Tuesday, March 24, 2015

A New Form of Submission

I had hoped to do a post this week about our journey back into DD.  My parents have been here since our little girl was born.  They were only going to stay two weeks, but one thing after another has kept them here.  So they were going to go home this past Friday and the Duke and I were going to get back to DD this weekend with a reset/role affirmation spanking.

But one evening last week the Duke didn't come home.  Let me say first that the Duke is okay and alive.  But after him being late by 45 minutes, something told me I had to call the police to see if there were any reported accidents.  Something felt very wrong.  Ten minutes later they called me back with one of the calls you NEVER as a wife want to get.  A constable called to say the Duke had been involved in a major car crash, our car would never be driven again, and that the Duke was being taken by ambulance to hospital.  For hours they would tell me nothing else, they would give me no indication on how he was doing.  My world stopped.  For an hour the hospital had no information on if he was even going there, I kept calling every 10-15 minutes, I'm sure they hated me, and I kept worrying that he was dead and was just being taken to a funeral home since they didn't even have any information on him being sent to the hospital.

That was the worst five hours of my life.  The Duke is alive, and will heal.  He has over 15 staples in the back of his head, he is literally black and blue throughout his body, his chest and stomach is one wall of yellows, reds, blacks and blues, and is in such a lot of pain. :(  He couldn't move at all without help for days, now he can do a very little bit.  He has a serious concussion, and has to miss weeks of work for it.  He's not allowed to do anything but sit in a dim or dark room, and can have soft music.  He is to do nothing that requires focus.  No tv, phones, tablets, computers, gaming, not even reading or listening to heavy music, podcasts and audio books.  Nothing, his brain is to have complete rest for at least another week, probably two, and when he goes back to work, the doctor says it will be done in stages, starting with only two hours a day.  I didn't know a concussion could be so serious.... but he was unconscious for several hours, and made no sense for another day and a half, talking about things that weren't real.  If he doesn't follow the doctors orders, they tell me he could stay in the dream like state he's in, with the headaches and double vision, for the rest of his life.  As it is now, he's already had them for about a week.

So this leads me to a new way of submission.  I had worked over the pregnancy on being submissive, even when the Duke couldn't be leading, even when there couldn't be consequences.  I wanted to really dig inside myself and keep growing.  But now, I have to find a new form of submission.  I have to find a way to take care of the Duke without overstepping him.  I have to find a way to follow the orders that doctors have given to me without taking the lead.  I need to find away to take care of him, and do what is needed while respecting him.  It seems so weird to be making the decisions right now.  It seems so horribly wrong to make sure he's following instructions.  Not because he's not trustworthy, but because he's so confused at times, he could literally forget instructions, and already has at times.  It feels horribly wrong to be checking up on him.  I feel more like it's showing that I don't trust him than it is that I'm taking care of him.  But I'm working to find the balance.  My parents stayed longer to help me take care of the Duke, the baby, and until we get a new car.  My Dad really respects my want to be a submissive wife, so it's been great to have him to talk to at times when I'm really unsure if I'm doing the right thing.  I just really want to do the best I can for the Duke.

So as we go through this new stage, which I'm hoping and praying is only the few weeks the doctor expects, I'm praying I can keep being submissive.  But above all, I'm praying for the Duke's well being.  It is frustrating for him to be so confused, and not being allowed to do anything.  Insurance people and police keep calling to find out details about the accident, but he was unconscious, he can't remember a thing, and not being able to remember when they need him too only adds to his stress.  Our car is destroyed, half the car is literally crushed in.  I've heard that said before, but never really seen it.  It is terrifying to see when you realize someone you loved was in all that.  I've only seen pictures so far, but tomorrow I go to see the actual car to make sure we need no more of the personal possessions inside.  I'm praying I'm brave enough to see it in person.  I've decided to not let him see it himself since the pictures alone bothered him so much.  Another way I have to make a decision that feels so wrong for me to be making by myself... but I literally don't know what else to do, I really don't think with his mind the way it is right now that he can handle it.  He already blames himself for the whole thing, when none of it was his fault.  But he can't seem to process that right now.  :(

So for now, DD is still on hold.  The Duke can't even raise his arms due to all the bruising along his torso and arms.  If he tries, he can't even breathe through the pain, so spanking is completely out of the question.  But I'm learning and growing all the time, and I think finding ways to be submissive out of the box will truly help us in the long run.  But most of all, my marriage keeps getting stronger.  The Duke and I keep growing closer together.  Right now it's a bit harder since he's confused, but through this too we will get closer.

I thought my baby was my miracle, and that made 2015 so special.  But now I have another miracle in 2015.  The police don't know how he left that accident alive.  The doctors don't know how there wasn't internal damage through his torso with the amount of massive bruising.  Thank God he's alive.  I know God would get me through if we lost him, but I NEVER want to learn how to live without him.  I'm so glad that every time we part we kiss and tell each other we love each other, that we do the same every night when we say good night, and that we end every call with saying we love each other.  I kept asking the police officer if I was allowed to tell him I loved him, then the nurses once he was at the hospital.  No one would let me.  But I had the peace knowing that those were my last words to him, are always my last words to him.

PS, didn't realize the Duke was the last one to be logged in to our blog, and with all going on, I didn't even think to check who was logged in like I usually do, so this posted as his ID.  But this is EsMay writing the post.

32 comments:

  1. Es May,
    I am sending my prayers and good thoughts right to you. You are strong and you can do this.
    Meredith

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    1. Thank you, Meredith. Knowing I'm needed is giving me the strength to keep going.

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  2. WOW...thank you for taking the time to share with us. You and Duke...and your new little family member are all in my prayers. I am so glad your parents are able to give you the support you need. Master has always told me...submissives are the strongest people he knows...you are proving him right. When you have time please keep us posted....If God leads us to it, He leads us through it....
    hugs and prayers...abby

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    1. I will do my best to keep updated. I do agree that it takes strength to be submissive. And thank goodness God leads us through. I just keep telling Him that even though this completely shook up my world, He already knew about it, how to get us through, and see us on the other side.

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  3. Es May, I am shocked. I had to keep re-reading paragraphs, cause I just couldn't believe what I was reading. It's like a scene from a daytime soap--you never think it will happen to you. I am so, so incredibly sorry that this happened, and, simultaneously grateful to God that the Duke is still with you. I think you will find that you are stronger than you ever thought you could be, but it may not ever feel like it in the moment. What a year full of ups and downs for your family--if this isn't the stuff that love and commitment are made of, I don't know what is...

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    1. I have to shyly admit I don't watch soaps... though a friend does tell me they are full of drama, so I guess in that way we. I'd rabille fit the bill. I wish this was all just a tv show, watching the man who gives me so much stength struggling so much, confused and scared is breaking my heart. I don't feel I can help him as much as he needs. And not having clarity of mind makes trying to keep his spirits up while he is so bored hard. :( Yes, it has been quite a year. I told a friend on the weekend I was ready for my life to not be so exciting for a while.

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  4. Es may, I hope that his recovery is speedy. I am so sorry all of you are going through this.

    Hugs,
    Kathy

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    1. Thank you, Kathy. I hope he heals quickly too.

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  5. My heart and prayers go out to both of you. I think you will only put pressure on yourself by worrying whether you are submissive enough or topping. At times in marriage (remember in sickness and in health) you may have to make decisions when you don't want to. Do as much as you can, but don't be afraid to accept help from your parents or others. Good luck.

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    1. Kate, you are right, and there have been sometimes already where a lot had to be done at once. They needed to be done quickly, and there was no time to even wonder if I was being submissive or respectul, especially the first couple of days of doctors appointments, and endless police and insurance calls. Maybe I will just put the worry about remaining submissive on the shelf for now.

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  6. Oh EsMay, I am so sorry for what happened to the Duke. I cannot see that following the doctor’s orders so that the Duke can heal means you want to lead or that you are not submissive. I think as long as you have to take care of your husband it is just meant to be that way. This is such a burden, with your lovely little one to care for, but as long as the Duke recovers I am sure all will be fine again. You are doing this for him and your family, so you should not worry whether this is right. I know this time cannot be easy for you, but I believe your own words are true, you had two miracles this year and the way you wrote this down shows determination to get through this and you sound kind of strong enough for it, for your family and for yourself, and I am glad about that. EsMay, sending healing energy and prayers your way and keep you in my thoughts.

    lots of hugs

    Nina

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    1. Thank you. I really do just want to do what is best for the Duke and our family.

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  7. Oh Esmay, I am so sorry to hear of this terrible accident. My best wishes to you and the Duke. I think you can't worry about being in charge right now,you have to do what you have to do. In time , God willing the Duke will get better and things will return to . Love to baby
    love Jan,xx

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    1. Thank you, Jan. I do pray he returns to normal health and mind.

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  8. Es May,
    I am sorry to hear of such upheaval in your home.
    You are truly a Woman of Strength.
    May you find Peace in the decisions you have to make, may you find your Strength is part of your submission.
    Many prayers coming your way.
    Alice

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    1. Thank you, I really would love peace that I'm making the right decisions for him ad us. But God is so good and faithful.

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  9. My love and prayers are with you and your family.
    There are times you just have to be strong and take charge for the good of your family. It's not disrespectful, it's what is needed, it's working together fulfilling a role for him when he can't.
    You are doing the right thing. Don't worry, save your strength for what you have to do.

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    1. Janey, what a great way to put it...I'm just helping do things right now tht he can't himself. You know, I don't think I've done the garbage once since we married, and can probably cou t on oe hand the amountmof times I've done the cat litter. It's things like that that remind me of how much he does for us.

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  10. Wow, Es May, what a horrible thing to have to go through! I am so glad that you Duke is still there with you and your new baby.

    It sounds like right now, Duke needs you to be in service to him. I think that is the ultimate in submission doing for him what he needs you to do. Doing what is best for the family is not overstepping. Right now, somebody needs to be holding the reins and as Duke heals I'm sure he take them from your hands and thank you for doing what needed to be done.

    Prayers ascending for your whole family.

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    1. Cygnet, thank you! I almost bawled at your words. I'm not doing all of this to receive a thank you from him, but I really do hope in the end he is proud of me. I hope I can do a good job for him until he can.

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  11. Hey Es May...I am so sorry to hear that the Duke had such an awful accident but so happy to hear that he came through it is at home. So very pleased that your parents are there to help you with the baby and the Duke.

    There is no reason to feel wrong in making decisions and ensuring that the Duke is following Doctor's orders...he is not in the shape to do so. Part of being a wife is taking care of your husband when he is unable to do so. I had to take care of my ex when he had an accident...meet with the doctors and make sure he followed all instructions. This does not mean you are not submissive...you are doing what is in the Duke's best interest.

    You are very correct to not let him see the car...I would hide the pics from him also. His brain needs to heal...no stress.

    Sending lots of prayers, healing energy and positive thoughts. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Thank you, Cat. I did decide in the end not to let him see the car. I saw it on Wednesday and was told it was being destroyed the next day. I never did find the Duke's eye glasses in it. It has ended up me needing to just take care of him and not always stopping to consider submission. There just isn't always time, and I'm learning he needs me to be the strong one right now, to make decisions for him until he can.

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  12. EsMay,
    You and your family are in my prayers. I pray for a speedy recover for Duke., I'm sure he can't wait to hold that baby again. I can't even imagine what you went through, I'm glad you wrote about it. It's hard to keep such trauma and stress bottled up. I hope you're taking care of yourself too. Not that my opinion means much, but I think taking care of him right now and making sure he heals is definitely an act of submission. Positive thoughts sent your way!

    Hugs

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    1. Jennelle, we are thankful for your prayers. He actually got to start holding her the last couple of days, and he's so glad to be doing so again. :)

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  13. Esmay.. was so happy to see you had posted then as I read I felt so bad for you and Duke. God has you both in his hands and will see you through this situation. Having a new small one at home adds to the pressure. You can do this... Duke has prepared you and you will do what needs to be done and you will be an awesome caregiver for Duke. Trust in your heart and all will be well. Sending prayers of healing to Duke, and prayers of peace and comfort to you as you go through this. Prayers to your little one... I am thanking God that he protected Duke so that all of you will enjoy being a family for many more years to come.

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    1. Thank you for your belief in me, Annabelle. And for your prayers as well. We too are so very thankful that He protected him. I am not ready to face a life without him.

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  14. i cannot imagine what youre going through! prayers for you and your husband as you care for him during recovery.

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    1. Thank you. And I hope you never have to know what it's like. {{{hugs}}} Though thankfully it is getting much better.

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  15. EsMay,
    My thoughts & Prayers for The Duke, you, and your baby daughter. You will help him to heal & recover your love & devotion will get you through this. You are a strong woman/wife/mother I have no doubt your 2015 will in time be everything you both want it to be. Hoping for a speedy recovery for The Duke.
    (((hugs)))
    honey

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    1. honey, I do believe that even though it's been a rough start, it's also been a beautiful year already. Lots of challenges, but as you said, it's already so much of what I want. Thank you for the prayers, we definitely appreciate them.

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  16. Hi EsMay, I was so excited to see a post from you in my blogroll. I have been thinking of you a lot. Then when I started reading I just couldn't believe it.

    I'm so sorry to hear of the Duke's accident. I can't begin to imagine how scary that must have been for you. I'm so glad he is at home with you and that you have your parents to help you take care of the Duke and your darling little girl.

    You are stronger than you know and you will get through this together. As Cat said, there is no reason to feel wrong about making the decisions and ensuring the Duke follows instructions. By doing so you are doing, and giving him exactly what he needs right now.

    Thank you for taking the time to let us know. I can imagine how busy you must be. Take care of yourself too and give your little girl a cuddle for me.

    Sending positive thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery for the Duke.

    (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. Thank you, Roz, I am feeling less guilty making sure he follows instructions. Today I had to put my foot down, and as weird as it was, I know I was doing the right thing. I can't remember the last time I ever put my foot down with the Duke, but it sure has been a while. And she's in my arms right now, so giving her a gentle squeeze for you. :)

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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