I am so tired. But it is a good tired.
It's a tired made up of many things, and I was actually so tired last night, that I couldn't even write about what happened last night. I was in bed by 9:30! Now, this may not seem too early for most people, but it is not uncommon for me to be up until 11:30 or midnight.
Last night was my spanking for the speeding. I got a 20 spank warm up with my husband's hand, and then 20 with the new spoon. I really expected it to hurt more. I do have to admit that to my husband, but I feel we need to talk talk, and I'm so exhausted. Tomorrow I get to sleep in a little bit, so hopefully tomorrow night I'll be able to be coherent enough for conversation! :)
But today was bad, twice I caught myself speeding without meaning to. So I sat myself down to try to figure this out. I never sped before, and now that I have the rule, I find I'm doing it all the time, and not even meaning to. It took a bit of time, but I finally realized why... I think.
For the first time in my life, I feel FREE!!! I have rules now, I have punishments, but I also don't have instability around me, I don't have the weight of the world on my shoulders, I don't have guilt or the frustration from no limits. The times I've been speeding are because I've felt so free I haven't kept a close eye on the speedometer. That is going to change, I hope I can change it quick... but the reason I feel it's happening? I LOVE!!! Today, I had the windows down just a crack, even though it was cold, and the wind was blowing over my skin and through my hair, and the cool air eased the feeling of pain and stuffiness from the head cold. I just loved it, and was following the car in front of me at his pace, not realizing he was gaining speed. It actually is worth the punishment this time. I feel freest in my car, and now adding that with the freedom I feel from DD, I need to just calm down the free-ness! ;)
I admitted my mistake to my husband, and apologized, but also admitted I hadn't meant to speed. He asked if I was trying to get out of a punishment. I admitted I was not, and fully expected that he would feel I should have one, but also wanted him to realize the difference between my openly disobeying him, and accidentally. I told him I am totally okay if that does not change the severity of the punishment, but that I need him to know I wasn't looking for a punishment, I wasn't trying to push his limits. Now to work on getting over this mistake once and for all! :) I can do this! For me, FOR HIM. :)