UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

The First Steps Back

Last night went better than I thought it would be.  Yes, we still have ground to cover, but we make great strides!

My husband told me it was time for maintenance last night.  I really needed more time to talk, and admitted it to him.  I went with him, but asked if we could clarify a few things before he took me over his knee.  He said yes.

I told him it was great that he was seeing how I needed this, and how it would help him as well.  Yet, I needed to know his commitment level.  He admitted he was very committed.  But I could tell by how he was talking that he was committed to trying this with me, but I needed to know if we were committed to this for life. 

If I can break down my final walls to be totally submissive to him, I'm not sure I would know how to put them back if he backed away from DD.  Also, if I make myself that openly vulnerable to him... I'm afraid of going back.  I'm also, as I stated in my last post, needing to not be in control anymore.  But I'd much rather have to stay in control than to give it away, only to be told later I need to be in control again because DD isn't what he might like.  I think once I can let go, it would be too depressing to go back.

But he is committed! :)  He told me he understood this is for life.  He told me he knew I needed to have the consistency, to have him step up, and for him to be in control.  I told him that more than control, I needed him to lead, and I was submitting myself to let him lead me, to guide me.

It was a great talk, much more was said, but I can't remember it all.  And then he gave me the longest spanking I've had yet, though I don't know if it was the hardest.  Still, I'm surprised my bottom barely hurts today.  He gave me a long lecture/talk time of things I need to work on, ways I'm doing good, doing better, and how we're going to move forward.  He was doing the warm up at this time, and after 40-50 swats I said "I thought we were doing a warm up!?"  Not nasty, only in shock, but boy did it already sting a LOT.  He checked on me a few times during the spanking to see how I was doing, he used the bathbrush, and then he got me to do corner time and talked to me again, reaffirming all he talked to me about before. 

I asked Hubby afterwards when we'd do another maintenance, he looked at me wide eyed and said "Saturday, like usual."  So I admitted that I think I'll need at least one more in between, probably two if I'm going to get to a real state of submission.  He said we could do that, and then we just cuddled.

Knowing I have his commitment, knowing we have clear steps to make this work for us, I have so much peace.  I was told today to rest, and I did.  My house is not clean, and normally that would freak me right out.  But not today.  Knowing I'm not allowed to wear myself out is great.  Knowing he's taking care of me this way... makes me feel so loved, so secure.  So even though I didn't feel really submissive last night, now that I've thought about his rules for me today, I really do now.  I can't believe the change.  I didn't think we'd accomplish this much in a day.  We never could have before DD. 

So if you read yesterday, you can see how much better I'm feeling emotionally today. :)  Thank you all for your support.  It was great to have you all behind me.  Not having anyone to talk to here, I really needed that, and am so thankful for you all!  {{{HUGS}}}

10 comments:

  1. Great post. I have had the same fears about committing to DD and how I would handle it if we had to go back to our pre-DD lives. I am not sure how it would work and it almost kept me from brining it up all together. I guess its a chance you take but DD offer so many benefits i think its work trying it out atleast.

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    1. Being on the other side of my struggles this week, I find it all worth it. But a few days ago, I might not have said that. But my husband agreed again tonight that we need this, and that helps so much. I think he's finally all in. It is definitely work trying out. :) Nice to meet you, and welcome to my blog. :)

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  2. Hy hunny

    I'm so pleased things are looking up. I know how hurt you must have been feeling, these last few days. Remember we all go through this phase, of worrying about how we would cope if it all goes wrong:( but we have to trust and believe that we will make it.
    So glad your husband is no fully on board. Keep the communication going x

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    1. Hi Missy, thank you so much. I am glad he is on board too. He's not a great communicator, but I believe all the talking DD requires will really help. :) He's sharing more with me lately than he ever has. :)

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  3. Hi Es May, I'm glad to hear you are feeling positive and that you had a good conversation and your husband has reassured you of his commitment to ttwd. You are not alone in your fears about going back to pre Dd days. It is a common fear, especially early on in the dynamic.

    You really now need to let him continue to lead and trust in him to do so.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. I am glad that I am not alone in my fear. For the first time, it feels great to have been able to step back and give up control. I know there will come a time when it will push past what I'm willing to give, and then I'll struggle, but like you said, I need to let him lead and trust him to do so. {{{HUGS}}} Thank you so much, Roz. :)

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  4. I'm glad you are feeling better Es May! Sometimes life (sickness, whatever) gets in the way a bit, but I think the further you go along, the easier it becomes to get back on track when you derail. Or, at the very least, you become more confident in knowing what steps to take to get you back to where you want to be.

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    1. You are so right. Had we had to have this discussion months ago, I'm not sure how easy it would have been to get back on track, if we did at all. I felt so down this week, but I realized it could have been much worse, and we have grown. :)

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  5. Yay! I know that here the spanking piece changes quite a bit based on our needs at any given time BUT the leadership part doesn't. Once they take on that mantle and are committed, it seems like most of them love it.

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    1. Thank you, Susie! :) That gives me real hope about this working long term. :)

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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