I had hoped to do a post this week about our journey back into DD. My parents have been here since our little girl was born. They were only going to stay two weeks, but one thing after another has kept them here. So they were going to go home this past Friday and the Duke and I were going to get back to DD this weekend with a reset/role affirmation spanking.
But one evening last week the Duke didn't come home. Let me say first that the Duke is okay and alive. But after him being late by 45 minutes, something told me I had to call the police to see if there were any reported accidents. Something felt very wrong. Ten minutes later they called me back with one of the calls you NEVER as a wife want to get. A constable called to say the Duke had been involved in a major car crash, our car would never be driven again, and that the Duke was being taken by ambulance to hospital. For hours they would tell me nothing else, they would give me no indication on how he was doing. My world stopped. For an hour the hospital had no information on if he was even going there, I kept calling every 10-15 minutes, I'm sure they hated me, and I kept worrying that he was dead and was just being taken to a funeral home since they didn't even have any information on him being sent to the hospital.
That was the worst five hours of my life. The Duke is alive, and will heal. He has over 15 staples in the back of his head, he is literally black and blue throughout his body, his chest and stomach is one wall of yellows, reds, blacks and blues, and is in such a lot of pain. :( He couldn't move at all without help for days, now he can do a very little bit. He has a serious concussion, and has to miss weeks of work for it. He's not allowed to do anything but sit in a dim or dark room, and can have soft music. He is to do nothing that requires focus. No tv, phones, tablets, computers, gaming, not even reading or listening to heavy music, podcasts and audio books. Nothing, his brain is to have complete rest for at least another week, probably two, and when he goes back to work, the doctor says it will be done in stages, starting with only two hours a day. I didn't know a concussion could be so serious.... but he was unconscious for several hours, and made no sense for another day and a half, talking about things that weren't real. If he doesn't follow the doctors orders, they tell me he could stay in the dream like state he's in, with the headaches and double vision, for the rest of his life. As it is now, he's already had them for about a week.
So this leads me to a new way of submission. I had worked over the pregnancy on being submissive, even when the Duke couldn't be leading, even when there couldn't be consequences. I wanted to really dig inside myself and keep growing. But now, I have to find a new form of submission. I have to find a way to take care of the Duke without overstepping him. I have to find a way to follow the orders that doctors have given to me without taking the lead. I need to find away to take care of him, and do what is needed while respecting him. It seems so weird to be making the decisions right now. It seems so horribly wrong to make sure he's following instructions. Not because he's not trustworthy, but because he's so confused at times, he could literally forget instructions, and already has at times. It feels horribly wrong to be checking up on him. I feel more like it's showing that I don't trust him than it is that I'm taking care of him. But I'm working to find the balance. My parents stayed longer to help me take care of the Duke, the baby, and until we get a new car. My Dad really respects my want to be a submissive wife, so it's been great to have him to talk to at times when I'm really unsure if I'm doing the right thing. I just really want to do the best I can for the Duke.
So as we go through this new stage, which I'm hoping and praying is only the few weeks the doctor expects, I'm praying I can keep being submissive. But above all, I'm praying for the Duke's well being. It is frustrating for him to be so confused, and not being allowed to do anything. Insurance people and police keep calling to find out details about the accident, but he was unconscious, he can't remember a thing, and not being able to remember when they need him too only adds to his stress. Our car is destroyed, half the car is literally crushed in. I've heard that said before, but never really seen it. It is terrifying to see when you realize someone you loved was in all that. I've only seen pictures so far, but tomorrow I go to see the actual car to make sure we need no more of the personal possessions inside. I'm praying I'm brave enough to see it in person. I've decided to not let him see it himself since the pictures alone bothered him so much. Another way I have to make a decision that feels so wrong for me to be making by myself... but I literally don't know what else to do, I really don't think with his mind the way it is right now that he can handle it. He already blames himself for the whole thing, when none of it was his fault. But he can't seem to process that right now. :(
So for now, DD is still on hold. The Duke can't even raise his arms due to all the bruising along his torso and arms. If he tries, he can't even breathe through the pain, so spanking is completely out of the question. But I'm learning and growing all the time, and I think finding ways to be submissive out of the box will truly help us in the long run. But most of all, my marriage keeps getting stronger. The Duke and I keep growing closer together. Right now it's a bit harder since he's confused, but through this too we will get closer.
I thought my baby was my miracle, and that made 2015 so special. But now I have another miracle in 2015. The police don't know how he left that accident alive. The doctors don't know how there wasn't internal damage through his torso with the amount of massive bruising. Thank God he's alive. I know God would get me through if we lost him, but I NEVER want to learn how to live without him. I'm so glad that every time we part we kiss and tell each other we love each other, that we do the same every night when we say good night, and that we end every call with saying we love each other. I kept asking the police officer if I was allowed to tell him I loved him, then the nurses once he was at the hospital. No one would let me. But I had the peace knowing that those were my last words to him, are always my last words to him.
PS, didn't realize the Duke was the last one to be logged in to our blog, and with all going on, I didn't even think to check who was logged in like I usually do, so this posted as his ID. But this is EsMay writing the post.