Monday, October 28, 2013

Yikes! What Came Over Me?

Well, the few of you that I wrote yesterday and admitted where I was with the Duke, he was becoming very inconsistent, will wonder at this complete turn around, don't worry, I'm wondering at it too.

I am a maid of honour in a wedding in December.  I have never been in a wedding before... so I don't know what to think.  I ordered my dress, and added the $20 to have it customized to my figure... and now they are saying that I can't make it to my size because my breasts and hips are not drastic enough in size difference from my waist.  They then proceeded to ask if I was pregnant, or offered to sell me a corset as well.

I was devastated.  I know I am larger than I should be, but not that much, and they do have dresses to fit every single measurement I have, just not all in the same size, so that is why I paid extra to have it custom fitted.  I also have lost 30lbs this year, with the disease I struggle with, it makes it a lot harder to lose weight, and even getting this 30lbs off has been hard.  Even being bigger than I should be, I don't have hips, my hip bone is literally only a half inch wider on either side than the bone at my waist.  And up top, I literally used to be called "pimple boobs" for a reason.  I didn't pick the dress out, all the bridesmaids are wearing the same thing.  So I felt attacked by this company, and angry that they said the dress could be customized, and apparently can't be.

I started crying.  It has taken a long time for me to not hate my body, and this horrible disease.  Even writing about it now, I feel the tears coming back.  I work out, I avoid so many foods, and still, I'm big, and their email today made me feel horrible.  I am not pregnant... and not being so when I so want to be made that question even harder.  And wearing a corset so that I fit their mould when the dress was supposed to be made to fit me... well I got angry and started belittling myself.  I was angry that I can't beat this disease.  I got angry because if I can lose more weight, the chances of ever being skinny are still really far fetched.  I got sad and called myself fat and stupid.  I was just a bawling mess.

Imagine my surprise when the Duke comes up behind me and starts to pull my pants down.  I whipped around, and begged him to stop.  I threw myself into his arms and just bawled.  I begged him to please still spank me if he felt I needed it, but later.  I told him, right then, I just needed him to hold me.  He said okay, but that I was to stop calling myself fat and stupid that very moment.

Fifteen minutes later we were in the car on our way to work, and I was still worked up.  A car passed me in a no passing zone.  I want to tell you I acted my normal self and just thought the person was being irresponsible and left them alone.  But that would be a huge lie.  I blarred my horn, and as soon as they passed, gassed it to tailgate them.  The second the Duke heard the car accelerate, I heard "Stop it, NOW!"

Me: "But they were..."

The Duke: "I don't care, I want you to calm down right now."

Me: "This is getting added to my spanking tonight... isn't it?"

The Duke: "Yes, it is."

Augh, two offenses in one day?  What came over me???

Would it help to say I think I'm ovulating finally, after a couple years of not, and that I don't know what to do with the onslaught of emotions?  This being frazzled happened last month as well, it was the very first time we had signs my hormones were getting back in line... I think I'll have to start tracking this, and finding ways to remind myself to stay calm.

So... the Duke was backing off of DD it seemed... now... woah, someone lit a fire under his bottom!  lol

Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.  *Gulp*

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Are You A Line Rider?

I have been a horrible blogger the past two weeks.  I have not had anytime to check out more than a few blogs.  This week was promising, but with unintended guest (who is now gone), some last minute emergencies, and the Duke needing to see a doctor last night, it's been insane.  He's okay, but on two types of antibiotics.  I'd love any prayers on his behalf.  He's not sick, but has a sore on his leg that turned bad.  Anyway, my PLAN is to catchup tomorrow night and on Saturday.  I am truly sorry for getting so behind. :(

I wanted to write today about something that has been going through my head.  The other day I was stuck between two cars as in the image below. 

I only took a minute to do it, so please forgive the rough graphics.  So as you can see, the road I was was almost wide enough that two cars could ride side by side in the same lane.  I wondered why the car beside me was hugging the outside line so closely, I mean, he honestly was only an inch or two from having his tires on the line.  So I looked behind me for some reason, and the guy behind me was literally riding with his tires right against the center line.  I myself, no matter how small or wide the lane is, tend to rid with about 1/3 of the available space to my outside, and 2/3 towards my inside.  I found this odd about the other cars, but it got me thinking about DD.

I wonder at times if I am one of these two cars.  The line for me not to cross is clearly marked in many instances.  Yet, sometimes, I ride the line as close as I can, like a child testing the line, just because it's so close to what I want.  Almost like I'm tempting myself with what I can't have until I no longer have any strength and accidentaly cross over the line.  ie, bedtime.  I say, oh, just five minutes more.  But then that turns into 30, and then that makes me five minutes late for bed, but oh wait, I haven't gone to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, gotten dressed, or anything. So by the time I'm done, I've not just hovered over the line, I'm WAY over it.

But then on other issues, like being disrespectful, bowing to the Duke's wishes, trying to keep a submissive mindset, I tend to be far away from the line, hugging the other wall, doing all I can to be good, respectful, and show the Duke my submission.  Like me getting dresses and pretty things lately for the Duke. That's me hugging the wall, liking the safe place.  Me going to bed too late, that's me line riding.

So I feel I have to be more like my driving.  2/3 of the way in between, or even closer to the outside line.  I have to stop testing those limits.  Yes, I want to stay up as long as I can, but it's not good for me, and more, I've promised the Duke I will work on getting to bed earlier, therefore ensuring I'm going to be in a better mood the next day so that I'm more likely to be submissive in other areas of my life as well.

So what about you?  Do you find you're a Line Rider?  Or a Wall Hugger?  Or like with me, do you find it depends on the issue?  So, everyone out there in blogland, I want to give you full permission on my blog.  If I'm ever pushing limits, and you see this, feel free to call me a Line Rider and make me realize what I'm doing, and that this isn't what I want to be.  More often than not, I want to find myself hugging that wall.  It's safer, it's comforting, it's where the Duke's arms are always there to catch me.  It's where I'm not making him question himself, and where I'm aiding in the harmony of our marriage.  I really am glad this small little thing happened to me to make me think.

So here I am, a Spankso, a Submissive Wife, a Needer of a Firm Hand and Strong Voice, a Person Dependant on a Schedule, a Dress Wearer, a Blogger, and now a Wall Hugger.  I wonder what is next for me to find out about myself, or a goal to aim towards. :)

Sunday, October 20, 2013

I Feel All Tarnished

I am going to reply to the comments left on my last post... I just feel I need to think a bit before I do, to make sure I'm in a good headspace, which, right now, I am not.

I feel all confined, restricted, and tense.  Our guest is still here.  I felt close to tears yesterday, and thank goodness the Duke took some time to be alone with me.

Yesterday was meant to be something special for the Duke and I, and I feel it got a bit tarnished with our landlord being here.  He was having a yardsale in the back yard to get rid of a lot of stuff he'd stashed in the garage.  Honestly, I think he's going to be selling the place, and just isn't telling us.  So yesterday afternoon we had some alone time, and I thought he was at the back of the property running his yard sale.

Anyway, so a few weeks ago we placed an order for some things from a toy shop, no, this post will not be risque, or not really, lol, and one thing we ordered was a blind fold because the one I have slips off through the night when I need to wear it.  It was supposed to just be this innocent blindfold to keep the light from hitting my eyes before I'm ready to get up in the morning.  It was eight dollars on sale for one dollar, I felt I couldn't go wrong.  Well, imagine the Duke's expressive delight when we get the package and he finds out that there isn't only a blindfold in our package, but a matching thong!  And not just a thong, but one that fit my larger frame.  I had no idea, and was shocked speechless.

So, he expressed a wish a few days later that I maybe get a few to wear for him as the one that was mailed to us was quite stiff and not that great.  I've never worn thongs before, I was apprehensive, but then thought about it.  I've started to wear dresses at home for the Duke, why not try this for him.  So on Friday night I went out and bought some.  I had avoided wearing dresses all week because of our visitor, but yesterday decided that was enough.

So I put on a dress, and my new under garment, and showed the Duke.  He was so honoured that I would do this for him, you could see the emotions playing over his face that I bowed to his wishes in this way.  A few hours later we both ended up in our bedroom, I was on the laptop, he was grabbing something from his dresser.  I joked that I wasn't used to something riding up my butt, and we joked about it for a minute, as well as him sharing how special it was to him that I did this.  Just as we finished joking about it, we decided to open the window to our bedroom.  The Duke pulled open the curtains to reveal the window was already open, all the way open, and he stopped cold.

Standing right outside our window, and I mean RIGHT outside, was our landlord typing away on his IPAD.  Seriously, the man has to go!  The Duke signaled for me to be quiet, and then mouthed what he saw.  This is not the first time we've caught him outside our window while we've been talking, but this was by far the most intimate thing I know he's heard.  This was a gift for the Duke, I did this to please him and be a special treat between the two of us.  Now I feel our landlord knows our secret as well, and I feel all tarnished, and that my gift to the Duke is now less special.

I realize the Duke is stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I am also glad to hear from the Duke how much he is displeased with his friend lately.  Now that I'm giving him more respect and forcing him to understand my love is unconditional, and not letting him think otherwise, he's starting to see how bad this guy treats him.  I was so thankful to hear that.  He's ready for this guy to be gone too.  I know he's reluctant to say something because the guy is apparently leaving today, and we know he can be quite vindictive and manipulative, so I understand the Duke's reluctance to cause an issue.  Our landlords always been like that, and it was why I was so reluctant to move here in the first place.  I do understand that if the Duke were to call him on it, he could make life very hard for us, but I also don't mind moving to be honest.

I will not be dressing up today until after our landlord is gone.  I don't want him knowing what I'm wearing underneath.  It's none of his business.  I hope that I can get the special feeling back about why I'm doing this for the Duke, and make the present I'm giving him special again.

Am I making too much out of this?  Or is this creepy to anyone else?

Friday, October 18, 2013

Stressful Visitor & 2 Free DD Books

I feel all stressed inside... and not sure how to fix it.

We've had a house guest the last few nights, and I don't know if he's leaving today, or in a few days, and that has me stressed.  He is our landlord, and a friend of the Duke's.  He's visiting to check up on the place, and I am all stressed.

One of the reasons, we are the supers here, is that one of the tenants is always complaining, I mean all the time, I'm afraid to answer my phone or leave the house because they'll trap us, and I'm afraid to answer the door because it's always them.  They drive me bonkers, and I just know they'll expect us to fix things that he said no to when he leaves.

Second of all is our landlord himself.  He really does put us in a tight spot with the tenants.  Also, he hates me.  When the Duke is not around, if I say hi, he won't even look at me and walk on by, or just ignore me.  My best friend knew I wouldn't lie, but witnessed it this past summer when he didn't realize she was coming out behind me.  She waited for him to answer, and when he didn't, came out and said hi to him too.  He all the sudden said hi to both of us.  I have always felt judged by him.  He will often invite the Duke to hang out with him and his wife, but not me.  He's invited the Duke on trips, and not me.  I don't know what I've done, and I try to be nice to him, but it never works.  So having him here is stressing me out.  I spent most of last night in my room reading on my kindle.

I want the Duke to hang out with him because they're friends, and I want him to hang out with him so that I don't have to.  But on the same note, I miss the Duke.  I'm still recovering from all that went on last week, still feeling vulnerable, and wishing I had the Duke's strength with me.  Tonight we have to visit with a widow friend of mine, and it will make it a bit easier if our guest does indeed try to stay another night.

One thing I have noticed different about his visit this time around, is that I'm not holding the Duke up to my standards.  I used to wonder why the Duke never talked about me in front of this guy, why he never tried to say good things about me, why if I was so important to him, why my name never comes up when he's talking to his friends.  It used to drive me bonkers and make me feel unimportant.  Now, if he did so now, it would be nice, but I don't need it.  The Duke loves me, he shows me this is in so many ways now that I have no doubt, and if his friends never see me as good, that is okay.  I have a lot of friends that love me, and I have to be okay with being myself, and not living to please his friends, who I can't seem to please anyway.

So anyway, not really sure about what this post is about, just needed to get my thoughts out so that I can deal with this guy a bit longer.  I hope you all have a good weekend. :)  I will be trying to catch up on blogs at that point.  I haven't been commenting much this week, in my attempt to catch up, but hoping to be commenting on your blogs again this weekend. :)

PS  Two free DD books out today on Amazon. :)  Not sure if they are erotica or not.

Holding Hannah (Masters of The Castle) - Maren Smith

The Submissive School Girl - Jane Pearl

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Slowly Growing

I've disappeared for over a week, and I'm sorry about that.  It's been an emotional week, and it took a lot of processing for me.  We had something happen out of our control last week, and it was really hard emotionally to get through... I just had to deal with it and needed a lot of alone time to do so, so I am sorry that I am behind on your blogs as well. 

But during that time, I've been learning a lot about DD as well and about our marriage.

Over the past few months, I've been on over kill with having a reved up libido.  Not sure why, but I've been going crazy.  I think it might be the hormone vitamins I'm on, but can't say for certain.  There have been a few nights where I'm still awake at 3 in the morning because I can't sleep, my body is just too wild.  It's caused a lot of stress for me, and in the past, I would never have let the Duke know about it.  I thought I was a burden to him in this department.  The Duke never really sought me out for intimacies.  If we were intimate, it was because I brought it up, but I was always reluctant to do so for some reason.  Now, this year with DD, he has initiated more, but I am still nervous to initiate myself.  But I needed to last week, I was up until 4 in the morning one night because I literally had not slept until that point and knew that us being intimate was going to be the only way I was going to get any sleep at all because I was so reved up.  That is when the rule was made, the Duke said he wants me to tell him whenever I'm struggling like that, even if it's ten times a day, even if it's 4 in the morning.  It has made it a lot easier for me to admit.  and I'm actually kind of glad, it helps me see that me having a more reved libido than him is not something he is upset with me for. 

Another thing I am learning is that the Duke does not think of things often on his own.  He just doesn't, and honestly, he never did.  So me thinking, oh, he'll come up with things on his own for DD, well that just isn't going to happen.  So I took him some ideas you guys gave me last week, and now he wants me wearing dresses when I'm at home.  So this week I bought three dresses, and when a friend of mine found out, gave me a dress she bought and never wore.  So I have a skirt I already had, and four dresses, and have been wearing them the last few days.  It makes me feel good to wear them, and I actually feel more feminine.  I've never really gone around wearing dresses, and my not owning any since we got married will really show this point.

The Duke and I have had more talks, and I'm realizing I need to set some more things in DD and not just wait for him.  So, I'm trying to show more submission without him going for it first.  I'm asking permission for everything I do now.  I know it was weirding him out a bit, but he's getting more comfortable about it.  Imagine my surprise the other day when I asked if I could buy a book, and he asked me to tell him what it was about first.  I hesitantly told him, worried that he thought my increased libido was from reading books, and would say no.  But that wasn't his reason, he just wanted to be able to make a decision and wanted the facts to make that decision. 

So, we're growing in yet new ways, bit by bit, slowly.  Where does this all lead us?  Not sure, but it feels good.  It's not bells and whistles, it's not my heart pounding in my chest or floating on cloud nine, and maybe that's just me still recovering from last week, but whatever it is that we're going through now, it's a peaceful comfort that I have that we're settling into something that's going to last.

Friday, October 04, 2013


So, I know months ago, it was asked on someone's blog if anyone had submission exercises that their spouse used on them to really help them feel submissive, and at the time, many people said they didn't really have any ideas... but we've all grown in our relationships since then, and hoping this is okay to ask.

I struggle lately with keeping my submissive mindset.  I spend so much time in charge outside of home life, that it can be a bit difficult somedays to make the switch when I'm with the Duke again.  When this happens, the Duke's natural tendency is to let me lead as this is how it always used to work for us.  He's getting better at standing up, but I feel we need some fresh ideas on how to help him keep his HOH hat on, and for me to find that submissive mindset to not take charge by mistake.

It can be something small, or huge, but I'd love to hear your ideas.  He can already tell me to do housework or exercise, but I mean... something besides that that can be done at the drop of a hat.

If you have ANY suggestions, I'd love to hear them. :)  We are not very good at thinking outside of the box, and would love any ideas you have, or tales of things that definitely worked for you or your spouse. :)

I hope you all have a great weekend, and hopefully that thing I wrote about the other day, I'll have processed through it more and can write more about next week. :)

Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Spanking Comes Up With My Church Ladies

I promise to get to your comments from yesterday when I have a chance tomorrow. :)  Just need to do a bit more time for processing before answering. :)  But for now, wanted to tell you how spanking came up two times this past weekend at my Church's Ladies Retreat. :)

One time I was going to sit down on the edge of a bed to help get a card ready we were all signing for someone, and someone put a frying spatula down just before I went to sit down and I sat on it.  I joked and asked if I should worry that she was giving me a warning that I was about to have my butt toasted with it. ;)  The few people in the room laughed. :)

The second that happened later that day was that there was a six month old boy and nine month old girl that came along as they are still breast feeding.  Even though the boy is three months younger, he is the same size, if not larger than the girl.  Well they were on the grass at one point and the girl went behind the boy as he crawled along, she then placed one hand at the top of his butt, and the other hand she tapped on the middle of his butt repeatedly for quite some time.  We all laughed, and one person asked if she was spanking him.  I told them that the poor girl already let her secret wishes out, and we'd know what to look for for the rest of her life.  The mother of the boy said she did NOT want to know about it as her and the mother of the girl joke that their kids will marry someday.  I laughed.  The mother of the girl said her girl is probably thinking that he'll wear the pants in the family, but she'll lay down the law. ;)

Anyway, nothing spectacular, but two cute ways that spanking came up that I thought were funny. :)  Hope you're having a great day out there everyone. :)

Tuesday, October 01, 2013

Uncharted Territory

I am a week behind in blogs... and there hasn't been anything I could do about that.  I do hope to get to some today and work at catching up this week.  This week has been so exhausting, and I have not had time to do things.  Last weekend the Duke was at a men's retreat all weekend, and then this one I was away at a ladies retreat all weekend.  There was so much to do to prepare for them, and I got sick.

First of all, before I name the reason for this post, let me tell you, ladies, when an HOH tells you to do something for your own health... they'll probably know what they are talking about!  {Duke, you did NOT hear me admit this! ;)}

Last weekend because I was alone, I forgot to eat until at least three in the afternoon both Saturday and Sunday.  The Duke found out and I was surprised at how upset her was.  I now have a rule that I have to eat breakfast every single day.  Augh.  And, because I had so much stuff to do this week, I didn't get to bed by eleven one single night.  Most nights was midnight or later.  So, as you can guess, it was no surprise that I had a cold that started on Wednesday night.  A cold I had managed to fight off several times before that, I'd get a sore throat for a few hours, and then have nothing for a couple of weeks until I was around the next sick person.  If I'd been rested and eating well... I probably would have avoided it this time as well. So... the Duke knows what he's doing when he gives me these rules I guess... {Again, Duke, I am not admitting to ANYTHING.} lol

This week has also been an emotional roller coaster.  As we grow into this relationship... all the sudden I'm having behaviours I have never had.  I'm acting out like never before, being insecure in things I'd always tried to ignore, and just, it's weird.  The Duke and I have come head to head over things four times in a week!  That never, and I mean NEVER happens.  If we come head to head over something, it's usually months and months before it happens again.  So imagine our surprise when starting Monday last week, we had an altercation, Tuesday, Friday just before I left for the weekend and Sunday night not long after I got back, and who knows what would have happened if I'd been home all weekend. 

And the things we butted heads on were small, things that usually would never phase me.  All the sudden I felt attacked and unwanted.  The Duke realized part of it first, I realized the other part of it first.  I realized I was finally addressing the insecurities I'd carried around since I was a child of everything I did never being good enough.  Like literally, the other night, it was over the Duke saying the new meal I tried tasted different, and I felt attacked and tried to take his food from him to make a different meal and broke down crying when he wouldn't let me take the plate, and grabbed hold of me until I bawled my eyes out, refusing to let me flee to our room like I wanted.  The Duke realized I was finally allowing myself to act out because I'd never been allowed to at any point in my life with some of the other things that happened over the week.  Like on Friday an hour before I left, I broke an easily replaceable part on his cell phone, something we ordered last night.  But on Friday, I was panicked, and couldn't calm down, I started swearing, yelling, crying, all over a little cell phone and ruined our last hour together.  He realized he should have calmed me down, and now is making up for that.  lol

Last night when I tried to get him to relax and told him I'd hold my crap together... I was told that I needed the room to act out right now, and he was going to give it to me, and he didn't want me trying to hold it together if I couldn't.  I also have a new rule... partly at my urging.  He hates, and I mean, hates hearing me swear.  He likes me being the sweet wife he knows, and that puts us both on edge when I swear.  So on Sunday I suggested we try soaping if I did it again, and last night tried to talk him out of it!  What was I thinking?  But I really don't know what else will help when I'm that upset.

We both feel this time of letting me feel what I feel, and act out at times is needed, and will result in a good change for me, a freeing of myself to let go of my past, but I am worried about the process needed to get there.  The Duke seems okay, and we both hope it'll only last a month or two, or even less would be better!  But even if it takes longer, the Duke is behind me, and stepping up in ways I never thought possible, and is catching me also from having more break downs than necessary.  When I started to panic last night about house work because I got behind last week, the Duke strongly told me I was to calm down and stop getting worked up.  I was put to bed way early because I was so exhausted.  I was spanked a few times on Sunday just to help me calm down and keep me in line, among other things.

So... this is all uncharted territory for us, and I pray we get out alive. :)  I still have processing to do on this... so there may be more posts as I do so...