Sunday, February 03, 2013

Getting Caught Up

So I'm still exhausted.  I think it's time to break down and book a doctor's appointment.  It isn't like me to be so tired all the time.  I'm literally so tired lately my head hurts from exhaustion, my eyes are gritty for half of the day, and I literally can't function.  My body crashed last week, and I can already feel it trying to do so again. 

So combine that with the fact that I'm missing my son like craz, and my normally calm behaviour is on hiatus!  Friday night I was frazzled.  I had just met my daily quota of 10% sales, and really did not feel like I had done a good job because of it because I feel I should do more than just meet the quota.  I was super stressed.  I also was stressed because I was thinking about having to speak last night at a counseling banquet about the loss of our son, probably why I miss him so much right now.  It was also ten at night when I got done, so I was super duper tired.  And then when driving home, I was going the speed limit, and then a car passed me and the car behind me, and as they passed, I turned my brights off so that they would be able to see and I wouldn't blind them.  And still the guy in the passanger seat stuck his arm out the window and for a half a minute or more stuck his middle finger out at me.  That really shook me up and then it made me mad, and right out ticked me off... except ticked off is not the word I used...

And then we got home, and the spot that we always park in was taken by my landlord once again.  There was barely enough room for us to get our car into the parking lot at all, and it was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I lost it.  I was so mad, he's always taking our parking spot.  He keeps giving us different spots, moving us around, and then he'll still take our spot.  So I swore, and was fed up.  I yelled for about two minutes, and then was done.

But... my husband came to me afterwards and told me that he thought I needed to have a spanking for swearing, but that he had plans right then, and couldn't punish me, but to expect it in the morning.  I tried to talk my way out of it so that he wouldn't feel guilty, and so that I wouldn't get a punishment on Saturday morning instead of a maintenance, but it was a no go.  I needed a spanking, he knew it, I knew it.

So Saturday morning came and went, nothing.  Come to find out he was letting me catch up on my blogging, believing it's good for me to have my contacts with this community.  So then just after noon he told me it was time for my spanking.  He tried out one of the paint sticks, and literally, he was trying to hit me with a good force, and I felt nothing for most of the swats.  So when he said he was done, I told him I really didn't feel anything, and there were even times where I could tell by how he moved that the stick had come down, but instead I felt his hand rest and not the stick.  So he tried harder, and broke the paint stir stick!  lol 

I felt I should be honest with him because he needed to know that I didn't get the punishment he'd hoped for in that.  So he made me get the bathbrush.  I was scared, but I did it.  He spanked me with it, but he hit quite a bit harder each swat, and by swat ten or so, I couldn't handle the pain, it felt like I was being beaten.  I looked at him scared and told him it was too hard.  He said I'd just get one more spank, and then the next one was very mild.

I felt horrible, he looked horrible.  I'd taken control from him, and now he was afraid he'd hurt me.  I knew I couldn't leave things like that.  I tried to appologize, told him I took control from him, and I shouldn't have done that.  I told him that he had every right to spank me as hard as he wanted, and I shouldn't have fought it.  He wouldn't really talk, just kept telling me he was alright when he obviously wasn't.  So I asked him if we could try the spanking again, but this time, doing each increase in strength of the spank at five spank intervals.  I told him that for me I really felt it would work better to have a slower increase in the intensity of the spank and have more spanks thrown into it.  So he did that.  He still looked so uncertain, and it really bothered me.

So I talked to him further.  I let him know that we're both going to keep making mistakes.  I asked him if he'd be willing to make ten huge mistakes in DD if it meant that in five years we had the best marriage on the planet.  He thought about it for a minute, and agreed.  So I told him, yes, I felt it might have been a mistake to hit so hard so fast before my bottom was warmed up, but that I was willing to make mistakes with him, I was willing for him to make mistakes.  Even if I'd ended up cut, or hurt, that I would forgive him, and that we'd fix me and keep going.

So then I admitted I needed to break down before talking last night.  So I asked him if he would spank me until I broke down.  Hesitantly he said yes.  And by the end, he was hitting just as hard as what had been too hard for me earlier, but the building up slower was just what I needed it.  He talked about how he loved me, how he needed me to be open to grieving our son, and so on.  He looked down at one point to see me quietly bawling my eyes out.  He pulled me to him and just held me and loved on me and comforted me.  It was just what I needed.  It was just what he needed, and our connection time afterwards, I have never felt so close to him in all my life.  It was amazing.

So last night, I want to thank everyone for their prayers and support.  It went well.  When we lost our son, we did not have the money to pay for counselling, and public health said it would be a year or more before I got counselling from them.  So a Christian counselling company found out about us losing our son and offered us nine free sessions.  So every year I guess, they do a banquet.  So I was asked to speak about my losing my son, and how counselling helped me at the banquet last night.  Out of the hundreds of clients they've probably had in the past two years, I felt shocked that I was asked.  But the counsellor I had had said it was her year to pick one of her clients, and in prayer, she felt I was the one she was to ask.  I was so humbled.  So I talked about how it helped, and how it was because of the kindness of everyone that donated like the people at the banquet, that allowed me to get the help that I needed when I needed it.

I felt I did a horrible job, I felt so overwhelmed up there, I felt like I rushed... it wasn't the 200 I thought it would be, but the 100 people there did feel like 200 because of how the room was set up.  But I guess I did a great job.  Everyone thanked me, especially the president of the counselling group, saying I really portrayed how important it is for people to have access to counselling when they need it, not just when they can afford it, and how I also portrayed how important it can be to have Christian counselling when you're a Christian.  I was very relieved to hear that.

I really still feel I could have done better, prepared better, but I'm so glad God still used me.

So that is all that I've been up to this weekend besides work today.  Been a long day, and already ready to fall asleep.  Ah, I hear the bed calling. :)


  1. Es May, I have lost both parents and my only sibling, but I still can't imagine the pain of losing a child. Mourning takes it's own time, and anniversaries are very hard.

    It sounds like you and your husband are working hard on communicating, and I really liked your question to your husband about making mistakes. There's no way to try new things, to risk and grow, without making mistakes now and again!

    Good for you both for working through this, and I am so very sorry for your loss!


    1. Thank you... looking back, I like the question I asked him too... he is very afraid of making mistakes, especially when it comes to me, and my emotional and physical safety. I'm trying to get him to see that I do need his protection, but in the learning, there will be mistakes, and I'll be okay as long as he's there to hold me if I am hurt. And thank you, I am sorry for your loss too. {{{HUGS}}} That is a lot to lose, your whole family that you had growing up.

  2. Communication is so important and as long as you guys talk about your mistakes you can find a way to keep them from happening in the future.

    I'm so sorry about your loss. Sending thoughts and prayers your way today.

    1. Thank you so much. :) That is my hope, to keep from repeating the same mistakes in the future. :)

  3. I am so sorry sweetie. it sounds as though you are communicating well and working together to get through this difficult time. Keep communicating and leaning on each other.

    Good on you for communicating your need to your husband and both of you for working through it together to get to where you needed to be. As Sara said, I love the question you asked you husband. We learn and grow and make mistakes as part of the process. Often, it's out of those mistakes that we gain the most growth.

    I'm glad your presentation went well. It sounds as though it was very well received.

    Thinking of you sending you huge (((hugs)))

    1. Thank you. :) That is a beautiful way to put it... that it's out of those mistakes that we gain the most growth. I'm going to remember that one. There is so much truth to it! Thank you. :)

  4. Hi Es May......

    I am so sorry that you had to endure the pain of losing a words really seem adequate here. I will be thinking of you today...and praying that God grants you some peace.

    And....we all make mistakes..obviously. The good thing is you all talked them out....and that is the biggest part of all of this...communicating.



    1. Thank you, Lucy Lou. I have always wanted more communication in our marriage, and it's amazing how DD is helping me in my need for this. :) It has helped our bond even more. :)

  5. Oh hunny
    I hope you feeling ok. My thoughts are with you.
    You did great on your talk, it must have been so hard.
    I don't think it's taking control of DD if you need to communicate that the spanking Is harder than the limit you have.
    Glad things worked out though x

    1. It was so hard, but I'm glad that it touched people in the end, and hopefully encouraged everyone to donate to the cause. :) And THANK YOU... I have been feeling really guilty, feeling I took control from the spanking... I feel like I should have been able to take the pain like so many women in our community are able to... I feel like I should be able to surrender no matter how hard he spanks. I am praying I can get to that point. :)

  6. Es May, my heart goes out to you. I think you were so brave to stand up in front of a whole bunch of people and speak about something so real, so painful, so raw, especially so close to the anniversary of your son passing.

    It sounds like you're going a great job in the communication department with your husband as well. I like the question you asked him. It probably helped him to look at things a bit differently and to be able to move on.

    You're in my thoughts and prayers! (((hugs)))

    1. Thank you, it certainly was nerve racking to get up in front of everyone, and glad I did it without passing out! ;) I think it did help him see things differently, he hasn't seemed as worried since then, and hoping the worry stays away. :)

  7. Es May,
    I too can't fathom the grief you are trying to process even two years later. Please be gentle with yourself and find a time to rest, even if it means taking a couple days off of work. I know, I know...I'm not good at that either.

    About the spankings...I think it's healthy and good when we tell our men about fear. I know it felt like you took control away but they need to recognize when we are beyond ourselves in a way that isn't good for us. It sounds like you got it settled out later on.

    1. I have my weekend starting tomorrow, so that'll be good to have two days of rest, well besides three hours of chores. :) I did talk to him last night, saying that sometimes I just will be really off, and it's alright for him to take me in hand at those times to help correct it... we'll see how that works for us. :)


Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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