If you got here today, sorry about the change in my url. :( I made a mistake and sent an email to my whole church from my google account, and when someone asked my why the new email, I knew I had to switch due to how many people there have google profiles. If you wouldn't mind letting people know, or updating your blogrolls, I am really sorry about the inconvenience. Thank you for finding me again. :)
And sorry for the sad post I wrote before hand to greet you all with... :( Here is the post I wrote before I found out about needing to change my blog.
This isn't really a DD post, so don't feel you have to read, and it's a bit depressing too, so don't feel you have to read that either.
Do you ever get the feeling that you don't belong?
I struggle with this, and even more so lately. All the sudden the Duke and I really are in a class all by ourselves amoung everyone we know. I have very little to talk about with anyone I know, and I feel so distant, and unconnected because of it.
At our church, there is only two couples that don't have kids, and multiple kids, there are more children right now than adults. The other couple married last year and want one more year before trying as they are going on a long vacation starting next month and want to be hormone and child free for it. So in that respect, we have nothing to talk about most weeks as mothers talk about potty training, and breast feeding, and pregnancy. I'm not allowed to join in, I'm not a mother, I don't know what I'm talking about. Forget the fact that I've been a nanny for 12 years of my life, that obviously amounts to nothing. I also can't talk about pregnancy because then the room goes quiet, or I get talked over because my pregnancy didn't really count, I mean, a child that lives only 2 hours, why should it....
And then there are my friends. One set, we applied for adoption before them, and were told we'd be in the next class, but now they're in that next class and we aren't, and I'm trying not to let that hurt, but it does, and so I have a hard time talking about it. Another friend is having a hard time too, but with our schedules, it seems like we really can't get together. Other friends are off buying houses and spending their money, and giving big gifts for Christmas. The Duke and I don't make that much money, our gifts, compared to those we receive, are going to be so small, not even 1/4 of the price for some, 1/10th for others. Then family, and they too only talk about kids and grandkids, and I really feel overwhelmed with children all around me all the sudden. I wanted to step back as co head of the Children's ministry at my church this month, after being involved since 2005, but when I went to do it, one of the other co head, there are three of us, said he'll be leaving. That makes me feel a bit trapped as well I guess...
And now, I almost made a DD slip the other day. In a room full of people! I am co head of several groups at my church. It was our Christmas party the other night that I had planned. Everyone seemed to have a good time... but for the first time, after a decade and a half of planning this thing, I felt disconnected, and just wanted the party to flow from game to game, and then be over with. I didn't connect with people, I didn't feel their joy, or their ability to have fun. I felt forced to perform.
I don't know if it's Christmas coming, and that always makes me sad, or if it's the fact that as soon as the party was over, I crashed, and I mean literally crashed. My heart palpatated so bad I couldn't sleep that night, I was freezing when the Duke said the room was fine, and I didn't not feel good at all. This went on for a few days combined with a major migraine, I think from the palpatations.
Now I'm starting to feel better. I had to miss work yesterday, first time since I started back, and I don't feel ready to join the world. I don't care what people think of me usually, but now I'm starting to really care. I just want to fit in... somewhere. I want to find people I can connect with. Being winter, and us living in different towns, it'll be even harder to see the one friend I really do get on with, and I find that makes me miss her even more.
Sorry this is a down post, I just felt I had to get my feelings out there. I really need to look around for a place to fit in... just right now, I don't have the time or energy. Hopefully with the new year coming, I'll be more able to.
Hope you are all well out there, and this week is being kind to you.