First of all, thank you guys for all the advice. I did break down on Friday night and saw the doctor. I was told not to talk until Monday, and if I had to, as little as possible. Working at a job where I'm on the phones constantly, the doctor said I needed to not work for two days. I thought about asking, and decided against it, and then she told me I couldn't work. It was music to my ears!
Yesterday was maintenance. We had agreed upon doing it on Saturday mornings. On Friday night when I showed my husband some new implements I'd picked up, he said he was anxious to use them the next morning. So yesterday morning came. I waited, and waited, and waited. I felt lied to. I felt like I just wasn't worth the effort. Yes, probably some of this was being sick, and still feeling tired.
I went and took my laptop into the bedroom so that I could lie down and look around on it. To be honest I put in a game called Lords of the Realm 2, and played it. I've never had a copy of my own, and loved playing it when I was younger, and finally found a copy to buy online a few weeks ago. So I played that for a while while lying down. Finally around two in the afternoon, my husband came in and told me it was maintenance time. I told him it was too late. I wasn't being bratty, I was honestly just hurt and confused.
He looked sad and asked me if that meant we couldn't do it anymore for the day. WHAT!? That panicked me for some reason. I didn't want the ball left in my court on this. I needed it to be in his court. I told him that's not what I meant and he then told me he thought that we say Saturday mornings because I have to work in the afternoon, and since I didn't have to work yesterday, didn't know we had a time to stick to. I told him that that was totally fine, but that it would be best for me if he let me know we were changing the time. I told him I didn't need to know when he was going to do it, but that if we had a set time, and it wasn't going to happen then, I really needed to know because it left me anxious, and having a spanking hanging over my head that I didn't know when was coming really shook me.
After a couple more minutes of talking, he understood where I was coming from, and told me that I needed the spanking. We talked about if we should still do it twie a week or go to once a week, but because I thrive under rules, partly because of a guilt complex I have, we realized for now I needed the release from maintenance still, and so we're keeping it to two a week.
Maintenance was good. I didn't cry or anything, but I'm learning some things. First of all, I can make myself stay in position. Now, if the spankings get much harder, I'll have a real struggle, but I will still try. When I jerk my legs back, it isn't to stop the spanking, it's a natural reflex, but I'm learning to realize quickly when I've done it and to pull them right back, where as before my husband would have to tell me I'd pulled my legs back.
We did have a kink in the maintenance though. I had to stop his lecturing to me for a minute because he accused me of something that simply wasn't true. I have told my husband in the past that I hate being treated like I'm his mother. Having to remind him to do things he's promised, and making myself wait until the time is past before reasking him. I so don't want to be a nagging wife. But also, he defers so much to me, and asks my permission before he does anything. I really have felt like he treats me like I'm his mother, not his wife. So he told me yesterday during the lecture time that I was to stop treating him like he was my child. So I did turn over just enough to look at him and explained to him that that wasn't true, and wasn't fair of him to say. I did say this very respectfully. I then reminded him that I never treated him like that, yes I had said I felt like he treated me that way, but I never did so to him. He admitted this to be true, and I was glad he didn't punish me for sharing my opinions. I also reminded him that I hadn't said it since we started DD because he's been stepping up and being more of a man in our marriage. He thought for a moment and realized that was true. As soon as we had that worked out, I turned my head back around and we resumed.
We talked afterwards too. My husband says he's seeing good changes in me, and he loves that I am respecting his wishes, and doing the things he's asked. He sees I'm more calm, more steady, and more reassured. He sees the submissive side of me blooming, and he really likes it. He also likes that he feels he can ask me to do things for him now that he never felt he could before, and that he's actually allowed to tell me to do things when it's best for me. He also likes that I'm doing things more for him without being asked. He does the dishes, I never think to soak anything I put in the sink, or clean up the counter. But lately I have been. I also have been looking to make things he likes to eat more than I normally do. I've been keeping the house cleaner. I really thought he'd appreciate that, even though he normally doesn't care what the house looks like. He admitted to me yesterday that he wanted me keeping the house cleaner and I told him I knew deep down he actually wanted it that way, and why didn't he just admit it. He told me he didn't care what the house looked like. It was the peace I was showing, the calm and relaxing feeling I had, when the house was clean. That is what he wanted me to keep. Wow... when did he get so observant?
He also joked with me about my temper. He teased that because I don't get angry often, and he missed his one chance last week to take me over his knee while I was angry, that he might have to poke at me until I get angry just so that he can! He says if we wait for me to be angry again on my own, it could be months before he learns to step in! LOL STINKER! And here I thought it was a good thing that I rarely get angry! ;) Hmph... lol
So here are our new implements. This is the ruler I told you about, it's 12 inches. The light pink is the rubber, it takes up half the side on the other side, but only a small line on this side, and the dark pink is the hard plastic. I blame the red spatula on Willie. ;) She gave me the idea for it and told me just where to find it. :) And the two rug beaters I blame on Kiwigirliegirl. LOL She mentioned them in her blog the other day, and they looked so cool, that the crafter in me HAD to see if I could make the design. Can I blame people that tempt me? lol So I set out to make the black one. I took an old DSL cord that no longer worked, taped it with black electrical tape, and set out to copy the picture I'd found a close up of online. When making the handle, I put in a length from a metal hanger to strengthen the handle just to give me an idea of how a real rug beater would work. I gave it a few swats on my thigh, and felt I'd done a good job. I was going to throw it out at this point. I'd made the design, it held, the crafter in me was satisfied. One problem... when doing something just for the fun of it, maybe I shouldn't always allow my hubby to see the creations I've made. This here being one of them! He wanted to try it out for my maintenance! The black looked too depressing to me, so I added braided yarn to the handle. But then I really worried, it was so stiff, it would REALLY HURT. I remembered seeing an old cable in the box of cords. So I grabbed it, washed it, and made a quick simple one that I thought would be much easier on my butt and added a length from the coat hanger to its handle as well. I didn't want to get my wire cutters out to cut the ends of the cable off, and also want to keep it because I thought I'd be taking it apart again and would still have a usable cable. So hubby tried them both out yesterday. Yeah, the one that was supposed to hurt less? It stung a lot more! Not as much as the loopy, but still really stung. The black one was actually a lot easier to take. Go figure. LOL I was told we're keeping them... hmph. lol Now to tell the crafter in me to NEVER do this again. Honestly, I saw a challenge, like I do with anything I think I can craft... and now I pay for it. lol
And the last new one we have, and I really wasn't setting out to buy it, but it was in the same store as the spatula, and I walked by it. My husband and I had decided we did want a leather belt, but not a used one. It was just in our heads that this would be something used in the intimate parts of our marriage, we wanted no stigma in our minds about it having belonged to someone else first. Clothes, bags, purses, no worries. Something that's going to strike my bottom? We felt it was more personal and needed to be just for us in our minds. Since I just started working, we didn't want to go pay full price for a new belt and so were going to wait. Well this one was $2.50! I would have waited to get it, but it was the last one there. Still, I made sure with hubby before keeping it that it was okay, and he said it was, and was a really good price. We haven't used it yet... but I tried it on my leg, and now my bottom is scared! lol
Here's hoping one of these becomes the implement that is good for us on a regular basis. I feel like I've gotten a lot of implements, we now have nine counting these above. But so far, the bathbrush is the only one that really seems to work, but still not quite yet as to me it's just a household item turned implement. I really feel the belt will work, not because it might hurt more, but because of how it makes me feel emotionally. It just is manly, and even though it won't fit my husband, and so he won't be wearing it, to me, just looking at the belt makes me submissive. To me, the belt used during a spanking is a tool of control. There actually was one other leather belt there, but it had hearts in it, and I knew that wouldn't be making me think submissively. ;) This one already makes me feel owned and I haven't even had it used on me yet. *shivers*
I hope you are all having a great weekend. I know I am. I can't remember the last time I got to have two whole days with my hubby! We didn't go to church today because I knew if I went, I'd be talking. I would do it without thinking. And I HAVE to sing if I hear music. I don't know how to remind myself not to do it. So we've had no music in the house since the doctor's orders. If I went to church, I'd keep making a mistake and sing. So this was our only safe option. I told my hubby he could go, but he wants to spend the day with me. Awe. :) I really do love that man.