UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Monday, October 28, 2013

Yikes! What Came Over Me?

Well, the few of you that I wrote yesterday and admitted where I was with the Duke, he was becoming very inconsistent, will wonder at this complete turn around, don't worry, I'm wondering at it too.

I am a maid of honour in a wedding in December.  I have never been in a wedding before... so I don't know what to think.  I ordered my dress, and added the $20 to have it customized to my figure... and now they are saying that I can't make it to my size because my breasts and hips are not drastic enough in size difference from my waist.  They then proceeded to ask if I was pregnant, or offered to sell me a corset as well.

I was devastated.  I know I am larger than I should be, but not that much, and they do have dresses to fit every single measurement I have, just not all in the same size, so that is why I paid extra to have it custom fitted.  I also have lost 30lbs this year, with the disease I struggle with, it makes it a lot harder to lose weight, and even getting this 30lbs off has been hard.  Even being bigger than I should be, I don't have hips, my hip bone is literally only a half inch wider on either side than the bone at my waist.  And up top, I literally used to be called "pimple boobs" for a reason.  I didn't pick the dress out, all the bridesmaids are wearing the same thing.  So I felt attacked by this company, and angry that they said the dress could be customized, and apparently can't be.

I started crying.  It has taken a long time for me to not hate my body, and this horrible disease.  Even writing about it now, I feel the tears coming back.  I work out, I avoid so many foods, and still, I'm big, and their email today made me feel horrible.  I am not pregnant... and not being so when I so want to be made that question even harder.  And wearing a corset so that I fit their mould when the dress was supposed to be made to fit me... well I got angry and started belittling myself.  I was angry that I can't beat this disease.  I got angry because if I can lose more weight, the chances of ever being skinny are still really far fetched.  I got sad and called myself fat and stupid.  I was just a bawling mess.

Imagine my surprise when the Duke comes up behind me and starts to pull my pants down.  I whipped around, and begged him to stop.  I threw myself into his arms and just bawled.  I begged him to please still spank me if he felt I needed it, but later.  I told him, right then, I just needed him to hold me.  He said okay, but that I was to stop calling myself fat and stupid that very moment.

Fifteen minutes later we were in the car on our way to work, and I was still worked up.  A car passed me in a no passing zone.  I want to tell you I acted my normal self and just thought the person was being irresponsible and left them alone.  But that would be a huge lie.  I blarred my horn, and as soon as they passed, gassed it to tailgate them.  The second the Duke heard the car accelerate, I heard "Stop it, NOW!"

Me: "But they were..."

The Duke: "I don't care, I want you to calm down right now."

Me: "This is getting added to my spanking tonight... isn't it?"

The Duke: "Yes, it is."

Augh, two offenses in one day?  What came over me???

Would it help to say I think I'm ovulating finally, after a couple years of not, and that I don't know what to do with the onslaught of emotions?  This being frazzled happened last month as well, it was the very first time we had signs my hormones were getting back in line... I think I'll have to start tracking this, and finding ways to remind myself to stay calm.

So... the Duke was backing off of DD it seemed... now... woah, someone lit a fire under his bottom!  lol

Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.  *Gulp*

31 comments:

  1. I was just the maid of honor in a wedding myself. Funny how these types of events tend to bring up all the negative stuff we feel about ourselves instead of how beautiful we are. I had some of that going on as well. Glad to hear he is not letting you beat yourself up! Sometimes we could all use that. If you are not cycling, a good way to track your possible cycle is by the moon. Here is a downloadable chart that might help. Good luck.

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    1. It helps to include the link! http://www.moonmysteries.com/moon-cycle-chart

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    2. Thank you, Surrendered Wife, for the link. :) And I am glad too that he is stopping my me bashing... I think it will greatly help my self esteem, or I hope so anyway. ;)

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  2. ((HUGS))

    I can't believe they were so insensitive in their email. I can totally understand how you would be upset over that. I would be mad and hurt myself. You should write a letter of complaint.

    I know exactly where you're coming from with the PCOS roller coaster. Half of the time I get in trouble for letting my crankiness get out of hand, it's a direct result of my hormones going crazy. Thankfully Steve is aware of that and takes it into consideration.

    The weight loss is definitely hard. I have to work out an hour a day six days a week and pretty much eliminate carbs before the scale will budge. Even then, the weight comes over very slow. The only thing that helped was when the doctor put me on Metformin.

    I use FertilityFriend for tracking. The basic version is free, although you can pay to upgrade for more features.

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    1. Hey Dana, I actually did write a note of complaint, and all they did was write back to say they would be sending my dress soon. :( I did not know that you struggle with PCOS as well. The Duke is like Steve, very considerate of the fact that I am TRYING to behave. ;)

      And I am so with you on the weightloss, I was avoiding grains for about 6 weeks and lost a lot of weight... but then been eating them for two weeks because of being rushed every day, and have to get back to giving up the grain again. Haven't had any today, and hope to get to the store so I can stalk up on non grain items to eat. I'll have to look at that site. :) Thank you for giving it to me.

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  3. Hey Es May...DO NOT let jerks and morons set you back! If I were you, I would contact the president of that company and complain. Also, post that company name and email everywhere!...hit them where it hurts!

    As far as "Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it." LOL...I have warned more than one lady of that here in blog land...no one seems to listen. ;)

    Sending lots of healing energy and positive thoughts your way.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Thank you for being in my corner, Cat. :) And now that I have heard you say it, I will DEFINITELY listen, it can really bite you in the ear to start wishing for things. lol

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  4. "That's what they say". It appears he not only has your back but plans on having your "bum" too. Hang in there, you'll find your way.

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    1. LOL Sunny Girl, that really made me laugh. ;) Thank you. :)

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  5. Hi, I just wanted to say that I love your blog and have been a lurker for a while now. I just had to comment on this post. I am sorry to say know just how you feel. I have had PCOS for years (I suspect) but was diagnosed with it a month ago. My doctor put me on Metformin and all my symptoms just disappeared. I even ovulated and that hasn't happened in forever. I have even lost weight. Before I was diagnosed and started the Metformin it was just impossible to lose and ounce! I would work out and diet (I was a triathlete) and nothing. It was so frustrating and no one believed that I wasn't cheating. I hate the disease! Hang in there. :-) Hugs and smiles

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    1. OH Taunnie, I am very honoured that you introduced yourself. {{{HUGS}}} Thank you. I too am a struggler with PCOS, but sadly, I am one of the few who metformin did not work for. :( But I am so glad that it is helping you out, you seem to be doing really well! :) And I so understand about people not believing you. My family especially thought I was always eating nothing but junk food, and would not believe I worked out for 2 hours a day and ate as healthy as I could, I mean, I did have snacks, but not by far as many as they supposed. Thank you again for writing here, I am SO EXCITED to meet you. :)

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  6. Es May, don't listen to a word that that dress company says! It's not your fault that they don't know how to alter a dress!!

    Don't let their negativity bring you down, their words are worthless and you should not let it bother you. I know...easier said than done...but they are not worth one tear.

    Focus on the positive instead :) You lost 30 lbs, yay you!! That is such a hard thing for someone to do in a year! That is really awesome. I'm sure your husband is so proud, that takes a lot of hard work and dedication :)

    Everyone deals with issues like this is one way or another. I don't have a perfect body either, nobody does and I'm sure everyone has things that they would like to change about themselves but don't let it make you cry or be sad and never let anyone bring you down with what they say. Judging from your blog and all of your comments, you have a beautiful personality and that is what really matters :) Keep your head up and smile!! (((((((hugs!!)))))))

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    1. Thank you, Stubborn, you are right, they are not worth one tear. It was hard to lose the 30 lbs, and hoping to lose a bit more before the year is out. :) Going to keep plugging at it anyway. And you know what, I am shocked, but the Duke really is proud of me, more so than I ever dreamed he would be. And you almost made me cry with your compliments, thank you so much. I really love your personality too, and how supportive you are of people. {{{HUGS}}}

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  7. Hey Es May,

    I too can't believe how insensitive the dress company was! Don't let them bring you down and focus on the positives. Losing 30lbs is amazing. I don't think there is one of us who is entirely happy with their body one way or another.

    I'm glad the Duke stepped in and stopped you berating yourself. You know, from your posts and emails, it doesn't seem to me as though the Duke has been backing off. He is continuing to lead ... his way. Trust that and trust him :)

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. You know, Roz, I wonder why it is that we women can't be happy with our bodies? It really makes you wonder why the world is so focused on us being critical of ourselves, and we bite right into it. :(

      And I am doing my best to trust him, and realizing he has me, and sometimes just gives me a little lead so that I don't feel like he's not letting me live my life. I have to give the poor guy more credit. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  8. Scales measure weight, not worth. Congrats on losing 30 lbs! That's fantastic, try to focus on that. I'm so glad Duke is supporting you, and not letting you dive down the rabbit hole! and yay for ovulating, even if it brings out some crazy emotions :)

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    1. Jennelle, I really like that, measures weight, not worth. I'll have to remember that one. :) And crazy emotions may be putting it a bit midly, lol. But I'll have to check with the Duke on his toughts about it. lol

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  9. Hugs Es May! I'm sorry you're struggling with this. They don't know what they're doing. Of course they can alter it to fit you. I cant believe they were so insensitive...

    I am also a difficult fit and went so far as to back out of a wedding. I'm short and they were long dresses. I don't have gigantic boobs to fill out the top and hold the dress on. They would have been able to alter the dress for my height but told me I had to wear plastic boob thingies to fill out the top. At least they were really nice to me about it. Not my fault my friends are tall and have big boobies!

    The Duke loves you so much. It literally brings tears to my eyes how much he cares.

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    1. Oh Chickadee, you so make me want to step out of the wedding, lol, ok, but in many ways, I'm already wanting out. I've never been in a wedding, and I'm really nervous.

      And he does love me, I'm so often not paying attention to how much, and when I notice it, it floors me. Even with all that we've been through, things that should have torn us apart, he helped me get through. Yeah, he can hurt me more than anyone else, but he also loves me more than anyone else.

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  10. Es May, shame on that dress maker! We just finished my daughter's wedding and I know how big of a deal a dress is to all the ladies. If I were the bride and found out they treated my maid of honor that way, I would find a different establishment to do business with!

    What makes anyone special, man or woman, is who they are not what society thinks they should look like. You are very special and deserved to be treated that way! Good for Duke, you listen to him!

    Now get mad and give that outfit an ultimatum to get with the program and do what you asked in the first place!

    Blessings,
    George

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    1. You know, George, on here, I am open and honest, but in real life, I am very unsure about causing waves, especiallywhen it's about her wedding. So I won't let her know what's going on, because I just... hate stirring up problems, but you're right, if it was my wedding, I'd want to know if a maid of honour was treated badly... I'll have to think on it.

      Thank you again for calling me special... I once again really needed it. I promise, I'm working on my self esteem, but you always seem to know the days I particularily need the boost, thank you. :)

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  11. It's amazing how one careless word can undo so much hard work, isn't it? But you are such a beautiful person EsMay - and you've accomplished so much! 30 lbs is nothing to sneeze at - so listen to your dear husband and see the positives there.
    And even though those hormones can make us a crazy mess, I'm so glad to hear that they are functioning again for you - that's wonderful!

    And however you decide to handle the dress makers, I hope that when you wear that dress, you will see yourself as truly beautiful and will have an absolutely amazing time being the maid of honor at your friend's wedding. ♥
    hugs,
    Cali

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    1. Cali , you make me blush, thank you for the compliment. LOL I am glad they are functioning too, but I'll have to ask the Duke if it's worth all the crazy. lol I hope the same for the dress, my worry is that I'll have such a stigma about it, that even though it's a beautiful dress that could actually be worn every day, I won't want to ever touch it again after the wedding. Here's hoping that changes. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  12. Hey honey, sorry I'm so late to this :(

    First off, that company and the people working for them are just idiots. Don't let them get you down. If they have any talent what so ever they can change any dress to fit anyone. And believe me when I say, getting dresses to fit right is a problem even skinny people have, as in I have no boobs and a flat ass and everything looks like a sack on me :( don't let idiots k ovk your confidence, you're doing so well with your weight loss. See if you can find a seemstres to fit it for you, they're so much better :)

    And as bad as you might feel, YAY for ovulating :) I k ow I get in trouble every month at the same time. I just lose all my commen sense and start arguments and get spanked. It's hormonal. Sometimes a little stress relief spanking helps, maybe you can talk to Duke about it :)

    Hugs to you honey, chin up and don't ever let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. You're a caring, loving and a beautiful woman, and I agree with the Duke for spanking you for putting yourself down lol

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    1. Missy, you're great, you know that? I love your spunk, and protectiveness of your friends. :) I did go the route of gettng the dress a bit too large and will get a seamstress here to take it in where it needs work.

      So glad I am not alone in losing my common sense. It literally does just fly out the window, and then I'm left around looking for it, making more annoyed in the process. And thank you for the compliments, I almost cried. Thank you. Though, not sure I agree with you guys about me deserving the spanking! LOL I felt it for days. lol {{{HUGS}}}

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  13. Have only been following you a short time. Sorry to hear of this incident that hurt so bad. Not sure what your condition is, but would encourage you to explore food plans outside of the standard norm. look into a whole food approach such as Paleo. Many people are finding it helps with their health and with weight loss. Check it out and don't be so hard on yourself, be strong, God bless

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    1. Hi Shirley Russ, it is so great to meet you! :) I actually have to follow a plan that is low in sugar and no grain. I was doing really well, but then after Thanksgiving {Canadian one in October} I got a bit slack, and so am getting back into the no grain again. But it is what has worked best for me, and why I was finally able to start shedding some pounds. :) And thank you for commenting, I love meeting my readers. :)

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  14. So sorry to hear about your struggles, I know what it's like to feel that way about yourself because of things beyond your control. I'm glad for you that The Duke cares enough to help stop those destructive thoughts :) Hopefully the spanking you got helped!

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    1. Hi, River Wild, it's nice to meet you. :) I am glad too, he really does want me to think good on myself. It's one thing that has come out since we started DD. And yes, the spanking did help... my poor bottom. lol

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  15. What a horrible HORRIBLE company!!! Many of us don't fit into a standard size, and they should be able to alter accordingly!! I too have a medical issue that has made me struggle with weight over the years and it is so frustrating. Congrats on 30 pounds! Be proud :) (and tell that company where they can go!!)

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    1. Sassy, it has been very frustrating, and I have let them know that I will not be buying from them ever again in the future. I am sorry that you too struggle with a disease that affects your weight, and I know how frustrating and heart breaking that can be at time. :( And thank you, I am proud of the 30lbs, I didn't think I could ever do it. I really didn't.

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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