If you've been reading a while, this next paragraph is stuff you probably already know. I think I've shared it on my blog before anyway. In our marriage, we agreed before marriage, no lustful thoughts, no porn, no self pleasuring. We would only seek sexual pleasures in any form in each other. In university (did not finish my degree), they did a crackdown on porn. I was the only female worker in the computer labs, and so they picked me to find any in the caches of the computers, and to report if I found any. I had to check every computer on campus over the course of the month, every month, thankfully it wasn't a huge university! :) What I didn't know when they asked me though, and what I didn't realize until after I was done the job there, was that I'd become addicted. :( So the rules about no lustful thoughts, no porn, no self pleasuring were rules I asked for before we got married, years before we ever talked about DD. It had taken me ten years to get the addiction under control before I dated the Duke, and I wanted help making sure I kept it in control.
Because of this, I skip over sex scenes in books, fast forward them if they show up in a movie, etc. Still, this week, the lustful thoughts came, and I don't know if it was because I was so tired, had so many headaches, I was just being week and stupid, or what, but I entertained some of them, and did so way too long. :( :( :( I would think about imaginary couples doing things that I just should not have been thinking about with the struggles I have. I'd finally get my head together, would remember I'd have to tell the Duke about the thoughts, and then could put them behind me, but they came again, and it wasn't until I'd remember I'd have to tell the Duke that I'd snap out of it. I'd say this happened a half a dozen times or so over a couple days.
The Duke and I had a talk, and I asked to be punished for it. He wasn't going to, but then saw my guilt. That thing I told you about a few days ago, that he promised for today, he did it, and then punished me while he said I had to hold it. I used to wish the Duke would learn to lecture better... can you hear the song playing in the background? "Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it, you just might get it." Some people have a song they use for their life, that should be mine. When they play back the scenes from my life at my funeral, that song should be the one played along with it.
The Duke spanked me with the red carpet beater, then a dowel, and then a loopy. He focused a lot of it on my sit spot. OWIE. See, that's supposed to be a no hit zone, right tihs/subs? If you all agree, the Duke might start to believe me, so feel free to leave your echoes of agreement in the comments! LOL
He didn't realize he'd colour coordinated, how thoughtful of him. LOL
The squares on the quilt are 6 inches, so the dowel is about 20" and the other two are about 14" I'd say.
Along with being spanked, I was lectured like I said above, and he lectured good. He told me what he expected of me, and what I would do right away in the future when the bad thoughts came. He gave me step by step instructions of ways to fight the thoughts. Then, after I was red, and he ran his fingernails over my welts... who in the world taught him to do this!?!?! He's done it for the past few months after every spanking. After that was done, he pulled me to him and cuddled me. Still, I didn't feel like I'd been fully dealt with. I still had this guilt. I had been talking with someone this week about corner time, and wondered if that would help... so I asked the Duke if I could suggest adding that. I was ordered to the corner, and then he came up behind me, lectured me a lot, told me the next time I was punished over this, it would be much harder, and then he took the loopy to the back of my thighs about half a dozen times. He told me I was naked in front of him, and that I couldn't hide anything from him, and he meant more than just physically. I stood there for probably only five minutes before my stomach cramped too much and I had to leave the room... but the corner time was VERY effective. It, along with the lecture, helped clear the rest of the guilt. I feel so free now. Forgiven. Cleansed of guilt.
Now that I have his help, I can probably get back to my normal self pretty quickly. Knowing what the triggers were will help me avoid this in the future, I hope. Having the Duke lay out clear guidelines if my mind starts to wander into places it shouldn't, will help me as well. And knowing I'll pay a lot more than I did this time, will hopefully also be a deterrent. I know this is not a struggle for a lot of women, but if I start down this path with these kinds of thoughts, I end up in a dark place in my head that I do not like. Cutting this off right now is the very best thing for me, and I'm so glad that even though he didn't feel it needed a punishment, that he saw it was what I needed, and helped me, and will help me in the future if I need. Which I hope I don't.
Are you guys liking when the Duke comments at the end? Sometimes he asks to write one, sometimes I ask him if he would write one, and then tonight we both agreed he'd do one without either of us really asking.
The Duke's Deductions:
I knew that Esmay felt really guilty and upset today, so that is why I punished her. I tried to give her a hard spanking with lecturing. I tried to give her the spanking I thought she needed and to not let her reactions to its pain cause me to back off. I thought she needed to know I would take care of her and discipline her when needed. I believe that if a sub feels guilty about something, even if it is something the Hoh may not necessarily blame her for, he still needs to take the steps to deal with it. If a punishment is what the Tih really needs, then that is what the Hoh needs to be willing to give her.