Wednesday, October 26, 2016

An Emotional Wreck

I can't tell you how great it is to have the Duke back me up.  The more we do our marriage, the more we come to depend on each other.  I have a sinus infection, it's been here almost two months, I am on my third round of antibiotics.  Someone suggested on facebook I use a netipot.  But I can't use them.  When I was in grade one, I drowned in a pool, and was revived by a lifeguard.  This happened during school hours, a class trip. 

The thing is, I guess my parents were never told, and the kids in my class made fun of me so much that day, that I never talked about it until I was grown up.  So I can't use the netipot, because when I try, all the sudden, I'm back in that pool, sitting on the bottom, looking up at the kids above me, wondering why they don't see me to help me, with my world going black.

I didn't think anything of admitting this to my friend on facebook, until I got a call from my sister this morning.  She told me no one in the family had ever heard this story, and wanted to know if I had maybe dreamt it, and if not, she wanted to know why I was lying.  I was so hurt.  I don't even know why someone would make something like that up.  My mother used to lie all the time when we were kids, and she asked if I wanted to end up like her with my own daughter.  That hurt A LOT!  I mean, I couldn't even breathe at that point.  She finally said it was between me and God, but I could tell she still thought I was lying.

I spent the morning crying.  I don't even know why.  It just REALLY bothered me.  So when the Duke could finally call on his break, I asked him if he believed me.  And without question, he told me he knew I wouldn't lie to him.  He told me he knew I would only say it if I fully believed it happened.  It was sooo good to have him behind me.  I finally realized that was all I needed.  I didn't lie.  I can't change the past, and to say it didn't happen would then actually be a lie, and it would eat me inside.  I did all I could do in telling the truth, and I can't do more. 

DD has brought us to a place where we can have complete trust in each other.  Yet another way I am so thankful for this lifestyle.  All the communication, it just helps us be honest, and keep honest.  Thank you, Duke, for never having doubted for a second.

Saturday, October 01, 2016

Our New Implement

Here is our new implement... and I have to admit... quietly, that I'm glad we got it.

It is a small dowel, thinner than my pinky.  We got it because my parents are here again and the Duke determined I needed a punishment.  Yet, all we had were paddles.  LOUD paddles.  So, someone online told us on the weekend that their husband uses a dowel on them.  We decided to try it.

Here it is. I cut it down to 15 inches long, and then sanded it down, and added a hockey grip to it, because it was too slippery otherwise.  I figured the last thing we needed in a spanking we needed to be quiet was to have it flying out of his hands and through our mirror or door, and then having to explain that instead of a beating noise. ;)

So my spanking was over my daughter's medicine.  We are now down with ear infections as of June... so of course, she had to go and get tonsillitis.  :(  I forgot two days in a row to give her one of her three daily doses.  On Sunday night I didn't sleep, AT ALL.  I mean it, I feel asleep from 4:30-4:35, and that was it. :(  So, then baby girl was up every night being sick, and I was just trying to function.  I felt horrible.  I bend myself over backwards to take care of her, and I did this.

So the Duke decided I needed a spanking so that I didn't forget again.  Insert bawling, because I was already emotional from being so tired, and I couldn't handle being told I wasn't taking good care of my daughter, who means the world to me.  He then said that even if I'd beaten myself up for missing the two doses, and would never miss again, that he felt I also needed the spanking to let go of all the guilt. 

With parents so close, he didn't even do a warm up with his hand so they didn't hear, he did his best to do a warm up with the dowel.  He spanked just hard enough for this to leave a lasting impression, plus two welts, and put me in the right head space.  I cried, and then needed time to process afterwards.  Which, I am glad I had to take time to process, because the Duke just sat there talking to me while I was over his lap, rubbing my back and bottom in gentle strokes.  I'm not sure I've ever felt that cherished.  It was so nice.

At the suggestion of several people in a chat room I like to go to, we also got a five gallon paint stick to add to our now small collection.  I think they must have different ones than the ones we got here!  LOL  Look how long it is!  It's the one on top.  :)  So this is our collection now.  I think we have ALL we need.  I hope the Duke agrees! ;)

The Duke's Deductions:
Yes, we hadn't spanked in a while and I wasn't planning on it. But I realized talking to EsMay that our child missing her medication was important to me, so I felt like it was my responsibility to do something. I knew that it was a bad week for her and it didn't seem fair to add to it, but I also realized that sometimes it can help to know there are boundaries and consequences, and I thought it would help her to know I did care what happened to our daughter. Anyway, we had already been thinking about how to handle spankings with other non-DD people in the house, and the dowel and paint stick seemed like 2 really good ideas. When I had them in my hands the paint stick still seemed like a paddle, while the dowel seemed like something I hadn't tried yet and I am glad I did. The results of the dowel seemed a bit harsher then I would have expected, which isn't a bad thing. I did want to make sure EsMay wasn't left feeling wrong after the spanking so I tried to make sure she was taken care of after. Anyway I think overall it was a good experience for us so I am glad I tried it.