UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Can We Get Back? Maybe Better Than Before?

I am sorry I haven't been writing.  I have been sick.  That's all there is to it.  S.I.C.K! 

I hate being sick, but being sick for over two months now?  That totally sucks. :(  I finally went back to the doctor's last night, for the third time in over just a month.  It's a clinic, so I've had a different doctor each time.  I can get into my family doctor, but it's usually a few weeks wait, which is why we have the clinics for things that need to be dealt with more immediately but aren't severe enough for a trip to the emergency room.

This doctor told me he wasn't surprised I was sick as long as I was.  He told me I should have had a longer dose of the last antibiotic I was given, and told me to take FOUR days off of work.  Luckily I have two of those days off anyway, so it saves the budget. :)  He joked with me when he gave me the prescription for a new antibiotic, 14 days worth! and the note for work that if this and the nasal spray he gave me didn't work, he'd just shoot me next time. ;)  I had a good laugh, he was a nice, funny doctor.

So anyway, I want to blame all of this on why my Saturday night with Hubby was SOOOOOOO BAD!  Why I couldn't submit.  But it honestly isn't the reason.  And from here on in, if I don't make total sense, please forgive me.

So on Saturday night Hubby told me it was time for maintenance.  I told him I didn't want to do it.  My head is so fuzzy right now, I can't recall all that went on, but I will tell you what I do remember.

I told him I didn't want to do DD right then.  I told him I was getting such mixed signals from him, that I didn't know if I was coming or going, or what.  He hasn't been stepping up to hold me accountable to anything lately.  Yes, I know part of this is because I'm sick, but being sick so long, we were just getting into a groove when I got sick, and it was so soon into our DD relationship, that I feel it's messed everything up.

But since the punishments have been lacking, all the sudden so is his self esteem.  He's panicking over things he only used to before DD, he's not using any authority, and he's all stressed.  So put all this together and I feel like I'm in charge again.  It's been bothering me.  And so when he said it was time for maintenance, I was anything but feeling submissive.  I felt forced back into control.  I felt we were only playing at DD, and I was hurt.  We talked, and talked, and talked, and it finally came out that my Hubby only does DD because I want him to.  He does like the changes I was going through, but it isn't a life style he would choose.  I couldn't breathe.

I am the oldest of four, and it was when I was four that my mother backed out as a mother.  She stayed in bed all day.  She only came out to yell at us kids, and physically abuse me.  I raised my brother and sisters while my dad was at work, and often even while he was home because he and my mom fought so much.  I had learned to be in charge and in control from the age of four.  That's been my whole life.  I'm tired.  I can't do it anymore.  He's known since we dated that I wanted to let go of the control, and when he showed alpha male traits when we dated, I thought that is what would happen.  But literally, as soon as we got married he backed off and left me in charge of everything.  By the time I learned about DD this past summer I felt rescued, I couldn't be in control anymore, and here were guidelines to help us out.

So when he admitted on Saturday night that left to him he wouldn't do DD, I couldn't breathe.  Being sick doesn't help, but I can't go back.  I can't.  I want to tell you I can be in a marriage and survive anything.  But I can't be the HoH of our house.  I've been in charge of so much since before I went to school as a child.  I'm about to burn out.  I need someone else to come in and take over.  And REALLY take over.  So I hyperventilated.  LITERALLY.  I don't do that.  I did it during hours of labour, not being able to face delivering a child that would only live a few hours, if born alive at all, thankfully we had two beautiful hours with him, but other than that, have NEVER hyperventilated in my life.  I can't go back.  I just can't.  But I also told him I didn't want to force him to change, that I would just go back if I had to, but even as I said it, I had no idea how I'd make it through.  I could feel myself dying inside.  I just kept saying I didn't want to force him, and each time I said it, I felt the life going out of me.

Missy Jones, I hope you don't mind, I showed him your post.  It took a long time of talking before I showed it to him, but I had read it earlier in the day, and I thought it would explain to him better why I need this lifestyle than I could do on my own, because I wasn't getting anywhere.

He agreed after more talking that DD is what I needed, and deep down, even though he wouldn't have chosen this lifestyle, he did see it was what I needed, and that it had been working for both of us.  We had both been better for it when he was being more stern.  It was too late to do a maintenance at this point, we were both exhausted.  We went to bed, and then he drove me to work the next morning.  But a blizzard came, and we couldn't get home Sunday night nor Monday, so stayed with friends.  We've talked as we could behind closed doors and have worked out more things together, but I can't wait to finally be alone with him tonight.

It's maintenance tonight, we were doing it twice a week, and I know he'll hold nothing back now, or at least I pray so.  I also showed him last night the charts that Silence put in his post yesterday.  He said it made sense, and I could see the light bulb go off in his head. :)

So hopefully now we won't just be playing at DD, even if I am sick, and I think that's part of why I was so snarky after my last maintenance too, I was already unravelling.  The maintenance we need, yes, but if that's all we do, and I know I'm slipping in areas, then I need those addressed, even when I'm sick and need more help.  Otherwise the maintenance is just a spanking session, and not real role affirmation.  Yes, I'll have to do shorter work outs because I'm running out of breath with my lungs restricted, but I can still do some.  Yes, the house will have some chores not get done, but I can still keep up with others.  I need to be held accountable to that.

Let's hope tonight goes well.  I can already see his confidence returning.  I'm so glad.  After tonight, we'll see if I can sit down, and how confident he is after that!  Let's just pray I can stay in position!

18 comments:

  1. I hope you feel better soon Es May and I hope things go well tonight! (((hugs)))

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    1. Thank you! :) And they did, I'll write about it soon. :)

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  2. Good luck :) Hope you feel better soon!!

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    1. Thank you. :) I hope I will too. :)

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  3. I wish you all the best. It's hard when sickness break the pattern and we fall out of 'practice' and sync with each other.

    Hugs

    Callie

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    1. Thank you, Callie. Yes, it is hard. Hopefully we can get back soon. :)

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  4. Hey Hun, I'm so sorry you're going through a rough patch. I definitely think there is something in the air :(

    I don't mind you showing my posts to your husband, if it makes sense then go for it, I'm glad my jumbled up thoughts help some one :)

    It's hard when we get to a cross road and don't know which way to go, I'm learning that its not the road you take, but who you take it with.

    I got some great advise from a super lady on one of my posts, this life is a roller coaster, it has it's ups and downs, but the best part is the person who is holding your hand whilst you ride it out.

    Try ang get some rest Hun, you sound tired and exhausted, give yourself some time to get better.

    Lots of love and virtual hugs x x x

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    1. Missy, I think you're right, now to find what can go through the air between several states and provinces! ;) That is a great analogy. It is true, I'd rather a bad day with him, than without him, I want him there while I ride the ride out. :)

      I promise to rest today and tomorrow. I am very tired. Was going to sleep in today, but D decided to wake me up with all his meowing at 7am! :( I see a night in the bathroom tonight. We rarely do it, but I need to sleep in tomorrow! :)

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  5. (((Hugs))) Es May. I hope you feel better soon. It sounds as though you two communicated well, it really is so important. I'm glad you have worked out a way forward.

    I can understand your reaction to you husband saying he wouldn't choose this life style left to his own devices, but it does sound as though he realises the benefits and is on board with it.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thank you, Roz. It does feel a lot better now that we've talked it out. He is DEFINITELY on board now! When I have the energy to later, I'll write all about it. :)

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  6. I do hope things went well last night. I know that for most couples where the wife brings this to the husband there is a period of time when he is doing it "for" her. He knows that it is helping her. In time though, most of those men will realize what it is doing for them as well and they start using the word "we" instead of "you." It's something I think you have to look forward to.

    Hang in there Es May and rest. Nothing is easy when your head is fuzzy and you are under the weather. Not easy for either of you. His protective instincts are to do whatever it takes to make you better. Discipline falls into the background.

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    1. Oh, Susie, it went great. Thank you. :) I'll write about it later when I'm more alert. :) You just gave me so much hope, I really do hope he'll find it's for both of us in the end. You know, you're probably right. His lack of follow through is probably more to do with protection... I guess it just made it hard to get sick about a month after we started, and to be sick more than twice as long as we really practiced, creates quite the learning drawback. LOL

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  7. Es May,
    I read this with tears in my eyes, my heart was breaking for you. Being sick is no picnic at all, and I never thought that it would have such an impact on ttwd/dd. But it does.
    I am so glad though that you were able to talk things through, and who knows, maybe oneday he will see it as a lifestyle he would choose to do..for himself.
    I am also glad that The Silences' diagram helped too. I am not sure what I would do without most of the blogs I read.
    I do hope and pray that you get better now that you are on more antibots and that all will sort itself out.
    Many many many hugs

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    1. Oh Hez, you made me feel so loved. Thank you. :) I honestly think after our talk last night, that he's going to soon choose it for himself as well. He had so many good things to say about the changes he has seen that I think he'll get addicted to the good. :) Oh, his diagram helped so much that we copied it and put our names in to remind us. I'm about to start a book with DD info in it, and that'll literally be on the first page. No lie. Thank you, I hope to feel better soon. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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    2. I do hope he does decide Es May, especially if he can see the good it does..why would he not want too?
      I am going to show your reply to The Silence, as this will be a huge confidence boost for him. He does not think he writes well, when in actual fact he does.
      Hoping that today you are feeling better...er and better...er :)

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    3. His chart may have saved our DD lifestyle, NO LIE! :) I think after talking tonight, Hubby does see more and more of the good it does. :) Whew. :)

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  8. I'm happy that things went well for you. We are in a very similar predicament- without illness. :)

    Thanks for the hope

    Willie

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    1. I feel so inexperienced to offer hope, but I'm glad you found some. :) I hope for you guys that things will improve. {{{HUGS}}}

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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