Sunday, December 31, 2017

The New Year Ahead


So, I am not big on New Years Resolutions.  I never really make them.  But this year I am making one.

I don't know if anyone remembers when I did a list of submission exercises about four years ago, but I have been thinking on how to show the Duke intentional love, respect, and attention this year.  In thinking on this, I found myself back at our list of submission exercises, done over four posts, that I posted here.

I have decided I want to take the year and really study these more, study what others do, and come up with new ideas.  I may even do another post or two later on in the year if I get enough new ideas.  I just, really want to step up how I work on my submission, and how we make it more and more a part of our every day lives in small ways that just feed into the whole.

I also aim to write on here once a week.  Whether just to say hi, share some things I am learning about our dynamic and our roles, or to share some greatly profound insights. ;)

What are your plans for the new year?  What goals do you have? :)

Thursday, December 21, 2017

In Case I Disappear :P LOL

So, apparently my life is constantly in danger, and no one ever warned me! :P

I have a basket on the back of my toilet that holds three rolls of toilet paper.  Whenever it gets down to one, I refill it.  Except lately I have somehow been missing to notice when it needs refilled until I'm the one on the toilet, staring at an empty toilet roll, AND an empty basket.

Three other adults in the house, and no one else fills it.  So I have come to the conclusion that the only real explanation to be had is that filling this basket is somehow extremely dangerous, and every time I fill it, I take my life into my own hands. :P

So if one day I all the sudden just disappear, you'll know the basket got the better of me. :P

Hmmm, I wonder if there is any way in DD to get this problem corrected... any suggestions? :P

- If you were hoping for a DD post, my last one was a few days ago. :)

Monday, December 18, 2017

The Beauty of Inconsistency

I have been banished to my room.  For some reason I am an emotional mess today.  I think it's having a migraine, too little sleep, and a toddler that knows way more than me, and fights to let me know it all day for the past three weeks.  So the Duke saw me near tears, and sent me for some alone time.  It was non negotiable.  I have Maria on in the background ( and taking some time to relax.  Maria is an ASMR artist (relaxation and tingles) that my best friend introduced me to about three years ago.  I don't get to listen to her often, but she helps me relax sometimes. :)   I'm also knitting Christmas stockings while banished to my room for the three of us, and taking a break to check in.

So, this month marks 5 years I've been blogging.  WHAT?!  A lot of the past couple years has really been hit and miss with a new baby, and then several issues for that baby, who is about to be 3!!  Can you believe it!?  But life is starting to hit a place where I feel I can finally balance and really hope to check in at least once a week.

So to describe what I've learned about consistency, you need to know what life is like a bit.  Since baby, the Duke had a major car accident and was a bit of a ride to recovery, we moved to a new town, my parents moved in, my mom was rushed to hospital and we weren't sure she'd ever be coming back and now stays in bed most of the time, I returned to working again from home before baby was one, the last two years of the Duke's job have been extremely stressful, and they keep threatening to fire him because he refuses to do some things that are just not right, and will now lose his job in January for sure by the sounds of it.  I have had several health issues, most of all migraines, almost all the time from lack of sleep due to little one's health issues.  They aren't major, but they do mean very little sleep most nights, as in months on end of 2-4 hours a night every night.

So, where does consistency fit into all of this?  It doesn't.  But beautifully so. Back five years ago, I would have been so upset, I would have been angry, and flung accusations at the Duke.  I would have pouted when alone, gone off and cried, and wondered why the Duke just couldn't step up and lead.  I would have been hurt, and took his inconsistency as a personal insult, and would have taken it to mean that I just wasn't worth it.  Yep, I was that woman, I look back and literally hang my head with heavy disappointment over my behaviour, how I let my mind go to the darkest place every time, and how I put so much pressure on the Duke.  Sure, the dark spots had a lot to do with losing our son a few years before, but it was also not knowing how to handle seemingly negative things in my life.

But now, things are different.  I have grown as a person so much.  The Duke works hard, and is super stressed from a job that constantly holds firing him over his head, while trying to make him feel like a naughty three year old all the time that needs to be checked up on and corrected all the time.  The turn over rate at his job is very high, yet he's been there over 12 years.  So when he comes home he then tries to balance our marriage, child, my parents, life and other things.  That doesn't leave much time for consistency.  And to be honest, I find that good in some ways.  I have found a new love for my husband.  A new appreciation that was never there before.  The Duke is not a natural born leader.  In fact, the Duke gets overwhelmed at times, and his brain freezes.  He doesn't want it to, and I won't lie, that trait can drive me crazy in a crisis because he literally can't move, but it's who he is.  10 years of marriage have proven that to me.  And in learning about the Duke more and more, I have this softness that has grown because of this trait, a protectiveness.  I realize our marriage is both of us fighting for each other, protecting each other, and taking care of each other.  My job is to protect this part of the Duke, to not reach the point where he is overwhelmed, and in turn, he is able to step up a lot more.

So what does this mean? 

It means when he calls me because he worries about probably being fired next month, that I'm there to encourage him, and let him know that if he gets fired, we'll find a way to make it work, that God has never not provided for our needs, and we're not going to start doubting now.  I let him know how proud I am of him for trying is best, his stats have gone way up the past few months.  And I let him know that I am very proud of him for refusing to budge on his morals to do better at his job.

It means that I know that intimacy is a great stress reliever, but the Duke rarely thinks of that when he is so stressed.  So it's my job to make sure he's taken care of in this area at least a few times a week.  It helps flush out the stress, it helps him feel connected to me, it helps take him out of the worry.

It means that when he's getting really down, I try to find ways to make him feel special.  Whether that be to go and get our dowel (because it's quiet) and let him know that if he needs some control in his life at that moment, to feel free to use it on me.  I look for ways to make him smile, like making food he likes, or letting him know when we have it in the budget to get take out because he likes takeout.  It means cleaning as much of the house as I can so that he doesn't come home and feel like he has to clean.  More and more I find my submissive self if I look for ways to meet the Duke's needs, especially during this time when normally the threat of losing his job would make him feel defeated, maybe even less like a real man.

I give, and I submit, and as I do these, as I feed into him, he feeds into me.  He's started giving me little spankings just because.  I actually got two this weekend, the stinker. ;)  He's gotten way more dominant in the bedroom again.  He gives me swat bys a few times a week now.  He grabs me in tight for a kiss more now.  He has started taking my emotional and physical health more seriously, and so I sit here alone in our room. :)  He's coming along beside me, and making me feel more important, and more cared for.

Things aren't consistent, but they are wonderful.  We understand each other more now, we have more grace, I see nothing lacking right now, even though punishments are non existent, though to be honest I haven't had time to get into trouble. :P  He is giving his very best to me right now.  His best.  And honestly, I look at how some days I struggle and work to give my all, and look at how little that is sometimes, and how can I be anything but grateful for him?  How could I even entertain the thought of asking him for more?  Of demanding he be something he isn't?  He is such a wonderful man, and no one is ever going to love me anywhere near as much as this man does.  We will probably never be 100% consistent... and I actually find that beautiful.  If there are great DD couples, we wouldn't measure up, and even that makes me smile.  As I said a few days ago, we're just us, and I love that. :)  I am so thankful to be living this live with him.  Good days, bad days, and everything in between.  I am so thankful.

Saturday, December 16, 2017

A Bit (A LOT) Personal :)

Whether you are new to DD, D/s or what have you, or you've been practicing for a while, hopefully you have heard it said that you need to make DD your own.

Sometimes I want to talk about things we do to encourage submission, but then, some of those things we do were greatly frowned upon by some blogs when I first started out, and so I shied away from ever sharing.

I don't think I've ever shared this before, but maybe I have.  We have told you we have a toy chest, so you may have guessed anyway.  We use... um... bottom plugs.  There.  *gulp*  We use them.  It may not shock anyone, but we grew up so conservative that I don't normally talk about this stuff.  We don't use them a lot, but we do find they put me in a submissive mindset in a way that nothing else does.  It makes me feel small, owned, cared for, and I feel the need to submit to the core of my being.

In the beginning, I read a popular blog that said that a couple should never use them because the only point in using them was to degrade and humiliate the woman.  I was so disappointed. 

We hadn't tried one yet, but I really wanted to for some reason, and somehow, I let their words be rule.  Thankfully the Duke and I realized through the course of DD that we wanted to take the step to try one.  That it would never be used to harm me, or lower me in his eyes in any way.  And have we ever been blessed that we tried.  It brings me to a place of complete calm that I am not sure I ever feel any way else.  Those of you that know I'm a Christian, please don't get me wrong, I have felt calm with God as well, but I think God uses even this moment with the Duke to show me the complete calm I can feel in submission, be it to Him, or the Duke, in a real, tangible way.

So this week we got a new set.  I was so excited and terrified all at the same time as one was bigger than I'd ever tried before.  But the Duke wanted me to try it, and I wanted to please him so much.  He was so patient with me, and I was really proud of myself afterwards.  I reached a level of calm and feeling submissive that I just didn't know existed.  I think mostly from how the Duke supported and encouraged me and really showed me how much he had me and that I could trust him.

So, just another way we make DD, D/s our own.  I feel submission in the center of my chest.  Literally, it's not just psychological or emotional, I feel the weight just below the center of my collar bone.  It is one of the few things in life that make me feel like I am living my purpose.

What rules did you think there were in DD when you started that you had to break for the sake of your marriage? :)

I know I have many.  These may work for your marriage, but they didn't for ours.  Some of them are:

- There should be no intimacy after a spanking, it will only reward the tih.  -  But if I've been really punished, I need that connection afterwards, not as a reward, but because I'm so utterly open and vulnerable, and need to feel his strength.
- We needed to have a list of rules.  -  That didn't work, it was too much micromanaging that the Duke didn't have time for and made me feel trapped.  The Duke and I both know when I've crossed a line in what is appropriate behaviour, we don't need a list of rules to tell us.
- The husband always has to be consistent.  -  And that would be nice, but life doesn't work that way, especially with little one and parents living in the house with us.  To expect him of it really messed up our marriage for a while.  Now I know he is when he can be, and that he's not neglecting me if he can't.

I say we're DD and D/s, but not even sure that applies to us.  We're us.  I hope you're making your marriage yours as well.  It won't look like anyone else's.  That's not only okay, it's BEAUTIFUL.  Find the things that make you different and celebrate it.  Different does not mean wrong.  I thought I was so different the Duke could never deal with me.  Now he not only meets the needs I hid, he insists on meeting them for me to be a happier woman.  He likes meeting my needs now, when I used to worry he'd think I was a complete freak.

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Dominant Men

I am writing this post on Sunday, and post dating a few days so that I'm not double posting on the same day.

I read a line yesterday or the day before that ripped me apart, and also made me angry.

"A dominant man will always destroy a marriage."


My goodness the world is getting very opinionated, I know... I am one of them, but I really try to hide a lot of my opinions, and work on taming them.  But this one hurt, and then, as I said, angered me.  I think the world too often links the words dominant with dictator, abuser, and utterly selfish behaviour together.

Yes, there is a kind of dominance that can kill a marriage.  A man that never listens to his wife, who belittles her, who demands more and more from her with never giving a thing in return. A man who seeks to humiliate, dehumanize, and torture the one he is supposed to love.

BUT, there is a huge, gigantic BUT in here.  There are dominant men who make marriages thrive, who bring new life when a marriage looks dead, who comes in on his brave white horse and saves the day.  Those men, those men do not kill marriages.  They make their wives feel loved again.  They make them feel wanted.  They make them feel desired.  They lavish love, attention and care on them.  They share their burdens, and help lighten their loads.  They let their wives know they aren't alone, they have help, they are protected, they are worth all they have to give, and more.  These men come in and heal, restore, and bring balance.

I feel there should be two totally different words for these two types of men, and until there is, the two should never, ever, be lumped in together in the same group.  I want a dominant man.  I want that.  I want the kind I described second because our marriage thrives with that man, and almost died before this side of him came out.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Disagreements - Because We Both Can Win

I haven't been on in a while, and I'm often saying that.  I'm so sorry.  I'm still finding it hard to manage marriage, child, job, parents moving in, hubby's job on the line YET again, drama with family, some unexpected drama with friends, and on and on.  But, as life spirals more and more out of control, I needed to look at the Duke and let him know I REALLY need him now more than ever.  This constant hanging on the fence of DD, D/s needed to stop.  So I was looking for advice online to help us, and found this blog called "God's Gift To Him."  It is from 2009 and 2010.  Man, how have I NEVER found this blog before???  I have only read a few posts, but they're AMAZING.  I love, love, LOVE this paragraph here!  It is a post written by the husband.

"So today I want to talk about disagreements because you have asked much about them.  Does being the leader mean my wife never gets her way?  no.  NO NO NO NO NO.  In fact, when any struggle for power, any struggle to come out on top is removed, I’m MUCH more inclined to listen better to her, to really understand her and then to make a decision that is best for US.  Before, I wanted my way, would shout my side, would fight to win.  Life is easier this way even if she gets her way more often.  Now that there is no struggle, winning doesn’t matter, what’s best for us matters.  The problem is, she’s so smart that she’s often right.  Before, admitting it meant I lost, now admitting means We win."

This is us.  This is the Duke and I.  When people don't understand why I want to be a submissive wife, when they say that's degrading, and stupid, and I obviously have no respect for myself, I just want to scream that they don't understand.  But this, this paragraph, sums up so much I wish they understood so awesomely!  I actually get my way more often in being submissive.  I am much happier.  I am trusted, my value is seen, I am listened to, not just in words, but in entire meaning.  What I say, think, feel, it matters way more now.  I honestly cannot think of one thing I have sacrificed in being submissive.  I can give you a list of one hundred things, or more that are better, but I honestly cannot say one way in which being submissive has been wrong for me.

Monday, September 04, 2017

"Toy" Storage ;)

With a child that no longer respects the fact that we may have dresser drawers we don't want them in, lol, and my parents living with us, and the Duke's family visiting often and staying in our room when they do, we needed new storage for our "toys".  I was starting to worry someone would finally find our secret stash.  Our DD/Submission books, our DD contract, our intimate toys and DD toys, and our spanking implements.

So I've been looking for the past few years.  Nothing seemed to fit our needs.  Any adult toy storage we could find only had a couple slots, and with some toys being glass, some silicone, some metal, etc, where I didn't want any two toys being able to bump into each other, those did NOT fit our needs.  Now, we have these, and we don't have enough toys to fill up all the slots, ;) but now we can go wild and get more stuff. :P  lol  Not really, but it will be nice to have more room for it we do get more later.

After much thought, I had decided to have a box built with a lip in it for a cutlery tray or two to rest on and stuff be stored underneath.  It was the best way to keep everything separate I could think of.  Finally found these beauties today after a year of searching.  They're second hand, in like new condition, for only $5 each!  Most of the dividers in the one on the right are removable. :)  So now to have the box built to the dimensions of these trays with a lip for each, and then paddles and such will be stored in the bottom, and these trays will just lift out.  So excited.  We'll be putting a lock on it, and everything secured and tucked away in one box.  I will have a lot more peace of mind when this is finally done. :)

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Keeping On Communicating

If you are a DD or D/s couple, you know that communication has to become a key part of how you live this lifestyle.  So when all the sudden the Duke seemed to be hiding something, I was struggling on what to do, or how to handle it, without being disrespectful. 

He's been quite down all the sudden.  There were times of joy, but they were short lived compared to how often he seemed to be very depressed.  I would ask him what was wrong, and he would tell me that nothing was wrong.  I would ask if something happened at work, and again, he would tell me nothing.  After several weeks, I really worried something was going on.  Doubts started to creep in, and one of them was that he was beginning to regret our marriage or he was beginning to be interested in someone else.

So I had to bite the bullet and follow my rule of not keeping secrets, of not allowing something to fester inside of me without talking to him about it.  So I went to him and admitted that I felt he was really hiding something from me.  He said he wasn't.  I told him something was wrong.  He said there wasn't.  I braved myself up and asked in nothing but a whisper if there was someone else, I feel sick even remembering how scared I was in that moment.  Thankfully he laughed, said no, there was no one else, and comforted me.  I really can't see him ever doing that, but I had no idea what was going on.  We talked.  Come to find out, he is down, though he couldn't really put his finger on why.  I know work is hard, and we've been extra busy lately, and he said those may be it.  So for the next little bit, we're going to try to really be low key so he can get some down time. 

Thankfully no spanking was issued for asking if there was someone else. :)  Nor for being persistent.  But I am so thankful, for the millionth time, that we have learned these great communication skills, and that I have the rule of not allowing things to fester.  I know if I let it go long term, I could have worked myself into quite a tailspin.  And I honestly believe left to fester, his would get bad too.  Hopefully cutting things back for now will help him get to a happier, more peaceful, place.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

NEW POST - DD and Weight Loss?

Hello guys.  So I have a question for you.  I have heard some of you use DD in the past for helping you in your weight loss goals, and wondered if any of you would be able to share things that worked for you, or things that were real pitfalls in using DD to help you towards your goals?

Here is what is going on for us.  I got an early birthday/mother's day gift of a pedometer because it was on sale quite cheap.  I'd been wanting one for close to a year, and we decided the splurge was worth it.  It has really helped.  I got one with a heart rate monitor (Garmin Vivosmart HR) so that I could see how I was doing with that as well.  Well my first day was May 15th, so about a month and a half I have been doing it.  Seeing the numbers on my wrist band really help.  I am much more active now.  I would say I was only getting about 5k steps a day before, now it says I average 13k steps a day, and that's in total since the beginning.  I just started taking Sunday as a rest day the past three Sundays, and seem to be getting about 6-8k those days.  It also helps to see how many minutes I've been active, and to see my resting heart rate go down over time.  It's now 67 on average for resting heartrate!  My first couple of days, it was so hard to get below 100, and near impossible to get below 85 and 90.

So right now this is all new to me, and I am very motivated to keep doing this, but I know a day will come when I just want to quit.  I know me.  I'm hoping it's a way off, but I want to prepare anyway.  I want to put some rules into place.  So far I haven't changed much of how I eat, but I've still lost 10 pounds as of yesterday, though I had lost none in the first month, so glad to finally see some results.  I have changed my lunch to a salad at least three days a week, but that's it diet wise.  I am doing changes slowly so that I stick to them.  I usually jump both feet in and give up pretty quickly.  I am hoping that by making a small change every 3-4 weeks, I'll be more likely to stick with it.

So... what rules do you have for yourself to help with your weight loss, or weight maintenance goals?  Do you have to be active so many minutes/days a week?  Do you have to reach a certain number of steps?  Are you allowed cheat days if you're dieting?  And what were your consequences if you cheated or didn't work out, etc?  Would just love to know the things that are working for you, and maybe know about some of your pitfalls as well so that we can learn from them. :) :)

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Finding Our Groove

SO, I think DD is on a good path for us right now.  I haven't earned any punishment spankings, sorry to disappoint. LOL  We will not add to the fact that I have neither had the time or the energy to act out at all to get one. :P

I have been working on my health more.  Got myself a fitness tracker, and been aiming for 13-15 thousand steps a day for six days a week.  I am feeling better over all, but having a very hard time after I eat all the sudden, so will have to look into that if it doesn't settle soon.  But the great thing is, is how much the Duke is supporting me in all of this.  Before when I would try to lose weight, he'd be okay with it, and occasionally notice how hard I was working, but now, he's very attentive.  He's very supportive, and he's very quick with genuine praise.  And not just "GOOD JOB!"  But "GOOD JOB, Honey!  I know you're tired, and you're working so hard.  I'm proud of you."  and things like that.

It's more of the little things that make me so happy to be in this lifestyle.  He's firm more often, I was so tired last night after 6 hours of a bloated, PAINFUL stomach cramping ordeal.  I was only at 10k steps, but he put his foot down.  I was not doing any more last night, and I needed that.  I needed someone to step up and save me from myself.  And that may be my most favourite part of DD.  The Duke knowing when to save me from myself.  I KNEW I needed to rest, but I also KNEW I had promised myself to get to 13k steps a day if at all possible.  Thankfully I didn't have to decide.

Loving the place we're at.  Playful swats as he catches me alone, having a hard time to keep his hands to himself, last night he even pinned me down just because he could.  He's checking in with me several times a day to see how I'm doing, taking my not so baby anymore when I need half an hour to myself, especially when I was in so much pain yesterday, and on and on.  Something has changed lately... and I'm not sure what it is, but I'm feeling like a teenager in love again.  :)  When I figure out what has caused the change, I'll let you know. :)  But for now, I'm enjoying it. :)

I hope all is well in your worlds.  I know DD is a different world, and I worry about doing these posts sometimes because of how hard DD can be, but it can be REALLY good too. :)  If you're reading, and you're new, please don't think we started off this way, or even got there quickly.  LOL  This has been a long road, a lot of give and take, talking and listening, fighting and making up, tears and joy, broken hearts and healing, and on and on.  The first 2-3 years especially were so hard, and I can't even tell you really how we got through them, except that we decided we weren't going to give up.  Not sure this paragraph matters... but I remember reading posts like this in the early days, and getting very idealistic... and that isn't always bad... but for us it was, and so just to help you see the reality of our road to this point I wanted to share. :)  I think it's been about four and a half years now since we started, about 5 since I started mentioning it... but we're getting there.  I really feel we've found our groove now, and am enjoying it. :) 

PS just realized I still have a bunch of old posts I haven't put back up yet... will try to do that asap... not that they'll get read, but I'd still like to have them up for those of you that write me and tell me you've gone back to the beginning.  Every time I get a message like that, it surprises me, and humbles me.  I am so thankful for my readers.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

A Little Bit Of Fun

Wow, I cannot believe how long it's been since I wrote.  I am so sorry.  We've been sick almost constantly, and it's amazing how time flies when that happens.  Here's hoping that spring brings about health! :)

So today the Duke was taking on guilt over a very small issue, and something he had absolutely no control over.  So I joked that he needed a spanking, and actually got a swat in before he grabbed me by the waist and spanked me.  I laughingly hissed a bit loudly that my parents were in house, and they'd hear!  He only laughed really hard and spanked me firmly three more times.  :)  Our daughter walked in and so the Duke let me go, and I jokingly told her to tell Daddy to be good.  So she obediently said "Be good, Daddy." with a smile.

Just a nice light hearted moment, but I love these moments. :)  The connection between us, the family dynamic, the light hearted fun, all of it.  We get less of these bonding moments together as a family with my parents living with us, so I grab a hold and cherish them when we do get them. :)

Saturday, March 11, 2017

"I do NOT want you to worry about this."

Those are the words that the Duke said to me yesterday when I started to fret over how to tighten up the budget when he got another warning at work for not meeting his sales target.  When his job switched between companies, he was told he would have the same position, which technically he does.  But now they care about sales, and not customer service.  A bad move for the company I think.  Not once in over a year has he been Q&A'ed over how he serves the customer. 

Anyway, I was worried.  He works so hard, his job is very stressful, and he still gives and gives at his job.  And in fact, there are many times he can't meet his quota because there isn't enough customers that meet the criteria for a sale.  Which REALLY bothers me!  How can he be held responsible for something that is impossible for him to accomplish?  Anyway... sorry, little rant.

So when I worried about what to do it if he lost his job, he put his foot down.  Plain and simple, and FIRMLY said.  "I do NOT want you to worry about this."  Of course, my worry got the best of me and I spoke to challenge him... :(  "But I am responsible for the budget, and I need to be working even harder to save us money right now, and..." "I DO NOT want you worrying about this."


Okay.  It is one command I will struggle to obey, but will definitely work on.  Since he is the bread winner in our family, that makes it even more stressful.  I make a bit of money on the side, but no where near enough to cover our expenses.  We do have money saved up, but just shy of the amount needed to replace our oil tank and furnace that have to be replaced in two months.  Actually we have enough for the replacement, but have decided to go $500 more and get a heat pump with forced air instead as it will be much cheaper in the long run.   We will have enough in two months for that, but that leaves no room for needing money for if he loses his job.  We've been trying to save all we can, and still, the house and car have needed repairs, we both missed A LOT of work in February because of winter storms, add a few other unexpected things, and it's all just set us so that our little emergency fund to get us through if a job was lost is now depleted.  But God has never let us go without before, so we just have to trust, and I have to sit down and trust that I can do as the Duke asks of me.  To NOT worry about it... Hope I can do it. :)

Tuesday, February 07, 2017

Last Night

I want to thank everyone that wrote to help calm me down.

All that work up, and nothing happened.  Our daughter got a fever, and with freezing temperatures outside, we decided we had to keep her home, and the Duke did not want me to go by myself.  So I ended up not meeting with my sister after all.  So now I just hope this is the end for now.  I am sad that things have gotten to this point, but the Duke doesn't want me talking to her anymore.  And that actually feels great.  This isn't my decision.  I would decide to keep putting up with the abuse, feeling I had to to keep our relationship going.  But the Duke sees that that isn't good for me.  I feel such relief that this decision is made for me!  I don't need to feel guilty for stepping back either, I'm just obey my husband.  It's out of my hands. :)

Monday, February 06, 2017

Terrified :(

Today my submission is being tested to a completely new level.  Today I do not want to do something with my whole heart. 

I think I mentioned it a bit ago about a sister that believes I have lied to her, and now has brought up more and more things she thinks I've lied about in the past.  It has been one horrible phone call after another.  Thankfully, the Duke says he no longer wants me to talk to her... AFTER he wants me to visit with her tonight because she's in town.  He is going with me... and my parents are supposed to be there... but I'm still TERRIFIED.  She says everything she's accused me of has been in love to help me bring the truth to light.  But I have told the truth, everyone in my family believes I've told the truth except for her.  She even went so far as to get her family to call and sing happy birthday to my daughter, and then ask to speak to me alone just to accuse me again.  It ruined the day for me, and I spent an hour in tears.  I don't want to talk to her anymore.  I don't want to see her. I have done all I can to keep the peace and still she attacks.

But, I'm going.  The Duke wants me to.  He feels we should show the more mature side in this.  I literally feel like I'm going to throw up.  Thankfully the Duke has also said if she tries even for a second to bring up all this garbage, or accuse me of anything, he will tell her we will not be discussing it, and that it is time for us to leave.  Part of me hopes she says nothing, part of me hopes she says something in the first two minutes so we can turn right back around and leave.

This is NOT going to be a fun night for me. :(  I really, really, REALLY would rather not go. :(  I have a broken toe... that didn't work as an excuse. :P  *SIGH*

Maybe afterwards I'll ask for a spanking to get rid of the stress.  We haven't done one lately, with parents now living with us, we get little time alone... but it might be a night to do it.