Throw - The Spanking Miracle That Changed My Life

I wrote the post below back in March 2013.  I can say that I no longer have this kind of problem.  I still get angry from time to time, but now it is much more rare and much more tame, and no tantrums.  This seemed to be the post to pick because earlier this week the Duke said I had grown so much in handling my anger.  That once in a while I might get upset twice in a month, but it's more likely that I'll go a few months without any anger.  When I do, it's so little compared to what it was.  I now am quite quiet, I don't stomp about, no objects get broken, and I have nothing to go back and apologize for because I have kept myself in check.  I look back at who I was, and am so grateful for how far this dynamic has brought me.  I am so thankful for the Duke, and his patience as he helped me overcome such a toxic behaviour.  It was especially toxic to myself, but also very much so to the Duke, and our marriage.  We are in a much better place now because of it.

I would like to do a post 1-2 times a month that is a Throwback Thursday, showing something cool I learned that maybe can help people today, or showing how much we've changed.  Let me know if you hate it. :)  Even several posts in. :)  I'll put Throw in the post title like today so you will know a head of time. :)  Was going to put TT but might also do one or two Thursdays a month where I will write something I'm thankful for in our dynamic. :)

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The Miracle That Might Change My Life

https://submittingtobeled.blogspot.com/2013/03/the-miracle-that-might-change-my-life.html

You know, in all my processing in my blog last night, I TOTALLY forgot to tell you all the beautiful thing that DID happen in my maintenance story.

Usually when I am as upset as I was the other night during maintenance, I storm around the house.  I raise my voice, I slam cupboards.  Then I see my husband, and he becomes the target of my rage.  Why is he such and such a way.  Why can't he do this or that right.  Why is he still struggling with the same things he's been struggling with since we got married, and on and on go thet attacks.  There is often a screaming match with God in the midst of this as well, and when I mean that I tell Him off, I mean the F word, middle fingers stuck in the air, a full out rant. It gets bad.  But it gets worse.  I then start calling myself HORRIBLE names.  I've even yelled at myself in the mirror a few times telling myself just how worthless I am, pulling out all the old pet names my mother used to so cruely have for me.  This only happens a few times a year, and only since our son has it been so bad, but when it does happen, I'm uncontrollable.  I HATE this about myself.  I am so ashamed to even admit this, even my friends don't realize this about me.  I am so afraid you will all not want to talk to me again after knowing this.  But I feel I have to be honest... so that I can share how much I've already been helped.

I hear myself say to calm down, it doesn't work.  I tell myself I don't need to do this, but I do anyway.  I tell myself I can over come this, I can't.  Once the anger starts to build, no matter how much I fight it, it needs to run it's course, even if I succeed in holding off the anger, it still builds, and cannot be denied.  Not until I can cry can I begin to find a balance again, and this can take up to an hour, though usually not quite as long.  But you all know how much damage can be done in ten minutes of a temper tantrum.

But this time?  My husband spanked me, not even realizing how much I needed it.  I broke down.  I bawled.  He held me, I talked, and talked, and talked.  And you know what?  There was no anger.  No temper tantrums.  I had nothing I had to go back to my husband and ask forgiveness for.  I hadn't accused my husband of anything unfairly so that he started worrying he'd have to make changes he doesn't have to make.  I didn't have to go to God saying how sorry I am that I told Him off as well.  My scardy cat wasn't hiding under the bed.  All around, it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER!

So now we'll be looking at ways to see my triggers, my warning signs, and for him to just grab me and spank me.  I do admit, I'm more prone to these tantrums when I'm sick, hormonal, or too tired, and right now I just might be doing all three.

So even though I had to get him to cut the maintenance shorter than normal, what it did for me this time was amazing.  Sorry I forgot to share that yesterday, still was processing on making him stop.  But the maintenance itself was such an eye opener to my tantrums.  I have not had a real one since we started DD, or not that I can remember, and so this was the first time to see if DD would help.  YEAH, it did! :)

Snickers For Naughty Subs? ;) :)

LOOK AT THESE! :)  They now make Snickers bars to describe some of the moods that get me into trouble. :)

We got these today.  I see two benefits to them. :)  One, if I'm in one of these moods, the Duke should just hand me a chocolate bar and this will fix it... right? ;) :P  Second of all, I could just leave one out in plain sight so he can be forewarned of my mood, then he can avoid me and I will do nothing in his presence worth calling me out on. :)  In either case, I better buy a truck load. :P

I rarely get chocolate bars, have these been out a while and I just haven't seen them?  Or are they new?  I'm excited to see if they have more out there. :) :) :)

List For The Duke :)

I was spiraling out of control last night.  I needed alone time.  I had nothing left to give.  Not a dime.  I was empty.  I sat there, so tired I couldn't even form a coherent sentence.  The Duke came and asked me to stop cleaning.  I was agitated, giving and giving to people all the time without being fed into, and I didn't want to listen.  I was making our bed (daughter had been in it earlier).  He ordered me to stop... still, I kept putting the comforter into place.  He got into my space and ordered me to, so I sat down on the nearly made bed, and felt the tornado thrashing around inside.  I wanted to cry, to scream, to run away, I wanted to be anywhere but where people needed me for even just a few hours.

The Duke grabbed my chin, tried to lift it to look at him, and I couldn't.  He demanded I look at him.  I couldn't.  I literally couldn't.  I tried, I fought to obey, and yet I couldn't force my face up.  It wouldn't budge.  I just knew if I looked up, there would be a connection, and I was already too overwhelmed to form one.  It was a scary place to be in.

He was so good at stepping up a couple of weeks ago, and then all the sudden ignored me the past week.  I mean, he took our daughter one night for two hours so I could get things done around the house, but other than that, nothing to show me that I was more than a maid and cook.  I've been working hard at obeying the rules, doing special things for him, making a good environment for him to come home to, exhausting myself to do the things I know he likes... and I felt ignored.  It's amazing how when you're empty, having a great week can make you feel so full, and then, going back the week after makes you feel even more empty than you were before.

He asked what he could do to help.  Then started pulling at his hair in worry and frustration.  He always worries that I expect this huge big deal from him.  That to meet my needs he'll have to give up all his free time, and spend hours a day with me.  And I tell him just five minutes a day, and I'll be fine.  But it's the ignoring me for a week, or even a month or more at a time that I find really hard.  I have two parents, a child, and a job that exhaust me, I need one person in my corner that isn't only taking from me, but feeding into me as well.  I've told him several of the things in the list below before, but he has trouble remembering things that are said, so I decided having a list might be easier for him.  I checked with him, and he thought it would be okay to share it with you all.

We had a date today, we unexpectedly ended up with a day together.  It was sooo nice to be alone with him for almost two hours, and it really helped to get us back on track. :)

These don't all need to be done often, even a couple a day just to show he's thinking of me.

1. Do the week day 11pm check in about where we stand (even just 2 or 3 minutes)
2. Getting me to kneel
3. Hug me for at least ten seconds
4. Press me into a wall and kiss me for at least ten seconds
5. Nuzzle my ear or neck for a few seconds
6. Hold my hand
7. Hug from behind
8. Whisper something in my ear
9. Wink at me across the room (well try, the Duke can't actually wink) ;)
10. Swat my butt on the way by
11. Scratch my back
12. Sit with your arm around me
13. Buy a treat I like when you're out
14. Hold my chin and make me look at you
15. Promise me something naughty later
16. Stop everything and ask how my day was, and really listen
17. Remind me who I must obey, and what you expect of me.
18. Remind me who I belong to
19. Remind me that you're there when I'm completely overwhelmed
20. When I'm overwhelmed, don't ask if I want some time alone, demand it
21. Look deep into my eyes and tell me you love me
22. Tell me why you're proud of me
23. Tell me a reason you love me
24. Tell me why you find me sexy
25. Ask if I've been a good girl
26. Ask if I've followed my rules that day, or if I have anything to confess
27. Ask me a question that requires my attention to answer
28. Force me to stop what I'm doing to spend a few minutes with you
29. Write me a love letter, even a short one
30. Maintenance spanking (role affirmation, stress relief)
31. Pick a submission exercise for me to do
32. Offering to do a blog post with me
33. Tuck me in if telling me to go to bed early, or just because
34. Tell me not to make supper, that you're picking something up
35. Do a quick chore for me

He admitted these were very doable and wouldn't really take time for him to do.  :)  And he agreed I could share with you all. :)  Hopefully these help. :)

The Sims Get Their Spank On LOL

I haven't played a video game in FOREVER.  But yesterday while little one was laying down from day three of strep throat, I decided to pull up a Sims 2 while she watched TV beside me.

Forgot about this.  Quite sure I shared a similar picture before, but I learned to take a much better screen shot since then. :)

You can get a mod that lets you get a spanking bench and paddles, and spank your sim.  The funny thing is is that they can be clothed, in underwear, or naked, well, sims 2 naked which shows no details. lol  Man, you could have a lot of fun with this, you can simply paddle your sim just to paddle them, or teach them to be nice, neat, etc and those attributes will actually go up on your sim. Oh, the things you could train. :P  There is even real spanking noises, and even though the sims don't talk actual words, you hear the man lecturing firmly in gibberish, and the girl whimpering and eventually shouting.  LOL

I didn't really play the game, just got on for a minute to look around, and decided to do this so I could share a shot.  LOL

Sadly, I've grown a lot past games like this... *sigh*  lol  Maybe when I have more free time later in life I'll go back to them. Who knows. :)

And thank you everyone for your encouragement yesterday for doing toy reviews. :)

Sometimes It's So Hard Hiding It All

We had family over a couple weeks ago.  They didn't bring their air mattress like they usually do, and had only one small cot for several children.  So we gave them our mattress.  They didn't want to stay up in our room, so we took it down to wear everyone was staying in our wreck room.  I didn't think anything of it until the Duke and I pulled the mattress up to move it, and there were the straps for our under the bed kit.  I had to whip it towards me and then down to the floor behind the bed where no one could see from the doorway.  I keep forgetting to set it back up since then... but the Duke will probably want to use it soon, so I have to get on that.

We have always said that if anyone ever found it while staying in our room (with parents moved in, we now have no guest room and often give up our room for family), we would just tell them that it used to have hooks and we used it to hold the fitted sheets down. :P  I am not a person who lies, I avoid it like the plague, but we'd probably tell that lie about this.  Maybe.  Still not sure.

Yet, part of me just wants to yell it from the mountain top.  I like kink, and yes, we keep a restraint kit under our mattress, and I love it.  I love being tied to it, and having to take whatever it is the Duke decides he wants to give me.  And I am not ashamed of it, not one little bit. 

My hiding it has absolutely nothing to do with me, and everything to do with wanting to keep a safe environment for our daughter where people aren't saying mean things to her about her parents, and because we know not everyone would be okay hearing this about us.  Still, I feel we get closer and closer to a world where someday we can admit that, as easily as we admit we're having sex with our spouse.  Someday. :)  Though, by then, I'll probably be too old to be tied up to much of anything. ;) 

For now though, two close friends know we practice DD/light BDSM and D/s, and I have a feeling I'll be sharing with another friend before long.  At least in their cases, I can be a bit more free. :)

Quick question - realized we have quite a few "toys".  Do you think anyone would be interested in reviews if we did one or two a month from our own opinions?  Just an idea, and I wouldn't be offended at all if no one likes the idea. :)

Hope you all have a great weekend.  Esmay

A Meme - DD, D/s, BSDM Style. :)

A Lifestyle Meme

There may already be ones like this going around???  I have been so hit and miss, that if there was, I haven't seen it yet.  With the other Meme's going around... thought this might be fun to try.  Do not feel anyone has to try it. :)  Thought it might be fun though if anyone wanted to play along. :)  I hope to answer another of the Meme's sometime this weekend. :)

1. Who Brought DD, D/s, BDSM Up For Your Relationship?
I did.  I'd always wanted this type of relationship, even as a late teenager after reading about a man who'd spanked his wife to help her forgive herself for accidentally allowing one of their children to get hurt.  When I found DD, that it was actually a thing, with a name, I read for several months and then brought it to him.

2. Are You Naturally Submissive/Dominant?
Usually naturally submissive, though sometimes it is "a bit" stubborn. ;) :P  I'm definitely no angel.  lol

3. Are You A Spanko or a Spankno?
I joke I'm neither, :)   The Duke has a HEAVY hand, so I don't usually like spankings, but I see they do help me and that I need them in my life.  I joke with the Duke that I'm a spankso, spanked so I behave, so I'm good, so I know who's in charge, etc. lol

4. What Is Your Most Embarrassing Rule?
In front of the Duke, the naked kneeling, which I also love... weird.  In public, when he wants me to wear a thong.  I know no one knows, but still. lol

5. What Rule Is Hardest For You To Follow?
Keeping the house clean.  But it also helps me relax when it is... so it's a catch 22. :)

6. What Is Your Favorite Implement?  Least Favorite?
My Favourite is our pocket paddle from Blondie's, but since we can't use it anymore with a house full of people, I would have to say the dowel.  My least favorite is the loopy I made.  Why was I so stupid????  Ladies, never make your own implements as a gift for your hubby. lol

7. What Are Usual Go To Punishments?  Which Do You Hate Most?
Spankings, and occasionally loss off a privilege.  I don't fully hate spankings, but they're what I dread most, especially if it's a punishment one.

8. What Is The Most Embarrassing Thing To Happen To You In DD?
When we lived in an apartment, we lived on the ground floor.  The Duke and I were talking about my rule to wear thongs every day back then, and how it made me feel doing this for him.  All the sudden the Duke saw our landlord standing outside our VERY OPEN window listening.  I was soooo mad and embarrassed.

9. What Is One Of The Biggest Mistakes You Have Learned From?
Not to compare us to other couples who practice. 

10. Is There Anything You'd Like To Try That You Haven't Yet?
Hehehe, um... this is more BDSM, but a spreader bar.  *blush*

11. Do You Like Kink Along With Your Lifestyle?
Oh yeah.  We aren't big into BDSM, but we have an under the bed restraint kit, blind fold, leather hand cuffs.  And of course, spanking tools. :)  And a toy box full of toys from Pink Cherry.  Our newest one is the penguin, oh my goodness!  I might need to do a review on that one. :P

12. Does Anyone Know How You Live Your Lifestyle?
Two friends, and one of their exes.  I am debating telling a third sometime soon. :)  I like the freedom to just be myself with those who know. :)

13. What Is The Biggest Perk For You In Your Lifestyle?
Feeling wanted, sexy, loved.  Oh, and the AMAZING sex. :P  Definitely much better now. lol

14. What Is Your Favorite Thing For Your Partner To Call You?
Good girl. :)

15. If You Could Give Your Partner One Piece Of Encouragement, What Would It Be?
Thank you for how hard you work at this.  I hope you keep finding me worth it, and that I keep working on my submission to encourage your dominance.  Love you, Duke.

16.  Is There Anything Else You'd Like To Share?
Just thankful for this community.  We would not be where we are in our journey if it were not for all of you.  From introducing this to us, to encouraging me when I just had nothing left to give.  Thank you. :)

Thank you for anyone that read this far.  I hope an answer or two was fun or interesting for you. :)

Knelt, Lectured, SPANKED, and Forgiven

Last Sunday I earned a punishment spanking.  I'm too ashamed to admit what I did.  I did something that could seriously harm our marriage, and I did it without thinking.  I was dead tired, almost asleep, letting my thoughts drift, and wasn't thinking clearly.  Can I just say that I cannot wait until regular sleep is part of my life again. :)

So, I told the Duke.  He forgave me, right away.  I knew he would.  I also knew I still felt guilty, and then felt something in me shift when he looked at me and said "I still have to punish you."

I felt the weight, on me, in me, the guilt, the displeasure, the wait for the punishment.  In all honesty, I think having to wait added an element to the punishment that I needed.  When we lived alone, punishments would happen right away, but this time, it was good to have to reflect on things for a while, to have the punishment hanging over me, reminding me I didn't want to repeat my offense again and end up in the same spot.

Parents quiet, baby girl in bed, and I went into our room and we locked the door.

The Duke told me to strip.  It was our first night doing the naked kneeling.  It was humbling.  So very humbling.  I did as he asked, and knelt when he asked.  My head was bowed, I was so ashamed.  He grasped my chin in his hand, and pulled my face up, and he reminded me what I did wrong, and why we were there.

Have I mentioned the Duke is tall?  5' 11.75" to be exact.  I say 6 foot to save time, but since the Duke will be reading this, he'll want me to be exact. :P  So when I'm kneeling, I have to look WAAAAAYY up.  I mean, he might as well be a giraffe for all of my 5'3" frame.  So, that added to the humbleness and made me feel quite small, and quite submissive.

Then he sat on the bed, and had me crawl over his lap.  Did I ever show you the loopy I made out of clothesline?  I'm grabbing this picture from a previous post.  This guy, the implement on top.  He's mean.  He bites.  He bruises.  (okay, I sort of get proud over the bruises, shh)  And he was my bottom's companion for a good five to ten minutes, to be truthful, I wasn't timing.  You know how you read in romance DD novels that it seemed to go on forever, well, that is what happened. 

I tried to accept it... but it was hard, it felt too hard, I couldn't handle the pain, not just as in I didn't like it, but it was beyond my level, and then it happened, I called my safe word.  I hated myself for it.  I have only ever once needed to call it before, many years ago when we were first starting out.  But all the sudden I couldn't breathe.  I don't know if it was how I was over his lap, the acid reflux I've been suffering with this past year and a half, or what, I don't think it was panic, but still, I couldn't get air in and out.  We took a breath, about 20 seconds, and I could breathe again... he was so good to me, so patient.  He made sure I was okay before we started again, and off we went again.  This time I finished with no problems.  I still bucked about more than I meant to a few times, but I was able to settle more, to calm my legs, and my body and accept his power over me.  I had done something wrong, and it was up to me to accept the punishment due.

When it was over, I was so sore, I just lay there, letting the tears cleanse me, release the guilt, release the feeling of having messed up, and just accepting that I'd paid for my crime.  My bottom literally felt like it had been burned.  I hadn't been spanked like that since pre baby.  And it felt WONDERFUL.  I felt freed, beautiful, loveable.  He rubbed his hands over my welts, ran his fingernails over them, and then kept doing that when I kept jumping from the pain.  I think he wanted to draw out the lesson, without adding more strokes with the loopy.  That, or he just liked making me jump, which is kind of like him tooo.  lol  I felt so utterly his.  After I calmed, he pulled me into his arms, and the slate was clean.  We talked, and I felt so completely loved.  I felt worthy, worthy of his discipline, his love, and his time.

I hadn't been spanked in a while, and I guess the Duke liked it, because he gave me two spankings later in the week just because. :P  The Stinker. ;)  :)  :)  I don't want to earn another punishment spanking any time soon, but I think it was really good for us.  It helped get us into a new groove.  I felt so submissive for days afterwards.  That is starting to fade, I might have to admit my need for a spanking in a few days.  Now that we've started, I've seen how they help me, and several days since one, I feel myself going back to before, and I don't want to anymore.  I want to feel like I'm his, that I belong to him, that I have to submit.  I love that feeling. :)

The Duke's Deductions:

I let things slide a lot sometimes, and to me I could tell from the way she told me about what happened that she needed me to be firm for this one, so I told her I was going to punish her. Getting her to undress for me instead of taking the clothes off her myself actually seemed more controlling to me, because I was getting her to do what I told her.  I tried to use an implement that would not make a lot of noise because we weren't home alone. I love the power behind the wooden paddles but they make a loud slapping noise when they strike. I don't count the spanks when I spank. I try to watch her and decide from what I see when I think she has had enough. I am proud of EsMay for submitting and taking this punishment.

The Dom in Naked Kneeling

I wrote this last night, but waited for the Duke to write, and fell asleep before he finished. ;)

So, tonight was the second night we did naked kneeling.  The first night was on Sunday before my punishment, which I do promise to write about.  Hopefully on Friday. :)

So, today, the Duke walked into our room, he worked a late shift, and I had literally only sat down a minute before he got home.  I was tired.  I had got a jolt from unplugging our dryer today, and made a mistake and touched two of the prongs trying to get a better grip because it just wasn't coming from the electrical outlet.  My thumb and forefinger, as well as my arm to my shoulder, hurt most of the day after.  I was having a hard time with a migraine from the pressure change from a thunderstorm.  I decided to tackle some hotspots (areas that attract a LOT of clutter) in our home, and I got four done of the six I had aimed for.  Add to that I only got 3 hours of sleep, and I was very tired.

I have daily rules now.  A load of laundry a day.  15 minutes of cleaning besides what the kids mess up.  10k steps a day, etc.  There are 6 rules I believe.  I didn't get the 10k in, I only got 7k.  He came in and quite seriously told me to strip, and I started crying.  I was afraid I was going to get punished for being 3k away from my goal, and I told him I'd still do it, my lip quivering.  Still, all he said was for me to strip.  I did, tears falling from my eyes by this point because I was so tired and felt like I'd failed.

Once I was naked, he had me kneel, and my head naturally dropped forward. 
The Duke grabbed my chin and made me look at him.  "I love you."
I couldn't look, I had to look down.
"Look at me."  Another tug to my chin.  "I love you."
"I know."  My eyes dropped AGAIN.
Another tug to my chin.  "I'm not angry with you, I'm very proud of how much you did today."

I was so relieved.  The tears took a minute to stop, I had really been afraid of how upset he'd be.  He never gets upset, but he's never looked so in control before either.  We spent about ten minutes talking, he sat on the bed so I didn't have to look up so high.  He's 3/4 of a foot taller than me, so kneeling and looking up was doing a number on my neck.  I'm officially old. :P

Then I teased and asked why I was naked, and he was fully dressed.  And then he did something I don't think he's ever done before.  He went full on Dom.  His eyes literally darkened, his face hardened, he was intense, in control, and expected my obedience.  "Because, this is how we agreed things would be."

Insert very large gulp, along with trying not to laugh, because, let's be honest, I'd never seen this side of him and didn't even know he was capable of it.  So once I swallowed down the laugh, I lowered my head, and admitted he was right.

Um... apparently I was submissive in that moment in a way I never was before, because the next thing I knew, he ran, yes, RAN around the other side of the bed, and demanded I please him because my submission was turning him on so much.

Hmmmm.  Kind of nice to see such a grown man powerless against my charms.  (Insert giant laugh here.)  This naked kneeling thing may just be full of more surprises to come.  :)

I asked if the Duke would like to share on this post, and the next one I do about the punishment spanking I had on Sunday.  He said he would. :)

The Duke's Deductions:
Yes I thought we would try this as a submission exercise. We had already incorporated the nightly review where we could talk about what happened that day. I thought that had been a good step towards making DD a bigger part of our lives, to be more conscious of it, to make sure it was being practiced every day. But it seemed like it could go a step further, to better highlight the Dominance and Submission aspect of it, so it wasn't just something a typical vanilla couple might do each night. I had heard before of submissive wives kneeling while their husbands instructed them, or of waiting naked for their husbands and things like that. So I thought we could combine the kneeling and the nudity with the nightly talks we were already doing. I think it is a turn on to have her naked and in that submissive position, and I think it helps get her in the right frame of mind for answering my questions. It gets me in the right frame of mind for asking them. And the look she gave me, and the sound of her voice, when she thought she was going to get punished, but still did what I asked anyway, that made me feel dominant, like I wasn't just pretending but really had this relationship to her.

I Earned A Spanking

I'm waiting for a spanking I need, a punishment spanking... I haven't had one in a long, loooonngg time.  I asked him if I could just say I was sorry.  Not really wanting to get out of it, but for some reason just feeling like I should show him how sorry I was.  But then he almost reconsidered, and my breath caught.  I didn't want him to back down.

So, I wrote this up for him, and then realized, maybe could share.  I just gave him a basic list, but thought I'd list definitions with the post as well, and will show him that too.  Many of you may already know all these, but it was great for me to sit down and really think about them.  I am using sub for the follower in the relationship, but it's for sub, tih, etc, and will say Dom and it will mean Dom, HoH, Sir, etc.

These are just how we see things.  Every relationship is different, and some of these may not work for your sub, or for you as the Dom.

1. -- To show your sub that you mean what you say, or when trust is needed to be built.
   If you tell your sub a spanking is coming, you need to be willing to stick to your decision.  It actually feels pretty crummy as a sub to realize we talked our way out of one.  That we made you question yourself, that we undermined you.  Sometimes we can't help but try, sometimes it's to feel your resolve, and sometimes it's just fear talking, sometimes it's just hard to accept for a few minutes about what's to happen, and no real disrespect is meant.  I used to be better at this, I'm out of practice, but need to work on not questioning again.
2. -- To show your sub they can depend on you to give a spanking when needed, even when it’s hard to do so.
   We know a spanking it's always convenient.  There may be other things as a Dom you wish you could be doing, like relaxing, watching tv, sipping a beer, but knowing you will take care of needs and then go to your wants, really helps us feel special.  Also, maybe you're tired, giving a spanking when needed helps us feel valued and important.
3. -- To reassure your sub that you love them, that they can trust in you, and will always spank them to help them feel loved, secure, and safe in your love.  
   If you feel or suspect your sub needs a spanking, chances are, you're right.  When a sub starts to question their worth, if they're wanted, if they have value, that they are loved, that they belong, if they are weird, sometimes a spanking can help reaffirm that you love them, and you can use a lecture on all the reasons their doubts are unfounded.  
4. -- When you know your sub needs to feel your control, your strength, and your dominance.
   Sometimes your sub will just feel restless, out of control, fearful, in need or centering.  Sometimes they will just need to feel your strength, control, and dominance.  Sometimes they just need to know you're there to catch them, that you're safe, and strong, and can protect them.  A spanking can drive all this home for them.
5. -- When you know your sub needs to feel grounded, stress relief, emotion relief, and distraction.
   This is a bit like number four, but this is more about a subs own head space instead of outside influences. We subs, and anyone in truth. can be their own worst enemy.  We take on too much, we get exhausted, stressed, frazzled, and need rescuing from ourselves.  It means the world when we can be rescued from our inabilities and unrealistic expectations.
6. -- When a punishment is needed.
   Sometimes we can't forgive ourselves for something we have done, or sometimes we have done something wrong and just need punished.  A lecture, corner time, disappointment, may be enough, but sometimes we need to have the slate washed clean.  A spanking can help us feel like we've paid for our crime, help us release the hurt we're carrying, and that all is forgiven between sub and Dom.  (Amy mentioned the word guilt, and that is often what I call it with the Duke, I carry around such guilt, it just eats at me, a spanking frees me from that.  Thank you, Amy.)
7. -- A precursor to sexual activities.
   We haven't done a lot of good girl spankings, but boy, they can be fun.  I may have to bring the idea to the Duke, I keep meaning to. :)
8. -- Maintenance, reminders, and role affirmation.
   Being reminded of who we belong to, who we answer to, who is in charge, who makes the rules, who enforces them, can be very good for a submissive mindset.  Submissive exercises can help too, but there is nothing like a warm bottom as a reminder.  It can also be a great way to remind the Dom who is in charge, and who is leading and making the decisions.
9. -- When your sub refuses to believe or cannot accept their worth.
   Let's just face it.  The world loves to trample submission.  They see it as weakness, not a strength.  They treat it like garbage, not a gift.  And this isn't even just for subs, this is for everyone.  We all have people that tried to push us down, make us feel like garbage, and that we're not worth anything.  Sometimes we just need someone to come along, and remind us, firmly, that those are lies we are believing.  Sometimes we need to be lectured and questioned during a spanking to help us face and then admit the truth.

And it can be hard to know how far to take a spanking, does your sub just need a bit of a spanking?  Longer?  Do they need to go to tears?  Or just until they're uncomfortable?  That is all something each couple has to figure out on their own.  And what is in your head may not play out as you expect if you are new, that's okay, talk along the way, and afterwards as you're learning.  Heck, it can still be a good idea to, years in.

There are probably many other reasons for a spanking, but these are the ones that I shared with my husband, and then wrote out my explanations for you guys.  Hope it proved interesting for someone. :)

The Duke wanted to add one to the list. ;)

The Duke's Deductions :
10. -- When the Dom/HoH has a Hankering for some Spankering.

- The naked kneeling I wrote about yesterday, we were going to start tomorrow night and do every weeknight, if not every night... I think it will start tonight when the Duke gives me my spanking.  Eeek. 

Kneeling Naked??????

The Duke waited until I was almost a asleep last night, a house full of guests, and I was exhausted from being on my feet literally all day.  He sat with me as sleep crowded in, and just as it was about to claim me, he asked me if it would help my submission if I had to kneel in front of him, every night, naked.

In my sleepy haze, I almost didn't register the question.  I said okay, not really taking it in, and just agreeing to anything as long as I could finally drift off to dreamland.  Then I joked that that might be too much for him, and I think he joked that maybe I was right.  I was so gone by that point.

But this morning and afternoon I really thought about it, and realized that maybe this would be good for us.  He's all the sudden really stepping up his attention, and maybe this would be good for both of us.

I wrote him a letter, telling him yes, and how excited and nervous at the same time I am.  What will he ask of me when I'm kneeling there, helpless?  What lessons will he hope to teach?  What ways will he hope to guide me?  Will I be embarrassed at all?  Humbled?  Fall further into my submissive mindset?  Will he remind me of my rules?  Tell me I'm his good girl?  Remind me of the ways he owns me?

I don't have answers, but I do have an eagerness and am willing to try.  This could get interesting. :)

When I Asked Him To Reassure Me

I finally broke down and asked the Duke for something last night that I have never, ever, ever asked for before, at least as far as I can remember.

I looked at him, and told him I was feeling out of depth, overwhelmed... even feeling little like as I felt unequipped to deal.  Lies from my mother to my mother in law about me this past week, lies from my sister to me about stuff she believed about me that wasn't true this past weekend, on top of everything else crazy in our lives right now, and I just needed to crawl into myself and have a good cry.  But instead, I looked away, but stayed close to the Duke and admitted I needed reassurance.  I needed to know I was loved.  I needed to know I wasn't crazy for wanting this... DD, D/s, etc, whatever it is we are.  I needed to know I was worthy.  I needed to know he wanted me, just as I was.  I needed to know I was enough.

And I sat there, feeling pathetic, but the need consuming me.  I felt so utterly worthless.  And he pulled me to him and held me until I was ready to face the world again.  He told me he loved me, and that even though I'm not sure he addressed every fear, those were a lot to cover, lol, he addressed enough that I was no longer feeling insecure.  He put me to bed after that with some time of pleasing to help me relax, and saw me off to dreamland.

We don't get these moments often with a house full of people, and pre DD, I NEVER could have admitted how empty I felt, and how much I needed filling up.  I wasn't laughed at, I wasn't told to buck up and be a grown up, I wasn't told my insecurities were my own problems.  He took care of me, and I felt so special.

Love that man.