Monday, November 11, 2019

Man's Day Vs Woman's?

A Funny.

But.... first of all, wanted to let you all know that I took the advice of one of the comments here, plus some emails and two chats I had with people, and will leave this blog up.  I also have been given some good topics to discuss from someone, and when I have some time, will look at writing those up.

So, saw a little picture that showed emotions for a man's day, which was like two emotions, and a woman's day.  But, it was only a handful of emotions.  Today I felt alllllll over the place, experiencing every emotion at the speed of light, and thought.... we needed more emotions.  So... just... if you need a laugh today, I hope you enjoy this that I made up to replace the one I saw. ;)  It's the emoticons from my phone.

I'll post both. :)  This is NOT to diminish that men go through emotions too.  Just... they tend to be more steady with their emotions is what I was trying to portray. :)


And this one below is where I got the idea from.


Sunday, October 13, 2019

Closing Down. :)

Hello, everyone. :)  As things move on in our lives, I feel it is time to put this blog to bed.  I also have been quite sick and finding it very hard to keep up.  I am so thankful to everyone that has walked with us on this journey.  I will be taking it down in a couple of weeks, but didn't want to just disappear without saying goodbye.  I wish you all the best. :)

Monday, September 30, 2019

Thank you. :)

Hi, everyone.  Just wanted to let you know that the road is long, and hard, but that things are starting to look up again in our house. :)  Baby step by baby step.  Hoping to be doing posts about our dynamic again before Christmas.... this was the hardest we ever went through since starting DD.... hoping we've turned the corner.  Thank you to everyone who has been sending us love and support.  It really means a lot.

Monday, August 26, 2019

Candy Heart Butt Plugs

I have a bit of an obsession with butt plugs.... 4 sets of plugs plus several single ones that are not parts of sets have led me to this conclusion.... so I don't NEED another plug... or do I??? *giggles*

Not sure if anyone has seen these yet.  They are plugs with candy heart shaped grips!  You can find them on pinkcherry.com and pinkcherry.ca and looking up candy heart plugs. :)  I am telling myself not to buy one of each..... I am telling myself that.... lol  Which one is your favourite? :)  I am not a person who swears... so this might be shocking, bu the top middle is the one I want most. lol  Or spank me. :)






Monday, August 19, 2019

Fun BDSM Test

Sorry that I didn't reply to any of the comments last time.  I did read them all, and carried them in my heart, I just haven't known how to think or feel.  Sorry.  In the mean time, was introduced to this quiz.  It's kind of fun, if anyone wants to try it if you haven't already. :)  I posted my results below. :)

The funny thing is how high I ranked for slave, even though the Duke and I will never do M/s.  But, back in May, I was in a discussion that was led in a chat room about the differences between a submissive and a slave.  The submissives and the slaves in the room all agreed with their sides, but there were a handful of DD wives in there, and we really struggled.  We didn't fit either picture.  We fit both to a degree, but not one or the other.  It was a great comfort when we realized all the DD wives there felt the same.  So, I find it kind of interesting that I reached that on the test.  Not saying anyone is BDSM out there, but just a fun quiz if you have five minutes you want to kill. :)  If you do take it, I'd love to hear about your results. :)

https://bdsmtest.org


Wednesday, July 31, 2019

Hello

Summers don't seem to be good for us it seems.  You've been writing emails to me, or finding me on chats... you friends out there who wonder where I've gone to....

The Duke is struggling again, and I'm once again fighting for our marriage.  But this time I'm so tired.  And this time I don't know what to write.  DD and D/s have been off the table for over a month, and it's just hard.  I hope to be writing again someday soon... but we'll see.

But we are okay, I mean, this is hard, but other wise, we are okay.  I had a scare with a lump that thankfully turned out to be nothing.  Baby girl now knows more than I do, and doesn't think she has to listen to me at all. ;)  My mother turns 60 this coming week and I get to make a carrot cake from scratch unless plans change.  So life is still plugging along.  And this too shall pass.

Hopefully soon, I really will have something fun to write. :)

Tuesday, June 04, 2019

I Am Worthy

First of all, thank you for all the wonderful emails, and checking up on me.  I am okay.  A lot happened this month, and I just couldn't get on. I had four posts I wrote, but none got out in the month of May.  There was a major crisis and several other things going on, and I just couldn't concentrate to post, or visit.  I am terribly sorry.


I Am Worthy

Not words I could have said before, but, right now, I am starting to be able to say it.

I Am Worthy.

These should be simple words to say as a person, but I have struggled with self worth my whole life.  I was abused as a child, the words I heard was that I was hated, unwanted, that I'd ruined my mother's life.  It gets so much worse, and I will spare you the details.

I love the Duke, but he's never really given many compliments either.  They just aren't something he thinks on.  He thinks the world of me, and loves me very much, it just isn't something he thinks of.  The few I get, I've hung on to like a dehydrated man holding onto a newly found jug of water.

The chat room I told you about, about a month ago, and I'm so sorry to have been away so long, this room has been so wonderful for me.  They really love people there, just as they are, without trying to change them.  Well, me they're trying to change, on one thing.  My self esteem.  They wish I could see myself in a better light.  So, one Master took it upon himself to start that change.  He started telling me I was worthy.  Then last week I said to him that for that one moment, I could say it.  I wrote "I am worthy".  I thought it would only be a moment.  Just a blip.  But he asked me to say it again.  So I did.  He asked me to say it louder, so I did in capital letters.  He then asked me to shout it, so I added several explanation points after it. *giggles*

And then came the challenge.  "Go shout it in the main room."  I choked for a few seconds.  Being able to say it to him, and being able to say it in a room full of people, granted I've never met them, but still, were two totally different things.  But I did.  I went into that room and said

"I AM WORTHY!!!!!!!!"  

Let's just say, when a whole room knows you have self confidence issues, and you go in and do that... you get A LOT of compliments, and finallys, and thank goodness you see it now. *giggles*

Then, in that same room, that Master came out and told me he wanted me to make a sign to put up that I would see every morning when I wake up that said those words.  Because baby girl still has a lot of bad nights, and I often am in there, I made a sign for her room, and our room.  He also told me to go to a mirror 2-3 times a day, and say those words to myself while looking at myself.  This was at the beginning of last week, and let me tell you, it's working.  It's really working.  And it's also helping because the people that were in the room that day, if they see me on another time, they tell me again that I'm worthy. :)

This Master says every submissive has a wonderful gift to give in their submission, that they are strong, beautiful, worthy and so much more, and that he wishes every submissive could see this about themselves.  So, I'm submissive, and in that, I'm learning I am beautiful, smart, strong, worthy, and I'm told by many that I make the room smile and light it up... those are hard to say, but, I'm going to work on embracing them all.  I have decided to start a compliments journal.  A small book with compliments I get, so that when the lies of the past start to overwhelm me, I can pull it out and remind myself how others see me. :) 

The Duke is LOVING how my confidence is growing.  He and this Master talk, they are becoming friends too.  When I was told I was no longer allowed to say bad things about myself in the room, the Duke made it a HARD rule at home too.  Like I can't even say "I can't believe I was that stupid." or "I made a pathetic attempt to do (insert thing).  I am not allowed to use any sentence that talks about me and says the word stupid, pathetic, unworthy, or idiot, even if I'm not talking about myself.  I stand no chance at bad self esteem anymore if everyone has a say about it.  It kind of makes me feel really loved. *blush*

I am not an artist by hand, I love to do digital art, but to draw, hahaha.  That eye I did a few months ago was only because I followed a youtube video, all 30 plus minutes, bit by bit.  So, these aren't works of art.  Still, they're my saying, ready to go on the walls. :)  If you struggle like I have, I hope you can take this task I was given, and try it on yourself. :)  You are worthy too. :) :)

I got the ideas for the doodles by looking up bullet journal doodles. :)  As you can see, baby girl got a hold of the one for her room and wrinkled it a bit. hehehe



Monday, April 29, 2019

Some Knowledge Help, Please?

Hello.  I am still here. ;)  Haven't found a gang of gypsies to join and run away with just yet. ;)

If you've been reading my blog for years, you know this time of year is especially hard on my allergies, and I often get sick, so I decided to get a sinus and bronchitis together. ;)  You know me, I can't do anything half way. lol  But I am almost completely done the bronchitis and over half way over the sinus infection, and feeling sooo much better. :)

SOOOOOOOOOOOO.  After ignoring you all for a couple weeks, *hangs head*  really sorry about that, I have a favour to ask... and I know that is greedy.  But I need your help, opinions and knowledge, if you'd be willing to take a few minutes sometime this week?

On Sunday, May 5th, I am going to be hosting a chat on a BDSM chat site about DD.  I am almost done my chat outline, but I wondered if any of you guys would be willing to take a look over, and see if I'm missing out on any key information?  Or if you find something isn't true for you that I can add as a note that other couples see such and such a thing a different way?  I am going to share that just like each BDSM couple, each DD couple is different as well, and the dynamic can look very different between two couples.  I just really want to give an accurate portrayal while showing the beauty of DD.

If you would like to join this chat, it will be Sunday, May 5th with a topic time of 1pm EST and one at 8pm EST with the same notes.  It just allows people from different time zones to attend.  Just send me a comment here, or write me at esmayslife@gmail.com to let you know where. :)

I will warn you though, if you go, I'm a submissive in the room to the Duke, and answer to a few people the Duke has asked to watch over me if he's not in the room.  I don't show much of that on here, this is a DD blog, but I am finding I identify very much as a submissive.  We are still very much keeping our DD roots, we need them.  I need the structure and security DD provides.  And that is partly why the site wants me to do this chat.  To teach people in the BDSM world the treasures that can be found in DD if they think it would work alongside what they do. :)

I'd love to be able to share my notes with a few of you if you'd be open to it, to get feed back to better be able to share and teach this Sunday. :)

And I hope to have a post or two out this week now that my health is returning. :)


Saturday, April 13, 2019

Another Line That Helped My Marriage

If you remember, about a month ago I shared a line that helped save my marriage.  And thank you to everyone who commented, we felt very supported. :)

"Once Does Not Equal Always".  Is a line that perhaps did not save my marriage like the other, but it definitely helped change it, and any marriage I have shared this tip with, vanilla and DD, D/s marriages, people in person, and friends out in blogland.

So where did I get these absolutely wonderful words of wisdom that I will explain in a minute?  Well, from a slots game of course. :P  This one is called Rome & Egypt from Jackpot Party.  The woman, she looks sweet, submissive, calm, obedient, and to be honest, maybe just a bit nervous.  Ah, a place I've heard Doms and Hohs like their subs and tihs to be. ;) That girl looks like she's about to be spanked. ;)  Look how she's nervously clutching her stomach, and she may even be a little bit frustrated. ;) The man, he looks strong, in charge, determined and focused.  She IS his.  When their reels come up together, he looks like he's looking at her with pride, and a look of "you better behave".  And that fist, yeah, she's so getting spanked.  lol  I know, silly, really silly, but I loved it, and is what it reminded me of every single time. :)

They're slots, so sometimes you win big, and often you lose big, way bigger.  I played this game when I needed to relax, but not think.  When I'd win big, sometimes I'd raise my bet (not real money, just play money) hoping to win more, and lose all my winnings.  It annoyed me, and sometimes made me angry that I could win a million, and then proceed to loose a hundred million time after time, some nights it was not the relaxing tool I'd hoped.  I felt the game was rigged.  Way To Go, EsMay, of course the game was rigged.  Augh.  Once in a while I'd keep winning, but it was rare, usually it was the one win and I'd go broke trying to get another.  One day I told myself.  Stop. "Once does not equal always" and to not expect to keep winning just because I had once.

The Duke and I were in a very bad place before DD.  I was invisible.  We'd come home each night, eat in the living room doing different things, and the Duke would get on and play video games.  He'd come to bed a lot later than me, and then be too tired in the morning to communicate.

Then we started DD.  And the Duke really tried, but I still had so much hurt and anger to deal with.  There were times he'd do something he'd done in the past that would really hurt me all over again, like ignore me one night, not talk to me, do something he knew annoyed me.  My first words would be "Why!  Why does he always do this?"  But he didn't.  Not anymore.  His times of hurting me were getting less severe, happening a lot less often.  He REALLY was trying. And that is when I realized I had to start quoting the line I used in the game.  "Once does not equal always."  Just because one night he acted like his old self, didn't mean he did on the whole, or that he would continue to.

I could have let those moments that still hurt me, rule me.  I could have railed at him and tore him down and become a real horrible wife.  But that was my issue.  He was making progress.  I couldn't expect him to become a new man over night.  So, I decided to do the right thing.  To count those nights as off nights.  Not make a big deal about them.  Not make him feel that I was waiting to pounce on every single thing he did wrong.  He didn't need that.  He was in unchartered waters, learning to lead our marriage, something he never thought himself capable of.  If I'd given into the mentality that one bad night was all the time, and tore him down, I might have made it so that we never could have done DD, because he would have been a fearful mess.

So, this line came up a lot in my life for a while, when my first reaction was to ask why this or that always happened.  It usually didn't.  It's taught me to focus way more on the good than the bad. :)  Do I always succeed in that?  No, but I really do try, and most times succeed.  My marriage and life are way better because I focus on the good.

Have you found you've had to do the same in your marriages/relationships?  Now that I've shared the two lines that have helped my marriage, do you have a quote, or thought, that has gotten you through, or improved your marriages/relationships?  I'd love to hear them if you're willing to share. :)

The Duke's Deductions: 
Yes I still struggle with this at times. It's good to have some grace, to realize once isn't always. One thing marriage has taught me is that my natural instinct is to be alone, so it is still hard to fight against my natural instict, but I realize I have got to keep trying.. I love EsMay so much and am so thankful that she has shown this grace to me and has stayed with me all these years and been willing to fight for our marriage. She has grown so much as well, and I am so proud of her for that. 



Thursday, April 11, 2019

Thriving To Please

I had a compliment this week that I can't get out of my head.  It was from a Dominant that I have not known long, but who has taught me a lot in the time I've known him.  He said I was "A submissive whom thrives to please".  And it is so very true.  I did not ask him if I could share this compliment...

Now I know he meant it in more of a different way than I'll share here, and the compliment as he meant it touched my heart, but also, something inside me unfurled.  This lie I had let build up around me for many, many years.  I've been called a people pleaser my whole life, not in a good way.  Friends would try to rescue me, change my way of thinking.

Here's the thing, I like to help people.  Someone in grief?  I don't have the answers, but I can be there to cry on, so they're not alone.  I can come over and look after children, or help clean, or bring a few meals.  I can fight on their behalf when people around them try to rush their grief, or try to rob their right and need to go through it.

I have a friend who's having a hard time.  Twin babies while her husband is out of town, and older children as well.  Sure, it would be easier to stay at home, but I pack up baby girl a couple times every week to help her.  I can't sit at home, especially when I'm not working, and not offer her help.  That isn't who I am.  I can ease her load, give her a few hours to herself or to sleep, help with housework.  That's the person I want to be.  To make her world a bit easier, even if for only two days a week.  The Duke and my Dad know I help this friend because they give me drives since they both need their cars.  Two blogger friends also know because I tell them I'll be gone for the day and can't chat, but that's it.  But now, I know I don't have to hide it.  Don't get me wrong, I won't be sharing with people that I do, it's not their business, and I sometimes get nervous with compliments because so many people are insincere in my life, but it's nice to know I also don't have to worry that people will find out.

I love to help people with their marriages and their relationships and watch them flourish when they were struggling before.  I love coming along side someone who is crushed by life, and helping them see they can get back up again, etc.  I don't do this for me, but because I've learned I can come along side someone who is hurting, and offer them comfort, something I wanted so many times in my life, and didn't have.  If I can help keep one person from feeling that pit of despair like I did so many times, I want to do that for them.

Now, don't get me wrong, there is a line.  I really do not like being taken advantage of.  I flat out hate being forced to do something under threat from someone who should have no authority over me.  There are lines.  I can, and do say no... need to do it more with my parents... but I'm learning.

So, I'm a submissive, and I thrive on pleasing, and I really thrive on being able to please someone's spirit by helping.  I'm never, ever going to be able to be that person who sits to the side while someone needs help, not when I can help.  Sure, I can't always, I might not have the time, money, skills, ability to relate, but I will when I can.

Just something I'm thinking on today.  (The Duke usually checks my posts to approve them in the morning, so these ramblings are actually from yesterday, he'll post after he reads)  I might not be able to talk to this man much longer who gave me the compliment, but he's taught me a lot about myself.  He's helped me face truths that I've buried deep because I've been taught to be ashamed of them.  Things about me that are actually beautiful to have in a submissive personality.  He's been really nice to the Duke as well.  I'll miss learning from his wisdom, but I'll carry what he's taught us with me for life.

This isn't one of the posts I promised on learning about submission, just a post about me.  Those posts are almost ready though. :) :)  And there will be more after. :)

The Duke's Deductions:
This is one thing I really love about EsMay. She cares so much about other people. I love that she is willing to help her friend in a tough time. I am proud of EsMay for being so caring and so helpful, and I love her for it.

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Good Bye Old Insecurities

A book title caught my eye tonight while I was looking something up.  "What is it like to be married to me?"  and from what I understand, it's about questions we ask our spouses.  To be honest, I didn't stop to look it over.  This book would have really interested me 5 -7 years ago probably.  But it kind of made me chuckle tonight.  How different I am now.

Have you been there?  The questions?  The self doubt?  The needing reassurance?  I have, but I was finding it in all the wrong ways.  Having my questions answered helped me for a minute, but within days, sometimes hours, or less, I'd be back to feeling insecure.  Some of these might sound familiar to you.
- If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
- Do you think I'm as pretty as so and so?
- Do you think I'm sexy?
- Do you ever think about your ex?  And how they....?
- Why do you love me?
- Do you ever wish you could do it over again and choose someone else?
- Are you still glad you married me? (okay, sometimes I cheekily ask it now after I've made the Duke inordinately happy)

I don't know exactly when, or where, those stopped mattering, but I think it's because I started having real value in myself, even when my marriage was falling apart last year.  I'm important.  The world has tried to prove to me over and over, and heck, OVER again, that I'm not.  But I am.  I matter.  I can make a difference, even if it's only in a life or two of those I love.  I have value.  What I want, what I need, IT MATTERS.  No matter what anyone else says.  No matter that someone else may have needs that are more pressing than mine at the moment.  I don't need to pretend I'm someone I'm not.  I don't need to push my needs aside just because someone may try to tell me that they don't have value.

DD, D/s, they've given me the strength to find me.  To embrace me, and like me.  Fighting for our marriage last year taught me just how much power I actually have.  That I have influence, and I am capable.  I can effect change.  The Duke doesn't need to know why he loves me, he just has to know that he does.  I don't have to try to be better than any ex girlfriend, I'm happy, and I do all I can to make him happy.  If that isn't enough for him, that does not fall on me at that point, he has to take it from there.  (He has never compared me to an old girlfriend, it was my fear, in fact he told me he never thought about them unless I brought them up, that was a quick lesson)  Does he think I'm sexy?  Oh, ladies, in case you're wondering, confident women, who also can be submissive and say seriously mean "Yes, Sir" is pretty darn sexy to many men. ;)  I wish I'd realized that sooner, I might have worked harder at it. lol

So, do I not have any questions anymore?  Sure.  But they're different now.  They're not about having it proven to me yet again that I have value.
- What can I do for you today?
- How can I make things easier for you?
- Is there something you'd like me/us to try that we haven't before?
- You seem stressed, would giving me a spanking help you?
- I would love to do this certain thing, how do you feel about it?

Do you see the shift?  I didn't, not until I read the title to that book tonight.  I didn't see how IMMENSELY far I'd come.  Sure, crappy days happen, I will still have insecurities, I really, really hate disappointing people, especially those I look up to, but I'm growing.  In a direction I like.

Maybe the freedom in all of this isn't just that someone else is in control now.  Maybe part of the freedom is that I've finally found me, and to me, she's pretty great.

The Duke's Deductions:
I am glad EsMay has had this change in perspective. It's true that if you rely on other people to tell you that you are okay, well, other people are fickle. They have their own issues and insecurities, and may not always provide the encouragement you need. I know that I have low self esteem and put too much weight into my fears about what other people might be thinking about me. So, I am so glad for my wife that she is going through this and finding confidence from within.   

Tuesday, April 09, 2019

Researching

Hello.  I am still here. :)  I just am doing a lot of work on my book, almost finally finished... two months past when I wanted to be. :(  And, doing a lot of research on the different types of submission, what we as a couple can learn from it, and just where I/we best fit in it all. :)  I am learning a lot and making some amazing friends in the process.  I hope to have a meaningful post in a couple days. :)

Sunday, March 31, 2019

Questions Answered

Here are three questions we got, and the answers to them. :)

Roz: How did you and the Duke meet?
We met at church, actually.  He was going to a small church that they wanted to have a children's program for.   Instead of having two people out every week, they hired me to look after the kids, and only one church member had to help me each week.  Even though the Duke didn't have children, he started visiting the children's area more and more. ;)   I ran a group for Christian singles in our area.  One a month we did gym games night, one night a month we did a book study or board games night, and one night a month we went out to do something like bowling, bumper cars, mini golf, etc.  So I invited him to come to that.  We became friends, and out side of singles nights and church, we started chatting on MSN chat.  Then he showed up at my door one evening.  My door bell that NEVER worked, EVER, all the sudden rang.  And it was him at the door.  We were both so nervous to be alone, that we spent 4 hours talking about my cat, and the dog he grew up with.  4 hours, people.  4 hours.  I thought we'd never talk again.  It was sooooo embarrassingly painful.  But, the next time it was easier to talk about other things.  Yes, the poor man came back.  lol  18 months or so after meeting, we started dating. :)  When we started to get serious, I talked to two couples I knew, one where the woman is four years older like I am, and one where the woman was ten years older.  I wanted to know how that affected the relationship.  I also talked to my friends.  I'd dated and almost married another guy, only to find out everyone hated him.  EVERYONE.  I needed their feedback.  They all loved the Duke.  And I could tell they were sincere. :)  Not quite a year after we started dating, we were married. :)   And here we are now, 11 years married. :)

Roz: What is your favourite thing to do together (non sex/spanking related lol).
Sure, Roz, go ahead, take all the fun out of the question. :P  No spanking or sex.  :P  Hmmm, that is a good one.  I'm not sure what my favourite is.  Probably cuddling up to him so that we can watch a movie together.  I love when his arms are around me.  I love it.  But I also love going out with him to just sit and talk over a nice meal, which we don't get to do often.  I love hearing what he thinks and feels on things.  Oh, and we're recently studying some books together, we did this much earlier in our marriage, and I'm finding I'm really liking it. :) 

Ella: How do you and the Duke deal with one or the other of you being sick? It always seems to let us slip back into bad habits.
We have learned, the hard way, that letting the dynamic we live slip to the back can be very bad for us too.  The Duke used to think that because I wasn't feeling well, I shouldn't be held accountable, but then we'd see how I'd spiral out of control, feeling lost, and not sure what to do with myself.  I made this list, and even though we don't really look at it now, getting the ideas into our heads really helped.  Submission Exercises - When Sick. We still aren't as on with our dynamic when we're sick, it's just too tiring, and we have things that need our attention more.  Like, sleeping. lol  We do try to keep checking in with each other every few days, but by the time we're both better, we usually need a reset/reconnect spanking and talking session so that we're back on the same page quickly.  I hope it was okay to share the link with you, instead of printing it all back out here. :)  Sometimes the best thing the Duke can do for me, and for us in our dynamic, is to look at me, and tell me "I don't want you doing anything right now.  I want you to rest.  I'll even grab supper on the way home."  So then rest isn't just an option for when I've tired myself out, it's an order. :)  I don't have to worry about what's not getting done, I just have to worry about obeying. :)

Thank you guys for the questions, and to all my readers, please know, you can ask me/us questions any time you like. :)  Comments on here are easiest, but you can also write us as esmayslife @ gmail.com.  Hopefully I will know it's not spam, but just in case, please feel free to put the following in the subject line so I know for sure. :)
EsMay-A-Question?? ??

Friday, March 29, 2019

FIXED - A Place I Love To Share :)

If you read here earlier today, the link I provided wasn't working.  I let the owner know, and he has gotten it fixed.  It should work now. :)  I took down the post while I waited, and reposting now. :)

Hello. :)  I was going to put up my questions post today, but I only have three questions so far.  Either way, I'm going to answer them on the 31st, but I wanted to see first if there were any other questions people had for us.  About our life?  Our marriage?  Our dynamics?  Whatever. :)  If you want to ask anonymously, you can ask in the comments, or email at esmayslife@gmail.com and let me know if you want your name in the question or not. :)

It isn't like me to share a site with you all... but today I want to.  It's a special place to me. :)  I checked with the owner a few weeks ago to make sure it was alright to share, and to get some info. :)

The Duke is very protective of where I'm allowed to go outside of my blog.  The Duke has flat out not let me on a forum before, and is very careful to check with the one I'm allowed to go on.  I have been on this site for a few years now, and feel safe sharing it with you.  It doesn't get a lot of traffic, which we actually hope will grow again at some point as it used to be quite the hoping place. :)  But, there are tons and tons of topics that have been discussed over the years it has been running.  From long term DDers, to newbies, so much information has been shared.  I became a moderator on the site a year or so ago as well, so I can help keep people safe as well. :)  But this is a very tame site. :)  Very safe.

This site is very helpful if you want to talk to people.  They are so good about asking questions, about not making you feel judged, and they have so much knowledge.  And even though it is quite quiet right now, people will still answer. :)  For the first time ever, after some encouragement from members last week, I shared a blog post on it this week. :)

The site is run by Bob, he is very protective of the people on there, and someone the Duke knew for a few years because of a chat we go to.  That was a huge deciding factor for the Duke letting me go.  He knows Bob is safe, and protective.  So, if you're looking for a place to learn more about the lifestyle, if you want to read old threads where experienced DDers shared their knowledge, or have questions you want answered now, please feel free to visit.  I love how supportive and helpful the people are. :)

I talked to Bob a few weeks ago, to find out how to let you guys log in as guests if you wanted to so that you could take a look around.  I tell you below how to register. :)

The site is called CurleyBob and Friends.  And this is where you can find it. curleybobandfriends.com

User Name: Guest
Password: DD1234

You can use this guest login as long as you want.  There are many people who only lurk as guests for years.  It will not say who you are or where you are from if you are a guest.  It will only say at the bottom of the page that so many guests are on at one time, but never any information about them.  It is a great way to learn more about DD if you wish without having to put yourself out there if you're not ready. :)

You can't comment as a guest, but you can register to be able to comment.  Bob personally accepts new registrations, so it may take him one to two days to let you through.  If you do register, he asks that you provide three different names you might wish to go by, specifying which you want more, so that if one is already taken, he can take the second or third on your list. :)

I hope you get a chance to check it out if you like to read about the DD dynamic, or have questions you'd like to ask in a forum.  If you wish to see the most recent threads, anything that has been commented on in the past week shows up under the recent tab near the top of the page. :)  Right now there are only four topics, but I've seen a dozen or more going at a time as well. :)

And if you have more questions for question month, get them into me before the 31st, and I'd love to include them in my post. :) :) :)  Have a great weekend, everyone. :)

The Duke's Deductions:
Yes, I am very protective of where EsMay goes online.  I know there are a lot of dangerous places out there, and places where Dom's or HoH's think their role gives them an excuse to mistreat or verbally harass any women online. However, Curley Bob's site is a really great site and I totally feel comfortable letting EsMay post there. I recommend visiting it to anybody who wants to learn more about DD, or who needs help with DD. :)

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

A Spanking Fantasy Story - Because Amy Asked :)

Amy, over at Eric51Amy49, challenged us to write a post on a spanking that went how we dreamed it should go.  A fantasy.  I struggle with something I've shared on here before... I was punished for it just the other night, in fact.  It doesn't happen often, but then all the sudden I'll have a month or two where I struggle, and then it doesn't bother me again, sometimes for years, only to rear up again for a while.  He is how it plays out a bit, and also I added parts to what I dream about for a spanking.  :)

I mention a butt plug in this story, but I promise, nothing sexual happens. :)  Well, that may disappoint as well, depending on who is reading. ;)  lol

     “EsMay, get your butt over here, right now.”
     “Yes?”  Great, what had she done now?  She stood from their bed on shaky legs.  What was her husband so upset about?  She’d remembered her chores, she’d done all of the things he’d asked of her that morning, she’d even taken on two of his chores so that he’d have less to do when he got home.  Still, she forced her feet to cross the room to where the Duke had just locked the bedroom door behind him.  She clutched her hands together and bowed her head.  Maybe the submissive gesture would earn his favour.
     “Is that how you address me?”
     So much for getting on his good side.  “No, Sir,” she said, barely keeping her tone respectful.  There was still a chance this was not going to end in a spanking, and she would do whatever it took to keep that a possibility.
     “Good Girl.  Strip.”
     She held back a groan, barely.  With shaky hands, she stripped her t-shirt, shorts, and panties to the floor.  She then placed her hands behind her back and laced her fingers.  Long ago he’d taught her to not cover her body in front of him, and she knew better to even try, despite the nervous flutter in her stomach that begged her to do exactly that.
     “Very nice.  Head up.  Look at me.”
     He always demanded eye contact while she was naked, and basically any time she was near him.  He shared once that he knew it was hard on her, that her knew her vulnerability was overwhelming, and that is partly why he did it.
     “What were you doing just now?”
     “Reading.”  She’d had her kindle, while laying on the bed, what did he think she was doing?
     “Maybe you were doing a little bit more than that?  Were you in a hot scene?”
     “Um, maybe.”  How had he known that?
     “Were you grinding your hips and thighs after you’ve promised not to do that while reading anymore?”
     Crap.  Had she?  Sometimes it was so inherent, she didn’t even realize.  It was a rule now, because he wanted all of her pleasure.  She was in serious trouble.  “I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.”
     “Over the side of the bed, bottom in the air.”
     She obeyed, waiting as the locks on their toy box rattled, then the lid to the box creaked as it opened.  He shuffled for nearly a minute through the items, which meant he wasn’t just going to grab one of their implements on top.  He was looking for something else.
     Something wet squirted directly behind her and made her jump.  That sound could only mean one thing.  He was going to plug her.  Her body traitorously aroused and thrummed with longing.  It didn't understand that this wouldn't be for fun, and that the Duke would not use a plug that would be easy to take.
     Cold, lubricated, steel met her bottom.  She forced herself to relax.  He had trained her well, and as long as she relaxed and submitted, he would go slow, and she would be able to accept the plug without much pain.  If she fought it, it would feel like she was being ripped apart, and he wouldn’t back down, no matter how much she pleaded, because this helped her submit in a way nothing else did.
     "Good girl.  I know this is hard, that you don't want to be here, but I'm proud of you for accepting your plug for me.  Feel me stretch you open with it.  Feel it going deep.  Feel my ownership over you.  Submit, your body and your mind, to what you know you need.  Feel that need grow, let it consume you.  You need this.  You need for me to take control.  To punish you.  To set you on a good path.  To show you how to be my good little girl."
     The bottom of her heart dropped out, and she felt herself skidding into that safe place where she was all his.  Where her only want and need was to be his and please him.  Where she submitted, knowing she didn’t want to be there, getting ready for a horrible spanking, but that she needed to be.  To cleanse away the guilt, to put their relationship back on the right path, to feel in his dominance that he fully had her.
     The plug crested, and her bottom sucked it in.  It was enormous, her bottom burned where it had stretched unusually wide to accept her punishment.  She panted through the sharp pain that always followed accepting such a large object until it subsided.  The Duke understood this need for a moment, and she was always thankful he allowed it.  The reality of the punishment started to sink in.  The plug wouldn't be coming out until he removed it.  At its size, she couldn't even remove it herself if she tried, she just couldn't yank on it at the right angle.
     "Very good.”  The Duke was part sadist, she loved and hated that about him.  He had told her several times that he loved watching her go through the pain for him, accepting it until it settled simply because he willed it of her.  “You look so beautiful with that pink gem winking at me."
     She buried her face in her hands.  He might like looking at her naked behind, but she didn't  want to have to picture it.
     "Get up on the bed, arch your back, bottom as high as you can put it.  You know the position."
     She did.  She put her knees on the edge of the bed, arched her back as low as she could, placed her knees shoulder width apart, and curved her bottom up, offering it as a sacrifice for her naughty deeds.  She stretched her hands in front of her as far as they would go and clasped them together, she would not be allowed to reach back, no matter how hard the spanking got.  She would not be allowed to move even a sliver until the Duke told her she was done.  She used to be able to use a pillow to cover her screams, but she was expected to be quiet on her own now.  She could do it, it was just hard.
     “Ask me for your spanking.”
     What?  They’d never done that.  She’d read about it, it was hot in theory, but not sitting there while waiting for her bottom to be roasted.  He couldn’t be serious.
     “EsMay, ask me for your spanking, or I’ll start with the dowel, and not stop until you ask.  That won’t even be part of the punishment you’ve earned.”
     Freak, why had she encouraged him to look up dominance and study it on his own?  “I can’t.”
     “You can, because I wish it of you, and you choose to do what I wish.  Now, ask me.”
     She swallowed down her pride, tears burning at the corners of her eyes as she was forced to submit her mind even further.  “May I please have my spanking now?”
     “Good girl.  Of course you can, I will always give you what you need, especially when you ask me so nicely.”  Why did those words make her feel even more owned?
     He placed a hand on her bottom.  "Now, why are we here?"
     This is the part she hated, maybe most of all.  It was embarrassing, even with her husband of over a decade.  Admitting how bad she’d been.  How she’d disobeyed a rule.  How she struggled with something she hadn’t heard most women struggle with, so she felt even more like a failure.  And in front of the Duke, the man she wanted to please more than anything, she felt the weight of his disapproval.  She’d failed him too.
     Smack.  "EsMay, I'm waiting.  Why are we here?"
     She huffed out a sigh.  "I was pleasing myself without you here.  But I wasn't really paying attention!"
     The Duke started wailing on her bottom. Punishment spankings never deserved a warmup.  She hadn’t seen him pick up the carpet beater, but it surely wasn’t his hand he was using.  Why had she made the stupid thing?  Nylon coated steel, it was like being beaten with a cast iron skillet, not that she had an accurate comparison, but in her mind, the two were exactly alike.
     "And that's been a problem for you a number of times, hasn't it?  Not paying enough attention and getting yourself into trouble."
     "Yes," she squeaked out.
     "And tell me, why has that been a problem for you?"
     She absorbed the pain from several strokes before she could speak.  "Because, because I've orgasmed before without realizing how close I was."
     "Without me."
     "Yes."  She wanted to cover her face, but kept her hands in place.  An empty gnawing feeling clawed away inside of her.  She was better than this, he deserved better than this.  She wasn’t this weak person who couldn’t control herself, was she?  She had people who looked up to her, who came to her for advice on their marriages, on their lives, what would they think of her if they knew about this struggle?  She’d be humiliated if they found out.
     "Your orgasms belong to me.  I cause them, I tell you when to have them, I demand them from you at times, I decide how many, how often.  Me.  Not you.  If you cannot behave yourself, I'll cut off all your DD and BDSM books until you learn that all your pleasures come from me."
     Ten swats came down with much more force before he spoke again.  "Is that who you want to be, a wife who drives a wedge between her and her husband because she can't be bothered to wait until her husband is around?"
     "No!"  Five more swats rained down with such force, she knew she would carry bruises for a week.  The Duke was her world.  She didn’t want to do anything to drive a wedge between them.  She knew that intimacy was bonding for them, and every time she did this, even without thinking, she was robbing them of a chance to bond together.  If she ever forgot, she had her husband there, to painstakingly remind her.  Just as he was doing right then.
     "If this happens again, you will lose your kindle for a week."
     He would do it too.  That might even be worse than the spanking.  Her kindle was her friend.  A door to other worlds where she could escape how overwhelming her own world was, even for just a few moments a day.  She'd go crazy without it.  What was worse, he knew it, and that was why he’d threatened it.
     "How are you doing?"  The spanking stopped for a minute while he rubbed her heated bottom.
     He always did this.  Made her take part in how long her spanking would go on.  He never ended it until he decided, but he'd also make her say the words that would make it go longer.  This humbled her even more, needing to be honest, knowing it was only going to make things worse for her.  "I'm still frustrated, and still feel really guilty."
     "Let's fix that."
     He spanked for several minutes.  She wanted to pull her bottom back, to curl it under so that the strokes didn't hurt so much, so that he’d stop hitting her soft sit spot, and stop smacking the same places over and over again.  She had a wide bottom, there were several other targets available to him if he’d just adjust his focus.  She couldn't bare another stoke, her bottom was so tender and sore, burning with an intensity that even a douse of cold water could no longer fix, but he wouldn't stop.  Each stroke of the wicked carpet beater felt like he’d taken a baseball bat to her, trying to tear her apart, leaving a fire that licked at her skin each time.
     She wanted to fly off the bed, do anything to make the spanking end, but he always demanded she hold her position perfectly, and she would only earn an additional punishment if she moved even an inch.  That thought alone made her keep her bottom curled up, submitting her mind to the fact that she’d earned this.  She’d broken his trust, she deserved every tortuous stroke he decided she needed.  She’d failed, and this was how they made it right.
     "That's enough, it's enough, oh please."  She couldn’t take anymore.
     “What’s enough?”
     “The spanking.  Please, I can’t take any more, it’s too much.  Please.  I’m so sorry.”
     He spanked harder.  She hadn’t meant to say sorry, but it had slipped out.  She was sorry, so incredibly sorry, but whenever he heard those words, he spanked harder.  Tears welled up and choked at her throat, her nose burning as she tried to hold them back.  She should have kept quiet, the spanking was going to kill her.
     "I decide when it's enough, not you."
     When he was done, fifty, a hundred, a million blistering swats later, she'd lost count, he threw the carpet beater to the bed.  "Get up."
     She wanted to fly off the bed, making sure he couldn’t take another swat at her, but it took several seconds as she fought the ache in her back from having arched for so long.  She kept her gaze down, not able to handle seeing what might be written on his face.
     "Into the corner."  He placed his hand on the small of her back, and firmly guided her into position.
     He lectured her again, repeating all he'd said in the spanking.  He grabbed the loopy from their collection, and gave her dozens of swats as he reminded her what he expected of.
     When he was done, he ran his fingernails over the welts the loopy had created.  She hated this.  It tickled, burned and severely annoyed her nerve endings all at the same time.  No matter how hard she tried, she could not stay still.  He knew this, she’d told him many times, and he chuckled.  Several names for him flitted through her mind, but she was not in any position to say them out loud.  Her bottom was done, she was not up to learning any more lessons that day.
     He stepped back and left her at least five minutes to think and clear her head while he sat on the bed behind her, watching, waiting, making sure she obeyed.  It made her feel like a child, naughty, exposed, chastised, loved, special, and needy.  She didn’t feel little often, but this was often a time that did it.
     Corner time was what they'd learned she needed.  He loved her, and she needed this undisturbed time to process, or she might never get the time later.  Her body wasn't for her own pleasure.  Sometimes the need just grew in her, and it seemed impossible to wait until he was around.  But she was going to do better.  She was... she could do this… "I don't know how to fight it."
     "Fight what?"
     "Feeling so needy, so horny, when you're not here."
     "Well, then, we need to come up with some ideas to help you, don't we?"  He came up behind her and placed both hands on her bare shoulders.
     "I would like that, Sir."
     He was quiet for a moment.  Saving her from herself was something he took very seriously.  Sometimes it was the quiet moments like this where his love shone the brightest.  This moment where he worked out a plan to help her because she was that important to him.
     “If I worked a job where you could call me at any time, I'd say to call me.  Since you can't, I want you to write it down.  If you're too busy to go into detail, write down the word tempted and leave it on my side of the bed.  If you have time, I want you to write out what you’re feeling, type it out if it’s easier.  Tell me what you’re thinking, and how you want to be a good girl for me.
     “Then I want you to get busy.  Chores, playing with baby girl, working on your novel, anything to get you off the bed, and not reading, or playing scenes in your head that will make you even more needy.
     "Come here."
     She obeyed, turned around and placed her hand into the one he held out for her.
     "Kneel."
     Her heart settled, calm spread through her.  This is what she needed.  A reminder that he was with her, had her, was stronger than her, and fully capable of tackling the troubles she struggled with on her own.  She sank to her knees, completely naked at his feet while he stood over her fully clothed.  She was fully exposed, and she could trust him.  He placed a hand on her shoulder, and she gathered strength from it.  This was when he showed she was forgiven.  This was her favourite part.
     “Thank me for spanking you.”
     She had to ask for her spanking, and thank him for it as well?  Who was this man?
     “Spanking you like this, it’s not only hard on you, it’s hard on me.  It’d rather give you softer spankings, spankings to help you relieve stress, or help you feel my control.  I want you to thank me for doing what you need.”
     When he put it like that, she had no choice.  He could have let this slide, but it would have challenged his rule over her, it would chip away at the foundation they were so desperately still trying to build.
     “Thank you for spanking me, Sir.”
     He nodded his pleasure, then grabbed her chin and held it firmly, but not enough to cause pain.
     "Who do you belong to, Little Girl?" His eyes bore into hers.  This was a lesson he apparently wanted her to learn to the core of who she was.
     "You."  Her chest constricted with longing and need.  It bubbled up, and threatened to drag her under.
     "Who owns this body?"  He placed his hand against the side of her head, and pulled her forward until her opposite cheek rested against his thigh.
     "You do."
     "Exactly.  If I find you touching what is mine without my permission again, this spanking will have felt like I spanked you with a feather.  Do you understand me?"
     "Yes, Sir."  Oh goodness, he would spank harder?  She'd never live through it.
     "Good Girl."
     He pulled her up into his strong arms, and just held her there, his chin on the top of her head.  She was home.  After a moment, he wrapped one hand around the back of her neck, sending her into a submissive freefall.
     “You’re going to wear that plug for an hour.  Afterwards, you’re going to be my good little girl.  You’re going to obey me.  I’m not going to take your kindle this time, but you won’t read any DD or BDSM books for the rest of the day.  Give your head a chance to clear.  If you find you’re tempted when reading tomorrow, you’re done for the day tomorrow too.  Do you understand me?
     “Yes, Sir.”  She snuggled in.  His orders making her feel cherished, wanted, valued.
     They stayed like that for several minutes while he massaged her hot cheeks.  And all too soon it was time to rejoin the world outside their bedroom door.  But he’d still have her, he always had her.
     He helped her dress, and gave her bottom a pat right where the plug sat, as they left the room.  The stinker.  She tamed the smile.  Everyone would think they had just been intimate if she didn’t calm down.  But hadn’t they been?  She felt just as much his, just as close to him, just as bonded, even more so, than any time they’d been intimate.  She stopped, turned around, hugged her husband in the hallway, and whispered in his ear.
     “Thank you.”