Exhausted And Still Submitting

Does exhaustion play into your submission?  I'm exhausted.  No, I'm beyond exhausted.  I'm holding onto sanity with both hands, afraid if one hand lets go, I'll lose touch with reality.  Like, as in I'll start laughing, and not be able to stop, or something like that.  Oih.  Anyone want to join me?

Baby girl is not a sleeper.  Even back when she was around 6-9 months of age I took her to the doctor because she was only sleeping 7 hours a day, including both naps, and waking often in the night.  A few years later, and she still doesn't sleep, and this week she's decided she only needs like 4-6 hours a night.  Which, when I want to get my book done this month, is making it impossible to get much sleep myself.  Yesterday and today I couldn't even concentrate, my head hurts so much, my muscles and joints ache, and I just want to sleep.

In the midst of telling the Duke on the phone while he was at work how hard of a time I was having today, my stomach rolled, and I made a comment about the acid reflux bothering me today.  Remember I said the Duke used to ignore me??????  He mentioned doing that thing... I mentioned a week or two ago, again (sorry, I can't type it out here, it's just too embarrassing)  He's already done it once again, and wants to this weekend.  And I just started crying.  I'm so tired, I don't want to have to do something I don't want to do.  He asked me a few questions about it.  If I believed in lying, I could have gotten him to change his mind... but I don't lie.  I closed my eyes as the questions came at me, knowing each truthful answer I gave would only further ensure that it would happen this weekend.  He had to repeat a couple of the questions over again because admitting the truth was so hard and I couldn't seem to get the words out of my mouth.  I answered, it didn't hurt (well mostly, and I shared that too), it was helping, etc. 

I am not sure I have ever felt more submissive in my life than in that moment, knowing he expected an answer, and my answers were only going to enforce him doing something I don't want him to.  Each answer I gave only solidified his resolve, and I knew it would.  If I'd read something like this in a novel, a dominant man making his wife answer questions just to ensure her mind was submitting as much as her body, I'd think it was so sexy.  I am not sure that is a fair practice in real life, living it is a whole different ball game.  We should not be forced to answer questions that only make it more certain we will have to do the very thing we don't want to go.  Just saying. :) 

Okay, okay, it's effective, really effective, and to be honest, a real mind.... sheesh, what do you call it when you aren't allowed to swear?  A mind screwing?  A mind messing up? lol  But I still say it's not fair.  :)

So here I sit, exhausted, wanting to fight with him, yet knowing he's fully expecting me to obey.  Sooo... anyone have anything they NEED me to help them with this weekend?  It would help if it could take ALL weekend long. :)  You know, some of you may need a visit?  A love one you need me to sit with?  Babysitting so you can take a mini vacation?  Heck, I'll even do housework!  :)  A toilet plunged?  No problem, just make sure it's good and stuck so I can justify it taking over 48 hours to fix. :)

*Sigh*  The submissiveness sits there, weighing on my chest.  It's a good feeling, a comforting feeling, but I feel so utterly vulnerable right now, like so exposed and almost scared with how deep the longing is I have for his control.  Is it wrong, that even in not wanting to obey, I utterly crave him controlling me right now?  Hoping for sleep tonight.  I miss sleep.  I thought I'd be sleeping by this point in my life. 

I want to just post this, but the Duke saw my struggle in writing, and now is insisting I show him before I post.  *gulp*

The Duke's Deductions:
I noticed that Esmay has been having a hard time lately and she mentioned her acid reflux. I knew I wanted to help her so I mentioned it. I told her I thought we should do this thing again, and I asked her if it would help with her acid reflux as I believed it did. I had remembered we had found that out, but I do know sometimes I misremember things so I wanted to make sure she was on the same page as me. I understand that out of love I care for her physical well being, and in my role I get to tell her to do things that are good for her health that she may not otherwise want to do. I do like the submissiveness that comes from it as well.  When she started crying, I asked her if it caused her pain. I was worried that in the time since we last did it that she may have had a lot of pain inside her, that maybe we had done something wrong, or there was some other issue with her that a doctor would need to look at. When she was hesitating to answer me, I was realizing that the issue wasn't that it was physically hurting her, she was just scared of the idea of doing it again. I understood that the idea may not have sounded appealing to her, but I knew it was the best for her health. Also, if she knows I am going to tell her we are doing it even if she doesn't necessarily wants to, then she knows that taking care of her is more important to me than anything else.

Well, go figure, I asked him after he wrote all that if he meant to mess with my mind with the questions, because it sure didn't sound like it in what he wrote, and  said that wasn't what he was trying to do.  Wow, he sure did a good job of it if that wasn't his goal. LOL  He said he's going to keep the idea of messing with my mind for the future though.  And see, there, I created my own problem in assuming his intentions.  Ladies, don't assume, and if you do, don't let your HOH know what you're assuming.  It will only get you into trouble most of the time. EEK!  lol  And that last line of his... I love when he writes on here, because he'll share things on here that he doesn't necessarily think to share in person.  It makes it more special.  He laughed as I read that part to him just now. :) :) :)  Goodness, I love this man, even though what he asks of me is sometimes hard.

CUTE NOTE!!! - Duke grabbed me and hugged me after we finished this post, because of how I admitted how vulnerable I am.  Then he fisted his hand in my hair so I could feel his dominance.  He makes it look from the outside like he is petting my head, or resting his hand on my head so no one knows the truth of what is going on.  That was proven just now.  Our daughter "AWWWW!!!  Daddy loves you so much!"  Yes, yes he does.  Oh, kids are so cute. :)