I promised you a post earlier in the week, two posts actually, but life got so crazy busy this week that until last night I honestly did not have two minutes to rub together. I will try to get them out this coming week. :) Also, if I owe you an email, I am so sorry, and will try to catch up there too. :)
So, last night, after an insane couple of weeks, the Duke and I really hadn't had time to live our dynamic. There was just no "us" time. By Tuesday I could feel that I had slipped away, was gaining my inner dependence back, and was hating every minute of it. Don't get me wrong, I'm independent in many ways, but when it comes to areas of my personal life, and my marriage, I don't want to be in control. I want to be able to let go, and let the Duke lead.
The Duke seemed all the sudden as well to be unsure of himself. I noticed this on Sunday, and spent the time we did have together trying to talk to him, and encourage him. That might have helped lead to my disconnect the rest of the week, I am not sure.
So, by last night, we were all off kilter. I retreated to the bedroom feeling exhausted from everything, and needing to just lie down and regroup. I thought about looking up ways to help the Duke find his dominance again since it seemed to have taken a vacation to a land I'd never heard of before, but then felt that would be topping from the bottom. So before I could read the pages I'd opened, I closed them all. I then thought about looking up ways to be more submissive, and was starting to because I wanted to cover that in chat this week, but part way through getting things ready, the Duke came in. He wanted me off the computer.
We talked for a little bit. I told him I wasn't sure DD was right for him right now, that maybe I was asking him to be a dominant when he wasn't really, and I didn't want him overwhelmed. He asked me if maybe he wasn't a dominant quite yet, but maybe he was supposed to be? I thought on it a bit, and then he asked why I felt the way I did. I had lots of answers I wanted to give him, lots of things that at first felt true, but as I thought for a minute, realized they were all just shields to what was really going on. I let the vulnerability come through, and was amazed to see that deep inside, I felt lost, and in need of his strength and comforting, and was afraid with his uncertainty this week of not getting that. I admitted my struggle, but still needed a minute to admit what the struggle was hiding.
The Duke gave me a minute, and then, got up and left the room to close up a few things. A minute later he came back, and for the rest of the night, he was very dominant with me, in and out of the bedroom. He spent the whole evening with me exercising his rights to lead me, and push my limits, and make me feel special, loved and cared for. He's also been pushing here or there to have, I guess you would call it, my inner child come out. He says she's softer, sweeter, more in need of protecting, she's more vulnerable, more innocent, and when he can coax that side of me out, I notice healing from my past happens every time. I feel more loved, more beautiful, more whole.
By the end of the evening I felt very centered. There was no spanking, just a lot of being pushed in my submission. When he tucked me in, he hasn't done it in a while so I loved every minute of it, I told him how much better I felt, that I felt loved and protected. He looked at me with love shining from his eyes and said that he knew, he could see how much more peaceful I already was. That meant a lot to me.
We will probably always have life get in the way at times, but I'm so glad that he's still there, and is willing to bring me right back to where I need to be. I honestly needed last night, and crave him even again this morning, his leading, his holding me, his being there. I love this man of mine.
- The Duke's Deductions:
Hi guys. I just wanted to comment and say that, yes I was being less of a dominant than I had been in the past. I think part of it was that I was starting to think being dominant looked like a certain thing. Probably ideas I got from online somewhere, I don't know, but it seemed like something that was too difficult for me to reach, or didn't really fit with my personality, or would only apply in certain situations. But then last night, I think I realized that really, being dominant in a DD relationship seems to me now to be more about having an idea about what decision in that moment would be best for the relationship or best for the sub, and then just stepping up and saying "This is what we are doing right now," or "this is what I need you to do for me right now." Really, the sub just wants to know that somebody else is in charge or in control of them for their benefit, and that we're there for them, and that's the main thing.