Hello, everyone. This isn't really a post, sorry. I've just been quite sick this past two weeks, lots of headaches, and now baby girl has strep, and hasn't been sleeping much at night. I'm just exhausted, and trying to wrap my head around some personal things going on, and trying to focus on other things, just isn't happening.
Those of you who like bossy men will be super proud of the Duke, the sicker I am, the more bossy he gets. :P I once joked when I was sick that I had a husband for sale. You may see a similar post soon. lol Ok, not really, he's being really sweet while being bossy, and taking very good care of me. The pain in my head was so bad, he actually got tears, I'd never seen him do that before for me. I felt horrible, but also very touched.
I have a few posts in the works, and will try to get them out soon. :) Until then, take care, and hope everyone else is well. :)
Monday, February 25, 2019
Sunday, February 17, 2019
I Poked The Bear
And He Bit Back!
Or, the five implements he used to teach me a lesson did. I went to bed with welts and woke up with bruises. I fully deserved them, purposefully aimed for them, and am utterly proud to have them. :)
Any of you that have known me or followed me for years know I thrive on being obedient. So, be prepared. REMEMBER, I love the Duke, I love him more than I love myself.
So, you probably want context, because it is not like me to be disrespectful, especially to the man I love.
The Duke had been sliding back all week since last Saturday. I was losing him, and when I lose the Duke, he gets depressed, and retreats inside of himself. Doing DD is the ONLY thing in our marriage that keeps him from being depressed. I don't know why it is, it just is.
IMPORTANT NOTE: This is not to say this will work for anyone else with depression, or to make light of depression in anyway. This is just what works for the Duke, and my attempt to help him.
Usually the Duke sliding back can take many months to fix, with me fighting tooth and nail to get him back out of the sad seclusion he surrounds himself with. But this time, we were at the start of this happening. I had a few talks with him on Thursday and Friday, but still, he was slipping from me.
Saturday night I was tired and cranky from a pretty severe sinus infection, which I am now on antibiotics for, thank goodness. I was frustrated at something, and the Duke told me to "Calm down". And the submissive part of me said to. And then something in me spoke up. What would happen if I didn't listen? And further, what would happen if I pushed his buttons? Maybe I could stop this whole backwards slide into depression again... I looked at him for a good 10-20 seconds, all the possibilities running through my mind.
And then I did it. I slipped that single digit up, and standing several feet away, put my hand up pointed at him. "After little girl goes to bed, I want you to come to me." OH, he was upset. And did part of me cower? NO! In fact, I had to fight the smile that threatened to overwhelm me and quiet the woman in me who had all the sudden started jumping up and down screaming "HECK YA!"
These five implements, we all met last night. He told me to strip down completely and then put two pillows at the end of the bed and told me to lay over them. He started hard with the carpet beater. It hurt so much, I couldn't believe there weren't tears falling. He said I deserved to be spanked, and went to the thin loopy. I thought we were done after that. The spanking was so hard, he'd been spanking me for several minutes by this point, but then he brought out the dowel. To any submissives out there, never look back to see what your Dominant is holding, it only makes it worse! lol
Me: "That's supposed to be for conducting music, or practicing magic."
Him: "Oh, it'll be making magic."
It didn't, really. :P Then he put me in the corner, which technically isn't a corner, but against our bedroom closet door. Then the lecture started. I was to control my temper. I was never to give him the finger. We had a young daughter in the room with us, what if she'd seen? I told him I had made very sure to do it where she could not have seen. He asked me if that was the kind of example I wanted to be to her. *Sigh* No, it wasn't.
And then he told me I was to respect him. I flung out of position. I looked at him and said "Finally! You deserve respect, and you should demand it." Never before has he demanded I respect him that I can remember. He always needs me to tell him he is owed it, but never has he demanded. I was sooo proud of him. Finally, he was starting to see himself in a worthy light. It was all worth it in that moment.
Until he said I didn't look contrite enough and started taking the short tilt wand to me. Um, yeah, that's too short, after like 20 strikes he practically threw it and said he needed something else. Out came the pink loopy. In all fairness, it's REALLY HARD to feel contrite when you aimed for this punishment, and it achieved the results you desired, plus more.
He asked if I was good afterwards, and I admitted I was still a bit cranky, and I might need more with the carpet beater. I asked for it because I knew it would really hurt. Except, I didn't realize how much he'd use it on me. He got on the bed, sat against the headboard, got me to climb over his lap, and then started spanking, HARD. If anyone was outside our room at that moment, I never would have been able to explain away the sounds of the Duke spanking me hard at least 50 times, if not more, with that horrid carpet beater.
By the end, I felt that softness in my heart, and that Dom back that I knew my husband needed. We cuddled and it was so nice.
Today I admitted to the manipulation, because I don't manipulate, ever, and felt he needed to know. I am not okay with bratting on the whole... but feel this time I am glad I did... The Duke felt guilty that I felt I had to do it, and I told him he helps me a lot too, we do what we need to.
Me: "I want you to know I will brat like this again, any time you need me to. I'm not saying it may happen, I'm saying from now on, it will if you need."
Him: (Big Smile) "Okay."
Me: "I'd take a spanking like that every night if it meant keeping you with me... but please don't spank me every night." (lol)
Him: "Only every other night." (cheeky grin)
Me: (I dropped my pants and bent over so he could see all the bruises) "I'll take this every single night to make sure things are good between us."
And I would. We're good today. So good. I'm sick, but he's here, we're good, and I barely feel the bruises. If I hadn't looked in the mirror, I would never know. This is new ground for me, a new area I thought I'd never step into, would hate with everything in me if I did. But I'm happy. So, I may have to start earning more punishment spankings... but he's worth it. He's always worth it.
The Duke's Deductions:
Yeah she is really bruised. I just know yesterday she was giving me the middle finger, and I knew I couldn't have it. She is usually pretty good, so I knew I had to punish her. She didn't seem to think I was serious but I was. We waited until that night once the little one was in bed, and then I got out the implements and gave her the spanking I thought she deserved. I'm surprised by how bruised she is, but I spanked her for quite a while last night. I tried different implements. I think the pink loopy on the left was my favorite of the ones I used, but I know the carpet beater was the most painful. I felt like she didn't have my respect, and I wanted to get her to the point when she felt respectful and submissive again. I was trying to decide how much she needed, when was enough. I wanted to see change, that she was less angry, and more respectful. More submissive. I was looking for tears, or to see if she was contrite. I was glad we did it because we're more closer now. I feel like when she's being good, I feel there is nothing for me to do, so I'm glad I had a reason to spank her. Maybe we need to find ways to do this without her having to act out.
PS, A couple hours after writing this post and I'm feeling super guilty about bratting, even with the desired results of getting my husband in a happier place away from the depressed thoughts. This may be a go back and forth thing in my heart and head. I am so female sometimes. The Duke offered to spank me for it, but left the decision up to me... eek, hopefully I don't have to take him up on it to relieve the guilt... my poor bottom might not be able to take it. :)
Or, the five implements he used to teach me a lesson did. I went to bed with welts and woke up with bruises. I fully deserved them, purposefully aimed for them, and am utterly proud to have them. :)
Any of you that have known me or followed me for years know I thrive on being obedient. So, be prepared. REMEMBER, I love the Duke, I love him more than I love myself.
I FLIPPED THE DUKE THE BIRD!
AND I'M SUPER PROUD OF IT. :)
So, you probably want context, because it is not like me to be disrespectful, especially to the man I love.
The Duke had been sliding back all week since last Saturday. I was losing him, and when I lose the Duke, he gets depressed, and retreats inside of himself. Doing DD is the ONLY thing in our marriage that keeps him from being depressed. I don't know why it is, it just is.
IMPORTANT NOTE: This is not to say this will work for anyone else with depression, or to make light of depression in anyway. This is just what works for the Duke, and my attempt to help him.
Usually the Duke sliding back can take many months to fix, with me fighting tooth and nail to get him back out of the sad seclusion he surrounds himself with. But this time, we were at the start of this happening. I had a few talks with him on Thursday and Friday, but still, he was slipping from me.
Saturday night I was tired and cranky from a pretty severe sinus infection, which I am now on antibiotics for, thank goodness. I was frustrated at something, and the Duke told me to "Calm down". And the submissive part of me said to. And then something in me spoke up. What would happen if I didn't listen? And further, what would happen if I pushed his buttons? Maybe I could stop this whole backwards slide into depression again... I looked at him for a good 10-20 seconds, all the possibilities running through my mind.
And then I did it. I slipped that single digit up, and standing several feet away, put my hand up pointed at him. "After little girl goes to bed, I want you to come to me." OH, he was upset. And did part of me cower? NO! In fact, I had to fight the smile that threatened to overwhelm me and quiet the woman in me who had all the sudden started jumping up and down screaming "HECK YA!"
These five implements, we all met last night. He told me to strip down completely and then put two pillows at the end of the bed and told me to lay over them. He started hard with the carpet beater. It hurt so much, I couldn't believe there weren't tears falling. He said I deserved to be spanked, and went to the thin loopy. I thought we were done after that. The spanking was so hard, he'd been spanking me for several minutes by this point, but then he brought out the dowel. To any submissives out there, never look back to see what your Dominant is holding, it only makes it worse! lol
Me: "That's supposed to be for conducting music, or practicing magic."
Him: "Oh, it'll be making magic."
It didn't, really. :P Then he put me in the corner, which technically isn't a corner, but against our bedroom closet door. Then the lecture started. I was to control my temper. I was never to give him the finger. We had a young daughter in the room with us, what if she'd seen? I told him I had made very sure to do it where she could not have seen. He asked me if that was the kind of example I wanted to be to her. *Sigh* No, it wasn't.
And then he told me I was to respect him. I flung out of position. I looked at him and said "Finally! You deserve respect, and you should demand it." Never before has he demanded I respect him that I can remember. He always needs me to tell him he is owed it, but never has he demanded. I was sooo proud of him. Finally, he was starting to see himself in a worthy light. It was all worth it in that moment.
Until he said I didn't look contrite enough and started taking the short tilt wand to me. Um, yeah, that's too short, after like 20 strikes he practically threw it and said he needed something else. Out came the pink loopy. In all fairness, it's REALLY HARD to feel contrite when you aimed for this punishment, and it achieved the results you desired, plus more.
He asked if I was good afterwards, and I admitted I was still a bit cranky, and I might need more with the carpet beater. I asked for it because I knew it would really hurt. Except, I didn't realize how much he'd use it on me. He got on the bed, sat against the headboard, got me to climb over his lap, and then started spanking, HARD. If anyone was outside our room at that moment, I never would have been able to explain away the sounds of the Duke spanking me hard at least 50 times, if not more, with that horrid carpet beater.
By the end, I felt that softness in my heart, and that Dom back that I knew my husband needed. We cuddled and it was so nice.
Today I admitted to the manipulation, because I don't manipulate, ever, and felt he needed to know. I am not okay with bratting on the whole... but feel this time I am glad I did... The Duke felt guilty that I felt I had to do it, and I told him he helps me a lot too, we do what we need to.
Me: "I want you to know I will brat like this again, any time you need me to. I'm not saying it may happen, I'm saying from now on, it will if you need."
Him: (Big Smile) "Okay."
Me: "I'd take a spanking like that every night if it meant keeping you with me... but please don't spank me every night." (lol)
Him: "Only every other night." (cheeky grin)
Me: (I dropped my pants and bent over so he could see all the bruises) "I'll take this every single night to make sure things are good between us."
And I would. We're good today. So good. I'm sick, but he's here, we're good, and I barely feel the bruises. If I hadn't looked in the mirror, I would never know. This is new ground for me, a new area I thought I'd never step into, would hate with everything in me if I did. But I'm happy. So, I may have to start earning more punishment spankings... but he's worth it. He's always worth it.
The Duke's Deductions:
Yeah she is really bruised. I just know yesterday she was giving me the middle finger, and I knew I couldn't have it. She is usually pretty good, so I knew I had to punish her. She didn't seem to think I was serious but I was. We waited until that night once the little one was in bed, and then I got out the implements and gave her the spanking I thought she deserved. I'm surprised by how bruised she is, but I spanked her for quite a while last night. I tried different implements. I think the pink loopy on the left was my favorite of the ones I used, but I know the carpet beater was the most painful. I felt like she didn't have my respect, and I wanted to get her to the point when she felt respectful and submissive again. I was trying to decide how much she needed, when was enough. I wanted to see change, that she was less angry, and more respectful. More submissive. I was looking for tears, or to see if she was contrite. I was glad we did it because we're more closer now. I feel like when she's being good, I feel there is nothing for me to do, so I'm glad I had a reason to spank her. Maybe we need to find ways to do this without her having to act out.
Thursday, February 14, 2019
Throw - Laylah Roberts
I am sick, so many not get to reply to comments on this one, sorry.
I shared yesterday an author I love, and some people wrote in the comments that they had never heard of her, and I got some private emails as well. :) Laylah Roberts is my favourite DD, D/s, BDSM author. I know it can be hard to find good authors, so I think once a month for the next while, I'll share an author I really like in case you've never heard of them until I run out of writers to write about. :)
This is a post I did back in September, so this will be my Throwback Thursday even though it wasn't done all that long ago. :) Both of the books I say are free in this post are still free right now. I am not sure if they will still be long term, or if it's because new books are coming out for both series. I'll put the two new books at the very end of this post. :) :)
Laylah has an AMAZING way of letting you see what the characters think and feel. She really delves into their personalities, and I end up falling in love with them. Her secondary characters are so real too that you often leave desperately wanting a story about them, and that is why her series keep growing. :) I practically begged Saxon book that just came out, lol. I hope you enjoy the two free books if you pick them up. :) Pick up her other books if you like them, they're great. Here is the post.
Book 1 - Just For You, Sir.
The Doms of Decadence series has 8 books. It's a break off from the Old Fashioned Series of hers. It is a group of people that belong to a BDSM club and some of their friends, it also has DD. The opening scene of the first book is very much into the club, but then goes quickly to real life as well. This book is about Jacey, a woman who is hiding from her influential husband, and is homeless until she gets on her feet. Derrick has started to find the whole BDSM scene boring, no longer finding fulfillment just in playing out scenes. He and Jacey meet by accident, and all the sudden, the protective desires he thought he lost and were gone forever come back. But then she's gone, and he has to find her, not knowing she's homeless, because she's finally made him feel. I really liked the male character in this book. I am only 4 books in, but I really, really, like this series so far, and she has broken another series off of this one. Can't wait to read that series too. (Have since read the whole series)
Book 2 - Lila's Loves.
This second series is Haven, DD type books that go into BDSM after the first book, and it currently has four books in it, and I'm so hoping one of the characters gets in on the fifth book! :) I have read the first book easily half a dozen times, maybe more because of how I related for a while to Lila, the lead character, just her need for love and acceptance. Her mother has neglected her, and allows her to be taken by a stranger with three adopted sons. He raises her, but she makes a mistake and falls for the brothers. When they realize as adults she has always thought they always wanted her gone, they set on a course to keep her with them and show her that love really can be unconditional. Some of the scenes are really sweet. This is an earlier story of hers, and she has grown as an author a lot since then, but still a very good read. :)
And if you have Kindle Unlimited, these three books in the Bad Boys of Wildeside Series are free to read as well. They are different than her normal writing, the feel and style is different, but still good. :) Sinclair, even though he is a mob boss, is so human. I love how much he tries to do the right thing, and his reactions when it's not always right. He's unlike any character I've ever read. Very well done.
Here are the new books. Saxon's Soul just came out, Reveal Me, Sir comes out April 23rd. :) Wrote about Saxon's book yesterday if you want my thoughts. Happy reading. :)
I shared yesterday an author I love, and some people wrote in the comments that they had never heard of her, and I got some private emails as well. :) Laylah Roberts is my favourite DD, D/s, BDSM author. I know it can be hard to find good authors, so I think once a month for the next while, I'll share an author I really like in case you've never heard of them until I run out of writers to write about. :)
This is a post I did back in September, so this will be my Throwback Thursday even though it wasn't done all that long ago. :) Both of the books I say are free in this post are still free right now. I am not sure if they will still be long term, or if it's because new books are coming out for both series. I'll put the two new books at the very end of this post. :) :)
Laylah has an AMAZING way of letting you see what the characters think and feel. She really delves into their personalities, and I end up falling in love with them. Her secondary characters are so real too that you often leave desperately wanting a story about them, and that is why her series keep growing. :) I practically begged Saxon book that just came out, lol. I hope you enjoy the two free books if you pick them up. :) Pick up her other books if you like them, they're great. Here is the post.
The Doms of Decadence series has 8 books. It's a break off from the Old Fashioned Series of hers. It is a group of people that belong to a BDSM club and some of their friends, it also has DD. The opening scene of the first book is very much into the club, but then goes quickly to real life as well. This book is about Jacey, a woman who is hiding from her influential husband, and is homeless until she gets on her feet. Derrick has started to find the whole BDSM scene boring, no longer finding fulfillment just in playing out scenes. He and Jacey meet by accident, and all the sudden, the protective desires he thought he lost and were gone forever come back. But then she's gone, and he has to find her, not knowing she's homeless, because she's finally made him feel. I really liked the male character in this book. I am only 4 books in, but I really, really, like this series so far, and she has broken another series off of this one. Can't wait to read that series too. (Have since read the whole series)
Book 2 - Lila's Loves.
This second series is Haven, DD type books that go into BDSM after the first book, and it currently has four books in it, and I'm so hoping one of the characters gets in on the fifth book! :) I have read the first book easily half a dozen times, maybe more because of how I related for a while to Lila, the lead character, just her need for love and acceptance. Her mother has neglected her, and allows her to be taken by a stranger with three adopted sons. He raises her, but she makes a mistake and falls for the brothers. When they realize as adults she has always thought they always wanted her gone, they set on a course to keep her with them and show her that love really can be unconditional. Some of the scenes are really sweet. This is an earlier story of hers, and she has grown as an author a lot since then, but still a very good read. :)
Here are the new books. Saxon's Soul just came out, Reveal Me, Sir comes out April 23rd. :) Wrote about Saxon's book yesterday if you want my thoughts. Happy reading. :)Wednesday, February 13, 2019
A Great Book And A Cute Movie
I have another post in the works, but thought I'd do a lighter post for today. :) Thought I would share a quick note about a book I really liked that came out today, and a cute movie. :)
If you don't already know, I love Laylah Roberts books. Yes, after my post the other day, it may seem weird that I love DD, D/s, BDSM books, but I do. I just skip over the naughty bits if they get to be too much for me, but she does so much dynamic in the scenes, they're not just about sex, so who wants to skip. :P
Laylah Roberts has a series called Haven, Texas. I love it. The first book is free, though it's written different than the other books. Still, a great book to get for free. The fifth book came out today. Saxon's Soul. I have been waiting since book two for there to be a book about Saxon. He is an important character in books 2 and 4 of the series and book 7 in her Doms of Decadence series. He owns a BDSM club and always seems to be taking care of submissives when it looks like their dominants aren't taking good enough care of them, in a way that rubs their doms the wrong way and stirs the fires of their protective and possessive instincts. He likes to play match maker, know everyone's business, and plays at being a know it all. LOL And he's darn sexy doing it. REALLY SEXY. :) I couldn't wait to see him in his own love story. :) I loved this book, and twin baby boys, awww. I spent the week reading the books in the series, wanting to have all that info fresh in my mind for this book. I have not anticipated a book this much in a long time. It had a few flaws, what book doesn't, but definitely a book I will be reading again, and again. :)
Also, I found this cute post in my drafts from October 2018. I'm not sure why I didn't hit publish. But in case you haven't seen the movie Book Club yet, I'll share it. :) It's definitely making me want to watch it again. :)
The Duke and I went on a date today to see Book Club at the theatre for a fund raiser. If you haven't seen it, it has Diane Keaton, Jane Fonda, Mary Steenburgen, and Candice Bergen in it. Can I just say, these are all awesome actresses first of all, but I just love Mary Steenburgen's voice. So sweet. :)
If you haven't seen it, it's about these four ladies that have known each other for the past 40 years, they're all in their 60's/70's. One is divorced, one is widowed, one who does sex but not relationships, and one is in a sexless marriage. When one woman brings four copies of Fifty Shades of Grey on her month to pick a book for their book club, the women don't want to read it, it's too risqué. ;) I mean, what if they were caught reading it? hehe
I LOVED this movie. It doesn't have sex scenes, or bondage. It's just a clean movie you can watch with anyone. Only one line from the book is read out loud if I can remember correctly. It is rated PG. I laughed so hard, so many times. It was great. A great movie about being older, falling in love, finding new life, new excitement, friendship, it just was great. E L James even makes a cameo, which I didn't know about. That was fun to see. :)
It's out on DVD and Netflix now, and if you get the chance to watch it, DD couple or not, I think you'll really enjoy it. I have to admit, most of the people there must not know DD, D/s, BDSM or what have you because there was a joke about a woman having a safe word, and NO ONE but the Duke and I laughed. And the theatre was packed. lol
Laylah Roberts has a series called Haven, Texas. I love it. The first book is free, though it's written different than the other books. Still, a great book to get for free. The fifth book came out today. Saxon's Soul. I have been waiting since book two for there to be a book about Saxon. He is an important character in books 2 and 4 of the series and book 7 in her Doms of Decadence series. He owns a BDSM club and always seems to be taking care of submissives when it looks like their dominants aren't taking good enough care of them, in a way that rubs their doms the wrong way and stirs the fires of their protective and possessive instincts. He likes to play match maker, know everyone's business, and plays at being a know it all. LOL And he's darn sexy doing it. REALLY SEXY. :) I couldn't wait to see him in his own love story. :) I loved this book, and twin baby boys, awww. I spent the week reading the books in the series, wanting to have all that info fresh in my mind for this book. I have not anticipated a book this much in a long time. It had a few flaws, what book doesn't, but definitely a book I will be reading again, and again. :)
Also, I found this cute post in my drafts from October 2018. I'm not sure why I didn't hit publish. But in case you haven't seen the movie Book Club yet, I'll share it. :) It's definitely making me want to watch it again. :)
If you haven't seen it, it's about these four ladies that have known each other for the past 40 years, they're all in their 60's/70's. One is divorced, one is widowed, one who does sex but not relationships, and one is in a sexless marriage. When one woman brings four copies of Fifty Shades of Grey on her month to pick a book for their book club, the women don't want to read it, it's too risqué. ;) I mean, what if they were caught reading it? hehe
I LOVED this movie. It doesn't have sex scenes, or bondage. It's just a clean movie you can watch with anyone. Only one line from the book is read out loud if I can remember correctly. It is rated PG. I laughed so hard, so many times. It was great. A great movie about being older, falling in love, finding new life, new excitement, friendship, it just was great. E L James even makes a cameo, which I didn't know about. That was fun to see. :)
It's out on DVD and Netflix now, and if you get the chance to watch it, DD couple or not, I think you'll really enjoy it. I have to admit, most of the people there must not know DD, D/s, BDSM or what have you because there was a joke about a woman having a safe word, and NO ONE but the Duke and I laughed. And the theatre was packed. lol
Sunday, February 10, 2019
3 Implement Spanking, Corner Time & Lecture
Sooooo..... I have a rule... that I BROKE.
If you've been reading a while, this next paragraph is stuff you probably already know. I think I've shared it on my blog before anyway. In our marriage, we agreed before marriage, no lustful thoughts, no porn, no self pleasuring. We would only seek sexual pleasures in any form in each other. In university (did not finish my degree), they did a crackdown on porn. I was the only female worker in the computer labs, and so they picked me to find any in the caches of the computers, and to report if I found any. I had to check every computer on campus over the course of the month, every month, thankfully it wasn't a huge university! :) What I didn't know when they asked me though, and what I didn't realize until after I was done the job there, was that I'd become addicted. :( So the rules about no lustful thoughts, no porn, no self pleasuring were rules I asked for before we got married, years before we ever talked about DD. It had taken me ten years to get the addiction under control before I dated the Duke, and I wanted help making sure I kept it in control.
Because of this, I skip over sex scenes in books, fast forward them if they show up in a movie, etc. Still, this week, the lustful thoughts came, and I don't know if it was because I was so tired, had so many headaches, I was just being week and stupid, or what, but I entertained some of them, and did so way too long. :( :( :( I would think about imaginary couples doing things that I just should not have been thinking about with the struggles I have. I'd finally get my head together, would remember I'd have to tell the Duke about the thoughts, and then could put them behind me, but they came again, and it wasn't until I'd remember I'd have to tell the Duke that I'd snap out of it. I'd say this happened a half a dozen times or so over a couple days.
The Duke and I had a talk, and I asked to be punished for it. He wasn't going to, but then saw my guilt. That thing I told you about a few days ago, that he promised for today, he did it, and then punished me while he said I had to hold it. I used to wish the Duke would learn to lecture better... can you hear the song playing in the background? "Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it, you just might get it." Some people have a song they use for their life, that should be mine. When they play back the scenes from my life at my funeral, that song should be the one played along with it.
The Duke spanked me with the red carpet beater, then a dowel, and then a loopy. He focused a lot of it on my sit spot. OWIE. See, that's supposed to be a no hit zone, right tihs/subs? If you all agree, the Duke might start to believe me, so feel free to leave your echoes of agreement in the comments! LOL
Along with being spanked, I was lectured like I said above, and he lectured good. He told me what he expected of me, and what I would do right away in the future when the bad thoughts came. He gave me step by step instructions of ways to fight the thoughts. Then, after I was red, and he ran his fingernails over my welts... who in the world taught him to do this!?!?! He's done it for the past few months after every spanking. After that was done, he pulled me to him and cuddled me. Still, I didn't feel like I'd been fully dealt with. I still had this guilt. I had been talking with someone this week about corner time, and wondered if that would help... so I asked the Duke if I could suggest adding that. I was ordered to the corner, and then he came up behind me, lectured me a lot, told me the next time I was punished over this, it would be much harder, and then he took the loopy to the back of my thighs about half a dozen times. He told me I was naked in front of him, and that I couldn't hide anything from him, and he meant more than just physically. I stood there for probably only five minutes before my stomach cramped too much and I had to leave the room... but the corner time was VERY effective. It, along with the lecture, helped clear the rest of the guilt. I feel so free now. Forgiven. Cleansed of guilt.
Now that I have his help, I can probably get back to my normal self pretty quickly. Knowing what the triggers were will help me avoid this in the future, I hope. Having the Duke lay out clear guidelines if my mind starts to wander into places it shouldn't, will help me as well. And knowing I'll pay a lot more than I did this time, will hopefully also be a deterrent. I know this is not a struggle for a lot of women, but if I start down this path with these kinds of thoughts, I end up in a dark place in my head that I do not like. Cutting this off right now is the very best thing for me, and I'm so glad that even though he didn't feel it needed a punishment, that he saw it was what I needed, and helped me, and will help me in the future if I need. Which I hope I don't.
Are you guys liking when the Duke comments at the end? Sometimes he asks to write one, sometimes I ask him if he would write one, and then tonight we both agreed he'd do one without either of us really asking.
The Duke's Deductions:
I knew that Esmay felt really guilty and upset today, so that is why I punished her. I tried to give her a hard spanking with lecturing. I tried to give her the spanking I thought she needed and to not let her reactions to its pain cause me to back off. I thought she needed to know I would take care of her and discipline her when needed. I believe that if a sub feels guilty about something, even if it is something the Hoh may not necessarily blame her for, he still needs to take the steps to deal with it. If a punishment is what the Tih really needs, then that is what the Hoh needs to be willing to give her.
If you've been reading a while, this next paragraph is stuff you probably already know. I think I've shared it on my blog before anyway. In our marriage, we agreed before marriage, no lustful thoughts, no porn, no self pleasuring. We would only seek sexual pleasures in any form in each other. In university (did not finish my degree), they did a crackdown on porn. I was the only female worker in the computer labs, and so they picked me to find any in the caches of the computers, and to report if I found any. I had to check every computer on campus over the course of the month, every month, thankfully it wasn't a huge university! :) What I didn't know when they asked me though, and what I didn't realize until after I was done the job there, was that I'd become addicted. :( So the rules about no lustful thoughts, no porn, no self pleasuring were rules I asked for before we got married, years before we ever talked about DD. It had taken me ten years to get the addiction under control before I dated the Duke, and I wanted help making sure I kept it in control.
Because of this, I skip over sex scenes in books, fast forward them if they show up in a movie, etc. Still, this week, the lustful thoughts came, and I don't know if it was because I was so tired, had so many headaches, I was just being week and stupid, or what, but I entertained some of them, and did so way too long. :( :( :( I would think about imaginary couples doing things that I just should not have been thinking about with the struggles I have. I'd finally get my head together, would remember I'd have to tell the Duke about the thoughts, and then could put them behind me, but they came again, and it wasn't until I'd remember I'd have to tell the Duke that I'd snap out of it. I'd say this happened a half a dozen times or so over a couple days.
The Duke and I had a talk, and I asked to be punished for it. He wasn't going to, but then saw my guilt. That thing I told you about a few days ago, that he promised for today, he did it, and then punished me while he said I had to hold it. I used to wish the Duke would learn to lecture better... can you hear the song playing in the background? "Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it, you just might get it." Some people have a song they use for their life, that should be mine. When they play back the scenes from my life at my funeral, that song should be the one played along with it.
The Duke spanked me with the red carpet beater, then a dowel, and then a loopy. He focused a lot of it on my sit spot. OWIE. See, that's supposed to be a no hit zone, right tihs/subs? If you all agree, the Duke might start to believe me, so feel free to leave your echoes of agreement in the comments! LOL
 |
He didn't realize he'd colour coordinated, how thoughtful of him. LOL
The squares on the quilt are 6 inches, so the dowel is about 20" and the other two are about 14" I'd say.
|
Along with being spanked, I was lectured like I said above, and he lectured good. He told me what he expected of me, and what I would do right away in the future when the bad thoughts came. He gave me step by step instructions of ways to fight the thoughts. Then, after I was red, and he ran his fingernails over my welts... who in the world taught him to do this!?!?! He's done it for the past few months after every spanking. After that was done, he pulled me to him and cuddled me. Still, I didn't feel like I'd been fully dealt with. I still had this guilt. I had been talking with someone this week about corner time, and wondered if that would help... so I asked the Duke if I could suggest adding that. I was ordered to the corner, and then he came up behind me, lectured me a lot, told me the next time I was punished over this, it would be much harder, and then he took the loopy to the back of my thighs about half a dozen times. He told me I was naked in front of him, and that I couldn't hide anything from him, and he meant more than just physically. I stood there for probably only five minutes before my stomach cramped too much and I had to leave the room... but the corner time was VERY effective. It, along with the lecture, helped clear the rest of the guilt. I feel so free now. Forgiven. Cleansed of guilt.
Now that I have his help, I can probably get back to my normal self pretty quickly. Knowing what the triggers were will help me avoid this in the future, I hope. Having the Duke lay out clear guidelines if my mind starts to wander into places it shouldn't, will help me as well. And knowing I'll pay a lot more than I did this time, will hopefully also be a deterrent. I know this is not a struggle for a lot of women, but if I start down this path with these kinds of thoughts, I end up in a dark place in my head that I do not like. Cutting this off right now is the very best thing for me, and I'm so glad that even though he didn't feel it needed a punishment, that he saw it was what I needed, and helped me, and will help me in the future if I need. Which I hope I don't.
Are you guys liking when the Duke comments at the end? Sometimes he asks to write one, sometimes I ask him if he would write one, and then tonight we both agreed he'd do one without either of us really asking.
The Duke's Deductions:
I knew that Esmay felt really guilty and upset today, so that is why I punished her. I tried to give her a hard spanking with lecturing. I tried to give her the spanking I thought she needed and to not let her reactions to its pain cause me to back off. I thought she needed to know I would take care of her and discipline her when needed. I believe that if a sub feels guilty about something, even if it is something the Hoh may not necessarily blame her for, he still needs to take the steps to deal with it. If a punishment is what the Tih really needs, then that is what the Hoh needs to be willing to give her.
Thursday, February 07, 2019
Exhausted And Still Submitting
Does exhaustion play into your submission? I'm exhausted. No, I'm beyond exhausted. I'm holding onto sanity with both hands, afraid if one hand lets go, I'll lose touch with reality. Like, as in I'll start laughing, and not be able to stop, or something like that. Oih. Anyone want to join me?
Baby girl is not a sleeper. Even back when she was around 6-9 months of age I took her to the doctor because she was only sleeping 7 hours a day, including both naps, and waking often in the night. A few years later, and she still doesn't sleep, and this week she's decided she only needs like 4-6 hours a night. Which, when I want to get my book done this month, is making it impossible to get much sleep myself. Yesterday and today I couldn't even concentrate, my head hurts so much, my muscles and joints ache, and I just want to sleep.
In the midst of telling the Duke on the phone while he was at work how hard of a time I was having today, my stomach rolled, and I made a comment about the acid reflux bothering me today. Remember I said the Duke used to ignore me?????? He mentioned doing that thing... I mentioned a week or two ago, again (sorry, I can't type it out here, it's just too embarrassing) He's already done it once again, and wants to this weekend. And I just started crying. I'm so tired, I don't want to have to do something I don't want to do. He asked me a few questions about it. If I believed in lying, I could have gotten him to change his mind... but I don't lie. I closed my eyes as the questions came at me, knowing each truthful answer I gave would only further ensure that it would happen this weekend. He had to repeat a couple of the questions over again because admitting the truth was so hard and I couldn't seem to get the words out of my mouth. I answered, it didn't hurt (well mostly, and I shared that too), it was helping, etc.
I am not sure I have ever felt more submissive in my life than in that moment, knowing he expected an answer, and my answers were only going to enforce him doing something I don't want him to. Each answer I gave only solidified his resolve, and I knew it would. If I'd read something like this in a novel, a dominant man making his wife answer questions just to ensure her mind was submitting as much as her body, I'd think it was so sexy. I am not sure that is a fair practice in real life, living it is a whole different ball game. We should not be forced to answer questions that only make it more certain we will have to do the very thing we don't want to go. Just saying. :)
Okay, okay, it's effective, really effective, and to be honest, a real mind.... sheesh, what do you call it when you aren't allowed to swear? A mind screwing? A mind messing up? lol But I still say it's not fair. :)
So here I sit, exhausted, wanting to fight with him, yet knowing he's fully expecting me to obey. Sooo... anyone have anything they NEED me to help them with this weekend? It would help if it could take ALL weekend long. :) You know, some of you may need a visit? A love one you need me to sit with? Babysitting so you can take a mini vacation? Heck, I'll even do housework! :) A toilet plunged? No problem, just make sure it's good and stuck so I can justify it taking over 48 hours to fix. :)
*Sigh* The submissiveness sits there, weighing on my chest. It's a good feeling, a comforting feeling, but I feel so utterly vulnerable right now, like so exposed and almost scared with how deep the longing is I have for his control. Is it wrong, that even in not wanting to obey, I utterly crave him controlling me right now? Hoping for sleep tonight. I miss sleep. I thought I'd be sleeping by this point in my life.
I want to just post this, but the Duke saw my struggle in writing, and now is insisting I show him before I post. *gulp*
The Duke's Deductions:
I noticed that Esmay has been having a hard time lately and she mentioned her acid reflux. I knew I wanted to help her so I mentioned it. I told her I thought we should do this thing again, and I asked her if it would help with her acid reflux as I believed it did. I had remembered we had found that out, but I do know sometimes I misremember things so I wanted to make sure she was on the same page as me. I understand that out of love I care for her physical well being, and in my role I get to tell her to do things that are good for her health that she may not otherwise want to do. I do like the submissiveness that comes from it as well. When she started crying, I asked her if it caused her pain. I was worried that in the time since we last did it that she may have had a lot of pain inside her, that maybe we had done something wrong, or there was some other issue with her that a doctor would need to look at. When she was hesitating to answer me, I was realizing that the issue wasn't that it was physically hurting her, she was just scared of the idea of doing it again. I understood that the idea may not have sounded appealing to her, but I knew it was the best for her health. Also, if she knows I am going to tell her we are doing it even if she doesn't necessarily wants to, then she knows that taking care of her is more important to me than anything else.
Well, go figure, I asked him after he wrote all that if he meant to mess with my mind with the questions, because it sure didn't sound like it in what he wrote, and said that wasn't what he was trying to do. Wow, he sure did a good job of it if that wasn't his goal. LOL He said he's going to keep the idea of messing with my mind for the future though. And see, there, I created my own problem in assuming his intentions. Ladies, don't assume, and if you do, don't let your HOH know what you're assuming. It will only get you into trouble most of the time. EEK! lol And that last line of his... I love when he writes on here, because he'll share things on here that he doesn't necessarily think to share in person. It makes it more special. He laughed as I read that part to him just now. :) :) :) Goodness, I love this man, even though what he asks of me is sometimes hard.
CUTE NOTE!!! - Duke grabbed me and hugged me after we finished this post, because of how I admitted how vulnerable I am. Then he fisted his hand in my hair so I could feel his dominance. He makes it look from the outside like he is petting my head, or resting his hand on my head so no one knows the truth of what is going on. That was proven just now. Our daughter "AWWWW!!! Daddy loves you so much!" Yes, yes he does. Oh, kids are so cute. :)
Baby girl is not a sleeper. Even back when she was around 6-9 months of age I took her to the doctor because she was only sleeping 7 hours a day, including both naps, and waking often in the night. A few years later, and she still doesn't sleep, and this week she's decided she only needs like 4-6 hours a night. Which, when I want to get my book done this month, is making it impossible to get much sleep myself. Yesterday and today I couldn't even concentrate, my head hurts so much, my muscles and joints ache, and I just want to sleep.
In the midst of telling the Duke on the phone while he was at work how hard of a time I was having today, my stomach rolled, and I made a comment about the acid reflux bothering me today. Remember I said the Duke used to ignore me?????? He mentioned doing that thing... I mentioned a week or two ago, again (sorry, I can't type it out here, it's just too embarrassing) He's already done it once again, and wants to this weekend. And I just started crying. I'm so tired, I don't want to have to do something I don't want to do. He asked me a few questions about it. If I believed in lying, I could have gotten him to change his mind... but I don't lie. I closed my eyes as the questions came at me, knowing each truthful answer I gave would only further ensure that it would happen this weekend. He had to repeat a couple of the questions over again because admitting the truth was so hard and I couldn't seem to get the words out of my mouth. I answered, it didn't hurt (well mostly, and I shared that too), it was helping, etc.
I am not sure I have ever felt more submissive in my life than in that moment, knowing he expected an answer, and my answers were only going to enforce him doing something I don't want him to. Each answer I gave only solidified his resolve, and I knew it would. If I'd read something like this in a novel, a dominant man making his wife answer questions just to ensure her mind was submitting as much as her body, I'd think it was so sexy. I am not sure that is a fair practice in real life, living it is a whole different ball game. We should not be forced to answer questions that only make it more certain we will have to do the very thing we don't want to go. Just saying. :)
Okay, okay, it's effective, really effective, and to be honest, a real mind.... sheesh, what do you call it when you aren't allowed to swear? A mind screwing? A mind messing up? lol But I still say it's not fair. :)
So here I sit, exhausted, wanting to fight with him, yet knowing he's fully expecting me to obey. Sooo... anyone have anything they NEED me to help them with this weekend? It would help if it could take ALL weekend long. :) You know, some of you may need a visit? A love one you need me to sit with? Babysitting so you can take a mini vacation? Heck, I'll even do housework! :) A toilet plunged? No problem, just make sure it's good and stuck so I can justify it taking over 48 hours to fix. :)
*Sigh* The submissiveness sits there, weighing on my chest. It's a good feeling, a comforting feeling, but I feel so utterly vulnerable right now, like so exposed and almost scared with how deep the longing is I have for his control. Is it wrong, that even in not wanting to obey, I utterly crave him controlling me right now? Hoping for sleep tonight. I miss sleep. I thought I'd be sleeping by this point in my life.
I want to just post this, but the Duke saw my struggle in writing, and now is insisting I show him before I post. *gulp*
The Duke's Deductions:
I noticed that Esmay has been having a hard time lately and she mentioned her acid reflux. I knew I wanted to help her so I mentioned it. I told her I thought we should do this thing again, and I asked her if it would help with her acid reflux as I believed it did. I had remembered we had found that out, but I do know sometimes I misremember things so I wanted to make sure she was on the same page as me. I understand that out of love I care for her physical well being, and in my role I get to tell her to do things that are good for her health that she may not otherwise want to do. I do like the submissiveness that comes from it as well. When she started crying, I asked her if it caused her pain. I was worried that in the time since we last did it that she may have had a lot of pain inside her, that maybe we had done something wrong, or there was some other issue with her that a doctor would need to look at. When she was hesitating to answer me, I was realizing that the issue wasn't that it was physically hurting her, she was just scared of the idea of doing it again. I understood that the idea may not have sounded appealing to her, but I knew it was the best for her health. Also, if she knows I am going to tell her we are doing it even if she doesn't necessarily wants to, then she knows that taking care of her is more important to me than anything else.
Well, go figure, I asked him after he wrote all that if he meant to mess with my mind with the questions, because it sure didn't sound like it in what he wrote, and said that wasn't what he was trying to do. Wow, he sure did a good job of it if that wasn't his goal. LOL He said he's going to keep the idea of messing with my mind for the future though. And see, there, I created my own problem in assuming his intentions. Ladies, don't assume, and if you do, don't let your HOH know what you're assuming. It will only get you into trouble most of the time. EEK! lol And that last line of his... I love when he writes on here, because he'll share things on here that he doesn't necessarily think to share in person. It makes it more special. He laughed as I read that part to him just now. :) :) :) Goodness, I love this man, even though what he asks of me is sometimes hard.
CUTE NOTE!!! - Duke grabbed me and hugged me after we finished this post, because of how I admitted how vulnerable I am. Then he fisted his hand in my hair so I could feel his dominance. He makes it look from the outside like he is petting my head, or resting his hand on my head so no one knows the truth of what is going on. That was proven just now. Our daughter "AWWWW!!! Daddy loves you so much!" Yes, yes he does. Oh, kids are so cute. :)
Sunday, February 03, 2019
DD Can Help Grief
For those of you that have joined us this year, you may not know this about us, but it's something I'm processing this week. Eight years ago this coming week we welcomed a beautiful baby boy into the world, and two hours later, had to say goodbye. We knew when I was in labour he would not live long, the question was if he would be born alive at all, so those two hours were very precious to us. We took more photos of him in that two hours than we probably did of baby girl in her first three days or more. lol.
First of all, please, those of you that have been reading for years, because we talked of him often, you probably remember his name, if you do, could you not share it in the comments? :) Just trying to protect our privacy more now. Thank you.
So, I'm looking back, and am so glad we have DD, D/s now. They are great for grief. It is so helpful, at least as a tih. I can't speak for the HOH, I'll ask the Duke if he'll post his thoughts below. :) But for me, how we live was great for my grief.
50% That is the number of marriages that apparently split after the loss of a child, even within hours after birth. 50% That is also the number of women who try to commit suicide after losing a baby during the post partum period. A social worker during labour delivered these not so happy numbers.
Those of you who read back 5 or 6 years ago will know all this I'm about to share, sorry for the repeat. To understand where I was to see how much the Duke helped me, I was labelled "Severe Post Partum accompanied by Grief". Those are forever imprinted on every single medical file I have, no matter that I have healed and am well past that now. I know I wasn't weak, but still, part of me feels it's a forever record of just how bad I fell apart. Grief is it's own depression. It isn't known if I would have had Post Partum naturally, I didn't with our daughter, but the hormones and grief set it off. My milk still came in, that inner voice to check on your child every few hours stayed for a few months, and more. I was also diagnosed, because it was my first child, as having loss of identity as a mother, even though several tried to tell me I was still a mom. The last of the four depressions was a crisis of faith. I felt God had used my hearts desire against me, we weren't supposed to be able to have our own children, and felt teased with the miracle of getting pregnant and then him being stolen from me, etc. I felt He had utterly and completely betrayed me and it took a long time for my anger against Him to pass. All of this was explained to me by someone in the mental health field when they saw I was getting confused over all the terms the counsellor and psychiatrist were throwing at me. (Doctors got me to go for a handful of visits to both afterwards) My plate was full, and she proved it.
In the middle of all this, I call it hell, there was the Duke. The reason I didn't commit suicide was because first of all, I'm a chicken, I couldn't seem to do it, but also, the Duke kept barging in and not letting me have the time to get talk myself into being brave enough to do it. In fact, the Duke fought a knife away from me one day, and I even got a nick in the fight against him. The poor man, how I must have scared him. :( :( I feel HORRIBLE about that now. I just was so out of my mind missing my son. The reason our marriage is still intact is because, when it got to it's worst, and I tried to leave the house and never, ever come back, I wanted to be anywhere else, because anywhere else wouldn't hurt as bad, the Duke blocked the doors and refused to let me leave in the condition I was in. I can't thank him enough. And then we started DD. Having his strength, having him help me cry out all the negative emotions, being held accountable for how I lived my life when I was self destructing on my own, helped me so much. The Duke behind me gave me the freedom to fight with God and go back to Him. When I would get too dark, the Duke had the right to make me face the day, to rescue me from sinking deeper into oblivion or hatred. When I would get angry at the world, he'd spank me if I needed so that I could cry it out, and realize it was just my pain talking. When things became overwhelming, he could step in and tell me I'd done enough, that I needed to rest and not worry about what others thought. It was so freeing to answer to someone instead of being in charge of it all myself. In a way, it rescues you from having to figure out for yourself what you need compared to what you want to do.
One night, I'll never forget, he had gone earlier in the week and found a Jane Austen movie playing on TV without telling me. He then got a treat for take out that night, and brought it home. He pulled up the movie on Masterpiece Theatre when it came on and told me he wanted to watch it with me. And he did, he watched the WHOLE thing and repeated the whole evening a week or two later when Masterpiece Theatre played another Jane Austen movie. My husband, and Jane Austen, never, but because he loved me, and wanted to do something nice for me in the middle of all the pain, I will never, ever forget that. It was a crummy old apartment, we didn't have money for good food, my heart was in a million pieces, but I will forever cherish that among my most favourite memories ever.
So, grief is one of the things you don't hear often about in this lifestyle, but another reason I'm so glad we have it. This year, it's amazing how much healing there has been. I don't feel tears remembering our son today, and I'm not digging too deep inside myself today so that I stay that way. :) That could change on his birthday, I don't know, but for now, I'm in a much better place because of how the Duke helped me. Time didn't help, it was supposed to, that is what everyone says, but it didn't. In fact, until DD really took root, (over two years later) I was getting worse every day. The anger and bitterness, fear and hurting, grew to very scary depths. As my friend's former fiancé said when they found out we practice DD, "She can go from happy to dark in 0 to 60. This could be good for her." He and I didn't really get along usually, but what he said was so true because of the grief. And DD really was good for me, during the grief, and several years past. :)
Thank you, Duke, for helping me get to where I am today. I will never, ever forget how you saved me, and our marriage. :)
The Duke's Deductions:
You are very welcome Esmay. It was a very difficult process to get through when we lost out son. It was so sad getting to know him and then having to say goodbye and then all that time afterwards not understanding why we had to say goodbye, remembering the time I had with him, and being sad about missing him. I really want to thank Esmay for staying with me through it. I think DD does help because it gave me something to focus on, and another person (my spouse) to think about. I feel that it helped Esmay and our relationship for us to use DD at that time. I remember hearing that it is easy to break apart if after losing a child you don't go through things together. I thought DD was a good way for us to still work on our relationship and still focus on each other. I am thankful Esmay went through this with me.
You are very welcome Esmay. It was a very difficult process to get through when we lost out son. It was so sad getting to know him and then having to say goodbye and then all that time afterwards not understanding why we had to say goodbye, remembering the time I had with him, and being sad about missing him. I really want to thank Esmay for staying with me through it. I think DD does help because it gave me something to focus on, and another person (my spouse) to think about. I feel that it helped Esmay and our relationship for us to use DD at that time. I remember hearing that it is easy to break apart if after losing a child you don't go through things together. I thought DD was a good way for us to still work on our relationship and still focus on each other. I am thankful Esmay went through this with me.
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