Tuesday, June 04, 2019

I Am Worthy

First of all, thank you for all the wonderful emails, and checking up on me.  I am okay.  A lot happened this month, and I just couldn't get on. I had four posts I wrote, but none got out in the month of May.  There was a major crisis and several other things going on, and I just couldn't concentrate to post, or visit.  I am terribly sorry.


I Am Worthy

Not words I could have said before, but, right now, I am starting to be able to say it.

I Am Worthy.

These should be simple words to say as a person, but I have struggled with self worth my whole life.  I was abused as a child, the words I heard was that I was hated, unwanted, that I'd ruined my mother's life.  It gets so much worse, and I will spare you the details.

I love the Duke, but he's never really given many compliments either.  They just aren't something he thinks on.  He thinks the world of me, and loves me very much, it just isn't something he thinks of.  The few I get, I've hung on to like a dehydrated man holding onto a newly found jug of water.

The chat room I told you about, about a month ago, and I'm so sorry to have been away so long, this room has been so wonderful for me.  They really love people there, just as they are, without trying to change them.  Well, me they're trying to change, on one thing.  My self esteem.  They wish I could see myself in a better light.  So, one Master took it upon himself to start that change.  He started telling me I was worthy.  Then last week I said to him that for that one moment, I could say it.  I wrote "I am worthy".  I thought it would only be a moment.  Just a blip.  But he asked me to say it again.  So I did.  He asked me to say it louder, so I did in capital letters.  He then asked me to shout it, so I added several explanation points after it. *giggles*

And then came the challenge.  "Go shout it in the main room."  I choked for a few seconds.  Being able to say it to him, and being able to say it in a room full of people, granted I've never met them, but still, were two totally different things.  But I did.  I went into that room and said

"I AM WORTHY!!!!!!!!"  

Let's just say, when a whole room knows you have self confidence issues, and you go in and do that... you get A LOT of compliments, and finallys, and thank goodness you see it now. *giggles*

Then, in that same room, that Master came out and told me he wanted me to make a sign to put up that I would see every morning when I wake up that said those words.  Because baby girl still has a lot of bad nights, and I often am in there, I made a sign for her room, and our room.  He also told me to go to a mirror 2-3 times a day, and say those words to myself while looking at myself.  This was at the beginning of last week, and let me tell you, it's working.  It's really working.  And it's also helping because the people that were in the room that day, if they see me on another time, they tell me again that I'm worthy. :)

This Master says every submissive has a wonderful gift to give in their submission, that they are strong, beautiful, worthy and so much more, and that he wishes every submissive could see this about themselves.  So, I'm submissive, and in that, I'm learning I am beautiful, smart, strong, worthy, and I'm told by many that I make the room smile and light it up... those are hard to say, but, I'm going to work on embracing them all.  I have decided to start a compliments journal.  A small book with compliments I get, so that when the lies of the past start to overwhelm me, I can pull it out and remind myself how others see me. :) 

The Duke is LOVING how my confidence is growing.  He and this Master talk, they are becoming friends too.  When I was told I was no longer allowed to say bad things about myself in the room, the Duke made it a HARD rule at home too.  Like I can't even say "I can't believe I was that stupid." or "I made a pathetic attempt to do (insert thing).  I am not allowed to use any sentence that talks about me and says the word stupid, pathetic, unworthy, or idiot, even if I'm not talking about myself.  I stand no chance at bad self esteem anymore if everyone has a say about it.  It kind of makes me feel really loved. *blush*

I am not an artist by hand, I love to do digital art, but to draw, hahaha.  That eye I did a few months ago was only because I followed a youtube video, all 30 plus minutes, bit by bit.  So, these aren't works of art.  Still, they're my saying, ready to go on the walls. :)  If you struggle like I have, I hope you can take this task I was given, and try it on yourself. :)  You are worthy too. :) :)

I got the ideas for the doodles by looking up bullet journal doodles. :)  As you can see, baby girl got a hold of the one for her room and wrinkled it a bit. hehehe



9 comments:

  1. Hi EsMay, no need to apologise. I'm sorry you had a major crisis and hope life has settled down a bit.

    This post made me smile :) I can definitely relate to self esteem issues and am glad you are finding the chat room a positive experience. I love the compliments journal idea.

    You are definitely worthy!!! You are such a giving and caring person.

    Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
  2. The repeating of those words makes it a mantra of sorts, EsMay. Keep up the good work. It takes time to believe it.

    When I was a teacher, it was just part of the job to help children see their own worth. When 2 children, especially the girls, had trouble getting along with each other, I would send them out to recess with little paper booklets and they had to play with each other and think of compliments to give the other person. It always seemed to help them to be kind and to feel appreciated.

    Sending Worthy Thoughts,
    Ella

    ReplyDelete
  3. See what happens when you start believing? You are worthy and loved and an amazing young lady! I am so glad to count you as a friend Ms. EsMay!

    ReplyDelete
  4. You are WORTH











    YOU are WORTHY...we are all worthy. Like you, I sometimes have a hard time believing that..I am so happy that you can affirm yourself...and believe it!!!!! I love reading here....and having you as a friend...and also love that Duke is going to keep reminding you! hugs abby


    ReplyDelete
  5. I am so glad you are finding your confidence and discovering your own worth. You ARE worthy! Keep saying it and writing it and living it until you believe it. Something I have had to remember from time to time. :-) Hugs

    ReplyDelete
  6. I LOVE this post. You are worthy. I'm glad you're stepping into it!

    ReplyDelete
  7. You are absolutely worthy! <3

    I think we all need to remember that sometimes. I am so filled with joy for that Master and your Duke and them working so that you can see the worth that they already see!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I love this! You ARE worthy!

    I have struggled with self-confidence my entire life. I was told as a child that I wasn't worthy, in so many ways. Till I believed it.

    I have a husband who sounds a bit like yours. My man is not verbal. Not by nature. I know he loves me. I know he's attracted to me. I just don't hear it very often. Added to my (already) having confidence issues, its been a bit hard at times.

    I have tried to practice a little of what you are describing. Telling myself positive thoughts, verses negative, self loathing ones. And that is what those words are. Self loathing.

    We ARE worthy! All of us. We need to walk in confidence of that fact!

    ReplyDelete

Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

Troll comments and spam will be deleted.