I don't even know where to begin about this week. It's been hectic, crazy, many meetings, and things to get done, and it's been AMAZING!!!! {Sorry this ended up being a bit long, feel free to skip if you'd like.}
We hit a year of doing DD, I can't tell you the day we decided a year ago, I don't know, but I know it was sometime in November. But let me tell you, a switch went off for the Duke around the year mark, and OH MY GOODNESS!
After losing 30lbs this year, I was DEVASTATED to see the scale start going up in the past two weeks, and not just a little, but 7lbs! The last day it happened, I was having a hard week, was really down for some reason, I just couldn't get out of a funk, and started beating myself up over the weight gain. I called myself stupid and a few other things I can't even remember, and then went off to get ready for work.
Well, that night, it started. We were out running an errand and I picked up a couple of chocolate bars. The Duke told me to put them back. I looked at him shocked. I have been eating really healthy, but I do like to have a few chocolate bars around to nibble on. I figure nibbling here or there is better than an all out binge when I get a bad craving. But he wouldn't have it. He said I could get one because it was a while before we could stop to eat, but other than that, to put the rest away. I was shocked...and slightly hurt.
When we were at the counter, I saw bite sized bars, packs of six or eight. I asked if we could get one of those then. He said no. I was shocked again. Seeing how many people were around us, I didn't make a big deal, but was struggling with how I felt. Once we were in the car, I asked him why he hadn't let me get the bars. He looked into my eyes with so much love and care that it got hard to breathe. He reminded me that I had been very upset this morning, and it hard hurt him to see me so upset with myself. He also didn't want me putting myself in situations in which I would feel like a failure, and then beat myself up. So he said starting now, he was going to pay more attention to my diet and exercise so that I can be happy when I get on the scales again. I miss my chocolate, I do not miss the 5 or so lbs that have already come back off! :)
I want to tell you that that is our week. Oh, but that is so little! All the sudden I'm getting away with NOTHING. Oh, and I DEFINITELY mean nothing. The other day we got his test results back. They were what I thought, there is absolutely nothing in him keeping us from getting pregnant. I knew this, or assumed it... but when I was told, all the sudden I couldn't breathe. My heart hurt so much I just couldn't take it. All the sudden, the reality of it all sat on my chest, smothering me. It REALLY IS ME and my body that is keeping us from having kids. I knew it, or thought I did, but all the sudden the reality was too much for me to bear. I shut down. So many things have been going wrong lately, so many things that if I was a different person would be better, so many things I can't change, that would be so simple for other women, and this was just icing on the cake. I was lost. The Duke asked what was wrong, and I couldn't tell him. I mean, what was I going to say? "Sorry Sweetie, I'm devastated that you're healthy and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you." Yeah, that wasn't going to go over so well in my head. He kept asking, I wouldn't talk to him. I mean, physically, at times, I couldn't even get words out if I wanted to.
Finally he was done asking, and put me over his lap and told me that I was going to tell him what was wrong. I was no longer allowed to hide how I felt from him just because I didn't want to hurt him. And spank he did. And spank, and spank. Still, I couldn't talk. Finally, after my bottom was on fire, I admitted to him. Not because I was in the mindset to talk, but because I was getting bored of being spanked. I just wanted to do something else. Not because I minded the pain, but I needed something to distract myself. I told him how much of a failure I felt all around. I told him that nothing I was doing was turning out right, and how hard I work to fight this disease, and yet it's still winning. :( And then it happened, I don't know why, I feel so stupid for it now, and did as soon as it was over. I started hyperventilating and fighting him. He wouldn't stop holding me, and I was suffocating. I fought, and he ordered me to calm down while holding me tight to him. All the sudden I was no longer in control, I can't even begin to tell you why, but my breath got shallower and shallower, and I couldn't stop panicking, by the end I was literally choking from my throat closing. Finally he spoke forcefully enough for me to hear. I fell to the bed behind me, and just fought to get air in, the whole time he kept holding me. I admitted later that his holding me actually hindered my ability to breathe because I felt so closed in. But I saw also his love and concern in the moment.
I didn't know I could do that, and it scared the life out of me. It's forced me to come to a lot of decisions this week. Some hurt, but they have to. I can't let my want for children be this strong. I have tried for a long time to not want children, and have never been able to over come it, but now I have to focus on finding ways to be happy, even if this never happens. Yes, there have been many tears in this decision, even writing that this is the plan now has tears in my eyes, but that also shows how exhausted I am right now from everything that has been dragging me down.
The Duke stepped up yet again when yesterday morning I woke up in a bit of a funk. I don't know why, I think it's just all that has been going on, we have not had a night in weeks where we could just hang out. It was wearing on me. So he tried to hug me and get me to talk to him, you'd think I'd learned after the bottom roasting the other night, but I didn't. So right there in the kitchen he wrapped one arm across the front of my shoulders, and spanked me with his free hand. I think this needing to talk about things right away might be good for me. I used to always need time to process, but with being so overwhelmed right now with everything, taking that time has been meaning me getting into some pretty depressed frames of mind.
Also, we found out I have a severe case of Tennis Elbow in my right elbow, and moderate case of Tendinitis in my right shoulder. There were days it was becoming literally useless. I couldn't even wring out a wet cloth, hold a pack of paper, or even get through a nights sleep with the pain. I didn't want to worry people, so very few people knew unless they caught me trying to do something and failing. Well after a few months the Duke ORDERED me to go last week to the doctor. I've been put on advil 3x a day, and voltarin rub 3x a day. The Duke has been making me let him put it on for me at night. Well yesterday morning he took my sweater and unzipped it, now him putting on the cream was not my first thought. ;) But when he slipped my arm out of the sweater, that is just what he did. When I went to put my arm back in, he did that for me, and when I went to zip back up, he removed my hands and did it for me. I have never been taken care of save for the week in the hospital before we lost our son. No one raised me, I was the older of four and had to raise them. I don't know how to be cared for, and my heart just melted.
And then last night happened. Showing you the bear jars last week might have given you a hint into this, but there are times that I don't feel or act 35. Sometimes I'm told I act very innocent, naively, uninhibited. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed in situations I should be able to handle, sometimes I get really excited over little things, the bear jars a prime example. lol The Duke and I have been talking a lot about this lately, and some of you in blogland have been helping me figure out the whys of all of this too. THANK YOU! And then last night happened... the Duke was sitting there smiling the biggest smile I've ever seen from him. I asked him "What?" Just one word. His eyes which were already tender turned even more so. "You're looking at me all sweet and child like. All peaceful. I like it."
I thought about it, and figured he must have been right. I was finally feeling carefree, I was letting go of the stresses of the past weeks, and years. I was burying some dreams, and ready to create new ones. I was loving his stepping up to rescue me so often this week. In that moment, for maybe the first time ever, I didn't have to worry about something. He had me. God has me, and we've been having a lot of talks as well. I'm learning new trusts in Him that I didn't know possible. And in all that, I was finally able to just let go, relax, and just be the me I've craved for for so long. The me that can let go and let someone else take care of me. I've wanted to be cared for for so long, and there was no one there to do it. I am feeling so loved right now.
But in that, I've also noticed changes in me. I'm asking permission for everything. To the point I asked for something today that was only five dollars, and the Duke flat out said no. I didn't understand why, but he said no. Now the Duke is not often cautious with money, even when we need to be, but he's been stepping up in that department too, and I guess I'm shocked, as a year ago, I could have anything I asked for. So I could chose to pout, which I highly entertained the idea for a moment, or move on. We were in the new target the other day, the Duke wanted to look around. I thought that meant a look around. To him it meant look at every aisle in the store. I was so tired, I'd worked a long day, and wanted to go home after the first twenty minutes we'd looked around together. But I wanted to be respectful for him, so I kept wandering around the aisles around him to kill time as he'd stand in front of some displays for several long minutes and I'd get bored. I realized after a bit that I wasn't being very respectful in doing so. So I instead went to stay by his side the rest of the time. But literally two minutes later, he ushered us to the check out and then out of the store. I told him I was sorry, that by taking so long to realize to do the right thing, I'd kept us from shopping together for half the time we were there. He then told me that when I kept coming and going, he thought I was having a good time, and it wasn't until I stayed by his side that he could actually see I was exhausted, and that he needed to get me home. Awww.
So anyway, learning to talk in ways I'd never realized, and realizing the Duke can really pay way more attention to me than I ever dreamed. Yes, my bottom is warm more often lately, but so is my heart! :)
I am still exhausted while writing this, so if anything does not make sense, I am terribly sorry. Found out today that a friend died in a car crash yesterday, and then one of the few actors I really respect, found out he died in much the same way last night, and I'm actually quite shocked how much it bothered me to hear of it today. :( So not everything may have made sense. I have a crazy week a head, and then thankfully a couple of nice calm weeks before the mayhem with Christmas and the Duke's family and the wedding I have to be in on the 28th. So hopefully in that time in between I can slow down and catch up on relaxing and resting. :)
PS, I have been commenting on the blogs I read, but I go back and see a lot of them aren't showing up. :( So I think it might be this temporary computer or something. I am so sorry! I hope to have my laptop back in a couple of days, and hopefully then my comments will work again. Sorry to anyone who think I'm ignoring them, I'm not. {{{HUGS}}}