We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Monday, February 04, 2013

Today Was Okay

Tonight was so weird.  I tried to focus on our son.  I couldn't.  I tried to focus on spending the evening with my husband, and I found I just couldn't connect.  My husband even gave me a good spanking to try to help me, and it didn't happen.  I didn't cry.  I didn't cry about my son, I didn't cry about the spanking.  I did cry for a minute admitting I was a bit scared of ever being pregnant again, but it felt fake, and the second I admitted that to myself, the tears stopped cold.

I think that with all that happened this week, I just had nothing left in me.  I'm hoping that is it anyway! :)

Here's hoping tomorrow is different. :) 

I want to thank you all for your support this week.  I think it helped a lot in me being able to get my work day today okay. :)  I actually feel I'm getting closer to the end of my grief.  That would be so awesomely beautiful if that is true. :)  Today I could think about my son with love, and peace.  It was great.

Sorry I don't have much to really write or process tonight, but with you all praying for me, I wanted to let you know that today was so much easier than I expected, and I wanted to say thank you to you all! :)  And the disconnect, I do wonder if maybe it's just exhaustion, and once I can sleep later this week maybe I'll be back to normal. :)

Night all. :)


  1. Hi Hun
    First I'm so sure I out a reply to your last post but it's disappeared. It could have been my fault I was in a bit of a rush.
    Anyway just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going through this. But keep talking to your husband and let him help you through this.
    It's such a difficult time and it just doesn't seem to be over for you, you still need time to heal.
    I know you're afraid of becoming pregnant again and that must be so hard.
    I wish I had some really good advise for you, but am at a loss.
    Just try and stay positive and don't give up hope. I had a friend in a similar situation and I kept telling her not to give up but to be relaxed and let it happen. She's having her second baby any day now.
    Good things happen to good people, and you defiantly deserve it x

  2. When you said that, I had to go back and check my published comments because I KNEW you had written to my last post. Somehow when I published them all, it missed yours. I am SO sorry about that, I fixed it. :)

    I hope I can keep talking to him about this, I woke up this morning after not sleeping well, and feel distant, but I think getting extra sleep tomorrow will really help.

    That is so wonderful for your friend. :) I know the next baby we have can live... but we've known so much sorrow, that I know to get there I'll have a long, hard journey, but I pray that if God will bless us with another baby, that I can relax during the pregnancy. :) Thank you SOOOOO much for your support. I can't believe how great you all have been. {{{HUGS}}}

  3. Hi Es May,

    I agree with Mustbecrazy, she said it beautifully. I'm so glad that today was a little easier than you thought it would be. As for the disconnect, I think you are right, you are wrung out with emotion and exhausted.

    Be gentle with yourself and let your husband help you through this.

    Love and ((Hugs))

    1. Thank you, I'm really hoping I can let him. :) It's funny, in so many ways I'm feeling closer to my husband in DD, but the weird thing is, I notice here or there I want to withdraw in other areas that I've never withdrawn in before... this is a weird learning curve I didn't see coming.

  4. Exhaustion can do terrible things to us. I hope you can rest today and tonight...in your man's arms.

    1. Tonight we did go to watch a movie, first time in months. Was nice, and he was very sweet. :)

  5. I think that does happen sometimes...we just become emotionally drained and need a little time to recharge until we can be "in the moment" and present once again. I hope you get sometimes to do just that this week!

    1. I plan on doing some housework tomorrow, but other than that, I plan to sleep in, and then rest the rest of the day away until hubby comes home. :)

  6. I am sorry you have to experience any of this.

    Letting grief come and expressing it is healthy. Your strength and faith is inspiring to say the least! I pray that you will be blessed with a child some day that you can watch as you grow old together with your husband.

    Saying Hugs doesn't seem to be enough.

    1. Saying Hugs is actually just perfect! :) You humble me with your compliments. Thank you so much for seeing that in me, and I really hope to see that in myself as well someday! :)

  7. Be gentle with yourself Es May. And do try to keep those lines of communication open with your husband. (((hugs)))

    1. Hmmm, lines as in the ones I get on my bottom when he chooses certain implements? ;) Thank you... I do tend to be my own worse critic at times, and do need to be reminded to be more gentle with myself. Thank you for the reminder... I really needed that today. :)


Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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