Our Consistency?

This was written a couple of weeks ago, May 15th, the visit I talk of with my Dad, started that night, and they left this past Tuesday morning, so they are not here now.  I do plan to write some new posts soon, there just has not been time.  Been to the doctors a bit lately too, been really tired, and just not able to keep up.  I'll try to explain it all soon.  Just know that things are well, and my health isn't in danger. :)  So here is what I wrote a few weeks ago...

I'm still here.  It seems the more I try to cut back on stuff, the more busy I actually am.  The Duke and I have not had any real time together in weeks, something we hope to rectify once my parents are gone.  We decided this morning to book Tuesday evenings as a NO BOOK time, it's our time, date night, nothing else is allowed to be booked then.  I can't wait! :)

So, a few weeks ago I said that I had a question I had done up for chat that I really wanted to discuss here.  As you can see, I have not posted in several days!!!  Wow.  So I decided to finally get to the question that was a real eye opener for me. :)

The topic I had done that week was "Consistency"  And one of the questions I had asked was "We often talk about an Hoh's responsibility to be consistent, but what about the subs responsibility to be consistent in their behaviour?"

I don't know where that question came from, I can only assume God, because I pray about each week before I do it, to make sure I'm asking the questions that will help people/couples most.  But this question really struck me.

I do try very hard to be consistent, but do I see that as my role as much as it is his?  Until then, probably not.  I think I thought more along the lines that if I was having a bad day, that's okay, the Duke will help me.  And he does, but I think I was too dependant on that.  I think there were times I could do more on my own, and didn't, making him have to step up more.

So, over the past few weeks, I have been paying real attention to my consistency in being submissive, obedient, and respectful.  And I notice I'm not doing too bad.  I'm not saying this to brag.  But it's good to see that I'm growing in this too.  That I'm making better choices, and doing what I can to honour the Duke.  A year ago I cannot say that I was working on my own consistency.  I thought it was all the Duke's job to make me behave, not really seeing how much responsibility I had in that as well.  I wasn't a bad wife, I did most of the common courtesty things... I just... put me ahead of him more than not. :( 

And then last night happened, I was PMSing, and was really struggling not to let it show in front of my dad.  I want him to respect me, and not see me as this broken child from all that has gone wrong in my life.  I want him to see me as strong.  But last night, I went out to pull down laundry off the line, and the Duke joined me.  I spewed for about 30 seconds, and then the Duke put his arm around me, and that's all I needed to remember I could calm down.  I didn't need to let the war going on inside me win.  It was a very hard next hour, emotions ragged through me, and I went from wanting to laugh, to throw a temper tantrum, to needing to cry my eyes out.  The only part I showed was the laughter.  And after?  I didn't have anything to regret.  So, in this too, I'm going to learn to be consistent. :)  I might fail several times in the learning, but I will learn it. :)

So now I'm looking at consistency in a way I love.  It's both our jobs.  I do try my best to be consistent, but now that I actually see it as my job, it's taking on a much deeper, loving meaning. Lately we've been at the point that it's rare for me to even get one spanking a month for discipline, still have maintenance and stress relief.  I am not saying I have DD down pat everyone, there is still SO MUCH for me to learn, I just tend to be someone who always thrived best being led, and very rarely want to act out against that.  Being led makes me so happy, so fulfilled, so complete that I just settle into it and love it's comfort.  I actually envy those of you with more spunk, more cheek, though I'm sure my bottom doesn't.  LOL  But because of this, that is why I am so big on submission exercises.  It's a way for the Duke and I to keep practicing our roles without me getting frazzled or bratting and earning a spanking.  And so in that, I am learning to be consistent too.  To find ways to keep my submissive mindset, to find ways to help foster the Duke's dominant side.  To create peace and harmony in our marriage to last a life time.  And in times that obeying is hard, I'm learning that being consistent makes it easier to swallow my pride and do what is right.  The Duke has me, that is part of his being consistent, and I don't have to worry about obeying because he's showing me it's the right thing to do.

So, all in all, consistency to me, as my role, is my drive and ability to follow the rules set before me, to be steady and honest.  I want the Duke to be able to depend on me to do what he's asked.  I want him to know that if something happened that he wouldn't find out about, I'll still tell him.  I want to be consistent in my willingness to follow his lead, and submit, even when it's not the first thing I want to do.  I tend to be a bit all over the place with my emotions, and I want to make sure that doesn't spill over into my ability to give of myself in any are of my life to my husband freely, whenever he needs, or wants.

What does consistency look like for you? :)

- The Duke's Deduction:

Hi Guys,

I am very proud to see how much EsMay is practicing consistency in her submission. She is really trying hard to make this work, and I appreciate that. I do have trouble being consistent. DD does not come naturally, and I struggle with being dominant sometimes. So I am so glad that my wife is there to help me along the way. We are learning this lifestyle one step at a time, and it is OK if it is not completely perfect, as long as it works for us. This really is making our marriage a lot better, and I feel it is making me happier in our marriage.  Thank you for trying so hard at this, EsMay, and not giving up on me.