The Thought That SAVED My Marriage

This is one of those hard to share posts, where I share secrets,,, but I believe we can all learn from each other and each others marriages, so in case this helps one other marriage... here we go.  DD saved our marriage.  It isn't true for every marriage, but it is for ours.  But a line I now quote to myself also saved us. :)  Here is how it came to be, and what it is. :)

Years ago, before DD, our marriage hit rock bottom.  Then we started DD, and our marriage was AMAZING.

But then it happened, the Duke slid back.  This past summer, I wanted my marriage to end.  If you read my blog last year, you might have noticed that through spring and summer, most of my posts did not deal with us at all, or were mostly of me in a dark place... I just didn't share how horribly bad it had gotten.  I couldn't, I was too hurt.  I shared a few rough starts to DD on here, but they'd last a day, and then nothing.  The Duke made no other attempts at our marriage.

It was bad.  I won't go into the details, it's hard on the Duke to rehash, and honestly, isn't fair to him either to bring it all back up.  He's changed, we don't need to keep going back, but he agreed, that for this post, it wouldn't make sense without sharing some of what happened.  He ignored me, and treated me like my only value was to cook and clean for him.  It was a long time of him not talking to me at all.  I was so neglected, I was so hurt.  He left every decision up to me.  I wanted to leave, I couldn't, we have agreed to never divorce, and I could never bring myself to do it.  I could never walk away.  But one night in early September, it looked like the Duke might have betrayed me, not cheating, but that he'd stabbed me in the back.  Thankfully he hadn't.  But during it, I had to fight to stay until he could come home and clear things up.  I had no way of contacting him that day, and we were just in such a bad place already.  I looked at my daughter, my beautiful, at the time three year old, sweet little girl, and I couldn't do that to her.  Take her from her Daddy.  She'd have been devastated.  But, we couldn't keep living the way we did in our marriage, that was not a healthy example for her either.  And I wanted her to see more strength in me than just being a doormat.

So, I had to do something.  But, let's face it, sometimes when we're the only ones fighting for our marriages we're just exhausted from trying.  We have given past what we can, we have nothing left.

I had to stop holding resentment.  I had to stop having a victim mentality in my marriage. 

I learned something during last summer.  Another blogger helped me a lot to be honest.  I was done with my marriage, and she convinced me to keep trying, to not give up.  Over and over again she encouraged me for months.  But I'd already given all I could.  The Duke didn't deserve me to give more, right???  It made me so mad to think that my marriage was dead, and it was still my responsibility to fix it when he felt fully loved and contented and I was the one who was so hurt and miserable. 

But what it all taught me was this. I can always fight more for my marriage than I think I can, even if I think there is absolutely nothing left.  I can always give more to get to that goal I want for us and our marriage.  When I think I've given all I can, that I am completely depleted, I still have more hidden somewhere, even if I begrudgingly and almost hatefully gave it at first.

So, I took on a new motto.  I didn't mean to, but in the midst of it all, this started to emerge, and I said it often.

What do I REALLY WANT for my marriage?
Now, what do I HAVE TO DO to get it?

Taking on that line changed me.  It gave me energy when I had none.  It silenced me when I wanted to tell my husband off.  It helped me praise him when all I wanted to do was tear him down.  It helped me work harder when I just wanted to quit.  It made me swallow my pride when I felt I was too good to lower myself to do things I felt he should be doing to fix us.  It helped understand instead of just lay blame.

At times I had to apologize when I didn't want to, especially when I felt his side of things was way more to blame.  I had to work harder when I was exhausted.  I had to admit when I was failing, even if it was embarrassing.  I had to admit where I was enabling his bad treatment of me.  I had to do so many uncomfortable things, things I hated, but knew our marriage would not survive if I did not.  Did I want a better marriage?  Because if I did, I had to suck it up at times, and do what needed to be done to get us to where I wanted us to be.

I wanted love.  I wanted our marriage to work, for us to be happy, for us to thrive.  I wanted DD, D/s, BDSM, because our marriage works better with it.  So everything I did was with all these goals in mind.

And what happened?  The marriage you've been reading about since fall.  The marriage, where for the first time ever, my husband fights for us as much as I do.  The marriage that the second the Duke notices space between us, he now steps in to fix before I even get a chance.  We make decisions together, check in on each other, fulfill each others needs, and each others fantasies.  He is happiest leading, and I'm happiest following.  I'm happy.  I'm fulfilled.  I do not ever go to bed crying anymore like I did before all this.

I have all I ever dreamed of, and more.  I'm spanked, cuddled, held accountable and bossed at times.  I have rules.  I'm cared for.  I matter.  I am fully loved.  The Duke seeks me out to be intimate, he never did in our marriage before.  He can't keep his hands off me now.  I kneel naked at times.  I'm lectured.  I'm plugged.  Lately I'm even cleaned out because he's worried about a health issue I'm having.  I'm tied up.  Sex is amazing.  I'm told to obey.  I'm told to submit.  AND I LOVE IT, every freaking minute. :) 

It did not happen over night.  It didn't happen in a month.  But I just kept asking myself what I wanted for my marriage, and then asked my self what I had to do to get us there.  It wasn't going to fix itself.  Someone had to fight for it.  I had to be that someone.  So now, every choice, I'm very aware of the future, and where I want us to go.

Made these little guys by mistake one day by playing with making swirls on my computer.  Loved them when I realized they made a couple. :)

So... just a line that has completely changed how I look at my marriage.  It doesn't just happen.  In our dynamic I have given up control in many, many areas.  But in this, I have control.  I have control over whether my marriage is working.  So does the Duke, and for the first time, he's taking ownership and fighting for us too.  We can let our marriage run its own course, but that is never good.  Or we can grab it by the horns, reign it in, and tell it what path to take. 

And I still have that blogger, and now also a commenter who has become a great friend, to keep me in line if I'm not doing my best. :)  They don't let me get away with anything! :P  I never had people I was accountable outside my marriage, it really does help.

Not sure it will help anyone out there or not, but it's what has helped us.  Sometime soon we'll share another post with a second line that has helped me in our marriage.  Not as much as this one did, but still, helped a lot. :)

The Duke's Deductions:  Esmay's always fought for our marriage, and I'm glad this time she didn't give up.  She seems much happier now, and I'm glad we've moved forward, and that we moved past that period.  I am thankful she didn't give up, and that she found a solution for us.  I feel more confident with our marriage.  I want to do whatever I can to keep Esmay.  I want to take better care of her.  I can't imagine losing her.  I don't know what I would do if I did, that just sounds scary to me.  I'm just really happy that we realized how important our marriage is.  I love Esmay.