Because I Choose To

The idea for today's post was helped by a book, Conquer Me by Kacie Cunningham.  We got this book three years ago, and for that time, it's sat in our collection of toys and implements.  I read the first couple chapters, but it didn't resonate with me.  It was talked about in chat a couple of weeks ago, and we decided to bring it back out.  Well, I should have read further, because chapter 4 and on spoke to my heart, reached out and grabbed me and isn't letting go.  I'm about to start chapter nine, and let me tell you, I LOVE THIS BOOK!!!

In chapter 4, she talks about a thought I have thought a lot on, but reading it in her book, really brought the thought sharper into focus for me.

A unwilling submissive asks "Do I have to?"
Her dominant answers "No. You choose to."

And my heart flips in my chest, and yearning bubbles to the surface.  I almost can't breathe, that need, it's overwhelming and smoothers me.  YES.  Yes, a million times over, again and again.  YES.

I may not want to do something the Duke asks or demands of me, but I choose to.  I am rarely punished, so let's use that as the example.  Do I want to lay across the bed, making sure my butt is stuck as high in the air as possible, making it an easy target for punishment when he tells me to?  To stay in complete position no matter how much it hurts and how longs it goes because he says I will not move?  To know I'm not allowed to control any part of my punishment, nor beg him to go easier?  To face how much I've failed in something that was expected of me?  Do I want all this?  NO.  Do I have to submit to all this?  No.  My submission is a gift, it is not forced.  I could choose to say no.  But then I'd undo everything.  I'd lose everything.  It's not worth what I would sacrifice, in me, in him, in us.

So, I choose to say yes.  Again and again.  Every time.

I choose to give my submission to the Duke.  I choose to let him decide what he needs from us.  What he specifically needs from me.  I choose to let him tell me what to do, to demand what he wishes from me.  I choose this dynamic, and I choose this control he has over me.  I choose to, because I choose to give the Duke the power to make me do whatever he wants to, in this instance and every other.  I choose to submit, to bend my will to his, to obey even when it's difficult, to accept punishment even when it's going to really hurt.  I choose it all, because I choose him, in this role, over me.

I literally feel that in a dominant saying "You choose to" in this dynamic, he is essentially saying "You choose to because I choose you to, and you choose to obey me.  When you chose to obey me, you chose to want to do the things I want you to do, because you have decided that in obeying me, that what I find important, you will find important.  I want you to do this, and since you want to please me, since you want to obey me, you want to do this too."  That is what I hear in my head when I have the choice.  And FRIG, if that isn't HOT!  And frig, if it doesn't send the submissive side of me into a complete puddle. 

Now that the Duke knows this, now that I've seen the smirk when I shared it with him last night, something tells me I might just have those words said to me at some point. lol  Is it wrong that I want him to call out this side of me?  To demand that I remember my choice in it all?  To feed that feeling of almost helpless vulnerability as I offer myself up to him?  This is what I want, no matter how hard it is to do.  It's what I crave down to my core.

I may not always want to do what the Duke asks/demands of me.  But yet, I do, because obeying him, making him proud of me, submitting me to him, that's my happy place.  And I will want and do anything to be in that place.

I didn't highlight much in the first three chapters, but then in chapters 4 and on, this happened! :)  I underlined what I liked, and I completely highlighted what resonated in my soul.  There are already a few other things I've read so far that I want to blog about.  So you will be seeing this book in a few posts.  I purposefully blurred the photos so that people can't read what is written because I thought that wasn't fair to the author.  But if you want a copy, paperback or ebook, you can get them here and other places.  I highly suggest getting the paperback and highlighting it like I am, and then getting your other half to read it, and talk each chapter over.  This book was written for female submissives, because she is one, and that is her point of view.

Conquer Me - Kacie Cunningham
On Amazon.ca
On Amazon.com

The Duke's Deductions:
First off, I think this is a really great book. I am glad Esmay found a book that resonates with her, and that she can relate to. Sometimes in this life you can feel alone, and if you aren't in agreement with the people you talk to it can really feel lonely, so I am glad Esmay found something she really relates to. This is a really great chapter. Submissives aren't being forced against their will to do things. They want to obey their Dom. It may be something that she doesn't want to do, but the feeling she will get knowing she is obeying will outweigh that. The idea of a submissive doing something she doesn't want to do, because she wants to obey her Dom is a really hot idea.  It is a good reminder for me as well that sometimes I just need to give Esmay orders or instructions, not for my sake, but for hers. Which in the long run is better for me as well if it leads to her being more submissive and our relationship being strengthened.

Guess I'm not the only one who found this idea hot. :P  Good to know. :)

Going to do our post on or around March 28th, so if you have any more questions for us, we'd love to hear them.  About our dynamic, our marriage, our lives, what have you.  It can be just for me, for the Duke, or for both of us. :)  We have a few questions already, and thank you for those that already sent some in. :)  We'd love more if you have any questions for us, though we hope you always feel free to ask questions, even when we don't offer. :)