Friday, June 19, 2015

Starting Anew

I feel like I've dropped off the map.  I didn't mean to stay away, but literally, there was never a moment to get on.  And in all honesty, I have inlaws coming in the hour, and the house needs a run through, but I feel I want to say hi, and just say where we're at.  I'm hoping to be blogging again, and I'll actually probably need to as well.  The Duke and I are starting talks about what we want DD to look like.  We weren't able to really practice while I was pregnant, then had to wait until I was healed, and then the Duke needed his healing after the accident, and we now finally feel in a place where we can look at getting back.

And with that I feel some fears.  How do I want to live this lifestyle now that I have a baby in the house.  She has had some health issues that have made her clingy.  I want to set goals for myself, but sometimes, no matter how hard I try, they have to be unmet so that I can make sure she is physically and emotionally cared for.

But deep down, my biggest fear is letting go again.  I've had to be so strong this past year, I've had to be in control, I've had to lead, and especially so since the Duke's accident.  He's now in a place to take back control, and I'm scared.  I crave so much to be led, and am terrified by it all in the same breath.  I'm not sure I remember how to let go, how to step back, how to follow.  I want to, but some part of me is warring against it inside.

So I foresee many blog posts once we try to restart in a couple of weeks.  Our baby is being dedicated this weekend, so lots of family will be coming and some not leaving for a few weeks... I never thought my little apartment would be so busy, but we are never alone now.  And I don't mean baby wise.  There is always family wanting to visit now.  That too will put a damper for now on how we move forward because we want to be alone when we really get back into the swing of things.

I pray I can get over the fears.  Fears the Duke will have to start over from the beginning on trusting he can lead.  Fears that he'll be inconsistent and leave me hanging.  Fears that I won't be able to submit when he asks it of me.  Fears that I will panic at our first few spankings.  Fears that I won't know how to let go and follow.  They are all silly, I hope... I hope we can just get back into things soon, I hope company does not stay long this time.  I wish circumstances would have allowed us to try before now.  But this is where we're at, and maybe the waiting has been good, and needing to wait.  I know there is still more we need to talk about... like me needing to admit I'm afraid... which I'm afraid to admit.  LOL  I just feel the Duke has been so overwhelmed already, and I want to protect him, and yet in the same breath... isn't that just a great start to wanting to be submissive?  YIKES!

So here we go, I'm excited, I'm scared, I yearn, I fear, but I definitely want.

24 comments:

  1. LET Go, you're making yourself crazy. All will be as it should in the fullness of time.
    Good Tiding this weekend for the baby's dedication.

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    1. Thank you, we had a wonderful time. All my immediate family was there, and it was so nice. :) And I did let go. :) It needed to be done.

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  2. You have had quite a year...you needed to be strong. Now it is time to start letting go...not all at once...but bit by bit. It is so good to hear that everyone is healing and that the babe is doing well.....I was so scared of letting go, and now it is what gives me the most peace.
    hugs to all of y ou...
    abby

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    1. abby, I am so glad to hear that you have such peace. :) Mine is coming, thank goodness. :)

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  3. It is so wonderful to ear from you once again. You have definately been missed but everyone here certainly understands the circumstances that you both have been under in the past year. Having a baby changes everything but one thing will remain the same. You and Duke were together before your little one entered into your family and you will be together one she is grown and gone. Regardless of all of the needs a little one has, you both will need to make your marriage a priority at all times. Will DD look the same? Probably not. There are always adjustments to be made. It's like riding a bike, you never forget and you will resume where you left off. You both will need to spend some time talking things over to be sure what you one had in place is still applicable, or maybe there are some adjustments to be made. You know only too well how important communication has been in the past and will be in the future as you both move forward. Take a deep breath and start the process with baby steps and let Duke lead and you will naturally follow along. Life changes and so must we. I have every faith that you both will work through this time and know we are all still here waiting to offer our support and encouragement.

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    1. Thank you. Yes, thankfully we learned before our marriage that our children have to come second to each other. Something we have been striving for. Even when she needs care, we still look to look out for each other as well. I am hoping we can keep a balance that makes everyone feel loved, needed and wanted throughout life. :)

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  4. We've had a few stops and starts along the way. While it's always a little bumpy getting back into the swing of things (no pun intended) at first, I've found we always end up coming back stronger in the end. I'm sure once you guys find your groove, you'll be fine. It will be different than it was before, of course, but it will be what's best for you guys at this point in your lives.

    Hugs,
    Dana

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    1. Oh, I do hope we come back stronger in the end. That will be so wonderful. DD aside, our marriage has worked that way, so hopefully it will here too. :)

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  5. Oh Esmay, just don't overthink it all. Just see what happens and go with the flow. I bet you will soon be back in the swing of things. Glad the Duke is alright now too
    love Jan,xx

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    1. Thank you, Jan, that is what I am trying to do now. Just let go. :) I'm doing better for it.

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  6. Hi Esmay, it is wonderful to have news from you. I am with Jan, don't overthink and just go with the flow. You have had so much going on lately that all might be easier once you have had a little more time. Wishing you a joyful weekend.

    hugs

    Nina

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    1. Time is definitely needed. And thank goodness we both realize this, or it could be an even rougher road. And nothing thankfully has to be worked out today, or even tomorrow. :)

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  7. It's so good to hear from you Es May, I have been wondering how you are. I am so glad to hear you and the Duke have healed. You have had so much going on over the last year.

    We too have had some stops and starts with ttwd and I completely relate to the mixture of emotions you are feeling. You can let go again. Baby steps. Take things slowly and let it evolve. Don't try and jump straight back in.

    Wishing you all the best and sending positive thoughts and prayers.

    Love
    Roz

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    1. Thank you. :) It has been baby steps, and no punishment spankings yet, but after the non punishment one, I'm so okay with that! :)

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  8. Don't let your fear and worry defeat you EsMay...you and the Duke will work this out just as you did in the beginning. Hang in there and know that blogland is here for you. Feel free to email me if there is anything I can do to help you. Sending lots of positive energy.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    1. I won't let it win, I promise. :) And thank you, I just very may well end up emailing you. :)

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  9. Es May,
    Cat is a wise person with good advice here. Welcome back. We are all so happy for you.
    Meredith

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    1. Thank you. And yes, I've found she has quite a few nuggets of wisdom. So thankful for her, and all of you. :)

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  10. Es May, it's so good to hear from you! Congratulations on your baby's dedication.
    I'm with Leigh - just let go because you're making yourself crazy! Try not to overthink. It will all come back with a few bumps along the way. But you and Duke will figure it out, I guarantee it! Welcome back!!

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    1. Thank you, we were so excited to have it. My whole family came to celebrate with us. :) And we are also glad to be back. :)

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  11. Look forward to reading more post. Hang in there and just take it one day at a time.

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    1. Thank you, I hope to get back to more regular writing. :)

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  12. Lovely to hear from you again, Es May, and to know the Duke is doing well.

    Don't feel you have to rush into things. The 'things' will still be there when you return to them. Duke and baby come first.

    When the time is right for the Duke's second in command to step back down, I am sure she will do so, and the Duke will step up once again. Definitely try not to overthink.

    Many hugs to you all!
    Ami

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    1. You know, I've had to be learning this in so many areas. Duke and baby come first, the rest has to just wait until I can get to it. And trying not to over think, I promise. :)

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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