I feel like I've dropped off the map. I didn't mean to stay away, but literally, there was never a moment to get on. And in all honesty, I have inlaws coming in the hour, and the house needs a run through, but I feel I want to say hi, and just say where we're at. I'm hoping to be blogging again, and I'll actually probably need to as well. The Duke and I are starting talks about what we want DD to look like. We weren't able to really practice while I was pregnant, then had to wait until I was healed, and then the Duke needed his healing after the accident, and we now finally feel in a place where we can look at getting back.
And with that I feel some fears. How do I want to live this lifestyle now that I have a baby in the house. She has had some health issues that have made her clingy. I want to set goals for myself, but sometimes, no matter how hard I try, they have to be unmet so that I can make sure she is physically and emotionally cared for.
But deep down, my biggest fear is letting go again. I've had to be so strong this past year, I've had to be in control, I've had to lead, and especially so since the Duke's accident. He's now in a place to take back control, and I'm scared. I crave so much to be led, and am terrified by it all in the same breath. I'm not sure I remember how to let go, how to step back, how to follow. I want to, but some part of me is warring against it inside.
So I foresee many blog posts once we try to restart in a couple of weeks. Our baby is being dedicated this weekend, so lots of family will be coming and some not leaving for a few weeks... I never thought my little apartment would be so busy, but we are never alone now. And I don't mean baby wise. There is always family wanting to visit now. That too will put a damper for now on how we move forward because we want to be alone when we really get back into the swing of things.
I pray I can get over the fears. Fears the Duke will have to start over from the beginning on trusting he can lead. Fears that he'll be inconsistent and leave me hanging. Fears that I won't be able to submit when he asks it of me. Fears that I will panic at our first few spankings. Fears that I won't know how to let go and follow. They are all silly, I hope... I hope we can just get back into things soon, I hope company does not stay long this time. I wish circumstances would have allowed us to try before now. But this is where we're at, and maybe the waiting has been good, and needing to wait. I know there is still more we need to talk about... like me needing to admit I'm afraid... which I'm afraid to admit. LOL I just feel the Duke has been so overwhelmed already, and I want to protect him, and yet in the same breath... isn't that just a great start to wanting to be submissive? YIKES!
So here we go, I'm excited, I'm scared, I yearn, I fear, but I definitely want.