Wednesday, January 30, 2019

A Gut Wrenching Confession

So... since I've been confessing all sorts of things this past month... I might as well admit a secret that I shared a bit back when I started this blog, but not sure I've shared since...

This post is heavy, and a bit long, so ending it with a single paragraph funny story so you don't walk away totally depressed. :P

This won't sound DD at first, but I'll show you in the end how it helps me. 

I suffer from PMDD, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.  Oh boy, even typing it makes me cry... because right now I'm in the middle of it.  A friend shared on Facebook this month about her struggle, and it helped me sooo much, that I felt maybe, just maybe, if anyone else out there suffers, I can help you by making you feel less alone.  So, in case I can, here I step out of my safe little box, looking around frantically, waiting for attack, but finding you worth braving the outside world for.  Please know, this post is not to gather sympathy, please don't feel sorry for me.  We get through, and make it work. :)

If you don't know what PMDD is, it's like PMS on steroids.

Here is something horrible, the Duke knows I've struggled with it, but it wasn't until my friend admitted how bad hers was last week, that I could admit to the Duke how bad mine is.  Mostly because I couldn't find the words to explain it to him, and I didn't realize some of the things I struggle with during my cycle are related to the PMDD, and not just random things.  My friend shared a lot of info that was eye opening to me.

Here is the list of symptoms I found online today.  I put a * for ones I deal with, ** besides ones that I find really hard but can manage, and **** beside the ones that are quite severe and no matter what I do, I can't control them on my own.
*  Mood swings
****  Depression or feelings of hopelessness
****  Intense anger and conflict with other people (anger is usually quick, thank goodness, and I tend to hide away then so conflict is rare)
**  Tension, anxiety, and irritability
*  Decreased interest in usual activities
**  Difficulty concentrating
**  Fatigue
*  Change in appetite
**** Feeling out of control
**** Sleep problems (as in some nights I don't sleep at all, not a second)
**** Headaches
Joint or muscle pain
Hot flashes

So what does PMDD look like for me?  I don't get suicidal, though some do.  But, I have prayed very strongly that God take me from this earth at times, and over the stupidest things.  Like, tonight.  Earlier, my daughter wanted to buy a game on google play.  Okay, no biggie, I had a bad headache already, and I've only ever bought a google play game once, but I'm a capable woman, I can make an internet purchase.  Seven attempts later because the screen kept resetting half way through, my blood is boiling, I'm near tears, the tablet hates me.  It doesn't matter that it is an inanimate object, it hates me, and that feeling is very real in that moment.  I'm shaking, the anger boils over.  I keep trying, the Duke looks at me and tells me to calm down as I'm hitting the buttons harder and harder.  I try.  I'm breathing in and out, telling myself I can control this.  A dozen attempts and I want to snap the tablet in half.  Why won't it just work???  The screen turns in wavy colours as I fight to not actually break it to pieces.  I want to hit something.  I look at my innocent daughter, and my sweet husband who still has no idea what I'm feeling inside and tell myself to not let the beast go.  But it's smothering me.  I'm literally fighting for my breath at this point.  I finally get in to buy the game, but now it wants a different account and a different password, and it won't let me do it.  Attempt after failed attempt.  I finally have to get another device, and do work from there to be able to get my password to work where I'm trying to buy the game.  It makes me reset the password, and then won't take the password I always use because that is the last one I had... if it was, why wouldn't it take it?  Then I want to remove my payment option from google play afterwards so she can't buy games without my knowledge.  But I can't.  It keeps taking me to the wrong email account.  Again and again.  Finally I close all other emails and get into the right email account.  But then it tells me I have no payment information, and no buying history.  Of course it does because I just bought the game and used my card on it.  I pinched the device so hard I actually hurt my thumb as the screen again goes into a wave of colours from the pressure.  I look at the Duke, and my daughter again.  I'm dying inside, and I can't show them.  I can't let them see the beast, because it'll rip them apart.  I finally get it all sorted after several more attempts, needing to reset some internet stuff first.  This lasts all of five minutes.  Five little, seemingly insignificant minutes. The Duke had to tell me 2-3 times to calm down during it, but other than that, I look normal.

As I hand the device to my daughter, she is filled with glee.  The Duke looks at me, and smiles, and tells me how proud of me he is.  How calm I stayed.  How much better I was doing with reigning in my temper.  (it only comes out with PMDD)

And I broke down.  My elbows landed hard on the edges of the keyboard to my laptop, and my head fell into my palms, and I bawled.  I told him I was anything but calm.  I told him I felt totally out of control, and completely defeated by it all.  That even though it was stupid, even in my own ears, that at the moment I felt there was someone or something behind the tablet that hated me.  That it was trying to ruin my life.  I said that at that very moment I wanted God to take me, it was so overwhelming.  I felt nothing but despair and like that tablet had ruined my life.  Trust me, even while going through it, I could hear how pathetic those words were.  I could see how stupid I was being, but in that moment, those feelings were very real.  My friend described it perfectly.  It's like watching a movie, and you yell at the character who's about to do something ridiculous.  "Don't do it, that's stupid, get a grip!"  And it's like you're yelling all this at yourself, and watching in horror as you don't listen, as you act in a way you are telling yourself not to.  It's a very detached and overwhelming feeling.

DD has helped sooo much.  On my own, I can't stop any of this.  I have tried, tried until I was a bawling mess, and still, I felt so lost, out of control, the anger demanded release in very bad ways and wouldn't stop, even for days, until I let it out.  The Duke has learned my warning signs and steps in, and somehow he can make it so that I don't explode.  He gives me a sharp order "EsMay, I need you to calm down.  I mean it, calm down, right now."  The anger is still there, but somehow he gives me the strength to not let it let me say things I'll regret, or hurt myself by mistake by punching something I shouldn't.  And he'll get stern enough so that I cry, and that is when the anger breaks.  Thank goodness.  He makes me not feel alone in the sea of craziness and that helps so much.  He already knew, besides the anger, that I'm more insecure, I'm more easily hurt by people's words, and fears that usually don't plague me can be very big during this time, and normal situations can be scary.  So he wasn't totally in the dark.

It's been an hour now since the password fiasco, and I'm fine.  I'm me again.  This can last anywhere from an hour, to off and on for a few days.  But right now, I am calm.  The beast has passed, and all is right with my world again.  It might be the last time this time, but it can last off and on for up to 3 or 4 days.  The feeling lost and out of control, and not able to sleep, can be constant for those days as well.  I also suffer PCOS, as sucky as it can be, and how hard it made getting my son (it will be 8 years next week, can you believe it?) and my daughter, the good thing is that I only have a cycle 3-6 times a year usually.  I can be put on very strong medication to help, but because it happens only a few times a year, so like only 6-15 days a year I'm guessing, and I don't get suicidal, we have decided against it.  If I did take it, I'd have to be on the medication every single day, all year long, with side effects, and it just didn't seem worth it.

Normally I'm very calm, and gentle, but PMDD changes all that in a heart beat.  And after I shared everything I could think of with the Duke, and waited for the look of "My goodness, she really is crazy," he looked back at me with eyes full of love and pain, and thanked me for telling him.  I cried, so hard.  It's so emotionally exhausting to have these episodes.  I feel so lost, like the world is against me, and scared.  And to have him be there for me, to finally be able to voice it all in a way I felt he might understand...  I am so thankful my friend shared so that I could figure out how I could share.

So, I'm leaving this post feeling as vulnerable as I did in my last, but I really felt I should share.  I feel an amazing oneness with the Duke, I can finally give him a glimpse, he said he's so thankful for that.  I never thought he'd be thankful.  I am sorry if I lose anyone's respect, if I could change this, I would.  I am sorry if I lose any readers, I have loved sharing with you.  But, since I'm being so raw and open lately... well, this is another part of me.  I just wanted to share that you aren't alone if you too suffer.  Whether yours is less or more severe than mine, you aren't alone.

I think this is my last surprise for you all for a while. :) lol

Let's end this post on a funny note.  A chance for you to laugh at my expense. :P

If you read my last post, you know I shared a very personal moment with the Duke while he helped me with a health issue.  Well, imagine my surprise when the next day my Dad comes down the hall and tells me the toilet had a good cleaning out.  I looked at him, confused.  I asked what he meant.  He told me it had a couple enema's go down it.  I panicked.  People, I couldn't breathe.  How the freak had he found out!?!?!  The Duke did everything he could to protect my privacy while helping me with my health issue.  Thankfully my Dad took my silence as a reason to explain.  I guess with the Colitis my mother has, she has to have these little one or two cup enema packs on hand to use when she has flare ups.  He showed me the three boxes.  He said they'd expired and he'd emptied them into the toilet.  He laughed and went on his way to throw out the boxes.  It took me over half an hour not to feel like I was going to throw up, it had scared me that much.  And the day after I share with you guys about our weekend!  What are the odds?????  360 other days of the year he could have shared that with me and I wouldn't have thought a thing about it.  Augh.  And, I promise, I couldn't make this up, this really did happen.  I told the Duke when he got home.  He, of course, thought it was funny.  lol  And I do now.  I DID NOT then. lol

I hope you have a good night, or day for my friends on the other side. :)

18 comments:

  1. Hi EsMay,

    I'm so glad you shared your struggle with PMDD with us. I hadn't heard the term before and I definitely learned something. Gosh, it sounds so difficult to deal with and I'm sure your sharing will help others who suffer, and who may not even know.

    I'm so glad your friend shared and that you in turn were then able to share more with the Duke as to how this affects you personally. It's great that he now has a better understanding and is willing to help .

    Oh my, the enema story gave me a giggle. Timing!

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Thank you, Roz. In the middle of the night I had this slight panic of wondering if I should pull the post down or not. I was scared, and all the sudden the fear of judgement was huge... but I refused to let myself get on to do it because if it does help even just one person feel less alone, then it really is worth it because my friend sharing helped me feel so less alone, and that means so much to me.

      LOL Oih, that story. Augh. lol Thankfully I can laugh about it now. lol My dad has absolutely no idea the trauma he caused me! hahaha

      Hugs, EsMay

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  2. Hormones can be the devil at times and steal who you usually are. Maybe another sufferer will be comforted by your post. I wish I could tell you it will get better, but hitting menopause is another trying time.

    Hugs From Ella

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    1. Ella, hormones sure don't fight fair. :) I am not looking forward to menopause... augh. Maybe I'll hide away for a few years. :P lol
      Hugs, EsMay

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  3. Esmay,

    Thank you for the sharing! That is twice jow you have taught me new things. Please keep sharing!

    Hugs Boo

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    1. Thank you, Boo. :) Oh boy, if you're learning from me, you must be desperate for knowledge! :P KIDDING, KIDDING. I know you want me to believe in myself more. I'm trying. :)
      Hugs, EsMay

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  4. Hi EsMay, :) I'm sorry that you struggle with such a beast! I'm just happy that you have your loving fella to help you through it all. I had never heard of it, and learned something new as well. I hope that in future, there can be an easy way to help you and others, who suffer through that.

    OMG about your dad's words!! Glad that you are laughing now! WOW!! LOL! Feel good! Many hugs,

    ❤️Katie xoxo

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    1. Thank you, Katie. Having him know it all now really helped. I went to bed so different than normal, I felt like a different person. I think every wall is broken down now, it feels amazing. He is so good to me. And yes, glad I can laugh now at my dad's words. EEK! lol
      Hugs, EsMay

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  5. I am so sorry that you suffer from this condition. I had never heard of it before. I suffer from depression, DD has saved me and my marriage. I am so happy that this works with you and Duke. Love the dynamic.
    That is really funny what happened with your dad. I am sure it wasn't at the time. Thank you for being so open and vulnerable. I love this post.

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    1. Thank you, Blondie. That is one reason we started DD, I was depressed after our son, and it helped so much for us too. I don't have it now, I am sure it must be hard to live with all the time, and I am so glad that DD came in and helped save your marriage, and helped save you. {{{HUGS}}} I wonder if our husbands really understand how much they rescue us. :) And yes, it was funny with dad, augh. lol And you are welcome... I'm finding it really hard to be so open and vulnerable, but I really am feeling this push inside to do so. This was the hardest post, and I don't think there is anything so mind blowing to share now. LOL My blog will get boring again. :P hehe
      Hugs, EsMay

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  6. EsMay,
    I have heard and read about PMDD before, and I don't know if it makes you feel better or not, but I wasn't all that surprised to find out you have it. You have hinted at such symptoms in the past, so I wondered. But, good for you for sharing because there should be no stigma for illnesses. Hormones SUCK. I have someone in my life who was recently diagnosed with the PCOS and that is challenging at well. Who knows, maybe menopause will straighten it all out for you somehow! In the meantime, so glad your husband is there to keep you grounded, bring you back from almost falling over the edge, and for your own strength and willpower to be an overcomer with these challenging health issues. Hugs, Windy

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    1. Oh, Windy... does your friend want children? If so, I could keep her in prayer. It is sooo hard to find out if you want to have children. Our daughter is such a miracle, through and through.

      It's actually kind of comforting to hear that you thought I had PMDD. I did give hints... and I freaked out in my heart every time. It would be wonderful if menopause straightened it out. Pregnancy straightened out the PCOS symptoms, and except for the few days right after I got pregnant, I never had symptoms of PMDD, so hopefully menopause will be kind to me too. :) :) And yes, I am so glad I have him. I am much more mentally stable because of his role in my life since we've taken up DD. I know with mental issues there is so much people can't help with, but I'm so glad that for what I struggle with, the Duke is able to help with so much of it. I am so blessed.

      Hugs, EsMay

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  7. Oh Esmay - thank you so very much for sharing. I had never heard of this before -- but when you listed the symptoms - I could have swore you knew my daughter! It describes her to a tee -- she swings so very much and it's like clockwork, we can practically circle the struggle on a calendar. I can't say Thank you enough. I am definitely going to research this. (I live in the UK, so I don't know if that acronym is used here - so some terms don't translate so well -- but I'm definitely looking.)

    Again, thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing so much. You've literally poured out your heart this week. Strength and courage dancing together in every single post. I'm so glad you figured out what helps and you have Duke there to step up when he needs to. I often have trouble articulating as well - how something like dd, that would seem so detrimental to a fragile mindset can actually be the strength we need to pull us through.

    Hugs - lots of them and an appreciative heart. I'm off to do my own Googling,
    Shell

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    1. Hello, Shell. :) I prayed I'd help even one person by sharing, and this makes it all worth it. It can be so hard. I didn't know for so long this is what I suffer from, and because my cycles aren't regular, there was no pattern to it that I could find for a long time. The Duke would look at me afraid those first years of marriage, and that made me feel judged for not being able to control it, which, funny enough, made it ten times worse. He learned to help me, and it got much better. Parents moved in 2 1/2 years ago, and a handful of times I let it slip for them to see by mistake. Again, the looks, the judgement on faces, and once again, it was ten times harder to control because I started judging myself, even knowing this time what it was, and tried to make demands on myself that I wasn't capable of following through on by myself. If this ends up being what your daughter has, even if she can't get medical help, or chooses not to because of possible side effects, just knowing what is going on can be a big help. Having people understand and not demand we perform for those days like our normal selves, can relieve a lot of stress and make the episodes easier to deal with, and even shorter in duration. And not feeling so alone when everything is telling you the whole world hates you is so helpful, so healing. You are a wonderful mother to want to help your daughter this way. My mother judges me very harshly, and I am so glad your daughter will have your understanding. It will help her so much. :) :)

      And thank you for all your kind words. It was so hard sharing, but reading your words made it worth it, especially if it helps you, and your daughter. :) It is amazing how much DD can help us when we are in those fragile mindsets. I think part of it is because I don't have to get through being fragile alone. Getting through is not determined on my fickle strength alone. When I'm exhausted, and have nothing left to give to the fight to win, I've got the Duke fighting for me. It helps sooo much.

      Hugs, and very willing to help you look up information if you ever want, EsMay

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  8. I am so glad that your friend shared her experiences so you could feel safe to share yours. And I am also glad you have a loving husband to stand by you and support you through it all. Hugs to you

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    1. Hello, Terps. :) I am so glad she shared too. It's been several conversations with the Duke the last couple of days, but it's been so worth it. I didn't know someone could be there that much for me. It's created this new bond that is deeper than ever. He seems to look at me with more love in his eyes. *happy sigh* Love that. :)
      Hugs, EsMay

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  9. I know a few people that struggle with PMDD, I was actually surprised so many had never heard of it. I am in the US so maybe that is why I don't know. I can relate to PMS and menopause (damn hot flashes) and the no sleep lately. I know you are grateful Duke can help with your PMDD many are not as fortunate. I do not think you should apologize or be fearful of publishing your truth, thinking some might lose respect for you. I cannot imagine someone judging anyone that has well PMDD. If people lost respect for you, I would say that is their problem certainly not yours and I would hope they wouldn't follow, I mean who wants people like that in their lives. LOL I am sure it must be a struggle and exhausting to deal with.It is Wonderful Duke can help you get through those tough times.

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    1. Thank you, Ashley. :) Maybe being in the states helps. It probably helps if one person can share, and then another as well, I'm guessing anyway. I know that by not knowing anyone who had it, that I didn't feel I could share, and in real life, I still feel like I can't share because of family members who would judge harshly. My brother in particular thinks mental illness is all made up for attention. :( :( He would make my life miserable, he already is very harsh with my sister who has PTSD, no matter what we tell him.

      Yes, I am very thankful the Duke can help. Before the Duke, before we knew it was PMDD, it was horrible, and I know how much women still struggle if they don't have help. And thank you, I know it's the fear that someone is like my brother and will attack me that made me so worried about sharing. And you're right, if it was a choice, I wouldn't put up with that in my life... augh, the things we do for family. lol

      Hugs, EsMay

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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