What I Want, What I REALLY Need

I know why I can be confusing to the Duke. I'm a constant war, two sides of me constantly fighting, even I get dizzy from it at times. I sometimes really make him question his ability to lead.  Tonight even. So I've sat here thinking about how I seem to send mixed signals at times...and how can I do or say something one time, and the exact opposite another, and yet both feel so much like who I am. I think I'm starting to figure it out, I think it's the difference between want and need. I don't like this about myself, and I've been working on it a bit in some areas, still not being able to put my finger on it before tonight, but I think seeing tonight how much I am at war with myself is really going to help me clarify how I want to act and feel.

My wants and my needs, and you will see how they seldom agree.

In making this list, I felt I remembered a similar post from someone before? So even though what I write here is from my head, the idea might be from a memory. :)  I found it, it's on God's Gift To Him Blog from 2010. :)

I wrote out like 30-40 wants/needs, but didn't want you having to read all night, so I tried to get it down to about 15-20, and some got combined as well. :)

I want to obey when I feel submissive and healthy and when it suits me
I need him to demand my obedience and submission at all times in all ways

I want to have freedom to test the limits, to decide some of the rules
I need him to remind me that showing him respect means obeying what he decides

I want to feel safe and cherished and comfortable
I need him to sometimes push past my limits for my own good

I want to hide from him, ashamed of my body
I need him to demand my nakedness, even when embarrassing, and to reassure he loves all of me

I want to run away when we fight, I want time alone to fester, time to focus on my hurt
I really need him to keep me with him, or go after me, and not let me build up walls and fears

I want to remain strong, and keep some independence
I need him to demand I let go, let my little out, my fears out, and my longings out and FULLY depend on him

I want to hide when I'm embarrassed
I need him to expose all of me so that I am utterly vulnerable to him

I want to nurse my hurts and fears alone
I need him to make me share everything so that I have nothing to hide

I want to be able to scream my head off during the rare times I'm hormonal
I need to have him step up and tell me that's enough, and to end it if need be

I want to give excuses for why I don't get things done
I need him to hold me accountable

I want him when I'm aroused
I need him to remind me that my body is his and that he's allowed to use me when and how he wants, even in the middle of the night

I want to hide from him how often I'm aroused at times, especially if I feel he isn't
I need him to keep his rule that I must always tell him because it humbles me to have to be so honest, which usually gets him in the mood if he wasn't before ;)

I want to talk him out of some of the rules
I need him to step up and tell me I will be following the rules, or else, and follow through

I want to decide when spankings happen, and how hard, how long, and for what reasons
I need him to decide, I need him to make me trust he won't hurt me, and not turn back if I make excuses

I want to self bash and tell myself how horribly I'm doing
I need him to stop me from hurting myself, and dragging myself to a dark place, to show me how special I am and force me to see the good

This list could go on all day, and I did cut it in half.

I'm such a walking contradiction.

Err... I mean, I don't know why the Duke is so confused. It's not like I'm inconsistent as a woman. :P None of you struggle with your needs vs your wants... do you? :P Of course not, we're all too perfect to have such an obvious flaw! *WHISTLING WAY TOO INNOCENTLY* Way too perfect. :P

The Duke's Deductions:
Thank you for writing this Esmay. This list is really good. I think it is encouraging for me to have this to look at. My natural instincts are oftentimes to think that Esmay is going through a hard time right now or is not feeling well so I should let things go or go easier, Or I think that I don't want to hurt Esmay's feelings, when really she needs me in that moment. So yes, its good to know that in those moments I can still push forward and push Esmay in that way. It is funny how sometimes the best thing you can do in a situation can be to do something that can hurt in the short term but overall can help the most in the longterm.