sorry, that by taking so long to realize to do the right thing, I'd kept us from shopping together for half the time we were there.  He then told me that when I kept coming and going, he thought I was having a good time, and it wasn't until I stayed by his side that he could actually see I was exhausted, and that he needed to get me home.  Awww.

So anyway, learning to talk in ways I'd never realized, and realizing the Duke can really pay way more attention to me than I ever dreamed.  Yes, my bottom is warm more often lately, but so is my heart!  :)

I am still exhausted while writing this, so if anything does not make sense, I am terribly sorry.  Found out today that a friend died in a car crash yesterday, and then one of the few actors I really respect, found out he died in much the same way last night, and I'm actually quite shocked how much it bothered me to hear of it today. :(  So not everything may have made sense.  I have a crazy week a head, and then thankfully a couple of nice calm weeks before the mayhem with Christmas and the Duke's family and the wedding I have to be in on the 28th.  So hopefully in that time in between I can slow down and catch up on relaxing and resting. :) 

PS, I have been commenting on the blogs I read, but I go back and see a lot of them aren't showing up. :(  So I think it might be this temporary computer or something.  I am so sorry!  I hope to have my laptop back in a couple of days, and hopefully then my comments will work again.  Sorry to anyone who think I'm ignoring them,  I'm not.  {{{HUGS}}}