First of all, sorry for my little break down yesterday. I wanted to go back and delete it, or at least large chunks of what I wrote. I'm very rarely a winey brat, I hate to complain, so don't do it often, but the Duke wouldn't let me delete anything. He told me I needed to get it out, and that it was the truth. I just hate how I did it, so I am sorry.
Thank you to everyone who wrote. I promise to reply later today if time allows. Your support meant so much. I do think we just have to lay down the law a bit more. I do not know of any programs here that would help my parents live on their own, but I will be praying about it and looking into some things. I also can deal most days with everything, put on a happy face, and do what needs to be done, it's just, every once in a while that is bubbles above the surface.
I was told last night the Duke arranged a date for us this week!!! Now, no biggie for most people, but I mentioned to the Duke about a month ago that it had been over 4 years or more since he set up a date for us. It's always me who suggests it, figures out where we're going, when, and setting up babysitting. So I asked him twice this month to do it, and he did. But this week's date was a COMPLETE surprise to me. :) I just... wasn't sure if he even wanted to do dates anymore, and I started doing them very far between. Like, one a month. Last week we had one and this week we're having one. :) :) :)
Another thing is that we got a new bed for baby girl. It got here this weekend, and yesterday the Duke put it together, by himself. He just had to have me help for a few minutes. But for 2 hours he put it together. Usually it would be left for me to do by myself. He's also running two errands for me, which actually, I have to admit, on that he is usually very good about doing. I am very thankful for that. Last night I was getting baby girl ready for bed, and I came out, and he was cleaning the living room for me. He had read my post. I told him I love him. And I do. I love that man like crazy. We just have to get to a different place, and I'm feeling hope that we can. He also copped a feel in the hallway late last night, which led us to the bedroom. ;) He usually never initiates, it's usually me. It just... I'm starting to feel that love tank level lift off the dusty basement floor of my heart and hover an inch above it. :) Yes, it has a way to climb, but, at least it's off the ground now. :)
A made bed, told of a planned date night, cleaning my living room, and initiating intimacy. Even with a tension headache, it was a GOOD night. :) I can't wait to see what tonight brings. :)
Wednesday, September 26, 2018
Tuesday, September 25, 2018
When Submission Is Taken Advantage Of
I have been working on keeping my posts upbeat, and happy, so I'm sorry this one isn't, to show the good sides of what we're going through. I don't ever like to paint the Duke in a bad light, and I'm not going to be complaining, but I am going to be honest about where we're at, and how we're getting back to DD. Sorry it's a bit long too, will probably take a few minutes to read.
I don't know how to write this post. It means admitting that my world isn't perfect. I means sharing how hurt I've been lately, and the steps we're taking to fix it. I do ask that if anyone comments, please be kind, I'm already so beaten down right now. I'm putting my foot down more and more, especially with my parents, but it takes time to build that up so that they don't completely make my life miserable.
I don't matter in my house. Before we had our daughter, DD helped save our marriage which had died, and then with DD it was great in so many ways. Since she was born, the Duke plays at DD at times, but not for long. Like maybe 2-5 days, and then he goes off again for months, not doing anything. I have come to realize our marriage is not a marriage that can survive without DD. Whenever we don't have it, I become invisible. Worse, I become a slave and invisible. I don't matter.
For this to make sense, if you don't know, my parents also live with us now. No, I am not that good of a person, I was willing when they were older, but they are 59 and 66, I thought I had way more time, but they had to leave their condemned house, and had no where else to go. They can't afford to live anywhere.
So, in this house, no one notices if there's a hot meal every day, food in the fridge and cupboard, rooms clean, laundry done, kid taken care of, etc. But boy, do they notice it when it's not done. No one notices when I'm sad, or happy, or dying inside. No one asks me how they can help me, if I'm doing okay, or care to take even ten seconds to show that I matter. I'm ignored for the sake of games, computer, and other interests by everyone here.
It's take, take, take. My daughter understandably takes from me, as do the children I work with. But then my parents both take and take. All day long it's a fight to keep them obeying the rules we set down before they moved in. Some I've just stopped fighting. I'm so tired of having to stand my ground. I just want to hand them the keys to my house, take off, and tell them to have fun destroying my house like they did their own. I'm tired of being responsible for everything. Every single time my mother asks to talk to me, I want to leave, because she only ever wants to talk to me to challenge one of the rules we have for them, and how it's not fair to her. I have started demanding she spend some time with our daughter. It's not happening yet, but I'm still working on it. She'll tell me that she came out for a minute the day before and my daughter ignored her. I ask if she even told my daughter she was there. She won't answer me. I tell her she can't ignore her and then expect her to be all excited when she is around. She has to work on it, that our daughter is three, and she's 59, but no longer will she go a month at a time without seeing my daughter at all. The doors to their rooms are three feet apart. That's RIDICULOUS. Dad wants to be able to complain to me about all the things wrong in life, but if I even mention my discontentment for a second with something going on, he literally gets up and walks out of the room. I am so not kidding about this.
My dad is in charge of dishes, yet I'm still having to do several loads a week because he can't keep up... he's only 66. Mom is 59 and doesn't help at all. Not a finger, ever. She stays in her room all day long every single day, and wonders why no one wants to throw her a 60th birthday party next year... um, she won't even visit with anyone when they come over. She doesn't want to. Why would she do something she doesn't want to do? I literally just want to shake her and tell her that's life. The Duke is in charge of cat food, cat litter, mowing the lawn once a month, and the garbage. Everything else I'm in charge of. Our money, our house, our car, all the meals, all the cleaning, all the laundry, and everything to do with our child. Everything. I go to bed exhausted from standing my ground with kids and my parents all day, being ignored all the time, and no one caring to help. My house is never caught up. There are not enough hours in the day to keep up with this many people.
In the past two weeks, these have happened. The bathroom mat got pushed and blocked the door from closing correctly, so that it had to be slammed to close it. I left it that way for three days to see what would happen, no one fixed it. The scales got flipped over in the bathroom somehow, I left them for two days. No one noticed to fix it. I left the bathroom toilet for two weeks, and almost made myself sick. With five people and one bathroom, it had a black line above the water line an inch thick all the way around. I finally had to ask the Duke to take care of it because I was going to throw up if I had to look at it any more and I determined I was not the one cleaning it. I recently stopped helping with dishes since it's not supposed to be my job. By the end of the week my counter, stovetop and table top were covered. So, when my submission turns into me being a slave, I start to build resentment. I don't mind taking care of my house, I love doing most of this stuff, but I mind being expected that I'm the only one taking care of it. I can't keep up with them all. I have a job too, just like him, plus I do most of taking care of our daughter. My dad does do most of the grocery shopping, and some of the dishes, but mom does nothing at all. Something has to give. I need more help.
Every time I talk with the Duke's mother, she tells me how I'm either not taking care of my house right, not being a good mother, and not being a good wife. This summer, the Duke got livid when he ordered a chicken meal with taters, and when he got it home, it was half fries and half taters. I mean, he was livid, he doesn't get angry often, so this surprised me. Yet, if his mom attacks me over and over again, he just shrugs it off figuring I'll take care of it if it's really bothering me, not realizing that every time I try to deal with it, she makes things worse. I have asked for his help with her over and over again, and he never gives it. He's just glad it's not him she's attacking. I try to not be a nagging wife, so I literally will make a mental note of the exact day I last brought up something like this, and make myself wait 6-12 months before bringing it up again, or longer, so that it gives him time to think on it and grow, and for me not to be a nag. But, then he thinks because I don't nag, it's not important to me, even if I was crying or near livid when I tell him. :( I just... honestly feel he cared more about those taters than he does about me. He's never gotten even a quarter that livid if someone is mean to me...
I'm exhausted of having to deal with everyone all day long. I'm exhausted from dealing with everyone else's tempers and complaints and bad days, and then when I finally show that I'm having a bad day, or sad, angering everyone and being told I am way too sensitive and get upset too easily, mostly it's my mom that says that, and, no, never the Duke, but he doesn't stop it either. I'm tired of having to be strong for everyone else, and no one stepping up to be strong for me.
So, I finally sat down with the Duke a few weeks ago and said I was done. Absolutely done. That if I died that day, no one would miss me, save our child. They would miss all the things I did for them, but that they would not miss me. I told him I was worthy of mattering and being loved, and that if I wasn't to them, I would have to leave. Not to be mean, not to get back at them all, but because I had to protect myself from more harm. He didn't believe me. two days later I addressed it again. And still, he saw how happy I tried to be each day, and brushed it off. So we talked a third time, and I think he's finally starting to understand how unloved I feel. He thought doing a thing or two would fix everything, but I told him we were talking about years of neglect, years of him and everyone else abusing my love and my want to help. That I was empty with everyone only taking, and no one feeding into me, and that it wasn't going to be a quick five minute fix. As a submissive, I really long to be cared for, to matter, to be led, to obey, to take care of, to help. But I can't just be taking care of and helping without being shown I matter, without a bit of leading.
I feel selfish being at this point... but that's what has happened. He's trying now. I know he wants me to be better right away, but I just don't have it in me. I still feel unloved, and like he's just acting at loving me right now. His compliments and encouragement are done in a very fake voice, he doesn't know how to give them sincerely, he's never had to. I encourage and compliment him daily, but he doesn't know how to. :( He's started to help, if I flat out ask. He still doesn't just look around and see if there is anything he can do to help. He's starting to check on me a few times in the past few weeks. One day he checked about if I was getting enough sleep, and one day he ordered me to eat healthier, I wrote about that day. And those things are good, and helping, I wish he would do it more, but we'll see. He did a maintenance Monday night... and I wanted to tell him I needed longer, but didn't want to do anything to wreck the fact that he even tried. I just hope we can keep growing. I can't take being ignored anymore. I can't take being treated like a slave with no thought to my physical and emotional well being. I matter, and I can't pretend any more that I don't. DD saved us before, it made him happy and stopped being so depressed, it helped him see how much I care and helped him care for me, it made him see outside of himself and invest in me and our marriage, and he was happier for it. This withdrawing into himself totally, isn't doing anyone any good. I can compliment and encourage him until the end of the earth, and when he's like this, it doesn't matter. I need him to do this for him, for me, for us.
I don't know how to write this post. It means admitting that my world isn't perfect. I means sharing how hurt I've been lately, and the steps we're taking to fix it. I do ask that if anyone comments, please be kind, I'm already so beaten down right now. I'm putting my foot down more and more, especially with my parents, but it takes time to build that up so that they don't completely make my life miserable.
I don't matter in my house. Before we had our daughter, DD helped save our marriage which had died, and then with DD it was great in so many ways. Since she was born, the Duke plays at DD at times, but not for long. Like maybe 2-5 days, and then he goes off again for months, not doing anything. I have come to realize our marriage is not a marriage that can survive without DD. Whenever we don't have it, I become invisible. Worse, I become a slave and invisible. I don't matter.
For this to make sense, if you don't know, my parents also live with us now. No, I am not that good of a person, I was willing when they were older, but they are 59 and 66, I thought I had way more time, but they had to leave their condemned house, and had no where else to go. They can't afford to live anywhere.
So, in this house, no one notices if there's a hot meal every day, food in the fridge and cupboard, rooms clean, laundry done, kid taken care of, etc. But boy, do they notice it when it's not done. No one notices when I'm sad, or happy, or dying inside. No one asks me how they can help me, if I'm doing okay, or care to take even ten seconds to show that I matter. I'm ignored for the sake of games, computer, and other interests by everyone here.
It's take, take, take. My daughter understandably takes from me, as do the children I work with. But then my parents both take and take. All day long it's a fight to keep them obeying the rules we set down before they moved in. Some I've just stopped fighting. I'm so tired of having to stand my ground. I just want to hand them the keys to my house, take off, and tell them to have fun destroying my house like they did their own. I'm tired of being responsible for everything. Every single time my mother asks to talk to me, I want to leave, because she only ever wants to talk to me to challenge one of the rules we have for them, and how it's not fair to her. I have started demanding she spend some time with our daughter. It's not happening yet, but I'm still working on it. She'll tell me that she came out for a minute the day before and my daughter ignored her. I ask if she even told my daughter she was there. She won't answer me. I tell her she can't ignore her and then expect her to be all excited when she is around. She has to work on it, that our daughter is three, and she's 59, but no longer will she go a month at a time without seeing my daughter at all. The doors to their rooms are three feet apart. That's RIDICULOUS. Dad wants to be able to complain to me about all the things wrong in life, but if I even mention my discontentment for a second with something going on, he literally gets up and walks out of the room. I am so not kidding about this.
My dad is in charge of dishes, yet I'm still having to do several loads a week because he can't keep up... he's only 66. Mom is 59 and doesn't help at all. Not a finger, ever. She stays in her room all day long every single day, and wonders why no one wants to throw her a 60th birthday party next year... um, she won't even visit with anyone when they come over. She doesn't want to. Why would she do something she doesn't want to do? I literally just want to shake her and tell her that's life. The Duke is in charge of cat food, cat litter, mowing the lawn once a month, and the garbage. Everything else I'm in charge of. Our money, our house, our car, all the meals, all the cleaning, all the laundry, and everything to do with our child. Everything. I go to bed exhausted from standing my ground with kids and my parents all day, being ignored all the time, and no one caring to help. My house is never caught up. There are not enough hours in the day to keep up with this many people.
In the past two weeks, these have happened. The bathroom mat got pushed and blocked the door from closing correctly, so that it had to be slammed to close it. I left it that way for three days to see what would happen, no one fixed it. The scales got flipped over in the bathroom somehow, I left them for two days. No one noticed to fix it. I left the bathroom toilet for two weeks, and almost made myself sick. With five people and one bathroom, it had a black line above the water line an inch thick all the way around. I finally had to ask the Duke to take care of it because I was going to throw up if I had to look at it any more and I determined I was not the one cleaning it. I recently stopped helping with dishes since it's not supposed to be my job. By the end of the week my counter, stovetop and table top were covered. So, when my submission turns into me being a slave, I start to build resentment. I don't mind taking care of my house, I love doing most of this stuff, but I mind being expected that I'm the only one taking care of it. I can't keep up with them all. I have a job too, just like him, plus I do most of taking care of our daughter. My dad does do most of the grocery shopping, and some of the dishes, but mom does nothing at all. Something has to give. I need more help.
Every time I talk with the Duke's mother, she tells me how I'm either not taking care of my house right, not being a good mother, and not being a good wife. This summer, the Duke got livid when he ordered a chicken meal with taters, and when he got it home, it was half fries and half taters. I mean, he was livid, he doesn't get angry often, so this surprised me. Yet, if his mom attacks me over and over again, he just shrugs it off figuring I'll take care of it if it's really bothering me, not realizing that every time I try to deal with it, she makes things worse. I have asked for his help with her over and over again, and he never gives it. He's just glad it's not him she's attacking. I try to not be a nagging wife, so I literally will make a mental note of the exact day I last brought up something like this, and make myself wait 6-12 months before bringing it up again, or longer, so that it gives him time to think on it and grow, and for me not to be a nag. But, then he thinks because I don't nag, it's not important to me, even if I was crying or near livid when I tell him. :( I just... honestly feel he cared more about those taters than he does about me. He's never gotten even a quarter that livid if someone is mean to me...
I'm exhausted of having to deal with everyone all day long. I'm exhausted from dealing with everyone else's tempers and complaints and bad days, and then when I finally show that I'm having a bad day, or sad, angering everyone and being told I am way too sensitive and get upset too easily, mostly it's my mom that says that, and, no, never the Duke, but he doesn't stop it either. I'm tired of having to be strong for everyone else, and no one stepping up to be strong for me.
So, I finally sat down with the Duke a few weeks ago and said I was done. Absolutely done. That if I died that day, no one would miss me, save our child. They would miss all the things I did for them, but that they would not miss me. I told him I was worthy of mattering and being loved, and that if I wasn't to them, I would have to leave. Not to be mean, not to get back at them all, but because I had to protect myself from more harm. He didn't believe me. two days later I addressed it again. And still, he saw how happy I tried to be each day, and brushed it off. So we talked a third time, and I think he's finally starting to understand how unloved I feel. He thought doing a thing or two would fix everything, but I told him we were talking about years of neglect, years of him and everyone else abusing my love and my want to help. That I was empty with everyone only taking, and no one feeding into me, and that it wasn't going to be a quick five minute fix. As a submissive, I really long to be cared for, to matter, to be led, to obey, to take care of, to help. But I can't just be taking care of and helping without being shown I matter, without a bit of leading.
I feel selfish being at this point... but that's what has happened. He's trying now. I know he wants me to be better right away, but I just don't have it in me. I still feel unloved, and like he's just acting at loving me right now. His compliments and encouragement are done in a very fake voice, he doesn't know how to give them sincerely, he's never had to. I encourage and compliment him daily, but he doesn't know how to. :( He's started to help, if I flat out ask. He still doesn't just look around and see if there is anything he can do to help. He's starting to check on me a few times in the past few weeks. One day he checked about if I was getting enough sleep, and one day he ordered me to eat healthier, I wrote about that day. And those things are good, and helping, I wish he would do it more, but we'll see. He did a maintenance Monday night... and I wanted to tell him I needed longer, but didn't want to do anything to wreck the fact that he even tried. I just hope we can keep growing. I can't take being ignored anymore. I can't take being treated like a slave with no thought to my physical and emotional well being. I matter, and I can't pretend any more that I don't. DD saved us before, it made him happy and stopped being so depressed, it helped him see how much I care and helped him care for me, it made him see outside of himself and invest in me and our marriage, and he was happier for it. This withdrawing into himself totally, isn't doing anyone any good. I can compliment and encourage him until the end of the earth, and when he's like this, it doesn't matter. I need him to do this for him, for me, for us.
Friday, September 21, 2018
Best Present EVER!!! :)
What is the absolute best gift you can get as a sub/tih from your Dom/HoH/Master?
Well, tonight I got the best gift ever. :) It's Thursday night, and I already wrote today, so I'm post dating this until tomorrow, but have to get everything out while it's still fresh. :)
We couldn't test out our basement tonight like we hoped, See post before if you want clarification. :) Several things came up to stop us. So I realized we never tried to see how loud the loopy or the wooden dowel are outside our room. So I asked the Duke if he'd be willing to test them and have me stand outside the door a bit. I asked if he'd test them a bit on his hand or thigh, or even the bed without any real thought about what this would mean.
Next thing I hear is three whacks and three gasps. Um, yeah, that wasn't so quiet. EEK!
I might have already been snickering from his gasps at this point. ;) May have, won't promise. :P
Then he tried the loopy. I heard the whack as it hit his skin, and then him cry out. I whipped the door open, and took in his face that was all shriveled, he was bent over as he hopped from foot to foot to deal with the pain. And of course, like a good little sub, I calmly went over to him, tended to his wounds and coddled him until he was okay and feeling all better.
NOT.
I doubled over laughing, and said "See! It hurts!" lol I asked him if he had more respect for me. Then he tried it again! I literally couldn't fight the laughter, so I didn't even try. His mouth was open as he half cried, half laughed, and he just kept hopping to try to make the pain go away. He said later that if he had to be standing, leaning over the bed getting spanked with the loopy, he wasn't sure he'd get to three strikes before he fell to the floor. I think he may have a new appreciation for me now. :) So this was by far the best gift I've ever gotten in our dynamic. :P LOL Poor Duke. Though, the markings from this were gone in less than half an hour, so apparently he didn't his as hard as he hits me as mine can be there for a couple days! lol BUT STILL. lol
Afterwards I handed him the loopy, and he asked if I wanted a good girl spanking. I said yes. He suggested we use the dowel instead. :P LOL I believe this was my first ever good girl spanking. I know, right? I was thoroughly happy by the end. :) Things are still a bit strained, we've hit a really rough patch where I felt really unloved, and it's going to take time to fix, but things are getting better quickly. :) He's really trying, and I'm so thankful. :)
Well, tonight I got the best gift ever. :) It's Thursday night, and I already wrote today, so I'm post dating this until tomorrow, but have to get everything out while it's still fresh. :)
We couldn't test out our basement tonight like we hoped, See post before if you want clarification. :) Several things came up to stop us. So I realized we never tried to see how loud the loopy or the wooden dowel are outside our room. So I asked the Duke if he'd be willing to test them and have me stand outside the door a bit. I asked if he'd test them a bit on his hand or thigh, or even the bed without any real thought about what this would mean.
Next thing I hear is three whacks and three gasps. Um, yeah, that wasn't so quiet. EEK!
I might have already been snickering from his gasps at this point. ;) May have, won't promise. :P
Then he tried the loopy. I heard the whack as it hit his skin, and then him cry out. I whipped the door open, and took in his face that was all shriveled, he was bent over as he hopped from foot to foot to deal with the pain. And of course, like a good little sub, I calmly went over to him, tended to his wounds and coddled him until he was okay and feeling all better.
NOT.
I doubled over laughing, and said "See! It hurts!" lol I asked him if he had more respect for me. Then he tried it again! I literally couldn't fight the laughter, so I didn't even try. His mouth was open as he half cried, half laughed, and he just kept hopping to try to make the pain go away. He said later that if he had to be standing, leaning over the bed getting spanked with the loopy, he wasn't sure he'd get to three strikes before he fell to the floor. I think he may have a new appreciation for me now. :) So this was by far the best gift I've ever gotten in our dynamic. :P LOL Poor Duke. Though, the markings from this were gone in less than half an hour, so apparently he didn't his as hard as he hits me as mine can be there for a couple days! lol BUT STILL. lol
Afterwards I handed him the loopy, and he asked if I wanted a good girl spanking. I said yes. He suggested we use the dowel instead. :P LOL I believe this was my first ever good girl spanking. I know, right? I was thoroughly happy by the end. :) Things are still a bit strained, we've hit a really rough patch where I felt really unloved, and it's going to take time to fix, but things are getting better quickly. :) He's really trying, and I'm so thankful. :)
Thursday, September 20, 2018
I'm Moving Into The Kitchen! :)
Or even the laundry room. ;)
So, a couple days ago the Duke had the day off, and around 2:00pm found out I hadn't had lunch yet. He made up something for me on the stove. This is SUPER rare, I was surprised and very pleased. He came out to talk to me with a wooden spoon in his hand. Between the parents who had to move in, and our child, spankings are very rare, still, I looked at the spoon with half longing. He did NOT miss this. He said he'd do it, and I said he wouldn't. I guess he doesn't like being challenged because the next thing I know, he's dragging me to the kitchen. My dad was out, my mom never leaves her room, and baby girl was on the potty. He pulled my pants down and gave me six swats! Oh, yes. :)
Then today I was in the kitchen, and being bad! I never get peanut butter m&ms, but I love them. I got some yesterday, and opened them this morning and pulled five out. The Duke told me I was not having them for breakfast, especially since I had just told our daughter she couldn't have ice cream for breakfast. (Is it fair that the rules I have for her have to be my rules too??? lol) He let me have the five after I asked, but then he closed up the bag, got a clip for it, and put it up where I CANNOT reach without precariously balancing on a chair and having to lean around the counter and over the fridge. Darn 9 inch height difference. :P He said I wouldn't be having them again until he got home from work. Okay, so that made me pout. I finally had my peanut butter m&ms and he was going to hide them so I behaved??? So I jokingly, I want to stress I really was joking, that I was going to eat ten sugary things through out the day, and grabbed sprinkles and marshmallows from the cupboard. I bake most of our treats, and haven't made anything all week, so there were no actual goodies to grab. lol WELL, that earned me a swat with the wood spoon. I can't remember now if he used his hand two days ago, or the spoon, isn't that HORRIBLE? Anyway, he used the spoon today, with my pants up as dad was home. I told him I needed more, and got four in total. With dad home it's a lot harder to explain away a spanking noise.
So, both times were in the kitchen, and spankings haven't happened in a while, so I think I have to move into the kitchen to ensure they happen more. But I really just want a long session with him.
So I admitted this to Baker, and how I miss him being able to use his hand as well. Our room is next to my parents, so with mom never leaving her room, there would be no way to disguise his hand hitting my bottom, nor the pocket paddle I love. Yes, we have to be painfully quiet when making love, and often only do it in the middle of the night. lol So I was emailing Baker this morning about needing a spanking and not seeing how we could, and she suggested maybe trying our basement. At first I tossed the idea. There are no doors in the basement, and no backing on the stairs, so noise travels big time.
But then I remembered the laundry room, it does have a door, it's just permanently open, and so I forget about it. We use hand made wool dryer balls, so their bouncing would help hide the sound of a spanking. Our washer agitator is loud, and that would help too. :) I could also keep a towel down there to put against the bottom of the door to seal the inch gap below it. SOOO, I wrote the Duke an email so that we remember to talk about it tonight, and maybe even go downstairs tonight. Dad's desk is downstairs, not far away, and he's at it often, so it will be hit and miss when we can do this, but it does give us way more of an opportunity than normal. :) We don't have a chair, but could put one in, or he could just have me bend over the deep freezer. I'm so freaking excited. Yep, I'm part freak. :) This could seriously change my marriage. :) :) :) :) *Insert BIG happy dance* So thankful Baker suggested the basement, I had totally written it off as an option.
UPDATE: The Duke called on his break and he's super excited about the laundry room when I explained how we could do it. :) Also, Dad brought home pumpkin pie, haven't had that in ages either. So I was going to have a slice, where I was firmly told over the phone that I would NOT be having any until after I had my lunch. *humph* Frig, he's sexy when he's Doming. :)
So, a couple days ago the Duke had the day off, and around 2:00pm found out I hadn't had lunch yet. He made up something for me on the stove. This is SUPER rare, I was surprised and very pleased. He came out to talk to me with a wooden spoon in his hand. Between the parents who had to move in, and our child, spankings are very rare, still, I looked at the spoon with half longing. He did NOT miss this. He said he'd do it, and I said he wouldn't. I guess he doesn't like being challenged because the next thing I know, he's dragging me to the kitchen. My dad was out, my mom never leaves her room, and baby girl was on the potty. He pulled my pants down and gave me six swats! Oh, yes. :)
Then today I was in the kitchen, and being bad! I never get peanut butter m&ms, but I love them. I got some yesterday, and opened them this morning and pulled five out. The Duke told me I was not having them for breakfast, especially since I had just told our daughter she couldn't have ice cream for breakfast. (Is it fair that the rules I have for her have to be my rules too??? lol) He let me have the five after I asked, but then he closed up the bag, got a clip for it, and put it up where I CANNOT reach without precariously balancing on a chair and having to lean around the counter and over the fridge. Darn 9 inch height difference. :P He said I wouldn't be having them again until he got home from work. Okay, so that made me pout. I finally had my peanut butter m&ms and he was going to hide them so I behaved??? So I jokingly, I want to stress I really was joking, that I was going to eat ten sugary things through out the day, and grabbed sprinkles and marshmallows from the cupboard. I bake most of our treats, and haven't made anything all week, so there were no actual goodies to grab. lol WELL, that earned me a swat with the wood spoon. I can't remember now if he used his hand two days ago, or the spoon, isn't that HORRIBLE? Anyway, he used the spoon today, with my pants up as dad was home. I told him I needed more, and got four in total. With dad home it's a lot harder to explain away a spanking noise.
So, both times were in the kitchen, and spankings haven't happened in a while, so I think I have to move into the kitchen to ensure they happen more. But I really just want a long session with him.
So I admitted this to Baker, and how I miss him being able to use his hand as well. Our room is next to my parents, so with mom never leaving her room, there would be no way to disguise his hand hitting my bottom, nor the pocket paddle I love. Yes, we have to be painfully quiet when making love, and often only do it in the middle of the night. lol So I was emailing Baker this morning about needing a spanking and not seeing how we could, and she suggested maybe trying our basement. At first I tossed the idea. There are no doors in the basement, and no backing on the stairs, so noise travels big time.
But then I remembered the laundry room, it does have a door, it's just permanently open, and so I forget about it. We use hand made wool dryer balls, so their bouncing would help hide the sound of a spanking. Our washer agitator is loud, and that would help too. :) I could also keep a towel down there to put against the bottom of the door to seal the inch gap below it. SOOO, I wrote the Duke an email so that we remember to talk about it tonight, and maybe even go downstairs tonight. Dad's desk is downstairs, not far away, and he's at it often, so it will be hit and miss when we can do this, but it does give us way more of an opportunity than normal. :) We don't have a chair, but could put one in, or he could just have me bend over the deep freezer. I'm so freaking excited. Yep, I'm part freak. :) This could seriously change my marriage. :) :) :) :) *Insert BIG happy dance* So thankful Baker suggested the basement, I had totally written it off as an option.
UPDATE: The Duke called on his break and he's super excited about the laundry room when I explained how we could do it. :) Also, Dad brought home pumpkin pie, haven't had that in ages either. So I was going to have a slice, where I was firmly told over the phone that I would NOT be having any until after I had my lunch. *humph* Frig, he's sexy when he's Doming. :)
Saturday, September 15, 2018
Seducing Consent?
I saw this quoted on another blog a few days ago from a few years ago.
“The number one job of the dominant is to continually seduce consent from the bottom.”
― Joseph Bean
I do not know who the author of this quote is, I'll have to look him up sometime, but man, does it ever have me thinking and pondering. It is on THIS BLOG in comment number three if you're looking for it. :)
Many of you already know what I say here, I'm just examining it further, and for people getting into DD or D/s, it's stuff I wish I'd known more of in the beginning. :)
What does the job or role of a dominant look like to you? As many of you know, I'm trying my hand at novel writing, and in working through the characters, I came up with a line that I'm just loving from the male lead. "I may control the wheel, but you control the brakes." He's telling her in this scene that he may decide when she needs to do something, he might look like he's the one in control asking her to do things that test her limits, help her feel her submission, to test her obedience, and so forth, but that only happens as far as she lets it. At any point, she gets to say no. They can only go as far as she allows, and in that, she has the ultimate control. She decides what does and does not happen.
So coming upon this other quote from above just really struck me as deeper than it first appears.
The Duke's job is to guide me, but if I buckle down and decide not to let him, there is little he can do to force it, and at that point it would be abuse. Let me tell you, the Duke has not an abusive bone in his body, even getting into DD was a huge thing for him. He's very passive in many ways. So he seduces me. Not just sexually, but he calls to my submissive side. He lures it in, whispers to it, demands of it, dances teasingly around it, and calls it to him.
I long for his seducing of my consent. I love to have him push my limits in my submission, and feel myself sink further into our roles. Every time he pushes, I stop, not to disobey, but needing a few seconds to feel that war in me. Can I go this much further? Can I submit on a new level? Can I allow him to control me that much deeper? And I love the war in me, the deep craving need to submit, to be owned, to please, against the embarrassment, slight fear of the unknown, and the tightening in my chest. As I look into his eyes, I see what he expects, and he's putting his trust in me to obey, to let him guide me into things I do not know, to allow him to control how we go about this and how far. He's trusting me to bend to his will, and as long as he's trusting me to let him lead, trusting me to trust him, I can follow, I can trust in return and let go. In this moment, I can do things I normally couldn't. He seduces me to delve further than I normally could comfortably go.
I can stop it all. I can, it's my choice. Each step we take is further to being his, to submitting deeper, and I can decide I've gone as far as I'm willing and wanting to go. Oh, but I don't want to. I want more.
As the Duke pushes further, as I give him more and more of me, we grow. We become more one than I ever thought possible when I said my wedding vows. I insisted on putting the word "I will follow your leading" in my wedding vows. I always wanted this type of marriage, I just didn't have a name for it for over 4 years, and when I did, I finally brought my desires to him. I'm so glad looking back, that even in my marriage vows, I promised to obey. Things aren't perfect, we're struggling right now as the Duke deals with self esteem issues. But I sit here, and wait, knowing deep inside that he's working on seducing that side of me again, to giving into him, and giving him consent.
Dominance and submission is such a beautiful dance. And in seducing me, the Duke wins me over, again and again. I can't wait for him to read this one. :)
Side thought, I would have SWORN to you I said obey in my vows, as that was my intent, but after a lot of thought, I changed it to following his leading because I worried he'd be judged for that. I forgot that until I just looked at our vows now. I never even thought of that when picking my blog name. How appropriate to promise in my vows to following his leading, and then naming my blog submitting to be led. SOOO cool! :)
“The number one job of the dominant is to continually seduce consent from the bottom.”
― Joseph Bean
I do not know who the author of this quote is, I'll have to look him up sometime, but man, does it ever have me thinking and pondering. It is on THIS BLOG in comment number three if you're looking for it. :)
Many of you already know what I say here, I'm just examining it further, and for people getting into DD or D/s, it's stuff I wish I'd known more of in the beginning. :)
What does the job or role of a dominant look like to you? As many of you know, I'm trying my hand at novel writing, and in working through the characters, I came up with a line that I'm just loving from the male lead. "I may control the wheel, but you control the brakes." He's telling her in this scene that he may decide when she needs to do something, he might look like he's the one in control asking her to do things that test her limits, help her feel her submission, to test her obedience, and so forth, but that only happens as far as she lets it. At any point, she gets to say no. They can only go as far as she allows, and in that, she has the ultimate control. She decides what does and does not happen.
So coming upon this other quote from above just really struck me as deeper than it first appears.
The Duke's job is to guide me, but if I buckle down and decide not to let him, there is little he can do to force it, and at that point it would be abuse. Let me tell you, the Duke has not an abusive bone in his body, even getting into DD was a huge thing for him. He's very passive in many ways. So he seduces me. Not just sexually, but he calls to my submissive side. He lures it in, whispers to it, demands of it, dances teasingly around it, and calls it to him.
I long for his seducing of my consent. I love to have him push my limits in my submission, and feel myself sink further into our roles. Every time he pushes, I stop, not to disobey, but needing a few seconds to feel that war in me. Can I go this much further? Can I submit on a new level? Can I allow him to control me that much deeper? And I love the war in me, the deep craving need to submit, to be owned, to please, against the embarrassment, slight fear of the unknown, and the tightening in my chest. As I look into his eyes, I see what he expects, and he's putting his trust in me to obey, to let him guide me into things I do not know, to allow him to control how we go about this and how far. He's trusting me to bend to his will, and as long as he's trusting me to let him lead, trusting me to trust him, I can follow, I can trust in return and let go. In this moment, I can do things I normally couldn't. He seduces me to delve further than I normally could comfortably go.
I can stop it all. I can, it's my choice. Each step we take is further to being his, to submitting deeper, and I can decide I've gone as far as I'm willing and wanting to go. Oh, but I don't want to. I want more.
As the Duke pushes further, as I give him more and more of me, we grow. We become more one than I ever thought possible when I said my wedding vows. I insisted on putting the word "I will follow your leading" in my wedding vows. I always wanted this type of marriage, I just didn't have a name for it for over 4 years, and when I did, I finally brought my desires to him. I'm so glad looking back, that even in my marriage vows, I promised to obey. Things aren't perfect, we're struggling right now as the Duke deals with self esteem issues. But I sit here, and wait, knowing deep inside that he's working on seducing that side of me again, to giving into him, and giving him consent.
Dominance and submission is such a beautiful dance. And in seducing me, the Duke wins me over, again and again. I can't wait for him to read this one. :)
Side thought, I would have SWORN to you I said obey in my vows, as that was my intent, but after a lot of thought, I changed it to following his leading because I worried he'd be judged for that. I forgot that until I just looked at our vows now. I never even thought of that when picking my blog name. How appropriate to promise in my vows to following his leading, and then naming my blog submitting to be led. SOOO cool! :)
Thursday, September 13, 2018
Throw - Beautiful Tears - By The Duke
This short and sweet and very wise post was written by the Duke. It has got to be one of my most favourite posts we have done. I love everything about what he says. Here is the original link, and the post is below. :) Thank you for reading another Throw Back Thursday post, it is from February 2014. :)
Beautiful Tears - By The Duke
Good evening, everyone.
I wanted to write a post tonight about tears. Tears can often be the end result of a spanking. Spankings are a painful thing I am assured, but these tears that come with correction are not necessarily only about pain. I find the tears that come with a spanking beautiful. Does this make me sadistic? I don't believe that is the primary reason I find them beautiful. I am not looking to hurt my mate for the purpose of pain itself; it is part of the disciplinary process. No, the reason tears at the end of a spanking can be beautiful is because of what they represent.
Tears at the end of a spanking are beautiful because they show the beauty of what is going on in the heart. Sometimes before a spanking, a sub may be bratty, they may be acting selfish, cold, indignant, or what have you, perhaps not all the time, but that can be the case. As the HoH, it is your job to discipline them; to correct their behaviour. This involves spanking, this involves lecture, and this may very well involve other disciplinary practices. However, this is about more than correcting the behavior, this is about changing the patterns that led to the behavior in question. This is about changing their heart.
Before the spanking, before the discipline has been administered, it is possible that the sub may have an attitude of rebellion towards her husband, not all the time you understand. As mentioned, she very well may have for whatever reason felt the need to break a rule or do something against what she and her husband both agreed on. However, as the discipline proceeds, as the lecture and the spanking are administered, something changes inside the wife. I really feel like the tears are a symptom of this change. The heart has been broken ever so slightly, and made stronger than before. The wife has had a change and become more submissive. The tears rolling down her cheeks are the tears of surrender to her husband. She has given up her need for control at this point, and the control has past to the husband. At this point, I am realizing I am back in control of the situation, and in control of the marriage. This is why I find tears beautiful in a spanking, because they are showing the beautiful process that is going on behind the scenes. You may disagree with this, but I thought it would provide food for thought.
I wanted to write a post tonight about tears. Tears can often be the end result of a spanking. Spankings are a painful thing I am assured, but these tears that come with correction are not necessarily only about pain. I find the tears that come with a spanking beautiful. Does this make me sadistic? I don't believe that is the primary reason I find them beautiful. I am not looking to hurt my mate for the purpose of pain itself; it is part of the disciplinary process. No, the reason tears at the end of a spanking can be beautiful is because of what they represent.
Tears at the end of a spanking are beautiful because they show the beauty of what is going on in the heart. Sometimes before a spanking, a sub may be bratty, they may be acting selfish, cold, indignant, or what have you, perhaps not all the time, but that can be the case. As the HoH, it is your job to discipline them; to correct their behaviour. This involves spanking, this involves lecture, and this may very well involve other disciplinary practices. However, this is about more than correcting the behavior, this is about changing the patterns that led to the behavior in question. This is about changing their heart.
Before the spanking, before the discipline has been administered, it is possible that the sub may have an attitude of rebellion towards her husband, not all the time you understand. As mentioned, she very well may have for whatever reason felt the need to break a rule or do something against what she and her husband both agreed on. However, as the discipline proceeds, as the lecture and the spanking are administered, something changes inside the wife. I really feel like the tears are a symptom of this change. The heart has been broken ever so slightly, and made stronger than before. The wife has had a change and become more submissive. The tears rolling down her cheeks are the tears of surrender to her husband. She has given up her need for control at this point, and the control has past to the husband. At this point, I am realizing I am back in control of the situation, and in control of the marriage. This is why I find tears beautiful in a spanking, because they are showing the beautiful process that is going on behind the scenes. You may disagree with this, but I thought it would provide food for thought.
Wednesday, September 12, 2018
A DD Author I Love - 2 Free Books Plus More
I really like Laylah Roberts' books. Her series have DD, D/s, or BDSM or all. :) I have been reading her for years, and keep going back to her books. Because two of her series have been expanding, she has put the first book in both series up for free for now. :) She also has other series. I really like both books, so I thought I'd share the free books with you and also show you the covers of the series. :)
Book 1 - Just For You, Sir.
The Doms of Decadence series has 8 books. It's a break off from the Old Fashioned Series of hers. It is a group of people that belong to a BDSM club and some of their friends, it also has DD. The opening scene of the first book is very much into the club, but then goes quickly to real life as well. This book is about Jacey, a woman who is hiding from her influential husband, and is homeless until she gets on her feet. Derrick has started to find the whole BDSM scene boring, no longer finding fulfillment just in playing out scenes. He and Jacey meet by accident, and all the sudden, the protective desires he thought he lost and were gone forever come back. But then she's gone, and he has to find her, not knowing she's homeless, because she's finally made him feel. I really liked the male character in this book. I am only 4 books in, but I really, really, like this series so far, and she has broken another series off of this one. Can't wait to read that series too.
Book 2 - Lila's Loves.
This second series is Haven, DD type books that go into BDSM after the first book, and it currently has four books in it, and I'm so hoping one of the characters gets in on the fifth book! :) I have read the first book easily half a dozen times, maybe more because of how I related for a while to Lila, the lead character, just her need for love and acceptance. Her mother has neglected her, and allows her to be taken by a stranger with three adopted sons. He raises her, but she makes a mistake and falls for the brothers. When they realize as adults she has always thought they always wanted her gone, they set on a course to keep her with them and show her that love really can be unconditional. Some of the scenes are really sweet. This is an earlier story of hers, and she has grown as an author a lot since then, but still a very good read. :)
And if you have Kindle Unlimited, these three books in the Bad Boys of Wildeside Series are free to read as well. They are different than her normal writing, the feel and style is different, but still good. :) Sinclair, even though he is a mob boss, is so human. I love how much he tries to do the right thing, and his reactions when it's not always right. He's unlike any character I've ever read. Very well done.
I got a gift card this week, so I hope to get the rest of the books in the Doms of Decadence Series this weekend. Then I hope to have the money to buy more of her books soon. I have four series I believe, and she has three smaller ones I want to get when we have the money. :) I highly suggest checking her out. :) I really like her. :)
The Doms of Decadence series has 8 books. It's a break off from the Old Fashioned Series of hers. It is a group of people that belong to a BDSM club and some of their friends, it also has DD. The opening scene of the first book is very much into the club, but then goes quickly to real life as well. This book is about Jacey, a woman who is hiding from her influential husband, and is homeless until she gets on her feet. Derrick has started to find the whole BDSM scene boring, no longer finding fulfillment just in playing out scenes. He and Jacey meet by accident, and all the sudden, the protective desires he thought he lost and were gone forever come back. But then she's gone, and he has to find her, not knowing she's homeless, because she's finally made him feel. I really liked the male character in this book. I am only 4 books in, but I really, really, like this series so far, and she has broken another series off of this one. Can't wait to read that series too.
Book 2 - Lila's Loves.
This second series is Haven, DD type books that go into BDSM after the first book, and it currently has four books in it, and I'm so hoping one of the characters gets in on the fifth book! :) I have read the first book easily half a dozen times, maybe more because of how I related for a while to Lila, the lead character, just her need for love and acceptance. Her mother has neglected her, and allows her to be taken by a stranger with three adopted sons. He raises her, but she makes a mistake and falls for the brothers. When they realize as adults she has always thought they always wanted her gone, they set on a course to keep her with them and show her that love really can be unconditional. Some of the scenes are really sweet. This is an earlier story of hers, and she has grown as an author a lot since then, but still a very good read. :)
I got a gift card this week, so I hope to get the rest of the books in the Doms of Decadence Series this weekend. Then I hope to have the money to buy more of her books soon. I have four series I believe, and she has three smaller ones I want to get when we have the money. :) I highly suggest checking her out. :) I really like her. :)
Tuesday, September 11, 2018
Paddle Keychain :)
My keys were either lost or stolen last year. I think they were accidentally stolen, or that is what I'm hoping, and that they weren't purposefully taken. We had four paramedics in our house that night near where I keep my keys, and hoping they fell into one of their bags by mistake. Anyway, I had a new set of keys made up, and new locks, and decided today I needed a keychain in case they ever get lost again so I can say what is on the keychain. I know, I should have done it a year ago. :)
So tonight I made up the Neapolitan ice cream popsicle out of perler beads because I literally had no idea what to use, and then when I saw it a bit later, thought it looked a bit like a paddle. So I sat down to kind of design one. I'll tell people it's a fudgesicle, because I made it to look like one a bit, but to anyone on here, it's a paddle. ;) I did the two tones of brown to represent grains in the wood a wooden paddle would have. I really like it, and I like that I can secretly have a symbol of our lifestyle on me. :) I am so excited about it. :) Now not to freak out whenever my Dad takes my keys if he needs our car. :P
Wednesday, September 05, 2018
Embarrassment - Its Seductive and Submissive Beauty
A week or two ago someone commented on one of my posts about getting past the embarrassment, and that has had me thinking a lot since then. I hope to the person that wrote that, that it's okay to mention the comment. It was such a blessing to me to ponder it.
As I thought it over, I realized something that I had thought of from time to time, but never really dwelt on. Not only have I come to accept the embarrassment that can come in this lifestyle, I actually crave it. Deep down in my bones, to the center of my core, crave the embarrassment the Duke can cause me.
Now, I'm not talking about humiliation here. The Duke would never, ever, for any reason in the world, humiliate me.
I hope I can convey here a bit of the beauty I find in being embarrassed with the Duke. He asks me to do things that embarrass me, and those are the most beautifully submissive moments to me.
No matter how long we do this, no matter how much of my body he has seen, owns, controls, I still find certain things cause a blush to my face. A hesitancy in my heart to expose myself so fully to him, again. Part of me wants to be worthy. Does he still find me beautiful? Am I still sexy? Does he still want me? Will that piece of cellulite turn him off? Will that roll make him disgusted? And in it all is his dominant tone and voice telling me to obey. He hasn't asked me to wait, to obey only when I feel ready and worthy, he wants me to follow through right then, no questions. And in that moment, I swallow the embarrassment down into my chest, and let it swallow me as well. I revel in it. It feels so good. I swim in it as I get into the position he's demanded of me. I've surrendered myself to his will, and at that moment, it doesn't matter what he thinks of my body, because all that matters is that I've obeyed. Even if he were to find some fault in my body, I need him to find no fault in my behaviour. All that matters is that I've obeyed, and that he's pleased with my surrender.
Naked kneeling, I flush, I crave and need reassurance. I'm embarrassed to be naked, kneeling at his feet, sitting as vulnerable as a wolf offering up their neck as a show of submissiveness to the alpha male. My husband, standing over me, fully clothed, I'm so exposed, so vulnerable, and I love that.
Laying on the bed, arms by my head, bottom in the air so that he can either place a plug in me, or put himself there. I'm so exposed. He can see everything, especially if he's taking the time to plug me. He's so up close. He's making my body do things that until a few years ago were completely taboo, I wonder what I look like as he stretches me in a way that exposes me even more. There's an excitement in the embarrassment as he takes pleasure in making me do things that make me blush. An embarrassment in surrendering my body to his manipulations to make it do things I couldn't on my own. He always tells me how beautiful it was to watch, or how beautiful I look plugged, and the flush in my face rises.
Him examining me. For no other reason than he wants to explore what he already knows, to run his gaze over all that is his. I'm so exposed, especially if I'm on my back, and he wants to study me, down there, very up close. Why? I have no idea to this day, really. I have guesses, but when I ask, he just says it's because he wants to. And that too, makes me blush. It's what he wants to do, and he'll do it, because he wills it. I submit.
Laying over his lap, him fully clothed, me naked, me getting ready to submit to being punished. To admit his authority over me. To accept that I've messed up and have earned his correction. I love being in this place. The fight of feeling I'm a grown woman who can handle her own messes, but admitting I'm not as strong as I want to be, and that I seriously need his leading and strength. The struggle of feeling small, taken care of, and even embarrassment for not feeling like I'm enough. That I've failed. That maybe I've disappointed him. Now, feeling those last ones aren't a comfortable feeling, but they sink me even more into submission, to being his, to being owned, and giving him all of me, and ultimate control over me.
There is also something about him talking about what he's doing, expecting, seeing, when he does all these. Reminding me of my vulnerability, my submission, his control over me, his ownership. It keeps me fully rooted in the embarrassment and surrender that I want to just immerse myself in. I feel so fully his, so fully controlled, it's so beautiful.
All this and more, and many of them with my clothes on, I promise. ;) Him telling me to do something in front of others, politely I will add. As I said, he never looks to humiliate me. Him telling me that he wants me to stop what I'm doing and do something else because I'm not making a wise decision on my own. Him telling me to calm down when I haven't realized I've gotten too upset and that I wasn't able to control it on my own. Having to go to him and admit when I'm horny, which is a rule. I have to tell him as soon as possible, and I am embarrassed every single time.
But... I find such a sweet submissive place in these times of embarrassment. A vulnerability I am not sure I have at any other time. There is always this fear of rejection. That he'll be too busy, that he'll wonder why he's doing this. That he'll find me weak, strange, pathetic, a freak. He never treats me like this, so it's a gift every time he takes care of me.
Anyway, just some of my thoughts on it. I used to long to get passed the embarrassment, now I hope I never do. :) In fact, I hope he finds more ways over the years to push my boundaries and my trust in him.
The Duke is sleeping, but I'm going to show him this when he's up... that too will make me blush. :)
As I thought it over, I realized something that I had thought of from time to time, but never really dwelt on. Not only have I come to accept the embarrassment that can come in this lifestyle, I actually crave it. Deep down in my bones, to the center of my core, crave the embarrassment the Duke can cause me.
Now, I'm not talking about humiliation here. The Duke would never, ever, for any reason in the world, humiliate me.
I hope I can convey here a bit of the beauty I find in being embarrassed with the Duke. He asks me to do things that embarrass me, and those are the most beautifully submissive moments to me.
No matter how long we do this, no matter how much of my body he has seen, owns, controls, I still find certain things cause a blush to my face. A hesitancy in my heart to expose myself so fully to him, again. Part of me wants to be worthy. Does he still find me beautiful? Am I still sexy? Does he still want me? Will that piece of cellulite turn him off? Will that roll make him disgusted? And in it all is his dominant tone and voice telling me to obey. He hasn't asked me to wait, to obey only when I feel ready and worthy, he wants me to follow through right then, no questions. And in that moment, I swallow the embarrassment down into my chest, and let it swallow me as well. I revel in it. It feels so good. I swim in it as I get into the position he's demanded of me. I've surrendered myself to his will, and at that moment, it doesn't matter what he thinks of my body, because all that matters is that I've obeyed. Even if he were to find some fault in my body, I need him to find no fault in my behaviour. All that matters is that I've obeyed, and that he's pleased with my surrender.
Naked kneeling, I flush, I crave and need reassurance. I'm embarrassed to be naked, kneeling at his feet, sitting as vulnerable as a wolf offering up their neck as a show of submissiveness to the alpha male. My husband, standing over me, fully clothed, I'm so exposed, so vulnerable, and I love that.
Laying on the bed, arms by my head, bottom in the air so that he can either place a plug in me, or put himself there. I'm so exposed. He can see everything, especially if he's taking the time to plug me. He's so up close. He's making my body do things that until a few years ago were completely taboo, I wonder what I look like as he stretches me in a way that exposes me even more. There's an excitement in the embarrassment as he takes pleasure in making me do things that make me blush. An embarrassment in surrendering my body to his manipulations to make it do things I couldn't on my own. He always tells me how beautiful it was to watch, or how beautiful I look plugged, and the flush in my face rises.
Him examining me. For no other reason than he wants to explore what he already knows, to run his gaze over all that is his. I'm so exposed, especially if I'm on my back, and he wants to study me, down there, very up close. Why? I have no idea to this day, really. I have guesses, but when I ask, he just says it's because he wants to. And that too, makes me blush. It's what he wants to do, and he'll do it, because he wills it. I submit.
Laying over his lap, him fully clothed, me naked, me getting ready to submit to being punished. To admit his authority over me. To accept that I've messed up and have earned his correction. I love being in this place. The fight of feeling I'm a grown woman who can handle her own messes, but admitting I'm not as strong as I want to be, and that I seriously need his leading and strength. The struggle of feeling small, taken care of, and even embarrassment for not feeling like I'm enough. That I've failed. That maybe I've disappointed him. Now, feeling those last ones aren't a comfortable feeling, but they sink me even more into submission, to being his, to being owned, and giving him all of me, and ultimate control over me.
There is also something about him talking about what he's doing, expecting, seeing, when he does all these. Reminding me of my vulnerability, my submission, his control over me, his ownership. It keeps me fully rooted in the embarrassment and surrender that I want to just immerse myself in. I feel so fully his, so fully controlled, it's so beautiful.
All this and more, and many of them with my clothes on, I promise. ;) Him telling me to do something in front of others, politely I will add. As I said, he never looks to humiliate me. Him telling me that he wants me to stop what I'm doing and do something else because I'm not making a wise decision on my own. Him telling me to calm down when I haven't realized I've gotten too upset and that I wasn't able to control it on my own. Having to go to him and admit when I'm horny, which is a rule. I have to tell him as soon as possible, and I am embarrassed every single time.
But... I find such a sweet submissive place in these times of embarrassment. A vulnerability I am not sure I have at any other time. There is always this fear of rejection. That he'll be too busy, that he'll wonder why he's doing this. That he'll find me weak, strange, pathetic, a freak. He never treats me like this, so it's a gift every time he takes care of me.
Anyway, just some of my thoughts on it. I used to long to get passed the embarrassment, now I hope I never do. :) In fact, I hope he finds more ways over the years to push my boundaries and my trust in him.
The Duke is sleeping, but I'm going to show him this when he's up... that too will make me blush. :)
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