I have been banished to my room. For some reason I am an emotional mess today. I think it's having a migraine, too little sleep, and a toddler that knows way more than me, and fights to let me know it all day for the past three weeks. So the Duke saw me near tears, and sent me for some alone time. It was non negotiable. I have Maria on in the background (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KCnx4XU59s) and taking some time to relax. Maria is an ASMR artist (relaxation and tingles) that my best friend introduced me to about three years ago. I don't get to listen to her often, but she helps me relax sometimes. :) I'm also knitting Christmas stockings while banished to my room for the three of us, and taking a break to check in.
So, this month marks 5 years I've been blogging. WHAT?! A lot of the past couple years has really been hit and miss with a new baby, and then several issues for that baby, who is about to be 3!! Can you believe it!? But life is starting to hit a place where I feel I can finally balance and really hope to check in at least once a week.
So to describe what I've learned about consistency, you need to know what life is like a bit. Since baby, the Duke had a major car accident and was a bit of a ride to recovery, we moved to a new town, my parents moved in, my mom was rushed to hospital and we weren't sure she'd ever be coming back and now stays in bed most of the time, I returned to working again from home before baby was one, the last two years of the Duke's job have been extremely stressful, and they keep threatening to fire him because he refuses to do some things that are just not right, and will now lose his job in January for sure by the sounds of it. I have had several health issues, most of all migraines, almost all the time from lack of sleep due to little one's health issues. They aren't major, but they do mean very little sleep most nights, as in months on end of 2-4 hours a night every night.
So, where does consistency fit into all of this? It doesn't. But beautifully so. Back five years ago, I would have been so upset, I would have been angry, and flung accusations at the Duke. I would have pouted when alone, gone off and cried, and wondered why the Duke just couldn't step up and lead. I would have been hurt, and took his inconsistency as a personal insult, and would have taken it to mean that I just wasn't worth it. Yep, I was that woman, I look back and literally hang my head with heavy disappointment over my behaviour, how I let my mind go to the darkest place every time, and how I put so much pressure on the Duke. Sure, the dark spots had a lot to do with losing our son a few years before, but it was also not knowing how to handle seemingly negative things in my life.
But now, things are different. I have grown as a person so much. The Duke works hard, and is super stressed from a job that constantly holds firing him over his head, while trying to make him feel like a naughty three year old all the time that needs to be checked up on and corrected all the time. The turn over rate at his job is very high, yet he's been there over 12 years. So when he comes home he then tries to balance our marriage, child, my parents, life and other things. That doesn't leave much time for consistency. And to be honest, I find that good in some ways. I have found a new love for my husband. A new appreciation that was never there before. The Duke is not a natural born leader. In fact, the Duke gets overwhelmed at times, and his brain freezes. He doesn't want it to, and I won't lie, that trait can drive me crazy in a crisis because he literally can't move, but it's who he is. 10 years of marriage have proven that to me. And in learning about the Duke more and more, I have this softness that has grown because of this trait, a protectiveness. I realize our marriage is both of us fighting for each other, protecting each other, and taking care of each other. My job is to protect this part of the Duke, to not reach the point where he is overwhelmed, and in turn, he is able to step up a lot more.
So what does this mean?
It means when he calls me because he worries about probably being fired next month, that I'm there to encourage him, and let him know that if he gets fired, we'll find a way to make it work, that God has never not provided for our needs, and we're not going to start doubting now. I let him know how proud I am of him for trying is best, his stats have gone way up the past few months. And I let him know that I am very proud of him for refusing to budge on his morals to do better at his job.
It means that I know that intimacy is a great stress reliever, but the Duke rarely thinks of that when he is so stressed. So it's my job to make sure he's taken care of in this area at least a few times a week. It helps flush out the stress, it helps him feel connected to me, it helps take him out of the worry.
It means that when he's getting really down, I try to find ways to make him feel special. Whether that be to go and get our dowel (because it's quiet) and let him know that if he needs some control in his life at that moment, to feel free to use it on me. I look for ways to make him smile, like making food he likes, or letting him know when we have it in the budget to get take out because he likes takeout. It means cleaning as much of the house as I can so that he doesn't come home and feel like he has to clean. More and more I find my submissive self if I look for ways to meet the Duke's needs, especially during this time when normally the threat of losing his job would make him feel defeated, maybe even less like a real man.
I give, and I submit, and as I do these, as I feed into him, he feeds into me. He's started giving me little spankings just because. I actually got two this weekend, the stinker. ;) He's gotten way more dominant in the bedroom again. He gives me swat bys a few times a week now. He grabs me in tight for a kiss more now. He has started taking my emotional and physical health more seriously, and so I sit here alone in our room. :) He's coming along beside me, and making me feel more important, and more cared for.
Things aren't consistent, but they are wonderful. We understand each other more now, we have more grace, I see nothing lacking right now, even though punishments are non existent, though to be honest I haven't had time to get into trouble. :P He is giving his very best to me right now. His best. And honestly, I look at how some days I struggle and work to give my all, and look at how little that is sometimes, and how can I be anything but grateful for him? How could I even entertain the thought of asking him for more? Of demanding he be something he isn't? He is such a wonderful man, and no one is ever going to love me anywhere near as much as this man does. We will probably never be 100% consistent... and I actually find that beautiful. If there are great DD couples, we wouldn't measure up, and even that makes me smile. As I said a few days ago, we're just us, and I love that. :) I am so thankful to be living this live with him. Good days, bad days, and everything in between. I am so thankful.