Monday, August 26, 2013

I Think It's Called A Spanking, LOL

Have a quick cute story to share. :)

On the phone with my sister last night.  All the sudden she makes a funny sound and says "My husband is hitting my bottom!"

I laughed and said "I think that's called a spanking, and I hear they're kind of fun." I teased.

She told her husband what I said, and made a comment to the effect that she didn't believe what I said about them being fun.

It was my turn to laugh when I heard her husband say loud and clear "That's not what you said last night."

LOL  I couldn't miss this chance to bring up spanking, I mean, come on, it was handed to me on a silver platter! ;)

- And thank you for all your wonderful comments from yesterday, I have a migraine right now, so I haven't gotten back to them, sorry... but I will tomorrow. :)    And if you ever wonder, I read and respond to every single comment.  If I ever miss one of yours, feel free to let me know, but I do my best to make sure I miss none because I value every single comment you guys send.  Thank you for being here for me, good and bad, short and long posts.  It means so much to me.  {{{HUGS}}}

Sunday, August 25, 2013

I Want You To Trust Me

Going swimming should just be a normal every day thing.  Okay, well not for us, we only go swimming a few times a year, but still, nothing should be quite extra ordinary about a swim in a lake.  You get in, timidly, and then duck under, take a swim, and get out.  That was my plan for yesterday.  Well, duck in until my neck, I used to like to get my head wet, but now I hate having my hair wet while I'm trying to get warm after a cold swim.  But you get the picture. :)

So, yesterday I was joking around with the Duke in the water, and then wanted to just kind of float for a while, but while being able to be close to him still.  The best way I found to do this was to come up to him from behind, wrap my arms around just below his neck, and just kind of float.  All good so far, I'm all relaxed, and with the Duke at the same time. 

But then the Duke reached his arms back, and slowly brought my body to his, I didn't understand his intentions until I was on his back piggy back style.  I thought this was really cute, until he leaned forward just a bit, and grabbed my ankles in his hands.  He moved, and I no longer had balance, the only thing keeping me on the Duke's back were my arms around his neck, and his hold on my ankles, I couldn't even really use my thighs to hold on with how he had me.

He walked out into deeper water, water in which I couldn't touch the ground.  I don't mind in a pool being dropped into water where I can't touch bottom, but in a lake, where I have no idea how deep the water is, I somehow don't feel safe unless I can touch the bottom and get a bit panicked if I've gone out too far.  So, I started to panic, not a lot, but enough that I was physically struggling just a bit to get free. 

The Duke's grasp on my ankles tightened as he gained more control of me.  And then he stopped walking.  "I want you to trust me."  He said it soft yet firm, with a bit of disappointment laced into his words over that fact that I wasn't already doing so.  I amazed myself and forced myself to calm down.  He wasn't going to throw me in, I knew that.  He wasn't going to trip, he is 3/4 of a foot taller than me, he had kept up a good balance and what was too deep for me, was still only at his chest.  He was strong, I am heavy, but the water was keeping me from weighing too much for him to handle.  So what was I afraid of?  The fact that I couldn't touch the bottom was overruling my ability to realize the Duke had me firm in his grasp.  I trusted him, and I had to let that overrule my fear.

So for the next ten minutes, the Duke toted me around the edges of where I couldn't reach.  He took me back, only to get me to hold him from the front, our stomachs touching, and then without warning, he repeated the exercise.  I was all relaxed and completely let go.  He had me, and I could trust that he did.

The whole reason we were even at the lake is that we went camping with my church family this weekend, and swimming was one of the activities.  So when we came back up on shore after all of this, a fireman friend and a couple of the men asked me if the Duke was practicing rescuing me, that is what it looked like at one point from where he was sitting.  I laughed and said no.  But then I thought about it.  The Duke wasn't practicing, but he was rescuing me, from my fears, from my need to control certain things, even rescuing me from myself.  I was the one that needed the practice. 

I didn't realize the lessons in store for me that day, I'm not sure the Duke even knew himself before we were in the water, but I'm very glad he challenged me.  It helped me trust him in a whole new way, and I was very thankful for yet another way to let go and let him care for me.  And I am also thankful that the Duke is very proud of how I let him take control.  It made me feel all good inside to see the pride on his face, pride that I helped give him, and in a funny way, it made me want to be all the more submissive for him.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

What Got Into The Duke???

WHAT has gotten into the Duke???

I know we've talked lately, and he's been taking a lot in like a sponge, but something else must have happened.  I mean... come clean, did any of you send your HoH's over to talk to him?  Send him text messages or secret emails?  I haven't noticed any carrier pigeons, but if you used one, please let me know. 


Okay, so yesterday, the Duke kept checking up on me.  I've been feeling really weak to one temptation in my life.  So he kept calling me to see how I was doing.  Last break he called I assured him everything was fine.  FAMOUS last words. :(  About one and a half hours later, something happened and I broke down.  I was reading a good series of books, they were all clean.  And then all the sudden there was a sex scene, none of the other books had one, so to have one, and in detail, augh.  But I figured, I can do this, you know what, I'm a grown woman, I can't let these affect me as much as they do.  I'll be strong this time.  Yeah right... I suck.

I was livid at myself, the disappointment keen because now I had images in my head that I just could not get out, I hate that I'm like this, and I hate telling you guys after just telling you how much I was working on this in the past week.  I also let the Duke down.  I literally was feeling so guilty that I just stared off into space, I couldn't function.  Prayer meeting was at my house last night, and I'm not even sure how I got through leading it, I felt like a complete hypocrite.  I'm glad everyone else felt like they connected with God, because I didn't feel I did, and was really worried I'd hold everyone else back.

So about half an hour to an hour after everyone left, the Duke told me he thought I needed a spanking to get rid of the guilt.  I was again staring into space trying to not let the images come back to me.  I didn't mean to, but the upset was swallowing me whole.  I am not usually tempted, but lately it's been strong, and I'd lasted days and days and not given in, and then so soon after reassuring the Duke, I faltered. :(

The Duke refused to coddle me any more.  But I told him the spanking I would need to relieve my guilt would need to be hard, with an intense lecture, neither of which he's strong at, especially lecturing.  Still, he grabbed a paddle.  I told him I didn't want to.  I was firmly refused and told to strip from the waist down.  Augh... really?  Isn't it already hard enough to climb over his lap clothed... but when he got firm, I did. 

Let me tell you, it was no easy punishment.  The warm up should have warned me to the intensity that was about to come.  The Duke spanked so hard I looked back to see why he was starting the warm up with the paddle.  But he wasn't holding the paddle!  It was only his hand.  And it HURT.  Over and over again, I wouldn't be surprised if the warm up itself was 100 strokes.  I was in a lot of pain and started to panic when he picked up the paddle.  He told me I needed this punishment or I would keep making the same mistake, keep feeling guilty, and he didn't want me to have to do that anymore.

He paddled hard, through my guilt, through the anger that came, and until I was crying so hard I literally couldn't breathe.  I don't know how I stayed on his lap, but I did.  I did move around a bit, the pain was intense, and my legs did keep coming up from time to time, but I honestly didn't mean for them to, it was a natural reaction.  But even with all that, I'm so proud I didn't try to roll off his lap, or try to escape.  I am also glad though that the Duke called me out on it every time my legs went up.

Then, he asked me to stand against the door.  He sat behind me on the bed, and boy did he lecture.  He'd lectured during the spanking, but that was NOTHING compared to what he said when I was at the door.  My guilt just poured out as he asked me hard question after hard question.  I was crying so hard that at times I couldn't speak, and still he demanded an answer.  At those times, my voice literally came out in one word answers in nothing but a whispered squeak.  I can't read these scenes in novels, I just can't, because they get in the way of our own marriage, and he really let me know how disappointed he was in me.  Not because I am so susceptible to what I read and watch, but the fact that even knowing this would bother me, I still chose to finish reading the book after I found out there were these types of scenes in it.

And then he held me, for a long time.  I deleted that book from my kindle, and I then told him I would not be buying more books without his okay.  I really want more books to read, but also love to reread books.  So, for now, I'll stick to what I have.  There is one author that is a Christian that I am going to check out, and have the Duke's permission, but after that, no more books until I can find ones that are guaranteed clean.  I hate that I have to confess this after just writing about my struggles less than a week ago.  :(  I'm sorry if I make anyone think less of me, and you would have every right to.

I don't know where the Duke learned to lecture, he didn't know how to before, let me tell you, he'd get several gold stars this time.  I could sense his disappointment, I could feel it to the bottom of my soul, and it hurt.  But I needed that.  I needed to know that sometimes he's hurt.  He never shares that with me, and I needed to know it.  Knowing how bothered I am, he's going to help me.  The guilt is gone, I feel I can come before the Duke and God with a clean heart.  The Duke is here to help guide me down a good path.  Part of that is the promise that if I falter again, last night's spanking will seem tame.  I want to be scared... but I'm not.  All the sudden I feel like I can trust him to help me get strong in this area again.  I haven't been bothered like this since before we got married, and it seems like if I had to face this struggle again, I'm glad it waited until DD because now I've got support to help me through.

***Please know that just because I struggle with this, does not mean I feel anyone else does.  I also don't think horror movies are bad, but they really bother me.  And I'm not sure why.  I had a friend once, who when she found out about me, thought I was judging her too.  I so don't.  We are each bothered, or weak, with different things.  This is my weakness.  I hope in sharing my struggle, I make no one feel judged.  I wish these didn't bother me so that I had more reading and movie viewing options. :)  The Duke agrees, if they didn't bother me so much, and didn't keep replaying in my head sending me to that dark place, I'd be allowed to watch and read them.  Though even then, I probably wouldn't go too kinky.  But that's just me. :)

Hopefully this is the last post we will have where I faltered with this struggle. :)  I don't know what happened to the Duke, what memo or message he got, but I'm so thankful.  I really feel his strength in this, and it amazes me what it's already doing for me.  I didn't know I could depend on someone like this.

Thank you, Duke, for everything.  {{{HUGS}}}

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Communication, It's On Going

Isn't it always inevitable that when you start peeling back layers, one conversation can become an on going one?

The Duke and I were talking last night.  He still seems very unsure of himself at times, and I talked about maybe pulling the DD plug.  I don't want him to always be second guessing himself, I don't want him to always have to wonder if he is doing the right thing, I don't want him always thinking there is a set of rules to follow instead of what he wishes to do.  I don't want to add more stress.  I wanted this to become who he was so that he's just enforced what he felt was important, stuck to what he felt worked, so that he'd have more self confidence, but it seemed like it was actually getting worse.

Well, I'm glad we talked.  He said no to stopping DD.  He said he is getting more sure of himself, which I do generally see, but when he panics, I tend to forget that.  So we talked, and finally worked out that there isn't a set of rules for him.  He should do what he thinks is right, not what anyone else does or says.  There is no right way or wrong way for him to figure this out.  That seemed to really help him out. 

We talked some more, and come to find out, we needed to elaborate more in the "Don't Worry About My Happiness" train of thought from this post.  That train of thought didn't do as much as I thought it would because, unbeknownst to me, he still had the train of thought in his head that "Don't Worry About Her Happiness, also means, Don't Tick Her Off."  Hmm, communication... amazing how much we NEED it!  lol

So we talked.  We talked about the fact that even if I get mad, it blows over quickly.  Like literally, it is VERY rare for me to still be upset 30-60 minutes after I've been angered.  So, we talked about that.  What if he did get me angry, what would honestly be the big deal?  An hour later and you'd never known it happened.  And in the process, I'd learn to get less angry less often, which has already happened a lot since DD.  I'd learn to know when he was serious, I'd know my limits more.  Also, it might be good for him to push and feel some of his emotions.

The Duke is terrified of being angry.  I haven't been able to dig through the surface yet to find out why, but he never gets angry.  I'm not kidding.  He's never once yelled that I know of, never stormed around, never slammed a door, never got a stealy voice, never shot angry darts out of his eyes.  He just does not get angry.  I thought a month or so ago he might have started, but he assures me he wasn't at all.  And to be honest, his lack of anger all the times worries me.  So I'm hoping that in learning to push at me a little, even if he's afraid of my anger, maybe some of his will come out.  I don't want him to be one of those guys that never lets his anger out and then all the sudden blows up one day in a horrible way.

So in the mean time, we peel more and more layers back.  I'm learning things I never knew before, I'm learning to ask questions I never thought of before, and I'm learning to ask open ended questions, realizing before I tended to ask close ended questions.  ie, before I'd ask "So, do you think we should do this, or that?" instead of "How do you feel about this?  Or how do you think we should best do this?"  I'm learning to not guess his motives or intentions, but to flat out ask.  I've learned that assuming really does only cause me pain because I only know what I guess, not what's really going on with him.

I have some more revelations, but I'll share them in another post. :)

Sunday, August 18, 2013

A Lie And A Spanking

I don't feel myself today.  The last few days have been hard.  Usually lately I am on my own, a lot.  Sometimes I can go several weeks without seeing anyone but the Duke.  But this week my parents were here for five nights.  They left on Friday, and I spent the day with my best friend and her fiance yesterday.  Today our old pastor was at church, we met in the park for service, and we had a picnic/potluck afterwards.  I've been surrounded by people for 7 days now.  And I have learned one very important thing.  I don't know how to be around these people anymore. 

I think it came to a head yesterday.  I met my friend at her house so that we could take her car on the 30 minute drive to visit her fiance.  We had talked last year about Domestic Discipline, but I told her we wouldn't be practicing when she hated the idea, and to be honest, that was what I thought was the truth, I hadn't yet really talked to the Duke about it, or hadn't at all at that point.  She told me flat out it was next to wearing a ball gag all day.  Well she's noticing me being more obedient to the Duke, notices I'm more happy, and commented on how glad she was.  And then, she point blank asked me "But you don't let him paddle you right?  I know last year you talked about Domestic Discipline, and I don't like it.  So you don't let him punish you, right?"

It's the only secret I have from her.  I mean, I don't talk to her about our sex life, or anything that intimate, but other than that, she knows everything else about me.  But she is drastically opposed to the idea of DD.  So when I talked to her about it last year, I just played it as something I was studying, as I'm always studying about marriage, to see what we should be doing, what I can store away that might help others, and so on, so it meant nothing to her for me to come to her with yet another idea I was processing through.

But yesterday, I hated it.  She would be very upset with the Duke if she ever found out he punished me.  She'd be down right livid, and her fiance would probably take a chunk out of the Duke if he found out. :(  So I couldn't even look at her, but said "No, he doesn't paddle me."

I don't lie.  I hate it.  It eats me alive.  And all the sudden, I can't be who I am anymore around everyone.  I have a secret, a secret that is blessing us so much, but I'm on guard, so afraid I'll slip and say something that will let people know and have them attacking the Duke.  I don't care who knows on one hand, but I care what might be done to the Duke, how he might be judged, ostracised.  I really want people to look up to him.  So, I admitted all this to the Duke, and he said I wouldn't be spanked or punished for the lie, because he knew I did it to protect us, and because I didn't have his permission to talk to her about it.

I have fought my whole life to have the freedom to be me, and now I feel that part of that is gone.  For the first time in a long time, I have to sensor what I say.  Though I did talk a few times to my dad, and to two people at church about how I'm learning to be submissive, and people really liked that.  So I did find some freedom in that.  Dad really liked how happy I was, and he said obeying one's husband can be a really good thing.

There are other things going on in my head, but I'm not sure I can put them into words.  I guess I just feel disconnected.  Hopefully that will pass in a few days. :)

As for today, I sit on a very sore bottom, from yesterday.  Because of something in my past, if I read or see something that is too graphic in sexual detail, my mind goes to a dark place, and fast.  I have to be really careful then of what I take in or else when I'm trying to be with the Duke, those images and ideas come into my head, and I'm no longer just with the Duke, but all that other stuff too and then I feel the bond fizzle.

I've been reading DD romances, mostly Nattie Jones.  I find she does talk about sex from time to time, but it's very basic.  A few lines and then that's it.  None to very little detail.  No pages and pages on a sex scene.  But I've read most of the ones I can find of hers, well, there are a few more, but right now I can't afford $8 for her more expensive books on Amazon.  So I've been trying to look around at other authors, but can't seem to find any that are really good, but leave sex either out, or just skim like Nattie Jones does.  So that means a few times when I tried to find books like that, I read more detail than is good for me not realizing how quickly those scenes go further than I can go.

So, I broke down and admitted it to the Duke.  This is a serious thing because it really can hinder my ability to bond when we are intimate, and that is VERY DANGEROUS for our marriage.  Try as I may, if I've seen or read something I shouldn't have, it will come back to mind constantly for days no matter how hard I fight it.  So the Duke gave me a spanking, a hard spanking.  I admitted that I needed him to stop telling me he understood, stop telling me he knew I didn't go in looking for books like that, and I needed him to tell me he was disappointed in me, and remind me what this could do to our marriage.  He spanked until my bottom literally turned into leather.  Um... has this happened to anyone else?????  I was worried it'd never go back!  It took over 12 hours as it was. 

I know this all must sound stupid, most people don't have this issue, in fact, I've never heard of a single other person that does... but because of it, I try to be careful.  So for now, I'm going to stop looking for other DD books, they're just too much of a risk right now.  I'll reread again the tame ones I have, and be satisfied with those.  Though if you know of good authors, or good books, that either don't have sex scenes, or when they do, they're very basic with little to no detail, I'd love to hear about them.  Most  anal play, spanking scenes, discipline, they don't send me to that dark place, and I do like an alpha male with some good spanking/discipline scenes.  I also don't like magic.  But aside from that, if you have any good books to suggest, I'd love to hear them.  Have a week and a half off, and I'd love to read a few new books. :)

Sunday, August 11, 2013

One Good Spanking

I should be sore today.  The fact that I can sit down without the slightest hint of pain is amazing to me.  I upset the Duke yesterday, and boy did my bottom pay for it!

You see, even with all the progress we've been making in being able to see where we are at, and how we feel about things, there still has been a problem with consistency.  So after another stressful week, and if this roof doesn't get fixed soon, I'm just taking an axe to it to seal it's fate, I just felt really distance from the Duke, and also felt emotionally off kilter.  I needed the Duke's attention... but didn't know how to go about getting it without plain out telling him.  With all the headway we've made lately, you think it would have been easy to just walk up to him and say "Hey, Sweetie.  I'm feeling kind of lonely, can I have an hour of your time?"  But it wasn't easy, and so I avoided it.

Well, come Saturday, I was feeling alone, and isolated.  The Duke asked me what was wrong, and I wouldn't tell him.  I was afraid to tell him all that was going through my head because I didn't want him to blame himself, and I didn't want him to feel bad.  Well, let me tell you, I was shocked.  I was turned over, now that's happened before, and spanked.  Okay, so no big deal, he's done that a time or two.  But then when I wouldn't talk, he didn't stop.  He grabbed the pocket paddle and went to town, when I was finally ready to tell him, he kept going.  I think because the first two times he'd stopped and I tried to talk to him, I ended up not saying anything. 

Finally we talked.  We've agree, even on busy nights for the next little while, he's going to give me an hour a night.  I don't get to be around people often with my job, and he's seeing that I need the interaction.  He also has been Mr. Consistent for the past 24 hours.  I wasn't allowed to have chocolate yesterday!!!!!  Okay, yes, I've asked him in the past to help me lose weight, but no chocolate without warning!  I had withdrawal, I needed medivac to come and rescue me, I was a puddle on the floor with very little chance of surviving the night, and still I was denied.  {I'm actually hurt that some of you would think I am making it up, how dire the circumstances were!} ;)

Okay, so I survived, and surprisingly enough, so did my bottom.  Nothing to show for it today, except a very happy heart. :)  I don't ever get over to the ADDS site, so I was surprised on Saturday to hit a link and end up over on that site.  The post that day was about hormones.  OH MY GOODNESS, it made total sense, and it helped the Duke and I see that I'm not as crazy as I sometimes feel.  It also explains why I am so happy after a spanking.  It might change a lot of things for us.  We'll just have to see. :)

So tonight I go to bed happy still from yesterday.  It's amazing how one spanking can set everything to rights. :)

Thursday, August 08, 2013

Don't Care About My Happiness ;)

Thank you to all who eased my worries last night, I cannot tell you how much it meant to me. :)  You are all SO GREAT and wonderful.  Thank you.

So, my thoughts for today are something the Duke and I have stumbled upon, and you probably already know this, so you may find this post boring, but it was a REAL eye opener for me communicating to the Duke, and him getting this lifestyle.

See, the Duke wants me happy, all the time.  My life has been a life of hurts, I was sexually assaulted once as a child, I was physically abused daily at the hands of my mother from the time I was four, I had extreme emotional abuse and have been labled  as having been brainwashed, stalked four times {which if you could see how fat and plain I am, you'd question it too} and tons of other things up until the miscarriage of one child and death of another.  It's just been a hard life, but we've all had hard lives.  I try to let the Duke know we all suffered a lot before now, it seems like the world is out to crush a woman's innocent heart, terrified of it's beauty, so the world destroys it. :(  Why is that?

But because of all of it the Duke wants to always see me happy.  Especially now I feel.  I went after healing with a severe desperation after we lost our son.  Healing from the abuse in my past, the hurt of feeling unwanted as a child, the desperate pain of losing our son.  I couldn't deal with the pain anymore, and suicide was not an option, though trust me, I wanted it to be.  But I got a lot of healing, two counselling groups pulled together to get me 9 free counselling sessions, and with a Christian counsellor to boot.  I talked to my pastor, my husband, my best friends, my mother figure, and people at my church.  I prayed, and did a lot of thinking.  It was a hard 18 or so months, but I needed it.  The PTSD from my childhood is gone, I never thought I had it, and once I was shown I did, never thought I'd fully recover.  The brainwashing still takes hold at times, and I have to rewire in my brain, but I'm making progress.  The anger and hurt at my mom is gone, and now I actually love her.  She is about to come visit for five nights with my dad, and I'm actualy excited.  I still miss my baby, but now I'm happy about another chance at being a mom again.  So most days I'm happy now, but there are some bad days still, but no where near as bad as they used to be.  So I think with all of this progress, the Duke is afraid of setting me back.

And do you know what that means?  When I'm having a bad day, he looks to make me happy instead of keeping me in line and secure in my limits.  He looks to find a way to put a smile on my face instead of addressing an issue.  Even though I'm miserable, and maybe a good spanking could be what helps me calm down, what he sees is that I'm struggling and he doesn't want to make things worse.  Poor guy, I really am a trip to live with. 

So last week I finally was able to put into words what I need.

I told him that worrying about my happiness did not seem to be working.  It was making him walk on egg shells on days I am sad, and that makes me insecure and feels like I can't depend on him as my rock when I need him most.  I feel like I'm in control again, and then I fell really lost and alone, and well, abandoned almost.  So I asked him to instead focus on my well being, and my safety.  I told him those are way more important than being happy, and that with those being taken care of, happiness would actually come more easily.  So I asked him, in any situation, to ask himself what was best for my well being, not what was best for my happiness. 

And you know what?  I was told to take a nap!  LOL  Not one word of a lie.  I was exhausted, I did not sleep well the night before, so as you all know by now, that meant a migraine.  I wanted to play around on my computer, that would keep me happy and distracted, he said no, firmly.  Is it wrong that I found him down right sexy at this point? ;) 

I took my nap and then he was so pleased with my obedience at napping that I was hadnsomely rewarded afterwards. ;)

I don't need the Duke to micromanage me, but I won't lie, there are a few things that make me feel happy and submissive, loved and cared for if he tells me every time to do it.  Mostly, going to bed.  Don't ask me why, I have no idea, but when he orders, not just suggests, but orders me to bed, I melt.  Literally, my heart just goes to liquid in my chest.  I long for those nights that he does that.  I feel so taken care of when he does that.  I don't know that there is anything else he guides me in that makes me feel more submissive, more his, more protected.  There have been a few nights where he's sat with me while I got dressed, and got ready for bed, and that was icing on the cake.  Now, to be honest, I wouldn't want him sitting with me every night, lol, but I do love it when he does it.  And the best?  When he tucks me in.  Why?  I have no idea.  But when he does, I go to bed, all content, sighing almost like a kitten.  That I could have every night too.  I just feel like I'm worth his time, that he takes his job seriously to make sure I'm okay.

BUT, if you'd asked me if I wanted to go to bed, my answer would be NO.  lol  It would not be what makes me happy in the moment if you were to ask.  But once it's done, then I really am happy, and taken care of, and not so tired in the morning so that I have a better chance at enjoying the next day as well.

I also don't tend to remember to eat when I'm sad, or busy, but the Duke will notice.  I don't like to stop and eat when I'm busy, too much to do, it will not make me happy to be told to give up 10-20 minutes to eat.  But it will give me more energy, be less likely to dehydrate me, and keep my sugars {I struggle with low sugars} from dropping too low.  So that in turn, will make me feel better, and more likely to be happy. :)  The key here too, is to not complain when the Duke tells me to stop and do something for my wellbeing.  I don't tend to, but have on occasion, so it's something I really want to be aware of.

I think this is really going to help the Duke out more, and me out more.  I am seeing more and more how I need to be rescued from myself.  I do have bad habits that help the bad days be more sad.  And by recognizing that, I'm better able to help myself, but still need the Duke's help as well as I struggle at times to remember to do what it best.  He really seemed to get what I was saying, it was like a lightbulb went off for both of us.  I can also see him growing in confidence as he sees that I really do need him.  I see him growing in his knowledge of his worth, and importance.  It is so beautiful to see.  I really do love that man.

Monday, August 05, 2013

Submission Vs Leading?

As some of my posts in the past month have reflected, I've been thinking a lot about submission. I've been trying to figure out what it really means? How do I find this state? Can it be achieved on my own? Can it be achieved even if the Duke doesn't follow through?

Now, the things I’m going to share here are what we have found work for us.  These may not work for you, and that is totally okay.  I’m always afraid in sharing opinions that I’ll offend, but I hope you all know me well enough by now that I do not believe in molds, and that I don’t push what works for me onto others. :)  But I’ve learned a lot this month, and really want to share what we are learning in our marriage.

I've studied a lot about what submission is. Several definitions are out there.
Merriam Webster says that submission is
- an act of submitting to the authority or control of another
Google says that it is
- The action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person.
Free Online Dictionary says
- To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another.

So I thought a lot on that. Our whole marriage I've struggled to submit, without having the Duke show me his will or authority. Lately, when he is inconsistent or steps back, I have a really hard time staying in that submissive state. But reading these, and other definitions on submission, really helped.

I also read up on definitions of to lead. Here is what I found. There were other links, but they all said the same thing.
Free Online Dictionary says a leader is
- One who is in charge or in command of others.
Merriam Webster had several definitions,
- to direct on a course or in a direction , to guide someone or something along a way, and I really like this one -> to guide a dance partner through the steps of a dance

I have been thinking a lot about our little dance that we do, because in all honesty, that is how I feel DD is. A very precious and delicate dance. When the Duke isn't leading, I end up leading. Let's picture this dance, the Duke is 3/4 of a foot taller than me, and about 65 pounds heavier than me. Imagine me trying to lead him in a dance? I can't, even if he wanted to follow, it would be hard to guide him being so small compared to him. (Not that I’m small, but compared to him, I am) But with his frame being large, and strong, he can lead me easily, even if I were to choose to resist. Also imagine if I tried to do my own thing, well, that wouldn't work either, we would each be trying to go in a different direction, and there would be no grace and beauty in our dance. But let’s think of another option. What if the Duke doesn't lead at all? And I try to follow? Where will we go? No where. We'll just stay there, on the spot, and no ground will be covered.

I've come to some conclusions, and researching the meaning of submission has helped. If you think about submission, it can't be forced. A leader is only truly a leader if people willing follow in submission to letting them lead. If a leader has to force someone to follow against their will, he is no longer a leader, and they are no longer submissive. He has become a bully, and they have become a victim. You can only be a leader if someone willingly submits to let you lead.

So let’s turn the table. Can we really be submissive without a leader? Submit means to surrender to the will and/or authority of another. But if someone is not sharing their will and authority, how do we truly become submissive? We can't force someone to lead, if we do, then we follow the saying of "topping from the bottom" and we in turn carry the control instead of handing it over. We can try to be submissive without a leader, but I've tried, I really suck at it. I don't need the Duke to micromanage me, but if we go a while, especially with things getting stressful, and he hasn't helped establish our roles or set guidelines for me, I get lost, I get frustrated, and I'm back to being in control again. I try to be submissive, but I find it impossible if he's not expecting anything from me. Without anything expected of me, without guidelines and consequences, I'm back to deciding what does and doesn't need to be done, or how I should or shouldn't live.

Let me try to share an example:

One rule I have is to go to bed at a certain time. If I don't get enough sleep, I end up with pretty bad migraines. So this is now a rule. But the past few weeks have been really stressful. I have not had any time to myself between work, planning an event for my church, dealing with several contractors trying to get to the roof over the apartment next door, and now the tenants in that apartment are complaining about everything, from thinking they "may" have seen a shadow of a rodent at 3am one night to they were promised a screen on the living room window and on and on, things I was never told about. I need to get at least three hours of sun a week, and now I feel I can't even go out into the back yard because the tenants keep finding me back out there. They have my email and phone number, and are always trying to get in contact with me, and now if I hear them outside at all, or I see their car in the driveway, I'm tense they're going to knock on our door. All my chances to relax are gone, and I'm a bundle of nerves. The past few days, the only time I've had to actually sit down and do anything for me is when it's past my bedtime. And so, I've taken that time to play around on the computer (what do you think of the new implements on my title bar? ;) The Duke is afraid they'll scare you all away... what do you think?  I had most of them made already, but made the rest this week, and then put my new title bar together.) And so in staying up, the Duke has said nothing to stop me. I tell myself to go to bed, but I also tell myself I need a break. I tell myself going to bed just an hour or two later won't be too hard on me the next day, but it is. And then the Duke stepped back on a lot of things, and in needing to be in control with the apartments, contractors, at work, and now at home, I lost sight of how to be submissive.  I tried, I really tried, but it was so hard, I all the sudden felt no guidelines, and had too much control, and then started to spin out of control.

The dictionaries say that to submit means to bend, surrender, give in, or bow down to the authority, will and control of another. The reason this helped me is because when the Duke goes several days, or over a week, without reminding me of my place, I start to feel the control is back in my hands. I start to feel alone, lost in my role, and unable to feel submissive. I do try to do what I can to be submissive, but if he's not seeking to lead, then is it possible to really be submissive? If I feel more and more in control, if I feel more and more that it's only up to me to do what is right, how is that any different than before I felt led by him?  So this has helped me know how to talk to him, without attacking him.  We just sit down and talk, and go over ways we can help our dynamic.

When the Duke steps up, when he does take my hand, and leads me in the direction that he wants me to go, in the direction that is best for my well being, and for the well being of our marriage, then I feel submissive. Even if he only reminds me to do the things I was already trying to do without his guidance. When the Duke leads me, I feel his support, I feel his strength, I all the sudden feel I'm not so alone. When the Duke steps up, I feel loved, I feel important, and I feel that my well being takes a priority in his life. When the Duke tells me to do something, I feel that place in me that tends to worry relaxing, I feel the calm, I feel the desire to serve glow and grow. I have a clear cut path of where to go, and I know he is there in case I get off track. I know if I get off track, I won't be by myself to try to figure out how to get back. I know that if I can't go it on my own, or if I fail, he is there to catch me, and even take over if needed.

But this dance takes two. As much as I need him to lead, he needs me to be submissive, to follow without a fight, and do my best to honour him. He needs me to thank him when he helps me, and when he corrects me. It can be hard to always be in charge, I need to show my gratitude, I need to do what I can to show him how grateful I am, and make it easier for him. If he is trying to lead in this dance, I can't always be trying to fight the steps he wants me to take, I have to trust and let go and follow.  If I want the Duke to lead, I need to meet him halfway.  I have to be willing to follow.  Just like I can’t submit if he isn’t leading, he can’t lead if I’m always be bucking what he wants, no matter how ridiculous and small the request may seem, it is up to me to respect him.  Each time I don’t, even if it’s over something small, I risk putting a chink in the strength he is building so that he becomes the leader he wants to be.

There is a line in Nattie Jones' book "Prim and Proper Passion" that I just love. I read the story this week, and it sums up one of the reasons I find submission so beautiful. The male lead asks the female lead why it is she thinks he spanks her. She has no idea. So he tells her.  "I do it because I want to help you. I want to help you be the person you are, and keep you from turning into someone you'd rather not be."

That sums up one reason I need this. I was turning more and more into a selfish bitter person because of the death of our son. I was on a downward spiral, and even though I chased after healing as a bear would after honey, I still had so much anger in my heart. I was trying to over come the bitterness, it wasn't helping. {If you want to find a good book on spanking without anything sexual at all, this would be a good book for you.}

Another of her books, "Plain Passion" (not books in the same series) talks about how the male lead thinks his wife is sweet and lovely, and how he spanks her because he never wants her to lose that love and sweetness. {This book is quite tame as well, no sex scenes, but does have a bit of anal play.}

When my hormones hit me, I get dark, really fast. But with the Duke there, to help guide me, I've been avoiding those dark places. Even this morning, it was coming, and he stopped me cold.  He told me later he wasn't sure he'd really done anything. So I reminded him that he'd cut me off at the knees. If he hadn't, pretty soon it would have been anger building until I was mad at him, and then yelling at him, and then sadly, attacking him. If the anger, when I'm hormonal, is allowed to build at all, I go really dark, and as much as I try to fight it, I just can't. I try, I try so hard, I tell myself to calm down, remind myself that I'm being irrational, but I just can't seem to calm down. But him being there stopping me, he's keeping me sweet, he's keeping me from having to face guilt later by having to apologize for saying things I did not mean, he’s keeping me from becoming someone I don’t want to be.

So now, I’m still looking at how to be more submissive with less guidance so that I'm not needy, or depending all my obedience on him, but I also see in all this study that when he backs off completely, then I can try to be submissive all I want, but if he's not leading, how can I follow or surrender? I may have all this wrong, but I’m still processing.  You may see a post from me next week saying how wrong I was, or maybe I’ll keep learning more along this same line. So I'm going to look more closely at our dance, and see how I can do my best to make it work so that our dance is beautiful and graceful and that I’m doing all I can to make it work.  And the Duke and I are talking, a lot.  He's learning a lot with me in this as we've studied it.  There is something else we've learned, and I'll share that in another post this week if all goes as planned. :)

I hope I have not stepped on anyone's toes in my thoughts or opinions, I really am just processing.  I know the idea of submission, and ways to do it can be very controversial, and I hope it's okay to share what has helped us.  I have spent all day looking back at this post, and still nervous about posting it, but it's where I'm at right now, and in case anyone else is... wanted to share... please, PLEASE forgive me if I've shared too much, or said something to step on any toes.  These are just what works for me, for us, and may or may not be what works in your marriage, and since this is a journey, may only be the thoughts that will get us through the next season in our life...

And hopefully I made some sense in all of this.