Sunday, March 31, 2019

Questions Answered

Here are three questions we got, and the answers to them. :)

Roz: How did you and the Duke meet?
We met at church, actually.  He was going to a small church that they wanted to have a children's program for.   Instead of having two people out every week, they hired me to look after the kids, and only one church member had to help me each week.  Even though the Duke didn't have children, he started visiting the children's area more and more. ;)   I ran a group for Christian singles in our area.  One a month we did gym games night, one night a month we did a book study or board games night, and one night a month we went out to do something like bowling, bumper cars, mini golf, etc.  So I invited him to come to that.  We became friends, and out side of singles nights and church, we started chatting on MSN chat.  Then he showed up at my door one evening.  My door bell that NEVER worked, EVER, all the sudden rang.  And it was him at the door.  We were both so nervous to be alone, that we spent 4 hours talking about my cat, and the dog he grew up with.  4 hours, people.  4 hours.  I thought we'd never talk again.  It was sooooo embarrassingly painful.  But, the next time it was easier to talk about other things.  Yes, the poor man came back.  lol  18 months or so after meeting, we started dating. :)  When we started to get serious, I talked to two couples I knew, one where the woman is four years older like I am, and one where the woman was ten years older.  I wanted to know how that affected the relationship.  I also talked to my friends.  I'd dated and almost married another guy, only to find out everyone hated him.  EVERYONE.  I needed their feedback.  They all loved the Duke.  And I could tell they were sincere. :)  Not quite a year after we started dating, we were married. :)   And here we are now, 11 years married. :)

Roz: What is your favourite thing to do together (non sex/spanking related lol).
Sure, Roz, go ahead, take all the fun out of the question. :P  No spanking or sex.  :P  Hmmm, that is a good one.  I'm not sure what my favourite is.  Probably cuddling up to him so that we can watch a movie together.  I love when his arms are around me.  I love it.  But I also love going out with him to just sit and talk over a nice meal, which we don't get to do often.  I love hearing what he thinks and feels on things.  Oh, and we're recently studying some books together, we did this much earlier in our marriage, and I'm finding I'm really liking it. :) 

Ella: How do you and the Duke deal with one or the other of you being sick? It always seems to let us slip back into bad habits.
We have learned, the hard way, that letting the dynamic we live slip to the back can be very bad for us too.  The Duke used to think that because I wasn't feeling well, I shouldn't be held accountable, but then we'd see how I'd spiral out of control, feeling lost, and not sure what to do with myself.  I made this list, and even though we don't really look at it now, getting the ideas into our heads really helped.  Submission Exercises - When Sick. We still aren't as on with our dynamic when we're sick, it's just too tiring, and we have things that need our attention more.  Like, sleeping. lol  We do try to keep checking in with each other every few days, but by the time we're both better, we usually need a reset/reconnect spanking and talking session so that we're back on the same page quickly.  I hope it was okay to share the link with you, instead of printing it all back out here. :)  Sometimes the best thing the Duke can do for me, and for us in our dynamic, is to look at me, and tell me "I don't want you doing anything right now.  I want you to rest.  I'll even grab supper on the way home."  So then rest isn't just an option for when I've tired myself out, it's an order. :)  I don't have to worry about what's not getting done, I just have to worry about obeying. :)

Thank you guys for the questions, and to all my readers, please know, you can ask me/us questions any time you like. :)  Comments on here are easiest, but you can also write us as esmayslife @ gmail.com.  Hopefully I will know it's not spam, but just in case, please feel free to put the following in the subject line so I know for sure. :)
EsMay-A-Question?? ??

Friday, March 29, 2019

FIXED - A Place I Love To Share :)

If you read here earlier today, the link I provided wasn't working.  I let the owner know, and he has gotten it fixed.  It should work now. :)  I took down the post while I waited, and reposting now. :)

Hello. :)  I was going to put up my questions post today, but I only have three questions so far.  Either way, I'm going to answer them on the 31st, but I wanted to see first if there were any other questions people had for us.  About our life?  Our marriage?  Our dynamics?  Whatever. :)  If you want to ask anonymously, you can ask in the comments, or email at esmayslife@gmail.com and let me know if you want your name in the question or not. :)

It isn't like me to share a site with you all... but today I want to.  It's a special place to me. :)  I checked with the owner a few weeks ago to make sure it was alright to share, and to get some info. :)

The Duke is very protective of where I'm allowed to go outside of my blog.  The Duke has flat out not let me on a forum before, and is very careful to check with the one I'm allowed to go on.  I have been on this site for a few years now, and feel safe sharing it with you.  It doesn't get a lot of traffic, which we actually hope will grow again at some point as it used to be quite the hoping place. :)  But, there are tons and tons of topics that have been discussed over the years it has been running.  From long term DDers, to newbies, so much information has been shared.  I became a moderator on the site a year or so ago as well, so I can help keep people safe as well. :)  But this is a very tame site. :)  Very safe.

This site is very helpful if you want to talk to people.  They are so good about asking questions, about not making you feel judged, and they have so much knowledge.  And even though it is quite quiet right now, people will still answer. :)  For the first time ever, after some encouragement from members last week, I shared a blog post on it this week. :)

The site is run by Bob, he is very protective of the people on there, and someone the Duke knew for a few years because of a chat we go to.  That was a huge deciding factor for the Duke letting me go.  He knows Bob is safe, and protective.  So, if you're looking for a place to learn more about the lifestyle, if you want to read old threads where experienced DDers shared their knowledge, or have questions you want answered now, please feel free to visit.  I love how supportive and helpful the people are. :)

I talked to Bob a few weeks ago, to find out how to let you guys log in as guests if you wanted to so that you could take a look around.  I tell you below how to register. :)

The site is called CurleyBob and Friends.  And this is where you can find it. curleybobandfriends.com

User Name: Guest
Password: DD1234

You can use this guest login as long as you want.  There are many people who only lurk as guests for years.  It will not say who you are or where you are from if you are a guest.  It will only say at the bottom of the page that so many guests are on at one time, but never any information about them.  It is a great way to learn more about DD if you wish without having to put yourself out there if you're not ready. :)

You can't comment as a guest, but you can register to be able to comment.  Bob personally accepts new registrations, so it may take him one to two days to let you through.  If you do register, he asks that you provide three different names you might wish to go by, specifying which you want more, so that if one is already taken, he can take the second or third on your list. :)

I hope you get a chance to check it out if you like to read about the DD dynamic, or have questions you'd like to ask in a forum.  If you wish to see the most recent threads, anything that has been commented on in the past week shows up under the recent tab near the top of the page. :)  Right now there are only four topics, but I've seen a dozen or more going at a time as well. :)

And if you have more questions for question month, get them into me before the 31st, and I'd love to include them in my post. :) :) :)  Have a great weekend, everyone. :)

The Duke's Deductions:
Yes, I am very protective of where EsMay goes online.  I know there are a lot of dangerous places out there, and places where Dom's or HoH's think their role gives them an excuse to mistreat or verbally harass any women online. However, Curley Bob's site is a really great site and I totally feel comfortable letting EsMay post there. I recommend visiting it to anybody who wants to learn more about DD, or who needs help with DD. :)

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

A Spanking Fantasy Story - Because Amy Asked :)

Amy, over at Eric51Amy49, challenged us to write a post on a spanking that went how we dreamed it should go.  A fantasy.  I struggle with something I've shared on here before... I was punished for it just the other night, in fact.  It doesn't happen often, but then all the sudden I'll have a month or two where I struggle, and then it doesn't bother me again, sometimes for years, only to rear up again for a while.  He is how it plays out a bit, and also I added parts to what I dream about for a spanking.  :)

I mention a butt plug in this story, but I promise, nothing sexual happens. :)  Well, that may disappoint as well, depending on who is reading. ;)  lol

     “EsMay, get your butt over here, right now.”
     “Yes?”  Great, what had she done now?  She stood from their bed on shaky legs.  What was her husband so upset about?  She’d remembered her chores, she’d done all of the things he’d asked of her that morning, she’d even taken on two of his chores so that he’d have less to do when he got home.  Still, she forced her feet to cross the room to where the Duke had just locked the bedroom door behind him.  She clutched her hands together and bowed her head.  Maybe the submissive gesture would earn his favour.
     “Is that how you address me?”
     So much for getting on his good side.  “No, Sir,” she said, barely keeping her tone respectful.  There was still a chance this was not going to end in a spanking, and she would do whatever it took to keep that a possibility.
     “Good Girl.  Strip.”
     She held back a groan, barely.  With shaky hands, she stripped her t-shirt, shorts, and panties to the floor.  She then placed her hands behind her back and laced her fingers.  Long ago he’d taught her to not cover her body in front of him, and she knew better to even try, despite the nervous flutter in her stomach that begged her to do exactly that.
     “Very nice.  Head up.  Look at me.”
     He always demanded eye contact while she was naked, and basically any time she was near him.  He shared once that he knew it was hard on her, that her knew her vulnerability was overwhelming, and that is partly why he did it.
     “What were you doing just now?”
     “Reading.”  She’d had her kindle, while laying on the bed, what did he think she was doing?
     “Maybe you were doing a little bit more than that?  Were you in a hot scene?”
     “Um, maybe.”  How had he known that?
     “Were you grinding your hips and thighs after you’ve promised not to do that while reading anymore?”
     Crap.  Had she?  Sometimes it was so inherent, she didn’t even realize.  It was a rule now, because he wanted all of her pleasure.  She was in serious trouble.  “I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.”
     “Over the side of the bed, bottom in the air.”
     She obeyed, waiting as the locks on their toy box rattled, then the lid to the box creaked as it opened.  He shuffled for nearly a minute through the items, which meant he wasn’t just going to grab one of their implements on top.  He was looking for something else.
     Something wet squirted directly behind her and made her jump.  That sound could only mean one thing.  He was going to plug her.  Her body traitorously aroused and thrummed with longing.  It didn't understand that this wouldn't be for fun, and that the Duke would not use a plug that would be easy to take.
     Cold, lubricated, steel met her bottom.  She forced herself to relax.  He had trained her well, and as long as she relaxed and submitted, he would go slow, and she would be able to accept the plug without much pain.  If she fought it, it would feel like she was being ripped apart, and he wouldn’t back down, no matter how much she pleaded, because this helped her submit in a way nothing else did.
     "Good girl.  I know this is hard, that you don't want to be here, but I'm proud of you for accepting your plug for me.  Feel me stretch you open with it.  Feel it going deep.  Feel my ownership over you.  Submit, your body and your mind, to what you know you need.  Feel that need grow, let it consume you.  You need this.  You need for me to take control.  To punish you.  To set you on a good path.  To show you how to be my good little girl."
     The bottom of her heart dropped out, and she felt herself skidding into that safe place where she was all his.  Where her only want and need was to be his and please him.  Where she submitted, knowing she didn’t want to be there, getting ready for a horrible spanking, but that she needed to be.  To cleanse away the guilt, to put their relationship back on the right path, to feel in his dominance that he fully had her.
     The plug crested, and her bottom sucked it in.  It was enormous, her bottom burned where it had stretched unusually wide to accept her punishment.  She panted through the sharp pain that always followed accepting such a large object until it subsided.  The Duke understood this need for a moment, and she was always thankful he allowed it.  The reality of the punishment started to sink in.  The plug wouldn't be coming out until he removed it.  At its size, she couldn't even remove it herself if she tried, she just couldn't yank on it at the right angle.
     "Very good.”  The Duke was part sadist, she loved and hated that about him.  He had told her several times that he loved watching her go through the pain for him, accepting it until it settled simply because he willed it of her.  “You look so beautiful with that pink gem winking at me."
     She buried her face in her hands.  He might like looking at her naked behind, but she didn't  want to have to picture it.
     "Get up on the bed, arch your back, bottom as high as you can put it.  You know the position."
     She did.  She put her knees on the edge of the bed, arched her back as low as she could, placed her knees shoulder width apart, and curved her bottom up, offering it as a sacrifice for her naughty deeds.  She stretched her hands in front of her as far as they would go and clasped them together, she would not be allowed to reach back, no matter how hard the spanking got.  She would not be allowed to move even a sliver until the Duke told her she was done.  She used to be able to use a pillow to cover her screams, but she was expected to be quiet on her own now.  She could do it, it was just hard.
     “Ask me for your spanking.”
     What?  They’d never done that.  She’d read about it, it was hot in theory, but not sitting there while waiting for her bottom to be roasted.  He couldn’t be serious.
     “EsMay, ask me for your spanking, or I’ll start with the dowel, and not stop until you ask.  That won’t even be part of the punishment you’ve earned.”
     Freak, why had she encouraged him to look up dominance and study it on his own?  “I can’t.”
     “You can, because I wish it of you, and you choose to do what I wish.  Now, ask me.”
     She swallowed down her pride, tears burning at the corners of her eyes as she was forced to submit her mind even further.  “May I please have my spanking now?”
     “Good girl.  Of course you can, I will always give you what you need, especially when you ask me so nicely.”  Why did those words make her feel even more owned?
     He placed a hand on her bottom.  "Now, why are we here?"
     This is the part she hated, maybe most of all.  It was embarrassing, even with her husband of over a decade.  Admitting how bad she’d been.  How she’d disobeyed a rule.  How she struggled with something she hadn’t heard most women struggle with, so she felt even more like a failure.  And in front of the Duke, the man she wanted to please more than anything, she felt the weight of his disapproval.  She’d failed him too.
     Smack.  "EsMay, I'm waiting.  Why are we here?"
     She huffed out a sigh.  "I was pleasing myself without you here.  But I wasn't really paying attention!"
     The Duke started wailing on her bottom. Punishment spankings never deserved a warmup.  She hadn’t seen him pick up the carpet beater, but it surely wasn’t his hand he was using.  Why had she made the stupid thing?  Nylon coated steel, it was like being beaten with a cast iron skillet, not that she had an accurate comparison, but in her mind, the two were exactly alike.
     "And that's been a problem for you a number of times, hasn't it?  Not paying enough attention and getting yourself into trouble."
     "Yes," she squeaked out.
     "And tell me, why has that been a problem for you?"
     She absorbed the pain from several strokes before she could speak.  "Because, because I've orgasmed before without realizing how close I was."
     "Without me."
     "Yes."  She wanted to cover her face, but kept her hands in place.  An empty gnawing feeling clawed away inside of her.  She was better than this, he deserved better than this.  She wasn’t this weak person who couldn’t control herself, was she?  She had people who looked up to her, who came to her for advice on their marriages, on their lives, what would they think of her if they knew about this struggle?  She’d be humiliated if they found out.
     "Your orgasms belong to me.  I cause them, I tell you when to have them, I demand them from you at times, I decide how many, how often.  Me.  Not you.  If you cannot behave yourself, I'll cut off all your DD and BDSM books until you learn that all your pleasures come from me."
     Ten swats came down with much more force before he spoke again.  "Is that who you want to be, a wife who drives a wedge between her and her husband because she can't be bothered to wait until her husband is around?"
     "No!"  Five more swats rained down with such force, she knew she would carry bruises for a week.  The Duke was her world.  She didn’t want to do anything to drive a wedge between them.  She knew that intimacy was bonding for them, and every time she did this, even without thinking, she was robbing them of a chance to bond together.  If she ever forgot, she had her husband there, to painstakingly remind her.  Just as he was doing right then.
     "If this happens again, you will lose your kindle for a week."
     He would do it too.  That might even be worse than the spanking.  Her kindle was her friend.  A door to other worlds where she could escape how overwhelming her own world was, even for just a few moments a day.  She'd go crazy without it.  What was worse, he knew it, and that was why he’d threatened it.
     "How are you doing?"  The spanking stopped for a minute while he rubbed her heated bottom.
     He always did this.  Made her take part in how long her spanking would go on.  He never ended it until he decided, but he'd also make her say the words that would make it go longer.  This humbled her even more, needing to be honest, knowing it was only going to make things worse for her.  "I'm still frustrated, and still feel really guilty."
     "Let's fix that."
     He spanked for several minutes.  She wanted to pull her bottom back, to curl it under so that the strokes didn't hurt so much, so that he’d stop hitting her soft sit spot, and stop smacking the same places over and over again.  She had a wide bottom, there were several other targets available to him if he’d just adjust his focus.  She couldn't bare another stoke, her bottom was so tender and sore, burning with an intensity that even a douse of cold water could no longer fix, but he wouldn't stop.  Each stroke of the wicked carpet beater felt like he’d taken a baseball bat to her, trying to tear her apart, leaving a fire that licked at her skin each time.
     She wanted to fly off the bed, do anything to make the spanking end, but he always demanded she hold her position perfectly, and she would only earn an additional punishment if she moved even an inch.  That thought alone made her keep her bottom curled up, submitting her mind to the fact that she’d earned this.  She’d broken his trust, she deserved every tortuous stroke he decided she needed.  She’d failed, and this was how they made it right.
     "That's enough, it's enough, oh please."  She couldn’t take anymore.
     “What’s enough?”
     “The spanking.  Please, I can’t take any more, it’s too much.  Please.  I’m so sorry.”
     He spanked harder.  She hadn’t meant to say sorry, but it had slipped out.  She was sorry, so incredibly sorry, but whenever he heard those words, he spanked harder.  Tears welled up and choked at her throat, her nose burning as she tried to hold them back.  She should have kept quiet, the spanking was going to kill her.
     "I decide when it's enough, not you."
     When he was done, fifty, a hundred, a million blistering swats later, she'd lost count, he threw the carpet beater to the bed.  "Get up."
     She wanted to fly off the bed, making sure he couldn’t take another swat at her, but it took several seconds as she fought the ache in her back from having arched for so long.  She kept her gaze down, not able to handle seeing what might be written on his face.
     "Into the corner."  He placed his hand on the small of her back, and firmly guided her into position.
     He lectured her again, repeating all he'd said in the spanking.  He grabbed the loopy from their collection, and gave her dozens of swats as he reminded her what he expected of.
     When he was done, he ran his fingernails over the welts the loopy had created.  She hated this.  It tickled, burned and severely annoyed her nerve endings all at the same time.  No matter how hard she tried, she could not stay still.  He knew this, she’d told him many times, and he chuckled.  Several names for him flitted through her mind, but she was not in any position to say them out loud.  Her bottom was done, she was not up to learning any more lessons that day.
     He stepped back and left her at least five minutes to think and clear her head while he sat on the bed behind her, watching, waiting, making sure she obeyed.  It made her feel like a child, naughty, exposed, chastised, loved, special, and needy.  She didn’t feel little often, but this was often a time that did it.
     Corner time was what they'd learned she needed.  He loved her, and she needed this undisturbed time to process, or she might never get the time later.  Her body wasn't for her own pleasure.  Sometimes the need just grew in her, and it seemed impossible to wait until he was around.  But she was going to do better.  She was... she could do this… "I don't know how to fight it."
     "Fight what?"
     "Feeling so needy, so horny, when you're not here."
     "Well, then, we need to come up with some ideas to help you, don't we?"  He came up behind her and placed both hands on her bare shoulders.
     "I would like that, Sir."
     He was quiet for a moment.  Saving her from herself was something he took very seriously.  Sometimes it was the quiet moments like this where his love shone the brightest.  This moment where he worked out a plan to help her because she was that important to him.
     “If I worked a job where you could call me at any time, I'd say to call me.  Since you can't, I want you to write it down.  If you're too busy to go into detail, write down the word tempted and leave it on my side of the bed.  If you have time, I want you to write out what you’re feeling, type it out if it’s easier.  Tell me what you’re thinking, and how you want to be a good girl for me.
     “Then I want you to get busy.  Chores, playing with baby girl, working on your novel, anything to get you off the bed, and not reading, or playing scenes in your head that will make you even more needy.
     "Come here."
     She obeyed, turned around and placed her hand into the one he held out for her.
     "Kneel."
     Her heart settled, calm spread through her.  This is what she needed.  A reminder that he was with her, had her, was stronger than her, and fully capable of tackling the troubles she struggled with on her own.  She sank to her knees, completely naked at his feet while he stood over her fully clothed.  She was fully exposed, and she could trust him.  He placed a hand on her shoulder, and she gathered strength from it.  This was when he showed she was forgiven.  This was her favourite part.
     “Thank me for spanking you.”
     She had to ask for her spanking, and thank him for it as well?  Who was this man?
     “Spanking you like this, it’s not only hard on you, it’s hard on me.  It’d rather give you softer spankings, spankings to help you relieve stress, or help you feel my control.  I want you to thank me for doing what you need.”
     When he put it like that, she had no choice.  He could have let this slide, but it would have challenged his rule over her, it would chip away at the foundation they were so desperately still trying to build.
     “Thank you for spanking me, Sir.”
     He nodded his pleasure, then grabbed her chin and held it firmly, but not enough to cause pain.
     "Who do you belong to, Little Girl?" His eyes bore into hers.  This was a lesson he apparently wanted her to learn to the core of who she was.
     "You."  Her chest constricted with longing and need.  It bubbled up, and threatened to drag her under.
     "Who owns this body?"  He placed his hand against the side of her head, and pulled her forward until her opposite cheek rested against his thigh.
     "You do."
     "Exactly.  If I find you touching what is mine without my permission again, this spanking will have felt like I spanked you with a feather.  Do you understand me?"
     "Yes, Sir."  Oh goodness, he would spank harder?  She'd never live through it.
     "Good Girl."
     He pulled her up into his strong arms, and just held her there, his chin on the top of her head.  She was home.  After a moment, he wrapped one hand around the back of her neck, sending her into a submissive freefall.
     “You’re going to wear that plug for an hour.  Afterwards, you’re going to be my good little girl.  You’re going to obey me.  I’m not going to take your kindle this time, but you won’t read any DD or BDSM books for the rest of the day.  Give your head a chance to clear.  If you find you’re tempted when reading tomorrow, you’re done for the day tomorrow too.  Do you understand me?
     “Yes, Sir.”  She snuggled in.  His orders making her feel cherished, wanted, valued.
     They stayed like that for several minutes while he massaged her hot cheeks.  And all too soon it was time to rejoin the world outside their bedroom door.  But he’d still have her, he always had her.
     He helped her dress, and gave her bottom a pat right where the plug sat, as they left the room.  The stinker.  She tamed the smile.  Everyone would think they had just been intimate if she didn’t calm down.  But hadn’t they been?  She felt just as much his, just as close to him, just as bonded, even more so, than any time they’d been intimate.  She stopped, turned around, hugged her husband in the hallway, and whispered in his ear.
     “Thank you.”

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

The Duke's Gift This Month

This month the Duke turned a year older. :)  I spent two months trying to find the right pictures and the right phrases.  He loves John Wayne.  It's a lot of how he got his name.  I love him with Maureen O'Hara.  We love McLintock!, and really liked the Quiet Man. :)  Oh, who am I kidding, any time they were in a movie together, it was magic.

So I got a friend to print these out, and I put them in our room for his birthday.  Here they all are, put up.  I was so nervous.  My heart went into this gift.  What if he didn't like it?  What if he thought the spanking one was too risqué and told me to take it down?  I had had the word spanking, but put enforcer because I thought, he enforces in many ways, and so did the Duke. :)

My Duke did ask about the spanking photo, and I told him to just tell people I picked moments I liked from their movies, and that I just found that one funny.  :P  I mean, I don't think people will honestly think too much about it if they're not into a spanking relationship.  Well... maybe they will since our locked box of toys is underneath, but that is merely coincidental.  lol  But not many people go into our room, so I'm not too concerned. :)

So, I'm glad to say, he loves his gift!  He really seems to love it. :)  I am so thankful.  It was my heart going into this gift.  It meant a LOT to me, because it's a show of our dynamic in a safe way that others can see, but not understand its depth, but a reminder every time I see it of the wonderful man I married.  The Duke. :)  The blue around the border is because we have a blue wall in our room, but also because it's the colour of the Duke's words when he writes here. :)

Here is what they look like up, and I'll provide the larger one of each below. 

Happy Birthday this month, Duke.  I love you sooo much.

The Duke's Deductions: 
Thank you soooo much for this birthday gift Esmay. It really makes me feel special to know you spent so much time thinking of a good gift that means something instead of just buying something. It feels like it is full of meaning. The pictures in black and white look really classy, and love how you used the pictures and words to illustrate the concepts.  Thank you so much.  I love you too.

OH NO. They say you rub off on each other after years of marriage, the Duke just picked up one of my bad habits. I often put "soooo much". :P  He's picking up my bad habits! :P

PS I just asked the Duke if he'd rather the bottom pictures be closer together like the top ones are. He sat and stared at them on the wall and then said "No, I like them that way. If you squint, they kind of look like a woman bent over ready for her spanking." DUKE!!!! Take all the romanticism out of it... or I guess in our case, it adds to it. LOL Silly, wonderful, man. :)

Sunday, March 24, 2019

Because I Choose To

The idea for today's post was helped by a book, Conquer Me by Kacie Cunningham.  We got this book three years ago, and for that time, it's sat in our collection of toys and implements.  I read the first couple chapters, but it didn't resonate with me.  It was talked about in chat a couple of weeks ago, and we decided to bring it back out.  Well, I should have read further, because chapter 4 and on spoke to my heart, reached out and grabbed me and isn't letting go.  I'm about to start chapter nine, and let me tell you, I LOVE THIS BOOK!!!


In chapter 4, she talks about a thought I have thought a lot on, but reading it in her book, really brought the thought sharper into focus for me.

A unwilling submissive asks "Do I have to?"
Her dominant answers "No. You choose to."

And my heart flips in my chest, and yearning bubbles to the surface.  I almost can't breathe, that need, it's overwhelming and smoothers me.  YES.  Yes, a million times over, again and again.  YES.

I may not want to do something the Duke asks or demands of me, but I choose to.  I am rarely punished, so let's use that as the example.  Do I want to lay across the bed, making sure my butt is stuck as high in the air as possible, making it an easy target for punishment when he tells me to?  To stay in complete position no matter how much it hurts and how longs it goes because he says I will not move?  To know I'm not allowed to control any part of my punishment, nor beg him to go easier?  To face how much I've failed in something that was expected of me?  Do I want all this?  NO.  Do I have to submit to all this?  No.  My submission is a gift, it is not forced.  I could choose to say no.  But then I'd undo everything.  I'd lose everything.  It's not worth what I would sacrifice, in me, in him, in us.

So, I choose to say yes.  Again and again.  Every time.

I choose to give my submission to the Duke.  I choose to let him decide what he needs from us.  What he specifically needs from me.  I choose to let him tell me what to do, to demand what he wishes from me.  I choose this dynamic, and I choose this control he has over me.  I choose to, because I choose to give the Duke the power to make me do whatever he wants to, in this instance and every other.  I choose to submit, to bend my will to his, to obey even when it's difficult, to accept punishment even when it's going to really hurt.  I choose it all, because I choose him, in this role, over me.

I literally feel that in a dominant saying "You choose to" in this dynamic, he is essentially saying "You choose to because I choose you to, and you choose to obey me.  When you chose to obey me, you chose to want to do the things I want you to do, because you have decided that in obeying me, that what I find important, you will find important.  I want you to do this, and since you want to please me, since you want to obey me, you want to do this too."  That is what I hear in my head when I have the choice.  And FRIG, if that isn't HOT!  And frig, if it doesn't send the submissive side of me into a complete puddle. 

Now that the Duke knows this, now that I've seen the smirk when I shared it with him last night, something tells me I might just have those words said to me at some point. lol  Is it wrong that I want him to call out this side of me?  To demand that I remember my choice in it all?  To feed that feeling of almost helpless vulnerability as I offer myself up to him?  This is what I want, no matter how hard it is to do.  It's what I crave down to my core.

I may not always want to do what the Duke asks/demands of me.  But yet, I do, because obeying him, making him proud of me, submitting me to him, that's my happy place.  And I will want and do anything to be in that place.

I didn't highlight much in the first three chapters, but then in chapters 4 and on, this happened! :)  I underlined what I liked, and I completely highlighted what resonated in my soul.  There are already a few other things I've read so far that I want to blog about.  So you will be seeing this book in a few posts.  I purposefully blurred the photos so that people can't read what is written because I thought that wasn't fair to the author.  But if you want a copy, paperback or ebook, you can get them here and other places.  I highly suggest getting the paperback and highlighting it like I am, and then getting your other half to read it, and talk each chapter over.  This book was written for female submissives, because she is one, and that is her point of view.

Conquer Me - Kacie Cunningham
On Amazon.ca
On Amazon.com

The Duke's Deductions:
First off, I think this is a really great book. I am glad Esmay found a book that resonates with her, and that she can relate to. Sometimes in this life you can feel alone, and if you aren't in agreement with the people you talk to it can really feel lonely, so I am glad Esmay found something she really relates to. This is a really great chapter. Submissives aren't being forced against their will to do things. They want to obey their Dom. It may be something that she doesn't want to do, but the feeling she will get knowing she is obeying will outweigh that. The idea of a submissive doing something she doesn't want to do, because she wants to obey her Dom is a really hot idea.  It is a good reminder for me as well that sometimes I just need to give Esmay orders or instructions, not for my sake, but for hers. Which in the long run is better for me as well if it leads to her being more submissive and our relationship being strengthened.

Guess I'm not the only one who found this idea hot. :P  Good to know. :)

Going to do our post on or around March 28th, so if you have any more questions for us, we'd love to hear them.  About our dynamic, our marriage, our lives, what have you.  It can be just for me, for the Duke, or for both of us. :)  We have a few questions already, and thank you for those that already sent some in. :)  We'd love more if you have any questions for us, though we hope you always feel free to ask questions, even when we don't offer. :)

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

Got Questions?

A fellow blogger asked me if anyone was asking questions this month, as March has been questions month in the past.  I have not heard anything... has anyone else?

I hope you always feel free to ask questions, at any time of the year.  :)  But to instigate it on here, I'd love to hear if you have any questions for us.  It can be for me, the Duke, or both of us.  We're pretty open on here, so feel free to ask anything, aside from what would reveal our real identities. :)  It can be about DD, D/s, BDSM, implements, punishments, intimacy (within reason), about our marriage, and anything outside of that. Our likes, dislikes, hobbies, etc.  :) 

So, anything you'd like to know about us?  If you are a lurker, and want to ask a question, please feel free to comment anonymously, or to email us at esmayslife@gmail.com and put Questions Month in the subject line so I know it's not spam. :)

Ask Away. :)

Sorry for the crude picture, only had a few minutes to make something up.  But wanted something for the post. :)


Tuesday, March 19, 2019

About Comments - FIXED! :) - Updated

Hello. :) Is anyone having trouble commenting on this blog? On others? I can't reply to the last comments on my last post, and I can't comment on anyone's blog to reply. :( I hit reply, and nothing happens, no comment box pops up. I see others commenting on blogs, so I'm not sure what is wrong. :( Has anyone run into this before? I turned my computer off and on, cleared history, etc. Not sure what to do next. :(

Thank you for any help you can offer! :) :)

UPDATE: Thank you everyone who wrote on here, and who emailed me. It was a long day trying to figure it out. And you know where I found the problem? My antivirus marked the reply button as a bad widget. AUGH. I only found it because it started giving me a warning when I tried repeatedly to click it last night when nothing else would work. lol So I had to make a change in my antivirus, and I'm a happily replying commenter again! THANK GOODNESS! :) It makes me feel detached when I can't reply to you guys. :)

Friday, March 15, 2019

The Thought That SAVED My Marriage

This is one of those hard to share posts, where I share secrets,,, but I believe we can all learn from each other and each others marriages, so in case this helps one other marriage... here we go.  DD saved our marriage.  It isn't true for every marriage, but it is for ours.  But a line I now quote to myself also saved us. :)  Here is how it came to be, and what it is. :)

Years ago, before DD, our marriage hit rock bottom.  Then we started DD, and our marriage was AMAZING.

But then it happened, the Duke slid back.  This past summer, I wanted my marriage to end.  If you read my blog last year, you might have noticed that through spring and summer, most of my posts did not deal with us at all, or were mostly of me in a dark place... I just didn't share how horribly bad it had gotten.  I couldn't, I was too hurt.  I shared a few rough starts to DD on here, but they'd last a day, and then nothing.  The Duke made no other attempts at our marriage.

It was bad.  I won't go into the details, it's hard on the Duke to rehash, and honestly, isn't fair to him either to bring it all back up.  He's changed, we don't need to keep going back, but he agreed, that for this post, it wouldn't make sense without sharing some of what happened.  He ignored me, and treated me like my only value was to cook and clean for him.  It was a long time of him not talking to me at all.  I was so neglected, I was so hurt.  He left every decision up to me.  I wanted to leave, I couldn't, we have agreed to never divorce, and I could never bring myself to do it.  I could never walk away.  But one night in early September, it looked like the Duke might have betrayed me, not cheating, but that he'd stabbed me in the back.  Thankfully he hadn't.  But during it, I had to fight to stay until he could come home and clear things up.  I had no way of contacting him that day, and we were just in such a bad place already.  I looked at my daughter, my beautiful, at the time three year old, sweet little girl, and I couldn't do that to her.  Take her from her Daddy.  She'd have been devastated.  But, we couldn't keep living the way we did in our marriage, that was not a healthy example for her either.  And I wanted her to see more strength in me than just being a doormat.

So, I had to do something.  But, let's face it, sometimes when we're the only ones fighting for our marriages we're just exhausted from trying.  We have given past what we can, we have nothing left.

I had to stop holding resentment.  I had to stop having a victim mentality in my marriage. 

I learned something during last summer.  Another blogger helped me a lot to be honest.  I was done with my marriage, and she convinced me to keep trying, to not give up.  Over and over again she encouraged me for months.  But I'd already given all I could.  The Duke didn't deserve me to give more, right???  It made me so mad to think that my marriage was dead, and it was still my responsibility to fix it when he felt fully loved and contented and I was the one who was so hurt and miserable. 

But what it all taught me was this. I can always fight more for my marriage than I think I can, even if I think there is absolutely nothing left.  I can always give more to get to that goal I want for us and our marriage.  When I think I've given all I can, that I am completely depleted, I still have more hidden somewhere, even if I begrudgingly and almost hatefully gave it at first.

So, I took on a new motto.  I didn't mean to, but in the midst of it all, this started to emerge, and I said it often.

What do I REALLY WANT for my marriage?
Now, what do I HAVE TO DO to get it?

Taking on that line changed me.  It gave me energy when I had none.  It silenced me when I wanted to tell my husband off.  It helped me praise him when all I wanted to do was tear him down.  It helped me work harder when I just wanted to quit.  It made me swallow my pride when I felt I was too good to lower myself to do things I felt he should be doing to fix us.  It helped understand instead of just lay blame.

At times I had to apologize when I didn't want to, especially when I felt his side of things was way more to blame.  I had to work harder when I was exhausted.  I had to admit when I was failing, even if it was embarrassing.  I had to admit where I was enabling his bad treatment of me.  I had to do so many uncomfortable things, things I hated, but knew our marriage would not survive if I did not.  Did I want a better marriage?  Because if I did, I had to suck it up at times, and do what needed to be done to get us to where I wanted us to be.

I wanted love.  I wanted our marriage to work, for us to be happy, for us to thrive.  I wanted DD, D/s, BDSM, because our marriage works better with it.  So everything I did was with all these goals in mind.

And what happened?  The marriage you've been reading about since fall.  The marriage, where for the first time ever, my husband fights for us as much as I do.  The marriage that the second the Duke notices space between us, he now steps in to fix before I even get a chance.  We make decisions together, check in on each other, fulfill each others needs, and each others fantasies.  He is happiest leading, and I'm happiest following.  I'm happy.  I'm fulfilled.  I do not ever go to bed crying anymore like I did before all this.

I have all I ever dreamed of, and more.  I'm spanked, cuddled, held accountable and bossed at times.  I have rules.  I'm cared for.  I matter.  I am fully loved.  The Duke seeks me out to be intimate, he never did in our marriage before.  He can't keep his hands off me now.  I kneel naked at times.  I'm lectured.  I'm plugged.  Lately I'm even cleaned out because he's worried about a health issue I'm having.  I'm tied up.  Sex is amazing.  I'm told to obey.  I'm told to submit.  AND I LOVE IT, every freaking minute. :) 

It did not happen over night.  It didn't happen in a month.  But I just kept asking myself what I wanted for my marriage, and then asked my self what I had to do to get us there.  It wasn't going to fix itself.  Someone had to fight for it.  I had to be that someone.  So now, every choice, I'm very aware of the future, and where I want us to go.


Made these little guys by mistake one day by playing with making swirls on my computer.  Loved them when I realized they made a couple. :)

So... just a line that has completely changed how I look at my marriage.  It doesn't just happen.  In our dynamic I have given up control in many, many areas.  But in this, I have control.  I have control over whether my marriage is working.  So does the Duke, and for the first time, he's taking ownership and fighting for us too.  We can let our marriage run its own course, but that is never good.  Or we can grab it by the horns, reign it in, and tell it what path to take. 

And I still have that blogger, and now also a commenter who has become a great friend, to keep me in line if I'm not doing my best. :)  They don't let me get away with anything! :P  I never had people I was accountable outside my marriage, it really does help.

Not sure it will help anyone out there or not, but it's what has helped us.  Sometime soon we'll share another post with a second line that has helped me in our marriage.  Not as much as this one did, but still, helped a lot. :)

The Duke's Deductions:  Esmay's always fought for our marriage, and I'm glad this time she didn't give up.  She seems much happier now, and I'm glad we've moved forward, and that we moved past that period.  I am thankful she didn't give up, and that she found a solution for us.  I feel more confident with our marriage.  I want to do whatever I can to keep Esmay.  I want to take better care of her.  I can't imagine losing her.  I don't know what I would do if I did, that just sounds scary to me.  I'm just really happy that we realized how important our marriage is.  I love Esmay.

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Earning More Spankings - EEK!

I decided last Monday that it was a good day to get a week long stomach flu. :P  Oh my goodness, it was HORRIBLE!  I shouldn't say a week long one, there was one day, day 6 I believe, where I felt a bit normal, but other than that, I was miserable.  I got it from my best friend, and I'm such a good person, I decided to take down my husband, daughter, sister and father. :P  See, I know how to share. :P  (Wrote this last night and woke up with a very upset stomach today, eek, it's the flu that won't quit)

So, this is a post I started before I got sick that I will finish up. :)  I think you will like the Duke's words at the end. :)

Either I'm acting up more, or the Duke is getting more particular about how obedient he wants me, because I earned another spanking.  No, no bratting was involved.  But a bad decision and a poor memory were.

I want to have a girls night in the near future, but my sister was visiting me as well on the night that worked for my friends (this is also where I caught that dreaded flu).  Without thinking, I said the Duke could help look after my sister's children.  I never do that.  I never offer up the Duke to do things without checking with him first.  I am not sure, even to this day, if he was more shocked, or upset with the fact that I did that without asking him.  But I earned a spanking.

I told him I was sorry.  Then I said "I'm not saying sorry anymore, because you only spank me harder when I say it!"  He laughed, a full belly laugh that I have never seen in anyone else but the Duke.  Then I was blubbering, saying "I'm so sorry, no, I mean, not sorry, augh, I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry."  I was so pathetic. lol

He asked me if I'd had enough.  I said yes.  He asked if I really had, or if I was just trying to get out of the punishment.  I told him I really had.  And said that probably 10% of me was saying it to get out of any more spanking, but that I really had learned my lesson.  And then I was spanked again!  Harder than before.  It didn't end.  I was so thankful when he told me to get up on the bed.  He said there would have been corner time if I hadn't sprained my ankle just an hour before hand.  I didn't think anything of it, but I do today.  He's started using corner time the past few weeks after a spanking, and it's amazing to me how unaffected I feel today compared to any spankings lately.  I think the corner time is really helping me focus afterwards and to walk away with the right mindset.  Great, now I have to go and share that with him.  Good thing he's insisting on approving of my posts now. lol

So that was one spanking.  Another time, the day the Duke's brother and father were visiting, I wanted to have all of my work done before 1pm.  I asked the Duke to hold me accountable.  But then I wasn't feeling very well, and used it as an excuse to be lazy.  I finished at 3pm.  The Duke reminded me that I asked him to hold me accountable for every minute.  Freak, really?  What was I thinking????  I earned 120 spanks for 120 minutes late.  I got a bit upset while cleaning too, and said the sh.... word... yes, I did. :(  That bad attitude and swear word earned me 50 more spanks.  Now, before  you think he's a brute, and abusive, he did go a bit too easy in the beginning, just to make sure I could get through it all.  He switched implements every 20 spanks.  I didn't have a mark on me afterwards, which I actually found surprising, and to be honest, a little disappointing.  There just is something about carrying around a bruise from a hard spanking.  Right? ;)

So, all of this has me going down some interesting thoughtful paths on submission.  There is also a book the Duke and I are going to read on submissive lifestyles, and a 30 day email program on submission that I will actually do over a few months because of all the reading and podcasts they have.  I think I'll share some of my thoughts on it here. :)  I'm hoping that today is the first day of many good days of good health.  I really have missed being here.  I'm going to be spending time learning more about submission, and look forward to sharing some of what I learn with you all, in the middle of all the real life stuff going on. :)

The Duke's Deductions: 
I love EsMay, and although it may seem counter-intuitive, sometimes a spanking is what she needs. Yes the spankings are painful physically, but I have realized if I let too many things slide or go too easy on her, that can be more painful emotionally. It can send a message that I don't care if I don't keep up my end and spank her when it is justified. Also I feel that as this long sickness has lasted on in our family, that I have become lax in my HoH-ing. I am still not 100 % right now but I am looking for ways I can continue to try to be strong for EsMay and for ways to lead in our marriage.

Oh, he's already making up for us being sick.  He gave me a reset last night because I was acting a bit lost and completely overwhelmed with a problem I was facing.  Ouchie, and oh thank goodness. :) :)