We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Quick Question

Just a question for tonight....

My husband thought that maybe during our last maintenance that he spanked too hard.

Tonight's though I feel may not have been enough.

How do you know if a spanking is too hard?  And is there a general rule of thumb for how many spanks there should at least be?  We usually only go to about 60, if that, but in reading some posts, it seems like it could be a couple hundred???

I guess we just really don't know what is typical, and how to know how hard is safe?  Or effective?

I know most of these are trial and error, and we will learn ourselves as we go, but if anyone has been through this wondering themselves or has any advice to pass on, I'd love it. :)

Will tell you about maintenance from tonight in the morning.  For now, I'm just too tired.

I hope you all have a wonderful night! :)


  1. Hi EsMay, as you said, I think it really is trial and error. There is no rule of thumb, we each have different tolerances to pain etc and each couple really does have to work out what works best for them. Also, that can change over time as well. What once worked suddenly doesn't work so well anymore or conversely, what once worked is now too much.

    I think the real key is how you both feel afterwards. Do you feel connected? Do you feel strong in your roles? Remembering that the aim with maintenance is to make you both feel connected. it is not punishment or correction.

    We all go through this learning curve and you will find what works for you.


    1. Thank you so much! I think the question "Do you feel strong in your roles?" is just what I needed to understand the balance. The other day I did feel strong in my role, and last night... not so much. I think you gave me the words to finally be able to describe it to my husband. THANK YOU! :)

  2. Here it is very much dependent on how I am responding. If maintenance is to help me get to a calm, surrendered place it may take a couple minutes or 10. Here the angst is left to my husband. I'm to simply feel whatever I'm feeling and it is up to him to read my body language and know when enough is enough. It's not easy but if he keeps at it and also talks with you after each time to see where your head is at, he'll figure it out.

    I know some couples think in #'s of spanks...I don't think we have ever counted.

    1. Yeah, we actually don't count, I just guess. lol Well, I really shouldn't say that, sometimes he will say, just 20 more, or just five more, but honestly, other than that, I'm just guessing. I think the talking after is a great idea. We have done some, but I really see where we can improve. I like how you put it, that somtimes it's to help you get to a calm and surrendered place, and with all that is going on in my life right now, that is just what I need. Thank you so much for responding. :)

  3. I have no idea, but I agree with both Roz and Susie. It's not really about a number, but where you are in your head and your heart afterward. Communication is key and trial and error is certainly involved. It's tempting to want a formula to follow and then everything just kind of falls into place, but it doesn't really work like that. We're all different and we need different things at different times too. The two of you will figure it out. Remember, baby steps are a good thing...even if frustrating at times. ;)

    1. Yeah, I think a formula would be bad. The other it was a harder punishment, but it wasn't actually that long before I was bawling. Other times I can take a longer spanking, and still not feel any change in me. Too bad everything didn't just fall into place. ;) But I think the learning together is going to be special to us. :)

  4. We've never counted strokes...and I think everyone else has said it really well. It's more about how you are left feeling and that can be communicated through both words and body language. It takes time to figure it out so don't get discouraged if a spanking doesn't leave you feeling the way you think it should. Just keeping talking and experimenting:)

    1. Thank you, Tess. I think my husband will be able to learn body language, but it's harder for him, so it will take time. In the mean time, I promise to keep talking and experimenting. :) Thank you for visiting my blog.


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