Today was so hard. We have a small church. Only about 40 people on a regular week, and almost half of them are children. Since we had a baby in 2011 that only lived two hours, I've had a hard time hearing news about babies. I am happy for them, but I need time to go home and process first. This week two people in our church had babies, so I braved myself to face them, hoping and praying that I would honestly be happy for them. I knew I'd have to see both families up close because I was one of the volunteers to bring them both food for meals, so there was no getting out of it. But what I didn't expect was for a family that usually hurts me anyways to pull me aside right before I had to speak in church this morning, and tell me they too were pregnant. They just found out. This will be child number three. It was so hard to speak in church today. I was already overwhelmed preparing to see the two new babies, about starting work tomorrow, not being able to sleep because my husband can't sleep on his stomach this week which means he's snoring, being sick with a sinus cold and flu, and a few other things...
Not only have I had a miscarriage and had a baby die as well, but it's also been very hard for us to get pregnant. Five years in, and we still have no living children. I want it to hurt less when I hear someone is pregnant, but it never seems to get easier. We are now the only couple in our church, besides ones that just got married, that has no children. I feel so out of place. I will be 35 soon... and I feel like my dream is slipping away. I want it to hurt less. I want to stop missing my son so much. I can't believe I had him for only two hours, yet almost two years later I can still feel him in my arms, I still remember him holding so tightly to my hand. I sometimes wonder if I'm jealous... and maybe I am to some degree, but it's more of being reminded all the time of my dream, and how I'm not getting it. I said to myself this morning, I really thought I'd be pregnant by now. And for the first time, realized how many times in the past four years I've said that. It might be time for me to give up this dream. I have already been trying. I'm not succeeding, but I have to at some point, or the want and the hurt will kill me.
But there is good news, what made it easier this time hearing the news of yet another pregnancy (we currently have 6 babies and three on the way in our church, not to mention friends and family) was that my husband stepped up to the plate to be there for me. I even found the drive home easier. Since I'm no longer allowed to speed, it means I have to be more in control over all, I've always been a really safe driver, sometimes even to the annoyance of those with me, but not being able to speed means I have to exercise more control, so needing to keep good control of the car meant I had to keep good control over my emotions. I thought it would annoy me not being able to speed, but I actually felt so peaceful about it.
My husband was very pleased with me. Also, this morning, he asked me a question. I wasn't thinking, and just answered with "maybe". He deepened his voice and said "That doesn't answer my question." It so shocked me. I loved it. He's never called me on it if I do it in the past. Never. I feel I don't do it often, but since I don't pay attention, maybe I do dodge his questions more than I think. I asked him how it felt to call me on it, and he said it was good. I asked him how my dodging the questions, even without thinking, made him feel. He said it annoyed him, and he admitted at my further questionning that it always bothered him when I did that. So I'm glad now that he'll call me on it. This way, even if I don't know I'm doing it, he can still get answers from me. This really helps because my husband is always so fearful of saying anything to hurt my feelings, especially since we lost our son, and I want him to see that I'm not going to fall apart at everything. Yes, there will be times like today, but that is that, I'm not a time bomb waiting to go off. Thank goodness he's seeing that. :)
Back to work tomorrow for the first time in 9 1/2 months. I'm nervous, but also feel good about being able to contribute to our finances again. When the center I worked for last spring closed, I really did not think it would take so long to find work. But God has been faithful, where all the money came from, I can't even say, but thank goodness He provided.