UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Monday, December 09, 2013

What I've Learned This Year - Part 4 - I Can Let It Go

Tried to keep this one short and sweet. :)

I was the head of our household before DD.  I hated the role, but I did it, because someone had to be.  I have always had a lot of responsibility since I was but four years old.

Now?  Not so much, and I LOVE it.

Now,

- I do a lot less housework because the Duke steps beside me and helps
- I'm told when not feeling well to sit down and tell the Duke what I need
- I'm told to calm down when I'm starting to feel worked up
- I'm held when I'm frightened and know I'm not alone
- My tears are encouraged because the Duke knows they bring healing
- I've been encouraged to carry a less volunteer load to free up more time and cause less stress
- Told when to go to bed, so now I have to choose what is really important to be done, and the rest can wait, and it really can wait
- Am asked more often when stressed if what is bothering me really matters
- Am told to share what is bothering me, this is non-negotiable now
- Have started asking the Duke to take over/help on financial items and budgeting and such
- Am questioned often now if I've done the things I need to do to stay healthy
- Have someone checking on oil changes and gas gauges instead of just me
- Have someone that tells me when to say no to things
- Have someone I can ask permission to, especialy when I'm weary about something, and that doesn't make me feel hindered, it makes me think that I don't have to worry about the decision, he'll make it, I just have to follow it.

It's not all about what I can do.  It's not all up to me to get everything done now.  And with that, there is a freedom.  For the first time that I can ever remember, I'm barely dreaming.  I used to dream several dreams a night, every night.  More nightmares than I cared for, and a lot of senseless dreams.  But in the past three months at least, maybe longer, I don't know that I've dreamt ten times.  I think it's because my mind is less worried, less stressed, less full of things that need to be done.  I've got someone helping me now, and in a lot of cases, completely taking over.  I am learning to rest.  I'm learning to take time to just do things for myself, and it feels wonderful.

Duke, thank you for loving me enough to take care of me in all these areas and more.  {{{HUGS}}}

Friday, December 06, 2013

What I've Learned This Year - Part 3 - Goodbye Pride

First of all, in writing these posts of what I've learned this year, I really hope I don't come off as knowing it all, or what have you.  Let me tell you, I still have SO much learning to do, we both do, we both still struggle, a lot, but thought it'd be nice to share what I have learned in case it can help someone else out there...

Actually, I am currently waiting on a spanking that will happen later tonight for saying a swear word today... and it wasn't one of the tamer ones either, for being snippy, rude, basically on the verge of yelling, and well, just down right disagreeable.  When I told the Duke how much better I was doing in this area, and had spent an hour before coming out of our room to try to better get my bad mood under wraps, and would have stayed longer if I didn't need to get ready for work... he admitted he has seen major progress.  The times I'm like that are way less often, and a lot less severe... but he is right too, it needs to be dealt with so that it doesn't get out of hand.  He gave me a bit of a spanking, all that we had time for, this morning... the rest is tonight...

So, anyway, another thing I learned this year is that there is no place for pride in DD.  At least not in our DD marriage.  I basically have had to kiss my pride goodbye and send it packing... okay, parts of it, some parts I'm still not winning the fight over, but I'll get there, someday. :)

I won't lie, I am like many other women, I want my husband to be able to read my  mind, SOME of the time.  But to be honest, I'd be down right terrified if he could read it all of the time.  So, unfortunately, we don't get a say in this matter, it's not even an all or nothing, it's flat out nothing.  They can't read our minds... my husband included. 

And Duke, if you ever aquire this skill, we may have to start living in different zip codes! ;)

Because the Duke can't read my mind, this year has been a year in learning to swallow my pride.  Yes, it's hurt, even physically.  Lumps in my throat, heart pounding, palms sweating, shallow breathing, nothing short of panic at times.  I mean, DD is about communication, being open, and honest.  So, sometimes I need something... and I'm afraid to admit it.  I might need a spanking, I might need him to know I don't like how I just talked and want him to call me on it from now on, I might need him to see I'm doing something I believe is self destructive, I might need to admit to an offense he wasn't around for.  The Duke might not have seen the signals to any of these, and in all honesty, sometimes I show too well that I'm doing quite alright when I'm literally about to fall to pieces, or am painfully hiding something.  He can't read my mind, waiting for him to do so means I could be waiting for days, or weeks, all the while, spiraling out of control.  This is not good for me, since my PTSD and Post Partum with Grief, I am very susceptable to getting into dark moods, fast.  I am told because of how both rearranged the chemicals in my brain, I'm always going to wrestle with fighting the dark days... I think it helps to know that so that I'm better prepared and not beating myself up when a few years later, I still struggle at times.  My best friend's fiance says "She can go from happy to dark in 0-60."  That is why when he found out we do DD, and my friend was panicked, he was over the moon about it.  He saw right away that this would be good for me.  Yeah, that was embarrassing.  Nothing like another man saying, "yeah, she needs to be spanked".  lol

Anyway, the best way to fight off these dark moments that threaten to overwhelm me is to be honest with the Duke.  Sometimes just talking is all I need, sometimes I need a spanking, usually I need both.  I'm used to trying all I can not to bother the Duke, at least over things that take time.  But talking and spanking both take time.  The Duke likes to have time to himself each night, knowing I could be keeping that from happening was really scary to me.  But when he found out I was holding back, he told me to tell him.  Now I do, sometimes it means the Duke ends up with no time to himself one night here or there because dealing with me has taken all night... but he's letting me know I'm worth it, and in all honesty, when we look at it, it's only maybe one night a month month, sometimes not even, and in the whole grand scheme of things, that isn't too often.  I also worried in sharing that he'd get panicked and think that being dark meant I was suicidal, too much to handle, or not worth the effort anymore.  But he doesn't think that.  He knows this isn't my choice, and he knows I really fight on those days to be okay.

I've also had to learn to be more open because of some of my rules.  One rule that had to be made is that I'm to let him know whenever I'm in the mood... I have a much higher drive than the Duke, and sometimes if we have a busy week, and I'm struggling for days, I end up physically frustrated, and we've noticed that leaves me feeling lost and insecure and even frightened for some reason... it has been an embarrassing learning time to have to tell him exactly how often I'm actually like this... REALLY EMBARRASSING!  I know, it shouldn't be.... but it is really hard for me.

I'm also to not hold in my feelings anymore.  No holding in anger, hurt, fears, needs, he's to know them all.  There is nothing like sitting there, in front of the man you love, afraid that all the changes you've needed from DD already might be too much, and yet you have another need, and will this be the one that drives him over the deep end?  But I'm not allowed to hide these inside anymore.  And in truth, it's not good for me to do so, but man, is it ever hard to share some of these things.  Sometimes I feel quite stupid or childish for my needs, fears, and what have you.  Sometimes I wonder how many sharing times am I away from him having me committed.

And lets not forget the fact that spanking in and of itself is saying goodbye to one's pride.  Here, it may not start bare, but it always ends bare.  I mean, seriously?  I am not friends with my cellulite!  I don't want the Duke to be either.  But, there you have it, they have become friends, and the Duke has become very fond at paying attention to that part of my body.  It's hard to admit I need a spanking, at first it was even harder climbing over his lap.  I felt ridiculous, and who in their right mind wants this, let alone feels they need it?  But need it I did, and I had to be willing to swallow my pride to get what I needed.  And so, being spanked was me having to swallow my pride in several different areas.

Each time I said goodbye to another piece of pride, it was really hard... but I wouldn't take it back for the world.  Yes, I'm very open and vulnerable to the Duke now, times he hurts me by mistake hurt way worse now, but that's okay.  Because I'm also more carefree, I trust more, I grew up never being able to trust anyone, it's so freeing to finally be able to let go.  No secret needs, fears and what have you mean I'm always being checked on, and taken care of.  I worried that at some point the Duke would make fun of me for something I shared.  To date, I cannot recall a time that ever happened, and now I realize it won't happen.

Saying goodbye to parts of my pride has meant a new level of communication, a new level of us being one together.  My walls have come down, and if there are more I don't know about, we'll work through them too. 

Now don't get me wrong, I still have pride, it does STILL get me into trouble, but I'm learning more and more how to let it go.  Each time I do, I feel more submissive, I feel more softness entering, I feel contentment rising up in me, I feel joy surging through my veins.  If you told me last year one thing I'd learn to do is give up pride, I might have walked away.  Now, it's one of the biggest blessings I've gotten from this lifestyle.  The Duke wants me open and receptive to him, and I'm finding that's just what I want too. :)

I hope in sharing all this, I have not frightened anyone off, it really is a huge blessing to me and the Duke, and I definitely believe it was worth every awkward moment.  Our marriage is getting good now, and the more I get a handle on my pride, the more amazing it will grow. 

This post was really hard to share, and it too was letting go of some of my pride, but this is good for me.  I hope I didn't over share, and I'm really sorry if I did.

The Duke just came in and told me it's time for my spanking from this morning... perfect timing I'd say... except now I wish I had more to say so that I'd need to write longer. ;)  J/K... see you all later.  Let's hope I can actually sit to read your comments later...

Wednesday, December 04, 2013

What I've Learned This Year - Part 2 - Room To Grow

I am posting this a head of time as I'm out all night, but don't want to forget the things I'm thinking about right now.  So if I haven't gotten to my last night's comments before this comes out, I will do my best to get to them before bedtime. :)

So, when I started out DD, I had all these dreams of grandeur, you know, the Duke would of course want to step up right away, he'd want to take control, I mean, what man wouldn't want to have a woman bowing to their every wish?  ;)  And part of this dreaming was of him forcing me to take a punishment when I would fight.  It was naturally in me to fight, but I thought of how romantic it would be if he told me I had no choice in the matter, and if need be, grab and pull me over his lap himself, being the true alpha male.  {yep, a swooning scene from a novel}

As you can guess, that didn't happen.  On the times I did fight in the beginning of DD, I sent him two totally opposite signals.  My mouth was saying I wanted this, my actions were fighting him every step of the way and saying I didn't want this.  {can't you just hear the men saying we act like this on so many things as women? ;)  *groan*  They'd be right.  lol}  It didn't take long for me to realize that him not being a natural leader meant I had to give him room to grow into his role. 

What did that mean for me?  I had to stop fighting, I had to crawl over his lap without question even when everything in me told me to run, because when I did run, I could see his frustration.  I was asking him to step up and lead, and yet was doing all I could to make sure he failed.  YIKES.  That was scary.  It was a constant fight for a few weeks of him trying to do what he felt I wanted, and me making him feel like a complete and utter failure.

So when I started to cooperate, and when I started to listen to him without question, his confidence grew.  And as his confidence grew, then he could handle the times when I really was having a hard time submitting.  Now, if I fight, which I still try not to do, but lets face it, I'm human and FEMALE, it happens, so now when I do, he's got the confidence that he's got this, and he can lead me, whether I'm in the mood to follow in the moment or not.  Now he really can take me over his lap without question, even if I fight... which I won't tell you the last time that was... *cough* *cough*  Yes, I'm still growing on the submission, I'm working on it. ;)  Let's just say I'm way better than I was, and still have room to grow. ;)  Does the fact that I think I was hormonal make me any less guilty in this situation???

So, it took months and months of work for him to get this confidence to take me over his knee, whether I was willing or not, to force me to do what was right, whether I was a happy camper about it or not.  I had to be patient.  I had to remember that I'd wanted this, DD, for many months before we started.  He needed time to process and catch up.  I had to remember to congratulate him sincerely, or thank him when he did stand up, and explain to him how that made me feel loved, secure, and even more attracted to him.  I also had to encourage him on his down days, to let him know I believed in him, that he'd make mistakes and it was okay, we'd work through them together, and that he didn't have to be perfect.  I had to invest in what was best for him, and not spend all of my focus on me.  I couldn't push him.  Oh, I tried here or there... want to talk about another confidence buster!  Yeah, "Honey, can you lead me?  But I want you to do it this way, and this way, and this way.  Don't deviate from the plan, okay?"  Yeah, like I said yesterday, I did a bit of this.  How can they have confidence if we're the ones giving the orders?

So I guess what I'm saying in all of this is, if you're new to DD, and struggling, maybe make sure you're giving him the room to grow in his confidence.  If you're not, don't be afraid to step back.  Don't be afraid to work on his confidence.  Yes, you might be at the end of your rope, I was.  I was ready to give up on having a good marriage and had nothing left to give.  But I had to.  I had to say thanks even if I didn't feel it, I had to encourage when I wanted to throw in the towel, but the more I did, the more I honestly felt truly thankful, and really like encouraging him. 

The Duke had been taught his whole life that he couldn't be trusted to lead.  He had been taught to be submissive to women and not fight them.  A friend even joked with him constantly to learn how to say "Yes, Dear." and say it often.  Yes it was joking, but yet another way in which men are told that women get the final say.  I had to fight his whole upbringing, and that doesn't change over night.  On days I had nothing left to give, I just asked myself what I really wanted, and what were the steps to get there.  And more often than not, helping the Duke believe in himself was the answer.  It took many months for all of this, almost the whole last year, but that's okay, we're talking about having rewired most of our marriage in a sense.

If you find you're struggling like we did, talk to us {blogland} about it.  Anyone here in blogland.  They gave me the support I needed to keep fighting to make my marriage work, they can help you too. :)  You can seek help, vent if you need, or just find strength from those who have been there before.

Tuesday, December 03, 2013

What I've Learned This Year - Part 1 - Letting Go

As my first year of blogging approaches, I wanted to share some things I learned along the past year.  If you are new to the journey, maybe they can help you out.  If you've been on the journey for a while, well, you might just be able to sympathize because maybe you made some of the same mistakes, or triumps. :)

Today, I look back, and see how idealistic I was.  Now, don't get me wrong, I think in order to start this journey, it has to be that way.  But in my idealistic view, I had it in my head just how the Duke would act, think, and speak. 

Yep, laugh.  I'll stop for a minute.

Done yet? ;)  Still need more time?

LOL

So, when the Duke did start stepping up, it did NOT look anything like the vision in my head.  Please, DON'T ask him how many times I said "But you're not supposed to do it this way!"  Yes, I am hanging my head in shame, it was more than I can probably count on BOTH HANDS!  *so embarrassed*  Okay, not so much, because I needed this growing experience.  I mean, honestly, if he acted just how I wanted... who really would be in charge here?

This is when real submission can start, when your husband goes off "your" course and onto his own.  Now he's really leading.  Now manipulation, little hints, suggestions, flat out begging, they no longer work.  He's figured an idea out in his head, and he's going to go with it.  And that is SO OKAY! :) 

Yes, there are times I don't like what the Duke is going to do... but to be honest, I probably need the correction even more in those moments.  I probably need the words of correction, the tone, THE LOOK.  Oh, none of you get the look?  *whistling innocently*  Um... me neither then. ;)

DD is so different than I dreamed.  Bad?  Not a chance.  It's SO MUCH BETTER. :)

I think I'll try every couple days to write something short that I've learned this year until my year marker. :)  That is if I don't bore you all before then. ;)

Sunday, December 01, 2013

A Lot Going On

I don't even know where to begin about this week.  It's been hectic, crazy, many meetings, and things to get done, and it's been AMAZING!!!!  {Sorry this ended up being a bit long, feel free to skip if you'd like.}

We hit a year of doing DD, I can't tell you the day we decided a year ago, I don't know, but I know it was sometime in November.  But let me tell you, a switch went off for the Duke around the year mark, and OH MY GOODNESS!

After losing 30lbs this year, I was DEVASTATED to see the scale start going up in the past two weeks, and not just a little, but 7lbs!  The last day it happened, I was having a hard week, was really down for some reason, I just couldn't get out of a funk, and started beating myself up over the weight gain.  I called myself stupid and a few other things I can't even remember, and then went off to get ready for work.

Well, that night, it started.  We were out running an errand and I picked up a couple of chocolate bars.  The Duke told me to put them back.  I looked at him shocked.  I have been eating really healthy, but I do like to have a few chocolate bars around to nibble on.  I figure nibbling here or there is better than an all out binge when I get a bad craving.  But he wouldn't have it.  He said I could get one because it was a while before we could stop to eat, but other than that, to put the rest away.  I was shocked...and slightly hurt.

When we were at the counter, I saw bite sized bars, packs of six or eight.  I asked if we could get one of those then.  He said no.  I was shocked again.  Seeing how many people were around us, I didn't make a big deal, but was struggling with how I felt.  Once we were in the car, I asked him why he hadn't let me get the bars.  He looked into my eyes with so much love and care that it got hard to breathe.  He reminded me that I had been very upset this morning, and it hard hurt him to see me so upset with myself.  He also didn't want me putting myself in situations in which I would feel like a failure, and then beat myself up.  So he said starting now, he was going to pay more attention to my diet and exercise so that I can be happy when I get on the scales again.  I miss my chocolate, I do not miss the 5 or so lbs that have already come back off! :)

I want to tell you that that is our week.  Oh, but that is so little!  All the sudden I'm getting away with NOTHING.  Oh, and I DEFINITELY mean nothing. The other day we got his test results back.  They were what I thought, there is absolutely nothing in him keeping us from getting pregnant.  I knew this, or assumed it... but when I was told, all the sudden I couldn't breathe.  My heart hurt so much I just couldn't take it.  All the sudden, the reality of it all sat on my chest, smothering me.  It REALLY IS ME and my body that is keeping us from having kids.  I knew it, or thought I did, but all the sudden the reality was too much for me to bear.  I shut down.  So many things have been going wrong lately, so many things that if I was a different person would be better, so many things I can't change, that would be so simple for other women, and this was just icing on the cake.  I was lost.  The Duke asked what was wrong, and I couldn't tell him.  I mean, what was I going to say?  "Sorry Sweetie, I'm devastated that you're healthy and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you."  Yeah, that wasn't going to go over so well in my head.  He kept asking, I wouldn't talk to him.  I mean, physically, at times, I couldn't even get words out if I wanted to.

Finally he was done asking, and put me over his lap and told me that I was going to tell him what was wrong.  I was no longer allowed to hide how I felt from him just because I didn't want to hurt him.  And spank he did.  And spank, and spank.  Still, I couldn't talk.  Finally, after my bottom was on fire, I admitted to him.  Not because I was in the mindset to talk, but because I was getting bored of being spanked.  I just wanted to do something else.  Not because I minded the pain, but I needed something to distract myself.  I told him how much of a failure I felt all around.  I told him that nothing I was doing was turning out right, and how hard I work to fight this disease, and yet it's still winning. :(  And then it happened, I don't know why, I feel so stupid for it now, and did as soon as it was over.  I started hyperventilating and fighting him.  He wouldn't stop holding me, and I was suffocating.  I fought, and he ordered me to calm down while holding me tight to him.  All the sudden I was no longer in control, I can't even begin to tell you why, but my breath got shallower and shallower, and I couldn't stop panicking, by the end I was literally choking from my throat closing.  Finally he spoke forcefully enough for me to hear.  I fell to the bed behind me, and just fought to get air in, the whole time he kept holding me.  I admitted later that his holding me actually hindered my ability to breathe because I felt so closed in.  But I saw also his love and concern in the moment.

I didn't know I could do that, and it scared the life out of me.  It's forced me to come to a lot of decisions this week.  Some hurt, but they have to.  I can't let my want for children be this strong.  I have tried for a long time to not want children, and have never been able to over come it, but now I have to focus on finding ways to be happy, even if this never happens.  Yes, there have been many tears in this decision, even writing that this is the plan now has tears in my eyes, but that also shows how exhausted I am right now from everything that has been dragging me down.

The Duke stepped up yet again when yesterday morning I woke up in a bit of a funk.  I don't know why, I think it's just all that has been going on, we have not had a night in weeks where we could just hang out.  It was wearing on me.  So he tried to hug me and get me to talk to him, you'd think I'd learned after the bottom roasting the other night, but I didn't.  So right there in the kitchen he wrapped one arm across the front of my shoulders, and spanked me with his free hand.  I think this needing to talk about things right away might be good for me.  I used to always need time to process, but with being so overwhelmed right now with everything, taking that time has been meaning me getting into some pretty depressed frames of mind.

Also, we found out I have a severe case of Tennis Elbow in my right elbow, and moderate case of Tendinitis in my right shoulder.  There were days it was becoming literally useless.  I couldn't even wring out a wet cloth, hold a pack of paper, or even get through a nights sleep with the pain.  I didn't want to worry people, so very few people knew unless they caught me trying to do something and failing.  Well after a few months the Duke ORDERED me to go last week to the doctor.  I've been put on advil 3x a day, and voltarin rub 3x a day.  The Duke has been making me let him put it on for me at night.  Well yesterday morning he took my sweater and unzipped it, now him putting on the cream was not my first thought. ;)  But when he slipped my arm out of the sweater, that is just what he did.  When I went to put my arm back in, he did that for me, and when I went to zip back up, he removed my hands and did it for me.  I have never been taken care of save for the week in the hospital before we lost our son.  No one raised me, I was the older of four and had to raise them.  I don't know how to be cared for, and my heart just melted.

And then last night happened.  Showing you the bear jars last week might have given you a hint into this, but there are times that I don't feel or act 35.  Sometimes I'm told I act very innocent, naively, uninhibited.  Sometimes I'm overwhelmed in situations I should be able to handle, sometimes I get really excited over little things, the bear jars a prime example.  lol  The Duke and I have been talking a lot about this lately, and some of you in blogland have been helping me figure out the whys of all of this too.  THANK YOU!  And then last night happened... the Duke was sitting there smiling the biggest smile I've ever seen from him.  I asked him "What?"  Just one word.  His eyes which were already tender turned even more so.  "You're looking at me all sweet and child like.  All peaceful.  I like it."

I thought about it, and figured he must have been right.  I was finally feeling carefree, I was letting go of the stresses of the past weeks, and years.  I was burying some dreams, and ready to create new ones.  I was loving his stepping up to rescue me so often this week.  In that moment, for maybe the first time ever, I didn't have to worry about something.  He had me.  God has me, and we've been having a lot of talks as well.  I'm learning new trusts in Him that I didn't know possible.  And in all that, I was finally able to just let go, relax, and just be the me I've craved for for so long.  The me that can let go and let someone else take care of me.  I've wanted to be cared for for so long, and there was no one there to do it.  I am feeling so loved right now.

But in that, I've also noticed changes in me.  I'm asking permission for everything.  To the point I asked for something today that was only five dollars, and the Duke flat out said no.  I didn't understand why, but he said no.  Now the Duke is not often cautious with money, even when we need to be, but he's been stepping up in that department too, and I guess I'm shocked, as a year ago, I could have anything I asked for.  So I could chose to pout, which I highly entertained the idea for a moment, or move on.  We were in the new target the other day, the Duke wanted to look around.  I thought that meant a look around.  To him it meant look at every aisle in the store.  I was so tired, I'd worked a long day, and wanted to go home after the first twenty minutes we'd looked around together.  But I wanted to be respectful for him, so I kept wandering around the aisles around him to kill time as he'd stand in front of some displays for several long minutes and I'd get bored.  I realized after a bit that I wasn't being very respectful in doing so.  So I instead went to stay by his side the rest of the time.  But literally two minutes later, he ushered us to the check out and then out of the store.  I told him I was sorry, that by taking so long to realize to do the right thing, I'd kept us from shopping together for half the time we were there.  He then told me that when I kept coming and going, he thought I was having a good time, and it wasn't until I stayed by his side that he could actually see I was exhausted, and that he needed to get me home.  Awww.

So anyway, learning to talk in ways I'd never realized, and realizing the Duke can really pay way more attention to me than I ever dreamed.  Yes, my bottom is warm more often lately, but so is my heart!  :)

I am still exhausted while writing this, so if anything does not make sense, I am terribly sorry.  Found out today that a friend died in a car crash yesterday, and then one of the few actors I really respect, found out he died in much the same way last night, and I'm actually quite shocked how much it bothered me to hear of it today. :(  So not everything may have made sense.  I have a crazy week a head, and then thankfully a couple of nice calm weeks before the mayhem with Christmas and the Duke's family and the wedding I have to be in on the 28th.  So hopefully in that time in between I can slow down and catch up on relaxing and resting. :) 

PS, I have been commenting on the blogs I read, but I go back and see a lot of them aren't showing up. :(  So I think it might be this temporary computer or something.  I am so sorry!  I hope to have my laptop back in a couple of days, and hopefully then my comments will work again.  Sorry to anyone who think I'm ignoring them,  I'm not.  {{{HUGS}}}

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Maryanne - Jokes For You

Okay, Maryanne, I am behind, but hopefully if you still need entertainment, as I promised in my last post, here it is. :)  These are my four favorite jokes to tell to friends.  One is one Cat told not long ago, so if you read it there, feel free to skip here, it is joke 1. :)  I'll do each joke in a different colour. :)

Joke 1:

A ship of men set out to sea in order to draw the land and see for sea maps.  About a month into their voyage a crewmen calls down from the crows nest.  "Captain!  One pirate ship, dead ahead."

The Captain looks up.  "Come down, and then bring me my red shirt."

The crewman does as he is ordered.  The Captain puts on his red shirt and they fight the pirates as they board the ship and win.

A week later the same crewmen calls down again from his crows nest.  "Captain!  Three pirate ships, dead ahead."

The Captain looks up.  "Come on down then, and bring me my red shirt."

The Captain puts on his read shirt , they go into battle, and defeat each pirate as they board the ship..

The crewmen is so excited, and goes to his Captain.  "Captain, why is it that whenever we see pirates, you ask me to bring you your red shirt?"

The Captain answers.  "The crewmen all look to me when they are fighting.  As long as I am doing okay, they will keep fighting, but if they ever suspected I was ever injured, they would stop fighting and come to tend to me.  I need them focused on the battle at hand, and not me.  So when I'm wearing a red shirt, they will not be able to see if I have been cut and am bleeding."

The crewmen thought this was very noble.  The next week rolled around and yet again the crewman had to call down to his Captain.  "Captain!  Nine pirate ships, dead ahead.  Do you want me to bring you your red shirt?"

"NOOOO."  Said the Captain.  "Bring me my brown pants!" He moaned.

Joke 2: - For this joke, I need to pull in some ladies from blogland.  Roz, Cali Mom, hope you don't mind. ;)  Now usually you make fun on one person, but so that I don't hurt anyone's feelings, I'll be the butt of the joke. ;)

Roz, Cali and EsMay were all traveling in a car when they had an accident.  They arrive at the pearly gates and meet St. Peter.  He welcomes them, and tells them to go right on in.  But first, he must give them a warning.  "Don't step on the ducks!  God loves ducks, they're his favorite animal.  Whatever you do, don't step on any ducks!"

Roz, Cali and EsMay figure this is no problem, so they gladly enter into heaven, all excited to look around.  Three days in, Roz is looking up, amazed at the sky in heaven.  What weird and beautiful colours.  She takes a step forward, and trips, falling on her face.  She looks behind her to see what could have caused this, and sees a duck skuttering away.  She stands to dust herself off, hoping nothing really terrible will happen for this.  But as soon as she is righted, her body is slammed against, and all the sudden she is fused from hip to shoulder with a man.  She takes one look at him and her stomach lurches in her throat.  He is the most repulsive man she has ever seen.  It is all she can do not to be sick to her stomach.

An hour passes when Cali catches up to her, but her smile fades when she sees the man attached to her.  She goes to ask Roz why she is literally attached to this man, when Cali herself steps on a duck.  Cali too is slammed into, and the next thing she knows, she herself is attached to an equally appalling man.  Roz and Cali decide they need to find EsMay to warn her about how serious it really is to step on a duck, and try to get her to avoid they same mistake.

It takes a few hours, but finally, they caught up to her.  Their jaws drop.  EsMay is already attached to a man, but this man is drop dead gorgeous.  The ladies look at his electric blue eyes, chiseled features, and his muscular body and do all they can not to drool.  Roz looks back at EsMay with astonishment.  "HOW did you get HIM!?"

EsMay opens her mouth to respond, but the man answers first.  "I stepped on a stupid duck!"

Joke 3:

A pastor was interviewing at a church.  They decided to have him preach before the congregation, and then the church would vote as a whole on whether they wanted this man for a pastor.  So he came and spoke, and led a 10 minute sermon which everyone loved.  Still, it was decided upon that everyone would like a bit more meat to their sermons, so they wanted to give him another week to prove himself.  The next week he came and spoke a 30 minute sermon, and everyone loved it and thought it was just right.  But because he'd talked so little the week before, they wanted one more week to see how he did.  So the next week he comes and preaches for two hours!  Everyone loved all that he had to say, but they did not want to be spending two hours every week listening to a sermon.  So the deacons decide to have a talk with him.

"Sir, we really love your preaching style, and would love to have you come and be our pastor.  But we do have a concern.  The first week you only spoke for ten minutes, the next week you spoke for thirty minutes, which is in the range we'd prefer to have on a weekly basis, but then this week you spoke for two whole hours!  What is going on?

The pastor answered.  "Well, I'll be honest.  The first week you had me here, I had just gotten dentures, and they were bothering me, so I was only able to speak the ten minutes.  Last week I was really getting used to them, and even though they still bothered me a bit, I was able to lead a normal service.  But this week when I woke up, I put my wife's dentures in by mistake!"

Joke 4:

A lady named Sheila died and went to heaven.  At the pearly gates, St. Peter greets her.

"Hello, and welcome to heaven.  I just have a skill testing question for you, and then you can go on in."

She looks at him a bit wearily.  "A skill testing question?"

"Yes, you see, God just wants to make sure He lets in the smart people.  So your skill testing question is to spell cat."

She looks at him incredulously, but replies.  "C A T."


"Perfect!  Come on in."

Shelia begins to like St. Peter, and spends many days chatting with him.  Over the course of a few months, she watches time after time as he gives people skill testing questions of words exactly three letters each.  But one day, St. Peter informs her that he has been called up to talk to the Big Guy.  He tells her it would mean a lot of she would mind the gate.  She agrees to.

A few minutes later she is shocked to see her husband walking towards her.  "Henry!  What are you doing here?  What happened."

"Sheila, is that really you?  I missed you so much."

Sheila is touched, she'd missed him too.  "What have you been up to since I was gone?"

"Oh, sweetheart, I've been really busy.  I sold the house, I know you never wanted me to, but you knew how much I wanted a larger home.  And then, you remember my secretary Cathy that you kept asking me to fire?  Telling me all she wanted was to get into my pants?  Well we started seeing each other and got married!  And then I quit my job deciding we could live off your insurance money as Cathy really didn't want to work anymore anyway."  Turning from her, Henry heads to go through the pearly gates, but Sheila stops him.

"Not so fast, before you go in, you have to answer a skill testing question."

"Okay, shoot."

Without batting an eye lash, Sheila replies.  "Spell Czechoslovakia"


If you got this far, Maryanne, I hope you enjoyed. :)  {{{hugs}}} EsMay

And thank you everyone for your comments to my post about my friend and our long DD talk, I promise to reply to those asap. :)

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Long DD Talk With Non DD Friend

Maryanne, I keep meaning to write a funny post for you.  If you're still in need of one on Monday, I'll aim to write one for you. :) :)

If you have been reading along for a while, you know that a few months ago I lied to my best friend when she asked if I was spanked.  Her tone worried me that she would be quite upset.  But the lie ate at me until a month or so ago I finally broke down and told her the truth.  I have been worried ever since telling her that we practice DD that it might end our friendship, but I had to fix the lie.  {This is a bit longer post, sorry, hopefully you find it worth the read.}

Well last Friday, 8 days ago, DD came up.  We had not talked about it since that night when I told her we do indeed practice.  But Friday night she wanted to talk about it.  So I told her what I felt safe telling her, and how it made me feel.  This probably lasted about 20-30 minutes.  I even admitted how I wondered at times if we should ever talk to our pastor, as with the articles that went out this summer, and talks of possible new ones, I don't want anything bad to happen to the Duke if anyone in our church found out and did not agree with how we live our lives.  She said unless something happened, to just let it go for now.  She also said that I probably did not give enough detail in my blog to identify it as me anyway, which is close to the truth.  I was surprised with how well she seemed to be taking it all.  She even asked to read the post I wrote after the article this summer, so I copied and pasted it into an email, I just don't want her to be able to find my blog..  But on Saturday she asked if we could talk sometime as she had some questions. She did no sound happy.  She was at a party, but I said yes, and we talked the next day over the phone.

She had so many questions, she had done a lot of reading after our talk on Friday night, and had gotten some bad info, and misunderstood some others.  Am I EVER glad she asked me instead of just going with what was online.

Her first question was if we did maintenance, and she sounded so upset, so afraid for me, my heart broke for her.  I admitted that we did, but told her why.  I told her how we find that a weekly spanking helps keep me calm, helps me let any stress that may be building up.  I told her how the Duke will also at times do one if it seems I'm starting to spin out of control.

She asked if I had bought the starter kit.  I laughed, and laughed, and asked where in the world she'd heard that.  Is there a starter kit?  If there is, I haven't seen it.  Does it come with paddles?  Book?  Rules?

She asked about the retreat, still so much doubt, fear and a bit of anger in her questions.  I told her I knew of a retreat, but that I wasn't going.  This is where she began to soften.  She admitted it would be nice when you do something so few people do, to meet up with them and be able to hang out.

She had read that I was to live my life just for the Duke, and that I wasn't allowed to have any opinions.  It scares me that this is true for some.  I told her we did DD because I wanted it, and if I ever wanted to stop, we would.  I love to make the Duke happy, but that isn't my entire world.  I also told her that I get to share my opinion as much as the Duke does, and that at times he chooses what I want, and at times, he chooses a different path, but it's all with the best interest of me and our marriage in mind.  He always puts me before himself, and in that I never have to worry that he'll make a decision selfishly.  I admitted how many times this stops a fight, because I can trust him with the decisions he makes.  She said she saw how this could help many marriages.

She asked why I got to get punished, and not the Duke, was I ever allowed to paddle him?  I admitted to her that if I put my foot down, that yes, I probably would be allowed to paddle the Duke, but that I NEVER wanted to.  I reminded her of how I hate being in control in my marriage, how stressed and even ill I get when I have to handle too much.  I told her that now that the Duke is wearing the pants in the family, I wanted it to stay that way.  I told her that if I ever was to spank him, I'd feel that I was taking that control back, and I'd feel all the stress and anxiety that comes with it.  She admitted that it would be good for me not to be in that place again.  And I told her how the Duke enforcing a rule with me actually makes him more conscious of how he's doing with that own rule in his own life.  I also admitted that if I don't get punished, then I am just like I was before DD, carrying around a bunch of guilt, and that the Duke sees how a punishment helps me, and frees me, and makes me smile again, and that it is worth it for both of us.

She admitted to me that she had talked to her fiance, and that she was very sorry.  I told her I had suspected she would, but knew she wouldn't talk about it beyond him, and she agreed that is what she had planned.  She just had felt so scared for me, so afraid I'd been brainwashed, or was doing this against my will that she needed to talk so someone.  She expected her fiance to be as freaked out as she was, but he wasn't.  To be honest, he is very happy about us practicing DD actually, and this was before her and I got to clarify all this.  He saw how black my depression got after we lost our son.  He was really worried about me.  He also knows that since then, it's too easy for me to go from being really happy to nothing is but a black hole.  Literally, it can happen in minutes.  But it hasn't been happening lately, and he's noticed how happy I've been, but wasn't sure why.  He told my best friend that for me, I probably needed the structure, and that he was glad the Duke was giving that to me.  It really surprised my best friend, but gave her more to think on.

She had a few more questions that were a bit scary from what she'd read, and over our forty-five minute phone call, I answered them all.  At the end though, I told her, that what we do works, but that I couldn't tell her exactly why.  I told her a lot of women felt that way.  It works, but we aren't sure why.  I started crying when I told her how happy I was, how safe I finally felt, how loved, and how I finally felt worth the Duke's time and attention.  I told her how we talk for hours on end at times, how he selflessly does so much for me now, how peaceful I feel when that feeling of submission settles inside of me.  She admitted she loved how happy I had become this year, and that I didn't sound afraid of the Duke at all.  She even ended up being happy for us, and I could tell she was being very honest.

I never expected to share so much about what DD means, but I'm glad that I did.  She ended our conversation asking if we could still be friends if she and her fiance didn't practice DD in their marriage.  I told her that of course I would still be her friend, and that I honestly believe that only half the marriages I know would benefit from DD, others it would be detrimental, and others already looked great without it.  But, I won't lie, hearing how she and her fiance talked about it, and what they felt it would and wouldn't do for them, something tells me it's going to be something they do try. ;)  And she is so much like me, that I honestly do feel she'd feel more safe and loved and centered with it.  But either way, she's still very happy, and whether she does it or not, doesn't matter to me as long as they both are happy and love each other. :)

I am SO THANKFUL that my friend talked to me, and didn't just believe what she read.  When she first called, she was full out panicked, and I am scared to think how much that panic would have grown if she'd waited to talk to me.  But afterwards, you could hear the relief and joy in her voice.

But all this had taught me something very important about this corner of blogland that I kind of knew before, but this really drove it home.  We NEED to be here.  Some of the things she found out at other sites scared her, and it was right that they did when she told me of them, this lifestyle is not about fear.  We need to be here to show people that DD can and should be done in a beautiful and loving light.  That DD is about making your marriage better, not about suppressing the weaker spouse and making them live in fear.  DD works different for each marriage, but we can be here to give options, and show what's working for us so that those starting out have a good place to start to look at when figuring out first steps {without comparing to their own marriage}.  We need to be here for support for each other, during bad times and good times.  We can be here to offer an ear, advice, options, love, and our hearts.  Blogland, for all of you out there that I now consider family, thank you for being all that to me, and so many others that are searching for something to make their marriage make it, through thick and thin, until "death do us part".  And not just make it, but be happy and thriving while doing so. I've said it before, but hope it's okay to again, THANK YOU blogland for all that you do and mean to me!

Thursday, November 21, 2013

The Duke And A Baby

I am planning our church Christmas party with another lady in the church.  You may not remember, but in January last year I talked of a newborn I got to hold, and then talked here or there about a little baby girl I got to hold.  Well it's her baby.  She is just the cutest thing, and just loves me.  Yep, I'm so humble. ;)  Well last night the whole family was here so the wife could help plan the party, and the baby kept looking at the Duke.  Now, the Duke likes kids, but babies, well he's a little frightened with them.  This girl is 10 months, but built like she's 6 months.  So when this little girl wanted to be with the Duke, I handed her over for a good half hour, and my heart melted to see the two of them together.  She was just enraptured with him and giggled and laughed to her hearts content, he didn't look too sad either. ;)

I asked him later if he was upset with me for handing her over to him when she was so cutely flirting with him, and he wasn't upset at all.  He was quite happy, and he kept thinking how great it will be when we have our own.

This past few years have been a hard wait, and I really do feel a baby is very close for us, but a friend helped me put the wait in such a great perspective.  A year ago, I was afraid my marriage was ending.  I don't think we would have divorced, though you never know, but I was becoming dead inside with no love left.  What made me think it was okay to bring a child into that?  This year would not have been the year to deal with a high risk pregnancy and learning DD, we needed the time to get our footing in this lifestyle, without the hormones thrown in.  My marriage had to become good first, we had to get on a good page.  Now I can honestly say that if we started a family now, there would be lots of love to pass on, there would be a stable family environment for any children we bring into the world, and I'm also healthier from the changes we've made, and that means a healthier start for any children we have.

Yes, waiting has been hard, but I now see the blessings in having to wait.  Here or there we buy something to prepare for a baby.  Tonight we picked up five 3mos onsies, and four 6mos onsies, and 2 pairs of 3mos pants.  So CUTE!!!

Just another way DD is setting our world to rights.  My next post will be to tell you about the hour long conversation I had with my friend about DD!  It was shocking, an AMAZING. :)

Oh, and about the Bear Jars in my last post.  You all had so many questions I wanted to share. :)  They are quite large jars, the tall ones are 7 1/4 inches tall, the short ones are 6 1/4 inches tall.  Filled, I believe the two little ones would be about 2lb, the large ones about 5lb.  And you can't buy then in stores, they were a promotion back when I was a child, so probably the 80's, they had Kraft Peanut Butter in them, smooth had green lids, crunchy had red, but you can find them at flea markets, second hand stores, vintage stores and online. :)  I will reply to all your comments on the jars hopefully tomorrow, but Saturday at the latest. :)  And Willie, no, I probably wouldn't have asked permission, I would have asked his opinion, but probably not permission, which is amazing to think how far we've come. :)

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

The Duke Said Yes!

I have something to admit, I am at times very goofy, or nerdy, or however you want to look at it.  I have wanted to collect the Kraft Glass Bear Jars for as long as I could remember.  In our first year of marriage my mother in law found out.  She had three that were her kids.  So she asked my husband, who of course said yes, and his siblings, if they ever planned on using their bears that were currently in storage, and if not, could she give them to me.

That was 5 years ago.  Since then friends and family have found more and more for me, I have duplicates of so many now that I use for other things, but one of each I use as canisters.  For some reason though I never could find one on my own.  My friends and family that found the jars would never let me pay for them.  One by one I completed the collection except for Grandma Bear.  She is extremely rare, and this year I set out to find her.  Well I did, for $35 on ebay, after almost the whole year of searching.  I debated, and then sat down with the Duke to talk to him.  I figured the answer would be no.  But we thought about the fact that I hadn't paid for a jar yet, and so I could look at it as in owning the whole set for $35.  We also talked about how this was the first time I had found here anywhere listed at all.

Well, she came in the mail today!  She is in the middle of this photo.  Now the bear head with brown rice in it does not sit with the others on my counter, but wanted to show the whole set here.  He does not fit with the other jars on my counter, and this is not my counter, my kitchen is too dark and the bears kept turning a horrible yellow color in the photos, so this is another room.

Left to Right - Papa Bear Head with Brown Rice, Grandpa Bear with Brown Sugar, Plain Bear with White Sugar, Grandma Bear with Red Star Yeast, Band Bear with Cocoa, Mother Bear with Whole Wheat Flour and Papa Bear with Flour.
The big ones held 1.5 kg of peanut butter, the smaller two held 750g.  So they are a great sized canisters.
Click on photo to see better if you wish.

Isn't she cute???  She even has a bun in her hair in the back!  I filled her with yellow Red Star Yeast. :)  And normally I wouldn't put cocoa from it's container into a canister, but I just had to have a black bear, so that is what the band bear has. ;)  The bear head came without a lid, and the only one I could find to fit was actually a Skippy lid... do you think Kraft will ban me when they find out? ;)

Anyway, I am so thankful that the Duke realized how important this was to me, and didn't just look at it as it being a little empty glass jar.  I have spent the whole day smiling, and feeling even more loved than normal.

A year ago he probably still would have said yes, but because he wouldn't have cared what I bought.  This year, the yes means so much to me.  He really sat down and thought about it, and not just about the fact that we had the money, but about how much it meant to me, and how happy I would be to finally complete my collection.  He really wanted to spoil me in this way, and I feel it. :)

Dear Duke, thank you, I promise, in a week or two, I'll get some of this silly grin off my face, until then, you'll have to put up with it. ;)

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Noticing DD Where Never Seen Before

I love reading Lori Wick books.  Okay, I'll be honest, I've only read her first three series and two stand alone books, I own all those, but have now bought two other series I hope to get to soon in ebook form.. :)  One series I own in book form came on sale this week for ebooks on Amazon for $9.50 in total for all four books in the "A Place Called Home" series.  Now, I've read this series a few times, but I never noticed all the DD innuendos in the first book! ;)  I read the first book yesterday and finished today.  There are three times where I thought, wow, that sounds like DD, and each one got more evident.

At one point the grandmother says that if she'd acted a certain way when he husband was still alive, he'd have taken her to task.

At another point a woman said she thought about cutting her hair, and her fiance told her that if she did, he'd paddle her.

The last one was when the grandmother did not want a party, and found her granddaughter, and two granddaughters in law planning one for her.  She told them they all deserved to be spanked, and told them she was going to get their husbands.

How did I miss these before???  LOL  They are not DD books, they are Christian romances, but I just LOVED to see these in the book. :)  Now as I read the rest of the series again, I'll have to see if there are more of these thrown in. :)  Now I can't help but hope and wonder that the author knows a bit about the blessings of DD herself. :)

Ah, the things we notice as we settle into this lifestyle. :)  Have you noticed this too?  That there were things that seemed pretty evidently DD once you practiced that you never gave a second thought to before hand?

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Learning From My Parents Mistakes

Well, my parents went home yesterday.  It was one of those, glad you were here, glad you are gone kind of visits.  I loved having them here, I really did, but after having them here for five nights, I was ready to have my bed back again and have my apartment back to shape.

I noticed something when my parents were here.  They pick at each other, a lot.  My mother more so than my father.  What shocked me was that sometimes they could sound really mean to each other, and then start laughing.  And not just laughing a little, but full out laughter that sometimes even ended in tickle fights.  I was so shocked that I needed time to process.  Usually when they pick at each other and fight, I'd try to diffuse things, but the Duke was making points last time that maybe I should step back.  But I was confused.  Why was picking at each other working for them?  Why did it make them so happy when having someone pick at me makes me so sad?  Am I just too sensitive?  Can I not take a joke?

So this time I didn't interfere just ask the Duke had suggested.  But you want to know what happened after a few times of the picking and laughing?  The anger started.  The picking would go too far for one of them, and they'd get mad.  The other would think they were joking, and take it a step further until the other was flat out livid and sometimes even yelling, even with the Duke and I in the room with them.  After a few days, it was getting really hard to handle and my nerves and patience were wearing thin.  That, and I need at least 30 minutes of alone time a day, and 8 hours of sleep.  I was getting absolutely no alone time, and maybe 6 hours of sleep a night.  I did as the Duke asked last time, and didn't interfere once, and this happened a dozen times a day, at least. 

The last night of their visit they were going strong, and finally, without thinking, and having been around the snarkiness for several days, I myself said something snarky to the Duke.  My eyes bulged out of my head, I was so shocked.  And not caring that my father was right there, I stopped, faced the Duke and told him right then and there that I was truly sorry.  I told him I had promised to not be snarky with him, and that I had broke that promise, and once again told him I was sorry.  I didn't do it to get out of a punishment, even though there was none.  I did it because first of all it was wrong, and second of all, I had acted that way in front of my dad, which made it ten times worse.  The Duke didn't care, but I DID.  I don't want to be rude to the Duke, but I also don't want to end up like my parents.  Part of the reason I wanted the Duke to step up way before I knew about DD was because I wanted my marriage to be much happier than my parents.  I love my parents, I really do, but I don't want the kind of marriage they have.  I want their to be respect, a lot less fighting, a lot more support and love.

My dad knows from their last visit that I've been working on being a submissive wife, and that I'm working on doing things that honour the Duke.  He told me at the time that he thought this was a good thing.  This time he even saw me wearing a dress, and deferring to the Duke a lot more.  I didn't even buy one thing while out shopping with them without asking the Duke first if I could have it.  My mother seems to find it weird, and you can tell this is so not for her, but I wish it was.  She has been the head of that household the entire time I was growing up.  It isn't working.  I wish I could tell them someday about DD, but I can't.  My mother would never keep the secret.  When she knows something, the whole family does, even if you tell her you don't want to know.  I don't worry for me, I don't care if every single person I know knows that we practice DD, but I'd hate for the Duke to be wrongly accused if people chose not to see it in the right light. 

I hope my dad realizes I'm trying, and that I'm not a big failure at being a submissive wife.  I hope that he sees that in the trying, I'm not perfect, but I am really working at it.  I also hope he sees the apology for the healthy thing that it is.  I really think he and my mother could learn a great deal if they could just learn to tell each other they were sorry, and truly mean it.  But to be honest, if my dad doesn't realize these things, I'm not going to worry.  It's not him I have to please.  It's the Duke.

AND, the Duke was so impressed with my behaviour this week and how much he loved how I deferred to him so much, and little things like doing the dishes for him when that is his chores, that when we got home from work last night, and I went to put the apartment back the way I like to have it, he came along side me and helped me!  Without my having to ask!  And he stayed and helped me until everything was done.  I..., that has never happened, I've always had to ask... and this time, I didn't feel like a burden, I felt like he wanted to help me, and that melted my heart.  I almost cried... I'm so not used to feeling that special.  And with his help, the whole place was done in like 20 minutes! :)

And then... it was maintenance.  I dreaded it, I was just so tired, but it ended up being great.  He only used his hand, and he talked to me the whole way through it.  And tonight he went to the store, and brought home my favourite chocolate bar.  I love that man. :)

Step by step we keep growing, I wonder what next week will bring. :)

*** My laptop fan died today, so my time at the computer for the next two weeks will be limited while it's out for repair.  I haven't been able to go back and read posts from the whole few weeks I was insanely busy, but have been trying to read your posts this week, only to find out that 20 blogs in my list were hiding. :(  I felt horrible.  So I finally found out how to get them showing again.  Thank you all for your patience as I've been a horrible blogger.  But I'm back, and hopefully the next two weeks will work out for me to keep up. :)  If not, do you think it would be less than submissive to kick the Duke off his computer more so I get enough blogging time? ;)

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Loving Our Lurkers

HAPPY LOVING OUR LURKERS DAY! :)


I wanted to say hi to any lurkers I have out there. 

HI! :)  *imagine me waving my hand at you, inviting you for a cup of your favourite drink and a nice little sit down talk* ;)

From time to time, you guys introduce yourself, and I am always very honoured when you do.  The fact that anyone would read my words really tugs at my heart, and I want to say thank you.

For anyone wishing to comment, please feel free, I always love to hear from you.  Or if you have questions.  I also love email, esmayslife @ gmail.com (without the spaces).  I know how scary it can be to make contact, so don't feel you have to, but if you want to, I'm here. :)  I know my first time commenting my heart stuck in my chest, I was so terrified.  But I am so glad I did.  I have made so many wonderful friends, some that we comment back and forth with on each others blogs, and some whom I email more than comment with.  But the support I have found here in blogland is so overwhelming.  If you ever feel you want that, this part of blogland is such a safe place to do it.  My blog, or any of the others.

And if you don't feel like commenting, I still want to say thank you for reading along.  If I can help you at all in finding out things about this lifestyle that has been such a blessing to me, my husband, and our marriage, than I am deeply humbled and honoured.  I make a lot of mistakes, I don't always know the right thing to think or feel, but if in all that choas, it still touches you, I'm so thankful.  Thank you for reading along, and I hope you have an absolutely wonderful day. :)

Monday, November 11, 2013

Not Sure Where I'm At

I wanted my post today to be about my parents visit, as in as much as I love them, they were really hard to put up with today.  But I just am in a weird headspace, and not sure I can even put it into words.

I have this angst lately.  Not enough time alone with the Duke and I miss him.  I crave him.  I just want time to sit in his arms, feel his authority, feel his dominance, his care, his love, and his control.  I have loved our times together, and yet the little that I have gotten just doesn't seem enough.

I keep looking for ways to please him, and he's starting to notice.  Yet I still desire more.  I feel like I'm addicted to pleasing him, be it his favourite meal, a dress I'm wearing, or asking his permission even over something small.  But I'm craving it.

This is a good craving, right?  I've never really craved to make someone else this happy.  You know, this is a dog eat dog world, I've never really been taught to put someone else before myself to this degree, and yet I long to.

I think all this is magnified with my parents.  My mother has said a few things about the past that left me feeling very vulnerable and shaky.  Not meaning to, she, in her weird way, thought they were funny.  I did not.  And so I long to have the Duke's strength with me as well, and in wanting him there, I also want to find ways to please him.  Also, it's another month we aren't pregnant, another month I've missed my cycle with this disease, and so I wait for the next one to try again.  And I think I've just needed something else to direct my attention to as I am starting to feel the dream for another child, one that will live this time, slipping through my 35 year old fingers.  So a distraction seems so good, and the Duke seems like such a good choice.

I'm not sure where all these thoughts lead, or if this is a good path or a bad path, it's just where I am right now.  I hope you all have a wonderful week a head, mine, that was going to be laid back, literally got filled to the brim on meetings I could not say no to. :( :(

Friday, November 08, 2013

I'm So Loved, And So Thankful For That

I'm still here, but have been a horrible blogger.  I have not had two minutes to myself all week.  So I still am behind.  I have cleared my week next week and am hoping to be able to finally catch up with you guys! :)

This chaos has been taking it's toll.  I usually need some me time every day, some time with the Duke, some time with God, you get the picture.  Without being able to really do any of those for the past couple of weeks, I have been having a hard time.  A feeling of unbalance, loss of control, vulnerability, and so on have been happening.  But the great thing is, the more this has been happening, the more the Duke is turning into my rock.

While growing up, I was blamed for everything, didn't matter if I had anything to do with it or not, I was blamed.  On days I had done nothing wrong, my mother would make things up just to keep me looking bad with my dad.  So whenever anything goes wrong, my first response is to say I'm sorry.  Well the Duke has been working over the past two weeks of getting me to stop feeling guilty when this happens.  He'll grab my shoulders, look me directly in the eye, and flat out ask me how I had anything to do with the problem.

Also, he's been calling me out on putting myself down.  It hasn't been often, but the few times it has, he's been letting me know that what I'm saying isn't true and that he doesn't want me to say it.  Also, I tend to worry about asking the Duke do too much, that I'll annoy him.  Well my parents are coming to visit this week.  I was in the middle of another declutter (Bedroom, guestroom, 3/4 of livingroom EXACTLY how I want them, finally!) and then I found out they were coming, so I had two rooms I had piles I was going through that I needed to get done.  I did not have time to do it on my own, but was very reluctant to have the Duke help me.  I kept telling him I'd do it myself.  Well, it became clear I couldn't, and when I said so again, the Duke again grabbed me by the shoulders and gently asked why it was that I couldn't accept his help.

He's also become more possessive.  He's always held my hand when we're out, but now he holds it more firmly, and instead of me leading where we go, he has been.  And last night, he actually told me what he wanted to have for supper, which is very rare.  He's worried when I had a fever, made me lay down for the day when I was really sick, and took care of me.  I am also asking permission more often, and for his opinion, and really craving the feedback.  He in turn is acting more carefree and joking around way more.

This man that is emerging, is making me love him even more, and I didn't know that was possible.  I literally have been near tears a few times this week because I have never felt this much love.  And you will be glad to know, I have not earned a spanking since my last post almost two weeks ago! :)  Though, I have had my kindle taken from my hands when I stayed up too late one night, and a couple things like that.  But they too make me feel so loved and cared for.  Last year I didn't feel loved at all, and was begging myself to stay in our marriage, and now, I can't imagine a single day without him.  For all of you that had blogs this time last year for me to find, THANK YOU!  I don't know where I would be today if I hadn't found you all and been told about DD.

I hope all is going well with you, and when my parents leave on Tuesday, I really hope to catch up! :)  Oh, and what I wrote about my mom here, she has changed a lot, and all is forgiven, so this should be a good visit, like the rest have been in the past few years. :)

Monday, October 28, 2013

Yikes! What Came Over Me?

Well, the few of you that I wrote yesterday and admitted where I was with the Duke, he was becoming very inconsistent, will wonder at this complete turn around, don't worry, I'm wondering at it too.

I am a maid of honour in a wedding in December.  I have never been in a wedding before... so I don't know what to think.  I ordered my dress, and added the $20 to have it customized to my figure... and now they are saying that I can't make it to my size because my breasts and hips are not drastic enough in size difference from my waist.  They then proceeded to ask if I was pregnant, or offered to sell me a corset as well.

I was devastated.  I know I am larger than I should be, but not that much, and they do have dresses to fit every single measurement I have, just not all in the same size, so that is why I paid extra to have it custom fitted.  I also have lost 30lbs this year, with the disease I struggle with, it makes it a lot harder to lose weight, and even getting this 30lbs off has been hard.  Even being bigger than I should be, I don't have hips, my hip bone is literally only a half inch wider on either side than the bone at my waist.  And up top, I literally used to be called "pimple boobs" for a reason.  I didn't pick the dress out, all the bridesmaids are wearing the same thing.  So I felt attacked by this company, and angry that they said the dress could be customized, and apparently can't be.

I started crying.  It has taken a long time for me to not hate my body, and this horrible disease.  Even writing about it now, I feel the tears coming back.  I work out, I avoid so many foods, and still, I'm big, and their email today made me feel horrible.  I am not pregnant... and not being so when I so want to be made that question even harder.  And wearing a corset so that I fit their mould when the dress was supposed to be made to fit me... well I got angry and started belittling myself.  I was angry that I can't beat this disease.  I got angry because if I can lose more weight, the chances of ever being skinny are still really far fetched.  I got sad and called myself fat and stupid.  I was just a bawling mess.

Imagine my surprise when the Duke comes up behind me and starts to pull my pants down.  I whipped around, and begged him to stop.  I threw myself into his arms and just bawled.  I begged him to please still spank me if he felt I needed it, but later.  I told him, right then, I just needed him to hold me.  He said okay, but that I was to stop calling myself fat and stupid that very moment.

Fifteen minutes later we were in the car on our way to work, and I was still worked up.  A car passed me in a no passing zone.  I want to tell you I acted my normal self and just thought the person was being irresponsible and left them alone.  But that would be a huge lie.  I blarred my horn, and as soon as they passed, gassed it to tailgate them.  The second the Duke heard the car accelerate, I heard "Stop it, NOW!"

Me: "But they were..."

The Duke: "I don't care, I want you to calm down right now."

Me: "This is getting added to my spanking tonight... isn't it?"

The Duke: "Yes, it is."

Augh, two offenses in one day?  What came over me???

Would it help to say I think I'm ovulating finally, after a couple years of not, and that I don't know what to do with the onslaught of emotions?  This being frazzled happened last month as well, it was the very first time we had signs my hormones were getting back in line... I think I'll have to start tracking this, and finding ways to remind myself to stay calm.

So... the Duke was backing off of DD it seemed... now... woah, someone lit a fire under his bottom!  lol

Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.  *Gulp*

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Are You A Line Rider?

I have been a horrible blogger the past two weeks.  I have not had anytime to check out more than a few blogs.  This week was promising, but with unintended guest (who is now gone), some last minute emergencies, and the Duke needing to see a doctor last night, it's been insane.  He's okay, but on two types of antibiotics.  I'd love any prayers on his behalf.  He's not sick, but has a sore on his leg that turned bad.  Anyway, my PLAN is to catchup tomorrow night and on Saturday.  I am truly sorry for getting so behind. :(

I wanted to write today about something that has been going through my head.  The other day I was stuck between two cars as in the image below. 


I only took a minute to do it, so please forgive the rough graphics.  So as you can see, the road I was was almost wide enough that two cars could ride side by side in the same lane.  I wondered why the car beside me was hugging the outside line so closely, I mean, he honestly was only an inch or two from having his tires on the line.  So I looked behind me for some reason, and the guy behind me was literally riding with his tires right against the center line.  I myself, no matter how small or wide the lane is, tend to rid with about 1/3 of the available space to my outside, and 2/3 towards my inside.  I found this odd about the other cars, but it got me thinking about DD.

I wonder at times if I am one of these two cars.  The line for me not to cross is clearly marked in many instances.  Yet, sometimes, I ride the line as close as I can, like a child testing the line, just because it's so close to what I want.  Almost like I'm tempting myself with what I can't have until I no longer have any strength and accidentaly cross over the line.  ie, bedtime.  I say, oh, just five minutes more.  But then that turns into 30, and then that makes me five minutes late for bed, but oh wait, I haven't gone to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, gotten dressed, or anything. So by the time I'm done, I've not just hovered over the line, I'm WAY over it.

But then on other issues, like being disrespectful, bowing to the Duke's wishes, trying to keep a submissive mindset, I tend to be far away from the line, hugging the other wall, doing all I can to be good, respectful, and show the Duke my submission.  Like me getting dresses and pretty things lately for the Duke. That's me hugging the wall, liking the safe place.  Me going to bed too late, that's me line riding.

So I feel I have to be more like my driving.  2/3 of the way in between, or even closer to the outside line.  I have to stop testing those limits.  Yes, I want to stay up as long as I can, but it's not good for me, and more, I've promised the Duke I will work on getting to bed earlier, therefore ensuring I'm going to be in a better mood the next day so that I'm more likely to be submissive in other areas of my life as well.

So what about you?  Do you find you're a Line Rider?  Or a Wall Hugger?  Or like with me, do you find it depends on the issue?  So, everyone out there in blogland, I want to give you full permission on my blog.  If I'm ever pushing limits, and you see this, feel free to call me a Line Rider and make me realize what I'm doing, and that this isn't what I want to be.  More often than not, I want to find myself hugging that wall.  It's safer, it's comforting, it's where the Duke's arms are always there to catch me.  It's where I'm not making him question himself, and where I'm aiding in the harmony of our marriage.  I really am glad this small little thing happened to me to make me think.

So here I am, a Spankso, a Submissive Wife, a Needer of a Firm Hand and Strong Voice, a Person Dependant on a Schedule, a Dress Wearer, a Blogger, and now a Wall Hugger.  I wonder what is next for me to find out about myself, or a goal to aim towards. :)

Sunday, October 20, 2013

I Feel All Tarnished

I am going to reply to the comments left on my last post... I just feel I need to think a bit before I do, to make sure I'm in a good headspace, which, right now, I am not.

I feel all confined, restricted, and tense.  Our guest is still here.  I felt close to tears yesterday, and thank goodness the Duke took some time to be alone with me.

Yesterday was meant to be something special for the Duke and I, and I feel it got a bit tarnished with our landlord being here.  He was having a yardsale in the back yard to get rid of a lot of stuff he'd stashed in the garage.  Honestly, I think he's going to be selling the place, and just isn't telling us.  So yesterday afternoon we had some alone time, and I thought he was at the back of the property running his yard sale.

Anyway, so a few weeks ago we placed an order for some things from a toy shop, no, this post will not be risque, or not really, lol, and one thing we ordered was a blind fold because the one I have slips off through the night when I need to wear it.  It was supposed to just be this innocent blindfold to keep the light from hitting my eyes before I'm ready to get up in the morning.  It was eight dollars on sale for one dollar, I felt I couldn't go wrong.  Well, imagine the Duke's expressive delight when we get the package and he finds out that there isn't only a blindfold in our package, but a matching thong!  And not just a thong, but one that fit my larger frame.  I had no idea, and was shocked speechless.

So, he expressed a wish a few days later that I maybe get a few to wear for him as the one that was mailed to us was quite stiff and not that great.  I've never worn thongs before, I was apprehensive, but then thought about it.  I've started to wear dresses at home for the Duke, why not try this for him.  So on Friday night I went out and bought some.  I had avoided wearing dresses all week because of our visitor, but yesterday decided that was enough.

So I put on a dress, and my new under garment, and showed the Duke.  He was so honoured that I would do this for him, you could see the emotions playing over his face that I bowed to his wishes in this way.  A few hours later we both ended up in our bedroom, I was on the laptop, he was grabbing something from his dresser.  I joked that I wasn't used to something riding up my butt, and we joked about it for a minute, as well as him sharing how special it was to him that I did this.  Just as we finished joking about it, we decided to open the window to our bedroom.  The Duke pulled open the curtains to reveal the window was already open, all the way open, and he stopped cold.

Standing right outside our window, and I mean RIGHT outside, was our landlord typing away on his IPAD.  Seriously, the man has to go!  The Duke signaled for me to be quiet, and then mouthed what he saw.  This is not the first time we've caught him outside our window while we've been talking, but this was by far the most intimate thing I know he's heard.  This was a gift for the Duke, I did this to please him and be a special treat between the two of us.  Now I feel our landlord knows our secret as well, and I feel all tarnished, and that my gift to the Duke is now less special.

I realize the Duke is stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I am also glad to hear from the Duke how much he is displeased with his friend lately.  Now that I'm giving him more respect and forcing him to understand my love is unconditional, and not letting him think otherwise, he's starting to see how bad this guy treats him.  I was so thankful to hear that.  He's ready for this guy to be gone too.  I know he's reluctant to say something because the guy is apparently leaving today, and we know he can be quite vindictive and manipulative, so I understand the Duke's reluctance to cause an issue.  Our landlords always been like that, and it was why I was so reluctant to move here in the first place.  I do understand that if the Duke were to call him on it, he could make life very hard for us, but I also don't mind moving to be honest.

I will not be dressing up today until after our landlord is gone.  I don't want him knowing what I'm wearing underneath.  It's none of his business.  I hope that I can get the special feeling back about why I'm doing this for the Duke, and make the present I'm giving him special again.

Am I making too much out of this?  Or is this creepy to anyone else?

Friday, October 18, 2013

Stressful Visitor & 2 Free DD Books

I feel all stressed inside... and not sure how to fix it.

We've had a house guest the last few nights, and I don't know if he's leaving today, or in a few days, and that has me stressed.  He is our landlord, and a friend of the Duke's.  He's visiting to check up on the place, and I am all stressed.

One of the reasons, we are the supers here, is that one of the tenants is always complaining, I mean all the time, I'm afraid to answer my phone or leave the house because they'll trap us, and I'm afraid to answer the door because it's always them.  They drive me bonkers, and I just know they'll expect us to fix things that he said no to when he leaves.

Second of all is our landlord himself.  He really does put us in a tight spot with the tenants.  Also, he hates me.  When the Duke is not around, if I say hi, he won't even look at me and walk on by, or just ignore me.  My best friend knew I wouldn't lie, but witnessed it this past summer when he didn't realize she was coming out behind me.  She waited for him to answer, and when he didn't, came out and said hi to him too.  He all the sudden said hi to both of us.  I have always felt judged by him.  He will often invite the Duke to hang out with him and his wife, but not me.  He's invited the Duke on trips, and not me.  I don't know what I've done, and I try to be nice to him, but it never works.  So having him here is stressing me out.  I spent most of last night in my room reading on my kindle.

I want the Duke to hang out with him because they're friends, and I want him to hang out with him so that I don't have to.  But on the same note, I miss the Duke.  I'm still recovering from all that went on last week, still feeling vulnerable, and wishing I had the Duke's strength with me.  Tonight we have to visit with a widow friend of mine, and it will make it a bit easier if our guest does indeed try to stay another night.

One thing I have noticed different about his visit this time around, is that I'm not holding the Duke up to my standards.  I used to wonder why the Duke never talked about me in front of this guy, why he never tried to say good things about me, why if I was so important to him, why my name never comes up when he's talking to his friends.  It used to drive me bonkers and make me feel unimportant.  Now, if he did so now, it would be nice, but I don't need it.  The Duke loves me, he shows me this is in so many ways now that I have no doubt, and if his friends never see me as good, that is okay.  I have a lot of friends that love me, and I have to be okay with being myself, and not living to please his friends, who I can't seem to please anyway.

So anyway, not really sure about what this post is about, just needed to get my thoughts out so that I can deal with this guy a bit longer.  I hope you all have a good weekend. :)  I will be trying to catch up on blogs at that point.  I haven't been commenting much this week, in my attempt to catch up, but hoping to be commenting on your blogs again this weekend. :)

PS  Two free DD books out today on Amazon. :)  Not sure if they are erotica or not.

Holding Hannah (Masters of The Castle) - Maren Smith

The Submissive School Girl - Jane Pearl

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Slowly Growing

I've disappeared for over a week, and I'm sorry about that.  It's been an emotional week, and it took a lot of processing for me.  We had something happen out of our control last week, and it was really hard emotionally to get through... I just had to deal with it and needed a lot of alone time to do so, so I am sorry that I am behind on your blogs as well. 

But during that time, I've been learning a lot about DD as well and about our marriage.

Over the past few months, I've been on over kill with having a reved up libido.  Not sure why, but I've been going crazy.  I think it might be the hormone vitamins I'm on, but can't say for certain.  There have been a few nights where I'm still awake at 3 in the morning because I can't sleep, my body is just too wild.  It's caused a lot of stress for me, and in the past, I would never have let the Duke know about it.  I thought I was a burden to him in this department.  The Duke never really sought me out for intimacies.  If we were intimate, it was because I brought it up, but I was always reluctant to do so for some reason.  Now, this year with DD, he has initiated more, but I am still nervous to initiate myself.  But I needed to last week, I was up until 4 in the morning one night because I literally had not slept until that point and knew that us being intimate was going to be the only way I was going to get any sleep at all because I was so reved up.  That is when the rule was made, the Duke said he wants me to tell him whenever I'm struggling like that, even if it's ten times a day, even if it's 4 in the morning.  It has made it a lot easier for me to admit.  and I'm actually kind of glad, it helps me see that me having a more reved libido than him is not something he is upset with me for. 

Another thing I am learning is that the Duke does not think of things often on his own.  He just doesn't, and honestly, he never did.  So me thinking, oh, he'll come up with things on his own for DD, well that just isn't going to happen.  So I took him some ideas you guys gave me last week, and now he wants me wearing dresses when I'm at home.  So this week I bought three dresses, and when a friend of mine found out, gave me a dress she bought and never wore.  So I have a skirt I already had, and four dresses, and have been wearing them the last few days.  It makes me feel good to wear them, and I actually feel more feminine.  I've never really gone around wearing dresses, and my not owning any since we got married will really show this point.

The Duke and I have had more talks, and I'm realizing I need to set some more things in DD and not just wait for him.  So, I'm trying to show more submission without him going for it first.  I'm asking permission for everything I do now.  I know it was weirding him out a bit, but he's getting more comfortable about it.  Imagine my surprise the other day when I asked if I could buy a book, and he asked me to tell him what it was about first.  I hesitantly told him, worried that he thought my increased libido was from reading books, and would say no.  But that wasn't his reason, he just wanted to be able to make a decision and wanted the facts to make that decision. 

So, we're growing in yet new ways, bit by bit, slowly.  Where does this all lead us?  Not sure, but it feels good.  It's not bells and whistles, it's not my heart pounding in my chest or floating on cloud nine, and maybe that's just me still recovering from last week, but whatever it is that we're going through now, it's a peaceful comfort that I have that we're settling into something that's going to last.

Friday, October 04, 2013

Advice???

So, I know months ago, it was asked on someone's blog if anyone had submission exercises that their spouse used on them to really help them feel submissive, and at the time, many people said they didn't really have any ideas... but we've all grown in our relationships since then, and hoping this is okay to ask.

I struggle lately with keeping my submissive mindset.  I spend so much time in charge outside of home life, that it can be a bit difficult somedays to make the switch when I'm with the Duke again.  When this happens, the Duke's natural tendency is to let me lead as this is how it always used to work for us.  He's getting better at standing up, but I feel we need some fresh ideas on how to help him keep his HOH hat on, and for me to find that submissive mindset to not take charge by mistake.

It can be something small, or huge, but I'd love to hear your ideas.  He can already tell me to do housework or exercise, but I mean... something besides that that can be done at the drop of a hat.

If you have ANY suggestions, I'd love to hear them. :)  We are not very good at thinking outside of the box, and would love any ideas you have, or tales of things that definitely worked for you or your spouse. :)

I hope you all have a great weekend, and hopefully that thing I wrote about the other day, I'll have processed through it more and can write more about next week. :)

Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Spanking Comes Up With My Church Ladies

I promise to get to your comments from yesterday when I have a chance tomorrow. :)  Just need to do a bit more time for processing before answering. :)  But for now, wanted to tell you how spanking came up two times this past weekend at my Church's Ladies Retreat. :)

One time I was going to sit down on the edge of a bed to help get a card ready we were all signing for someone, and someone put a frying spatula down just before I went to sit down and I sat on it.  I joked and asked if I should worry that she was giving me a warning that I was about to have my butt toasted with it. ;)  The few people in the room laughed. :)

The second that happened later that day was that there was a six month old boy and nine month old girl that came along as they are still breast feeding.  Even though the boy is three months younger, he is the same size, if not larger than the girl.  Well they were on the grass at one point and the girl went behind the boy as he crawled along, she then placed one hand at the top of his butt, and the other hand she tapped on the middle of his butt repeatedly for quite some time.  We all laughed, and one person asked if she was spanking him.  I told them that the poor girl already let her secret wishes out, and we'd know what to look for for the rest of her life.  The mother of the boy said she did NOT want to know about it as her and the mother of the girl joke that their kids will marry someday.  I laughed.  The mother of the girl said her girl is probably thinking that he'll wear the pants in the family, but she'll lay down the law. ;)

Anyway, nothing spectacular, but two cute ways that spanking came up that I thought were funny. :)  Hope you're having a great day out there everyone. :)