I am sorry I haven't been writing. I have been sick. That's all there is to it. S.I.C.K!
I hate being sick, but being sick for over two months now? That totally sucks. :( I finally went back to the doctor's last night, for the third time in over just a month. It's a clinic, so I've had a different doctor each time. I can get into my family doctor, but it's usually a few weeks wait, which is why we have the clinics for things that need to be dealt with more immediately but aren't severe enough for a trip to the emergency room.
This doctor told me he wasn't surprised I was sick as long as I was. He told me I should have had a longer dose of the last antibiotic I was given, and told me to take FOUR days off of work. Luckily I have two of those days off anyway, so it saves the budget. :) He joked with me when he gave me the prescription for a new antibiotic, 14 days worth! and the note for work that if this and the nasal spray he gave me didn't work, he'd just shoot me next time. ;) I had a good laugh, he was a nice, funny doctor.
So anyway, I want to blame all of this on why my Saturday night with Hubby was SOOOOOOO BAD! Why I couldn't submit. But it honestly isn't the reason. And from here on in, if I don't make total sense, please forgive me.
So on Saturday night Hubby told me it was time for maintenance. I told him I didn't want to do it. My head is so fuzzy right now, I can't recall all that went on, but I will tell you what I do remember.
I told him I didn't want to do DD right then. I told him I was getting such mixed signals from him, that I didn't know if I was coming or going, or what. He hasn't been stepping up to hold me accountable to anything lately. Yes, I know part of this is because I'm sick, but being sick so long, we were just getting into a groove when I got sick, and it was so soon into our DD relationship, that I feel it's messed everything up.
But since the punishments have been lacking, all the sudden so is his self esteem. He's panicking over things he only used to before DD, he's not using any authority, and he's all stressed. So put all this together and I feel like I'm in charge again. It's been bothering me. And so when he said it was time for maintenance, I was anything but feeling submissive. I felt forced back into control. I felt we were only playing at DD, and I was hurt. We talked, and talked, and talked, and it finally came out that my Hubby only does DD because I want him to. He does like the changes I was going through, but it isn't a life style he would choose. I couldn't breathe.
I am the oldest of four, and it was when I was four that my mother backed out as a mother. She stayed in bed all day. She only came out to yell at us kids, and physically abuse me. I raised my brother and sisters while my dad was at work, and often even while he was home because he and my mom fought so much. I had learned to be in charge and in control from the age of four. That's been my whole life. I'm tired. I can't do it anymore. He's known since we dated that I wanted to let go of the control, and when he showed alpha male traits when we dated, I thought that is what would happen. But literally, as soon as we got married he backed off and left me in charge of everything. By the time I learned about DD this past summer I felt rescued, I couldn't be in control anymore, and here were guidelines to help us out.
So when he admitted on Saturday night that left to him he wouldn't do DD, I couldn't breathe. Being sick doesn't help, but I can't go back. I can't. I want to tell you I can be in a marriage and survive anything. But I can't be the HoH of our house. I've been in charge of so much since before I went to school as a child. I'm about to burn out. I need someone else to come in and take over. And REALLY take over. So I hyperventilated. LITERALLY. I don't do that. I did it during hours of labour, not being able to face delivering a child that would only live a few hours, if born alive at all, thankfully we had two beautiful hours with him, but other than that, have NEVER hyperventilated in my life. I can't go back. I just can't. But I also told him I didn't want to force him to change, that I would just go back if I had to, but even as I said it, I had no idea how I'd make it through. I could feel myself dying inside. I just kept saying I didn't want to force him, and each time I said it, I felt the life going out of me.
Missy Jones, I hope you don't mind, I showed him your post. It took a long time of talking before I showed it to him, but I had read it earlier in the day, and I thought it would explain to him better why I need this lifestyle than I could do on my own, because I wasn't getting anywhere.
He agreed after more talking that DD is what I needed, and deep down, even though he wouldn't have chosen this lifestyle, he did see it was what I needed, and that it had been working for both of us. We had both been better for it when he was being more stern. It was too late to do a maintenance at this point, we were both exhausted. We went to bed, and then he drove me to work the next morning. But a blizzard came, and we couldn't get home Sunday night nor Monday, so stayed with friends. We've talked as we could behind closed doors and have worked out more things together, but I can't wait to finally be alone with him tonight.
It's maintenance tonight, we were doing it twice a week, and I know he'll hold nothing back now, or at least I pray so. I also showed him last night the charts that Silence put in his post yesterday. He said it made sense, and I could see the light bulb go off in his head. :)
So hopefully now we won't just be playing at DD, even if I am sick, and I think that's part of why I was so snarky after my last maintenance too, I was already unravelling. The maintenance we need, yes, but if that's all we do, and I know I'm slipping in areas, then I need those addressed, even when I'm sick and need more help. Otherwise the maintenance is just a spanking session, and not real role affirmation. Yes, I'll have to do shorter work outs because I'm running out of breath with my lungs restricted, but I can still do some. Yes, the house will have some chores not get done, but I can still keep up with others. I need to be held accountable to that.
Let's hope tonight goes well. I can already see his confidence returning. I'm so glad. After tonight, we'll see if I can sit down, and how confident he is after that! Let's just pray I can stay in position!