Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Bit Of A Sad Post, Sorry

If you got here today, sorry about the change in my url. :(  I made a mistake and sent an email to my whole church from my google account, and when someone asked my why the new email, I knew I had to switch due to how many people there have google profiles.  If you wouldn't mind letting people know, or updating your blogrolls, I am really sorry about the inconvenience.  Thank you for finding me again. :) 

And sorry for the sad post I wrote before hand to greet you all with... :(  Here is the post I wrote before I found out about needing to change my blog.

This isn't really a DD post, so don't feel you have to read, and it's a bit depressing too, so don't feel you have to read that either.

Do you ever get the feeling that you don't belong?

I struggle with this, and even more so lately.  All the sudden the Duke and I really are in a class all by ourselves amoung everyone we know.  I have very little to talk about with anyone I know, and I feel so distant, and unconnected because of it.

At our church, there is only two couples that don't have kids, and multiple kids, there are more children right now than adults.  The other couple married last year and want one more year before trying as they are going on a long vacation starting next month and want to be hormone and child free for it.  So in that respect, we have nothing to talk about most weeks as mothers talk about potty training, and breast feeding, and pregnancy.  I'm not allowed to join in, I'm not a mother, I don't know what I'm talking about.  Forget the fact that I've been a nanny for 12 years of my life, that obviously amounts to nothing.  I also can't talk about pregnancy because then the room goes quiet, or I get talked over because my pregnancy didn't really count, I mean, a child that lives only 2 hours, why should it....

And then there are my friends.  One set, we applied for adoption before them, and were told we'd be in the next class, but now they're in that next class and we aren't, and I'm trying not to let that hurt, but it does, and so I have a hard time talking about it.  Another friend is having a hard time too, but with our schedules, it seems like we really can't get together.  Other friends are off buying houses and spending their money, and giving big gifts for Christmas.  The Duke and I don't make that much money, our gifts, compared to those we receive, are going to be so small, not even 1/4 of the price for some, 1/10th for others.  Then family, and they too only talk about kids and grandkids, and I really feel overwhelmed with children all around me all the sudden.  I wanted to step back as co head of the Children's ministry at my church this month, after being involved since 2005, but when I went to do it, one of the other co head, there are three of us, said he'll be leaving.  That makes me feel a bit trapped as well I guess...

And now, I almost made a DD slip the other day.  In a room full of people!  I am co head of several groups at my church.  It was our Christmas party the other night that I had planned.  Everyone seemed to have a good time... but for the first time, after a decade and a half of planning this thing, I felt disconnected, and just wanted the party to flow from game to game, and then be over with.  I didn't connect with people, I didn't feel their joy, or their ability to have fun.  I felt forced to perform.

I don't know if it's Christmas coming, and that always makes me sad, or if it's the fact that as soon as the party was over, I crashed, and I mean literally crashed.  My heart palpatated so bad I couldn't sleep that night, I was freezing when the Duke said the room was fine, and I didn't not feel good at all.  This went on for a few days combined with a major migraine, I think from the palpatations.

Now I'm starting to feel better.  I had to miss work yesterday, first time since I started back, and I don't feel ready to join the world.  I don't care what people think of me usually, but now I'm starting to really care.  I just want to fit in... somewhere.  I want to find people I can connect with.  Being winter, and us living in different towns, it'll be even harder to see the one friend I really do get on with, and I find that makes me miss her even more.

Sorry this is a down post, I just felt I had to get my feelings out there.  I really need to look around for a place to fit in... just right now, I don't have the time or energy.  Hopefully with the new year coming, I'll be more able to.

Hope you are all well out there, and this week is being kind to you.


  1. Oh Es May,

    My heart hurts for you sweetie. I wish I could be there to give
    you a hug and a kiss. I wish I could hold your hand and pray
    with you. I have been where you are... though now I am where
    you wish to go.

    StrongMan and I couldn't get pregnant for years. When we tried to adopt, we
    were rejected due to my health. At church, I was a Sunday School teacher and
    I helped organize many of the children's activities. I also painted scenery and
    decorate walls with murals. I was overwhelmingly busy but I felt alone. I wanted
    a child of my own so much. All my friends had children and they would plan fun
    play dates but I could never come because I had no child.

    I was also a nanny for many years! We have a lot in common you, and I!

    You aren't alone. I know so many of us here in blogland will assure you
    of that, and I also know it isn't the same is it? It's not like we are there
    face to face with you.

    But we are heart to heart sweetie.


    1. Sara... thank you so much. {{{HUGS}}} In a way, I am glad that I went through all this, it will make me much more understanding to those without children. The Duke and I have already talked about a few things we will not do to other people when we have children. And after having been a nanny for 12 years, I think we can keep most, if not all, of those promises to ourselves. :)

      We really do have a lot in common, that is really kind of cool. :) And even though we can't talk face to face, I have come to think of the people here true friends, as much, if not more, than those in real life. :)

  2. Dear Es May,
    This is my first time commenting but I just wanted to reach out to you to say I am sending prayers your way. I had a miscarriage on Chistmas Eve years ago & it was very hard to get through, I can only imagine the pain of having given birth and then losing the child & my heart goes out to you. People can be so cruel even if it's unintentional & I can relate to the feeling of being alone & disconnected even in a room full of people. I am sending prayers for strength, healing & for a resolution your way.
    Scarlet aka SHM

    1. Oh Scarlet, it is so nice to meet you! :) I am sorry about your miscarriage. {{{HUGS}}} We had one of those too, and I know how heartbreaking they are. Thank you for the prayers, I truly could use them. :)

  3. God hands us only those things we can handle and to those that are stronger he gives more difficult challenges. Try focusing on all that is good in your life, you have Duke and have come together this year as never before.

    Materials things don't count, the older I get the more I realized it is just STUFF. You don't come into this life with STUFF and when you leave the STUFF stays behind. It's not important, what is important is the love you share with your huband, family, friends and with world at large.

    Try to remember to Let Go and Let God. He is in charge and will lead you where you are meant to be.

    1. Oh Sunny Girl, I so agree with you about the material possessions. We spent the past year going through our apartment three times, giving away more and more stuff each time. We just did not need all that stuff. I myself don't care if I get anything for Christmas, but I feel pressured at times to meet what others give, but this year the Duke and I decided, to give more than we can afford is pretending to be in a financial bracket we aren't in... and that would be dishonest.

      Let Go, and Let God, I have not heard that in a long time, but it is something I have been working on in my life, I struggle, but I'm getting better. Thank you so much.

  4. You really do fit in somewhere and it's right in the middle of all of us, you have a whole community that you fit in perfect with, we want you and you are needed! I think everyone has their own struggles during this time f year.. I always get really stressed because I tend to take on too many projects. You will get through this and come out the other end of it ok...

    1. Mizz Behavin, thank you so much for saying I am wanted and needed, that really means a lot to me. :) It's always nice to be needed. :)

  5. My dear EsMay,
    I so understand all this! I was in your shoes for 7 years - feeling like I was not welcomed to be any part of the 'mommy club', and that they didn't value my thoughts or observations, no matter my experiences either. Feeling invisible, and feeling breakable at the same time - having people suddenly turn to watch me as I would absorb another's pregnancy announcement, and knowing they were watching, plastering a huge smile on my face, as my insides just sunk. It's very hard. The thing is, the women who never struggled with not having babies don't really know how to relate - it's like naturally skinny people not being able to understand why others struggle to lose weight - it's so far removed from their lives. And mommies of young children are so consumed by their daily dealings, that they forget that there are others who are struggling with things too. (People can be insensitive - but they are doing so mostly out of ignorance or their own needs to be heard - so try to show them grace. I know it still hurts, but you can do it......and you've got the Duke's big shoulder to cry on when you need to)

    As to the sadness that can come with the holiday season - I know that well too. I am now on medication for SAD - and it makes getting through the winter months and the overwhelming stuff around the holidays much more bearable. Maybe try talking to your doctor. And try not to worry about the amount of money you can spend on gifts compared to others (I need to remember this too) Remember the widow's mite - that she gave out of her poverty, and Jesus said is was worth more to Him than the big donations of the wealthy. It was her heart that mattered to Him.

    And as far as being involved in so many ministries - it's a bummer when you feel like you can't step down. I encourage you to talk to the Duke - and if he feels like it would be best for you to step down from ANY of the ministries you are in - including the children's ministry, then do it. There are others who can and should step up. You need to listen to your husband and do what is best for you. (taking a step back from being so involved in that area might be good for your heart too)

    And lastly, I totally understand that feeling of being separate from others who are not in dd/ttwd. It's like you have to edit yourself every time you have a conversation with them - where here, we enjoy so much freedom to be open and honest and we get to enjoy the comaraderie of being around like minded people.I'm sure you are not the only one who feels this way - not that it makes it any easier when you are in those situations... but it does help sometimes to know that you are not unusual.

    My heart goes out to you my little friend, and I will be keeping you in my prayers as well as checking in with you to make sure that you are ok.
    Love and hugs,

    1. Thankfully the Duke and I have talked, and I have stepped away from a few committies at church, and that has helped. I may step back from a few more... I'll see. :) And thank you for sharing about your past with dealing with children. The same happens here, I feel the eyes searching me out whenever it is made known someone else is pregnant, and then I feel the need to perform, and then I don't think it's fair that they put me in that position. But I do try to tell myself that people aren't meaning to be mean... and I really hope that is true. {{{HUGS}}}

  6. Those people you think are perfect and have everything, probably struggle with so many thing behind close doors, it's the same way on facebook, people can make their lives seem so wonderful. You have a fantastic marriage and a wonderful husband, a closeness that many people don't get to experience. You are the lucky one!

    I think people have a tendency to be pretty insensitive, but it doesn't always come from a mean place, it comes from not knowing what to say or do, but it still stinks, and it's easy to feel like you're being pushed to the outside. I know for me, I felt like everyone avoided me, and didn't know what to say, and it taught me a lesson, people still feel like pregnancy loss is a taboo subject, they don't know what to do. I know I didn't know what to say to someone, but I do now, and I make sure I go up to them and just say something, even if it's just sorry..and don't let anyone make you feel like you're not a mother, you are a mother and you will always be. You have a right to share your experiences too!

    And, I totally get the money struggles, we're living on one paycheck, and while I'm so happy to be able to stay at home, it can be a struggle. Our 10 yr anniversary is this week, and were not exchanging gifts, nor will we for Christmas. It's just the way it is, and it's hard to look around and see what others have, but it is just stuff. The Holidays can be just so overwhelming!

    I'm glad you're feeling a bit better, I really believe better days are ahead, just keep the faith and keep fighting. I'm sending you a huge cyber hug!! Lots of love

    1. Oh Jennelle, I promise, I don't think anyone has it altogether, we all live through our own heartaches, and hard times. I truly believe that.

      I like what you said about how to help those that have lost. It is something I really fought for in my church, that we talked about infant death, and didn't sweep it under the rug. I also worked with people to make mother's day about all women, spiritual mothers, role model mothers, and birth mothers.

      We do the same most years, not gifts, and I have to say, those are often my best years. :) We get a bottle of champagne, make up something nice, and just sit together and talk and cuddle and tease and have so much fun. :)

      And thank you, I really hope and pray better days are ahead. :) I could use some. :) {{{HUGS}}}

  7. Oh EsMay,
    As you know, I'm in the same place as you at the moment with this one. It's incredibly difficult and it is exclusion. Mothers with young children are the most arrogant people I know. They are oblivious to anything going on around them and it makes me soooo mad. All they want to do is show off how wonderful they are. H and I ended up leaving our church about 3 months ago and finding a new one. Not easy as we live in a small town but the pressure from some of those women was too intense.
    Christmas is the hardest time of year for all of this. We have to spend Christmas day with my Mum's sister and her gazillion kids and grandkids. My Mum has 3 of us but I'm the only married one. She and her sister are always trying to show each other up and I'm seriously considering not showing on Christmas day this year.
    As for H's family….. his mother insists we buy presents for all our step nieces and nephews… we rarely see them, they don't even acknowledge us when we do see them. Its a cause of constant fights between us because I refuse (Christmas isn't about presents for me) and he wont tell his mother where to shove it.
    Ok, sorry, this topic really pulls at heart strings and not good ones, just painful ones.
    You are NOT alone. Mothers ARE the most exclusive people on the planet.
    Email me if you wanna chat ;)


    1. First of all, {{{{{HUGS}}}}} I know how hurtful mothers can be, but I also hope theydon't mean to hurt us. {{{HUGS}}} I know they must have a lot of love and struggles too.

      I have thought of leaving out church, and someday we may... but right now I do feel I'm supposed to stay. I did have a meeting today with the Children's Team, I want to see some changes made. We'll see how they go, the fact that another cohead wants these changes as well gives me hope. :)

      I get the nephews and nieces thing, we too struggle. There are so many on my side, and only one on the Duke's. They all exchange names, and yet it's sometimes suggested we give to all... yet no one else does... sometimes we will give to all, but it's something small, like a littler ornament. I tell them that I will do what I can, and that is all I really can do.

      {{{HUGS}}} Callie, I am praying for you, and thank you for your support.

  8. EsMay,
    I'm truly so sorry for what you are and have gone through with the loss of your precious baby. That's awful to feel excluded by other mothers.

    We once left a church partly because of financial differences; that's the last place I want to be reminded of material things. And I strongly believe that if you're not called to volunteer for something, esp. at church, then the church is better off if you do not.

    I hope things feel brighter for you.

    1. That is something I am learning, Leah, and it has actually gotten me to back off a few things already. :) I feel lighter for it, and so happy. I am praying about what to do about the Children's Team, and hope for direction. :)

      Thank you for your kind words, they really meant a lot to me.

  9. Hey sweet Es May...I do believe there is something in the air...quite a few of us are struggling a bit this year.

    I won't even pretend to know what it's like to be in your position of wanting a child and having to feel the eyes of everyone each time someone else announces they are expecting. But I can say I know what it's like in other ways.

    Sweetie...no matter what 'public face' people put out there, no one's life is perfect. Sounds to me like you are over-committed and stressed. You might also want to have your vitamin levels checked.

    Just listen to your Duke and know that we are all here for you. Sending lots of prayers, healing energy and positive thoughts your way.

    BTW...I don't have a blog roll but put a note on my post today directing people to your new url. ;)

    Hugs and Blessings...

    1. Cat, you keep making me cry. :) {{{HUGS}}} Thank you, and thank you for letting people know how to find me again. I think you are right, I might be over committed... had not thought though about getting my vitamin levels checked, especially since I take so many, but maybe it is something I need to look into. Thank you for everything, Cat, you are so very giving, and I have been blessed to be on the receiving end of your blessings over and over again. {{{HUGS}}}


Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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