Saturday, December 16, 2017

A Bit (A LOT) Personal :)

Whether you are new to DD, D/s or what have you, or you've been practicing for a while, hopefully you have heard it said that you need to make DD your own.

Sometimes I want to talk about things we do to encourage submission, but then, some of those things we do were greatly frowned upon by some blogs when I first started out, and so I shied away from ever sharing.

I don't think I've ever shared this before, but maybe I have.  We have told you we have a toy chest, so you may have guessed anyway.  We use... um... bottom plugs.  There.  *gulp*  We use them.  It may not shock anyone, but we grew up so conservative that I don't normally talk about this stuff.  We don't use them a lot, but we do find they put me in a submissive mindset in a way that nothing else does.  It makes me feel small, owned, cared for, and I feel the need to submit to the core of my being.

In the beginning, I read a popular blog that said that a couple should never use them because the only point in using them was to degrade and humiliate the woman.  I was so disappointed. 

We hadn't tried one yet, but I really wanted to for some reason, and somehow, I let their words be rule.  Thankfully the Duke and I realized through the course of DD that we wanted to take the step to try one.  That it would never be used to harm me, or lower me in his eyes in any way.  And have we ever been blessed that we tried.  It brings me to a place of complete calm that I am not sure I ever feel any way else.  Those of you that know I'm a Christian, please don't get me wrong, I have felt calm with God as well, but I think God uses even this moment with the Duke to show me the complete calm I can feel in submission, be it to Him, or the Duke, in a real, tangible way.

So this week we got a new set.  I was so excited and terrified all at the same time as one was bigger than I'd ever tried before.  But the Duke wanted me to try it, and I wanted to please him so much.  He was so patient with me, and I was really proud of myself afterwards.  I reached a level of calm and feeling submissive that I just didn't know existed.  I think mostly from how the Duke supported and encouraged me and really showed me how much he had me and that I could trust him.

So, just another way we make DD, D/s our own.  I feel submission in the center of my chest.  Literally, it's not just psychological or emotional, I feel the weight just below the center of my collar bone.  It is one of the few things in life that make me feel like I am living my purpose.

What rules did you think there were in DD when you started that you had to break for the sake of your marriage? :)

I know I have many.  These may work for your marriage, but they didn't for ours.  Some of them are:

- There should be no intimacy after a spanking, it will only reward the tih.  -  But if I've been really punished, I need that connection afterwards, not as a reward, but because I'm so utterly open and vulnerable, and need to feel his strength.
- We needed to have a list of rules.  -  That didn't work, it was too much micromanaging that the Duke didn't have time for and made me feel trapped.  The Duke and I both know when I've crossed a line in what is appropriate behaviour, we don't need a list of rules to tell us.
- The husband always has to be consistent.  -  And that would be nice, but life doesn't work that way, especially with little one and parents living in the house with us.  To expect him of it really messed up our marriage for a while.  Now I know he is when he can be, and that he's not neglecting me if he can't.

I say we're DD and D/s, but not even sure that applies to us.  We're us.  I hope you're making your marriage yours as well.  It won't look like anyone else's.  That's not only okay, it's BEAUTIFUL.  Find the things that make you different and celebrate it.  Different does not mean wrong.  I thought I was so different the Duke could never deal with me.  Now he not only meets the needs I hid, he insists on meeting them for me to be a happier woman.  He likes meeting my needs now, when I used to worry he'd think I was a complete freak.


  1. Very proud of you, EsMay. Just like in marriage, there are no hard and fast rules in DD, D/s, M/s, etc. Each couple is different and no two relationships will look the same. What works for one couple doesn't work for another and vice versa.

    You and the Duke just do you and you will be fine.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

    1. Thank you, Cat. We keep trying. :) {{{HUGS}}}

  2. Very important and well written post. I have often advocated...there is not one way to do what we do...the right way is what works for you and your partner. And as for butt plugs...instant submission here....and M know it.
    hugs abby

    1. Thank you, abby. It is true. And your secret about the plugs is safe with me. ;) {{{HUGS}}}

  3. Hi EsMay, this is a great post and you make a very important point. Ttwd is different for each couple, there is no right or wrong. We each need to find what works for us, and what works for us may not work for others.

    I'm with you on the rules you listed too. I really struggled with intimacy after punishment initially thinking it wasn't "right" (for want of a better word)


    1. Roz, I am glad that you guys were able to figure out what works for you both too, despite the "rules". :) {{{HUGS}}}

  4. Love this post EsMay. For me, DD/TTWD is all about finding out what works for you as a couple. Trying to follow some arbitrary rules set by some random person just doesn't work.

    1. Thank you, Dana. :) You're so right, we just need to find the things that work for us as individual couples. :)

  5. I agree at times this community can be hurtful if not destructive to others and youre right you have to make this lifestyle your own no matter how you practice it. It is what works for the couple on an individual basis.

    1. Seaside Dreams, I am sorry that you have had to witness hurtful or destructive behaviour in the community. I haven't been around for a while, but I know that in any group, there will always be those people. :(

      And so glad people know this, to make it for themselves. :) Works so much better this way. :)


Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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