Sunday, December 01, 2013

A Lot Going On

I don't even know where to begin about this week.  It's been hectic, crazy, many meetings, and things to get done, and it's been AMAZING!!!!  {Sorry this ended up being a bit long, feel free to skip if you'd like.}

We hit a year of doing DD, I can't tell you the day we decided a year ago, I don't know, but I know it was sometime in November.  But let me tell you, a switch went off for the Duke around the year mark, and OH MY GOODNESS!

After losing 30lbs this year, I was DEVASTATED to see the scale start going up in the past two weeks, and not just a little, but 7lbs!  The last day it happened, I was having a hard week, was really down for some reason, I just couldn't get out of a funk, and started beating myself up over the weight gain.  I called myself stupid and a few other things I can't even remember, and then went off to get ready for work.

Well, that night, it started.  We were out running an errand and I picked up a couple of chocolate bars.  The Duke told me to put them back.  I looked at him shocked.  I have been eating really healthy, but I do like to have a few chocolate bars around to nibble on.  I figure nibbling here or there is better than an all out binge when I get a bad craving.  But he wouldn't have it.  He said I could get one because it was a while before we could stop to eat, but other than that, to put the rest away.  I was shocked...and slightly hurt.

When we were at the counter, I saw bite sized bars, packs of six or eight.  I asked if we could get one of those then.  He said no.  I was shocked again.  Seeing how many people were around us, I didn't make a big deal, but was struggling with how I felt.  Once we were in the car, I asked him why he hadn't let me get the bars.  He looked into my eyes with so much love and care that it got hard to breathe.  He reminded me that I had been very upset this morning, and it hard hurt him to see me so upset with myself.  He also didn't want me putting myself in situations in which I would feel like a failure, and then beat myself up.  So he said starting now, he was going to pay more attention to my diet and exercise so that I can be happy when I get on the scales again.  I miss my chocolate, I do not miss the 5 or so lbs that have already come back off! :)

I want to tell you that that is our week.  Oh, but that is so little!  All the sudden I'm getting away with NOTHING.  Oh, and I DEFINITELY mean nothing. The other day we got his test results back.  They were what I thought, there is absolutely nothing in him keeping us from getting pregnant.  I knew this, or assumed it... but when I was told, all the sudden I couldn't breathe.  My heart hurt so much I just couldn't take it.  All the sudden, the reality of it all sat on my chest, smothering me.  It REALLY IS ME and my body that is keeping us from having kids.  I knew it, or thought I did, but all the sudden the reality was too much for me to bear.  I shut down.  So many things have been going wrong lately, so many things that if I was a different person would be better, so many things I can't change, that would be so simple for other women, and this was just icing on the cake.  I was lost.  The Duke asked what was wrong, and I couldn't tell him.  I mean, what was I going to say?  "Sorry Sweetie, I'm devastated that you're healthy and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you."  Yeah, that wasn't going to go over so well in my head.  He kept asking, I wouldn't talk to him.  I mean, physically, at times, I couldn't even get words out if I wanted to.

Finally he was done asking, and put me over his lap and told me that I was going to tell him what was wrong.  I was no longer allowed to hide how I felt from him just because I didn't want to hurt him.  And spank he did.  And spank, and spank.  Still, I couldn't talk.  Finally, after my bottom was on fire, I admitted to him.  Not because I was in the mindset to talk, but because I was getting bored of being spanked.  I just wanted to do something else.  Not because I minded the pain, but I needed something to distract myself.  I told him how much of a failure I felt all around.  I told him that nothing I was doing was turning out right, and how hard I work to fight this disease, and yet it's still winning. :(  And then it happened, I don't know why, I feel so stupid for it now, and did as soon as it was over.  I started hyperventilating and fighting him.  He wouldn't stop holding me, and I was suffocating.  I fought, and he ordered me to calm down while holding me tight to him.  All the sudden I was no longer in control, I can't even begin to tell you why, but my breath got shallower and shallower, and I couldn't stop panicking, by the end I was literally choking from my throat closing.  Finally he spoke forcefully enough for me to hear.  I fell to the bed behind me, and just fought to get air in, the whole time he kept holding me.  I admitted later that his holding me actually hindered my ability to breathe because I felt so closed in.  But I saw also his love and concern in the moment.

I didn't know I could do that, and it scared the life out of me.  It's forced me to come to a lot of decisions this week.  Some hurt, but they have to.  I can't let my want for children be this strong.  I have tried for a long time to not want children, and have never been able to over come it, but now I have to focus on finding ways to be happy, even if this never happens.  Yes, there have been many tears in this decision, even writing that this is the plan now has tears in my eyes, but that also shows how exhausted I am right now from everything that has been dragging me down.

The Duke stepped up yet again when yesterday morning I woke up in a bit of a funk.  I don't know why, I think it's just all that has been going on, we have not had a night in weeks where we could just hang out.  It was wearing on me.  So he tried to hug me and get me to talk to him, you'd think I'd learned after the bottom roasting the other night, but I didn't.  So right there in the kitchen he wrapped one arm across the front of my shoulders, and spanked me with his free hand.  I think this needing to talk about things right away might be good for me.  I used to always need time to process, but with being so overwhelmed right now with everything, taking that time has been meaning me getting into some pretty depressed frames of mind.

Also, we found out I have a severe case of Tennis Elbow in my right elbow, and moderate case of Tendinitis in my right shoulder.  There were days it was becoming literally useless.  I couldn't even wring out a wet cloth, hold a pack of paper, or even get through a nights sleep with the pain.  I didn't want to worry people, so very few people knew unless they caught me trying to do something and failing.  Well after a few months the Duke ORDERED me to go last week to the doctor.  I've been put on advil 3x a day, and voltarin rub 3x a day.  The Duke has been making me let him put it on for me at night.  Well yesterday morning he took my sweater and unzipped it, now him putting on the cream was not my first thought. ;)  But when he slipped my arm out of the sweater, that is just what he did.  When I went to put my arm back in, he did that for me, and when I went to zip back up, he removed my hands and did it for me.  I have never been taken care of save for the week in the hospital before we lost our son.  No one raised me, I was the older of four and had to raise them.  I don't know how to be cared for, and my heart just melted.

And then last night happened.  Showing you the bear jars last week might have given you a hint into this, but there are times that I don't feel or act 35.  Sometimes I'm told I act very innocent, naively, uninhibited.  Sometimes I'm overwhelmed in situations I should be able to handle, sometimes I get really excited over little things, the bear jars a prime example.  lol  The Duke and I have been talking a lot about this lately, and some of you in blogland have been helping me figure out the whys of all of this too.  THANK YOU!  And then last night happened... the Duke was sitting there smiling the biggest smile I've ever seen from him.  I asked him "What?"  Just one word.  His eyes which were already tender turned even more so.  "You're looking at me all sweet and child like.  All peaceful.  I like it."

I thought about it, and figured he must have been right.  I was finally feeling carefree, I was letting go of the stresses of the past weeks, and years.  I was burying some dreams, and ready to create new ones.  I was loving his stepping up to rescue me so often this week.  In that moment, for maybe the first time ever, I didn't have to worry about something.  He had me.  God has me, and we've been having a lot of talks as well.  I'm learning new trusts in Him that I didn't know possible.  And in all that, I was finally able to just let go, relax, and just be the me I've craved for for so long.  The me that can let go and let someone else take care of me.  I've wanted to be cared for for so long, and there was no one there to do it.  I am feeling so loved right now.

But in that, I've also noticed changes in me.  I'm asking permission for everything.  To the point I asked for something today that was only five dollars, and the Duke flat out said no.  I didn't understand why, but he said no.  Now the Duke is not often cautious with money, even when we need to be, but he's been stepping up in that department too, and I guess I'm shocked, as a year ago, I could have anything I asked for.  So I could chose to pout, which I highly entertained the idea for a moment, or move on.  We were in the new target the other day, the Duke wanted to look around.  I thought that meant a look around.  To him it meant look at every aisle in the store.  I was so tired, I'd worked a long day, and wanted to go home after the first twenty minutes we'd looked around together.  But I wanted to be respectful for him, so I kept wandering around the aisles around him to kill time as he'd stand in front of some displays for several long minutes and I'd get bored.  I realized after a bit that I wasn't being very respectful in doing so.  So I instead went to stay by his side the rest of the time.  But literally two minutes later, he ushered us to the check out and then out of the store.  I told him I was sorry, that by taking so long to realize to do the right thing, I'd kept us from shopping together for half the time we were there.  He then told me that when I kept coming and going, he thought I was having a good time, and it wasn't until I stayed by his side that he could actually see I was exhausted, and that he needed to get me home.  Awww.

So anyway, learning to talk in ways I'd never realized, and realizing the Duke can really pay way more attention to me than I ever dreamed.  Yes, my bottom is warm more often lately, but so is my heart!  :)

I am still exhausted while writing this, so if anything does not make sense, I am terribly sorry.  Found out today that a friend died in a car crash yesterday, and then one of the few actors I really respect, found out he died in much the same way last night, and I'm actually quite shocked how much it bothered me to hear of it today. :(  So not everything may have made sense.  I have a crazy week a head, and then thankfully a couple of nice calm weeks before the mayhem with Christmas and the Duke's family and the wedding I have to be in on the 28th.  So hopefully in that time in between I can slow down and catch up on relaxing and resting. :) 

PS, I have been commenting on the blogs I read, but I go back and see a lot of them aren't showing up. :(  So I think it might be this temporary computer or something.  I am so sorry!  I hope to have my laptop back in a couple of days, and hopefully then my comments will work again.  Sorry to anyone who think I'm ignoring them,  I'm not.  {{{HUGS}}}


  1. Oh my goodness! What a rollercoaster. Wow.

    My heart goes out to you about the baby and test results. We women are indoctrinated to believe that we are failures if we can't produce children, and the heartbreak alone is hard enough without feeling like it's our fault. It's not your fault. Nothing you did or didn't do will change things, just like you couldn't choose the color of your eyes or your height. All of you've said about Duke says that he is a man who loves and supports you and will love and support you through this.

    Still, what a sad moment. Then the emotions of losing your friend, plus trying to do so many things in so many different I'm impressed you're still managing. I hope you'll get to take a chance to comfort yourself, take care of yourself, and let yourself relax a bit.

    It's not your fault. You are a good, worthy person and you deserve to be loved.

    1. Anastasia, thank you SO MUCH. I know mostly it isn't my fault, but I still feel the blame as with another woman, he'd likely be a dad several times over now. But your words really meant a lot to me, and made me feel special, thank you so much. {{{hugs}}}

  2. Hey Es May...I am so sorry you have been through such a rough time but at the same time, I am so proud of you! You have faced up to all the bad and let the Duke break through. You are an awesome lady and a cherished addition to our blog land family. Sending lots of prayers and healing energy that your injuries heal soon.

    As far as the commenting and it being gone...that's been happening to a lot of us...seems to be a blogger issue. Would suggest you write your comment and then copy it...when you hit the publish button, if you don't see your comment or the message that your comment will be published after approval (or whatever that message is), then paste the message and click the publish button again. Usually works the second time.

    Happy DDversary!

    Hugs and Blessings...

    1. Cat, you almost made me cry... thank you, I love belonging here. And I've started to do what you suggested, and they all seem to be going through, so here's hoping the problem is fixed now. :)

  3. Es May,

    I struggle with PCOS also and it took me a long time to accept the fact that I probably wasn't going to have any children of my own. One thing that helped me was to find a way to be around children at other locations, for example at my church. I am a Sunday School teacher and an AWANA leader. I am able to have my need met to be with children that way. Plus, I look at like I can spoil them rotten and then send them home. LOL I also have my nieces and nephew quite a bit. That way, I am involved with children. I know it's like a double edged sword. Being told to be with kids when you want one of your own can be tough, but if you haven't been around kids of a variety of ages, you can learn lots about things you want to do with your own children and things you don't.


    1. Thank you, Elizabeth. Actually, I am a nanny, and co-head of the children's program at my church. So when I'm not home, I'm rarely away from kids, of all ages. :) But thank you for the suggestion. :) You are right, it can be a double edged sword, but I find so many blessings from it compared to the little heartache I might experience from time to time. :) Thank you for sharing.

  4. Sweet Es may, I am so sorry for you have been through such a rough and emotional time. The test results, loosing your friend and everything else you have been juggling. My heart goes out to you. I feel a little guilty sharing my trivial stuff with you!

    I have to say I totally agree with Cat. I too and proud of you for facing it all and letting the Duke break through.

    Congratulations on your first year. It has been such an honour to follow your journey and it's wonderful to see how far you two have grown. You have an amazing man there who loves you, wants the very best for you and takes such wonderful care of you. He has you and I hope you can lean on him more and more when you need to :)

    I love that you are feeling so cared for and loved and more carefree. I love what he said to you about looking at him sweet and child like :)

    Sending positive thoughts and prayers that your injuries heal soon and hope that you do get some time to relax soon.


    1. I want to ask Rick to spank you for such a comment. {{{HUGS}}} Your stuff is NEVER trivial. {{{HUGS}}} I never thought of it as letting the Duke break through, but I'm glad that you guys see that and can show me. Sometimes it's really worth having people on the outside looking in. ;) And thanks for the thoughts and prayers, plan on spending the evening relaxing. :)


  5. Es May

    I think you are very strong. You have been through so much yet you
    continue on. You keep trying, hoping, praying. You even keep this
    blog. I am so glad you have the Duke and things are going well with
    the two of you. It's wonderful to hear how loved you feel!

    So sorry to hear about your friend.


    1. Thank you, Sara. I don't feel strong... but it's nice to hear and hope that I am. :) And I can't lie, I'm loving the feeling loved. :)

  6. Happy for your breakthrough.

    Sorry about your friend - I love a friend last week too.

    1. Oh Leigh, I'm so sorry. {{{HUGS}}} Is there anything I can help you with? If you need to talk, I'm here.

  7. Es May, I am sorry you had such a bad week, but I am also really proud of you for exorcising the worries that have caused you such heartache. Sometimes we have to hit bottom before we can begin the journey back to a brighter place.

    There is a saying, "today is the oldest I have ever been and also youngest I will ever be". It always makes me feel like whatever happened yesterday is yesterdays news and I can make today the first day of my new future.

    You are a special soul and a remarkable woman. Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my often referenced Bible verses and I know that it applies to you and the Duke. With God and the Duke watching out for you, you are in very good hands!

    Blessings and Hugs,

    1. Thank you, George. I've a lot of thinking, studying and praying about that verse this year, actually. So many people have so many different takes on it. One thing that's amazing though, when God spoke that verse, good things did not happen right away. They had to wait, and that did not mean God loved them any less. I've had to realize this about myself as well. Waiting so long does not mean God loves me less than all my friends who are on kids 2-5 now.

      {{{hugs}}} and blessing to you too. :)

  8. A couple of things... I advised everyone, on my Thanksgiving post, to set the scale back 10 pounds. I might have send a paddle for not listening. At 35 you should be care free and innocent, there is plenty of time to be a grown up. And I can't believe nobody told you about the one year mark and our HoH's. At a year, they are finding that they can do this whole dd thing. So be a good girl and follow his instructions. And if you eat some chocolate, do something to burn off the calories. I hear sex burns a lot of calories

    1. Blondie, I'm never going to say no to one of your paddles, though I should. The Duke RARELY uses anything else now than the two we bought from you. No lie, I can't remember when he used something else. It was months ago, that's for sure. I always thought I should have it all together by 35, but you're right, I just need to be the carefree and innocent person I feel inside. Oh, and NO ONE WARNED ME! LOL Had I known, I'd have been better prepared, at least better behaved!!! lol And, um, thanks for the tip, I'll have to let the Duke know! lol

  9. Oh Es May, I'm so sorry things have been so intense lately. I'm sorry for all the negatives, but I'm so happy for the positives! You let him in, you let him help you, he's there for you, you two seem so in love, and THAT'S great!

    Like Blondie said above, sex to burn off calories is a great idea! ;)

    1. Thank you, Kenzie, not that he would have let me say not if I said no to his help. LOL But that is what is great about this dynamic. :)

  10. This is really such an amazing post EsMay -
    You and the Duke have grown so much and as much as it can hurt during that time, the benefits afterwards are so worth it. I remember as a very young wife crying on my mother in law's shoulder many times, and she would just hug me and tell me that we would get through it. It may sound cliche, but coming from her, an older married woman who'd faced many trials and tribulations, it meant the world to me. So I just want to give you a hug and say how glad I am that you are able to look back and see the mile stones in your marriage. I'm so so glad that the Duke is taking the burdens off your shoulders - for your sake and for his. You need that, and he's reaping the rewards too.
    I loved what he said: "You're looking at me all sweet and child like. All peaceful. I like it."
    Knowing how hard your growing up years were, that is pretty wonderful!
    I hope that you will continue to enjoy these moments with him, and that you will get through all the craziness of this season - and that your day as the maid of honor for your friend will be a lovely day.

    1. Thank you, Cali... yeah, I've never been told being childlike was a good thing... in fact, the whole time I was growing up, I had to be an adult, and was rebuked every time I didn't act like one... this is kind of freeing. And thank you, I'm hoping the wedding won't be half as bad as I'm dreading. {{{hugs}}}

  11. EsMay, This is so wonderful and I'm so happy for you. Your post make it seem like you're floating on a cloud, so so great!! Congrats on your 1 year mark, I hope you both can look back and see how much progress you have made, be proud of it because this can be hard at times :) I'm just so happy Duke is taking care of you,and you are blossoming under his leadership. I know it can be hard not to beat yourself up, and feel like infertility is all you fault, but please try to not do that, your husband loves you so much, and he'll be there when your hurting, this is a journey you will both take together, you're in it together. I will say a prayer for you. I hope you have a fantastic Holiday season!

    1. Thank you, Jennelle, I'll take all the good prayers I can get. I know I shouldn't beat myself up... but sometimes I just see all the ways I'm holding him back. His mom also wants another grandchild so bad, she only has one... I try not to let it pressure me, but sometimes it does. I do try not to dwell on it though, and most times I succeed. :) I hope you have a wonderful Holiday season too. :)


Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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