UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Tuesday, October 01, 2013

Uncharted Territory

I am a week behind in blogs... and there hasn't been anything I could do about that.  I do hope to get to some today and work at catching up this week.  This week has been so exhausting, and I have not had time to do things.  Last weekend the Duke was at a men's retreat all weekend, and then this one I was away at a ladies retreat all weekend.  There was so much to do to prepare for them, and I got sick.

First of all, before I name the reason for this post, let me tell you, ladies, when an HOH tells you to do something for your own health... they'll probably know what they are talking about!  {Duke, you did NOT hear me admit this! ;)}

Last weekend because I was alone, I forgot to eat until at least three in the afternoon both Saturday and Sunday.  The Duke found out and I was surprised at how upset her was.  I now have a rule that I have to eat breakfast every single day.  Augh.  And, because I had so much stuff to do this week, I didn't get to bed by eleven one single night.  Most nights was midnight or later.  So, as you can guess, it was no surprise that I had a cold that started on Wednesday night.  A cold I had managed to fight off several times before that, I'd get a sore throat for a few hours, and then have nothing for a couple of weeks until I was around the next sick person.  If I'd been rested and eating well... I probably would have avoided it this time as well. So... the Duke knows what he's doing when he gives me these rules I guess... {Again, Duke, I am not admitting to ANYTHING.} lol

This week has also been an emotional roller coaster.  As we grow into this relationship... all the sudden I'm having behaviours I have never had.  I'm acting out like never before, being insecure in things I'd always tried to ignore, and just, it's weird.  The Duke and I have come head to head over things four times in a week!  That never, and I mean NEVER happens.  If we come head to head over something, it's usually months and months before it happens again.  So imagine our surprise when starting Monday last week, we had an altercation, Tuesday, Friday just before I left for the weekend and Sunday night not long after I got back, and who knows what would have happened if I'd been home all weekend. 

And the things we butted heads on were small, things that usually would never phase me.  All the sudden I felt attacked and unwanted.  The Duke realized part of it first, I realized the other part of it first.  I realized I was finally addressing the insecurities I'd carried around since I was a child of everything I did never being good enough.  Like literally, the other night, it was over the Duke saying the new meal I tried tasted different, and I felt attacked and tried to take his food from him to make a different meal and broke down crying when he wouldn't let me take the plate, and grabbed hold of me until I bawled my eyes out, refusing to let me flee to our room like I wanted.  The Duke realized I was finally allowing myself to act out because I'd never been allowed to at any point in my life with some of the other things that happened over the week.  Like on Friday an hour before I left, I broke an easily replaceable part on his cell phone, something we ordered last night.  But on Friday, I was panicked, and couldn't calm down, I started swearing, yelling, crying, all over a little cell phone and ruined our last hour together.  He realized he should have calmed me down, and now is making up for that.  lol

Last night when I tried to get him to relax and told him I'd hold my crap together... I was told that I needed the room to act out right now, and he was going to give it to me, and he didn't want me trying to hold it together if I couldn't.  I also have a new rule... partly at my urging.  He hates, and I mean, hates hearing me swear.  He likes me being the sweet wife he knows, and that puts us both on edge when I swear.  So on Sunday I suggested we try soaping if I did it again, and last night tried to talk him out of it!  What was I thinking?  But I really don't know what else will help when I'm that upset.

We both feel this time of letting me feel what I feel, and act out at times is needed, and will result in a good change for me, a freeing of myself to let go of my past, but I am worried about the process needed to get there.  The Duke seems okay, and we both hope it'll only last a month or two, or even less would be better!  But even if it takes longer, the Duke is behind me, and stepping up in ways I never thought possible, and is catching me also from having more break downs than necessary.  When I started to panic last night about house work because I got behind last week, the Duke strongly told me I was to calm down and stop getting worked up.  I was put to bed way early because I was so exhausted.  I was spanked a few times on Sunday just to help me calm down and keep me in line, among other things.

So... this is all uncharted territory for us, and I pray we get out alive. :)  I still have processing to do on this... so there may be more posts as I do so...

22 comments:

  1. Unchartered territory can be scary. But it really pushes you to grow more...to trust him, to learn self control you never thought possible, and to grow closer together. I can really relate to this post. I find it both exciting and terrifying when I've been in a similar position. Good luck!

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    1. Oh Jason Girl, you are so right, it really does push. I am glad, because we need the growing, and I hope that in our marriage, we continue to grow.

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  2. This all sounds so familiar. Like you've caught your dress in the car door and someone drove away with it. You are bare and vulnerable and no where to hide any longer. I know the feeling, and it is unsettling. I 'hear' the other side is wonderful. Hold tight.

    hugs
    willie

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    1. Willie, I do hope that the other side is wonderful. :) I'm okay with the dress being ripped away... as long as the Duke is the only one there to see it, LOL. But even then, it's still a lot to process at times, just to see how I actually am taking it all.

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  3. oh dear! i hope everything works out okay and you're back to your regular, sweet self. i swore this morning at my daughters because their room is atrocious and i do NOT have the time to clean it AGAIN. i'm glad the professor wasn't here because he hates hearing me swear, too. and soaping? god help me. i don't think i could handle it. good luck esmay! :)
    hugs,
    m.

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    1. Hehehe, sweet eh? You know, Maryanne, that is partly why we do this, so the Duke can keep me sweet... but I don't see it. lol I am sorry that you had such a hard morning with your girls, but I totally understand by having the moment overwhelm you and acting in a way that you normally wouldn't. {{{HUGS}}} And the soaping... well I really want to stop swearing... and I could think of no other way to motivate me enough when I'm ripping mad... we'll see how this goes... I may be begging and PLEADING here soon. lol {{{HUGS}}}

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  4. Isn't it interesting how our childhoods affect us later in life? I'm really glad for you that both you and the Duke recognized this and are allowing it to happen - and even have boundaries put in place to try to keep it from spiraling out of control. It seems like such a healthy purging or cleansing for you. And I can't help but smile at how far your hubby has come - look how he's able to see and attend to your needs, instead of feeling attacked or rejected. I'm so happy for you both. And I hope that your time in uncharted territory is over as soon as possible. But I know that you will come out the other side all the better for it. ♥

    hugs,
    Cali

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    1. Oh Cali, I know... I keep thinking, my past is done, nothing else to deal with, and then BAM, another thing to get over. Thankfully the Duke is so amazingly patient with me, I am so blessed to have him. And you are right, he has come a long way, and it surprises me what a great man he was, and is even greater now. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  5. LOL Bobbie is the same way when there is a change and like your Duke I to tell her to calm down and relax. This is the exciting time of you relationship doing things you never thought possible and then finding out it was a fun ride. Think of it as going through a fun house ride scary at times but in the end of the ride you find out you did alright and maybe even want to do it again

    Bob

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    1. LOL Bob, you had me until scary ride, lol. I hate anything scary. LOL But I get what you mean. And I'm with Bobbie here, sometimes it's just a bit overwhelming, and we don't mean to be, but it helps that you guys remind us to talk down and trust you. :) So glad she has you to do that for her.

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  6. I've been roaming some uncharted territory myself lately. I keep finding myself looking back and saying "Did I really do that?" "Did I really say that?" "Where the heck did that come from?" It's definitely stressful, but I keep reminding myself that the rockiest patches are the ones where we end up growing the most.

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    1. Dana, I do believe that. I read once that ever single challenge a marriage goes through can be used to make it grow stronger, or help tear it apart, depending on how you deal with it, and your goals. I know the Duke and I will gro stronger because of this... I just have to figure out how to get through, lol.

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  7. You will get out alive!! I'm sorry you're having such an emotional week, just hang tight and keep processing everything. Sometimes it's nice to have your H step in and stop the anxiety spiral. :)

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    1. Hehe, thanks Jennelle. :) Oh, and I cannot believe how nice it is to have him stop the spiral. If you'd told me a few years ago, even though I wanted to be submissive back then, that I'd like him stepping in that much, I would have flat out told you that you were crazy. lol

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  8. Oh Es May, this is such a hard place to be, but it can also end up being so freeing. Hang in there! (((hugs)))

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    1. Thank you, Grace, that is actually what I'm hoping for, that it will be freeing. I really do believe that is what will happen... but I just have to remind myself to let go and just let it happen. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  9. Hi Es May,

    Well, you already know my thoughts :) I think the Duke is right. Once we gain a level of trust and feel 'safe' it allows us to be much freer with our emotions. I know Rick also wants me to act how I feel and not hide my feelings.

    I'm sorry this has been a difficult time. Being in unchartered territory is unsettling, but I know you two will work through it and come out stronger.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thank you, Roz, and for your unending patience. :) It is weird starting to act how I feel, and not hiding how I feel... makes me feel more real than ever before. I've mostly felt fake most of my life, even when I'm alone, like I'm acting out my life... but this will hopefully help me get over that. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  10. I know going through uncharted territory can be very scary sometimes. Just remember, you are lucky and will not be going through it alone, you have the Duke right there beside you, holding your hand. You will make it out alive, you probably will come out stronger and wiser.
    Hugs,
    Kim

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    1. Kim, thank you. :) Yes, I have the Duke, and I have to remember that I can trust him to lead me. I just am shocked that he is leading me through emotions as well... and this is probably very good for me. I do hope we make it out stronger. :)

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  11. Even though uncharted territory is scary, as long as you have the Duke with you it can also be exciting and ultimately a lot of fun! Change can be hard, but it sounds like you are moving in a positive direction. I don't know why, but I want to say that at this moment you are simultaneously as old as you have ever been and also as young as you will ever be. Embrace the future with the Duke and celebrate who you are with gusto, because like I have said before you are special!

    Blessings,
    George

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    1. George, you are always so nice, thank you. :) You know... I never thought of calling it exciting, but I guess, part of it is, and if I just let go more and let him lead, then it'll be even better. Not sure if the quote about age is comforting or scary. LOL But I like it, have never heard it before. And George... thank you again for thinking me special... working still on believing I am... but I am getting closer every day. :)

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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