Sunday, November 24, 2013

Maryanne - Jokes For You

Okay, Maryanne, I am behind, but hopefully if you still need entertainment, as I promised in my last post, here it is. :)  These are my four favorite jokes to tell to friends.  One is one Cat told not long ago, so if you read it there, feel free to skip here, it is joke 1. :)  I'll do each joke in a different colour. :)

Joke 1:

A ship of men set out to sea in order to draw the land and see for sea maps.  About a month into their voyage a crewmen calls down from the crows nest.  "Captain!  One pirate ship, dead ahead."

The Captain looks up.  "Come down, and then bring me my red shirt."

The crewman does as he is ordered.  The Captain puts on his red shirt and they fight the pirates as they board the ship and win.

A week later the same crewmen calls down again from his crows nest.  "Captain!  Three pirate ships, dead ahead."

The Captain looks up.  "Come on down then, and bring me my red shirt."

The Captain puts on his read shirt , they go into battle, and defeat each pirate as they board the ship..

The crewmen is so excited, and goes to his Captain.  "Captain, why is it that whenever we see pirates, you ask me to bring you your red shirt?"

The Captain answers.  "The crewmen all look to me when they are fighting.  As long as I am doing okay, they will keep fighting, but if they ever suspected I was ever injured, they would stop fighting and come to tend to me.  I need them focused on the battle at hand, and not me.  So when I'm wearing a red shirt, they will not be able to see if I have been cut and am bleeding."

The crewmen thought this was very noble.  The next week rolled around and yet again the crewman had to call down to his Captain.  "Captain!  Nine pirate ships, dead ahead.  Do you want me to bring you your red shirt?"

"NOOOO."  Said the Captain.  "Bring me my brown pants!" He moaned.

Joke 2: - For this joke, I need to pull in some ladies from blogland.  Roz, Cali Mom, hope you don't mind. ;)  Now usually you make fun on one person, but so that I don't hurt anyone's feelings, I'll be the butt of the joke. ;)

Roz, Cali and EsMay were all traveling in a car when they had an accident.  They arrive at the pearly gates and meet St. Peter.  He welcomes them, and tells them to go right on in.  But first, he must give them a warning.  "Don't step on the ducks!  God loves ducks, they're his favorite animal.  Whatever you do, don't step on any ducks!"

Roz, Cali and EsMay figure this is no problem, so they gladly enter into heaven, all excited to look around.  Three days in, Roz is looking up, amazed at the sky in heaven.  What weird and beautiful colours.  She takes a step forward, and trips, falling on her face.  She looks behind her to see what could have caused this, and sees a duck skuttering away.  She stands to dust herself off, hoping nothing really terrible will happen for this.  But as soon as she is righted, her body is slammed against, and all the sudden she is fused from hip to shoulder with a man.  She takes one look at him and her stomach lurches in her throat.  He is the most repulsive man she has ever seen.  It is all she can do not to be sick to her stomach.

An hour passes when Cali catches up to her, but her smile fades when she sees the man attached to her.  She goes to ask Roz why she is literally attached to this man, when Cali herself steps on a duck.  Cali too is slammed into, and the next thing she knows, she herself is attached to an equally appalling man.  Roz and Cali decide they need to find EsMay to warn her about how serious it really is to step on a duck, and try to get her to avoid they same mistake.

It takes a few hours, but finally, they caught up to her.  Their jaws drop.  EsMay is already attached to a man, but this man is drop dead gorgeous.  The ladies look at his electric blue eyes, chiseled features, and his muscular body and do all they can not to drool.  Roz looks back at EsMay with astonishment.  "HOW did you get HIM!?"

EsMay opens her mouth to respond, but the man answers first.  "I stepped on a stupid duck!"

Joke 3:

A pastor was interviewing at a church.  They decided to have him preach before the congregation, and then the church would vote as a whole on whether they wanted this man for a pastor.  So he came and spoke, and led a 10 minute sermon which everyone loved.  Still, it was decided upon that everyone would like a bit more meat to their sermons, so they wanted to give him another week to prove himself.  The next week he came and spoke a 30 minute sermon, and everyone loved it and thought it was just right.  But because he'd talked so little the week before, they wanted one more week to see how he did.  So the next week he comes and preaches for two hours!  Everyone loved all that he had to say, but they did not want to be spending two hours every week listening to a sermon.  So the deacons decide to have a talk with him.

"Sir, we really love your preaching style, and would love to have you come and be our pastor.  But we do have a concern.  The first week you only spoke for ten minutes, the next week you spoke for thirty minutes, which is in the range we'd prefer to have on a weekly basis, but then this week you spoke for two whole hours!  What is going on?

The pastor answered.  "Well, I'll be honest.  The first week you had me here, I had just gotten dentures, and they were bothering me, so I was only able to speak the ten minutes.  Last week I was really getting used to them, and even though they still bothered me a bit, I was able to lead a normal service.  But this week when I woke up, I put my wife's dentures in by mistake!"

Joke 4:

A lady named Sheila died and went to heaven.  At the pearly gates, St. Peter greets her.

"Hello, and welcome to heaven.  I just have a skill testing question for you, and then you can go on in."

She looks at him a bit wearily.  "A skill testing question?"

"Yes, you see, God just wants to make sure He lets in the smart people.  So your skill testing question is to spell cat."

She looks at him incredulously, but replies.  "C A T."

"Perfect!  Come on in."

Shelia begins to like St. Peter, and spends many days chatting with him.  Over the course of a few months, she watches time after time as he gives people skill testing questions of words exactly three letters each.  But one day, St. Peter informs her that he has been called up to talk to the Big Guy.  He tells her it would mean a lot of she would mind the gate.  She agrees to.

A few minutes later she is shocked to see her husband walking towards her.  "Henry!  What are you doing here?  What happened."

"Sheila, is that really you?  I missed you so much."

Sheila is touched, she'd missed him too.  "What have you been up to since I was gone?"

"Oh, sweetheart, I've been really busy.  I sold the house, I know you never wanted me to, but you knew how much I wanted a larger home.  And then, you remember my secretary Cathy that you kept asking me to fire?  Telling me all she wanted was to get into my pants?  Well we started seeing each other and got married!  And then I quit my job deciding we could live off your insurance money as Cathy really didn't want to work anymore anyway."  Turning from her, Henry heads to go through the pearly gates, but Sheila stops him.

"Not so fast, before you go in, you have to answer a skill testing question."

"Okay, shoot."

Without batting an eye lash, Sheila replies.  "Spell Czechoslovakia"

If you got this far, Maryanne, I hope you enjoyed. :)  {{{hugs}}} EsMay

And thank you everyone for your comments to my post about my friend and our long DD talk, I promise to reply to those asap. :)


  1. Very cute Es May...thanks so much! The last one is my favorite. ;)

    Hugs and Blessings...

    1. LOL Glad you enjoyed, Cat. :)

  2. LoL Es May, love these! Thanks for the giggle :)

    I just about spat my drink reading the punch line to the second one LoL. Of course I don't mind. In fact, I think I'll take it as a compliment :)


    1. LOL Hopefully you are okay after almost choking on your drink. :) LOL And glad that you liked, hehe.

  3. Those were fun! I liked the last one the best. :)

    1. I have to admit, Sara, it's made me laugh a good deal in telling it here or there. ;)

  4. Aw, fun! I always love some jokes!! :)

  5. Lol EsMay! These were fun - and I loved being included - thank you!
    I'm sure Maryanne will appreciate these too!
    big hugs,

    1. Cali, you are welcome. :) And I am glad that you enjoyed. :)

  6. Lol these were funny and I had never heard them before, thanks for sharing.

    1. Hehehe, Kenzie, I am so glad that you liked. :)

  7. Oh goodness! Poor Es May, I'm sure the guy was really quite happy to get stuck to you. :)

    1. LOL Aw Anastasia, thank you. :) I never thought of looking at it that way. hehehe


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