Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Domestic Discipline Blessed Me AND Our Marriage

I have spent the week processing, and I'm sorry that I haven't written.  I know many felt attacked by the article that came out last week, which is now being reported by dozens of news sources.  I hate that we all have felt violated and threatened.  At the same time, I am so proud of the fact that a community that is wounded and some a bit frightened have rallied behind Jim and Christina so beautifully.  There is so much love here.  I am so thankful for this community.  I have been since I found you, and still am.

I won't lie, part of what kept me silent this week was the sudden rush in traffic on my site.  Like four thousand hits in a couple of days.  I thought that happened for everyone, but when I mentioned it to a few of you, you had no influx of visitors.  I couldn't figure out why.  So on Sunday I looked up my traffic reports.  A huge chunk of them came from the LDD site.  I just could not figure out why.  So I looked.  I had been linked in a post of theirs just before the articles came out... so I'm guessing that is how my numbers went so high.

I don't know why I didn't get bad comments, but after hearing what some got, I am thankful.  To those of you that received mean comments, I am so sorry.  You are so special, so loved.  You do not deserve their scorn or judgement.  We are all behind you.  We know the truth about you, and are sorry their lies and confusion was so blind and hateful. :(

I won't lie, it freaked me out that my numbers were going high, and others weren't.  But the next day I made a decision.  I don't care what they think.  I did, I really let it bother me this week, that article nonsense.  But not anymore.  I hope it's okay to share why. 

Before DD I cried myself to sleep so many times.  I felt so unloved.  The Duke never noticed anything I did, and never seemed to care about me.  Yes, he loved me, but he never showed it to me.  I was literally dying inside.  I was desperate, I started looking online on ways to save my marriage.  I just wanted the Duke to step up, take over some, relieve me of some of the burdens I was carrying.  Essentially, I wanted him to take his role of head of our house.  When looking up info on how to do this, I found Domestic Discipline. 

My heart started yearning.  Not only was there a lifestyle out there I could learn from that might help guide the Duke into stepping up, but it also was a lifestyle that would help us learn to take my control, and give him control.  Better yet, here was a lifestyle that also had ways to help me become a better person, help me learn boundaries as I'd never had any before, a lifestyle that would help me learn to control my temper, and best of all, a way to let go of guilt.  I carried around guilt so much, and having a temper that made me regret everything I would say and do did not help.

It took MONTHS to show the Duke I was serious about this.  He is shy, and passive, this took some talk. Domestic Discipline is not about punishments.  It's about helping those of us that need it finding a structure base to live in.  I needed to start having consequences.  I was self destructing with nothing to stop me.  I was getting unhealthy, I was getting depressed, I was getting a low self esteem, I was getting angry, I was not dealing with the grief of losing my son in a healthy way.  I wanted to lash out at the world.

This is what DD has done for me.

I now keep my house in order.  This has become a rule in my home.  For the Duke?  Not a chance.  He does not care one iota what the house looks like, and he never did.  Why then the rule?  Because clutter stresses me out.  Hearing people outside my door REALLY stressed me out that they may want to come in, and then they'd see the mess.  The Duke hates seeing me stressed.  He likes seeing me happy.  So the clean house is so that when I sit down, I can relax, and not be looking out of the corner of my eye at all that needs to be done, and stressing about not ever being able to catch up.  It now takes me 20 minutes twice a week to clean up my house.  That's it.

I now exercise and eat better.  Not to deprive me, and make me lose weight, but because I wasn't feeling well.  This one was the hardest to ask the Duke to enforce, he loves me the way I am, the size I am.  He does not believe I need to change.  I however do.  When he started to see that I was feeling better with this rule being enforced, it became a rule that would stay.  I no longer have as bad of headaches, I have more energy, I'm sick less days.

I now look at myself and can smile at myself.  One reason is that I have only had one blow up in months.  One.  And even then it wasn't bad.  Why?  Because the Duke knows when to cut me off now. He knows that line I cross where it's okay to share my opinion, and when I start to get angry and can't stop.  I still get to share my opinion, but he reminds me to calm down, take a breath, not to let the anger over rule me.  This has saved me from so much guilt.  I don't have to apologize to him for raking him over the coals, for swearing, stomping about the house, and I don't have to apologize to God for railing at Him as well, as that is where I would go once I was done with the Duke.  It is so great to not have to carry that burden around.

I can also look at myself and smile because the Duke does not allow me to self bash either.  I am no longer allowed to tell myself I am worthless, that I don't matter, that I'm ugly.  I am not allowed to have pity parties that lead to dark moods and depression.  If they threaten to come, the Duke is there, to love me, praise me, and show me how much he loves me.

EVERY single rule I have is for me.  It took me a while to see that.  But it's true.  Not one of those rules are a selfish one made by the Duke.  Even my bedtime rule is because if I don't get enough sleep, I am useless the next day with a major migraine, sometimes so bad all I can do is sit in the quiet, with tears running down my face.  He HATES to see me in pain.

DD is done out of love.  It's done out of respect.  Yes, sometimes I get spanked, but you know what?  If I get to the point I need a spanking, I also need to a good cry.  A spanking helps me cry, it helps me let go of all I'm holding on to.  It helps erase the guilt, it helps me know I've dealt with my mistake and can move on without having to worry about it anymore.  Spanking frees me.  You think I'm crazy?  I smile after EVERY spanking.  Not always right away, sometimes it can take ten minutes.  Never longer.  The Duke always pulls me to him right away and holds me and comforts me and lets me know how much he loves me, tells me to let it all out, and that he is there for me.  And then I smile.  Because all the garbage I was feeling is gone.  I cried it out.  No more baggage, I'm freed.  And I have my best friend there, supporting me.

I can't go back to how our life was before.  I can't.

Before, my husband never touched me, he never talked to me, he lived in his own little world.  We shared a bed, we shared a home, but that was it.

Now he LOVES to be with me.  He can't wait to talk to me each day.  We spend hours sometimes just talking.  He can't keep his hands off of me.  He's always wrapping his arms around me, holding my hand, putting his hand on my knee when I'm driving.  He asks more about what I think.  He checks in more to make sure I'm doing okay.  He asks more what he can do to make sure I'm doing okay.  He takes over more things when my daily headaches are harder to bear.  He's more ready and willing to help me with chores around the house and to run errands.  He steps in to protect me now.  He stands up when friends try to take up too much of his time now and tells them he needs more time with me.  We joke around way more, and tease each other.  We now do nightly devotions together and pray together more often.  I have not felt this loved, ever.  This is better than when we were dating.

I can't go back to how our life was before.  I can't.

DD is one of the best gifts God has brought to my marriage.  I am so happy now.  I feel freer than I have ever been.  I feel more loved.  I feel special.  I feel important.

Anyone that wishes to judge me can.  I've realized I just don't care. :)  I'm happy.  The Duke is happy.  That, I do care about.  That is what matters.  That article made me feel dirty.  But HOW can I feel dirty about something that has brought so much love, joy and peace?  Shame on the author for trying to destroy something so beautiful.  Shame on her.

To all you fellow DDers out there, whether you write blogs or just lurk, I am so proud to belong to this group of WONDERFUL people.  It is so rare to see love given so freely as it is here.  This community means so much to me.  Had you not been here, I would have never known.  I might still be crying myself to sleep every night, fighting for a way to survive.

I know some of you are taking your blogs down, some going private, and some taking theirs off of being able to be searched for.  I really feel that you are right in doing so.  Each person is different, and we all need different things, especially if you feel threatened at all.  Always listen to that voice if it tells you to pull back.  I thought about each of those for the Duke and I, and wondered which I/we should choose for us.  After some long thoughts, and as long as the Duke stays okay with it, I'm not changing anything for now.  I want to still be here for others to find who may need DD as much as I did.  That may change as our life changes, or if kids come into the picture, but for now, I feel peace about this decision.  I hope it is okay to ask those of you that go private to send me an invite. :)  I really still want to stay in contact because you have come to mean so much to me, and I have learned so much from you guys. :)  I love you guys. :)

Saturday, June 15, 2013

100th Post

Today is my 100th post.  I'm not sure I'm where I thought I would be at this point.  Life has been so hectic, and DD can be hard to keep in mind when this happens.  But I can honestly say after some thinking, that we have come quite far since we started.

I first of all am amazed at this community.  There have been times when life and my health have kept me from being the kind of friend I should be here, but you're always so kind, always waiting to welcome me back with open arms, and it means so much to me.  I'm still catching up on blogs from my last time needing to catch up on life, and have had so much fun getting to read what is going on in your lives again.  Sometimes I read during my breaks, so don't always get a chance to comment, but am still loving catching up. :)

I am also amazed at how much people care about each other here.  On the 19th, in just 4 days, it'll be 6 months since I started this blog.  I have over 18k views.  My old blog I had for over 3 1/2 years.  I had 12k views on it.  People kept asking me to keep that blog, but no one ever commented.  I could do 10-20 posts with only one comment among them.  The funny thing is, I keep this blog as much for you as for me, and yet I have so much wonderful feedback.  It really helps to have people who I can help, and people to help me.

I cannot be honest in my real life about the life I lead.  I want to be, I want to shout it to the roof tops!  I want to start being able to answer people when they tell me I look so happy right now, and so does the Duke, and what are we doing?  I want them all to know why I'm so happy, why our marriage is better than ever before.  But I can't.  I feel like the day is getting closer though when it will be more acceptable to admit our lifestyles.  I really do believe that before my death (if I live to an old age), DD/TTWD will be something that is so widely known we can be as open about it as we are about the fact that we are married.  That is my dream anyway.  LOL, might terrify some of you. :)  And that is okay.

I look at my life, how it has changed.  I have learned to let go on control, something I'd been praying for for years.  I have a husband that is stepping up and leading.  I so desperately crave for him to give instruction, for him to put his foot down, to call me on my crap.  I spiral out of control sometimes, but if he catches me, if he steps in, my world balances itself so much more quickly.  I have a rock to hold onto, one that keeps me from going further than I mean to go.

I look at my marriage.  Before we at times did intimacy just trying to get pregnant.  That is SOO not the case anymore. :)   Yes, I still want to get pregnant.  But that is never the thought going into it anymore.  We just can't keep our hands off each other some days. :)  I REALLY missed that.  Sometimes I feel like a newlywed again. :)

We talk so much more, and I really missed that.  The Duke comes to bed with me several nights a week again, and he hasn't done that in years, he tends to stay up a couple hours after me.  I am really liking that too. :)  He checks in more with me to see how I'm doing, and worries if I'm a bit off.  I don't like the worry, but I love the checking in. :)

So my 100th post isn't to share anything insightful, I don't have any pearls of wisdom.  But I do want to say this.  I really believe my marriage would have been dead if we had not found DD.  We were spiraling out of control.  I no longer felt loved, needed, nor wanted.  I was crying myself to sleep some nights.  The Duke could hear my complaints, but he never changed, thinking I wasn't really serious because I'd make a complaint and then leave it alone for months before bringing it back up.  I don't like to nag.  Now with all the talking, he can really see when something bothers me.  I don't have to feel like I'm unimportant because he doesn't ignore the things I ask.  I don't ask much, I really watch how much I ask of him.  So it is good that he sees that. :)  Because of how much this has helped me, it really is another reason I hope that the word on DD becomes more and more popular.  In the wrong hands it could be dangerous, but with education, I feel there are many marriages still that will benefit.  Not all, maybe not even half, but I'm guessing at least 1/10. :)  And this wonderful community will be there to greet them. :)

I just want to thank you all for your support, your love, and your care.  I feel so welcomed here.  6 months ago I was so scared to start that first post.  We were only about a month into DD.  I felt like an imposter.  No longer. :)

{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}  You guys are SOOOO GREAT!  Here is to 100 more posts that are better than the first. :)

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

LOVE This Free Ebook Title!!!

"Why Naked Women Look So Good: Understanding and Meeting a Woman's Deepest Needs"

So this is the title that came up for free on Amazon.com and .ca today, maybe more amazon sites.  I love the name!  Can't say it's any good, but hey, sounds it. :)  What women doesn't want to hear they look good naked????  :)

Another book free on amazon right now is
"Beyond Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Just Isn't Good Enough"  It's written by a couple that was on the brink of divorce after infidelity and how they found their way back, and with steps to help others.

Not sure either book is good, have not read them yet, but wanted to share in case anyone wanted to take a look. :)

Hope you're having a great week!  And I'm slowly catching up with you all again.  Thanks for being so loyal. :)

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Stress Relief Spankings, Need To Make A Note Of That

Spring Fling note at the bottom.

So, as you know from my last post, I was struggling on whether to ask the Duke to spank me or not.  I was going to ask for him, he seemed to have lost his spunk, and his joy.  So I asked him.  But it turns out that I needed the spanking more than he did.  It had been weeks since I'd been spanked, and I was being good, but I didn't realize that in the mean time I was getting my independence back, and with it, my stress levels.  I was having mini panic attacks I guess you would call them.  I'd be worrying, my heart would race, I'd have a hard time taking in deep breaths, and I'd get all tense.

Well, the Duke took me over his lap on Thursday night, and I found it nice to be there again, though a bit strange.  He started off with a warm up, and then used the pocket paddle from Blondie's.  (Can I just say that as much as I hate this little tool sometimes, it really is effective at getting me to submit, to break down, without ever any damage to my skin.  It is becoming my favourite implement quickly.)  It works so well that soon I was bawling.  I was a flat out broken down mess of tears, I could barely breathe, so many emotions were trying to release all at the same time.  The Duke pulled me up beside him on the bed and just held me as I cried it all out.  Work has been so stressful that I had no idea that the answer to my problems was so attainable.  It never crossed my mind to think about asking the Duke for a spanking for me.  I have no idea why.  We all talk about stress relief spankings, but when I needed one most, it never even entered into my head as a possibility.  I was even praying to be able to let the stress go, doing breathing exercises hoping to get the pounding of my heart to ease up and not hurt so much, and all I needed was a good old spanking.

The reset was wonderful.  I felt peace.  I felt the loss of control.  I felt myself let go.  I so needed that.  - So now to make a note of this somewhere so I don't forget next time! :)

And on Sunday, with his family still here, the Duke asked me to go lay down because I was so tired.  His dad, who is super passive too, chimed in literally as soon as the Duke stopped asking me to to say that I should go have a rest.  I was so surprised!  He's never done that before.  I think maybe his dad sees the difference in our marriage, and likes it.  :)  I hope so anyway. :)

The Duke told me yesterday that he loves his parents, but he also sees how hard his mother can be on his dad, especially over little things that wouldn't bother us at all.  He loves them, but he doesn't want to have their marriage either.  That hopefully will help him to keep wanting this lifestyle.  Sometimes I feel like he's still just playing at DD for my sake.  Sometimes he seems so sure, and at others, it seems like it's more for me.  I hope and pray there is a time where DD is something that just becomes who he is, it really is becoming just who I am.

So, I'll tell you quickly about my success this week for Spring Fling Challenge as well.  I've finished 9 weeks, so going into the last week.  As you know, I've been struggling with being able to lose size, and not weight.  So this week I tried something I have been researching about PCOS.  I wrestle with it, and apparently cutting out grains (not carbs) can help.  Well I cut out grains starting on Monday.  By Friday I lost 8 1/2 pounds in 4 days!  So on Saturday we visited my Grampy, and he had cake for me, and I gave in and had some.  Also had the Duke's family for the weekend, so we ate some grain on Sunday and yesterday.  I plan to go grain free again, but need a few days with how hard this week will be at work.

Monday, June 03, 2013

Life & FREE EBOOK by Gary Chapman

I don't know what happened with my challenge this week. :(  I gained a pound again.  I'm basically back where I started. :(  My only comfort is that my clothes are feeling looser.  I have started having a large smoothie for breakfast with fruits and vegetables.  I used to not eat breakfast, so this is a big step, or if I did, it was all carbs/grains.

I won't lie, this week I have done so much work around the house that I did not get much exercising done.  Probably only three days worth of exercising.  This past week was my birthday, and so I got a shelving unit to help me organize the guest room.  Even though I organized it before, one wall of the room was just piled neatly, but unorganized.  So I got a shelving unit for my birthday, and loved it so much, that when it helped me only organize half the stuff, I went and got another one. :)  It was for all the baby and kids stuff we have.  I love having kids in my home, so when families visit, I want to have some toys for them to play with.  So that took up one of those kids cube shelves, 3x3 cubes.

But then I still had all the baby stuff we'd accumulated in garbage bags that I don't want to give away in case I can get pregnant again.  So that is what the second shelf was for. :)  They took a couple hours each to put together, and then a couple hours to sort through everything the way I wanted.  I also found more stuff to give away.  Since I started a couple of months ago, I can't seem to stop working on the apartment. 

Pretty soon I'll have to stop giving stuff away or we won't have much left.  LOL  In all honesty, if I could reorganize two more shelving units in my home, and do another run through on the bedroom, and get to two shelves in my bathroom, I think my house would be perfect.  But I've said this a few times already, and then started over again with reorganizing and giving stuff away.  So who knows once I attack those if I'll still feel the same again.  lol.  The good thing though?  The Duke told me yesterday that the guest room/office now looks like a photo from a magazine!  *sigh*

On my birthday, the Duke and I had our first disagreement in a long time.  It was hard on me.  It was short, and it was something I felt was his fault, but I feel I could have handled it better myself as well.  It only lasted a minute or two, but having gone so long without words, it really bothered me that we'd breaken down like this.  We haven't had a spanking since we stopped maintenance.  But I'm wondering if we should bring one out for a night.  I'm not sure I feel I need one, but I'm wondering if he needs the role affirmation.  He's slipping back to being unsure of himself... so I think that in the next few nights I'm going to ask for one.  I want him to feel the authority I'm giving him.  And if that means I can't sit down for the next day or two, so be it.  We have family visiting for the next three weekends, so it might be good to get any stress and role affirmations dealt with before they come. 

Today there is a free book by the beloved author Dr. Gary Chapman.  He wrote the Five Love Languages Book.  It is free on Amazon.ca and Amazon.com for sure, and maybe other Amazon sites as well for your ereader.  If you don't have an ereader, and want to know how to get a free ereader program for your computer, just let me know.  That way you can still ready it from your computer, and then when you do have an ereader possibly in the future you can move it over.

Dr. Gary Chapman - Happy Ever After

I hope you enjoy.  I am once again behind in blogland.  I have not forgotten about you guys.  I just have been so busy, and work is crazy right now, and maybe I should stop organizing a bit and get on here more. :)  I promise, PROMISE to do so soon.  I have Friday off, so hoping to catch up on blogland if I haven't by then.  Until then, I hope to get a few blogs in a day. :)